Draped in a leopard-skin tarp, with a cookie-press die slung around her neck, Julie welcomes us to a special live eviction episode, on a Wednesday. I'm always happy for any reason for there to be one less idiot in the house at the end of the night.
After previouslies and credits, Julie tells us it's Day 68, and recaps all the stuff we just saw in the aforementioned previouslies, as she does. But just to remind you for a seventh time, Kalia and Porsche are the nominees, courtesy of HoH Rachel, if "courtesy" is the right word.
Flashback to the nomination ceremony. Rachel head-waggles in the Diary Room about how she's coming after Kalia. Porsche and Kalia both DR that they'll be fighting hard for the Veto. They can't both win it, though.
But first, they...get in bed! Of course. They speculate that the only way to save both of them is for Adam to win the Veto, because if he saves one of them, Jordan becomes an automatic nominee. But of course that assumes that Adam will a) save either of them, or b) win his second competition of the summer. Those are two such large ifs I don't know how they fit in the room.
Jordan's thinking the same thing, so she goes to talk to Adam about it. Adam assures her that he's on her and Rachel's side, which is what Jordan wants to hear. And probably what Adam's actually thinking, at least until Rachel and Jordan suffer another temporary reversal.
The Veto competition setup in the backyard looks pretty elaborate. There's a ramp with a big shark-head at the top, and a lot of "pies" (actually tin plates covered with whipped cream) scattered around the yard. The final five climb the ramp and kneel before the shark, which introduces itself using the narrator's voice as, what else, Otev. The shark says that he'll describe a pie, and the houseguests will have to search among the pies to find a plate that matches what he asked for and bring it to them. Of course there won't be any filling left in them, so the fake pie-eating shark will still go hungry. This is so unrealistic.
One player will be eliminated in each round, either by getting there last or returning with the wrong pie. Kalia DRs that she needs to save herself; Adam says he needs it to impress the jury, I guess in some Bizarro universe where Adam is in the final two; and Jordan says she needs to win because she still doesn't trust Adam. For the first round, Otev asks for the pie of a person who called Daniele Judas. While they start searching, we see a replay of Brendon calling Daniele Judas on Day 48. Kalia is the first to get back with a pie, followed by Adam, Rachel, and finally Jordan. They all came back with "Brendon Berry Pie," but since Jordan was last, she's out. So another stellar performance from Jordan. No wonder Rachel is allied with her. For round two, it's a question about a candy store PoV competition, which is a reference to Dominic's win way back on Day 17. Porsche makes it back first, followed by Adam and a very motivated Kalia, leaving Rachel in last place. They all have the right answer again, so now Rachel's done, which shuts out the veterans who are now counting on a win from Adam to keep the nominations the same.
In round 3, Otev references the Zingbot's crack about Jeff's soul patch on Day 50. Porsche is the first to return with "Peanut Butter and Jeff Pie," followed by Adam and finally Kalia, who's out. She DRs about what a failure she feels like, and on the sidelines, she turns her back on the veterans to cry. Rachel gives her a pat on the back that she doesn't really mean, and then makes fun of Kalia crying in the DR. Because Rachel has certainly never cried. Now it's down to Adam and Porsche in the final round, which...let's just think about that for a minute...and Otev asks them who "lost all 17 competitions they played in." Adam knows it's Shelly, but Porsche beats him back to the shark -- with a Keith pie. You know, the first person who left? 17 competitions would have been a lot for one week. She goes back for the right one, and that's how Adam beats her to the top of the ramp with "Shelly Jelly Pie." Porsche's pretty sad, and then on top of that, she has to worry about the pie plate Adam just threw straight up into the air coming down and hitting her on her empty head. So now there's one actual win for Adam this season. Kalia cries in the DR that her fate is in the hands of someone who doesn't like to get his hands dirty, and Jordan is hoping that he won't as well. Like anybody needs to worry about that.
After a quick visit to Julie in the studio, we're back to the jury house, where Brendon, Daniele, and Jeff are having a "Friday party." Jeff's the only one who's hoping to see Shelly, not least of all because he needs to unburden himself on her. In Shelly comes, with hugs for everyone, and says she's here thanks to Pandora's Box. Jeff's clearly still pissy about everything, even snapping at Daniele for no reason before asking, "What happened with us, Shel?" Shelly says she had to make a move, and she knew that he'd never bring her into the final two. Jeff basically yells at her and shouts her down until Shelly finally has the chance to bring up the DVD of the events leading up to her eviction. They all sit down and watch Porsche win last week's HoH, and then announce that she opened Pandora's Box and brought back the duo twist. Then they watch the HoH competition with the dummy-hanging, which Rachel of course won, and then Shelly's eviction. Brendon applauds loudly. Shelly tells the other evictees that after Jeff's eviction, she promised everything to Rachel and Jordan, but Jeff isn't exactly open to Shelly's protestations of restored loyalty to the veterans. They bicker a little more without resolving anything or really even listening to each other, which is always fun.
Back to the five people who are actually still in the house. Kalia is sobbing hopelessly in the toilet stall, which I thought wasn't supposed to have a camera in it, and whines about how unfair it is that Adam isn't going to save her. It sucks, but it's not unfair. You had the same chance to win that PoV that everyone else did, Sunshine. Meanwhile, Jordan and Rachel are in the HoH bathroom talking as if they're wondering what Adam is going to do, as if there's any doubt that he's going to do fuck-all.
In the backyard that night, Kalia and Porsche are drinking wine while Kalia reminds Adam that they made a newbie alliance on Day 1. Which, not that Adam knows this, Kalia voted against the first chance she got, and which, if it had stuck together, would mean that someone other than Porsche would be sitting to her right now, but whatever. Kalia seems convinced that she can win Adam over, and reminds him that fans love big moves. She even promises to put Porsche up against Rachel for the nomination if he sends Jordan home, and says Porsche will do the same to her. "Make a big move, Adam," she pushes. "It's time." But that doesn't necessarily mean it's going to happen.
While contemplating the memory wall, Adam says he is indeed planning a big move. And of the four other people in the house, "two of them are going to be really happy, and two of them are going to be really upset." At the Veto meeting, Adam doesn't bother giving anyone a chance to speak, saying he's not going to use the PoV. "My actions today show that I'm a man of my word," he says. In his defense, he doesn't specify which of his words. Kalia castigates him from the DR for being a "classic, grade-A, cowardly floater." Like that's news.
Coming back, Julie tells us it's time for the vote. Porsche is the first to make her final plea, thanking the other four for keeping her in the house this long and complimenting them all individually. Kalia, on the other hand, has clearly decided to go down in a blaze of criticism. "Adam, please start playing like an all-star, stop playing like a fan." She thanks Jordan for being her friend and asks her to vote with her heart. "Rachel, you can't keep complaining about putting out people who play this game if you're going to keep doing it... I feel like I'm getting jacked for trusting the wrong person." Of course Kalia's correct that Rachel's a giant hypocrite, but she's forgotten that getting jacked for trusting the wrong person has a long and storied history in this game. Then she says something to Porsche about a "moon palace," and it's time for the vote. Jordan goes first and votes to evict Porsche, although it looked like she had trouble remembering. Adam votes to evict Kalia, so it'll be down to Rachel to break the tie, which I'm thinking is how they arranged it in advance, so that Rachel could make a big speech dumping Kalia. But instead, she gives Kalia props for being a competitor, and evicts her anyway. "If the black queen is leaving I might as well leave one behind," Kalia says, putting a chess piece on the table and hugging everyone on her way out. So that's Porsche, Rachel, Jordan, and freaking Adam in the final four.
Julie starts Kalia's exit Chenterview by mentioning the "newbies to the end" thing from last week. Well, it was also mentioned in the first week, but I think I already covered that. Kalia is clearly emotional as she talks about trusting the wrong people and having wanted to beat the veterans. Which, maybe she shouldn't have been one of the first to go over to their side, then. And that's it for Kalia.
Time for America's Vote for the favorite houseguest, who will get 25 grand. At least Dick's not in there.
Apparently, at some point this week, the fortune-teller machine in the purple room started talking. Everyone freaked out because nothing else ever happens in this house, and they all gathered around to listen to the machine make a prediction about Shelly making it on the bestseller lists with a book about tanning. That's it for now, but the machine came to life again at 2:29 AM, telling them that Jeff will be seen wandering the streets of Chicago muttering, "Clown shoe." Obviously this is going to be one of those things where they're awoken at intervals all night for this kind of thing, like having a newborn Zingbot in your house. At 4:18 AM, they're rousted out of bed to hear a prediction about Brendon discovering a cure for athlete's foot. And then it's 5:37 AM, and they get to hear a prediction about Keith hosting a dating show and getting it canceled after trying to date all 29 female contestants. So clearly that show is not going to be on ABC.
Now it's time for the live HoH competition. Outgoing HoH Rachel's on the sidelines, but Adam, Porsche, and Jordan are standing behind podiums with crystal balls on them. Of course the game is a quiz about the fortune teller machine's predictions, so we might as well get started. They all get the first one right, even though Julie tries to trick them by saying "clown shoes." Jordan is the only one to get the second one wrong, guessing "false" about Brendon's athlete's foot cure. Only Porsche guesses "false" about whether Cassi was predicted to land a role with David Hasselhoff, so now Adam's in the lead. And then only Porsche gets the second one wrong, so Adam's still ahead. She also gets the one wrong about the headline accompanying Dominic on a future cover of Seventeen magazine, putting her completely out of the running with two points and only one question left. They all get the last one right about Dick not legally changing his name to "Old St. Dick," so Adam is HoH, killing it with a perfect score. In other news, up is down and down is up.
So now the final four are gathered in the living room, and Adam says the only thing that would be better is if Tori Spelling came in. "Oh, wait, that already happened." Har har. Julie asks Porsche about her mood after having survived the vote, and Porsche makes excuses for blowing the competition before thanking everyone for keeping her. Don't get too comfortable, sweetie. Nominations, final PoV competition, and live Veto meeting tomorrow. Season finale Wednesday (yay!) and a winner will be crowned. And there's now a one-in-three chance that it'll be Adam. Jesus.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.