Sunday
Erika is HoH, and a number of people are nervous. But before they get too nervous, they can relax with a food competition in which there are bee costumes and dry humping. Couldn't be more serious. And most of the humping is courtesy of George, who really, really wants to be able to get off slop for a week. The house successfully wins a bunch of rewards for itself, including a promised trampoline. I love Will on a trampoline, so I can't wait. Speaking of Will, he's in fine form this week as he decides to romance a camera in the back yard, and he proceeds to tell it how much he loves it, flirt with it, beg it not to leave him, break up with it, and then come back and try to make everything okay again. It sounds stupid, but it's funnier than 95% of intentional television comedy. Erika winds up nominating Janelle and George, which Will chalks up to Mike's crazy romancing powers. That is possibly more upsetting than the dry humping.
Tuesday
George and Janelle are on the block, but there's still a veto competition to get through, and as much as Danielle keeps seeking reassurance from Erika, machinations are underway to remove her from the game. Unsurprisingly, Janelle wins another midway-at-the-State-Fair veto competition, and she takes herself off the block. When Erika breaks it to Danielle that she may nominate Danielle instead of Will, Danielle completely decompensates, and before you know it, she's pretty much gone wackadoo, all stomping around the house and ringing the HoH doorbell endlessly. She piles on the guilt, and the "I trusted you," which sounds really strange after all her "I hope he understands it's just a game" comments about people like Marcellas and Kaysar. Ultimately, Will and Mike get their way again, and Danielle goes on the block. In other news, the houseguests are visited as part of their "Christmas In August" party by Neil Patrick Harris, a well-known reality-show fan who seems almost as happy to see Will as Will is to see him. If you've ever wanted to know whether Will had a mushy spot in his hard, black heart, it turns out that he does. And it's Neil Patrick Harris. Go figure!
Thursday
The show barrels through an entire week's worth of "action" in one episode, beginning with the 3-0 eviction of Danielle. She holds it together in the Chenterview, although you can kind of tell she wants to beat someone's ass. Then, Janelle becomes HoH in yet another trivia competition, and after spending about three minutes yapping with Will, she nominates Erika and George. But then there's a rope-untangling PoV competition that Erika manages to win, so Mike goes up on the block. In the end, Janelle and Will both vote to evict George, so the final four are Mike, Will, Janelle, and Erika. So let me get this straight: Two guys out of fourteen go into a house, known to be not only aligned with each other, but completely untrustworthy, diabolical, and disloyal. One of them wins HoH once and veto once, and the other one never wins HoH or veto, and they still both wind up in the final four. It really is a little bit surprising.
Previously: The house decided to get rid of James, which actually means Mike and Will decided to get rid of James, which actually means Will decided to get rid of James, which actually means Will's Eviltron-3000 chip did the relevant calculations and concluded that it wanted to get rid of James. There was a beep, and James's fate was sealed. This displeased Danielle, who vowed that she would take down Will and Mike. Danielle also appeared to be turning into a puffier, sadder, more desperate version of herself, which was not good news. Erika's decision to continue making out with Mike was not only not good news, it was such very bad news that it seemed like it needed its own catchy title on cable news networks, like "Crisis In The Nether Regions," and a little crawl explaining that it often takes weeks for the itch to develop after exposure. ("Rash On! Apply directly to Mike 'Boogie.' Rash On! Apply directly to Mike 'Boogie.' Rash On!...")
Sunday
The credits make me sad, because as much as I don't like Marcellas, no one deserves to be immortalized leaving the house in a peach tux and a giant wig, looking like he just got here from The Gong Show. Where he was gonged. And where he was a woman dressed as himself.
In blue and white, as the piano tinkles, James is evicted for the third time (live, in the previouslys, and now). George DRs that he has to "salute" James for being such an "awesome, awesome competitor." Erika agrees that she liked James, but she found him "so dangerous" in terms of the game. Will explains to us that tonight's vote was the breakup of the Legion Of Doom. He says he never really trusted James, and he had to get him out.
Then we are in color, and it is Day 53. Fifty-three days those people have been without contact with anyone but each other. If it's possible to die of irritation, that's what would happen to me. That's why I couldn't do it. That, and the fact that they have missed half a season of Project Runway. Erika hugs Danielle, who doesn't respond, but just stands there like she's the catatonic sister in a Tennessee Williams play. In the DR, Danielle says that James shouldn't have left, because she trusted him. Danielle is suffering from a bad case of using the words "he shouldn't have" where she means "I wish he hadn't." Mike says that there are all these high stakes, because everybody realizes that they could be . Janelle, of course, just wants you to know that she didn't feel bad, because James went after her first by asking George to nominate her. Which we never saw happen, but I'm sure her word is good. After all, she wasn't there; she ought to know. James's picture turns to black and white.
Everyone remaining sits around in the living room, and Will tells them that he knows everyone is sad about the last three boots (James, Howie, Marcellas), and he takes responsibility for having orchestrated them. He explains in the DR that his strategy here was to remind everyone that he's behind the evictions of much of the jury, because he hopes that this might make people think they could beat him in F2 and take him to the finals. He seems to think this is how he was successful in his first season, and he's hoping to do some of the same things this time. Mike is still on a more simplistic plane, and takes the opportunity in the living room to say he doesn't think anyone is really responsible, because he just wants everyone not to be mad at him yet.
Danielle and Mike have a chat in the gym, and she says that she doesn't blame him and Will, but she's unhappy. Mike makes a play for her vote in a hypothetical F2 against Will, telling her that he wasn't happy with the decision either -- and implying, therefore, that it was Will's thing. Danielle's issue is that she doesn't understand why Janelle voted against James. Why wasn't it 2-2? Why did Janelle vote James out instead of George? Mike rubs his chin nervously and says that he's wondering this as well. "Why would she not vote for James?" Danielle wonders. "Ask Will," Mike says. "He hangs out with her twelve hours a day." Aw. I think Mike feels neg-wected. Danielle presses a little, but Mike refers all inquiries back to Will, who is the brains of the operation, as well as the pecs, the hair, and the eyes. Mike also continues to hammer the point that it was Will, and not he, who wanted James out. In fact, he says he "didn't get a vote," which is technically true, of course. But he was in on the plan from the beginning to get James out, so it's bullshit as well. He tells us that he and Will are playing good-cop/bad-cop with Danielle in order to soften the blow of booting Danielle's closest ally, so that they can "have her allegiance until it's time for her to go." He blows some BS at Danielle about how the game is so hard that it might not even be worth it, blah blah, and I certainly can't believe she's buying that. I don't think anyone's going to be convinced that Mike is experiencing flashes of moral ambiguity. I don't think Danielle would believe Mike fully comprehends highway signs, let alone ethical dilemmas. After Mike leaves, Danielle mutters for the camera's benefit, "Will's ass is mine."
We return in blue and white to the competition that made Erika HoH, and she DRs that she's excited that she's going to be in the final five. Danielle tells us that she felt great with Erika winning HoH, especially since Erika immediately assured her that she was safe. Janelle DRs, of course, that "Erika was the worst possible scenario" for the HoH victory. She says that she was hoping Will or Danielle would win. Will, of course, laments/brags that he's lost twenty-one HoH competitions in a row. For Mike's part, he thinks having Erika as HoH will work out for them, because she's hypnotized by his magical smooches or something, which is about as appealing to me as being thrown on a pile of burning tires, but she's vulnerable, after all.
Will and Janelle chat in the bathroom about the fact that Mike is going to try to get Erika to nominate Danielle and George. Janelle scoffs that it's not going to go that way, but Will tells her to relax. Janelle tells us she knows Erika will nominate her, since she nominated Erika twice. It does make a certain amount of sense. "She's got to get me out of the house because I win everything," Janelle preens. Ick. Mike tells Janelle that he thinks the nominations will be her and George. "If it's me and George, you guys have votes to save me?" she asks. Of course, it doesn't seem to occur to her that it would be her responsibility, rather than Will and Mike's responsibility, to see that the votes are there for her to stay. Furthermore, guess what, you enormous ditz? There are only three votes that will be cast with six people left, and if it's you and George on the block, it's not about Will and Mike "having the votes" to save you. Will and Mike are enough votes to save you. It's this kind of thing that makes me have no respect for her in this part of the game. You can tell she hasn't given any thought to who actually will be casting votes, or she'd know she was safe. There are no votes for them to get. It's just them. She clearly has absolutely no idea what's even going on strategically; she hasn't thought through how many votes there are, even though she's just been nominated. She can't look at six people and subtract three and get three, but she sure can answer trivia questions. If she ever had to play the game in the more straightforward way it was played before the days of the veto, of course, she would be so screwed she wouldn't last three weeks.
Will tells Janelle to go and bond with Erika. Janelle DRs that this is so tough, because she has "a problem being fake to people." Ha! Yeah, I'm sure. Extensions and boob job aside, she's just a plain old regular girl, just wanting to be herself. Will tells her that it's going to be "a rough week again," but they'll see what's possible. "Thanks for being my friend," Janelle says. "Thank you," Will grins. They are both so soulless, it's like you could suck all the oxygen out of the room, and neither of them would be affected in the slightest.
Filler segment: It turns out that Janelle wins at poker, too. She clearly doesn't know what she's doing, but good enough cards will compensate for that any one time you play. It's not surprising. She just does seem to be incredibly lucky, which...is just the way some people are. If unbeatable cards were going to happen to anyone, they would certainly happen to Janelle, whose ass sprouts four-leaf clovers. You'll also not be surprised to hear that she's still just about an ungracious and gloating a winner as you can get, and she would not get invited back to any card game she attended.
And now, we pay our obligatory visit to Erika's HoH room. I think I've seen this bedding set at Wal-Mart. Basically, Erika has the flower motif, so her bedspread has a giant flower, and the pillows have flowers, and there are big decorative flowers sticking out of everything. And she has pictures around all over of all her friends, including her "best friend Erika." As my best friend texted me immediately, isn't that not just her best friend Erika, but her best friend Erika? The picture on the CBS site isn't very representative of what Amazing Race 5 Erika looks like, but I'm pretty sure we're right. In which case...doesn't this Erika know anyone who isn't from reality television? If she's unhappy a lot, that might be why. Anyway, in the diary room, Will tells us that the room just had too many goddamn flowers in it. "It looked like a florist had an epileptic seizure," he explains. That is a disappointingly lame comment coming from Will, given what that room looks like. I expected more. Maybe he's saving it for later, when he makes out with the pole. (Spoiler!)
Everyone reviews a photo of the BB4 cast. Will notices that Jee is sort of peering up from behind everyone in order to be seen. "They won't even let the Asian guy in the picture," he observes. "He should be saying, '"Jee," I'm not in the picture.'" Hee. And: true. "I'm no Brad Pitt," Will observes in the DR, "but the Season-4 cast photo?" He pauses. "Looked like a bunch of beasts." He claims to be able to understand how the virgin had remained a virgin, and then he tells us, "That's an ugly group of people." George, less interested than Will is in measuring everyone's looks against those of plastic-surgery patients, is distracted by the cookies that Erika's mom sent, which he can't eat, of course. You can actually see a break in Mike's "cool kat" façade here, because he breaks out in a sympathetic laugh at George's predicament and at his pathetic moan of "home-made chocolate-chip cookies!" In the DR, Mike says, "George looked like he was going to eat the Ziploc bag as well as the cookies, and take a penalty nomination." In this DR session, Mike is wearing a shirt that says "Beat Box Champ." He is so lacking in the ironic sensibility necessary to pull that shirt off, I cannot even tell you. Not a close call. "Cookies," George whimpers.
Erika and Danielle squee together as everyone else leaves. Danielle then tells Erika that she's still really concerned about Janelle's vote against James. She just can't figure it out, or what it means. Erika DRs that she's not sure what it means either, whether Janelle has a deal with the boys, or whether she has a deal with George, or what. (It's both, of course, at least sort of. I think everyone has a deal with George.) Danielle tells Erika that Will took responsibility for booting James, and she doesn't see why he would do that unless he had worked Janelle. Danielle just doesn't see why Janelle would vote against James when now, James won't vote for Janelle in any F2 scenario. "Kiss Will goodbye," Danielle tells us in the DR. She makes a dramatic kissing gesture. "'Cause I'm getting rid of him as soon as I can. He has to go."
After commercials, we return to a chant of "Chi-cken George! Chi-cken George!" Will tells us in the DR that every few years, sports greatness is achieved. And what are we talking about? "The world's greatest belly-flop champ." It turns out that George has taken to entertaining the house by running all the way from the house to the pool, then belly-flopping for their amusement. I keep being afraid that he's going to slip and crack his skull, but that's why I'm no fun at all, I suppose. I would be no good in the emergency room, because I wouldn't laugh at people's injuries at all. Mike, in particular, gets so excited when George does this that he jumps around and fist-pumps. I've always said these people were really, really in desperate need of amusement, and Mike's overreaction seems to support my theory. Janelle has a great time describing George's way of running with his little arms pumping away at his sides. It's a very well edited, very funny segment. Filler, but better than average filler, to say the least.
Later, Will and Danielle are standing around in the kitchen. "Did you vote James out?" he asks her conspiratorially. She assures him she didn't, then says, "Come here, I need to talk to you." In the DR, Danielle says that her "hurt is now anger." She tells Will that she's not holding it against him, and he tells her that he really believes that James was coming after him, so he's not sorry he voted him out, but he's sorry for Danielle, because he knows James and Danielle were friends. Will confides to us that Danielle is a "professional," and she kept her cool and didn't flip out at him or anything, but he suspects that she's about to start "kicking [his] butt." Danielle tells us that Will and Mike "scumbagged" James, because "he had their back." I never know what that means in a game such as this, really, the having of the back. "I am going to take great pleasure sending Will home," she says. I...do not see that happening at this point. (Easy for me to say at this point, of course.)
More Will and Janelle flirting. She says that it "gives [her] something to do." She also says "flirting makes you feel good." Hmm, if she says so. She tells us that it's fun "toying with Will." That at least makes me feel a little bit better about watching Will toying with her, I'll say that much. Then, they are both in the DR together. "She has a crush on me," Will grins. Janelle says, "No I don't, Will." He turns to her. "Little bit." "No, I don't," she weakly protests. He is surprised: "A lot?" "No, not a lot," she says, again weakly. "You have a crush on me," she argues. "That's not true," he says, looking back to the camera. "On a scale of one to two," he says, looking seriously at the camera. She cuts in with, "I swear to God, I'll hate you so much." And he says, "I give her a solid one." And then she jumps him. Because she's "mad." I hope she's having fun "toying with Will." This goes on outside in the hot tub, and there's more flirting, and ultimately, he asks her what would happen if they were the last two people on earth, and civilization depended on their continuing the species. "I wouldn't like you, but I'd still have sex with you," she says. He pauses. "Yeah, you would," he says with mock satisfaction. You know, this isn't even really fun, because she's so stupid and uninteresting, and at this kind of game, she's not even a challenge for him. I would have loved to see him flirt with someone who would have been like, "You're funny, but you're full of shit, and you're a child, so go sit over there and be quiet." I would have loved to see him flirt with somebody who was an actual match for him, like...oh, wait. They never put women on this show who would be a match for him. My mistake.
Mike visits Erika in the HoH room, and she has to go over and get her smooches, which is so icky. She wants to know what's going on with Janelle, and then she says, "Will's going up." Mike visibly blanches. "You won't put Danielle up?" he asks. "Don't we want to send Will to the jury?" she asks. And she asks it like they've talked about this a lot, so I return to my theory that Mike's greatest dream in this game is to be the one who takes out Will, because he has spent five years living in the shadow of Dr. Awesome, and his aspiration is to be Will's executioner and then be all, "Just a game, buddy!" Mike says, "Not now!" And then he says, "If you're doing that, you're committing in one direction." "Well, we have to talk. Let's talk," she answers. She keeps being so close to being smarter, and then she gets stupid again. Mike tells her that she has to treat Will as an individual, and says that he'll be upset with her. "You and I have talked about sending Will to the jury," she says. He agrees, but he tells her that it's too soon. She asks the big question by inquiring as to whether Mike's main allegiance is to her or to Will, because hers is to Mike. He refuses to tell her the answer, really, but says that he'd be happy to send Will to the jury -- another time. Mike tries to tell Erika that Danielle is "aggravating" in that she runs to wherever the power is. He DRs that his "allegiance is to Will," but that he needs Erika to think he might take her to the finals. And then the two of them are snuggled in the HoH bed, and she says, "If I find out you're playing me after this, I'll fucking kick your ass." Over her shoulder, he grins, self-satisfied.
You know, this is where you have to just put your faith in karma and hope for the best. Far be it from me to become sentimental about reality-show contestants, but I tend to hold to the same philosophy that made me think Lex was so ridiculous. You don't get pissed off when people vote you off or lie to you about the game, because it's just like bluffing in poker. It's just a game for a lot of money. But on the other hand...it's just a game for a lot of money. There should be things you don't do, and one of those things is to take a woman who's just out of a bad relationship, whom you know to be raw and isolated from her friends at a time when she's not really prepared for it, and to convince her that you care for her when you don't. I wouldn't approve of it in poker, either. I wouldn't approve of you romancing someone you knew was broken because you thought it would make her easier to bluff. It's just like bluffing in poker, and you do what you do, and flirting isn't a problem, and it's all supposed to be in fun. But when this show goes in this direction, it takes me to this dark, horrible, I'm-not-sure-what's-a-joke, "The Ballad Of Bitter Honey" place, where all the tradeoffs are kind of too distasteful to be entertaining.
Back from more commercials, it's time for Erika to direct them all to the food competitions. Now...okay. The costumes. I hardly know where to begin. Mike and Will get into bee costumes, which are kind of like the Belushi bee costumes in style, and which do involve tights on the bottom. George is dressed in a green lycra bodysuit, and I guess he's supposed to be...a flower. Erika is a flower, too, although as you can imagine, a unitard looks a little different on her than on George. Janelle and Danielle are supposedly birds. The bird and bee costumes are mostly giant flat sponges on the front and back. I feel like I'm watching a preschool play, only it's mental preschool instead of chronological preschool. ("Dear Mrs. Boogie: We are sorry, but we will have to hold back Michael for yet another year until he stops pooping in the fish tank.") "I put my bee costume on," Will says, "and I realized...my career is probably over." Like it wasn't over when people he was proposing to subject to medical procedures realized he would suck their blood if he thought it would make him live longer.
Outside, there is...again, I find myself struggling for words. Okay, there's a giant tub full of yellow fluid, like a backyard pool. It's decorated like a flower. Then there are these two other flower tubs, more like hot-tub sized, and they have grills over them. Water that comes down through the grills from above drops into those tubs and out through a chute, and then it goes into one of several buckets that are on a rotating contraption. The basic idea is that the birds and bees (in the sponge costumes) get themselves soaked in the "pollen" of the big pool, and then they run back. With the assistance of the flower-helpers, they squeeze the stuff from their suits through the grills and somebody turns the buckets to control which ones get filled up. For every bucket they fill, they'll get that prize. This is the hardest challenge to explain, like, ever. George tells us that all he wanted was the one-week slop pass, which is one of the prizes.
The reason this challenge becomes funny is that the flower helpers wind up basically lying or jumping on top of the birds and bees in order to squeeze out the stuff in their suits. At first, Erika is "helping" Danielle and Janelle; George is "helping" Mike and Will. So what you get are a lot of shots of George lying on top of Mike or Will, and/or dry-humping them in a rhythmic fashion to try to wring out their suits. It looks...just like you think. You don't know that you even had the ability to form a mental picture of George humping Will while George was in a green unitard and Will was dressed as a bee, but it turns out that your powers of imagination are greater than you think. "I glanced over, I wanted to see what the girls' strategy was," Will says. "As far as I could tell, it was to make a hot movie." Cut to soft-focus, Vaseline-coated shots of all the women lying and jumping on top of each other in slow motion. I'll grant you: it's hotter than Chicken George bouncing up and down on top of Mike. Ultimately, there is some trading off, which not only delivers footage of George bouncing up and down on top of Janelle, but also brings Erika riding Mike like she's in a rodeo. And with that, there is a run on eyeball bleach the likes of which you have never seen. In the DR, Erkia leans over with her head in her hands until she almost disappears. "My mom is going to be dying," she says. I suspect you'll be joining her when you look back on this footage, sweetheart.
Okay, it's now time for the review of the available prizes and whether the houseguests won them. We learn that the houseguests earned the right to give up the red room but eat meat and fish for the week. Yay! They did not earn desserts and dairy. Janelle is bummed, because she likes M&Ms. I'm so glad they offered that perspective. Did they earn bread and cereal? No. Did they earn a trampoline in return for going on slop for one day? Ding! Will, of course, was dying to get the trampoline. Did they earn "Christmas in August" in return for going on slop for a day? Yes. Janelle is happy because she loves presents. They might as well just start captioning the show with Janelle-based emoticons. "Janelle is happy." "Janelle is sad." "Janelle is frowning!" "Janelle winks!" She DRs that she'd like a trip to the Caribbean and an engraved portable DVD player, and she'd also like at least $5,000 in cash. And you know what? Janelle : Gift-Begging : : Mike : Beat Box Champ.
Did the houseguests win a choice between veggies and a slop pass? They did. And now, they have to conference over that choice. Of course, George wants the slop pass desperately. They all try to make him think they're going to go for the veggies, but when they're called upon to actually decide, they all yell, "SLOP PAAASS!" It's a little bit cute, actually, and George is enormously excited. I think they all know that eating slop all summer would truly, truly suck. Do they get to choose between fruit and a five-star dinner? They do, and they choose the dinner. Do they get booze in return for giving up the pool table? Did I even know they had a pool table? Anyway, they do, and of course, they would all rather have alcohol than a pool table. Or a house. Or oxygen. "The only thing we can really eat this week is meat and beer," Will explains. "It's kind of like the Atkins Diet for alcoholics." Oh, Will, an Atkins joke? That's so rickety and old. Please don't make a joke about Arsenio Hall or Tickle Me Elmo. "We're going to be drunk and skinny," Erika says. "And that might not be a bad thing." Well, for her maybe, since it just means she'll be drunk. George belly-flops one more time into the pollen for everyone's amusement. This show just got weirder, which is...not easy. And very, very soon, it's going to get weirder, so hang on tight.
Later, Mike and Will are...playing pool! Isn't this the first time I've noticed the pool table? I guess it's true what they say: you only appreciate things when you're about to trade them away for a supply of beer. It's the same reason I always undervalued my best friend until this week. (Just kidding! The offer wasn't nearly sweet enough!) Will is telling Mike to try to influence Erika to nominate Danielle. Mike doesn't think that it's likely, but Will is trying to get Mike to turn up the showmance skills. Will, in the DR: "Am I really putting my future in Mike Boogie's lovemaking ability?" He scratches his head. "This might not be pretty." Hey, at least you're not Erika.
Later, extreme sax music takes us to the backyard, where...we are not visiting Mike and Erika, thank God. Instead, we are looking at the weirdest thing Will has ever done. He has found the camera on a pole that looks down on the backyard, and he has walked right up to it and put his face into it. So this entire sequence is Will, looking up into a camera that's directly above him, suffering that distortion business that happens when you're about an inch from the camera lens. So he looks kind of fun-house-mirror to begin with.
Okay, so Will approaches the camera and looks at us. "I've been thinking about us for a long time," he sleazes. "And, well, this is your chance to have a ree-LA-tionship. With the heartbreaker from Big Brother All-Stars. I don't know why you're so afraid of me. I won't bite." He pauses, then looks at the camera with a disgusting, porny grin and adds, "Haaaaard." Mike cuts in: "As if Janelle weren't enough of a handful, Will decided to make love to the camera in the backyard." Shut up, Mike. You are a distraction. Will continues: "You know I love you. And I don't mean a little love. I mean a whole lot of love. I'm not going to break your heart. I looove you."
Now, Will is in the diary room. He tells us, "At first blush, you'd think I'm making sweet, sweet love to a camera. But I'm not. It's to you, America." He smiles. The editors animate a twinkle in his eye.
And now, we're back inside the pole looking down at Will's distorted mug. He loves to do this kind of thing with his hair in incomprehensible swirls, and this sequence is no exception. "If I could rewrite the alphabet," he says, "I'd put U and I together." And then he strains up, trying to actually kiss the camera. "You want a little kiss?" he asks. George comments that Will is "a very charming individual, and if he's not talking to you, he'll talk to anything he can." Will continues to try to convince the pole to kiss him, ultimately cajoling with, "No one's looking! You're naughty. You're naughty." Back in the DR, he says, "No relationship is perfect, but my relationship with that camera is as perfect as one can be." Well, it does have Shannon's personality and Janelle's brain. He then asks the pole to rub his shoulders. And then he's like, "Where are you going? Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're not going aaanywhere yet." Apparently, the pole continues leaving, and Will continues trying to keep it there. And then, Will breaks up with the pole. "It's not you, it's me," he says. "I just can't be in this relationship anymore, and I think that we need to take some time off. I'm sorry." It's sad, but I've actually heard of less substantive breakup speeches than that. He walks away, but then he comes right back. "Just kidding. I love you and I miss you, please take me back." Aaand, I'm calling that the weirdest scene ever. Hygiene problems, group showers, inappropriate nudity...nothing is weirder than Will Tries To Get A Pole To Sleep With Him.
Erika and Will are relaxing in the HoH room. He tells her that he feels sorry for Janelle, and he says that while Janelle and Danielle are both after him, at least Janelle is doing it herself, while Danielle is trying to get other people to do everything for her. Erika cuddles her big pink teddy bear, because it's a sign of being infantilized, and who wouldn't embrace that? Will says that he'd ideally like to get rid of Danielle before Janelle. He DRs that he raised with Erika the possibility of getting rid of Danielle. Will tells Erika that the thing about Danielle is that she will ultimately do whatever it takes to win the money for her family, including turning up the emotions as needed. Erika agrees. "It's why she's so shady," Will says. Erika thinks that Danielle is mostly a "straight shooter," but Will says she engages in "wordplay," so that she can later claim not to have said whatever it is you're trying to hold her to. I think that's largely true, actually -- Danielle is certainly one to parse her own words. Finally, Will remembers to make what's actually his best argument: "If Danielle makes it in the final two, she's going to win this." That, Erika says, she does know. She is officially very conflicted over what to do.
Later, we see "Nominations Today" on the screen. Janelle says that she anticipates being nominated, snotting about how everyone's been trying to get her out for weeks. Not true, of course. If everyone had actually been trying to get her out, they wouldn't have been...you know, bringing her along and throwing competitions to her. Will just says that he's hoping to "dodge another bullet," and adds that he hopes Mike's romantic adventures upstairs in the HoH room might have kept him from being nominated. Mike says that he's definitely not going up: "She is falling in love with me, and I definitely have her right where I want her." Gross. GROSS. Not acceptable, you fucking piece of slime. As stated previously, "it's just a game" cuts both ways, dink. Erika ponders her nominations upstairs as she sits in front of the great big box. You'd think they could have switched to something smaller, since it looks like Erika can barely carry this thing. Danielle says Erika told her she was safe, and she thinks that Erika has "blonde fish" and a "fish that has a PhD" to fry ahead of her. Dear Danielle: I don't think Will has a PhD. George tells us that he's in lots of alliances, but they never invite him to the meetings. I find this oddly adorable. He's like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Houseguest. Or he's the equipment manager of every alliance he's in: "I'll just get the water bottles and the balls, okay you guys? Hey, guys?" We return to Erika, who says that one of the two people you nominate might be leaving, and it ends their "dream of winning the money." Erika needs to earn how to suppress her conscience. It's sad, but it's true. She also needs to learn a lot about disinfectant.
Everyone gathers. Erika brings out the box. She tells everyone that she lost a lot of sleep over the decision, and that she's an "emotional person" and an "emotional player," and that she can't "separate the two," as if we didn't know. The first key she pulls out is Danielle. Danielle pulls Mike. Mike pulls Will. So it's Janelle and George on the block, as expected. Erika says that she nominated Janelle because she's a huge threat and so forth. "That's all that it is." She adds that George was nominated because he would have voted to keep Janelle. When Erika has adjourned the meeting, Janelle says that she's going to win PoV and "make a big spectacle of it." As opposed, I guess, to her usual restrained approach. Will says that it's always a miracle when he's not nominated, and that somehow, through Mike's "showmantical work," he escaped again. George calls himself "the 200-pound pawn." That seems like a decent note to go out on for the evening.
Tuesday
The nomination ceremony occurs again in blue and white. We slide to color, and it's Day 54, and Janelle tells us in the DR that she was "annoyed" at Erika for saying she admired the way Janelle played the game in her season. Of course, had Erika not said something like that, Janelle would undoubtedly have been equally annoyed. I think Janelle is annoyed by not getting her way, preferably in the form of Will and Mike making sure she isn't nominated. Janelle says she's sure that she's the target of the nominations. "They want me out of the house," she says. For his part, George tells us that being on the block isn't that bad -- in fact, "you kind of get used to it after a while." Erika tells us that she put Janelle up because Janelle is such a good player, and a threat to win, and Erika thinks that it's time to start taking out people you're afraid can beat you. Will repeats the bit about how it's always an honor not to be nominated, and so forth. He also says that he'd rather have Janelle stay in the house than George, but ultimately, as long as it's not him and it's not Mike, he doesn't really care. I think that one's true, for the most part. Not that it's easy to tell.
George sits with Will and Mike and laughs hysterically, so unable is he to comprehend how they manage to stay around week after week and never get nominated. Mike DRs that George "idolizes" them, and that he was probably the only person who respected what they were capable of. "We are very deadly," Mike says. Eh. Will is deadly. You're just riding in the sidecar in your pointy little hat. "George is the one person who's sort of on to us," Mike adds. Back at the chat in the kitchen, George disbelievingly says, "They don't even mess with the doctor! The baddest player in reality-show history. 'Let's not mess with him, though.'" Of course, George didn't mess with him either. "How the Chill Town [sic] made it this far, I have no idea," George tells us again in the DR. "They're not even nominated!"
Janelle and Will chat in the bathroom, and Will tells her that she needs to go upstairs and tell Erika it's all right, and "give her a hug." "Go do that," he pushes. "Go do your job." Janelle, of course, does what she's told and goes upstairs to see Erika. They do not hug at first. Janelle does, however, tell Erika she's "not mad" at her. She also says that if she wins veto and stays in the house, she won't come after Erika week -- she'll come after "the people that took out [her] friends." Meaning, presumably, Will and Mike, even though they didn't entirely do that. Janelle says that she'd like to work with Erika if she stays. "I'm going to go after Chill Town," she says, telling Erika that she's unhappy about the way the boys have been "basically playing everyone." And by "everyone," she means "me." In the DR, Janelle talks about how this was "a little fib." Of course, had someone told it to her, it would be a huge lie. "I think she might believe me," Janelle says happily. Erika DRs that she was happy about this, and happy to take a deal with Janelle where Janelle wouldn't be out to get her. "I think I'll take that deal!" she says happily. Now they hug, so finally, Janelle can leave the flower-sopped HoH room. It's amazing how both of these women would be really pissed and personally wounded if they found out that they were being played by Mike and Will, but it doesn't bother either of them that the other is being played by Mike and Will. Janelle, in particular, seems no more upset about Mike convincing Erika that he really cares about her than Will is, which makes them both sort of complicit in that whole thing. Very uncomfortable.
Will, Danielle, and Mike are playing cards outside when Will casually asks whether there is any possible upside to keeping Janelle instead of George. "Have you lost your mind, Will?" Danielle asks, suddenly suspicious. She just says, "No." There is a silence, and then Danielle wants to know why he would even be thinking about that. Will immediately says that she's not thinking about it. He tells us in the DR that things with Danielle are tense, because she doesn't trust him, and he doesn't trust her. The fact that James left has really cranked up the whole thing. Danielle asks if they're still taking Janelle out, and Mike and Will say that they are. Danielle DRs that the whole thing is making her jumpy. It seems like Janelle is working with Will and Mike, and then Erika is refusing to nominate either of them. "There's something wrong with this picture," she says.
The day, the houseguests go outside and find that there is a big trampoline, closed in with netting, waiting in the backyard. Will is beside himself with happiness. He immediately begins to bounce on the trampoline with great vigor. He admits to us that getting the rest of the house to go along with this was selfish, which is a shock, of course. Mike joins him on the trampoline, and then informs us that he refers to it as the "pimpoline," because it's the "pimp trampoline." Crickets chirp. Several generations of cicadas hatch. No one laughs. "This is an accident waiting to happen," George mutters as he watches Will bounce higher and higher. Danielle says to us that Will is "a kid begging to break something." I'll say. Danielle asks him while he jumps whether he's ever broken any bones. "Yeah! A lot!" he says happily. I wonder if the pole is looking at his jumping ability across the yard and wondering whether it missed out on some hot, highly acrobatic sex. It could've been you, pole. I'm just saying.
Danielle and Erika talk in the HoH room, and Danielle wants to know if Erika is taking her to F2. "Hell yeah," Erika assures her. Danielle comes back with the fact that she is certainly taking Erika to the final two. She swears on her kids, which is even stupider than when people ask each other to swear on their kids. If you really believe swearing on your kids potentially exposes them to harm if you break your promise, why would you ever do that in what is still -- say it with me -- a game for money? And if you don't think it does, then what is the promise worth? Anyway, Danielle says that she hasn't made this kind of promise to anyone else. Danielle says that Erika is her "strongest ally." In HoH, Erika says that the "two boys" are dangerous. Danielle agrees, pointing out that Will lies and backstabs, but then he's very happy to apologize to you, as he did to her after James left. "He is," Danielle says, and then she draws up on top of her head the horns she used to use for Roddy in her own season. This makes Erika laugh. "You broke it out!" Danielle proposes that one of the two of them win PoV, take George off the block, and put up Will. "I'll vote to evict him," she says. "Chicken George will vote to evict him. It'll be two to one. He'll walk out the door." Erika agrees that this "makes sense."
In the DR, Erika says that indeed, if someone comes off the block, she's probably going to put up Will, even though she's "technically part of Chill Town." She reminds us that it's all about who she can beat at the end. They agree that they'll talk more if Will gets off the block. Danielle tells us that her "ultimate goal" in the entire season is to get rid of Will, and adds back in the HoH that "Danielle from Season 3 is back." I think she said that weeks ago, didn't she? Maybe she had her fingers crossed. That was just half of Danielle from Season 3. This is really Danielle from Season 3. Seriously, I think that's sad. It's like rather than acknowledging that she might not play as well or get as lucky as last time, she has to pretend she just has been playing in a different "mode." "They need to recognize," she says to Erika, convinced she sounds smart. "Sometimes, people who scumbag, need to be scumbagged. I've got something wicked comin'." I hope she can follow through with this, or it's going to look kind of silly later, no?
When we return from a set of commercials, we are watching Will sleep, and the dream sequence that has been invented for us suggests that he is recalling many, many circumstances in which he has talked in the house about how much he loves Neil Patrick Harris and How I Met Your Mother. Dreamy Dr. Will, it seems, thinks Neil Patrick Harris is dreamy. And then it's Christmas morning, and guess who's bringing an armload of presents? Neil Patrick Harris! Who knew? NPH tells us in the diary room that he's a big fan of the show, and he was all excited about getting to visit the house. I know he's an Amazing Race nerd, so I kind of believe that might be true.
We watch as NPH sneaks in wearing his Santa hat, and he starts to turn on lights and wake people up. Will is really excited. He's also half asleep, so he gets out of bed and does his best "Hey man, what's going on?" half-hugging thing for guys who idolize other guys. NPH announces that he's there to play Santa. NPH also gives big hugs to Janelle and George. Will, in the DR: "I was lying in bed, and, as usual, I was having a dream about hanging out with Neil Patrick Harris. And it was no longer a dream! I was really hanging out with Neil Patrick Harris!" Of all the things I thought might render Will speechless, I never came up with Doogie Howser. When everyone is awake and making breakfast, Will tells NPH how much he loves his show. Which is right here on CBS, Monday nights. Don't change the channel. Janelle tells us that "all [Will] ever wanted for Christmas was Neil Patrick Harris."
Back in the house, NPH talks about how he feels like he won a contest to be here, so Will talks into his lapel about how they need security, because NPH is becoming "a stalker." NPH asks them all how many days there are left, and they all say "24," as if they know this to be true. Which...it isn't, if you know that the finale is scheduled for September 12, which we do. So that's an interesting form of disorientation. NPH is such a good sport that he even tries the slop, which he immediately brands "all kinds of nasty." Will tells NPH that it's a huge deal to them just to see another human being after sixty days of seeing nothing but each other. George tells us that NPH was a "great gift" for Will, and then George finds himself dragged into the supply room, where he gets to put on a big Santa suit. Everyone finds this utterly delightful, certainly more pleasant than the green unitard, and then they all adjourn to the yard to collect their gifts from under the not-very-seasonal Christmas tree. Hope you're all Christians!
NPH says in the DR that the houseguests got some clothes, and he says they really need them, because, as he puts it: "If I see Mike Boogie wear a Dolce shirt one more time on the show...I mean, come on." I think they probably fed him that line, but: ha ha ha, anyway. NPH brands George "simple" and says Janelle has "radiance." Whatever. Then, NPH joins Mike and Will for a trampoline session. "It's Chill Town and Neil Patrick Harris!" Will yells as they jump. Neil does a full somersault, which impresses the shit out of Will, you can tell. Danielle DRs that this whole thing was great, and it was one of the best times she's had in the house all summer. No Sheryl Crow concert, of course. But then it's time for NPH to go. Will can hardly believe he got so lucky and excitedly asks, "What's -- I'm going to win the show?"
Now, during a casual discussion in the gym, George mentions that he was struck by lightning when he was much younger. He was knocked out. Mike asks, in a way that's actually funny, "George, are you saying you've been struck by lightning?" Will says in the DR: "Isn't that the kind of story that you would want to mention when you first meet someone? Like, that's kind of a life-altering event. And it also explains his...unique behavior." George continues telling the story, and says that while they told him there might be "side effects," "nothing was ever wrong with [him]." And then the editors cut to pictures of him dressed all in foil, dressed like a pimp...you get the idea. I guarantee you that there was an outbreak of joy in the editing department when they discovered that George had once been hit by lightning but had no "side effects." They drew straws to see who got to put that part of the show together. "How have we been here sixty days and you haven't told this story yet?" Mike asks. "Being struck by lightning?" George says that it was a long time ago, after all. Will deadpans, "Important question: Did you have any superpowers afterwards?" George answers, interestingly straightforwardly, that he didn't, and that they'd know about it if he had superpowers. I think George may have thought that was a real question. Oh, George. Mike wraps up the sentence with a lame joke in the DR about George not winning the game because he's already been struck by lightning. Mike is so stupid. He ruins everything.
Later, Will and Janelle chat. He DRs that ideally, he'd love to get rid of Danielle, and the best way to do that is to let Janelle win PoV. He and Janelle agree that she'll try to win veto, and he'll try to get Mike to get Erika to put up Danielle. "That'd be so awesome!" Janelle squeals, and then Will wants to leave the room, and Janelle tries to get him to stay, insisting she has nobody else to talk to. Kind of sad, that.
HoH, later. Will and Mike talk. Will says that they need to get Danielle out, and he repeats that in the DR. He also says he'd like to win PoV himself, so that there's no chance he'll go up when Janelle comes off. Later, as Mike and Erika snuggle in the HoH bed, they talk a few minutes of strategy. Erika says that this week, it should be Janelle, and then week, Will or Mike should win HoH and put up Danielle. Mike breaks the news that he agrees about the two to go, but he says that she needs to be prepared to take out Danielle this week if necessary. Even in night vision, you can almost see Erika flinch. Mike tells her that Danielle will beat anyone in F2, so they can't keep her around. Erika can hardly believe he wants her to put up Danielle after the PoV. She repeats "If I find out that you're really just playing me, I'm gonna kick your ass." Mike asks her why she's said this on two consecutive nights. She just laughs. Man. Get kissed by Mike Boogie once, shame on Mike Boogie. Get kissed by Mike Boogie twice, SHAME ON YOU.
The day, Erika drags everyone in for the veto competition. Everybody plays. This is one that everyone has to go to separate rooms and wait to compete in separately. Mike goes out first. He tells us that he wants Janelle to win. The worst thing from his perspective would be Danielle winning. Mike reads the explanation, but this one is pretty simple. There's a screen where they will flash little segments of photos of faces, and each time, there will be two people with their face parts being shown. You run over and push the buttons for the two former houseguests whose faces you think are being shown, and then you push another button to see if you're right. First person to complete all the rounds will win. There is a total of five rounds.
Mike takes his shot. He starts off strong, and then he slows down and stands around, stretching and yawning and letting his time run up, because he doesn't want to "make Erika angry." He finally finishes. Erika goes , and she does appear to be trying to win it. : Will. He says that he "absolutely wanted to win," but he struggles with at least one of the pairs. George goes out , and it's a disaster. It's a bloodbath! Snails are completing the task faster than George. And then we have Janelle, who of course runs around like the stupid-competition-champion that she is. She also appears to be holding onto her pants, which are threatening to fall down. Danielle goes , and she says that she feels safe and doesn't feel like she needs the win, but she'd love to get it, because she could maybe take Janelle off and have Will put up. She looks like she does well.
They all gather for Erika to read the scores. George's time is 24 minutes and 23 seconds. Erika's time? 1:51. Will? 3:19. Janelle? 1:00. They all react with admiration, to which Janelle responds in literally the least gracious way possible, which is to say, "I could have done better." She is the sorest winner of all time. There should be a trophy for that, only she'd be bitchy about winning that, too. Danielle's time? 1:23. Mike? 7:42. So Janelle won PoV, snore. She's the combination of the Rupert and the Terry, and you know how crazy I am about that. Danielle laughs in the DR that she has a deal with Erika not to put her up, and if she's not going up, then either Will or Mike is going up, and this makes Danielle very happy. Will DRs that he'd like to see Danielle put up. Danielle will think that she's safe, but actually, she'll go. He says it stupider than that. Erika tells us that she isn't happy with the choices in front of her. "It's a real dilemma," she says.
Later, Janelle, Danielle, and Erika chat. Janelle DRs that she needed the win, or she would have gone. She and Erika talk a little, and Janelle then adds in her diary-room session that she thinks if she can convince Erika that she (Janelle) will come after Will and Mike week, Erika might choose to go after Danielle this week. The guys, meanwhile, are talking about Janelle, how awesome she is, "the best reality competitor [Will has] ever seen," provided you only care about competitions and not...you know, the parts of the game that Will himself is better at than anyone else. Then Mike and Will go into the storage room and jump up and down as usual, ecstatic that Janelle won veto. They're determined to get Erika to nominate Danielle even though, as Mike DRs, Danielle is Erika's best friend in the house.
Mike and Will have the big chat with Erika in which they drop the bomb that she has to nominate Danielle, no matter how much she doesn't want to. "I can't," Erika says. Mike promises that Danielle will blame him and Will, not Erika, for her booting. Erika tells us that she's "an emotional person," and her head and heart are feuding, and she's glad to have Will and Mike to straighten her out in these moments. Mike tells her that if she tries to be nice, she'll finish fourth. Will tells her this is her big moment to decide whether she can go to F5 or F2 or F3. Erika says in the DR that there's a time that you have to drop your alliances, and she's not sure yet whether this is the time. Interestingly, after Will leaves the discussion, Erika asks Mike again about the possibility of putting up Will. "No!" Mike insists. "Not at all!" Why Erika thinks that Mike would be a good source of advice on this point, I simply do not know. Erika wants to know whether Mike would take her or Will from F3 to F2. He doesn't want to commit, and he says they can always talk about this later. That's called a red flag, Erika. Take it out of neutral.
Erika and Danielle talk in the supply room. Danielle asks again whether Erika is putting her up, and Erika says again that she isn't. Erika does say that she has to think, though, and she leaves. That is not good news, Danielle. Did we mention about the red flags?
, Erika and Janelle talk in the HoH room. Erika says that she isn't sure what to do, and she wants Janelle's thoughts. Janelle says "all three of them need to go," presumably meaning Will and Mike as well as Danielle. Erika says she doesn't think that she'd beat Danielle in the finals. Janelle says no one can. "And the guys kind of suck," she adds. Janelle goes on to say that Will is "as bad as Chicken George," presumably as a competitor, which is what Janelle thinks is most important, unsurprisingly. Basically, the two of them tentatively agree that they'll work together later to take out Will and Mike. I wish. I mean, I think at this point, I wish so much about Mike, and I dislike the fact that Will is encouraging him, that Will's amusement factor is no long enough for me to not wish about him as well.
When Janelle is gone, Erika calls Mike upstairs. She explains to him that she got reflections from Janelle, and that everyone knows Danielle is the biggest threat. Mike says that Danielle and Janelle are "the frontrunners." Erika still wants to know what they're doing about Will. Erika, in a rare moment of clarity, says that she's afraid she's going to "be the Diane" of the season by letting Mike and Will stay there together. Mike tells her that there's not a great option for them at this point -- leaving Danielle there and leaving Will there both have drawbacks. Erika clutches her bear, and Mike successfully gets her giggling about how everyone's telling her that it's time to cut Danielle loose, and she needs to notice that maybe it is, in fact, time. "The color pictures are dwindling," he says. When you see how she's tee-heeing into the bear, you know it's over for her and Danielle is going up. Mike seals the deal with a smooch. Nasty.
Back from another set of commercials, Erika is sitting by the pool when Danielle comes over to talk to her. "Erika, what's wrong?" she asks. Erika begins to talk sadly about how there comes a time in the game where you do things you don't want to do, and Danielle immediately senses how bad this is. "Are you putting me up?" she asks in disbelief. Erika says that she can't beat Danielle at the end, and she hopes Danielle understands that she has to take that into account. She starts to cry. "Okay," Danielle says. "That's fine." It's safe to say that this is not fine.
And how not-fine is it? Well, later that night, Danielle has a shitload to drink and starts muttering to everyone who will listen -- starting with poor George -- about Erika having loyalty to Chill Town. She's slurring, she's not making any sense...it's really a little sad. George desperately wants out of the situation, you can tell, because it has really nothing to do with him. Erika reminds Danielle that she hasn't even done anything yet, but that Danielle is "showing [her] true colors" just as a result of Erika telling her it was a possibility that she'd go up. Erika starts talking about how it is, after all, a game, and Danielle starts to talk -- still drunkenly -- about how Erika has "betrayed" her. This ugly fighting goes on for a while, and Danielle embarrasses herself by talking about how Erika looked her in the eye, she gave Erika her heart, Erika gave her a pen, blah blah. She also promises Erika she'll never vote for her in F2. Danielle, champion of saying she hopes people understand it's a game, makes the entire thing personal.
Erika goes and wakes up Will, and they sneak up and hide in the HoH room together. Erika talks about how Danielle is "hysterically crying," and Will tells her that they need to flip on the spy screen so that when Danielle inevitably appears outside the door, they can ignore her and make her go to bed. With the screen on, Erika says that she really would rather just send Chicken George home. Will says no. He says that Erika needs to be "a gamer." And then, inevitably, a still-drunk Danielle and her white nightgown come up the stairs, where Danielle leans on the HoH doorbell endlessly. Will tells Erika to ignore it, and eventually, he takes her into the bathroom. "She's lost her mind," Will says. Danielle starts telling Erika to open the door, as Will assures Erika in the bathroom that Danielle will only get worse, and everybody has to go sometime. Will tells us that he's perfectly happy to stay in the HoH room all night long to keep Danielle from getting the last word with Erika before the PoV ceremony. Finally, we watch Danielle abandon the HoH door, and Will crawl (platonically) into bed with Erika. That was not a good moment for Danielle, like, at all. Pounding on a door drunk in your nightie is almost never a great moment, dignity-wise.
The day, Janelle examines the wall of photos and tells us that obviously, she'll be using the veto on herself. "Danielle lost her mind," Janelle mentions. It's on everyone's mind, apparently. Everyone gathers in the living room for the PoV ceremony. Janelle quickly removes herself from the block after a speech about how hard it is to put people "in harm's way." Of course, they're not in harm's way; they're in danger of losing a game show. Erika stands up to name her replacement. "At this point, Danielle, I'm sorry," is all we get. Or maybe it's all she says. Erika says that she hopes that Danielle will respect the strategy of the move she made, even though she said last night she would never give Erika a vote. Erika talks about how much she respects Danielle personally and as a player, and then she storms off. Janelle ends the ceremony, perhaps the most uncomfortable one ever. Danielle tells us that she's furious with Erika for "making a strategic error," which is obviously bullshit. "Shame on me for trusting her," Danielle adds. Erika DRs that this sucked. Will and Mike? Happy.
Will and Mike do another of their DR phone calls that Mike just got his showmance to put up her best friend, just like Will got his showmance to put up Marcellas, and they laugh, but somehow, this is losing some of the fun. The Erika situation is making me very nervous. When people are crying, even if they're stupid for crying, it's harder to have fun.
Thursday
You will recall that Erika recently placed Danielle on the block.
Julie Chen has undone all the good she's done for herself in recent weeks, wardrobe-wise, because she presents herself this evening in a crinkly leather jacket with some kind of fussy trim. Not good. She tells us that tonight, following the live eviction, we will go immediately to a new HoH competition, nominations, PoV, and another vote. Not that the houseguests know this yet. But first! We have to talk about Mike and Will looking for their "Yoko." I'm not sure you can look for the Yoko. I think she has to happen to you.
We relive the veto ceremony in painful blue and white. Erika says in the DR that she understands that Danielle has the "right" to feel betrayed, but that the game is ultimately about getting yourself to the end. Danielle DRs that she never anticipated that Erika might put her up. She says that it made no sense for Erika to put her "in harm's way" (there's that expression again), and that's why she's angry. Of course, that's not at all why she's angry -- she's not looking out for Erika's logical consistency. George wants us to know that he's thinking this might be a peaceful week ending in his booting. He's looking forward to the beer and fried chicken, if it should come to that.
Mike and Will talk in the storage room, and Will says that they're doing great, and ideally, they'll land in F2 together. Erika knocks on the door, and when they let her in, she interestingly goes straight to Will, who hugs her and tells her she did a great job. He DRs that in the house, there's a ton of tension between Danielle and Erika, which he finds "hilarious." "I'm the one who did this," he says, "and no one's even mad at me." And if you're looking for a distillation of Will's peculiar genius that allows him to be good at this game, that's about as good as you're going to get. Back in the storage room, Will gives Erika a pep talk. "We are Chill Town. We work quickly. We work secretly. We're ninjas. No one knows what we're doing. No one knows we're together." Erika leaves the room, and then she talks in the DR about how she's a "secret member of Chill Town." Shortly thereafter, Janelle steps into the storage room. "Everything's cool," Will tells her. "We're Chill Town, we don't get worked up. We work by secret ninja moves. No one knows what we're doing. Things are good, okay?" Janelle leaves, and guess what she says in the DR? "No one knows that I'm with Chill Town." Oh, good Lord. After Janelle leaves, Will tells Mike that what they should do is go and tell Chicken George that he's part of Chill Town. It's horrible, but it's also pretty funny, all things considered. As long as they can back it up, it will still be funny. After that? Oh, we'll have to see.
And you'd think they're kidding, but they proceed to have a chat with George in the kitchen. "George," Mike says, "when the boys really need you, you're going to be there for us, right?" "I have to step it up," George answers. Mike continues, saying that they just want to make absolutely sure that "it's going to be bros before hos." "Done," George says, because he hates hos. Will semi-jokingly tells George he's just become "an official member of Chill Town." "I want to get a Chill Town T-shirt," George says, and he laughs. "I am an honorary member of Chill Town," George says in the DR. "Can you imagine me in Chill Town?" No, George. No, I can't. "So this week," Mike reviews, "Chill Town gave out honorary memberships to everybody in this house. How many are we actually going to honor? Zero." Live by that, die by that, sucker.
Later, outside, Mike goes to chat with Danielle. He assures her that they're keeping her this week and booting George. He doesn't even understand why she'd be concerned. She says she's sure they'd "respect" her enough to tell her if she were being sent home. She DRs that she's been concerned, but Mike "looked [her] in [her] eye," which she apparently still considers to be a meaningful gesture, and he told her that she was safe. Later, she has a similar conversation with Will. She asks; he reassures her. He tells her to relax. "I'm cool," she says. Will DRs that he kind of doesn't understand how Danielle is so out of the loop; it's like she hasn't watched the season, and she actually thinks she's safe just because they told her she was. Seriously, it's a reasonable question.
Julie is back in the living room, and she's about to explain about the "whirlwind of events." George has put his flower costume back on from the birds-and-bees competition, and he's also wearing his Santa hat, so he's officially careened right past "getup" and into "disorder." Danielle is sitting demurely in the other nominee chair. Julie says this will be in "overdrive," and that they're calling it "Big Brother: Fast Forward." Oh, I wish. She starts with telling George and Danielle that the votes are about to be cast, so this is their opportunity to make a speech to their housemates to try to save themselves. George makes a self-effacing remark about saving "the greatest PoV competitor," blah blah blah. Danielle says the week "has been a roller-coaster." She doesn't want to go home, and she'd appreciate being kept around.
So now, the voting. Janelle continues to need to pull up her pants as she heads for the DR. Wear some pants that fit, lady. She votes to evict Danielle. Will passes her as he enters the diary room. He also votes to evict Danielle. Finally, Mike comes in and "regrettably" votes to evict Danielle. Back in the living room, Julie reveals that by a vote of 3-0, Danielle is evicted. She gives hugs. It looks like nobody wants to go out like Howie. Her voice is too chirpy, because she's repressing rage, but she tells them she'll be voting for "the best player," so they should all "kick butt." They all applaud her as she leaves. "Class act right there," Will says, and I think he actually means it, at least somewhat. Danielle makes her way into the power gazebo, while back in the house, George frantically tries to get out of his flower costume for whatever might be coming . Julie asks Danielle about safety and what she thought, and Danielle says she knew how Will and Mike operate, so she wasn't surprised. She says when Erika put her up, she knew she'd go home.
Julie confronts Danielle with some of her own words about how the game isn't supposed to be personal. Danielle allows that this season, because she knew the people from watching them, she took everything much more personally. She says -- again, too singsong, because it's not really how she feels -- that she knows it's just a game, and it's "just business." In a sense, it's a little creepy, because this isn't how Danielle talks, and you'd hate to think she's going to go off and fall apart later. On the other hand, feeling obligated to pretend you're keeping it together and being able to actually do so is almost as good, in many ways, as actually keeping it together. "You lost to a guy in a green leotard," Julie says. Danielle understands that to be the case, and adds that it's hard to be known as an awesome player. Julie asks Danielle whether she feels like she got the "redemption" she wanted from season three. Danielle figures she probably did, although she wishes she'd "scumbagged a little bit more." What do you know? She was booted because of an awesomeness surplus! Just wasn't willing to be a bad enough person! ANOTHER VICTIM IS CLAIMED. Julie tells Danielle that someone else is being sent home tonight and asks her who she'd like to see following her out the door. "Right now, this is personal -- I want Erika," Danielle declares without hesitation. So it won't be personal later, but it's kind of personal now.
Goodbyes to Danielle. Janelle says that it was great to play against her, and congratulates her for playing more honestly this time. I am really getting sick of that routine from Janelle, dude, like she's granting absolution. Mike tells Danielle he'll always remember the "Legion of Doom days," and he wishes that they could have taken that further in the game. Will goes right for the heart, saying, "You are the best player to have never won Big Brother," which is just what Danielle tells herself, so. He says that he's sorry it went this way, but that after they got rid of James, he always felt like she didn't quite trust him. (Undoubtedly true.) George thanks Danielle for helping him through "them initial couple weeks." Erika makes the worst use of a goodbye video ever, saying that Danielle promised her that she'd never give her a vote, and Erika just wants to say she's "hurt" that Danielle would say that, and she thinks Danielle should reconsider. She is so dumb. How dumb is she? She's, like, would-sleep-with-Mike-Boogie dumb. Oh, wait.
Julie asks Danielle if she'll ever forgive Erika, and Danielle says that she does forgive Erika, but she "had her back." In other words, she just feels bad for Erika for making such a bad move. She just cares about people, y'all. She just doesn't want Erika to make a mistake. Julie tells us that coming up, we'll see a live HoH competition.
When we return, it's time for another competition made up of useless trivia about the season. These questions are all ones that are answered either "male" or "female," because all the answers are whether males or females did certain things in the house. Basically, there's a bull's-eye on the floor of this platform and the platform is divided into quadrants with walls, so each person can stand in the center of the bull's-eye by nestling up against the corner that's made by the walls, get it? Anyway, the outer part of the circle is labeled "Females," and the inner part "Males," and the middle circle (or, in each person's section, the middle arc) is neutral territory. For each question, you step out to "females" or in to "males" in order to give your answer.
The first question is about whether it was a male or a female said Kaysar was better-looking without hair. It was Marcellas, of course, and they all correctly say "male." : Was the second evictee a male or a female? Female. They're all right. : When Danielle vetoed herself, was the person who went up a male or a female? Male. Will and Janelle are right; Mike and George are wrong. : Were there more male or female houseguests from past seasons? Male. Only Janelle is right. Because God knows, she gets trivia questions about the season right, even if she literally cannot do one other thing at any time, ever. : Was the second appearance at the séance a male or female? Female. Only Will is wrong; everyone else is right. : In the first HoH competition, was the first to throw the meteor male or female? Female -- they're all right. : At the food judging, was it a male or female who said the thing about "low-grade dog food." It was a male, and everyone is right. Finally, did the majority of PoV wins go to males or females. The answer is females, and everyone is right. So Janelle is HoH, because this season has been essentially dominated by the ability to answer just this kind of question. Can't take anything away from her powers in this area, although you're free to find them boring.
Julie sends everyone back into the house. Since this is Big Brother: Fast Forward, the houseguests will only have four minutes before nominations. Of course, Janelle scampers off into a bedroom with Will so that he can tell her what to do. Will tells her to put up Erika and George. She wants to put up Mike, but Will nixes that plan. Janelle is worried that not nominating Mike will give away that she's with the boys, but Will basically tells her that it's kind of too late to be trying to hold her cards that close. "This is the week that everyone's going to know no matter what."
Julie promises that the nomination ceremony will be . Oh, I hope so.
When we come back, Will and Janelle are still talking, and he's telling her they should stay in the bedroom until Julie calls them out to the living room, because it will be better drama. He certainly never rests, does he? He tells her what to say when she makes her nominations, and then Julie calls everyone to the living room.
With everyone there, George is sent to the regular couch, and then Janelle is told to make her nominations. She stammers that it's "horrible" having to do this, and then she says she hasn't had much time for talking, and then she nominates George and Erika, trying to make it look like she did it off the top of her head. Dude, nobody believes that. Everyone saw you sneak off with Will. The jig is up, you know? Julie tells us that the veto competition is .
When we come back, it's time to play veto. We go to the backyard, where basically, everyone is clipped to a rope that has several knots in it. You undo all your knots, which may require stepping through the rope and so forth, grab a veto symbol, try to wrestle it out of the rope, and then you run back and ring a buzzer.
Basically, this quickly develops into a game between Will and Erika. I don't think Mike is trying, George is hopeless, and Janelle has no particular skill at anything other than houseguest trivia, so there's no reason to believe she'd be in it, and she isn't. Ultimately, Erika beats Will by a very small margin, so she will be vetoing herself. Janelle petulantly peels off her silly little pink overshirt and hurls it. Oh, poor baby. We don't win everything, quite, do we?
Veto ceremony. Erika acts all "aw-shucks" about winning veto, and then she stands up and vetoes her own nomination. So Janelle will have to make a new nomination. She nominates Mike, who takes the seat to George. Erika doesn't realize she's supposed to adjourn the veto meeting, so she just sits there blankly, doing nothing, until she has no choice but to end it. Julie promises that when we come back, they'll be doing another live vote.
Back from commercials, Mike is either looking nervous or trying to look nervous. I wish it were genuine, only I wish it were illness. The two people casting votes, you'll note, will be Will and Erika. Mike's best pal and his showmance, so I'm not sure why he's so freaked. George chooses not to give another speech. Mike thanks Dolce. Asshole. He tells Will and Erika that while it may seem obvious to boot him for the sake of future competitions, they should realize that George is "a very sympathetic character" who's going to be very difficult to beat in a vote. And now: live voting. Will goes into the diary room. I dearly hope he's going to do something surprising, but he doesn't. He votes to evict George. Erika follows him into the diary room, and she fails to make the Lisa maneuver, instead choosing to evict George.
Julie announces that George has been evicted by a vote of 2-0. He did know that he was going, and he's very gracious, with lots of hugs, just talking about being unsure how he made it this far. He heads for the door. He tries to pick up his flower costume and so forth, but Mike encourages him to just take his bag, and they'll get the rest of the stuff to him. Hee. So here are your final four: Will, Mike, Janelle, and Erika. Good grief.
Back in the house, for someone's benefit, Mike is laid out on the floor. Will is also saying he thinks he broke his thumb during the competition, and Janelle adds, "I broke a nail really bad." Sigh. She just never stops being like that, does she? Will starts talking about how there's too much time left, and he wonders if someone is coming back. Janelle agrees that "there's more than two weeks left." Which, mercifully, is not the case.
Out in the gazebo, George is overwhelmingly happy that he made it as far as he did, because he was "the donkey in the Kentucky Derby." Julie says that sometimes, he seemed confused, while some people thought it was "brilliant strategy." George laughs hysterically, and he says, "I had no strategy, Julie." He says that the food situation really screwed with him, but he's totally happy with finishing fifth. Julie questions George about his weird getups and his "buffoon" status, and George says that he just figured he'd be "totally unique" and be himself. Julie says that as promised, he's going to get some food. In a very surreal development, the current guy playing Colonel Sanders shows up with a bucket of chicken, which George thinks is really cool. "I met the Colonel!" he says. So...that's a highlight, I guess.
This week, we are not seeing the new HoH competition, so that's it for the evening, thank goodness. What will happen ? Oh, who can say? Will. Mike. Janelle. Erika. A whole lot of people did a pretty damn ridiculously poor job dealing with obvious threats. I would never have anticipated Will and Mike both landing in F4, that's for sure.