Welcome To The Hellmouth

Welcome to the very first ever episode of Buffy. Let's get to it.

Sunnydale High School at night. From a first-person perspective we zoom around the corner towards the library, then down a corridor and into a darkened science classroom towards a window. Suddenly, a fist breaks through the glass and wrestles the lock open. A boy opens the window and starts to climb through, and his blonde companion questions if breaking and entering is a good idea. I could pretend that I don't know that the blonde girl's name is Darla and that she's a vampire, but since I'm sure that knowledge won't come as a surprise to anyone reading this, I won't. Anyway, Soon-To-Be-Dead Boy reassures Darla that it's a "great" idea and clambers over the windowsill. Out in the hallway, STBDB is taking Darla up to the top of the gym because they can see all of Sunnydale from that vantage point. First of all, I'm so sure he's really going up there for the view, and secondly, gyms aren't that tall. Sunnydale must be even more pathetic of a town than I thought. Darla declines to go up to the roof, and STBDB assumes that she just can't wait to get her mitts on his sexay high-school-dropout "assets." For that reason alone, I'm not feeling too choked up about his imminent demise. He leans in for a kiss, but Darla hears a noise and spins around. I must say she's doing a pretty convincing job of portraying a ditzy frightened blonde. The first time I saw this episode, I was fooled. STBDB gives her a hard time about being scared, but then reassures her that they are alone. She asks him if he's sure, and he reiterates it. "Okay," says Darla, who is facing away from him, looking for an intruder. Then she spins around with her game face on and settles down for a midnight snack.

Credits. Whatever happened to the "One Girl in All the World" voiceover? Wait, wasn't Xander's hair supposed to be "bad" in the first season? It certainly looks better than the monstrosity it's been this past season. I'd like to give him a magical mirror into the future so he can avert his bad hair and wardrobe decisions. Hell, even a regular mirror would do it.

In bed, Buffy rolls around dreaming of a large candlelit cavern, vampires, and other things of that ilk. She awakens sporting more makeup than I wear in a week. From downstairs, Joyce calls for Buffy to get up.

Exterior shot of Sunnydale High. Remember ska? It's blasting in the background as various students converge upon the school. Joyce's green SUV pulls up in front; inside, Joyce gives Buffy a mini pep-talk and asks her to please not get kicked out of her new school. Check Buffy out -- she was much cuter when she was a brunette and didn't have so many sharp corners. I also forgot that she used to wear skirts roughly the size of beer cozies.

Xander's zooming down the sidewalk on his skateboard, which we'll never see again. And it might be a good thing too, because when he catches sight of Buffy in her kinderwhore gear, he loses his concentration and runs into the metal railing on the stairs. Luckily Willow, dressed in full-on season-one nerd gear, is the only one to take note of his clumsiness. Remember Willow's hair before they started giving her those red fright-wig rinses? Xander says hello and then tells her that he's having problems with his math homework. She wants to know which part and he replies, "The math." He begs Willow to help him, and she agrees, but tells him to check out "Theories in Trig." Like Xander would even be IN a trig class as a sophomore. "Check it out?" repeats Xander quizzically. Willow explains that he needs to go to the library, "where the books live." Jesse approaches them with news of the new girl, and Xander asks what information he has about Buffy. "New girl," shrugs Jesse. Now that is the type of friend Xander would have. I always thought Willow was way too smart for him.

Inside the principal's office, Buffy is seated in front of Principal Flutie's desk. He's going over her transcripts and then ceremoniously rips them up, telling her that she's got a "new slate" at SHS. He starts when he notices that Buffy was responsible for burning down the gym of her old school. Buffy almost slips and tells him that the gym was full of vampires but quickly amends that to "asbestos." Thus endeth pretty much any similarity between the series and the original movie. Flutie goes on to spout some New Age touchy-feely crap about respecting each other's needs (that sort of thing leads to being eaten, you know) and Buffy just looks vaguely uncomfortable.

Buffy walks out into the hall looking through her bag, and just then a girl runs into Buffy and knocks the contents of her bag onto the floor. ["Revealing, no doubt, scads of Maybelline products." -- Sars] This is Xander's cue to work his sensitive-guy mojo, and he quickly starts gathering her things for her, asking, "Can I have you?" but then recovers with, "Uh can I help you?" in response to Buffy's look. Buffy thanks him and then introduces herself. Xander tells her that he'll "see [her] around maybe at school since [they] both go there." Buffy says it was nice to meet him and strides off, leaving Xander to comment, "Very suave. Very not pathetic." He notices that Buffy left something behind and calls out after her, "You forgot your -- stake," but Buffy is out of earshot. With Xander's hair looking so scruffy, I almost thought he was Parker for a second.

In a classroom, a teacher is lecturing about the Black Death. Buffy is sitting to Cordelia, who shares her book with her. The bell rings, and Cordelia introduces herself. She offers to show Buffy to the library so she can get her own textbook. Cordelia immediately takes Buffy under her wing and proceeds to give her the entrance exam for the "in" crowd. Buffy passes, and then they come upon Willow getting a drink from a water fountain. She's dressed in a baggy grey plaid jumper and good-girl blouse with white tights. "Willow," snarks Cordelia, "Nice dress. Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears." Like Cordelia is one to talk. Lime-green pants with a brown see-through shirt? Nice to see she's seen the tackier side of Newport News. Willow explains that her mom chose her dress, and Cordelia says, "No wonder you're such a guy magnet." Willow hops off like the scared little rabbit she is while Buffy looks troubled by Cordelia's mean streak. Cordelia invites Buffy to the Bronze, which is apparently in the bad part of town, located about half a block from the good part of town. They reach the library, and Cordelia takes off after promising to see Buffy in gym class later.

Buffy pushes open the swinging doors of the library and enters. She calls out, "Hello," as creepy music builds in the background. At the counter, a newspaper is open to an article about a missing boy. The camera focuses on the article as a hand taps Buffy on the back. She spins around to see Giles, who asks if he can help her. He introduces himself too, and MAN am I getting tired of all these introductions. I'll sure be glad when all the major players are acquainted with each other. Buffy says that she's the new student, and Giles correctly identifies her. Buffy starts to name off the books that she needs as Giles goes behind the counter and cuts her off because he knows what she's looking for. He takes a large book marked "Vampyr" out and drops it loudly on the counter. Buffy looks upset and tells him that "isn't what [she's] looking for." Giles apologizes, but Buffy is long gone.

Two bratty girls are walking through the girls' locker room and gossiping about Buffy. They're seriously annoying, so I'm glad I won't ever have to see them again. Although the one on the right looks suspiciously like Karen with a K from "Superstar." She opens up her locker, and a large dead boy falls out onto her. She screams.

Outside, Willow is sitting down to lunch. Buffy walks up to her and says hello. Willow wonders if she wants her to move. Buffy sits down to her and asks if Willow will help her get up to speed with her classes. Willow is very enthusiastic and suggests that they meet in the library. Buffy says that place gives her the "wiggens." Willow says that she understands Buffy's reaction, but she really likes it there because the "new librarian" brought all sorts of interesting books with him. Xander and Jesse arrive on the scene. They probably can't believe their good luck that Buffy is talking with Willow.

Willow introduces Jesse and Xander, but Xander says, "Oh, me and Buffy go way back. Old friends, very close. And then there's that period of estrangement where I think we were both growing as people but now here we are like old times. I'm quite moved." Buffy gives him a strange look, which was my first clue that I didn't like her. I would have totally fallen for a speech like that. Jesse asks if it's "just [him]," or if Xander is "turning into a bibbling idiot." I'll take "bibbling idiot" Xander any day over people who misuse the word "babbling." Anyway, Xander agrees that he is a "bibbling" idiot. He reaches into his backpack to get Buffy's stake and hands it to her, saying, "The only thing I can think is that you're building a really little fence." Buffy tells him that it's for self-defense, and all the people in LA have them because pepper spray is out. That sounds like a load of crap to me, which is to say that it's pretty believable behavior for Southern Californians. Cordelia barges up to talk to Buffy, causing Willow to immediately exclaim that Buffy is not actually hanging out with them. Cordelia doesn't "want to interrupt [Buffy's] downward mobility," but she wanted to tell her that gym class got cancelled because of the "extreme dead guy" found in a locker. Everyone looks upset. Jesse offers Cordelia his shoulder to cry or nibble on, and Cordelia asks him if he has an "elsewhere" to be. Buffy wants to know how the guy died and if he had any marks on him, and Cordelia haughtily sneers, "Morbid much? I didn't ask." Buffy excuses herself, and Cordelia gives her a look.

Buffy approaches a locked door and, in the very first ever display of her Slayer strength, forces it open, breaking the lock. She enters the locker room and sees the dead guy covered by a sheet. Wouldn't there be medical personnel there already? A coroner or something? Buffy peels back the sheet to reveal two very obvious fang holes on the guy's neck. "Oh great," she sighs in extreme irritation.

Buffy huffs into the library and demands that Giles tell her what's going on. "I'm sorry?" calls out Giles from among the stacks. Buffy goes up the stairs, saying, "You heard about the dead guy in the locker? He's got two little little holes in his neck and all his blood's been drained. Isn't that bizarre? Aren't you just going 'ooooh'?" Giles said that he expected it. Buffy says that she was more afraid of having "last month's hair" than of there being vampires on campus. "And I don't care," she finishes, which prompts Giles to ask why she's there. She gives some spurious excuse, that she came to tell him that she doesn't care, and she starts to take off, but Giles stops her by asking if the dead guy is going to be a vampire. Buffy says no and takes a moment to explain some of the vampire mythology of the Buffyverse. Namely, that you have to suck vampire blood to change. "It's a whole big sucking thing." She again tries to take off, but Giles tries to appeal to her sense of duty, reminding her that she is the "Chosen One," the "one born with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires." "To stop the spread of their evil blah blah blah," finishes Buffy flippantly. Giles doesn't understand her reluctance to accept her duty, which isn't surprising looking at him.

I'll bet Giles eats Duty Flakes every morning for breakfast. Giles asks her what she knows about Sunnydale, and Buffy cracks, "That it's two hours on the freeway from Neiman-Marcus?" Giles explains that he believes that Sunnydale is a convergence of all sorts of mystical occurrences that are drawn to the area. Hmm. I wish I had a simple word to explain all of that without having to type it out every time. I hope they come up with one. Giles loads Buffy up with a bunch of books and Buffy scoffs, "What, you sent away for the Time-Life series?" A chagrined Giles admits that he did and he got the calendar as a free gift. I gotta tell ya, as a child, I used to beg for those books every birthday and Christmas. Yeah, I was an odd little squirrel. ["I begged for them too. Never got them, either." -- Sars] Buffy hands them back to Giles, saying that she's taken an early retirement, and suggests that Giles slay the vampires instead. Giles protests that he's a Watcher and his duty is to . . . "Watch?" Buffy pipes up. "No," says Giles exasperatedly, and goes on to explain what a Watcher does. Guh. I'm getting a bit sick of all the exposition, which I realize was necessary when the series began but is a bit tiresome three seasons later. Buffy wants to know if a Watcher prepares her for "getting kicked out of school? For losing all of my friends? For having to spend all of my time fighting for my life and never getting to tell anyone because I might endanger them?" Thus neatly encapsulating Buffy's inner struggle for seasons one and two. Giles stares at her, dumbstruck; Buffy stalks out. "Damn," curses Giles softly to himself, running after her. After he leaves, a very confused Xander steps out from the stacks.

Buffy is walking down the hall, and Giles calls out behind her, "It's getting worse." He catches up to Buffy and steers her against a wall. He earnestly whispers, "There's a reason why [she's] here and a reason why it's now." Hey, remember when they used to try and be careful of preserving the secrecy of Buffy's identity? Buffy snots, "Because now is when my mom moved here," and tries to take a hike yet again. Giles blocks her path with his arm and says, "Something is going to happen here. Soon." Buffy: "Gee, can you vague that up for me? She dismisses him by saying, "This is Sunnydale. How bad an evil can there be?"

Outside SHS, the camera pans down to show the underground view of the ant farm that is Sunnydale. It's the cavern from Buffy's dream. There's a pit of red Jell-O stuff in the middle, and a whole bunch of candles and various vampires lounging. Luke is chanting, "The Sleeper will wake and the world will bleed. Amen!" Because vampires are such religious creatures. Don't you remember that one heartwarming episode they had when they showed them all going to church? Sure, they wanted to eat the rest of the congregation, but as long as they're worshipping in Glen Oak with the Camdens I really don't have a problem with that.

Buffy is in her room trying to decide on an outfit for the evening. She holds up a black PVC number and says, "Hi, I'm an enormous slut," and then a floral dress and says, "Would you like a copy of the Watchtower?" It's so obvious that SMG is just reciting her lines here instead of playing a character. I wonder if the cast ever watches the first season and laughs at how terrible they all were. Joyce comes in and asks if Buffy is going out. Buffy tells her that she's going to the Bronze, and Joyce asks if there are going to be boys. Buffy quips, "No, mom, it's a nun club." Joyce reminds her daughter to be careful and gives Buffy another pep-talk, trying to empathize with her. She tells Buffy that, in LA, she fell in with a bad crowd, but that's behind them now. Buffy tells her that she's "only going to hang out with the living. I mean lively! Uh, people." You know, she might as well wear a button that says, "Kiss me, I'm a Vampire Slayer," for all her verbal slipups. Joyce tells her to have a good evening and Buffy finishes getting ready.

As Buffy, who decided on unflattering high-water pants, tromps down a dark lonely street, a dark figure appears and begins to follow her. Buffy hears footsteps and pauses, but then resumes walking. The figure follows as Buffy enters a dark alley and then stops, looking around her. Buffy's stalker enters the alley, but Buffy is nowhere to be seen. The camera pans up, and we see that she is doing a handstand on a bar spanning the alleyway. As the man walks beneath her, Buffy swings down and kicks him squarely in the back, knocking him down. The man stands, straightening his black velvet smoking jacket, and he and Buffy exchange a little non-witty banter. Buffy keeps a defensive posture as the velvet-clad man sneers he thought she'd be "taller," and then goes on to explain that what he wants, like Buffy, is to "kill 'em all." Buffy snipes that he's incorrect and flounces away, but the man stops her by saying, "You're standing at the mouth of Hell and it's about to open." His white shirt with huge collar points almost distracts me from his amateurish acting, the worst I've seen this side of MTV's Undressed. The mysterious man -- oh, I can't play this silly game like I don't know. It's Angel, looking very callow and speaking with a pronounced lisp, despite the fact that he isn't wearing any plastic vampire teeth and in fact wasn't even scripted as a vampire at this point. He reaches into his coat and tosses Buffy a small box, telling her to be ready for "the Harvest." When Buffy asks the man who he is, he replies he's a friend, but not necessarily hers. After he walks away, Buffy opens the box to reveal a silver crucifix.

Buffy walks up to a warehouse building. A sign over the door reads "Bronze," and lots of teens are hanging in the alley outside. Buffy enters, and we get some long filler shots of some hair-farmer band playing onstage. For a little while Buffy just stands, looking around, and then she spots Willow sitting at the bar; they exchange greetings and Buffy joins her. Willow explains she's there hoping Xander will show up.

They discuss Willow's crush on Xander, dating back to when they were both five, and Willow explains that she's nervous around boys and doesn't date much. Buffy tries to draw Willow out of her shell and says that her life philosophy is "life is short," and that she doesn't try to worry about what boys think of her and prefers to just "seize the moment." She then spots Giles lurking about on the upper deck of the Bronze and jets off to talk to him. Buffy sasses Giles, saying it's "skanky" of him to be hanging out with students, and Giles sneers that watching the band is "hardly [his] idea of fun." Not mine either, Giles. Instead, he's come to the Bronze to persuade Buffy to take her Slayer duties seriously. Buffy replies that she knows the Harvest is coming because Giles's friend (Angel) told her, but from Giles's look of surprise, we can assume he didn't send the "dark, gorgeous in an annoying sort of way" (Buffy's words, not mine) man in the alley. Buffy insists in an unconvincing way that she didn't like Angel, and Giles decides to change his approach. He points out the unknowing youths dancing and says perhaps a disaster isn't approaching because, after all, Buffy hasn't been having "the nightmares." Buffy looks sad.

We hear Cordelia's voice bitching about something, and then Jesse approaches and asks her to dance. Cordelia makes a blech face and gives him the brush-off, taking her posse with her. Jesse tries to pull together his shredded ego. Back upstairs, Buffy is claiming she hasn't sworn off killing vampires entirely, and Giles admonishes her that she knows very little about vampires and her own powers. He earnestly explains that a Slayer should be able to sense vampires in her vicinity and urges her to try. Buffy quickly points out a man standing below, and when Giles challenges her assessment, she insists it's obvious the man is a vampire due to his outdated ensemble. Buffy and Giles then notice that the vampire is chatting up Willow; Buffy heads downstairs. On the crowded dance floor, a smiling Willow follows after the slightly cross-eyed vampire, obviously having taken Buffy's advice about seizing the moment. Buffy follows into a dark hallway and stops to break the leg off a chair to use as a stake. She walks down the hallway and spots some movement ahead of her. She then rounds a corner, checks a room, and, as a figure looms behind her, whirls and grabs that person by the neck, stake ready. But Buffy has just made the worst move of her short social life at Sunnydale High, because she's applied her stranglehold to Cordelia Chase. "What is your childhood trauma?" screeches Cordy, and Buffy rushes off to find Willow. Now Buffy's back on the Bronze dance floor, where she runs into Giles, who assumes she's taken care of the problem. He begins telling her about his research plans when she corrects his misconception, and when he stutteringly offers to lend her assistance, she instructs him to stay behind as she attempts to rescue Willow. As she leaves the Bronze, we see that Jesse is chatting up a simpering Darla. Ruh roh!