Here's an interesting fact about Big Brother -- and pay attention, because those are rare: this is the seventh season I've covered, and it's only the second that ran more than 30 episodes, the other being BB9, the "winter edition," which existed as a stopgap for the writers' strike and still lasted a mere 33. Wait, did I say this was going to be an interesting fact? I guess those are even rarer than I thought.
From the studio, Julie calls this the "most controversial season of Big Brother ever" and an "epic, 90-day social experiment." That almost makes it sound almost interesting, too. After the super-sized previouslies and finale-style credits, we're back in the studio with Julie, who breaks the bad news that either GinaMarie, Spencer or Andy is about to be the winner. However, only two of the three will face the jury, after the third joins it. We rejoin the final three in the midst of the roller disco-themed first stage of the three-part HoH competition, whose very beginning we got to see on Sunday night. All three of them Diary Room about how much they need to win this as we watch them getting dragged in circles around the skating floor, between rows of miniature traffic cones, which must be bolted down, otherwise I don't see what's to keep them from kicking the things out of the way. Shortly after the overhead ropes start picking up speed, Spencer loses all control and flops hard onto the floor, quickly knocking him out of this round. That leaves GinaMarie and Spencer out on the floor, which in addition to everything else is soon covered with fake smoke and real soap suds. What's stopping them from just picking up their feet and hanging? Aside from the crippling weight of their skates and the fact that they're both little tiny people, I mean? Andy's flailing, and GinaMarie seems to know this is hers to lose. That is, until Andy recovers and GinaMarie starts struggling. But she outlasts him, which means she gets to automatically advance to part three of the HoH competition, while Andy and Spencer will have to compete against each other in part two to see which of them gets to try to beat GinaMarie. As for GinaMarie herself, she celebrates in the victory glitter bomb, at least until she chokes on some of it.
Post-ads, Julie introduces part two of the HoH competition, in which Andy and Spencer will have to compete in a fake undersea setting. For such an elaborate decoration job, the challenge itself is pretty simple: they just have to jump off a "boat" (actually a wall with a boat painted on it), dig through the sand for crab cutouts with pictures of evicted houseguests on them and then climb back up the wall to hang the crab's up in the correct order as quickly as they can. They'll need to do it one at a time because there's only one setup in place and then their times will be compared at the end to determine the winner. Andy goes first and is soon frustrated by the dud crabs he keeps finding, as well as the climbing harness and the, y'know, climbing. He has a little extra trouble finding the last crab with Candice's face on the back, but finally does so and closes the treasure chest that serves as this challenge's buzzer. Unfortunately for him, he's got some of the faces out of order. He scrambles back up to correct his mistake and swap Helen and Aaryn back into the right order, which is a time-consuming mistake he couldn't afford to make. Or could he?
Voting begins. Candice is the first to be called up to the podium, and says she's "proud to cast this vote for someone whom I love and respect." So that's one for Andy. Jessie says she's voting for the person who played the most consistent game, which probably means another one. Helen politics that she loves them both, but is voting on the game she wishes she could have played. Aaryn says, "This person's always been there for me, and I have to be there for that person." So there's one for GinaMarie. Amanda says she's voting for the best person and the best player, which she's already made clear is Andy in her opinion. Elissa votes for the "flawless social game" and the person who made deals with everyone in the house, so way to telegraph that you're voting for Andy. Judd just says, "Let the best Exterminator win," which is much less of a giveaway. So is McCrae's remark that he hopes the winner will be buying drinks tonight. Spencer votes for the best player and says it was an honor to be able to play with him. Or her.
After the ads, the five houseguests who were evicted before making it to jury -- David, Nick, Howard, Kaitlin, and Jeremy -- are sitting across the stage from the jurors. Before asking them about what they've thought while watching the season at home (those who did so, that is), Julie turns to Amanda, who she knows has been itching to know who the MVP was. Amanda has long since guessed that it was America, which is right, so that's no fun. Actually, Julie says it was Elissa the first three weeks and then America, who nominated her both times. "Thank you, America," Amanda snarks. She says she didn't think she was as unpopular with the viewers as she was, until she came out after her eviction and heard all the boos. So now Julie asks for Howard's reaction to what he saw, and he says something about how seriously people took all the racial and personal crap, much of which he wasn't aware of until he was out of the house. As always, he sticks to the high road, saying he hopes that the people who said those kinds of things will learn and grow from the experience. Julie informs the jurors that some of those comments "made national headlines," and singles out Spencer for his reaction. Spencer says it's terrible and he hates it if anything like that went on, because of the bad publicity for the show. In the ensuing, deafening silence, he asks, "Did I say anything, Julie?" She just tells him they don't have time, rather than reminding him of his comments regarding child pornography and his elaborately rendered fantasies of violence against female houseguests. Jeremy remarks on how Helen played the mom card and her crying strategy, like anyone cares what Jeremy thinks any more. Helen admits to having made herself cry once or twice, but never with Jeremy. So that was about it for that.
We cut right to Spencer's attempt and his strategy differs from Andy's in that he collects all the crabs first and then starts climbing. That's a smarter plan, but the problem with it is that Spencer can. Not. Climb. At. All. But then, after pausing to think about the folks back home, he finds the strength and somehow the technique to get up that wall and finish. And unlike Andy, he gets it right the first time. But is that enough to make up for the fact that he climbs approximately as quickly as ivy?
Afterwards, all three remaining houseguests are outside for the reveal of their times. GinaMarie reveals Andy's time, which is 21 minutes and 54 seconds. And Spencer's time turns out to be 36:11, so it's not even close. It's going to be Andy vs. GinaMarie in part three, and Spencer is going to be at the mercy of one of them. All he can do is hope that they'll realize he'd be easier to beat in a jury vote than each other.
In the kitchen, though, Andy assures GinaMarie that if he wins part three, he plans to take GinaMarie to the final two. Whether that's true or not, he DRs that he's trying to get GinaMarie to take him in case she wins. He tells GinaMarie that the jury is more likely to vote for Spencer over her than Andy over her, given all the backstabbing Andy did. In the DR, GinaMarie is already torn about a decision she doesn't even have to make yet, saying that she'd probably go with Andy, but doesn't think she could beat him. She thinks Andy deserves it more than Spencer does, but is also thinking about the difference for herself between the $50,000 second prize and the $500,000 grand prize. In the abstract, I mean. I don't think she knows what the literal difference is.
Julie introduces a segment that starts with the seven jurors before McCrae showed up just sitting around on the patio until Dr. Will trots up, grinning and glad-handing like a game show host. He sits down and reminds them that he's not only a former winner, but a former juror and invites them to guess who their eighth member is going to be. There's some wishful thinking around the panel, but the only wish that comes true is Elissa's, when McCrae shows up. He hugs Amanda and sits down to her (scootch over, Judd and Aaryn), updating everyone on how Andy won HoH and PoV, and then confessed to him about the Exterminators and the votes to evict Amanda. He apologizes to Elissa, saying, "Little did I know." "Sucks, doesn't it?" Jessie chirps helpfully. Will asks everyone if hanging out in the jury house together has fixed their relationships. There are no "relationships" among these people, Dr. Will, and are you even a real doctor?
Amanda passive-aggressively says she's not mad at anyone, including Elissa for being passive-aggressive. Candice talks about how the end of the game doesn't make you forget the things people said. Amanda accuses Candice of not liking her for wanting to evict Howard for game reasons, which Candice denies. "I don't like you and that's it." Well, at least Amanda can't accuse her of being passive-aggressive. She claims to have become great friends with Aaryn, and Will asks if Aaryn helps her make her bed now. So clearly he only asked if the relationships were fixed because he wanted to break them again. Will moves on, and asks if GinaMarie made the biggest move of the summer. The general consensus is that she did, by evicting Amanda. But of course Amanda disagrees, saying that GinaMarie didn't even play the game until she joined the Exterminators. Well, as we've seen, there was a lot of early peaking by other players this season. Clearly the most effective strategy was to hang back, wait for the big guns to take each other out and then scamper in to loot the battlefield. Aaryn says she wants to vote for GinaMarie for the reason that she was the only one Amanda wasn't able to manipulate. Candice brings up some of the personal things GinaMarie said. Like how her parents didn't want her, maybe? As the father of an adopted child, that one still pisses me off too.
Will brings up Andy, asking them what Andy's potential game-winning move might have been. After a long silence, Judd lamely says that not being a floater any more is probably it. Elissa mentions how Andy framed her for Amanda's eviction vote, and Jessie brings up his backstabbing, which doesn't bother Aaryn and Candice. And as Candice points out, Andy never made it personal and McCrae adds that Andy is less blunt than GinaMarie. Will reminds McCrae who he's sitting to, saying Amanda's quite blunt, but of course that's why McCrae knew he would outlast her. Wow, that was pretty blunt of McCrae.
On to Spencer. Will polls to the jury to see how many lost an eviction vote against him, which turns out to be six out of the eight of them. Aaryn says that Spencer was kept around because everyone knew they could beat him, so he's got very little blood on his hands. Will says he kept his own hands clean and McCrae and Judd give Spencer credit for being such a durable pawn. Helen also points out that he survived the loss of Howard and the rest of the Moving Company. McCrae says that Spencer probably had the most uphill battle of anyone in the house. Which is true and it's also true that those people almost always come in third.
So then Will moves onto the big question, which is whether they're voting for who they like or who kicked their asses. Will advises them to vote for their own reasons and consider their jury questions carefully. Actually, he says, "I implore you," though I liked it better when I thought he was saying, "I abhor you." Because I'm down with that too.
For the final HoH round, GinaMarie and Andy are positioned on the trays of a huge balance scale, as opposed to inside the living room as per usual. But it's still the same guessing game for the final round, in which Julie will read them the beginning of a statement allegedly made by each jury member and then make them guess which of the two options was the ending of that statement. They get a point for each "right" answer, and the one who has the most points at the end wins and probably evicts Spencer. The first question is whether Candice said the most shocking moment in the house was when Aaryn flipped her mattress or when she "took someone to Candyland." They both go with A because B is stupid, and they each get a point.
Then they have to guess what Jessie considered the most irritating thing in the house: Helen bailing on their plan to evict Amanda or when she fell off the wall and failed to get back into the house? They both guess B and both get it wrong, so it's still a tie. Third question: was Helen's most uncomfortable moment watching Judd beg to stay or listening to Jeremy yell about the wine? This is the first one they're split on, and Andy is the one who gets it right, giving him a one-point lead. Then they're asked whether Aaryn would rather have a date with Judd or David, and they both guess Judd and get it right. Or else they've correctly guessed that Aaryn's on a desperate PR damage control crusade to prove she's not the shallow asshole everyone thinks she is. As for Amanda, is she afraid to have her friends and family see none of her moments in the house or all of them? She says "Every single one," which was Andy's guess, so he gains another point. The question about Elissa is whether she was more shocked by Amanda, "because being a bully is never acceptable," or Aaryn, "because everything about her is cute and adorable except her personality." The first answer certainly sounds more like Elissa, but GinaMarie guesses Aaryn -- and gets it right, narrowing Andy's lead to 4-3.
Then Julie asks which Judd regrets more -- not working with Helen or quitting the Super-Veto competition. They both guess B and both get it wrong, so the score stands at 4-3. Then the last question is about McCrae and whether he thought the best thing about being in the house was being with Amanda or free food. They both get it right by guessing B, and Andy wins it. He steps on the scale and wanders around the yard while Spencer goes over alone to wait for GinaMarie to be lowered to ground level. Because what does Andy care now?
Now that it's almost all over but the jury vote and a whole lot of yammering, the final three are seated in the living room. GinaMarie and Spencer occupy the nominee chairs, awaiting Andy's decision. He stands up and tells Spencer his word has been good all along, but he gave his word to GinaMarie on night one, so he has to evict Spencer. Spencer hugs them both and walks out empty-handed, because it's not like there's going to be anything stopping him from going back in for his stuff after tonight's show. Inside the house, Andy and GinaMarie are already mentally spending their at least-$50,000 dollars, though she remarks, "And now we gotta hear from the peanut gallery?" before we're back in the studio for Spencer's exit Chenterview. And that's why she isn't going to win.
Spencer isn't entirely surprised to have been thrown over by Andy in favor of GinaMarie, though his insights are someone detracted from when they're interrupted by audio of GinaMarie telling Andy inside the house that she has to pee. He claims to Julie that he kind of saw it coming, having read some of Andy's tells the past few days and Julie gives him props for surviving a record number of nominations. He's just glad to have been able to be part of his favorite show. We'll see if he still feels that way when he tries to go back to work on Monday.
After the ads, Julie brings out the first eight jurors one by one: Candice, Jessie, Helen, Aaryn, Amanda, Elissa, Judd and McCrae. Two observations: the women look great… and great T-shirt, pizza boy. But he's still dressed more nicely than Spencer is, when he joins them. Julie gets started with the jury questions to the final two with as little ado as possible, and the first question is from Amanda. She accuses GinaMarie of not making any big game moves before she joined the Exterminators, and asks what her biggest move was other than booting Amanda. GinaMarie utters a politician's laugh and then babbles that Amanda's eviction was her big move, claiming that she'd decided on that before joining the Exterminators. Not a good answer, that. Elissa asks Andy more or less the same question, and Andy says that aligning with Amanda and McCrae was his biggest move and he showed his loyalty by tattling to Amanda every time someone tried to get him to flip on her. Until, you know, he did it himself. He also mentions convincing Elissa to nominate Nick in week two. So his two answers are objectively better than GinaMarie's zero.
Voting begins. Candice is the first to be called up to the podium, and says she's "proud to cast this vote for someone whom I love and respect." So that's one for Andy. Jessie says she's voting for the person who played the most consistent game, which probably means another one. Helen politics that she loves them both, but is voting on the game she wishes she could have played. Aaryn says, "This person's always been there for me, and I have to be there for that person." So there's one for GinaMarie. Amanda says she's voting for the best person and the best player, which she's already made clear is Andy in her opinion. Elissa votes for the "flawless social game" and the person who made deals with everyone in the house, so way to telegraph that you're voting for Andy. Judd just says, "Let the best Exterminator win," which is much less of a giveaway. So is McCrae's remark that he hopes the winner will be buying drinks tonight. Spencer votes for the best player and says it was an honor to be able to play with him. Or her.
After the ads, the five houseguests who were evicted before making it to jury -- David, Nick, Howard, Kaitlin, and Jeremy -- are sitting across the stage from the jurors. Before asking them about what they've thought while watching the season at home (those who did so, that is), Julie turns to Amanda, who she knows has been itching to know who the MVP was. Amanda has long since guessed that it was America, which is right, so that's no fun. Actually, Julie says it was Elissa the first three weeks and then America, who nominated her both times. "Thank you, America," Amanda snarks. She says she didn't think she was as unpopular with the viewers as she was, until she came out after her eviction and heard all the boos. So now Julie asks for Howard's reaction to what he saw, and he says something about how seriously people took all the racial and personal crap, much of which he wasn't aware of until he was out of the house. As always, he sticks to the high road, saying he hopes that the people who said those kinds of things will learn and grow from the experience. Julie informs the jurors that some of those comments "made national headlines," and singles out Spencer for his reaction. Spencer says it's terrible and he hates it if anything like that went on, because of the bad publicity for the show. In the ensuing, deafening silence, he asks, "Did I say anything, Julie?" She just tells him they don't have time, rather than reminding him of his comments regarding child pornography and his elaborately rendered fantasies of violence against female houseguests. Jeremy remarks on how Helen played the mom card and her crying strategy, like anyone cares what Jeremy thinks any more. Helen admits to having made herself cry once or twice, but never with Jeremy. So that was about it for that.
Time to reveal the results of the vote, finally. Spencer voted for Andy to win, as did McCrae. Judd voted for GinaMarie. Elissa voted for Andy, as did Amanda, so he's now just one vote away from winning. Aaryn voted for GinaMarie, as expected, but Helen went with Andy… so he's the winner! Finally they get to leave that accursed house, clasping hands and sprinting out of there so fast the cameras briefly lose track of them. Out in the studio, the glitter and confetti bombs go off while everyone swarms Andy -- except Nick, of course, because he's all but tackled by GinaMarie before he can get a yard away from his chair.
After the last ad break, the ex-houseguests are still gathered onstage as Julie reveals that Jessie and Candice also voted for Andy, making it a 7-2 vote. Again, not even close. Julie remarks to Nick about how cozy he seems with GinaMarie. Maybe he's into her and maybe he's not, but if he's not, he's enough of a gentleman not to break it to her while they're both still on live national television. As for America's favorite houseguests, the top three in the vote are Elissa, Judd and Howard. And for some godforsaken reason it goes to Elissa. What this tells me is that a lot of people in this country need much better TVs. Julie signs off and of all the disappointments with this season and this finale -- which are legion -- I think the biggest one is that we didn't get to hear David say something thunderously stupid.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.
Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.