Listen, I don’t follow the live feeds, and I don’t follow anyone who does, because let’s face it, I spend enough time on these idiots as it is. Three hours of nothing happening every week is more than enough for me. I cover the broadcast and that’s it. But since it’s not likely to air — unless it results in a fight — I just felt obligated to mention that it’s become apparent to feed-watchers that many of the houseguests are, in addition to narcissistic sociopaths, also shocking bigots. So enjoy the show.
We’re given a flashback of Sunday’s nomination ceremony, in which HoH McCrae put up Jessie and Candice for not being all that popular and because it was the safe choice. Candice tells her housemates that she’s not going to go into the corner and cry about it. Because, as it turns out, that’s what the Diary Room is for, so she cries there instead. McCrae invites a very surprised Jessie for a talk, while Elissa says that she’s relieved not to be nominated for being Rachel’s sister. In fact, she DRs that she’s going to win this season. Uh, a bit early for that kind of prediction, I think. Meanwhile, Nick and Jeremy are thrilled that McCrae held up his end of the Moving Company alliance and didn’t put up any of its members (which also include Spencer and Howard). Really, that’s all Nick cares about, which at this early stage is actually kind of a healthy attitude.
When Jessie visits McCrae in the HoH room, he gives her assurances that she’s merely the pawn, and she goes out of her way to be cool about it, even though McCrae admits to us that he’s only telling her that to avoid pissing her off. It’s a little late for that with Candice, who comes in uninvited (as Jessie clears out). McCrae tries to downplay it and end the conversation as quickly as possible, especially when Candice speculates to him that he’s in a secret alliance with four of the other guys. He lies, badly, that he isn’t, and she’s not only unconvinced but determined to win the Veto. On her way out she tells him not to apologize for his game, “because when I’m up here, I’m not apologizing, period.” Assuming that ever happens.
Jeremy and Jessie lounge in the hammock outside, and Jessie speculates that Elissa has a good shot at it just for being Rachel’s sister. She’s probably right, too. “I don’t know what that bitch is thinking,” Jeremy smirks. Really, though, Jeremy, does any of us know what any bitch is thinking? Certainly none of us who use the word “bitch” so casually. The theory spreads through the house, and gives everyone more motivation to get her out of the house. Later, in the HoH room, Amanda and Elissa and Jeremy and Judd are hanging out when Jeremy just puts it out there that if he were MVP, he’d tell everyone. The pressure is clearly getting to Elissa, because she reveals some of the truth: “I think my sister’s fans are gonna vote for me. ‘Cause she has awesome fans.” Really? Tell us more. “My sister’s a supermodel,” she adds. Okay, that’s a lie. And then she claims to be related to Gisele Bundchen. Well, now everyone knows she’s lying.
As predicted by just about everyone, when one of the houseguests is summoned into the Diary Room to find a card naming her MVP, it’s Elissa. She’s pretty happy, of course, and reads the card to the camera about how she has a chance to make a third nomination in secret.
Her stop is the HoH room, to break the news to McCrae and get his advice on whom she should nominate. He promises not to tell anyone, and suggests nominating David. Elissa thinks Nick might be more of a threat, but of course McCrae has to steer her away from that idea without giving away his alliance. She asks him to promise not to nominate her, but he says he can’t promise that, depending on what happens in the Veto. Which kind of pisses her off, because like Rachel, the truth is only good if it’s what she wants to hear.
Aaryn and David are in the hammock, talking about their living situations outside the house. For David, that’s his parents’ house, lifeguarding in the summer and collecting unemployment the rest of the year. My, what a catch. She doesn’t seem exactly enchanted with this news, but she doesn’t make him take his hand out from between her legs either. She suggests he become a model, or else her “sugar baby” after she wins. He seems to be in favor of both of these ideas. He’ll just require regular reminders of which one he went with.
Everyone assembles in the living room so the Veto competition players can be chosen, but first the MVP’s third nominee has to be revealed. This is preceded by a long, slow-moving animation of everyone’s faces on the living room viewscreen. Finally David’s face pops up on the screen, and he goes over to sit between Jessie and Candice, totally gormless as always. “I feel like I’m the most likable guy in the house,” he protests in the DR. Elissa explains in the DR that she followed McCrae’s directions in the hope of changing his mind about putting her up. Good luck with that, E. McCrae has the three nominees join him at the front of the room, David seething visibly. McCrae draws the names of the other two players who will join them in the PoV competition, who end up being Elissa and Howard.
Everyone adjourns, and in one of the bedrooms, Aaryn wraps herself around David as though his dog just died and now it’s her job to keep him warm. David isn’t smart enough to understand anything that’s happening, except now he thinks the whole house is against him, including all the people who are gathering around him sympathetically. Yes, including Aaryn, who goes to cry in a corner. Like he’s worth it. Now, anyone with half a brain should realize that if the MVP were anyone but Elissa, then Elissa would be the MVP nominee. And by the same token, nobody’s on her side. But this logic would probably bounce off David’s forehead like the contents of a Good Will Hunting blackboard so he’s decided to just go paranoid instead. Eventually he goes and finds Aaryn to apologize, but now she doesn’t trust him either. Which just confuses him even more. “So are we good, or…?” he asks, wanting to kiss it out. Wow, what an idiot. Aaryn is frustrated that he didn’t hear a thing she was saying to him. He heard, Aaryn, he just didn’t understand.
Jeremy’s hanging with Jessie and Elissa in one of the bedrooms, and putting her feet to the fire a bit. She claims not to have won the MVP vote, and that she didn’t even expect it. Jeremy reminds her that she said she would, because of her sister’s fans. Elissa flat-out lies that she never said that. Which tells Jeremy all he needs to know.
Jeremy's hanging with Jessie and Elissa in one of the bedrooms, and putting her feet to the fire a bit. She claims not to have won the MVP vote, and that she didn't even expect it. Jeremy reminds her that she said she would, because of her sister's fans. Elissa flat-out lies that she never said that. Which tells Jeremy all he needs to know.
Amanda ambushes McCrae in the HoH room, telling him that he needs to lose the Veto competition so as not to look too strong. McCrae isn't sure if he can trust her, and so based on some insane moon logic decides to cement her trust by revealing that Elissa told her about having won MVP. [His insane logic might have something to do with Amanda spending a lot of time in bed with him, which has only been shown on the feeds so far. -- Angel] Which is just what Amanda and everyone but David figured anyway, but now McCrae is making a big show to Amanda about how she's got his balls in a sling now. But then, when Elissa comes in an Amanda leaves, McCrae immediately tells Elissa that he just spilled to Amanda. She is not pleased.
Meanwhile, downstairs, Amanda is regretting leaving McCrae alone with Elissa and drafts Jeremy, GinaMarie, and Jessie to go up to the HoH room to give McCrae some backup. Jeremy puts Elissa back on the spot about her supermodel-fan MVP voters, and she now claims to have been kidding, when she clearly wasn't. Elissa objects to being picked on, and Jeremy claims to be just "clearing the air" while continuing to be rude. And I'm not taking Elissa's side here, either. The only thing I'm rooting for right now is silence.
Which doesn't have a chance. GinaMarie, having the loudest voice in the house, has apparently been chosen to scream at everyone to go out to the backyard for the Veto competition. There's a special guest host from The American Baking Competition, and a baking-themed playing field that includes a pool of honey. Howard's looking forward to what that means: "Honeys in honey," he creeps. The guest judge explains the game: each player will have to crawl under a giant rolling pin through a pond of honey, to another giant pond of muffin batter. This second pond is studded with blue balloons impersonating giant blueberries, which contain letters inside. The players will have to pop the balloons to collect enough letters to spell the longest word they can in fifteen minutes or less. So it's like several competitions combined into one.
All three nominees DR about how much they want to win the Veto to keep themselves safe, and the competition begins. Candice overshares that the honey left her with an all-over Brazilian wax. McCrae DRs that he was trying to look like he was trying and failing, because winning would mean he'd be expected to backdoor Elissa, which he doesn't want to do. Meanwhile, David explains the flash of genius that made him decide to spell the word "competition," which thanks to the sign over the back yard is the longest word he can currently see, which probably also makes it the longest word he can currently spell. Unless even that is giving him too much credit.
With only a few minutes left, people start ringing bells and locking in their words, which they're keeping covered up for now. As time runs out, meanwhile, David doesn't have the exact letters to spell "competition" and is still flailing around looking for two of them rather than coming up with something else. Aaryn DRs that she both holds men in her life to a certain standard and has to support her man no matter what. Well, pick one, lady. Finally, time runs out. Howard reveals his word, "Sailing," which he DRs is so the house won't know that he's "a powerhouse in competitions." He's sucked at three of them, so that's going well. Jessie also has a seven-letter word, "Tumbled," but Howard beat her to it so he's still in the lead. Candice doesn't even do as well as the guy who's trying to lose, having spelled "Rafts." David reveals his totally blank board. I can't say he's the stupidest contestant in Big Brother history because there are lots of seasons I never saw, but I can confidently say he's the stupidest Big Brother contestant I've ever seen. "Congratulations, David!" Andy DRs. "You're an idiot!"
Elissa reveals her word, "Pot roasts," which has eight letters but is actually two words, so Howard is still winning despite himself. But then McCrae, who tried so hard to throw this competition, spelled "Delivery," and has won the PoV despite not wanting to at all. "I feel like the stupidest smart man in the house," he DRs. I think he might have that backwards. So now he's torn between making himself a target and sending home a friend. My advice? Pick better friends.
After the ads, Helen tries to buck Elissa up a little, because they have some kind of mom alliance going. It works, kind of.
Later, or possibly the day, Elissa takes McCrae aside to try to convince him to keep the nominations the same. McCrae tells her he has to nominate her, which he claims doesn't necessarily mean she's going home. Well, he's half right. All Elissa can say is that nominating her is a "bad game move," though she can't say why. "What is one good ally compared to 14 other people coming after my head?" he DRs. This is a valid question.
McCrae gets a visit from Nick, who has a "master plan" to pitch. And it's this: McCrae should refrain from using the Veto, making the excuse that he doesn't want to "stir up the house." Nick figures that means David will go home, and that'll be the end of every strong physical player not in the Moving Company. "Get the threat out now," he argues, as though David isn't stupid enough to just accidentally disqualify himself at some inevitable point in the future. This seems like a perfect out for McCrae. But to his credit, he doesn't think it's going to work given how much everyone's gunning for Elissa. However, Nick has convinced himself, if no one else.
So the old contemplation of the Memory Wall is back, now that McCrae is both HoH and PoV holder. He's torn between pissing off the house and his alliance and one of his friends. Jessie is hoping McCrae will use the Veto on her, as though she's got one millimeter of his headspace right now. David doesn't know where he stands, because he doesn't know anything. Nick still wants David out. Finally, McCrae calls the Veto meeting and announces that he's using the Veto on...Candice. Wait, what now? The replacement nominee is, you guessed it, Elissa, and he flatly tells her in front of the whole house that it would be better "for the harmony of the house" if she went home. So now he's managed to piss off both Elissa and his alliance? Smart move.
Candice is relieved, Aaryn isn't at all worried about David going home instead of Elissa, and David classily DRs that the girls "crying all the time and super emotional" means he's looking good. Elissa is disappointed in McCrae, who explains in the DR that Elissa got nominated due to the house's wishes. "But surprise, surprise, America: Elissa's not the real target." So David is? Risky, McCrae, and I don't think Elissa's going to appreciate this even in the unlikely event this goes the way you plan. This is what happens to relatively smart people in the house: with nobody to outsmart, they begin to outsmart themselves.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.