Lane nominated Ragan and Enzo, which doesn't bother Hayden any -- in the DR, he just figures he'll be in the final four when Ragan goes, exactly as planned. I'm sure his ally Enzo would find his concern touching. Lane agrees that Ragan will beat him if he sticks around, and it's just Enzo's turn to be the pawn. Again. Enzo, still in his penguin suit in the Diary Room, complains that maybe Lane's in a secret alliance with Britney. Well, if he is, it's not that secret, and if it were, Enzo's not really in a position to get all judgy about secret alliances, is he? Ragan has correctly concluded that he's the target, being all alone in the house. Enzo talks to him about it, wearing his sunglasses while commiserating about their respective nominations. Ragan DRs that at least he knows that Enzo's the low man on the totem pole in the other alliance that he's not supposed to know about and has for some reason been continuing to keep to himself. Points to him for not abandoning his theory of the alliance of dudes, at least.
Time for Enzo to "shun" the penguin suit, which he does with full ceremony in the backyard in front of everyone, which is the most non-competition excitement they've had in months. Hayden DRs how Enzo beat the curse of being on the block with a costume. I'm sure Enzo would throw the costume in the pool or even torch it if Big Brother didn't want it back, to inflict on someone else for some more non-comedy year.
Ragan "studies" the memory wall, presumably to do well in one of those distorted-face challenges that always seem to come up in this time of the season. "Studying" includes commenting to himself on Kathy's tarantula eyes, Kristen's chipmunk cheeks, and Andrew's beady eyes. He feels like he has to win by himself, and has even begun pumping iron. Getting ready for anything, clearly, but if his goal is to outweigh Lane, Hayden, or Enzo, he probably should have started earlier. Like in 2003.
PoV competition, and with only five people left there's of course no nonsense with selecting the players. They go outside to find a ramp, several mudpits, and a giant singing clam named Otev. There are also CDs scattered around the yard with handwritten labels on them. Otev -- who was voiced by Casey last year, if memory serves -- will sing a song about two houseguests, and then they'll have to find CDs with the names of those two houseguests combined, and then deliver them up the slippery ramp to Otev. Anyone who brings the wrong CD or gets back last is eliminated in that round. Ragan's motivated to win to save himself, and so is Britney, because she knows she's likely to be a replacement nominee. And Enzo's driven to win too, because there's a first time for everything.
In the first round, it looks like Ragan is out because he's the last one back, but Lane got the wrong CD (the genius seems to have thought Rachel was the one who had the Diamond PoV), so Lane's out and Ragan's still in it. "I hate you clam, Hamburglar, whatever you are," Lane DRs. Hayden is wiped out in the round, leaving it down to Enzo, Britney, and Ragan, and Lane's rooting for Britney so the nominations don't change. Britney loses the round, and diagnoses it as a "suckfest." Lane agrees that it's the worst-case scenario for him, because now he'll have to replacement-nominate one of his two best friends in the house, now that it's just down to the two nominees in the PoV competition. This calls for a commercial!
And in the round, as soon as Otev sings the clue, Enzo dives down the ramp, crashing into Ragan and plowing over him on his way to the CD that he already knows where to find. "If you guys don't slow-motion what happened, I'm not talking to you any more," Britney threatens the producers, and then narrates it anyway as the carnage is replayed in slo-mo. "It was so great!" she crows. Enzo delivers his CD to the one remaining spot, and Ragan's so pissed he hurls his CD at the clam -- and it bounces off and hits Enzo in the noggin. So Enzo won the PoV, and Ragan's out. And probably not just out of this one competition, either. Enzo celebrates, even wanting to jabber to Ragan about which one of them wanted it more (and I'm sure it had nothing to do with which one of them weighs a buck-nothing), but Ragan just wants to be left alone. He will be soon enough. "It's gonna be a lonely week," he narrates to himself after retreating to a bedroom.
Meanwhile, Enzo complains about what a sore loser Ragan is and boasts about his one victory. "Not losing no more," he keeps repeating. Later, Britney acts all friendly with Hayden, even pretending to be excited for Enzo's unprecedented victory. Hayden pretends that he thinks Lane will nominate him, while Britney remarks that this is probably the safest week to be a pawn. Can we stop watching them try to outcool each other yet?
Britney goes up to the HoH room to get a sense of what Lane's going to do. He tries to keep it light, but she's in no mood. Meanwhile, Enzo and Hayden talk about the possibility of backdooring Britney. Well, okay, I guess it's up to you guys. Didn't you want to get rid of Ragan before he outed your alliance? To the one other person in the house who isn't in your alliance? If they don't get rid of Ragan this week, he's going to blab about the Brigade to the whole...uh...Brigade.
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Everyone hangs out in the backyard speculating on what the punishment from Lane's Pandora's Box will be. And when they go inside, there's a big hatbox with a card telling them that for the twelve hours, they all have to use sock puppets when they speak. Failure to comply makes the whole house Have-Nots for the week. But at least the sock puppets are customized to each houseguest, including a little palooka-hat and whiskers on Enzo's "Meow-Meow " puppet. This would be funnier if they didn't also have to do it in the DR.
More Brigade gloating and Ragan pouting. Ragan christens his sock puppet "Wilson," like the volleyball in Castaway, and the two of them lie in the hammock and cry together.
Britney and Lane try to educate Enzo on golf. He doesn't get it, and keeps forgetting to waggle his sock puppet while he talks as he gets more agitated in his ignorance, but they make it to twelve hours anyway without anyone getting called out. And Britney tries to be funny in the DR with her sock puppet. Whatever.
Britney steps up to be the one person in the house who cleans, now that Kathy and Brendon are gone. Just the crap she throws away in the kitchen is enough to fill the giant trash bin is full to overflowing by the time Hayden wanders in to wheel it away for her, like the gentleman he is.
Third punishment: they're all going to have to dance whenever music plays. Starting now. These punishments are lame, dude. We get to see a whole montage of this, like it's a version of The Sims but with worse character AI. Enzo is even interrupted during a complaint to the DR about it. Of course, they're all awful dancers. They even have to get up and dance in the middle of the night in the night-vision cameras, until the twelve hours are up some time after three in the morning. Now they can get back to sleep. And join me.
Lane and Hayden hang out back, filled with existential ennui until Lane sends a jolt through the space by asking Hayden if he's okay going up. He wants to protect Britney from any stupid ideas the rest of the Brigade might be getting -- Which Hayden DRs they already have.
Lane then goes to Britney (actually waking her up) to talk about nominating her. She's not playing, and says that she's planning to take him to the final two. She asks if Lane would take Hayden instead of her, and warns him that Hayden would get more votes from the jury house. Lane's feelings are hurt, and decides to go back to sleep. But in the DR, he seems to have heard what she's saying.
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Pre-veto, Enzo thinks Lane needs to replacement-nom Britney, because Brigade Uber Allies and all that. Hayden's nervous about being the pawn, saying that with only two votes for this week's eviction, some deals could be made and he could go home. Britney is also worried about Hayden and Enzo turning on her if she goes up. Nothing from Ragan, because I think we know what's going on in his head by now.
Enzo convenes the veto meeting, and vetoes himself. Lane is called upon to name a replacement nominee, and he starts with a big speech about how much it sucks to have to nominate a third person after already nominating two. And up goes Hayden. Enzo adjourns the meeting, visibly annoyed. Still keeping that alliance secret, I see. Although not as secret as Lane, who's really going above and beyond in maintaining their cover.
In the final Diary Room thoughts, Hayden is worried about being up against a desperate Ragan. Britney is happy about being Lane coming through for her and guaranteeing her a spot in the final four. Ragan speculates that there may be "fractures, divisions, cracks" in the alliance, and he's out to exploit them. And Lane DRs, "The Brigade has no clue." I'd accuse him of underestimating Enzo and Hayden, if such a thing were possible. He says he's in it for the half million, "And my best chance of that is Britney to me." He may or may not be wrong, but if Hayden makes it through tomorrow, I think he might be sitting to Britney earlier than he expects. Like, at week's eviction ceremony.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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