Black-and-white flashback to Cassi's unanimous eviction, and Shelly DRs how much she hates that her own earlier vote helped put that in motion. Unintended consequences, as though there's any other kind in this house. Jordan says she would have liked to backdoor Brendon and Rachel, but it's too early in the game to make everybody mad, as if there'd be anybody mad at her besides Brendon and Rachel, and one of them would be gone. And Rachel responds to Cassi's accusation of her being catty and bitchy by going into the DR and being catty and bitchy.
Lawon explains in the DR what just went down, and how it was all as a result of Cassi's refusal to kowtow to the queen bee: "Whose house? Rachel's house!" Exactly. Shelly's glad to have the Golden Key, while Dominic DRs, "The Regulators could be the worst alliance of all time in Big Brother history." With two of the four already gone, it's hard to argue that. But at least that makes Dominic the most self-aware alliance leader in Big Brother history.
Flashback to Rachel winning her second HoH this year, making her undefeated for the season. "I am on fire!" she gloats in the DR. I wish. Brendon DRs that Rachel's the brains of the operation. And yet they're still winning. Adam says he'll need to start kissing Rachel's ass ("start?"), and Lawon realizes that with everyone else in the house either safe or aligned with Rachel, the nominated duo this week will be either Adam and Dominic or himself and Kalia. "I'ma fight like a dog up in here!" Lawon vows. A Pomeranian, maybe.
The veterans quietly celebrate Rachel's victory in a bedroom, while Dominic says that Rachel's win is the worst possible outcome. Hard to argue with that, too. Jeff quietly asks Brendon who they're thinking of nominating, and although Brendon demurs, he's leaning toward Adam and Dominic. Jeff DRs that given how much pressure Brendon and Rachel put on the eviction process last week when Jordan was HoH, he thinks he should have a say in who goes this week. Cute that he thinks that. Rachel imposes rules, Jeff, she doesn't follow them.
Adam is quietly hoping to Shelly that Kalia and Lawon will be nominated for not doing anything. One could make the argument to Rachel that Kalia and Lawon are floaters. Which they are, according to Rachel's definition, because according to Rachel's definition, everyone is.
Oddly, the house looks abandoned that evening. But upon closer examination, it turns out that everyone's just hiding behind furniture. So when Rachel comes out of the DR braying, "Who wants to see my HoH room!?!??!1!" there's no response until everyone jumps out throwing pillows at her. Thanks for trying to make it interesting for once, at least, guys. Rachel reads a letter from her sister, and Jeff mocks her in the DR for always talking about being engaged.
Adam pays Rachel and Brendon a visit in the HoH room, and makes the case for Kalia and Lawon being floaters. They seem pretty receptive to that idea, but they're not actually too sympathetic to Adam. He already screwed them the first week, after all, and Rachel doesn't forgive.
Lawon makes his pitch , and they're even less receptive to him. In fact, Rachel's bored-face is so over-the-top that Robin Williams would tell her to dial it back. In her defense, it's pretty much the only reasonable response to Lawon's word salad.
day, the veterans give Dominic a hard time for his snoring, especially Jeff, who apparently stayed awake throwing shit at Dominic's head. So there's another strike against Dominic.
Rachel announces a luxury competition, not to be confused with the Have-Have/Not competitions, because everyone gets to play, including Golden Key holders, and there are no Have-Nots for the week. All of which seems like good news unless you have to listen to Rachel scream it. Outside, there's a red carpet, which tells them (as we already know) that there'll be a celebrity visit coming up. Adam's like a girl in a Beatles newsreel over the possibility that it might be Tori Spelling. Suddenly, from the curtains emerges... some guy. Maybe he's famous to other people, but I don't watch the Food Network. Everyone claps, until they all realize nobody else knows who he is either. Turns out he's on Same Name, that show whose promos I've been ignoring during the commercial breaks for this show for the past three weeks, and he got to switch places with someone who has his name. Long, awkward pause. "What's your name?" they ask him, which is the most naked show of backhanded interest in another human being I've ever seen. Anyway, he's not saying. He just says that clues will be given until someone guesses who they're about.
The first clue is some soap and a pair of opera glasses ("fancy binoculars,") as Brendon calls them. Everyone's stumped except for stealth-genius Jordan, who thinks maybe the brand of soap is "Bay" and the opera glasses are for "watching," so... Baywatch? Then she asks Jeff who played Mitch Buchanan on that show and he tells her and she goes into the DR to guess David Hasselhoff. Meanwhile, Brendon tells Rachel it's stupid to guess on the first clue.
The second clue is a microphone stand in the kitchen, so now that everyone has narrowed it down to a singing soap star, Brendon guesses Michael C. Hall, who... can sing. Kind of a stretch, though. Brendon's annoyed that Rachel is helping Porsche, but when Porsche guesses Michael Jackson, it's obvious what kind of help Rachel is giving. Adam guesses Ricky Martin and Lawon guesses Barbara Streisand. When the horn for the third clue goes off, someone walks in wearing a full suit of armor and carrying a lifeguard's rescue can. Jeff guesses "Mike Knight," which is not as far off as it seems. Rachel guesses Kiera Knightley, and Porsche guesses Brian McKnight. Jeff guesses Christopher Walken, I don't know why. Because the knight is Walken through the house? Dominic guesses both John Stamos and Mark Wahlberg. The knight walks out, and they hear an engine revving outside. KITT from Knight Rider is parked there, and out hops none other than David Hasselhoff, wearing a t-shirt that reads "Don't Hassel the Hoff." "You're the first person we've seen in about a month," Daniele says, forgetting the other David Hasselhoff and the medic from last week who rescued Kalia from beneath Lawon. Hasselhoff is in the Diary Room over the subtitle identifying him simply as "The Hoff," saying that he appreciated the warm welcome he got until he realized they hadn't seen anyone else in a long time. He's clearly not a fan of this show, because he doesn't know they have to share bedrooms, co-ed. They even make him lie down on one of the Have-Not beds. Hasselhoff announces Jordan as the winner of the competition, and says she gets to have three guests with her in the HoH room to enjoy a nice meal and watch Same Name. Kind of a good news/bad news thing, there. Jordan picks Jeff, Shelly, and Kalia. Rachel and Brendon both look deeply put out. "What is going on in your head, girl?" Rachel whines in the DR. Oh, the usual. Hasselhoff says to his wrist, "KITT, get me out of here." Can I come? KITT has a shotgun seat, right?
Hasselhoff joins the lucky four up in the HoH room, where there's a nice spread of sushi and champagne. Hasselhoff displays his (entirely respectable) ignorance of this show some more by asking what they do all day. "It gets a little monotonous," Jeff admits, which is a nice way of saying "nothing."
Downstairs, Brendon is actually blaming Rachel for helping people answers, as though "Michael Jackson" is what tipped the scales. She downplays it, and whines and cries about how he's always getting mad at her. He decides he wants out of this fight, as he always does ten seconds out of every fight he starts, and Rachel snaps, "Everyone already knows we're fighting! Because all we do is fight!" Again, when she's right she's right. Brendon actually threatens to leave if she can't be serious about the game. He also blames her for not being able to let go of stuff, which is pretty rich. He insists he wasn't yelling at her, but she shuts down, because they're completely dysfunctional. But at least when they're making each other miserable they aren't making other people miserable, right? Oh, except all the people watching, myself chief among them. Forgot about those folks.
The other new newbies and Daniele listen to them through the walls. Dominic accurately calls them sore losers, like "third-grade kids." Brendon keeps threatening to walk out of the game, and says Kalia and Shelly are getting Jeff and Jordan on their side right now, instead of Rachel and Brendon having this chance to further cement their alliance. Yes, I'm sure Jeff and Jordan would have felt so much closer to you two.
Upstairs, Hasselhoff takes his leave. In his final DR, he says he'd ally with Jeff and Jordan because they seem nice. Jordan explains to us in the DR that she didn't want to have Brendon and Rachel kissing the whole time, or thinking that she's sucking up because Rachel is HoH. Shelly offers to leave and let Rachel take her place, but while Jordan declines, Jeff says they'll save some food for her. Meanwhile, Brendon tells Rachel he's done fighting, he's so over fighting (so stop starting fights, asshat), and makes a terrifying rage-face as he says they should nominate Jeff and Jordan and make America hate them. Upstairs, the gang is enjoying the show (or pretending to) while Brendon and Rachel keep arguing about arguing. He says everyone warned them against coming back, but Rachel wanted to, so they did. Brendon says this isn't worth it. "And you wonder why people like Jeff and Jordan more than us," Rachel whines. How could anyone wonder that? More show-watching. Rachel whines about wanting her dream wedding, which is apparently why they're there: so they can win half a million dollars to pay for it. The people upstairs finish watching the show, and Shelly even gets teary over it. I'm going to assume that's because she misses her own family. Brendon is similarly weepy, thinking Rachel's going to walk out on him. Like that's not the best thing that could happen to both of them.
Dominic, with exquisitely bad timing, decides to wade into this to tell them how much he wants to play with them. "There's no other option for me other than on your side." Brendon warns that he and Rachel are targets, and Dominic kind of is too, after wining that PoV last week. "Well, everyone thinks that Jeff and Jordan are just so sweet and nice," Rachel whines, apropos of nothing. Brendon proposes him and Rachel working with Dominic and Daniele. Rachel vents her spleen about the whole conflict last week over the nominations, when HoH Jordan didn't do Rachel's bidding. "That was their first strike. This is their second strike." Dominic listens to her bitch, but he's in. I'm thinking Cassi had a better handle on things.
Dominic then goes and wakes up Daniele from her nap to give her an update. She says everyone is stupid, and he reminds her. You're the Donato. You need to do some damage." She asks him if he'd ever nominate Jeff and Jordan, and he says that he'd rather backdoor them. They agree that they need to get Brendon and Rachel to turn on Jeff and Jordan. Got their work cut out for them, don't they?
So Daniele gets right to work on that, going up to HoH after the party and talking to Brendon and Rachel about how dumb it was for Jordan to leave them out. Daniele pushes the exact right button, saying she gets how Brendon and Rachel are "scared" to go after Jeff and Jordan. Brendon is still trying to keep Rachel cool, but they're both giving it some serious thought.
Just as Daniele is leaving, Jeff comes in, all "What's up?" As Daniele leaves and Jeff sits down, it's pretty tense in there. Jeff wants to be sure Brendon and Rachel are cool -- or at least pretending to be cool, which they are. Jeff says if they were going after Brendon and Rachel it would have been last week, and they all agree that they have to stay together. Jeff DRs about how you have to be careful when dealing with Rachel's ego, which is like saying you have to be careful when you're fighting a school of angry piranhas.
It's nomination day. Adam says he hopes he made his case to Rachel, but if he's nominated, he's probably not the target anyway. It's cute how Adam lives in his own imaginary Big Brother house where anybody gives a shit about him at all. Speaking of targets, Dominic says he did what he could and hopes Rachel believes him. Lawon says he knows what he has to do to stay in the house. Is it what he's been doing? Or is that something different? I really can't tell. Jeff says that Rachel is an "emotional roller coaster." Rachel says this nomination is a "pivotal point" in the game. She says she doesn't trust anyone and needs to play strategically. First time for everything.
When she convenes the nomination ceremony, Brendon is of course automatically safe, as are Daniele, Porsche, and Shelly with their Golden Keys. The first duo revealed as safe is Jeff and Jordan, so any inter-veteran drama is at least temporarily forestalled. Daniele looks more tense than any of the other potential nominees. Kalia and Lawon are also safe, which means Adam and Dominic are the nominees. Rachel says it's "purely strategic; I have to look out for myself and my alliance." That's it. Adam DRs that he and Dominic are up for the second week in a row. He says he's been assured that he's not the target, but isn't entirely convinced. Dominic says he knew he had a 50% chance of being nominated, and is hopeful that after the "deal" he made he's up as a pawn. Daniele slowly DRs that if Adam and Dominic win the PoV, "It might be in my best interest to try to get rid of a really strong player this week." Oh, so cagey, as the editors give us a shot of Jeff and Jordan. Rachel says that she needs to win the veto so she can have all the control, because she's planning a big move. And also because Rachel always needs to be in control of everything, always. Not that she says that last part, except with her crazy-ass eyes.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.