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After narrowly (and unknowingly) avoiding death by Cousins, Walt cleans the pizza off the roof (that's good) and the proceeds to squat in his own home, above Skyler's protests. He forces her hand, and when she backs down from telling the cops (and consequently Flynn) that Walt's a drug dealer, she has no choice but to let him stay. She does, however, exact some petty vengeance, in ways small (she's smoking again) and not so small (she fucked Ted Beneke).
Meanwhile, Saul leans on Jesse to convince Walt to start cooking again. But Jesse's not really up to doing anything but re-dialing Jane's voice-mail just to hear her voice. And when that gets disconnected, he drives the RV out into the desert and starts cooking by himself.
Gus meets with the cartel folk -- including Tio and the Cousins, who are actually Tuco's cousins. They want Gus to step aside and let them take care of Walt, but Gus holds his prissy ground and insists that he be allowed to finish his business with Walt first.
And finally, Hank is still PTSD-ing like a mofo, which this week includes heading into seedy bars and picking fights with local roughnecks.
All that AND a Danny Trejo flashback in which we see how Tortuga ended up with his head atop a Tortuga? Excellent.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously on Breaking Bad, the Cousins found Tio and Ouija'd out of him the name of Walter White. Only when they went to kill him, they were called off at the last moment by the surprise intercession of Gus. Also, Jesse swindled his old house back from his parents, and Walt discus-tossed a pizza onto the roof of the house he's been kicked out of. Oh, also, last season, D.E.A. snitch Tortuga got beheaded, his head placed atop a desert tortoise, and said tortoise rigged to explode right before Hank's eyes.
We begin this week's episode in the past. We know this pretty much immediately, due to seeing Tortuga's head still attached to his body. He's enjoying a drink and a smoke at one of Mexico's most murderously lit drinking establishments. Our pal is throwing his weight around, pontificating about how to get ahead and generally feeling high on just how wired he's got it. Daylight peeks in from the door behind him, as an unassuming man in white linen tells the barflies to listen to this mouthy son of a gun. Danny Trejo's an amazing actor, and he proves it by how subtly but definitively Tortuga's expression changes as he greets this man he calls "Jefe." As with the Cousins, I'm going to take the shortcut and tell you that, according to the podcast, Vince Gilligan has named this guy Juan Bolsa. Which, yes, is the Spanish version of "Johnny Sack." Which is pretty funny.
Anyway, so what follows is a mundane/insanely tense conversation between Bolsa and Tortuga. Knowing what we know, everything Bolsa says is imbued with a silent "I know what you did, and I'm about to have your head for it." The magic of the scene is in trying to decipher how often Tortuga is catching on to this too. Every time Bolsa compliments Tortuga's way with words ... does he know? The life of a snitch. Bolsa ultimately invites Tortuga into the back room to accept a belated birthday present, which: oldest trick in the book, man! But what choice does Tortuga have? Refuse and blow his cover anyway? So back he goes, and we see the "present" Bolsa got for him is a tortoise. His namesake. Tortuga, the poor sap, seems genuinely happy for the gift. Until Bolsa offers to sign it for him. The inscription is one we've seen before: "HELLO D.E.A." Tortuga reads it and immediately panics. But it's too late. From behind him, the Cousins advance, force him down across the nearest flat surface, produce a machete, and while Tortuga's screams echo through the bar, begin the steady and forceful hacking off of his head.
Credits. Elements. Meth.
Back in the ol' present tense, Walt is cleaning the pizza off his roof, while Mike the Cleaner, still in his car down the street, updates Gus on just how oblivious Walt is to almost having been Tortuga'd himself. Interestingly, Mike confirms that "Saul Goodman does need to know," so whatever narcotic executive loop we've got here, Saul's not necessarily a part of it.
Meanwhile, Skyler drives home from work as a children's-music CD plays endlessly. She's singing along, but in that "kill me now" cadence of a parent who may never again know a moment where "Old MacDonald" isn't running a Mobius strip inside their head. Her mood changes from one of despair to overt anger when she spots Walt's car in the driveway. She pulls in and calls Walt ... who peeks out at her from behind the drapes as he answers. They proceed to have the same conversation they've had three times now, only this time it's while they glare at each other from less than 100 feet away. She tells him she thought they came to an understanding (i.e. stay away or I'm ratting you out). Walt basically tells her it's his house, and if she wants to talk about it, they can do it inside. Inside, it's clear that Walt's conversation with Saul last week about all that Skyler stands to lose by turning Walt in has made an impact. He's decided to call her bluff. Skyler, desperately clinging to the notion that Walt has no say in the matter, picks up the phone to call the police. He lets her. She dials the number and lets it ring. He encourages her. The dispatcher answers, and with Walt giving no ground, Skyler -- shaking -- says she would like to report a domestic ... issue. It's like counting to three in front of an insolent child. "Two and a half! Two and three-fifths!" No matter how small the fractions get, Walt is confident that he's got her. Which, honestly, must make the guy feel pretty satisfied, right? His massively illegal and destructive meth business has gotten him wedged into a position where his wife can't even divorce him for being a liar and a criminal because it will so thoroughly rip every corner of her family apart. High-five, Walt. He tries to paint it nobly, saying this family is everything to him, and that's why he's willing to let her go this far. Turn him in, even. Ten to one says Walt even believes this is the reason.
Skyler actually does tells the cops to come over to remove Walter. Not that anyone believes she's going to tell them the part about the meth. Walt passive-aggressively clicks his pen and starts grading papers, while Skyler sits down and tries to not freak out. Then Flynn comes home. He sees his dad, jumps to the conclusions he wants to jump to, and Walter is only too happy to fire them up a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches as they laugh and bond and ignore Skyler entirely. The man is squatting and using his own son as leverage, which is as gross morally as it is euphemistically.
The cops show, which gets Flynn pissed off at Skyler anew. You can see the look of anticipation on Skyler's face as she waits for her son to start giving her hell. Sorry, call me a Skyler apologist, but I find this all pretty heartbreaking. There is absolutely nothing she can do that won't tear that kid up. Once they confirm that there's no divorce and Walt has joint title on the house, the cops know they're walking a tightrope. They clearly want to be able to help Skyler, looking for all the world like a battered woman. But they need her to say that he's been abusive, or else they can't remove him by force. To her credit, Skyler says he hasn't. Baby Holly cries, and Walt springs to pick her up, playing the doting father to the hilt. He sheepishly feeds the second cop a story about how "Gee, I haven't been the most attentive guy, and I guess that's why Wifey over there is flying off the handle like this."
Skyler's cop levels with her: "If you want your husband out of the house, you're gonna have to help me out. Is it possible maybe he's broken any laws that you know of?" He says even merely the suspicion of wrongdoing, and he can have Walt taken out of the house. She's got her opening, a mile wide. But Skyler looks over at Flynn, eagerly throwing her under the bus to the other cop. "My dad," he says, beaming with the pride of the hopelessly uninformed, "he is a great guy!" Skyler turns back to the cop, who says there's just no legal basis to remove Walt. He hands her his card and the honest hope that she can come up with a reason that lets him help her. After the cop leaves, Flynn yells at his mother, again, "Why you gotta DO this to Dad?" I'd normally have such little patience for a kid who yells at his mom this much, but he's as much of a victim here as anyone. Skyler takes the baby from Walt, fixes him with the glare to end all glares, and "welcomes" him home.
Jesse's sitting on the floor of his depressingly unfurnished, ill-gotten home, listening to something on the phone. Whatever it is, it elicits the lone smile we've gotten from him all season. You guys, I miss Jesse so much. It feels like we've lost him, doesn't it? He's interrupted by a knock at the door, and the smile goes away. Back to the shell that walks. It's Saul at the door, who has adopted a tone of upbeat wheedling for any and all interactions with Jesse. He hands him a tiny potted cactus as a housewarming present, lightly chides him for not answering his phone (what if he was calling to warn of a DEA raid, for example?), and confirms that Jesse's staying clean. Because he's concerned! You guys, stop snickering. Anyway,
Saul's real reason for stopping by is that he'd like Jesse to convince Walt to start cooking again. Saul notes Jesse's lack of furnishings, calling him "house poor," and says they could both stand to benefit from Walt kicking the business started again. Jesse agrees, via an imperceptible head nod. Saul doesn't know what that means Jesse's going to do, so Jesse's like, "Yes! I'll talk to him! Now bounce!" Aw, bounce. That's the blaccenting Jesse I love. He hustles Saul out the door, pushing it shut from the inside like he's got to barricade it to keep the world out. Then it's back to his phone. He dials a number, and this time we hear the other end of the call. It's the familiar sound of Jane's outgoing message: "Hey, if you're trying to sell me something, I've got four little words for you: Do Not Call List. However, if you're cool, leave it at the beep." Jesse slides the phone down from his ear. He's gotten his fix.
Hank's in his car, waiting for Gomez to return with the coffee. He gets a call that, from Hank's effusive "thank you"s, is very good news. Gomez, having returned, asks what's up. Hank says strings were pulled, and El Paso wants him back. Because he's Hank, he makes with the gregarious/obnoxious crowing, as Gomez congratulates him. But as Hank turns back to start the car, we see the look on his face. The look that remembers that the last time he was in El Paso ended with an exploding tortoise killing his colleagues.
In front of a Bingo parlor -- we can tell because the wall is painted with a giant "BINGO" -- a red-haired old lady motors down the rampway to the parking lot in her little motorized old-lady kart. She zooms up to her handi-capable van, which whirrs down a rampway for her convenience. When she's rolled up into the van, though, she's met by the immovable face of one of the Cousins standing on the other side of the van. Cousin #2 steps up behind her. Oh shit, are they gonna explode this lady and walk away from her in slow motion too? Vieja Roja turns to see him and actually smiles. "Hello!" she says, cheerfully.
In an utterly brilliant cut, we zip right to the inside of a chicken warehouse, where hundreds of birds chatter urgently in a cacophony of imminent slaughter. Pretty much what the whole world looks like to the Cousins, I'd wager. Outside, our silent friends roll up in their purloined van, along with Juanny Sack and -- reason for stealing the vamped vehicle becoming clear -- Tio. Man, I just hope they didn't kill that sweet old lady and instead maybe just set her rolling down a moderately sloped road. (...Well, it seems unrealistic to hope they didn't do anything bad to her!) to the chattering warehouses is a kind of temporary business trailer. Inside, Gus is pulling back the plastic wrap on a veggie platter. Is that dill dip there in the middle? Gus, you impeccable host.
Gus welcomes his guests (the Cousins, after all that work stealing a wheelchair-accessible van, have to carry Tio up the steps to the trailer), and then begins a conversation spoken in entirely subtitle-friendly Spanish. Clearly, this meeting is a result of Gus calling the Cousins off the Heisenberg hit. Juanny Sack gives Gus the lowdown, which starts, as I suspected it would, with Tuco. See, Tio -- who is actually "Don Salamanco," but Tio is waaaaaay easier to type, so Tio he stays -- was Tuco's mentor, in addition to being his uncle. And the Cousins are Tuco's cousins (and thus either Tio's other nephews, or maybe Tio's sons, though I'd guess nephews or else why wouldn't he have handed his business to them? I'm overthinking...). Juan tells Gus how Tuco died, and that the Salamancas, and the cartel, have agreed upon vengeance. Gus is like, "My respectful apologies, but can a Pollo Loco do business in his own territory?" Basically, he calmly but firmly stands his ground: they can do what they want to Walter, just as soon as he's done doing business with him. Tio registers his objection by angrily ringing his bell a few dozen times. Juanny Sack excuses himself and asks Gus outside. There, he tells Gus to finish his business with Walt quickly, "or risk losing the good graces of the cartel." Which would not be wise. Hell, I'M worried about losing the good graces of the cartel just by writing these recaps. Also, he can't guarantee the Cousins will abide by everything they say here. "Those two, they're not like you and I."
Back at Jesse's house, he keeps calling Jane's number, getting brief little hits of her voice.
At the Whites', Walt struggles to sleep on an air mattress to Holly's crib. Also, don't worry, we get the obligatory shot of Walt's tighty-whities. The world can keep spinning. Of course, Skyler will take a victory wherever she can get it, so Holly's not sleeping in her crib; she's in a bassinette in Skyler's room. Across the room, in front of an open window, Skyler's smoking. As we saw last year, that cigarette is Skyler's method of choice to rebel against Walt's secrets and lies. Holly starts crying, so Skyler stubs out her smoke and tries to quiet her down. After a moment, Walt's on the other side of the door, asking if she needs help. Getting no answer, he tries another tack: he needs to use the bathroom. Nothing. He rolls his eyes, then smells the smoke. Now he's pissed. He passes right by the shared bathroom door on his way to the kitchen, where he proceeds to pee in the sink. Well now everybody's just reveling in their petty rebellions, huh?
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The day, Skyler's meeting with her lawyer. She's explaining the whole incident with Walt squatting at her house and how he's living there against her will now. She alludes to how she "almost told" the cops ... something. Lady Lawyer presses -- "I can't advise your properly if you don't give me all the facts." Guessing correctly, she also reminds Skyler about the attorney-client privilege that keeps her from revealing incriminating information. This finally nudges Skyler out with it: "My husband makes meth," she says. She makes sure to draw the distinction that Walter "cooks" meth, he doesn't deal it. Which is either willfully naïve or clear-headedly accurate. Lady Lawyer doesn't need to hear much else. In the strongest possible terms, she advises Skyler to file for divorce TODAY. Then let HER go to the police with what Sky just said; they'll get a restraining order, and Walt won't have to be around her or the kids anymore. Ultimately, Skyler can't do it. Not to her children. Especially not when -- and this is the first time this has come up this season -- his cancer is always a threat to return and allow things to "resolve on their own, without anyone else knowing."
Hank and Gomez are drinking in the shitkicker hole in the wall to end all shitkicker holes in the wall. Gomez is exceedingly uncomfortable. Hank's gotten sullen, and Gomez's complaints just make him grumpier. After some small talk about El Paso (which clearly doesn't put Hank any more at ease), Hanks spies some drunken lowlives who appear to be maybe possibly if you squint engaging in a drug deal. He glowers at them on the way to the (gross) bathroom, whereupon Hank has a bit of a panic attack. You can tell because the music becomes a wall of feedback sounds, while the camera zooms in on his face. BREAKDOWN! WOO! Back at his barstool, Hank can't keep his unhinged, accusatory stare at the two guys. He tells Gomez he thinks they're holding. Gomez is like, "Who ISN'T holding?" But Hank is undeterred. Gomes wants to call for backup or to confirm they're not just messing up a random sting. Now Hank wants to forget it, and heads off to the bathroom again.
In the parking lot, Hank waits for Gomez to return from paying the bill, and he seethes. Just seethes. Finally, he grabs for his gun, before thinking better of it and leaving it on the seat. He marches back to the bowling alley, crossing paths with Gomez along the way. While ZZ Top blares on the juke, Hank strides up to these two burly-as-fuck dudes. "Stand up," he orders, almost inaudibly. They then all make the internationally-recognized hand signals and facial tics that inevitably mean "Let's Fight!" And fight they do. Hank's rage holds its own, smashing one guy's face down on the edge of the bar, while another gets smashed into a mirror. Once Hank has punched them both unconscious, that's when the rest of the barfolk advance on him. "DEA!" Hank squeals, like he's making a legitimate arrest. The mob backs up. He tells someone to go fetch his partner, while about a dozen folks look at him like he's completely locopants. Which he is.
Back to Jesse, who's lying in a sleeping bag on the bare floor. He calls Jane a couple more times. On the third try, he's informed that the number he's trying to reach is no longer available. Cut to a long shot of the RV out in the desert, the morning. Jesse's taken it out to go cook, by himself. Back where we started.
Skyler sits on her bed, working up the energy to head out into the rest of the house and face Walt. When she does, she sees an open duffel bag on the floor, and Walter's half of the million-dollar payout inside. Well, the part that wasn't burned or drowned by Walt two episodes ago. "I've done a terrible thing, but I did it for a good reason. I did it for us," Walt begins. He points to the money and says it's for college tuition, for health insurance when he's gone, for SAT tutors and birthdays and mortgage payments. "This money, I didn't steal it. It doesn't belong to anyone else. I earned it. The things I've done to earn it. The ... things that I've had to do. I've got to live with them. Skyler, all that I've done. All the sacrifices that I've made for this family. All of it would be for nothing if you don't accept what I've earned." Okay, first of all, throw that up on the ol' Emmy reel for Bryan Cranston. That was a hell of a monologue. Second of all, Skyler's face registers at least some recognition of what Walt's saying. He tells her not to say anything now, but to give him her answer after work.
Intercut with that scene is this one of Gomez and Hank, awkwardly regarding each other in the bathroom at work. Gomez tells Hank what he told their supervisors (or Internal Affairs, or whoever they answer to when a cop roughs up some locals): that they watched a deal go down, Gomez went out to the car to call for backup, and that's when "they attacked you." Hank wordlessly nods at this fabrication. "What I didn't tell them," Gomez says, clearly pissed at Hank for putting him in this position, "was that you left your gun on the seat before you went back in." In other words, Hank went back in there looking for a fistfight. Hank, who has no defense, at least not one that includes the phrase "pants-shittingly scared of going back to El Paso," just grunts and nods and walks out.
At Beneke, Skyler runs off photocopies in a daze. Why the copy machine seems to be in the kitchen is one of many enduring mysteries about the way Beneke does business, but it means that when Ted walks in to get some coffee, he and Skyler are alone together. Skyler walks up behind him, a look of grim determination on her face, and places a hand on his shoulder. She turns him around, and without saying anything, pulls him into a kiss. Because I don't think a whole lot of Ted, I don't feel too bad for him that he's being used this way. But used he is. Think of Ted as Skyler's equivalent of Tio's bell. She's mad as hell at Walt, and she's gonna ring the fuck of out of it until at least some of that anger subsides. Anyway, they manage to break their embrace before the other employees show up. When they get another moment alone, Skyler asks him if his kids are home. DING! DING! DING!
That night, Skyler returns home with a look on her face that might be regret. But by the time she walks in to see that Walt has been playing the happy homemaker while she's been out, that regret hardens into a mercenary anger. She sets Holly down by Flynn and his pal -- that's the one thing that skeezes me out, that Skyler brought Holly along to Ted's -- and goes into the kitchen to talk to Walt. He goes on for a bit about Flynn's pal Lewis, but Skyler's stone face says this isn't small-talk time. "I feel good about our talk this morning," he says. And by "our talk" he means "my monologue." He's eager to hear what Skyler has to say about it. You know, whenever she's ready. "Honesty is good," Walt says, as he mixed the salad. "Don't you think?" And if Walt's going to be that passive-aggressive about it, I don't feel a bit sorry for him when Skyler saunters up to him, pulls her face right close to his, and blows him out of the water: "I F*cked Ted," she hisses, dealing us our episode title and dealing the White marriage what she hopes is its death blow. DING! DING! DING! And then she takes the salad out to the dinner table. Now it's her turn to play the happy parent who's done something awful.
Joe R did not fuck Ted. He can be reached for lavish praise and nothing but at 1 2 3 4