Previously on Big Brother...well, the last time we met, it certainly seemed like either Dick or Daniele was halfway out the door, didn't it? Of course, it also seemed like burning people with cigarettes was grounds for reprimand. We were so young two weeks ago!
Also previously, Daniele's HOH reign ended up targeting Jen, which meant Dick once again targeted Jen, which then, as Voice-Over Guy helpfully reminds us, led to Jen flying off the handle, undertaking such sanity-defying activities as EATING TURKEY BURGERS! (Okay, but seriously, Jen: they're so dry! Eat some beef!) Then Jen went home and Jessica won HOH.
Credits. Pssst! People! Zach is still in the house! Look! In the bunny suit!
Flashbacky blue-and-white reminds us that Jen was, indeed, voted out, and some stupid people in the house were unseemly in their gloating about it. Dick DRs that he was thrilled to rid the house of a "cancer" such as Jen; meanwhile, we cut to a shot of Dick agitatedly tamping his pack of cigs on his wrist. I like to think we got a rogue editor right then whose message to the viewing public was: HA HA! Dick's gonna get cancer! I laugh with you, Mr. or Ms. Rogue Editor. Daniele regrets hugging Jen on the way out because Jen is gross. In her soul. We're also reminded that Amber asked Jen, on her way out, to tell Dustin "that thing I told you," and that Jen replied, "I will. Make sure you tell Jess." Jessica DRs that she kind of had an "oh shit" moment there, but nobody cares to elaborate as to what it actually meant. Eric continues to be awfully proud of his kiss-off to Jen on the way out the door, because sucking up to Dick feels almost exactly the same as people liking you.
We see, again, Jessica win HOH and then, hilariously, each of the remaining six houseguests are shown in their DR session saying how safe they feel with Jess as HOH. Eric? Feels safe. Dick? Daniele? Safe. Jameka? Safe. Zach? Safe. Amber? Safe. I suppose it is pretty obvious that Jess is going to nominate Jen and Kail because...oh. Well that's weird! Later, Eric and Jessica whisper in the oversized room. Eric thinks they should just take the evening for themselves and relax, but before that can segue into another round of the World's Shortest Romance, Jess starts talking about getting Amber nominated. Because: duh. Speaking of Our Lady of Sorrows, she and Jameka discuss how having Jessica as HOH is good for them. Jameka seems much more guarded with her enthusiasm, but God has apparently gone all Lacuna on Amber's brain because she totally thinks Jess will put D&D up. Dustin who? They both praise God for a bit, and the scene cuts away before any of that highly offensive church organ music starts playing.
Oh! Now it is time for the World's Shortest Romance. Still in the oversized room, Eric poses a question to Jess about being locked in a camera-free room with Eric for 30 minutes, and whether she's opt to choose to talk strategy or get biz-zay with the E-meister. Jessica giggles that she'd totally choose option B, but, like, they're not even looking at each other. It's like Jessica knows she should be flirting with a guy in the house, but since Eric's her only option, she can't really give it her all. Eric basically admits the "no better option" thing in the DR, calling Zach an "ogre" and Dick a "pervert." I'm not about to give Eric points for self-awareness when he's managed to so fully convince himself that America will think he's awesome if he just follows Dick around and yells at who Dick yells at, so this is all a bit of wasted effort. Eric has no game. Noted.
Who wants to see Jessica's HOH room? ...Yeah me neither. It's the same nothing that happens every week with this segment. Dick, clearly straining to be outrageously assholish, DRs that Jessica's cheerleading group is butt-ass ugly. He'd never rape their corpses, I guess.
Later, Jess and Amber finally get down to talking about that hush-hush secret Jen was talking about, and here it is. Are you ready? Eric has a girlfriend. In real life! Who he never told Jessica about! Though I guess he told Jen, because she knew and told Amber. So that's the big secret. LAME! Seriously. Jess DRs that this is troubling to her, because she hates liars and cheaters and if it's true, it potentially makes Eric a liar and a cheater, because he's all flirty-flirty with her. But...it's Eric and Jessica. Like any of us cares. Eric shows up and Amber tells him what Jen said, and Eric does that thing where he looks like he's about to puke through his eyeballs. If he were a cartoon character, steam would be whistling out of his collar at this point.
After the break, Eric and Amber sojourn to the yard where he tries to weasel out an explanation of this girl, Cheryl, who's he totally cares about and has feelings for, except how they're only on-again, off-again dating. I'm riveted, Eyebrows, let me tell you. He whinily tells Amber -- and then us via DR -- that he very much wants Jessica to know that he's being totally honest with her and "everything I've done in this house towards her has been true and genuine and with her best interests at heart." Except for that time he didn't talk to her for a day. And the part about him receiving secret instructions from the dipshit viewers about everything he says, does, or thinks in the house, up to and including that effing woobie. So then he tells his tale to Jess in the HOH room, and it's the most mush-mouthed explanation ever, about this "weird sort of lingering situation" with this girl who is not his girlfriend, even though she is, even though she's not, even though she might be but he doesn't want to say it out loud lest she materialize in the bathroom mirror or whatever the hell. Jess's response, via the DR? Ain't none of her business if Eric wants to cheat on this chick. In other words, if she sees Eric's tongue coming at her and fails to get out of the way, it's his own fault. There's a metaphor for their alliance in there somewhere. Also of note: this is all Jen's fault. Still. Seriously: "I was really disappointed to find out that Eric might have a girlfriend. Jen's such a bitch!"
The Ballad Of Dick And Daniele. Same shit as before: it's hard out here for an emotionally estranged daughter and her violently abusive dad. Dick keeps on telling her, at random and repeated intervals, to take her vitamins, because he saw on a TV commercial one time that that's what real parents do. Daniele bitches to Zach, who commiserates and acknowledges that her dad is, indeed, a royal fuckwad. My personal theory, and you're free to test it out as you see fit, is that Zach just might hate Dick more than anyone else in the house does. He's not overt about it at all, but it's there in every DR he has about Dick, every private conversation with Daniele, even his interactions with Dick himself; just this quiet, but very real, and very deep loathing of the man. I will freely admit that I will happily resort to reading wild and random subtext into this show in order to keep it interesting for these last few weeks, but this one I think is genuine.
So anyway, Dick and Daniele have another argument which boils down to the fact that Daniele never wanted to hash this stuff out with her dad on national television, if at all, and while she tends to forget about that stuff when her back's against the wall in the game, at times of rest like these, she remembers how much she doesn't want to be publicly associated with him. Dick repeatedly tries to win points off his daughter by saying that she's never accepted any responsibility for their estrangement, and he's always been there for her, and it was always her leaving him. Daniele's kind of torn between wanting to set the record straight -- he was not always there for her -- and not talking about any of this at all, and ultimately she decides that the happy medium in this situation is whining. Jess and Eric, from the HOH bed, eavesdrop and conclude that the argument has been trumped up for strategic purposes, though that's not elaborated upon and seems unlikely.
Jameka stops by the HOH to talk strategy with Jess. Jess notes that there are some definite threats left in the game (...but she won't be nominating any of them SPOILER). Jessica talks about whether she should put of Dick and/or Daniele, saying they are both huge threats and it would be nice to get rid of one of them. Wouldn't it, though, Jessica? Wouldn't it?
Luxury competition. It's their first one of the season, so everyone screams obnoxiously. Of course, this season, "luxury" could be interpreted as "not getting screamed at about getting raped in my asshole until I bleed" so I suppose the exuberance could be warranted. Jessica divides the teams into Boys vs. Girls (of...course) and then they get dressed up into their little outfits. Eric DRs that they looked like they were part of some big-time laundromat operation, though I think "extras in a Devo video" is more apt. Anyway, the backyard is filled with oversized faucets and tons of soapy foam, and the objective is to strip out of their clothes, turn them inside-out to reveal letters, and spell out words having to do with the game. Winning team gets a shopping spree. The girls are none too pleased about the getting naked aspects of the competition, but everyone seems to throw themselves into the game without much fuss. Dick wants to make sure we know that he doesn't think the naked girls are worth looking at anyway, especially gross disgusting Amber. I suppose it's easy to throw stones when you're Dick and your face, torso, and genitals all look similar enough that your naked body appears to be one giant homogenous mass of leathery, wrinkled flesh. Eric, for his part, assures us that none of the guys were checking out each other's packages. And, again, easy to say when it's Zach and Dick. The idea of Nick and Mike sitting at home while Homely, Sack-Face, and Runt strip down to their altogether is almost perverse. Like that Simpsons where the fire-fighters stood around looking useless while the Sea Captain and Moe and Milhouse's dad stunk up the bachelors auction. Long story short: the girls smoke the guys and win themselves a shopping spree, which is the usual "pile as many clothes on your person as possible in a minute" affair. Daniele tries her very best in the DR to make us hate her by saying that she got a lot more clothes than the other girls and she doesn't even feel bad about it. She and Jessica both independently arrive at the same hackneyed "I'm just a girl and shopping's the only thing I'm good at, so it paid off" line for their DR sessions, which is depressing. Daniele could have at least gone for the "my dad never bought me any clothes as a child" weepy gratitude angle, just to switch things up, but alas.
we have the Let's Fuck With Amber segment, wherein we learn that Amber believes she has the goods to be a model outside the house. Which is a big ol' softball across the plate for the show to display its nastier tendencies: we see footage of Amber stuffing her face, Amber looking less than rock-hard in her bikini, Amber red-faced and puffy after crying in the DR. She tells Jameka she thinks she has the stuff the girls on America's Top Model have, and honestly? Busted face, nose for dramatics, inability to derive meaning from relatively simple and common words? She totally does! Somebody call Tyra. I don't care if she's undercover at the Bunny Ranch, get her on the phone!
Strategy session. Zach makes his case to Jess and Eric in the HOH. He makes the fairly obvious point that allowing a rock-solid pair like D&D to make it to the final six intact is pretty scary indeed. He makes another fairly obvious point in that if Jess and Eric wanted to add him as their #3 -- and honestly, he's just as likely to be loyal to them as anyone else in the house save maybe Daniele -- they would make a formidable alliance to get to the end. All good points. Jess and Eric are noncommittal.
America's Choice. Eric opens the envelope and smugly tells us that "we" have chosen for him to target Amber. And, just like he was with Jen, Eric acts like we're all in on the same plan and that Amber so totally sucks and we're all super awesome for agreeing with him about that. He then says that Amber's a virtual lock for a nomination, so I guess that's more money in his pocket that he'll spend the twelve months spending furiously in the vain hope that other people will like him.
Eric and Jess strategize in the HOH. Eric "makes the case" for nominating Amber, even though he already told us that it's a done deal so it's not like we're going to be impressed. He says that it would, among other things, break up the Amber/Jameka pair. You know, that super-powerful alliance where the one can't win anything and the other can't even compete for anything. That's the power pair you cannot let remain in the house. Jess DRs that she's confused and conflicted.
America's Choice question: which houseguest do we want Eric to kiss? "America" will vote for Jessica. "Joe R" will vote for Dick. Sigh.
After the commercials, it's time for Jessica to stare at the wall of photographs and pretend to think. (The more I look at Kail the more it seems like she owns multiple businesses.) Amber DRs that she can't think she's safe, so at least she's caught something in the wind. Daniele says that if she did end up nominated, it would be because everybody in the house is a sucky liar who isn't as honest (boyfriend at home) and trustworthy (boyfriend at home) as she is (BOYFRIEND AT HOME). Jessica's key-placing voice-over tells us, essentially, that she's copping out and nominating two people who aren't really threats to her. You know, if she was just going to make a weak-ass play like this as HOH this week, she really should have thrown the competition. As Miss Alli pointed out to me, nobody would have nominated her this week. We get a second voice-over where Jess says she's taking out a power player, which not only isn't true but doesn't even jibe with the voice-over from mere seconds before. This stupid show.
So keys get pulled out of boxes and the un-surprising and yet still utterly disappointing nominees are Zach and Amber. The reasons Jessica gives them aren't bad. She pretty much says that while she feels close to them, she doesn't feel as close to them as she is to other people. Zach DRs that he'll finally have to work to stay in the game this week. Amber composes a verbal letter to God that goes like this, verbatim: "Hey God, it's me. I don't want you to think that I'm doubting you or I'm mad at you, 'cause I'm not. Because I love you, God, and...and...God bless you. Help me be strong!" She just said "God bless you"...to God. Hmm.
God: "Hey Amber, it's Me. Busy voting for Eric to make out with Dick. Will bless myself when I have a free second. Hey, stop talking about Jews, okay? I don't watch the feeds, but I keep hearing things. Oh, and say hi to Julie on Thursday SUCKAAAA! Yours (or am I??), God."