It Is to Laugh

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In Mexico, Jesse speeds Gus and Mike's ailing selves to Gus's personal pop-up ER, where Gus's life is saved by priority, and Mike's life is saved some time thereafter. Gus and Jesse then have to trek six miles back to Texas. Gus tells Jesse he's ready to cook solo, while Jesse tells Gus that he can't allow for Walt's murder. Just let Walt leave the organization. Gus is dubious this will work. And indeed, after a trip to inform Tio Hector that everyone he once knew is now dead, Gus must deal with the increasingly unstable problem of Walt.

Because Walt has not been able to do much to dissuade Hank from his continues surveillance of Gus's various properties. In fact, Hank has discovered Gus's connection to the laundromat (a.k.a. America's Meth Kitchen) and wants Walt to drive him there. Walt panics and turns the Aztek into traffic in order to keep this particular rendezvous from happening. But even this doesn't deter Hank, who has made arrangements for a handicap-accessible car so he'll be able to continue the investigation without bothering Walt.

So when Walt finds out that someone's been cooking in the lab while he's been laid up with car-crash injuries, Walt goes directly to Jesse and basically begs him to convince Gus not to kill him. Jesse -- who has already made this request, as we know -- tells Walt to go fuck himself, on account of how much of a jerk he's being. After Jesse returns to his home, Tyrus and Gus's goons taze Walt and drag him to the desert, where Gus advances his proposal: Walt is fired. He will have no further contact with Jesse. He's out. Never one to leave well enough alone, Walt sneers that Gus can't kill him, because Jesse has obviously refused to cook if Walt is offed. Gus is like, a) that can change over time, and b) oh by the way, I'm going to murder your brother-in-law, and if you try to stop me, I will kill your wife, your son, and your infant daughter.

Walt makes a beeline for Saul's office, where he begs for the number of that guy Saul knows who can disappear him and his family. The guy is pricey -- probably half a mil for Walt to get his whole family off the grid -- but Walt's plan is to get gone immediately, then have Saul call in an anonymous tip to the DEA so that Hank and Marie will be protected. There's only one problem: the money he thought he had stashed underneath the house is gone because...

Oh right, fucking Ted! Skyler once again is unable to convince Ted to pay the goddamn IRS already, so she goes to Saul, who sends his two best goons (Big Fat Pinhead and the guy who pretended to be with the EPA) to threaten Ted. They get Ted to fill out a check to the IRS, but when Ted tries to bolt, he does so SO clumsily that he slips on a rug and flies head-first into some furniture. Last we saw, his finger was twitching, but it didn't look good.

So here's how we leave the situation: Walt is digging in the crawl space for money that isn't there. Skyler is horrified to have to tell him the missing money is now with Ted. Marie is on the phone, traumatized by the fact that the DEA is telling her the cartel is coming after Hank. And with the DEA having been thusly tipped off, Gus is likely instructing his men to go and murder the entire White family, and Walt doesn't have the money to pay the guy to get him out of this whole dire situation.

And we've got two more episodes for this awfulness to play itself out!

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We open on a quaint little pop-up hospital inside a warehouse in Mexico. The medics inside are readying supplies -- something's coming. The Head Medic gets a call, and everybody mobilizes outside. You hear Jesse's speeding car before you see it; he's beeping the horn like it's an ambulance alarm as he bounds up and skids to a stop right in front of the warehouse. Head Medic checks the front door, sees it's Mike, then immediately goes to the back door and unloads an unconscious Gus. He injects something into Gus's mouth and bags him. Jesse is left to scream at the medical team -- What about Mike??

Inside, they get to work on Gus. Jesse has to walk Mike in as Mike bleeds out his pant legs. Grim stuff. Jesse puts him on a bed, and then screams at the medics: "This man needs help!" Head Medic turns to him and points to Gus: "This man pays my salary."

Back home at America's Meth Kitchen, Walt is being watched suuuper closely by Tyrus, who is silent as ever. Walt measures out 40.23 pounds for a box of the blue, and while he does, he peppers Tyrus with questions about the Mexican expedition. Are they back yet? Have you heard? "If Pinkman is gone," Walt says, "I am done. Understand? I quit." Again, no answer from Tyrus. He simply steps up and re-weighs the box. Walt takes offense, but Tyrus finds Walt's number was off: it's 40.21. Well! Walt grumbles, re-labels and re-stacks. Walt then starts on another talking point: Hank keeps talking about driving out to the farm. Walt has stalled as long as he can. He just wants to make sure the place has been made presentable? He should be the one to take him out there, right? Can Tyrus run it up the chain of command? Oh, this is sad. Walt trying desperately to find some foothold of control within the organization. He gets nothing in return.

Cut to Walt and Hank on a stakeout of the chicken farm. Thus far, nothing suspicious, so Walt is impatient to declare the whole endeavor a bust. Hank is annoyed and says this is what the job is sometimes -- sitting and waiting. Walt then fishes for cartel news. Nothing stateside, says Hank, but he has heard rumblings of a big body-count event in Mexico. "We'll know more when the buzzards leave the bones," Hank says, having no idea how much a statement like that cuts into Walt. Hank is more concerned about Walt's bruised face. He wonders if Walt is in over his head with this gambling stuff. He talks about an old buddy of his with a gambling problem who got help. "He got on a ride that was rough to get off of." That sounds pretty apt, as far as Walt is concerned. But Walt has no intention of following Hank down that road. "I don't want to talk about it," Walt says, with finality. "To you or to anyone else. I'm done explaining myself."

Back in Mexico, Jesse is worried as shit. The blood bag draining into Mike is getting low, and he brings this to Head Medic's attention. He directs Jesse to grab a fresh bag from the fridge. Inside, there are blood supplies for Gus, Mike and Jesse. Man, when Gus Fring travels, he travels prepared, yo. Head Medic also knows Jesse's blood type, height, weight, bad habits, allergies and medical conditions (none). Jesse is less freaked out than he could be; he is somewhat used to this by now. Head Medic grabs a bag of O-neg for Mike. Gus comes in looking better. Alive. It's time to go, he tells Jesse. What about Mike? He's not ambulatory; Gus will send for him. He grabs the chain that Mike took from around Eladio's neck, embraces Head Medic, who is clearly an old friend, and takes off. Jesse casts one last look back at poor Mike. Heartbreaking.

Outside, it's vamanos time. No airplane today, just six miles on foot to the Texas border. They'll get picked up there. Jesse wonders if Gus will make it. They've been through the shit now. They're not equals, but almost all the barriers between them have been lifted. Gus says Jesse is ready to cook solo now. Jesse stops in his tracks. "Let Mr. White go," he tells Gus, halfway between a beg and a command. "Pay him off or fire him but don't kill him." "You know that won't work," Gus says. Jesse stands firm: "Then you got a problem." Back to the walking.

Skyler and Holly return home from grocery shopping, and Skyler checks the machine. It's a message from Ted, so she turns the volume down lest Junior hear from the other room. Ted's all, "About that thing we discussed? I can't do it, I'm sorry, know that's not what you wanted to hear." That is an understatement.

Smash cut to Ted's house, where he answers the door, nearly tripping over his rug on the way. It seems Skyler framed the whole IRS pay-off thing around Walt's gambling addiction. Ted soft-pedals her, saying he knows this is heavy stuff, but he just can't, in good conscience, pay the IRS with dirty gambling money. Skyler's like, why, are your check-writing hands damaged or something? Also, when did you grow a conscience? Ted's check-writing hands have apparently been hard at work writing Skyler a check for the money she gave him. She's so pissed, you guys. She lays out the scenario where Ted doesn't pay the IRS, they go investigating, find out that Walt and Skyler paid for the car wash with "untaxed gambling earnings," and they'll go to prison, where Ted will already be. Ted, infuriatingly naïve, is like, whoa! Nobody's going to prison here! Skyler can't even process the ridiculousness of Ted. We've all been there, in that argument with somebody who's unarguable because they don't accept simple facts. Ted Beneke is basically the Tea Party telling Skyler that Obama is a Muslim. Ted says even if he pays the IRS, he's still bankrupt; his life is still ruined. Skyler reads into this: "You're saying you can't take the money I gave you...but you can take a larger amount?" Ted strenuously backs off and insists that's not what he means, but Sykler persists: "Ted, are you blackmailing me?" Now maybe Skyler is writing her own narrative here, but nevertheless she twists the knife, bringing up the Mercedes he bought. He's like, well, you know how ironclad those leases are, you know. Oh my GOD, what a wiener. He says he will do his best to pay back that money too. Skyler rips up his check. "I don't want you to pay ME, I want you to pay THEM!" She grabs his checkbook and tells him to try again. He's all, "Skyler! What happened to us?" Oh lord. These are the limits of Skyler's strong-arm tactics, it would seem. Cut to her in the car, defeated. She grabs her phone and calls Saul, which is never a good prospect.

At the old folks' home, Tio Hector is watching Bridge on the River Kwai. Gus arrives, aggressively cheerful given the circumstances. He dangles Don Eladio's chain in front of his face. That's right, Hector. They're all dead. Gus lists the names of the capos he's killed. Tio shuts his eyes. Also, Gus continues, Tio's grandson, Joaquin, is also dead. You know who killed Joaquin? Gus turns Hector's chair to face Jesse, standing across the room. Tio's eyes flash a fiery recognition at Jesse. Gus continues to taunt Hector: "The Salamanca name dies with you." Tio now won't look at Gus, just staring at Jesse. "Look at me, Hector!" He won't. It's the one act of defiance he has left -- short of soiling himself, which I'm both surprised and grateful that he hasn't done. Gus stalks out, leaving Jesse to "whoa" at the intensity of it all.

Walt once again escorts Hank on a stakeout trip and unsuccessfully tries to dig for info on the shootout in Mexico. This time, however, Hank doesn't want to go to the chicken farm. He explains that he's dug up intel on this industrial laundry that he'd like to check out. At "industrial laundry," Walt begins shitting a brick. Hank explains about Madrigal Electromotive and how it ties together all of Gus's businesses, and the air filtration system, and Gale. Walt tries to talk Hank out of it, but Hank doesn't take him seriously, so Walt begins to panic. He needs to quickly think of a way to get out of this. He intentionally drives past the turn into the driveway, and Hank's like WTF is wrong with you? Walt pretends to be confused, then sees his opportunity as he screeches into a U-turn directly into the path of an oncoming car. CRUNCH. Well, it HAD been a while since that poor Aztek got totaled, right?

After the break, we see Skyler and Junior paying a visit to Hank, sharing some frozen yogurt with the poor neck-braced bastard. It's been a couple days since the crash. There's some funny, relaxed banter about the merits of frozen yogurt that really lands the idea that this could be a very normal, warm-hearted family if it weren't submerged into this dark, horrible drug story. The reason for that submergement shows up to pay his respects to Hank. Hank calls Walt "Mister Magoo" -- he's genial but there's a weary edge to his voice, like once again Walt's fraying personality fucked things up for him. Walt's face, by the way, is the Aztek of Season 4, constantly getting busted and re-busted. Walt apologizes for the car crash, saying the guy came out of nowhere. Hank plainly says no, he didn't, but is kind enough to chalk the whole event up to a "brain fart." Marie chimes in that, more importantly their "Hardy Boys routine" is over -- no more stakeouts. Junior pipes up that he'll take Hank on stakeouts, and Skyler's like, "Uh, no you won't." Hank says it's fine, since he broke down and ordered himself a "gimp-mobile." A car with hand-controls so he can drive himself around and "stop being such a damn burden to everyone." Aw, Hank. Skyler gets a phone call and retires to the living room, where there are even purple books on the shelves! Oh my God, Marie's design psychosis is so appealing to me. It's Saul on the phone, and of course Skyler can't talk, but she can listen. Saul says he's checked out Ted -- he neither owns a gun nor a panic button, so they're good to go. Ominous! Skyler says she doesn't want anyone hurt (!), but Saul assures her he has his "A Team" on it.

Saul's "A Team" consists of big, pointy-headed Huell and the fake EPA guy from the Bogdan shakedown. They arrive at Ted's door and let themselves in, and EPA Fraud announces to Ted that their job right now is to do their best to keep Huell happy. What would make him unhappy? If Ted doesn't do what he's told. And what's he being told? Well, to find his checkbook, for one thing. EPA Fraud tells him to write a check for $617,226.31, and Ted lies and says he doesn't have it, but they know better. When EPA Fraud tells him to make the check payable to the IRS, Ted connects the dots. He tries to say that Skyler is a dear friend of his and that she'd never do this. EPA Fraud is like, "No, YOU'RE misunderstanding, now SIT DOWN AND WRITE." Ted does, making Huell reasonably happy. EPA Fraud then tells Ted to fill out the UPS paperwork, then announces his intention to take the check down to UPS while Huell waits here with Ted. And then the three of them will wait another couple of days until the check clears. ...Okay, this seems like less fun for Ted. Still, EPA Fraud is being fairly good-humored about this whole situation. But Ted isn't even going to give it enough time for Stockholm Syndrome to set in, because he bolts. He sprints for the door, tripping on that damned rug, and flying head-first into a table, knocking some oranges from a bowl onto his back. EPA Fraud and Huell look at each other like "...So that happened." The angle of Ted's body suggests a possible broken neck, but his little finger is still twitching, so I guess that counts as a gray area? Still: Ted Beneke got fucked again.

At the Laundromat, the place is now under surveillance, so Walt is wheeled into the place inside a bin of dirty sheets. Inside, Walt emerges from them all coughing and gagging -- couldn't they have been clean sheets?? Tyrus breaks his customary silence to snicker and say they COULD have been. Inside America's Meth Kitchen, Walt feels the tank and checks the nozzles and deduces that someone has cooked here. Tyrus reminds Walt that he was out of commission for four days; they weren't about to just stop cooking. Walt gets agitated (...I know!) and demands to know who cooked. Who was here??

Cut to Jesse's house, where he's on the couch, playing video games with Brock. I don't know current video game stuff, but I do see Sonic, so that's cool. Anyway, as you might expect, this is the cutest shit EVER, and Jesse is so happy and can't he just BE HAPPY AND PLAY HAPPY SONIC GAMES FOREVER, VINCE GILLIGAN?? Andrea joins them and they're like a happy family and I'm dying. And then there's a knock at the door to break the spell. Jesse knows it's not good news, and he probably knows it's Walter. He hands off his controller to Andrea and answers -- yup, it's Walt. He's agitated and afraid, but also trying to be penitent; it doesn't come naturally to him. Jesse tries to close the door on him, but Walt begs, so instead Jesse pushes Walt out to the lawn. He keeps shoving him away, farther and farther from his house with his little family. Walt does say "I'm sorry," but then not half a second later he rebounds with an accusation: "I know you have been cooking without me." Now, we've seen both of these men lay themselves down for each other separately, this very week. But here, neither one of them can back off their posture and so are instead accusing each other of betrayals. Walt thinks Jesse cooking is sealing his fate, and Jesse doesn't bother to contradict Walt's assumptions. Jesse returns, "You brought your brother-in-law to our lab!" Walt says that was not his fault. He can't parry off Jesse's accusation so easily; when Walt says he needs Jesse's help, Jesse snaps, "The last time I asked for your help, you said I hope you end up buried in a barrel in the Mexican desert." Jesse stomps back inside, leaving Walt on the law. And as if that wasn't bad enough, from behind Walt comes Tyrus and some thugs. And Tyrus has an electric cattle prod, one he's not afraid to use. He shocks Walt a few times, incapacitating him with one strike and reserving the other ones for malice. Tyrus does not care for Walt, you guys.

After the break, out in the desert, sits Walter White with a hood over his face. Tyrus, flanked by his goon, waits for Gus to drive up, which he does. And he is ready for BIZ. Wild-eyed and furious, he rips the hood off of Walt, thrusting into the blinding desert sunlight. His message to Walt is simple: "You! Are! Done!" Fired. Beyond that, there's one simple directive: stay away from Jesse Pinkman. "Do not go near him. Ever." I'm sorry, is it weird that I find this oddly and endearingly paternal on Gus's part? Anyway, Walt, the fucker, defies Gus. He's put together that Jesse laid down on the tracks for him; that's the only way Gus isn't killing him now. So, because Walt's a giant asshole, he decides to press his luck. "Or else you'll do what?" No, he really says that. To Gus Fring. We get a moment to soak that in as we cut to a MARVELOUS long shot of the men, the desert, and a cloud passing between them and the sun. Just a dark shadow creeping across the blistered ground. So Walt has decided that Gus can't kill him. And now it's time to...what? Gloat? Can that really be the route he's taking? He brags about Jesse protecting him. "No matter how you tried to turn him against me, to screw with his head to make him hate my guts, and he still won't let you do it." Gus's jaw is set. "For now," he assures Walt. Meantime, there's Hank to consider. "He is a problem you promised to resolve," Gus says. "You have failed." Now it's time for Gus to take care of Hank himself. And all that that implies. If Walt tries to interfere, it gets simpler: "I will kill your wife. I will kill your son. I will kill your infant daughter." DONE. That shuts Walt up pretty well. Tyrus cuts Walt free, and Walt whimpers and hyperventilates. Can he even walk after all the shockings? He'd better try. Lots to do.

Saul's in his office with his "A Team," and he's huffing and puffing over the fate of Ted. Which is ... what, exactly? They're certainly acting like the guy is dead (Huell: "It was an act of God!"), but the refusal of the show to actually say so makes me think he's not. EPA Fraud says at least Ted cut the check before ... you know. Saul snorts that that's not much comfort. "Oh hello, Mrs. White," he pantomimes. "The good news is the IRS is paid off, the bad news is..." Oh, STOP TRAILING OFF, YOU GUYS! Anyway, Saul's hair is really upset. Suddenly, Walt storms in (Saul: "How did you hear?!"), but of course this isn't about fucking TED, Saul! Walt needs to get disappeared! He needs the name of the guy Saul told him about weeks ago; the guy who was good at disappearing people. Walt needs this guy immediately. He puts it plain to Saul: "Gus is going to murder my family." Saul is once again afraid for his life, but he eventually moves to get the disappearer's card for Walt. He stressed to Walt that this move is final. No going back. And how's he gonna sell this to his family? And, by the way, it's going to run him at least half a million dollars to disappear four people. Walt's like, "I got it! The number!" Saul hands him the card for a vacuum cleaner repair service, and Walt reacts strongly to that one. Saul's like, "It's a front, idiot." Just ask for "A new dust filter for a Hoover MaxExtract PressurePro, Model 60" and the guy will call Walt right back. He works fast, Saul says, so have your family packed and ready to go before you call.

One more thing, Walt says, still frantic as ever: Saul needs to call the DEA and tell them that Gus has a hit out on Hank. Saul refuses -- he's gotta go on living here. Walt screams that he has to -- Walt can't, they know his voice. He's begging; "My brother-in-law doesn't deserve to die because of this." Again, I do have to give Walt credit -- when it comes down to it, he's been very concerned about keeping people like Jesse and Hank safe. Saul agrees to call, but he won't say Gus, he'll just say the cartel is coming back to finish Hank off. Whatever works. Walt, full-on crying now, says he needs to go collect his family. Give him an hour, then make the call. Finally, he turns back: "Thank you, Saul."

Intense clubby music accompanies Walt as he arrives home and races right for the crawl space. He gets down, finds the garment bags, and grabs all the money they hold. He figures it out almost immediately. "Where's the rest??" he yells out into the universe, before repeating, "Not enough! Not enough!" Skyler arrives home and calls out for Walt. "What did that phone call mean?" she says, petrified. Interesting we never got to hear the companion call to the season's earlier panic dial. This time, Skyler got the tone right, it seems. Walt can't even think to ask anything but "WHERE'S THE MONEY?!" Skyler is so fucking freaked. The horrifying realization that her note just got called in: not only does she not have the money -- TED has it. FUCKING TED! All the implications of that wash over her at once, and it is horrible. It's also kind of hilarious, and I'm glad Walt thinks so, because after he's done screaming he just starts laughing. From his little crawlspace. The phone rings, and Marie leaves a message on the machine -- her tone fits the room. Crying and panicked, she says the DEA called with news that the cartel wants to kill Hank and agents are on the way. Walt's still laughing, Marie's crying ("When is this going to end?"), and amid all this, Skyler picks up the phone and tries to sound calm. "Marie, I'm here," she says. Crying and laughing everywhere, until Walt's all laughed out. And as the camera pulls back from Walt in the crawlspace, visible through that tiny square in the floor, he looks very much like a man in his tomb, ready to be sealed up.

Joe R will be playing Sonic with Jesse if you need him. He can be reached for lavish praise and nothing but at joseph.reid21@gmail.com.