We spend a great deal of time going over how it came about that Kevin, Jordan, and Natalie are in the final three, and will all stay in the house until Tuesday's live two-hour finale. Which is kind of odd considering none of it has anything to do with what we're going to see tonight. On the bright side, most of what we're about to see is stuff we've already recapped, so at least I don't have to recap it again.
Everyone comes downstairs, still in their clothes from Thursday night's live show, to discover a marvelous feast laid on for them in the dining room, complete with champagne. After a foam toast, they sit down and commence their highly scripted reminiscences. Jordan kicks things off by remembering that there were originally 12 people in the house, until they learned that a 13th would be joining them. That triggers a flashback to Jessie's entrance on Day 1. It's edited down to even more concentrated levels of obnoxiousness, although we do get to re-enjoy Kevin's dismayed reaction. Back at the dinner, Natalie says she liked Jessie, but Kevin and Jordan now feel free to talk about Jessie's narcissism. We get an illustration of that from Day 26, when he got into bed with Natalie and Lydia to boast at length about his awesomeness until they fell asleep. And then he had the nerve to feel sorry for himself about their lack of interest. Jessie did have a big cross to bear, didn't he? And he was happy to tell you about all the muscles he used to carry it.
Then they move on to Casey, and the banana suit he had to wear for his last week in the house. Nothing new there. Kevin then brings up Ronnie, and how he played "hard and fast." Of course, Russell becomes the star of Ronnie's clip package, during which we get to re-watch Russell tormenting Ronnie by following him around and taunting him. Nothing new there, either. Natalie says they're just jealous because Ronnie played them. And now it looks like we are going to get something new: namely a fight between Kevin and Ronnie on Day 30 that we didn't previously see. We flash back to Kevin complaining about Ronnie to Natalie, Chima, Michele and Lydia, with Natalie coming to Ronnie's defense and Ronnie eavesdropping. That is, until he came in and called Kevin out as a liar, at which point Kevin got in his face and screamed at him. Afterward, Ronnie wept pathetically to Chima, saying, "Nothing has hurt my feelings in this game until now." He even claims that Kevin's going to have to apologize for that on finale night. I think this will prove as accurate as Ronnie's other predictions.
After an ad break, Natalie asks when Jordan started liking Jeff. She says it was early on, and suddenly we're in Day 18, listening to Jeff and Jordan talking about what animal they would want to be (eagle and koala or pretty fish or squirrel or inside dog, respectively). Awesomely, after hearing Jordan's empty-headed musings, Jeff asks her, "What aspirations do you have for yourself?" Back in the present, Kevin brings up the unlikely couple of Jessie and Lydia, which is the wrong thing to say in front of Natalie. She points out that one person stalking another does not a couple make. Kevin admits that that relationship was a little more one-sided than Jeff and Jordan's. To prove it, we get to re-see Lydia sneaking into the HoH room to watch Jessie sleep on Day 23 and acting like a big creepy weirdo. Think she's still watching him sleep in the jury house?
Kevin brings the subject back to Jeff and Jordan, and when she says they were BFF, he asks, "With benefits?" Jordan's too discreet to answer, but Big Brother flashes us back to Day 36, when Russell instigated the dating conversation between Jordan and Jeff. You remember, that was when Jeff asked if she wanted to get married and they ended up engaged. It's just as sweetly dumb as before.
After the flashback, they've finished eating and have moved over to the memory wall so Natalie can talk about how Jeff's Coup d'Etat resulted in her worst week ever. Flashback to the night Jeff saved Lydia and Russell from nomination and nominated Natalie and Jessie in their place, resulting in Jessie's eviction. You've seen it already, so I'm not going over it again.
After a reminder of the clusterfuck America's Vote thingy, the final three have moved out to the backyard, and Kevin is trying to get Natalie to admit that the wake she and Chima and Lydia threw for Jessie was a little overboard. We get to see it again, and Kevin is wrong. It was totally overboard.
Then they go over to the garden, which is totally black and dead. This is simply an excuse to show a montage of Jeff playing the hot gardener, complete with porny music. After that, they've moved over to the porch sofa, where Kevin tries to fake Natalie into thinking a bug is near her, triggering a flashback of Natalie's dragonfly-initiated panic attack. Just as hilarious as before.
Kevin brings up the "Chima incident." Natalie defends her, saying people let things out in different ways. Kevin agrees, "She lets it out by throwing a $4,000 microphone into the Jacuzzi." Four thousand dollars? Seriously? And they still need subtitles that often? We get a replay of that whole situation, complete with Chima's ensuing unceremonious exit.
1 2 3 4
After the ads, things have moved to the swimming-pool room. I've always wondered how they had decent acoustics in there at all, if that's real tile on the walls. Now that I know they use $4,000 microphones, the mystery is solved. Anyway, we learn that Michele had a tendency to moan and groan in her sleep, as we see in a series of somewhat disturbing and rather embarrassing (for Michele, that is) clips. Jordan brings things back to her and Jeff, because of all the time they spent hanging out in there and because we haven't given them enough attention this hour. Kevin dubs them "Jordeff." Hysterical.
Back to Day 57, where Jordan asked to be taken to Hawaii, and Jeff said semi-jokingly that if they went, they were "doing it." We see a joint Diary Room interview of the two of them, where they talk about their first impressions of each other, which turned out to be wrong. They talk about how much they like each other, and then we see them in the hammock together, she asking to go to bed because she's sleepy. "Are we going to fool around?" he asks. No, she says. "Then forget it," he says. See how romantic they are?
Things move into the red room, and recall Lydia's drunken meltdown, which we get to see again and which is as enlightening as the first time around.
Casting notice for season. They sure have made it look enticing.
Ultimately, the final three are back in the living room, talking about how this game has brought out other sides of themselves, as shown by Jordan's going off on Russell the week of Russell's eviction. After that long clip, Jordan says she felt embarrassed about it afterwards. Ultimately, they agree that they're happy the three of them are left together, and have a group hug. In final DR interviews, Jordan says she deserves the win as opposed to others who played dirty. What, like the other two people in the final three who backstabbed her boyfriend? Natalie says that even though her fate is pretty much out of her hands, "I'm sorry, guys, but the half million dollars is mine." Only if she steals it. Kevin says being in the final three with the other two is nice and all, but, "I'm gonna cut a bitch to win Big Brother." [Classy! - Zach] Season finale on Tuesday. With two hours on the schedule, will it be even more padded than this was?
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see how vlogger Sean Crespo thinks they should reinvigorate the franchise in No Prior Knowledge!
1 2 3 4
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
1 2 3 4