We rejoin the HoH competition in progress, which requires four of the five remaining houseguests -- not including outgoing HoH Porsche -- to crawl through a giant pool of "donut glaze" to a table full of donuts, grab one at a time, then crawl back with them and spike them on a pole. The one with the most at the end of 13 minutes wins. The houseguests Diary-Room about how difficult and gross it is, and also about how motivated they all are to win. Flashback to Shelly's 2-1 eviction on Thursday, and Adam's reaction upon hearing the vote totals is to threaten Kalia in the DR about how he's coming after her for voting for his eviction. I'm sure she'd be terrified if Adam has the stones to say that to her face. Jordan DRs that Shelly would still be here if she hadn't turned on them. Which is probably true, unless she weren't for some other reason. Kalia says she was just trying to guess how Rachel and Jordan were going to vote and then voted that way. "Hopefully Adam doesn't hold a grudge." Well, on the one hand, that was a really bad guess, but on the other hand, from what we've seen of his performance in competitions, he can't seem to hold onto much of anything.
Back to the competition, with nine minutes left. People are slowing down with six minutes left. Then there are four minutes left. What a shame that we don't get to watch people spend thirteen real-time minutes crawling through what looks like a giant pond full of semen. Adam DRs, "I've never had so much trouble getting donuts in my life." We can tell. With two minutes left, Rachel is still in the lead, with Adam in a close second. Kalia is losing badly and therefore pulling for Adam to win, but in the end, Rachel wins by an obvious margin. Again. And gloats in the DR. Again. And Jordan is hoping that she and Rachel will be in the final two, to prove "we beat the odds." Those odds being six experienced players and the producers matched up against eight green morons who were mostly on the side of the experienced players. Those are some odds she was up against. Adam is disappointed in himself for losing, which is odd because that implies that he expected anything else. And obviously Kalia and Porsche are pretty bummed, because now they're screwed.
After everyone's de-glazed and back in the house, Rachel talks future moves with Jordan. They figure they need to split up Kalia and Porsche (which, not for nothing, puts Adam in the final four), and Rachel says she's not dealing with Kalia, so they'll need to work with Adam. Who's going to be in the final four. So clearly there's something to be said for going through the entire game as everyone's absolute last priority.
Later, while in the shower, Kalia tries to explain to Adam that she was only trying to vote with the house, and she's sorry. "I'm here," is all Adam will say to her. If Kalia really wants to make things up to him she'll swing that shower door open. But failing that, Adam is still pouting over it.
Later, Porsche tries to convince Adam that she's glad he stayed, and that she's hoping it'll be two newbies at the end, like she told Julie, but they both agree that Porsche and Kalia will probably be Rachel's nominees this week. Which I'm sure won't stop Adam from going and begging Rachel for his life anyway.
It's time for Rachel to show off her HoH room, which Kalia's a little slow to join on account of how she's in mid-nap as, apparently, usual. Then Rachel sees that all the pictures in the HoH room are of her and Brendon, because of how the producers love her. But I'm okay with it because of what happens to her later.
Kalia rather brusquely makes her pitch to Rachel, saying she hasn't lied to anyone and that the two of them are actually very similar in terms of how they play (except for how Rachel wins more). Kalia is hoping there's still an all-female final four deal in place. Rachel will only say that it's a travesty that Brendon, Daniele, and Jeff are in the jury house. Which leaves Kalia with pretty much no response except to beg for mercy. But when Rachel asks if Kalia would take her and Jordan to final three over Porsche, Kalia jumps at it. Rachel pretends she has a tough decision to make.
Sunday night filler already? Jordan and Rachel talk about their plans for after the game, which includes such fascinating topics as Rachel and Brendon's car insurance. As it turns out, Rachel is a traffic menace. So now we can understand that CBS stuck her in the house for another summer in the name of public safety. I'm still not happy about it, though.
It's Porsche's turn to come to Rachel, hat in hand. Rachel tells her she doesn't know who to trust, and Porsche makes her the same offer Kalia did. Rachel laments their past friendship, and Porsche offers to patch it up. Rachel still isn't saying one way or another.
More filler: Adam and Jordan talk about Adam's girlfriend Fara. "She doesn't like being called Donna Martin in bed, though," he says, half-kidding. Then there's a montage of how Adam's been going on and on about Tori Spelling and all summer. This is giving me a very bad feeling about the upcoming "celebrity twist."
Rachel enters the HoH room to see that the Pandora's Box door is back. The video clue about Rachel's choice is, wouldn't you know it, a pregnant Tori Spelling standing in front of racks of clothes, waving out at her from the monitor. Rachel gasps, and puts her big science brain to work to analyze that "Adam would freak out." When she reads the second card, it says something about a shopping spree with a celebrity. Rachel debates whether it's worth risking a game twist with five people left, but also realizes Adam would kill her if she passed it up, "And we've already had so many twists [most of which have blatantly been in my favor]." So she opens the door and walks in. Ads. Maybe she won't come back out?
But when she enters Pandora's Box and finds racks of clothes and a counter of goods, from behind the latter pops...Jessie. Horrible, horrible Jessie, in his wrestling briefs, who will be her host for the shopping spree. Rachel pretends to be happy to see him, but tells us the DR, "He is not a celebrity." And all the crap he's selling Rachel is Jessie-branded. Worst prize ever.
"Wake me up if anything exciting happens," Adam says downstairs, and of course the doorbell rings while he's in the middle of changing his pants. He rushes to get dressed again, and in comes Tori Spelling herself, looking huge in a tangerine maternity gown and causing Adam to, naturally, completely plotz. They start giving her a tour of the house, and meanwhile, upstairs, Jessie is forcing Rachel to try on "Mr. Pectacular" t-shirts. Look, nobody hates Jessie more than I do, but I have to confess that he's starting to crack me up playing to his image as a deluded egotist. The monitor inside the room comes on and shows the other houseguests welcoming Tori Spelling inside. "I want to go with them!" she wails, while Jessie struggles manfully to keep her focused on his crap. Downstairs, Tori pop-quizzes Adam on (he gets them all right, of course, like he has been all summer) and then tells him he's adorable. He is starting to look better now that his beard is growing back, a full Santa Claus rather than the rectangular goatee he came into the house with. Meanwhile, Jessie is playing Rachel to the hilt, offering her an autograph and asking what her name is. Adam gets some pictures of Tori kissing him on the cheek, while Jessie makes Rachel pose with him for some photos. Tori tells the houseguests that there's a "shopping spree" set up in the backyard, and they get to keep whatever they can put on in three minutes. She leaves them to it while Adam chants "Donna Martin graduates!"
Then the horn sounds and they all run outside, rushing to put on clothes. Of course Rachel is freaking out watching on the monitor while Jessie keeps flogging his goods. The time's up, and Rachel walks out, loaded down with Jessie swag, asking him, "Do I have to keep this stuff?" "You get to keep this stuff," Jessie corrects. He's doing a little too good a job of keeping a straight face through all this. Everyone else comes back into the house dressed like Joey in all of Chandler's clothes in "The One Where No One's Ready," and Rachel is still loaded down with her Jessie-shit. Adam gives Rachel a grateful hug... with shoes on his hands.
Adam then pays a visit to Rachel and Jordan in the HoH room (see?), calling his flip to the newbies a "moment of weakness" and saying he's on Rachel and Jordan's side all the way. Rachel tells him the same thing she told Kalia and Porsche, which is that she still doesn't know what to do. Rachel DRs that it might be smart to keep a weak player, and I'm in agreement with her that you can't do much better in that department than Adam.
After he leaves, Rachel and Jordan talk long-term strategy about how they'll get to the final two together. Jordan declares, "I refuse to let two people be in the final two that slept this whole season," meaning Porsche and Kalia. And yet Rachel still doesn't know what to do.
Nomination Day. Adam thinks he's on good shape, but won't feel safe until he pulls his key. Porsche figures she'll be nominated, but hopes she at least talked her way out of getting evicted this week. Kalia hopes the same thing, while admitting she hasn't been so nice to Rachel over the course of the game. Rachel herself gives an anodyne pre-nomination voice-over that could have preceded any nomination all summer, and calls the nomination ceremony. They all gather around the table, and when the keys come out, they belong to Jordan and Adam, so that's Kalia and Porsche as the nominees, to the surprise of no one. Rachel says she knows they're coming after her, and invites them to win the Veto. "May the best man win. Or woman. Or man." Everyone laughs as though Adam has a chance at winning any Veto competition that isn't a trivia quiz. Porsche gives Rachel a limp warning from the DR, and Kalia DRs that half of Rachel's nominations this summer have been at her, Kalia's hand. "Payback is a bitch named Rachel." Rachel's DR speech is a lot of big talk about how they'll have to get through her to stay. There's an eviction on Wednesday, and we'll be in the home stretch, with a final four that will probably include Adam.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.