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Hoooooly crap. So, in ascending order of jaw-droppiness:
Skyler faces a week's worth of disappointment when, first, Junior isn't able to successfully fake being happy at her birthday gift of a PT Cruiser (oh, Skyler!), and then when her scheme to use Saul to front Ted Beneke some of her drug money so he can pay his back taxes (through a ruse involving imaginary Luxembourgian aunts), Ted reverts to crappy form by using the money to buy himself a Mercedes. Skyler heads down to Beneke to straighten some shit out, and when Ted persists in his intention to use this found money to re-start his business rather than pay the IRS, Skyler lets him know where his mystery cash really came from.
Meanwhile, Junior finds his father bloodied and looped on painkillers and booze the morning after Walt's big fight with Jesse. A woozy Walt finally allows himself a vulnerable moment, as he explains that the fight he got into was all his fault and he made a mistake. He doesn't tell Junior any of the particulars about the fight (in fact, he lies and says it was about his gambling), but he does call Junior "Jesse" at one point, which should be enough to touch even the most hardened Walt-hater's heart. The morning, he's back to gruff, secretive Walt, and he tells Junior that loopy and vulnerable is not how he wants his son to remember him. Junior tells him that actually wouldn't be that bad of a way to remember him. Better than the angry shell of a man he's been this past year.
And then there's Mexico. Gus, Mike, and Jesse are taken to the cartel's facility, where Jesse is momentarily thrown when the cartel op calls for more chemistry know-how than he's able to provide. But when the cartel's house chemist challenges him, Jesse is able to harness his greatest attribute: bravado. He tells the house chemist in no uncertain terms that he is Jesse's bitch and his operation is filthy and full of contaminants. He orders the whole place scrubbed, and the proof is in the 96+% pure meth he produces on the first batch. Great news! The delegate/sniper guy then tells Jesse that he will now be staying on as the cartel's in-house cook. Less than great news!
Later, as Gus wallows in memories as he stands poolside at Don Eladio's villa, Mike assures Jesse that either they're all leaving Mexico together or none of them will. How will that scenario present itself? Well, after introducing Jesse to the still-condescending Eladio, Gus gifts the man with a fancy bottle of tequila. Eladio is elated and pours shots for everyone -- though Gus tells him that Jesse, as an addict, can't drink. Everyone else does, though -- Gus first, even. Of course, Eladio doesn't know that Gus previously downed some mystery pills, and that, combined with some bulimia action in the bathroom is the reason why, when Eladio and all his capos suddenly drop dead, Gus remains only mostly dead. After summoning all his rage to call to Eladio's remaining servants/guards that they have no one left to fight for and should instead scavenge the corpses for valuables and then disperse, Gus needs to be dragged out to a car by Mike and Jesse. There, they come under fire from the last Eladio loyalist. Mike is struck either by a stray bullet or shrapnel from the driver's side window, so Jesse is left to gun down the assailant on his own, which he does. So with Gus dying in the back seat and Mike bleeding in the front, Jesse prepares to end the weirdest spring break he's ever had.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Gus saw his Pollo Hermano Max murdered in front of him by Don Eladio and his men. Skyler was considering using her laundry bags full of cash to bail out Ted Beneke (and thus keep her name off the government's radar). Gus asked Jesse to help him in his peace agreement with the cartel by going to Mexico and teaching them how to cook the blue meth. And when Jesse told Walt this, it led to a huge brawl, after which Jesse said he never wanted to see Walter again.
We open out in the desert, as three men wait in silence. Gus, Mike and poor bewildered Jesse. Gus holds a sizeable package with a purple bow on it. Probably too much to hope that bow means Marie has something to do with all this. Single-engine plane lands in the middle of nowhere, and the men board. Jesse looks nervous as fuck, as he should on a plane that size. In the air, Gus can see it on Jesse's face, so he says the nicest thing I have ever seen him say: "You can do this." Hilariously, he looks over to Mike, whose face reads, "Ehhhhh, we'll see."
The phone rings at Walt's apartment, but he doesn't answer. Broken glasses and bloody napkins sit on his counter. On the voice mail, Skyler says she waited this long, she wanted to do this together, but she's going to go ahead with it. Something shady? Something with the money? No, just time to spring Junior's birthday present on him. After a ruse to get him outside, Skyler ta-das as Junior spots the PT Cruiser in the driveway. His voice says, "Thanks, Mom," but his face says, "Those balloons tied to the windshield wipers make it very unlikely that she's talking about another car. "Pretty slick, huh?" Skyler asks. She says she did a lot of research, and this one is really roomy -- so he can carpool with all his friends -- and also features a CD player! Oh, Skyler. She asks if he'd like to take it for a spin. Junior says he's really hungry right now; maybe later? OUCH.
Saul sits in his office with his head on his desk: this is a bad idea. He's fretting hardcore, and we soon see why, as his secretary sends in Ted Beneke. Don't worry, Saul, that sense of dread happens whenever anyone has to see Ted. Ted's not sure why he's here -- haven't we all wondered that? But Saul says he regretfully has to deliver some bad news: Ted's Great Aunt Birgit has passed away. You know, the one in Luxembourg. Ted has never heard of her and can't really believe that she'd name him in his will. But when Saul gets to the part about her leaving him an estate of $621,552.33, Ted gets a whole lot less skeptical. Chump.
Mexico. Gus, Mike and Jesse are blindfolded on the drive to the cartel's lab. So weird to see Gus hold his glasses in his hands. We also get a shot of Jesse's raw knuckles after the fight. They arrive at the lab, where they meet with the delegate/sniper, Gaff, and an unnamed Mexican chemist who is clearly the guy in charge of the lab. He gets immediately bitchy about how Jesse does not look like a chemist. Is this a joke? Mexichemist is speaking Spanish, by the way, so all of this is directed at Gus. Gaff, is like, "So we've all been introduced; let's get on with it." Jesse looks at equipment and eventually asks where they keep the phenylacetic acid. Mexichemist says they synthesize their own. This throws Jesse who pulls Gus aside. He says he doesn't -- can't -- do that. He gets his phenylacetic acid from the barrell marked "B." Jesse's more of a Duncan Hines meth cook, see. Gus turns back to Mexichemist and says that Jesse was told that the phenylacetic acid would be ready when he arrived. Mexichemist sees through Gus's wordplay and wonders what kind of third-rate chemist can't produce phenylacetic acid. Jesse doesn't know Spanish, but he knows when someone's calling him an infant who can't cook. He tells Gus, while staring at Mexichemist, to tell this asshole that he was brought in to cook his product. And if Mexichemist wants to learn, he's gotta do it Jesse's way. Nice to see Jesse taking Gus's lead -- when the circumstances aren't in your favor, bluff.
Mexichemist then reveals he speaks English. So he heard Jesse admit he can't make phenylacetic acid. But, as Jesse points out, he also knows he's been called an asshole. "Now go get me my phenylacetic acid, asshole." Gaff is like, cut the shit, how long 'til you can get him his acid? Mexichemist says a couple hours at least. Since Jesse's now on a roll, he says they can use those couple hours to talk about the shabby state of the lab here. He peeks into vats and proclaims the whole place filthy. It's true -- it's no America's Meth Kitchen. Part of this is Jesse strategically puffing his chest out to seem more authoritative, but part of this is also Jesse using Walt's lessons about how to make superior product. Has there ever been any doubt that Walter's OCD attention to cleanliness and eliminating all contaminants has been the secret to Heisenberg's success? Just ask that damned fly. "Who do you think you are?" Mexichemist asks. Jesse: "I'm the guy your boss brought here to show you how it's done." And if this is how Mexichemist runs his lab, Jesse's not surprised. Let's take the occasion of this Jesse closeup to note the state of Jesse's bruised face. The fallout from that fight is being kept fresh in our minds. Anyway, Jesse suggests Mexichemist stop whining "like a little bitch" and do what he says. At this, Mike smiles. Gus smiles. PRIDE! Defeated, Mexichemist calls for his men to get cleaning.
Lo and behold, Junior is actually driving the Cruiser -- success! A small victory for Skyler White. He rings Walt's doorbell to no response, because, as we cut inside to Walter, we see he's in bed, with a sheet over his head, and the wound on his forehead has bled through the sheet. When Junior starts leaving a message on the machine, Walt pulls the sheet off ... and it STICKS to his GROSS HEAD WOUND. Yack. So Junior says he's seriously worried about his dad, after he missed out on Junior's birthday party. He says he's going to call 911 if he doesn't get an answer. This gets Walt, clad in his customary tennis whites (i.e. sad, saggy underpants) to open the garage door and invite Junior in with a gruff "Come in if you're coming in." He's groggy as fuck, and when Junior asks what happened, he admits he got into a fight. Junior is intent on making his dad talk to him, even threatening to call Skyler. Walt says don't, because he's been gambling. The closeup on Walt's face -- bruised and cut and misshapen -- reveals that, for once, there's no mask of pride or rage. He begs Junior to keep it to himself. Junior presses for details, like who he got into a fight with? Walt considers his answer, then does the most shocking thing I've seen all season: he starts to cry. "I made a mistake," he says. "It's my own fault." Junior tears up in sympathy, as Walt keeps repeating that it's all his fault and he's sorry. Is he saying it to Junior? Or to someone else? Junior tries to comfort his dad, who is in such a terrible state. It's Junior who actually walks Walt back to his bedroom and tucks him into bed. Near-asleep, Walt asks Junior how his birthday was and about his new car. Junior, adorably, is like, "Sure I like it! It drives great!" Walt mumbles his response: "That's good, Jesse." Oh, break my heart, Walter White.
Mexico's Meth Kitchen. Jesse goes through the steps of mixing the ingredients, as the other lab workers watch (and in some cases record on video). Time lapse to the morning, when Jesse is breaking up the glass. Mexichemist sourly takes a sample, grinds it up, dissolves it into water, and injects that solution into this machine that obviously calibrates the meth's purity. Jesse and the workers watch as the numbers climb, and when they settle on 96.2, Jesse lets out a triumphant exhale. "Well done," says Gus (positive feedback from an authority figure!), while Mexichemist scowls. "The first of many," says Gaff happily. Jesse kind of WTFs at him, so Gaff elaborates: "You belong to the cartel now." So, you know, GULP.
White Wash. Saul has stopped by to update Skyler on the day's earlier meeting with Ted. These two are as warm towards each other as ever -- Skyler bitches that Saul is too recognizable a face to show up at the car wash without raising suspicions. He does have his face all over those bus benches, after all. Saul, meanwhile, wants Skyler to know what a terrible idea this whole float-Ted-money thing is. Skyler takes the high road by NOT telling Saul what a bad idea that purple-tie-on-salmon-shirt ensemble is, instead calmly saying that this harebrained scheme is preferable to prison. But Saul has some cold water to throw on her: after he handed Ted the cash, he waited a whole afternoon before he pulled Ted's credit report. He shows Skyler that Ted went and bought a Mercedes yesterday immediately after getting the money. Saul is relatively restrained in saying "I told you so" (though he does explicitly say "I told you so"). Skyler, meanwhile, has her jaw set. "Where is he now?" she asks. OH SHIT.
Walt wakes to find his glasses repaired and Junior asleep on the couch. Walt rather sweetly wakes him up by stroking his face. Junior assures Walt he covered for him with Skyler, and then asks his dad how he's doing. Walt explains that he took painkillers and booze last night -- he's explaining not the fight, I think, but the loopy and forthcoming condition in which Junior found him last night. Yesterday, he regretted the fight (and by extension, his betrayal of Jesse); this morning, he regrets crying in front of his son. Junior assures him it's fine, but Walt is emphatic: "I don't want you to think of me like you saw me last night." Junior doesn't understand, so Walt explains with a story about his own father, who died when he was six. He had Huntington's disease and basically wasted away before Walt could even remember him. All he knew about his father he knew from stories his mother told him. She thought she was painting a picture of this man for Walter, but the truth was, Walt's picture of his father came from the one memory he had of him. Right before he died, Walt was taken to the hospital to see him. He recalls for Junior the stench of cleaning products designed to cover up the smell of death and dying. He remembers the sight of his dad, "all twisted up" and unresponsive and frightening to a six-year-old. He describes his dad's death rattle, how frightening that must've sounded to a child. So you can see how Walt might be obsessed with the way Junior will remember him, and he doesn't want last night to be that image. Junior, my total hero, says, "Remembering you that way wouldn't be so bad." Better than remembering him as the way he's been this whole last year. "At least last night, you were real." You would hope this lands with Walt. Certainly this idea of how his family will remember him when he's gone has been a prime motivator for Walt throughout the series. Maybe Junior's words will allow him to make choices beyond considerations of what will make him look most like a badass from beyond the grave.
As Junior pulls away, up pulls Tyrus, who dickishly reminds him that he should be at work. Not the time, Tyrus!
Ted's office. Which is a mess of ledgers strewn about. Ted's on the phone talking about getting the business up and running again. Skyler is playing it cool, just seeing how things are going. "Things took a turn," he says. "Kinda crazy. Universe trying to tell me something." So he's getting the business back up again! Skyler feigns surprise and gets him to tell her about his "unexpected cash infusion." She points out the Mercedes in the parking lot, which he fluffs off as part of "presenting that successful image." Skyler's like, so the IRS is resolved, then? You paid them? Oh not yet! Ted's decided to get a lawyer and fight it, get a better deal. That's no good for Skyler because it means the investigation persists, with the government even more motivated to dig further and find more dirt on Ted (and by extension her). She's like, "You won't get a better deal. Pay your damn back taxes already." Ted says his priorities are getting his employees back to work again, which, credit to Ted, he's a doofus and he bought himself a Mercedes, but he does seem to be genuinely concerned with the welfare of his employees. Skyler tries to sell the idea that, for his employees, it's best that Ted get his own house in order first (also valid, if self-motivated). Ted gets prickly with Skyler; this is his money; this is not Skyler's call. They go back and forth like this, Skyler telling him he needs to pay the IRS now, and Ted telling her she's not the boss of him. Finally, he (wussily) shows her the door, so Skyler has to pull out the big guns: "From whom exactly do you think you got that $600,000, Ted? Great Aunt Birgit?" Ted: "That was you?" This guy! He catches on quick.
After the break, if you feel your blood running cold and all your muscles tensing up, that is the perfectly correct reaction, because Gus Fring has returned to poolside at Don Eladio's compound. Mike and Jesse hang out in the background, while Gus stands in the exact spot where his partner Max was murdered in front of his very eyes. He stares at his reflection in the water. Some shit is going to happen, you guys. He takes a tiny pill box out of his pocket and swallows to brown capsules out of it. Meanwhile, Jesse and Mike sit over at a table with the box with the bow on it. Jesse is freaking out about that whole "all your meth cooks are belong to us" thing. Mike is blunt and oddly reassuring: "Either we all go home or none of us do." Then he tells him to settle down. Mike's an awesome dad.
Eladio's army of capos files out, like the members of a tan suit society. Eladio has eschewed his track suit of old for a more dad-like khakis and a button-down. After a wait of a billion years, and one terribly insincere greeting (oh, it's time for hugs, is it?), Eladio tells Gus he's so happy he "finally came to [his] senses." Gus won't allow himself to exchange in pleasantries, but instead very professionally presents Jesse as "the cook." He instructs Jesse to "address him as Don Eladio -- it's a term of respect." Eladio immediately knows Jesse doesn't speak Spanish and sneers about, though he does shout down Mexichemist's bitchery about what an amateur Jesse is. Besides, he'll have plenty of time to learn Spanish once he's living permanently in Mexico. Eladio then spots the gift box; Gus says it's a token of respect in honor of their new friendship. Eladio looks to Gaff, who nods in that "I checked it out." Inside is an expensive bottle of tequila, and Eladio is honestly thrilled by it. "Perhaps it's too good to share," he muses with ultimate self-satisfaction. But of course, how else can he assert his dominance over everybody else if he doesn't demand they all partake in a toast? Smiling, he threatens his servants as they pour shots that he'll cut off their hands if they spill a drop. Everyone gets a shot, but Gus stops Eladio before he hands one to Jesse. He's a recovering addict, Gus explains, and he's not allowed to go off the wagon while he's cooking. Eladio surprisingly goes along with that. Gus toasts with a "Salud," but before they drink, Eladio has a moment of suspicion. He waits. They all wait. So Gus downs his shot first, never once breaking eye contact. Eladio happily nods, and they all drink. Party time! Bring out the girls!
Cut to pool party fun times. Jesse sits along, wondering when's the part where he doesn't have to live in Mexico. He's too conflicted to even accept a cigar from a bikini-clad floozy, at least not without resistance. Gus, meanwhile, sits upright by himself, still staring into the pool. Eladio sits by him and is basically like, "Cheer up, Charlie, I'm totally not mad at you for the way I sabotaged your business and basically forced you at gunpoint into this agreement. Kind of like I'm totally not mad at you for making me kill your partner. You just kind of ask for it every twenty years or so. Totally nothing personal!" Gus doesn't respond, instead asking to use the bathroom. Eladio is annoyed, so he sends a goon with Gus to show him the way.
Inside the bathroom, as you may have been expecting, Gus removes his jacket, starts the water running to mask the sound, places a towel delicately on the floor (love that touch), kneels down on it, sticks a finger down his throat, and begins puking up the tequila shot.
Outside, Eladio is ogling a girl when he drops his cigar into the pool. He spots various capos all over the patio, dropping to the ground. He stumbles into a table as Gaff, who did not partake in the tequila, makes a beeline for him, but Mike runs up behind him with some garroting wire.
Back to Gus in the bathroom, washing his hands and putting his jacket back on. He steps over the body of the goon on his way out the bathroom and saunters outside to find Mike choking the life out of Gaff and Eladio struggling to remain upright. Okay, Eladio is a bastard, but: the constitution on this guy! Everybody else is cold on the ground and he's still hanging on. Of course, he only lasts long enough for Gus to get into his line of sight. So happy that Gus was able to make sure Eladio knew he had his revenge. Eladio falls dead into the pool, and Mike tells Jesse to make himself useful and find a gun. Jesse, watching this all unfold with eyes as wide as ours, scrambles among the corpses for a weapon.
Mike retrieves the chain from around Eladio's neck just as Gus collapses into a chair. Guess he absorbed more of the poison than he was able to puke up and/or than those pills were able to counteract. (Naturally, he'd spent the past several years building up a resistance to iocaine powder.) Jesse (and Mike kinda too) panic at the sight of Gus faltering. They hear noises from inside the house, so Gus musters as much wherewithal as he can to yell: "Don Eladio is dead! His capos are dead! You have no one left to fight for! Fill your pockets and leave in peace! Or fight me and die!" BAD ASS!
Mike hopes to hell that works. He and Jesse walk Gus out to the cars as whores and servants scramble out with as many valuables as they can carry. Stray cash flutters around in the dust. Jesse finds them a car that's open, just as one intrepid Eladio loyalist takes a shot at Los Pollos Hermanos Nuevos as they load Gus inside. The bullet breaks the driver's side window and appears to either strike Mike in the torso or blast a whole lotta broken glass up in there. Jesse fires back -- with a nice visual callback to the videogame he played earlier in the season -- and kills the guy. He runs to Mike, who is apparently okay? Enough to tell Jesse to drive them all out of here. Jesse's "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay is going to be REALLY entertaining!