Julie's frumpy, sleeveless safari dress is double-take-worthy enough, but is that a cape hanging from the back? The previouslies remind us that events have conspired to put Cassi and Shelly on the block this week, those events being Dominic's victory at the PoV competition, Rachel's irrational hatred of Cassi, and Jordan's general lack of cojones. Julie goes through it all again after the previouslies, and says we'll see whether it's Cassi or Shelly who goes home (as if we don't already know). But first!
Flashback to the Veto meeting, where Jordan (wearing the same black sleeveless romper outfit she wore to the finale two years ago, I think) replacement-nominated Shelly and Cassi, to Rachel's obvious glee. So now it's Day 17. Shelly thinks she's safe, but on the other hand, there's a good chance her best friend in the house will go home this week. Cassi sees it the same way. Dominic's feeling guilty about his role in getting Cassi ousted, while Rachel gloats in the DR, "In the end, I always get my way." No wonder America hates her. Jordan DRs that she didn't want to do it, but this is what her alliance wanted.
Shelly, meanwhile, is racked by guilt over the possibility that her decision to vote with the veterans to oust Keith last week may have led, however indirectly, to Cassi's eviction. In the Have-Not room, Shelly tells Cassi to campaign, but Cassi seems to have already admitted defeat. They call each other Thelma and Louise, even though only one of them is going off the cliff.
Up in the HoH room, Jeff doesn't get why Jordan's upset, and keeps assuring her that she's a good person. They just hope that Rachel doesn't flip on them soon. Emphasis on soon, because it's going to happen some time or another and they both know it.
Later, Shelly is crying to Kalia and Daniele about how bad she feels, particularly having lied on TV while her kid is watching. She's also struggling with whether she should confess to Cassi.
Cassi asks for a one-on- one with Rachel, basically to just ask her what the fuck is up. Rachel says she was offended by Cassi's remark about Porsche, but she doesn't have anything valid beyond that, although she claims that she's heard stories about Cassi being after the veterans. Cassi doesn't think that should set her apart, and accuses Rachel of wanting her out just for being female. Rachel blows her off, insulting her gameplay -- again, without any examples. Cassi realizes this is a losing battle, getting up and saying, "You're catty. You really are." She says she was a fan of Rachel last year, but now she gets why everyone (read: Ragan) treated her that way. "You're a catty, catty girl. Ugly person inside." Rachel is left sitting there with her mouth hanging open, then storms off through the house. Then she goes and cries to Jordan about how mean Cassi is. Rachel's a classic bully, happy to put other people down but crumpling the minute anyone takes a poke at her. Jordan, God bless her, shuts Rachel down and tells her she "comes across" as bitchy, because Jordan is too nice (or too self-preserving) to call Rachel a bitch to her face. Rachel keeps crying and whining, and as Daniele joins the conversation and Brendon comes through to use the shower, Daniele advises Rachel to let Cassi keep going, and make herself look bad. Brendon tells Rachel not to worry about it, since Cassi is going home anyway.
morning, Cassi buttonholes Brendon in the kitchen and says she would have stuck to the deal she made with the veterans, which is easy to say now. Brendon says they didn't trust her, and Cassi makes one of those swearing-on-your-family vows that instantly makes Brendon think she's lying, and he says, "That's not a deal. That's Big Brother." In other words, you got played, tough shit. As Cassi starts to get upset, Brendon just gets more pissed off, and Cassi gives up on him too. Which she probably should have done before talking to him in the first place. Like, literally, ever.
Time for the group Chenterview via the living room viewscreen. Shelly is wearing a pale ball gown with one shoulder strap, but the wicked tan line on her bare shoulder evens things out. Julie plays them some clips from the Have/Have-Not competition, like they didn't see it the first time. She remarks on Kalia's moment of panic, and Kalia says she's fine now, and appreciates everyone's support. Julie asks Adam about the PoV competition, and of course Adam is grateful to Dominic for saving them both. Cassi, from across the room? Not so much. Julie turns to Rachel to ask her "what happened" after the PoV competition. Rachel admits that she sometimes has a big mouth, but she and Jeff and Jordan are fine now. Of course.
Then we get to visit Adam's hangout bar in Hoboken, NJ. We meet his girlfriend Fara. We also see that he used to weigh 300 pounds, as shown in old photos and even his sweaty BB12 audition tape, but Fara says the hope of getting on Big Brother helped motivate Adam to lose over a hundred pounds. We also see other houseguests quizzing him on Big Brother history, and Fara calls him a "Big Brother scholar," which are three words one doesn't hear together very often." Dominic gets boos during the staged viewing party in Adam's bar, and Fara says that Dominic doesn't know what he's doing.
So now to "Dominic's friend's house" in San Carlos, California. That viewing party includes Dana, Dominic's "best friend." She calls his mother "sheltering" and "controlling," which, so much for Dominic's mom hosting any viewing parties, and says this is Dominic's first time away from home. She adds that he understands women despite being a 25-year-old virgin, and kids herself that Dominic is only pretending to flirt with Daniele. As for his partnership with Adam, she thinks they're a "powerhouse." We also see a little clip where Adam suggested a team name for himself and Dominic: "PB&J, "for "Pretty Boy and Jew." Okay, then.
Private HoH Chenterview with Jordan in the HoH room. Julie asks how she and Jeff feel about playing with Brendon and Rachel after this week's blow-up, and Jordan basically says it's fine for now. Julie asks why Jordan didn't put up Rachel and Brendon like she thought about doing. Jordan says it was too early, and the other one of them would have stayed and come after her, breaking up her alliance for good. Like Jordan can't just ally with whoever she wants. A viewer has asked when Jordan and Jeff are going to get married and have kids, and Jordan says they have to start living in the same state first. She's so traditional. And that's it from Jordan.
Julie switches back over to the living room viewscreen and gives Cassi and Shelly a chance to plead their cases. Cassi goes first, basically talking about how awesome some people in the house are, especially Shelly, and she's glad to have been there at all. Shelly warns them that the people they meet climbing the ladder, they'll also meet coming down, like this is a corporate retreat or something. She returns the compliment to Cassi and sits down, and Julie starts sending the houseguests into the DR to vote. Not counting Jordan and the nominees, there'll be nine voters.
Unsurprisingly, Rachel, Brendon, and Jeff vote to evict Cassi. So does Adam, unhappily, and even Dominic doesn't want to risk a sympathy vote, so Cassi's officially done. Danielle, Kalia, Lawon, and Porsche make it unanimous; in a vote so lacking in suspense it didn't even merit a commercial break. That happened here instead.
When we come back, Cassi and Shelly are holding hands in the nominee chairs like they're the front seat of a 1966 Ford Thunderbird convertible. Julie "breaks" the "news" that Cassi has been evicted, and Shelly has earned her Golden key, making her a lock for the top ten. Not that that's such a huge prize when there are only eleven people left in the house. Everyone hugs Cassi goodbye, especially Shelly, and they see her out the door, though not without some prompting from Julie that she needs to leave already. While she and Julie are getting set up out in the studio, most people inside the house are offering their sympathies to Shelly, although Brendon is whispering something in Jeff's ear and somebody's mic is live while they're in the bathroom. Turns out it's Rachel, as we hear Brendon asking who's in there. Yes, America just heard Rachel pee. She always gets her way, but at what price?
Julie asks Cassi about her final plea that sounded more like a farewell speech. Cassi talks about how she didn't want to say anything against Shelly and she knew she was going home anyway, for "personal reasons." Julie asks her to say more about that, and Cassi just says a couple of girls "weren't a big fan of mine." "Was it jealousy because you're just so damn pretty?" Julie asks, almost seriously. Cassi sort of dodges the question, and Julie asks if she regrets sticking with the newbies early on. Cassi thinks a newbie alliance would have happened anyway, and starts to talk more about that, but time's up; Julie cuts her off by saying she was honest and going to the farewell messages.
Jordan says she's sorry to see Cassi leave, and she couldn't turn against her alliance, putting it down to jealousy. Speaking of which, Rachel calls Cassi the worst game player ever. As for Cassi's accusation that she doesn't like girls, Rachel insists, I just don't like you." Or any other girl who doesn't kiss her ass. Dominic tells her that she's better than anyone else in the house. Shelly gives her a heartfelt goodbye, but doesn't confess to voting against Keith. "See you soon," is all she says. And that's it for Cassi.
Back from the ads, the studio audience has been joined by the Zingbot 3000, proudly holding up a sign that reads "Comic-Con Or Bust." Aw, Zingbot! Julie announces the HoH competition. In the backyard, there's a big mouse and mouse-pad, and four women on the sidelines: outgoing HoH Jordan, and the three Golden Key holders Daniele, Porsche, and Shelly. Everyone else is in game-show cubicles positioned inside a frame designed to look like a giant computer monitor, because the game is called "Big Brother Online." It's one of those things where they have to guess how America answered some opinion questions on CBS.com about the houseguests, emphasis on guessing. The questions begin. Everyone unanimously guesses that America would rather get mouth-to-mouth from Jeff than Brendon, and after Jeff gives a sardonic little fist-pump, the question is about who's more likely to pee in the pool: Adam or Kalia. That's another no-brainer, and Adam waves his devil-horns. Everyone but Kalia thinks America believes Porsche would be more likely to steal someone's lover than Rachel would, so Kalia's out. And Rachel's going to make it a tough week for her, I suspect. Everyone but Jeff thinks Brendon is more likely to save someone from a burning building than Shelly, so he's out too. Jeff and Kalia are both going to be in the doghouse now. As for who America would rather see in a bikini all summer, the remaining newbies all vote for Porsche, while Brendon and Rachel say Daniele. So with Adam, Dominic, and Lawon out, either Brendon or Rachel is going to be HoH this week. There is no best-case scenario here. They both get the question wrong (apparently America would rather cheat off of Jordan in a test than Lawon, in which case America deserves the grade it'll get), but they disagree on whether America thinks Adam or Dominic is more likely to go bananas in the house. Rachel guessed Adam, so she's HoH again. God, she's going to be so insufferable this week. You know, like she is every other week. Brendon's also safe for the week, and of course this is the third week in a row that the veterans get to run the house. Whatever happens, it's going to be five veterans and five newbies in the house at this time week. Rachel's still hugging everyone when we go to ads, but we'll see how long that lasts.
After the last break, everyone's back in the living room so Rachel can tell Julie how excited she is to be HoH again. Julie asks Shelly how it feels to be safe for the week. Shelly says it's great, but her Golden Key is also a golden key to the fridge: "I haven't eaten for a week." After signing off with them, Julie says that on Sunday, Rachel will be nominating another duo for eviction (for whatever petty little bug gets up her ass between now and then), and a mystery celebrity guest will be surprising the houseguests. Someone who has something to plug, no doubt. I'm hoping it's Olivia Wilde to flog Cowboys & Aliens and everyone mistakes her for Cassi. Julie also says the PoV will happen on Wednesday's episode, and during week's live eviction, there'll be a "change in the game," like we don't all know that the couples will be over. Can it be a coincidence that the Golden Keys will expire at the same time?
In the final eavesdropping segment, Porsche is thanking Kalia and Dominic for voting for her as America's bikini girl. Biggest night of Porsche's life, I'm thinking. We also see the veterans in one of the bedrooms, but they're so bleeped we don't hear anything they're saying except something about washing the bedding. Which, now that I think about it, make me really glad they got bleeped.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.