Julie looks like she was suddenly pulled away from repapering her bathroom as she welcomes us to the live double-eviction night. Live!
Can I not hear the term "Big Jeff" any more? It makes me feel fat.
Julie reminds us that Jeff nominated Porsche and Kalia this week, but then won the Veto and used it to undo his nomination of Porsche and put Daniele up in her place. Then Julie tells us that although the houseguests don't yet know it, two, count 'em, two players will be leaving tonight. So we're starting the hour with eight morons in the house and ending with six. The only way that could be better is if we ended with zero. Julie explains how the night will work, but we'll see it soon enough and this show is already plenty boring without spoilers.
Flashback to Jeff's Veto meeting, and then it's Day 52. Daniele narrates that she left the room to avoid saying something she'd regret, and Diary-Rooms that if she stays this week, it'll be "war." I thought she was going to say "a miracle." Rachel DRs about how the cocky, arrogant girl's gotta go, and she's not talking about herself. Porsche's glad to be off the block, but now she has to choose which of her friends to vote against. Like it's going to be her decision. Kalia talks about how sad she is that her best friend is leaving the house, because she's pretty sure of herself. Jeff DRs that he'll be shocked if Daniele stays, because it'll mean his alliance has flipped. "That is not good news for Big Jeff." There he goes again.
Daniele talks about the three votes she needs to stay. Obviously she's not going to get them from Jordan or Rachel. She's already certain of Porsche (even if Porsche isn't), so she needs to work on Adam and Shelly. Daniele is starting with Shelly, telling her that Jordan and Rachel are both a lock for the final two. Shelly hates Rachel so much she's willing to vote to keep Daniele, or at least say she is. Daniele offers in return to never nominate Shelly for the duration, and Shelly is starting to realize that she's never going to beat Jeff and Jordan, her two best friends, unless she screws them up their asses. But at least she feels bad about it.
Shelly goes to Adam and lays it out: they need to break up Jeff and Jordan, or they'll never beat them. As if they would anyway. Shelly argues for making a deal with Daniele. Adam's only objection is that he'd rather lose honestly against a stronger player than get stabbed in the back later. Well, he's been doing that first thing all season well enough. Shelly makes a passionate case, but unfortunately she makes it all by her lonesome in the Diary Room.
Later, Daniele and Shelly watch Adam suck up to Jeff and Jordan and discuss how to win him over. "This doofus Adam is the deciding vote!" Daniele whines in the DR.
There's a new game in the backyard. It's a long, squiggly table that's mounted on a flexible stand, so theoretically you can wiggle it in such a way that a ball will roll along its length. Adam figures it's connected to an upcoming competition (which we won't be seeing tonight, just so you know), so he decides to practice on it all night. Meanwhile. Shelly is going for a hail-Mary to save Daniele, by going to, of all people, Rachel. She tattles on Jeff for throwing the cornhole Veto game the week Brendon was evicted. And that gives Rachel quite a bit to think about. Shelly pretends like she was just making an idle observation. Iago of Louisiana.
Rachel takes it up with Daniele, who confirms it. That's all Rachel needs to hear to offer to cross over to Daniele and Porsche's side. "As much as I hate her guts, keeping Daniele might just be a better game move," Rachel DRs. Daniele drives it home by telling Rachel that if Kalia stays, Jeff and Jordan win. Daniele tells Rachel she has Porsche and Shelly. "You don't have Shelly," Rachel tells her, pretty confidently. She seems to agree to vote to keep her, only warning Daniele not to tell anyone, and they can blame Adam. That might actually be my favorite part of the plan. Adam lives in terror of pissing anyone off, so I love the idea of pinning a backstabbing on him. Of course it would never work because nobody would believe Adam did it.
Back to the studio, Julie informs us, "Just moments ago, the house exploded when Jeff learned that Shelly has flipped sides once again." Good thing we didn't see that live. Although it does explain why Jeff has been pouting this whole time. For now, all we get to do is listen in as Julie breaks the news via the living room viewscreen that it's a live double eviction episode, so two of them will be joining Brendon in the jury house tonight. First, though, Daniele and Kalia get to make their nominee speeches. Daniele's starts like an Oscar acceptance speech, but then when she says how much she loves the game, it "saddens" her that she's the only person in the house who feels that way. Rachel sneers as Daniele goes on about people who just want to go along and write Jeff and Jordan a check. So it looks like she didn't get the votes after all. Speaking of spoilers. After that, Julie asks for a short speech from Kalia, who doesn't even want to follow that at all. "I'm just gonna say vote for me!" she says.
Later, Daniele and Shelly watch Adam suck up to Jeff and Jordan and discuss how to win him over. "This doofus Adam is the deciding vote!" Daniele whines in the DR.
There's a new game in the backyard. It's a long, squiggly table that's mounted on a flexible stand, so theoretically you can wiggle it in such a way that a ball will roll along its length. Adam figures it's connected to an upcoming competition (which we won't be seeing tonight, just so you know), so he decides to practice on it all night. Meanwhile. Shelly is going for a hail-Mary to save Daniele, by going to, of all people, Rachel. She tattles on Jeff for throwing the cornhole Veto game the week Brendon was evicted. And that gives Rachel quite a bit to think about. Shelly pretends like she was just making an idle observation. Iago of Louisiana.
Rachel takes it up with Daniele, who confirms it. That's all Rachel needs to hear to offer to cross over to Daniele and Porsche's side. "As much as I hate her guts, keeping Daniele might just be a better game move," Rachel DRs. Daniele drives it home by telling Rachel that if Kalia stays, Jeff and Jordan win. Daniele tells Rachel she has Porsche and Shelly. "You don't have Shelly," Rachel tells her, pretty confidently. She seems to agree to vote to keep her, only warning Daniele not to tell anyone, and they can blame Adam. That might actually be my favorite part of the plan. Adam lives in terror of pissing anyone off, so I love the idea of pinning a backstabbing on him. Of course it would never work because nobody would believe Adam did it.
Back to the studio, Julie informs us, "Just moments ago, the house exploded when Jeff learned that Shelly has flipped sides once again." Good thing we didn't see that live. Although it does explain why Jeff has been pouting this whole time. For now, all we get to do is listen in as Julie breaks the news via the living room viewscreen that it's a live double eviction episode, so two of them will be joining Brendon in the jury house tonight. First, though, Daniele and Kalia get to make their nominee speeches. Daniele's starts like an Oscar acceptance speech, but then when she says how much she loves the game, it "saddens" her that she's the only person in the house who feels that way. Rachel sneers as Daniele goes on about people who just want to go along and write Jeff and Jordan a check. So it looks like she didn't get the votes after all. Speaking of spoilers. After that, Julie asks for a short speech from Kalia, who doesn't even want to follow that at all. "I'm just gonna say vote for me!" she says.
The voting starts. Jordan votes to evict Daniele. Porsche votes to evict Kalia. Shelly votes to evict Kalia. Rachel speechifies, "I vote to evict bad gameplay and backstabbers. See ya later, Daniele!" Wow, what happened to those two between those earlier clips and now? They seemed such good friends for ten seconds there. Adam says, "Sorry, Dick, I'm evicting your daughter Daniele." He's even afraid to piss off former players. So that's it for Daniele. Julie gets back on the viewscreen and breaks the news that Daniele has been evicted 3-2. Daniele hugs selectively and takes off, calling, "Step it up, people" behind her. She heads out into the studio and tells Julie, "I've never had this walk before!" before hugging her. Neither have most people, Eighth. It's pretty quiet in the house right now, even when they're not being bleeped for swearing. Which they are. A lot.
Julie and Daniele exchange her catchphrase, "Shocker!" and Julie asks Daniele what happened. Daniele is convinced that everyone's just there to help Jeff and Jordan, and even says, "Adam's the worst player to ever play this game." Not to defend Adam, but he outlasted you, Sunshine. Julie asks Daniele why she turned on Jeff so early on when she was in good shape, and Daniele basically admits she got bored. She also adds that Jeff went back on their deal.
Farewell messages. Shelly says she's sorry it didn't work, but she appreciated getting to know her. Jeff smugly waves at her and says he wishes they could have worked together, but he didn't trust her. Kalia weepily says she didn't expect to make a friend. "Shocker, I'm crying!" Rachel basically just insults Daniele, calling her "an horrible bitch." Look who's bitter! Daniele pleasantly says that Rachel is what she is, so after a long handclasp with Julie, she's off to the jury house. She and Brendon will have a lovely time.
Time to determine who will get the shortest HoH reign of the season. They'll be playing "Before or After," which I think gets played every year, so I'm not going to explain it again. The first question is whether the cow costumes came before or after the superhero costumes, which everyone gets right (before). Adam's the only one to get the one wrong, about the pepperonis and the cornhole game, so smell you later, Superfan. He goes and sits to Jeff on the sidelines. The question is pretty tricky, because it has to do with the order of two things Dominic said in his eviction speech. Porsche waffles so much Julie goes tiger-mom on her, but she got it wrong anyway -- along with Rachel and Shelly. That leaves Kalia and Jordan. It's another tricky one, about a Have-Not menu coming before or after the bubble-gum Veto competition. Kalia and Jordan give different answers, and I don't remember the answer myself, so Julie's able to draw out the suspense before announcing that the winner is...Kalia. Should have known Jordan would blow it. Kalia is hugged hard and happily by Porsche -- and Shelly, who knows what side her English muffin is buttered on now -- and then Julie sends them all inside for her nominations. Jordan's so mad at herself I think even she gets bleeped as she, Jeff, Rachel, and Adam head into the living room to await their doom.
Kalia, Porsche, and Shelly have apparently spent the break conferring in the storage room, but after a moment Julie calls them all into the living room and wastes no time ordering Kalia to make her nominations. Kalia says she's keeping her word, and nominates Jeff and Rachel. Bad night for the veterans, yeah? Still, Veto competition coming up!
A second competition has been set up amazingly quickly in the backyard. Six of the players (all save Jordan) are positioned partway along colored lanes, each of which has a small table in the middle, a buzzer at one end, and a ball pit at the other. All they need to do is find two clown shoes in their ball pits, put them on the table one at a time, run back to the ball pit, grab their individual Veto symbol, and then run back and hit the buzzer. Julie mark-get-set-goes, and they go, some of them disappearing entirely under their balls (dirty!). Rachel finds a yellow clown shoe first, and is back searching before anyone else finds a shoe. But not long before, because Shelly, Porsche, and Adam also get shoes in quick succession. Jeff finds a shoe after hurling balls everywhere, including into Adam's pit. Porsche finds her second shoe, then runs back for her PoV symbol. So she's won the Veto. Very bad night for the veterans, and Jeff and Rachel know it. Now we get to watch everyone sit and pant -- except Jordan, who's just trying not to have a meltdown. Porsche finally won a competition! But was it worth it to make Jordan cry?
Back from ads, Julie invites us to listen to what the houseguests are saying, but the FCC won't let us, for the most part. Julie gathers them in the living room for the Veto meeting, and Porsche needs a lot of coaching on her blocking before she knows where to stand. She's used to only sitting on the sofa during these things, after all. Julie lets Rachel argue her case for the Veto first, and Rachel flails a bit before lamely trying to tell Porsche that vetoing her would be a good choice for her game, which even Rachel probably doesn't believe. "If not, then, good game everyone." Jeff says his actions speak for themselves, and compliments Porsche's hair in return and asks for everyone's vote. Finally Porsche gets to announce her decision, and says that in honor of the difficult decision Kalia had to make (snort) she won't be using the Veto. Just generally sucks to be a veteran tonight.
Coming back, Jeff has apparently been arguing with Shelly in one of the rooms so that Julie has to rush everyone back into the living room. Rachel gets to plead her case again, lying that she respects everyone as game players. Jeff mainly directs his speech at Shelly, reminding her of how awesome she is and how much Rachel sucks (although the latter more obliquely), then asking Shelly for respect and to do what's right for herself and for Jordan. Way to play the Jordan card. Shameless.
Again, Jordan votes first, and she's still in tears as she votes to evict Rachel. Porsche can't get into the Diary Room fast enough, and votes to evict Jeff. Adam takes a long time deciding to vote to evict Rachel, because how can he know what to do if he doesn't know what everyone else is going to do? Shelly says, "Sorry, Jeff, you stand between this for my family." She looks like she's about to commence a speech, but Julie cuts her off and boots her from the DR. That's all the votes, and with a 2-2 count, Kalia will need to break the tie. Kalia stands up and says, "I am really, really sorry. I think you're awesome, I think you're great at this game, and I think you have the absolute ability to win it, and that's why I have to evict you. I'm sorry." The audience moans in shock, or possibly horror because they still think Jeff is awesome, and Julie rushes Jeff out because it's 9:54 and the show's over in three minutes. He barely gets to hug everyone and get bleeped several more times before he walks out to the studio empty-handed (it's not like he knew to pack) and gives Julie a big hug. Inside, Rachel and Jordan cry in the kitchen, trying to figure out how this happened and whining about how nobody's on their side any more. Well, there's Adam, but a) he voted to evict Rachel, and b) he's Adam. I think this is a first: Six players left in the house and not a man among them. Porsche is bucking up a guilt-ridden Shelly, whispering in her ear about how they're "doing it right this time."
Out in the studio, Jeff insists that backdooring Daniele was the right move, and tells Julie, "Nobody in there has a sack. I don't know if I can say that, but they don't." I guess he can, because as much bleeping as we've heard tonight, we still get to hear "sack." But it's awesome how people keep complaining about the spinelessness of others who don't do what they want them to do. He angrily says that people who slept until Day 55 "woke up and won a couple competitions." He adds that he never wanted to be a leader, boasts that he's a man, and concludes, "I'm a little fired up, Julie, you know what I mean?" Julie backs away, then shakes his hand anyway, and tells him to stick around for an extended interview that people who care more than I do can see online. Julie says there are only three weeks left (yay!), and that there'll be a new Head of Household competition and nominations on Sunday. And then we get to eavesdrop, which consists of Jordan and Rachel looking shell-shocked in the middle of the living room, like it's a wake. Take it to a bedroom, ladies, that's unseemly.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.