We join the surfboard-based endurance HoH competition already in progress, and after basically canvassing all the participants in the Diary Room about why they want to win (because they do, duh), we flash back to Monet's eviction on Thursday. Matt is insufferably smug in the DR, once again repeatedly using the word "orchestrate" when he means "failed to commit suicide despite all my best efforts." Brendon explains that he voted Monet out because that's how the house was voting and doing otherwise would have been dangerous. And now they'll all like him, right? Lane comments on Monet's lightning-fast exit, and Matt thanks the house, "Except for two of you who can ____." Kathy is unrepentant about voting for Matt, even though Matt totally knows Kathy was the other vote to keep Monet along with Britney.
Back to the HoH competition, which is pretty uncomfortable for everyone, with all the fake wind and cold water pouring down on them on and off, while they stand on moving surfboards sticking out of a wall. We're reminded that the first five people out will be haves, and of the five that remain, only the ultimate winner of the HoH competition will not be a Have-Not. Kathy DRs that she's sucked at a lot of competitions, and plans to continue doing that to "fly under the radar." Down she goes, and she's out. Lane follows her into the pool before she even climbs out, because now he's safe from the calumny of being the first one out. Okay, Lane.
Only 17 minutes and forty seconds have passed. Kristen falls , and I think that's probably the last thing we'll see Kristen do this week (getting done does not count). Hayden is the to fall, and he claims in the DR that he threw it so as to not make any more enemies. I don't know, Hayden is starting to have kind of a dangerous number of friends. Britney quits , taking the last Haves spot. That leaves Enzo, Ragan, Andrew, Brendon, and Matt, which means they'll all be Have-Nots except the one who wins HoH. There is some making fun of Andrew's shorts. Matt jokes around, trying to psych people out. After a while, Enzo's right leg gives out and he goes down. That leaves only Matt to represent the Brigade, for those of you who are concerned about their fortunes. Brendon is starting to weaken, probably because of that stupid half-crouch he's in, and as he begins to wobble -- ads!
But the commercials didn't save him, and he goes down hard, leaving Ragan, Andrew, and Matt up there. He's pretty upset with himself. It's been an hour, and the bargaining begins, which is always my least favorite part of these endurance-based HoH competitions. Just tough it out, losers! Ragan gives Andrew a promise that he won't nominate him if he wins HoH. No such offer to Matt, who doesn't fail to notice being snubbed.
At the hour-twenty mark, the boards disappear almost all the way into the wall. And it happens again at ninety minutes, which is when Andrew goes down. Ragan asks everyone for the yard so he can talk privately with Matt. Ragan DRs that he trusts Matt, and offers to give him the competition. Matt says he's in it for the long haul, and Ragan says that if he quit smoking cold turkey after eighteen years, he can do this. Hell, it seems like quitting smoking would have been easier with cold water being dumped on him. If nothing else, it would have been impossible to keep the fuckers lit.
Everyone comes back out, and it's been almost two hours now. The water and wind are still going intermittently, but not much else is happening. Finally, at 2:15:48, the boards get real short and Ragan topples off, making Matt HoH for the week. The Brigade celebrates inside their heads. Brendon and Rachel are pretty miserable, so they react by going off to be alone, which should endear them to everyone. Brendon tells Rachel to keep it together until nominations, which, given how this episode is paced, won't be long.
Rachel approaches Matt to talk to him, and he's not letting her off the hook for calling him out last week. Laughing but not looking at her, he says that he held up his end of the deal, but she didn't. He's got a point there; all he did "wrong" was act pissed off about being nominated, which any nominee would have. Not to have done so would have been fishy. He tells Rachel that he's not with anyone but himself and his wife, which Rachel interprets as, "Goodbye, Rachel." But I think that's more because it's All About Rachel than anything Matt is trying to say.
Britney and Enzo compare accents, which kills the time until Matt announces his HoH room. "Feign excitement, everybody," he reminds them. Okay, that's actually awesome. Matt reads them the letter from his wife, who is clearly playing along with Matt's strategy of pretending that she's sick. So that's everyone rooting for Matt now. Except me, obviously.
Brigade meeting up in the HoH. Enzo declares that Brendon and Rachel have to go, and it makes perfect sense for Matt to get back at them for calling him out. But Matt secretly has it out for Kathy, because she voted for him to leave. Can't let that go, you know. Hayden leaves the meeting early to crawl into bed with Kristen. They both agree they have to be careful, and would do anything to keep each other safe. Including, in Hayden's case, screwing over the Brigade. Speaking of whom, they're beginning to suspect something's up with the two of them. But not a showmance -- rather, as the people who have that lifelong friendship the saboteur alluded to back in the mists of time. They even think Hayden and Kristen look alike, which is pretty gross if you go too far down that road. Which, since the editors keep cutting back to Hayden and Kristen making out in night vision, I think we're expected to go down that road. Enzo DRs that charming expression, "Bros before hos." Back in the HoH room, they start talking long-term about what Kristen means for the future of the Brigade, when it's the four of them and Kristen. Yeah, like that's going to happen. BTW, if that happens, kill me.
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Rachel cuts Brendon's hair while writhing around in his lap. Pretty sure that happened the first week, because I think I see Annie in the background. Andrew helps out by vacuuming the floor around them. He also interrupts them making out in the bed, and DRs about how awkward it is for him. Not that that stops him from doing it. Rachel jokes that Andrew is the third person in the relationship, and says all they can do is ignore him. Fortunately, they have the commitment it takes to do just that.
One morning, Lane and Britney hang out in the kitchen, watching Brendon and Rachel in the backyard and supplying their own dialogue, which is probably more interesting than the real thing. Lane DRs that he's role-played before, mostly with cows and horses. Wait, what?
Later, the Have-Nots are speculating on what the non-slop option will be for the this week, and all their guesses prove optimistic because they're getting baby food and bok choy. Which makes Ragan feel like "what comes out of the other end of a baby." Andrew's just happy to have a kosher option.
Andrew and Rachel have a meeting with Matt in the HoH room, and he's not letting their "house meeting" go. Rachel admits she "made mistakes," but Matt says he has no reason not to put them up. So he makes them an offer to not put them up in return for them not putting him up the week. Rachel says she doesn't know if she can trust him, which makes no sense; he's the one who has to not nominate them first. What's he going to do if they refrain from nominating him week? Go back in time and nominate him this weekend? Because that would totally blow his cover as a non-diabolical super-genius.
Matt's meeting, that night, is with Andrew, whom he tells that he's far less obnoxious than he was his first week. He says that Andrew has rehabbed his personality. Matt says he may nominate Andrew, but not because he wants him gone. Andrew wonders in the DR why Matt doesn't just nominate the people he wants gone, and Matt explains in the DR, "When you're a diabolical super-genius like me, you don't always go with the obvious." So he's going to keep us in suspense for a while. Or, more accurately, "suspense."
Pre-nominations, Brendon says he's not going to give Matt power by worrying about the nominations "He's three and a half feet tall." Excellent point. In that case, perhaps his nominations won't count. Andrew says he doesn't get it, but if he nominates Andrew it may blow up in his face. Rachel says she feels some hope, but still doesn't trust Matt. Whatever, she can't do anything for him now anyway. Kathy is worrying about blowback from her vote to get rid of Matt, but says it would be a mistake. Matt claims to be thinking long-term as he loads the key box, and then it's time for nominations.
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Safe this week are Ragan, Kristen, Hayden, Enzo, Lane, Britney, Rachel (!), and Brendon (!!), which makes Kathy and Andrew the nominees. Matt tells her she sucks at competitions, has no social game, and voted against him. As for Andrew, he says he suspects Andrew of gunning for him. And you know, Matt has NO ALLIANCES, EVERYONE.
Kathy DRs that Matt's being stupid, because he has bigger targets than her. Andrew says it's a stupid plan, and it's going to blow up in Matt's face like TNT. Whatever, Andrew packs all the explosive punch of Mentos and Coke, only it's Mentos gum. Enzo says Matt had better have a backdoor plan. And Matt says this is all going according to his plan, and he may backdoor Brendon or Rachel if someone wins PoV. Wow, diabolical super-geniuses are so unpredictable.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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