|
||||
The show starts with a disclaimer: "The following program contains some coarse language. Viewer discretion is advised." All right! This is going to be my kind of fucking show!
I'm not sure if these are the credits (and thus we'll be seeing them every week) or just an introduction for the first episode. I guess I'll find out week. Anyway, there's a montage of recruits running and climbing ropes and shit while an announcer voice-overs that Boot Camp is a "competitive game of elimination" (and I'm sure there's a poop joke in there somewhere) where "sixteen ordinary people" will undergo "grueling physical training" and "learn mental discipline." This training will come from "four actual Marine drill instructors," and in case you were wondering -- "they are not actors." Each week the squads elect a leader, and if they complete that week's mission successfully, the leader earns "amnesty." Each week, the squad members vote out one recruit; the person voted out then chooses another recruit to take along, which the announcer calls "the ultimate payback." That's an interesting twist, no? The final two recruits will compete in "The Gauntlet -- forty-eight straight hours of physical and mental tests, culminating in a final vote on Dismissal Hill." So they go through all these tests, and then they're eliminated by a vote? That seems pretty dumb. Shouldn't one of them "win" the test and thus win the grand prize -- $500,000? The Boot Camp logo comes up as the announcer intones, "Who will endure?" The recapper? Hopefully.
Oh, so now we get the credits. I guess that first part was just an introduction. We hear male voices singing out a cadence as we get shots of each recruit. Don't get too attached to these people, because two of them will be gone by the end of the episode. I was going to list out all the people as they are shown, but all we get in these credits is a name and a brief glimpse, so it doesn't seem worth it. As a picture of each recruit flashes on the screen, there's kind of a techno version of the cadence playing in the background, if you can imagine that. I think it's called "Left Right Left (the DJ Skribble Mix)."
And right into the action. It's Day 1, 6:30 AM, and a bus pulls up to the camp. Various recruits are snoozing in their bus seats. The drill instructors stand in formation, waiting for the recruits to arrive. As the bus pulls in, one of the instructors (we haven't been properly introduced yet) breaks formation and walks onto the bus, yelling, "Sit up straight. Get your eyeballs on me!" Basically, any time a drill instructor talks, just assume that he or she is yelling. They generally are. Recruit Katherine, who is wearing gigantic hoop earrings, blinks at him. He tells them that their training begins now. Another instructor enters the bus, and introduces himself as "Drill Instructor Rosenbum." Thank you! I'm going to start abbreviating Drill Instructor as DI, just so you know. He starts talking, and then interrupts himself to yell at a recruit, "Stop moving! Stop moving!" I don't know which recruit already got in trouble. DI Rosenbum informs the group that they will exit the vehicle on his command. After ascertaining that they do, in fact, understand him, he orders them off the bus.
As each person exits the bus, the other instructors start yelling all at the same time, which I imagine would be very confusing. The first guy off glances around, and then one of the instructors tells him to "get up there, weirdo!" so he takes off running. Recruit Katherine (she of the oversized hoop earrings) is wearing a leather coat and a mini-skirt. To boot camp. Yeah, she's not going to last long. A drill instructor gets right in one guy's face (and I know from the previews that he's the balloon sculptor) and says, "You wanna friggin' laugh? You wanna friggin' laugh?"
A DI informs a young woman with brown hair that from now on, she is "Recruit Coddington." Nearby, two DIs are getting right up in one guy's face, asking him if he wants to laugh. The guy is, well, kind of laughing. We're introduced to another woman with brown hair -- Recruit Hutak. Everyone is now off the bus and standing at attention.
Title: The Game Begins. Processing. I hope they won't be using meat grinders. The recruits enter a small building to learn how to address their DIs. DI Rosenbum addresses a woman, Recruit Whitlow, who has brown hair (and couldn't they cast a redhead or two?). DI Rosenbum wants to know what she does for a living. She works at "Campbell's Soup." He asks her the "theme" of her company, and she replies, "Mmm mmm, good, sir!" He asks her calmly to say it louder, and she does. Then he screams right in her face, "LOOOUUUDDDEEERRR!" I like DI Rosenbum.
And speaking of louder, it's time to meet Recruit Lauder, a middle-aged guy. DI Rosenbum finds out that Recruit Lauder is fifty, and I half-expect Lauder to pull a Molly Shannon and yell out, "Iiii'm fifty! Fifty years old!" Heh. DI Rosenbum asks how it is that Lauder hasn't challenged himself yet, at fifty years of age.
The guy who was laughing at the DIs before is still laughing. Take him down, Rosenbum. Laughing Boy is Recruit Meyer. He's trying to stifle a laugh while DI Rosenbum tells him "there's always one." Yeah, I hate Meyer already. Here's why. I know that the premise of this show is ridiculous. It's not really boot camp. But if you sign up for the show, in my mind, you agree to act as if the premise is real. I know it's just a game. The recruits and the drill instructors know it's all a game. But don't act like you're too cool for school. You got on the show -- so participate. If you don't want to, you should have stayed home. Freaking Meyer.
The recruits are led into another room, carrying their suitcases. The first recruit starts taking things out of his open suitcase, but DI McSweeney yells at him to "dump iiitttt!" and upends the suitcase. DI McSweeney holds up a framed picture, and says, "Say goodbye to these. As a matter of fact, kiss your wife right now. Kiss her." The recruit kisses the photo. His name is Recruit Moretti. DI McSweeney yells out, "Bye! Bye, hon!" and then turns the picture towards himself screaming, "Hi! Hi, I'm his new pal!" DI McSweeney is a fucking riot. I probably wouldn't think that as a recruit, but as a viewer, he cracks me up. In an interview, DI McSweeney says that you want to "strip everything" from a recruit, including their "mental attitude" that boot camp will be fun.
DI Taylor, the only female DI, is going through a female recruit's suitcase, and says, "So you're just a housewife, huh?" The recruit, Moretty (and wouldn't you know they'd find two people with the same last name, save one letter?), responds, "No, I'm a military wife, ma'am." DI Taylor screams, "So that makes a difference?" DI Taylor hops up on the table so that she can get right in Moretty's face, and screams, "What's the difference between a military spouse and a regular spouse?" Recruit Moretty tries to say that she moves around a lot, but DI Taylor points her finger in her face and says, "Shut your skull."
In an interview, DI Rosenbum says that while they do yell at the recruits, they "probably take care of them much more." While we see more yelling, DI Rosenbum voice-overs that the whole point of processing is to break the recruits down physically and mentally, and then "build them all up as a team." Y'all, I think I have a little crush on DI Rosenbum.
The flabby guy who was first off the bus is Recruit Thomson. DI Taylor is processing him. She finds something in one of his sneakers and calls DI McSweeney over to check it out. It's a stuffed lemon. Oh, no. DI Taylor asks what it's for, and DI McSweeney suggests that it's a "model of [Thomson's] head." Hee! The two DIs get right up in Recruit Thomson's face and ask him what "Mr. Lemon" is for, and what it means to Thomson, who replies, "Mr. Lemon is a stuffed lemon." The DIs are all, "Okay. We get that." Recruit Thomson adds, "Mr. Lemon is just around to make for a nice atmosphere." Ha! I bet Mr. Lemon doesn't exactly smell lemony fresh anymore, after being stuffed in his sneaker.
up is a scene we all saw in the previews, but it's even better here. Recruit Yaney reveals that he is a balloon sculptor. That's a career? Like, full-time and shit? DI McSweeney asks if he brought any balloons and commands him to get some. Recruit Yaney makes a dog out of a balloon, but the tail is way too long. DI McSweeney asks "what kind of friggin' dog" it is. Yaney says it's a poodle. DI McSweeney grabs it and asks, "What happened to it's friggin' tail?" DI McSweeney proceeds to show Yaney what he thinks of the poodle by putting it into his mouth, biting it, and popping it. Then he screams at Yaney to get out of his face. I don't know how DI Taylor, who was standing nearby, kept a straight face.
DI Francisco talks to a young woman with curly hair -- Recruit Brown. He asks her why she's here, and she says that she wanted to see if she could do it. He asks how things are going, and she replies, "Fine, sir!" He asks if her it's just fine, and she replies, "Just great, sir!" He asks her if she's a little nervous, and she replies, "Sometimes, sir." DI Rosenbum sneaks over and yells in her ear (with not a small amount of spittle), "I thought you were having fun." To her credit, she doesn't visibly react, even though I don't think she heard him coming.
Title: Bathroom Break. Head Call. They're going to show this? It's 10:30 AM and I guess that means that "Katherine breaks down," or so it says on the screen. DI Francisco calls upon Recruit Moretty (the chick) to go into "the head" and "download me some information on Recruit Katherine" to see if she's ever coming out. Recruit Moretty takes off.
Meanwhile, Recruit Wolf is being berated by DI Rosenbum, who says that Wolf doesn't know what he got himself into, and he's not ready. Moretty returns from the head to inform DI Francisco that Recruit Katherine doesn't want to come out, or participate any more. Can I point out that they've been there for four hours? I'm not saying it wasn't difficult, but did she think it was a spa? DI Taylor heads into the head, yelling at Recruit Katherine to "get up and get out." I figured a boot camp would have really clean bathrooms, because they make the recruits clean the floors with their toothbrushes all the time. I think I saw that on Laverne & Shirley. But this bathroom is disgusting. It looks like every terrible highway rest stop bathroom you've ever seen. Recruit Katherine is sitting on the disgusting floor, with her head on a urinal trough. Ew! DI Taylor orders Recruit Katherine to "give me your hand." DI Taylor tells Recruit Katherine, "I can't touch you, but you can touch me." Recruit Katherine finally takes her hand and stands up. They walk out, but Recruit Katherine refuses to give her a, "Yes, ma'am." DI Taylor voice-overs (although I think we were meant to think that she said it at the time), "I know sick, and you're not sick. But I'll play your game, because apparently you don't want to play this one." Yeah, I'm not buying the sick excuse either.
Title: The Hair Cut. 11:50 AM. Two DIs scream at Recruit Wolf about his current haircut, or lack thereof. DI Rosenbum finds out that Recruit Wolf is in this for the money, or at least mostly for the money. The men get their heads shaved. The women just get a bunch of hair lopped off.
Title: Uniforms and Photos. Recruit Katherine gives a big smile, and she must be a good actress, since she was crying into a urinal about an hour ago. The DI taking the picture says, "Nobody said smile!" and the smile disappears instantly. The pictures are taken, and now that the men have their heads shaved, I'm going to have an even harder time telling them apart. The DI yells at one recruit that he broke the camera. Heh.