Welcome to the very first ever episode of Buffy. Let's get to it.
Sunnydale High School at night. From a first-person perspective we zoom around the corner towards the library, then down a corridor and into a darkened science classroom towards a window. Suddenly, a fist breaks through the glass and wrestles the lock open. A boy opens the window and starts to climb through, and his blonde companion questions if breaking and entering is a good idea. I could pretend that I don't know that the blonde girl's name is Darla and that she's a vampire, but since I'm sure that knowledge won't come as a surprise to anyone reading this, I won't. Anyway, Soon-To-Be-Dead Boy reassures Darla that it's a "great" idea and clambers over the windowsill. Out in the hallway, STBDB is taking Darla up to the top of the gym because they can see all of Sunnydale from that vantage point. First of all, I'm so sure he's really going up there for the view, and secondly, gyms aren't that tall. Sunnydale must be even more pathetic of a town than I thought. Darla declines to go up to the roof, and STBDB assumes that she just can't wait to get her mitts on his sexay high-school-dropout "assets." For that reason alone, I'm not feeling too choked up about his imminent demise. He leans in for a kiss, but Darla hears a noise and spins around. I must say she's doing a pretty convincing job of portraying a ditzy frightened blonde. The first time I saw this episode, I was fooled. STBDB gives her a hard time about being scared, but then reassures her that they are alone. She asks him if he's sure, and he reiterates it. "Okay," says Darla, who is facing away from him, looking for an intruder. Then she spins around with her game face on and settles down for a midnight snack.
Credits. Whatever happened to the "One Girl in All the World" voiceover? Wait, wasn't Xander's hair supposed to be "bad" in the first season? It certainly looks better than the monstrosity it's been this past season. I'd like to give him a magical mirror into the future so he can avert his bad hair and wardrobe decisions. Hell, even a regular mirror would do it.
In bed, Buffy rolls around dreaming of a large candlelit cavern, vampires, and other things of that ilk. She awakens sporting more makeup than I wear in a week. From downstairs, Joyce calls for Buffy to get up.
Exterior shot of Sunnydale High. Remember ska? It's blasting in the background as various students converge upon the school. Joyce's green SUV pulls up in front; inside, Joyce gives Buffy a mini pep-talk and asks her to please not get kicked out of her new school. Check Buffy out -- she was much cuter when she was a brunette and didn't have so many sharp corners. I also forgot that she used to wear skirts roughly the size of beer cozies.
Xander's zooming down the sidewalk on his skateboard, which we'll never see again. And it might be a good thing too, because when he catches sight of Buffy in her kinderwhore gear, he loses his concentration and runs into the metal railing on the stairs. Luckily Willow, dressed in full-on season-one nerd gear, is the only one to take note of his clumsiness. Remember Willow's hair before they started giving her those red fright-wig rinses? Xander says hello and then tells her that he's having problems with his math homework. She wants to know which part and he replies, "The math." He begs Willow to help him, and she agrees, but tells him to check out "Theories in Trig." Like Xander would even be IN a trig class as a sophomore. "Check it out?" repeats Xander quizzically. Willow explains that he needs to go to the library, "where the books live." Jesse approaches them with news of the new girl, and Xander asks what information he has about Buffy. "New girl," shrugs Jesse. Now that is the type of friend Xander would have. I always thought Willow was way too smart for him.
Willow and the vamp from the Bronze walk through a dark park. Willow chatters on to the silent vamp, but when she tries to tell him he's taking the wrong way to the ice-cream parlor, he grabs her hand, saying he knows a shortcut. They enter a cemetery. Back outside the Bronze, Buffy is still searching for Willow. It's good to see she's improved in her Slayer skills since those days, don't you think? Entire episodes full of "Buffy incompetently looks for her new friend for a long time" would have gotten a little dull. As she looks for Willow, Buffy runs into Xander, who is looking awfully Parker/Ethan-like with his floppy hair and ungroomed brows. Xander's excited to hear that Willow left with a guy until Buffy expresses a desperate need to find her. He then sarcastically hopes Willow didn't leave with a vampire and that Buffy won't have to do any slaying. Buffy is shocked that Xander knows her secret identity and wonders if there was an announcement in the newspaper. Xander doesn't really believe what he's heard about Buffy's supernatural calling, but does realize she's serious about finding Willow.
Willow is still trailing the cross-eyed vamp through the cemetery, babbling about how scary it is. The vamp teasingly asks if she's ever been in a mausoleum, and when she declines, he grabs her and shoves her inside. As Willow panics, the vamp teases her a little, and when she tries to run, she encounters Darla in the doorway. Darla sneers at the vamp's choice, saying that Willow is "hardly a mouthful" and then calls in her own prey, Jesse, who holding his neck and wobbling. That boy's so skinny, I doubt he'd be much more of a meal than Willow. Jesse falls into Willow's arms, and Willow demands that Darla and the cross-eyed vamp let them go. Darla morphs into her game face, and at that moment Buffy and Xander enter the mausoleum. Finally, Buffy! Buffy throws around a few wisecracks about the interior design of the crypt and tells the cross-eyed vamp to "live in the now," a favorite quote of our very own Sports Night recapper, Daniel. The vampires don't know Buffy's identity, and the cross-eyed one moves in to attack her.
She quickly stakes him, which seems to surprise Darla. Buffy tells Xander to get the others to safety, and then Buffy and Darla begin to fight. Outside, Xander, Willow, and Jesse flee though the cemetery. Buffy cracks wise to Darla about how she just wanted a quiet life, and when she's about to tell Darla she's the Slayer, Luke comes from behind and grabs her by the neck. He throws Buffy across the crypt and then bitches Darla out for not bringing the Master his snackies. Luke tells Darla to leave and seems pretty assured that he can take care of Buffy himself.
Willow, Xander, and Jesse are still fleeing through the (apparently very large) cemetery when they encounter a whole gang of vampires. Back at the crypt, Buffy almost stakes Luke, but he again throws her across the room. As Buffy struggles to get up, Luke obnoxiously proclaims about the Harvest, although his delivery is somewhat hampered by his plastic teeth. Quick cuts show us Giles researching and Willow, Xander, and Jesse surrounded by vamps, including Darla, as Luke explains how the Harvest will involve the blood of humans flowing like wine and the Master walking the Earth once more. Luke flings Buffy ass over teacup into the stone coffin, where she lies panting. The room is silent, and just when Buffy has gotten up the courage to peek out, Luke leaps in with her. He grabs her and prepares to bite her neck. To be continued . . .