The End Of Amy, Part Deux

Saturday. Previously on Big Brother 3: Jason nominated Amy and Marcellas, and then had to sit around and sweat the Golden Veto. Marcellas won it, but passed up the opportunity to abdicate the Throne of Nominovia in order to continue his reign as the Contessa d'Egomania. After Danielle turned on him like Cujo and Lisa made a doomed last attempt to save him, Marcellas was evicted at the hands of Jason, God's Avenging Tiebreaker of Destiny. Marcellas explained to Julie Chen that he was all about love. And self-sacrifice. And, did he mention the self-sacrifice? And the love? Elsewhere, snails tasted gross, haggis tasted even worse, and once she grabbed HoH, Danielle tasted victory just a couple of final betrayals away.

You've seen the decline of the veto before. You've seen the eviction of Marcellas before. But have you seen them in blue and white? Oh, look, here they are. Bye, Marcellas! Don't let the door hit you in your magnificent derriere on your way out! Hug your gnome! As a piano suspensefully tinkles in the background, Danielle slowly explains that Marcellas had three options. He could save himself, he could save Amy, or he could do neither. Or, of course, he could strip naked and run around in the back yard singing "Devil Went Down To Georgia," complete with air fiddle, but Danielle doesn't even think of that, because she lacks imagination. She says that she was sad (actually, she says, "a moment of sadness came upon me," like she's the star of her very own Bible story), because she realized what was about to happen. She was going for an air of solemnity at the veto meeting, and I do have to give her props for resisting the urge to stand up and yell, "Wahoo! So long, you germophobic, gnome-loving, flip-flop-wearing freak! See ya in the funny papers!" Because I think that's what she wanted to do. I don't really believe that a "moment of sadness came upon" Danielle. Quite possibly a "moment of gloating," but that's a little bit different.

Dramatic drum roll.

Amy calls Marcellas's decision not to save himself "very brave." It's remarkable, isn't it? How she remains loyal, even in the face of how horribly faithless he was to her? She would be so clearly entitled to say something like, "He assumed I was going to get booted. He was overconfident, and unfortunately, it was his downfall." I wish she had. Amy should consult with me whenever she needs an angry rant. Drop me an email, Miss Amy. There are some people who should feel your wrath, and I would be happy to be your ghostranter. She doesn't even begrudge Marcellas the fact that he was so sure she was going to be booted that he didn't pack his stuff. Nice of her, don't you think?

We slide to color as the houseguests mourn Marcellas's departure. I'd point out that Amy grieves over him a hell of a lot more than he ever grieved over her. She says in the DR that it hurt her that she stayed and he went. Well, it would, I suppose. She even says she knows that Marcellas went through the same thing when she left before...which he totally didn't. I even mentioned at the time that it didn't take him very long to get over it. Danielle takes on a preposterously serious tone in the DR, like she is talking about a quest to oust a totalitarian dictator, as she explains the tremendously serious nature of what she was forced to do in order to eliminate Marcellas as a threat. Back at the end of the eviction, she boohoos all over Lisa, who strokes her hair sympathetically. Good grief. What is this, the Parade of Self-Pity-Partygoers? As we've said a number of times, Danielle, don't orchestrate these things and then expect me to feel sorry for you. If you want to be the Big Kahuna, you have to wax your own surfboard, sweetheart.

Lisa, meanwhile, would like to sit in the DR and have a little chat with the viewers at home about the strange fact that she thought Danielle was going to vote to boot Amy, so the tie came as a surprise to Lisa. Danielle, meanwhile, tells us that she and Lisa never talked about what they were going to do, because they were so sure Marcellas would use the veto, but that doesn't seem to be Lisa's impression, and I don't really believe that Danielle wouldn't at least come up with a contingency for what they'd do if he didn't. Rightly, Lisa gathers that something is up.

"Eight down, two more to go." Shut up, Danielle.

And now, the Great Tale Of The Day Danielle Won HoH. Oh, has she mentioned that she won HoH? She did. And she danced, and pumped her arms, and generally strutted in a way that most of the HoHs have managed to avoid, considering that while it's a good moment for you, it's a tough moment for everyone else, so there's an argument in favor of not being completely graceless about rubbing their noses in it. Not that I would expect Danielle to be aware of any such argument. Amy DRs that if Danielle were smart, she'd nominate Jason, who's the biggest threat. Of course, Amy doesn't have the first clue about the Alliance of Extra-Secret Secrecy. Lisa says that she's not feeling too safe, though she can't put her finger on exactly why. The deceit and trickery!, I yell at my TV. You're sensing the deceit and trickery! Tragically, Lisa does not hear me. Or if she does, she is playing it cool.

Jason, Amy, and Lisa accompany Danielle into the HoH room to check out the haul for the week. Danielle gets her ugly pink fuzzy robe from home. Aw. That's just the kind of thing I would want. Nothing can be wrong when you're in the right bathrobe, after all. She also receives a drawing that I guess her kids did. If her architect did it, she should consider hiring a new one who doesn't use crayons. It's a picture of her dream house, and it's all very moving. Something about her kids and her dreams and something something. I wonder if, after her one kid grows up and leaves home, she'll sit in the kitchen and stare into the glass door of the oven and go, "One down, one more to go." That would be sort of mean.

Once the basket-booty-collecting is complete, Danielle and Amy go outside and have a chat about the eviction of Marcellas. Danielle tells Amy that she's the one who voted to evict him, because he ferried information about her to Roddy, and so he had to go. Sympathy for the devil and all that. She says in the diary room -- but does not say to Amy -- that she also thinks Amy took information to Roddy. I absolutely cannot abide the tone of exaggerated gravity Danielle has adopted for this diary-room session. She's talking like this entire show is occurring on a cancer ward where everyone has three days to live. It's a damn game, Danielle. She talks some more about how she's working Amy, blah dee blah. I yell at her to go away, but she doesn't listen.

Lisa and Jason talk in the kitchen about his decision to evict Marcellas with the tiebreaker. Jason asks her whether she thinks he did the wrong thing, and she basically shrugs that he must have done what his heart told him to do, so that's fine. She also tells him she's sorry if she missed a meeting that she was supposed to vote for Marcellas, because they could have avoided putting Jason on the spot for the tiebreaker. Jason does his stutter-and-lie routine, making it even more perfectly obvious that there is something going on with him and Danielle that Lisa doesn't know about. Jason, Jason, Jason. You are not international-spy material, I am afraid. Jason tells Lisa that there was nothing to it -- Danielle just hadn't had a chance to tell Lisa what the plan was. A suspicious Lisa says slowly in the DR that she and Danielle had been around together quite a bit the day of the live show, and certainly there was time to tell her about the plan if Danielle had wanted to. I bet Jason was one of those kids who, if you asked him to cover for you and tell Mom and Dad you were at the library, would tell them something like, "She's at the library. You know, the plain old library! Nothing to worry about! It's not like she's at a keg party at Joey's house that his parents don't know about because they're in San Diego! Ho-ho, nope! The library, indeed!" As decoration, I enjoy Jason quite a lot. As an operator? I don't know.

Now here's the thing. For anyone who still thinks that Danielle has never been anything but loyal to Jason, consider this. Why would she have been unclear with Lisa? It made no difference in who was evicted, because Danielle knew that Jason would do what Danielle wanted in breaking the tie. The only differences between this outcome and the outcome where Danielle and Lisa both vote out Marcellas are that Lisa's vote against Amy is revealed, and Jason's vote against Marcellas is forced. What would have protected Jason best this week was to communicate clearly with Lisa that she wanted Marcellas out if he didn't veto himself, so that Jason wouldn't have to cast a vote at all. Danielle confused Lisa, in my opinion, to make Jason look bad. She knows that her odds against him in a final are very bad, but this maneuver gets her a possible vote in a final against Lisa (Amy's) and a possible vote in a final against Jason (Marcellas's -- he may hate her, but he seems angrier at Jason, and now at least he has to hate them both equally). So I don't really think she acted in Jason's interests here. Not that Jason seems to mind. Or notice. And if you don't believe me, consider that Jason appears to have asked Lisa during the HoH competition whom she voted for. Of course, this could have been for Lisa's benefit, but it also may mean that Jason didn't know Danielle was planning to spring the tie, either. See? I'm not so sure Danielle is playing to protect Jason, no matter what she may insist.

Danielle reassures Lisa in the bathroom that the whole débacle is nothing to worry about. Lisa is unconvinced. I think she's receiving secret messages through her exposed cleavage, which acts as a radio.

Julie Chen -- wait a minute, Julie Chen? It's Saturday! Doesn't Julie have something else she's supposed to be doing? Doesn't her family miss her? Did she fly to L.A. just for this? I guess not, because resplendent in her lavender sleeveless turtleneck, she's calling out to the houseguests, who are sitting in the yard and are quite surprised to hear her chipper voice. Time for the luxury competition, she announces. This is the Luxury Competition of Vile Betrayers, and the way it starts is that four cell phones have been placed around the house, and the houseguests are each to go run and get one. When they've done that, Julie tells them that they have each won a $1000 gift to send to a loved one and the chance to get a three-minute cell-phone call. They're all happy, but they know this isn't over. Even for these people, it would take a lot to consider finding a cell phone in a house that size in two minutes very challenging. , they each have to go into the diary room, one by one. Danielle goes in first. If you saw the peanut-butter-jar food competition last year, you'll understand basically how this works, but the deal is that each of them learns that they have a chance to win $5000 in addition to the prize and the call -- but if they take it, it means that everyone else in the house gets nothing. If more than one person accepts the offer, then who wins is determined by who has the lowest random number on the bottom of his or her cell phone. Danielle makes it clear that of course she wouldn't take the money at the expense of her housemates, except that she knows Amy will anyway. Ah, flogging Amy: it's the new black. She says that of course, neither Lisa nor Jason would take the money. But she's sure Amy will, so Danielle jumps on it.

Amy's turn. Hearing about the $5000 offer, she says she thinks it would be selfish, so she's not taking it. Aw. Please keep in mind that she doesn't know they're going to make her a better offer, so as far as she knows, she's just fully turned it down. Keep in mind also that Danielle only knew about the $5000, so her claim was clearly that Amy would sell them out for that amount. Take that, Danielle. But of course, Julie is not done with Amy. She ups the offer to $10,000. Worried that the other houseguests will take it, Amy suffers and struggles but eventually takes it. When Lisa comes in for her turn, she says no. No to the $5000. No when Julie turns it into $10,000. No when Julie turns it into $15,000. I think this is pretty genuine from Lisa -- I think she really believes (or at least hopes) that everyone will do the same thing, because at this point, the chance to hear from home is practically sacrosanct. When Jason comes in, he initially turns down the $5000. And he turns down the $10,000. But at $15,000, he jumps. Take that, Danielle. Most annoyingly, Jason says, "It's a game, I hope that they'll forgive me." Now it's true that this is a game. But this isn't the game they came here to play; it's a separate game. This isn't like nominating and voting, where somebody has to win and you came into the house for it to be you, and it's either you or them. They could have all chosen not to take the money, all had their phone calls, and all gotten to win a gift to send home. This is purely "more for me, rather than something for everyone," so it's not "the game" in the same way that they usually use that expression in the house.

Amy says that when Jason was in the DR for so long, she knew he was going to take it, which was a relief to her, because she didn't want to be the Lone Scumbag. They all go back to their phones to reveal the numbers. Lowest number, of those who took the offer? Amy. Lisa, in the DR, talks sheepishly about how stupid she now feels for having thought that no one would take the offer. Yeah, well, Lisa, you have no way of knowing until you get out that the key phrase in the house this week is not exactly "consistency between words and deeds." When they all gather back in the living room, Julie tells them that indeed, someone is getting paid $10,000. Lisa looks dismayed. Jason and Danielle smirk at each other, as they so often do. They suss out that Danielle took the offer and Jason took the offer, but when Jason jumps to the conclusion that they all took it and tries to high-five Lisa (big dope), she points out that she did not take any of the offers. Oops. This also rats out Amy, because Julie gave the amount, and Jason and Danielle know that that's not where either of them cracked.

"I didn't want $15,000," Lisa says in the DR, "I wanted to talk to my dad and give my mom a gift." Aw.

Amy reveals that Julie talked her into taking it by telling her that it was, after all, only two weeks until everybody would get to see their families. Jason, in the DR, says, "I shoulda known, I mean, Amy was going to win it." I'm not sure what that means. It had better be a tribute to Amy's luck and not a comment on Amy's character like the one Danielle made, because you took the money too, choir boy. ["I think he just means that Amy is often lucky in competitions; he's said that about her before." -- Wing Chun]

Later, Amy gets her phone call and talks to her family. Wow. Now those are some serious drawls. Where are the yellow subtitles when you really need them? "Ah'm doin' fahne, ah luv yoo, ah miss yoo," says Amy's dad. Hee. She asks after her dog, Bucky, and Dad assures her that Bucky's fine. Amy gets on the phone with her thirteen-year-old brother, and he tells her about his successful football season and his success in hunting doves. The dove-hunting seems to have surprised a lot of people, but it didn't surprise me at all. They're pigeons, basically, and in places where there's hunting, they're hunted. They're not endangered or anything, and shooting a dove doesn't actually do anything to damage peace that isn't done by eating a cow, so...you know, it's hunting. Amy talks to her mom, and says Mom is the one who's going to get the $1000 prize. Amy has to hang up pretty quickly, and doesn't seem to know what to say at the end except "Go, Rebels" (doesn't that seem like something the Amy character in a parody of this show would say at the end of a tearful phone call with her parents?), but she seems very heartened that she got to talk to them.

The girls all point out to Jason that he's the "last man standing." Everyone discusses the fact that, at first, it seemed like women were being eliminated at quite a rapid clip (Lori, Tonya, and Amy were the first three out), but then they made this big comeback -- of the six evictees, five were men. Of course, there aren't really enough people involved for that math to be interesting, and they're only one spot shifted from the two-to-two split that would represent complete parity, so I'm not sure I'm buying any "Girl Rally '02" t-shirts. Danielle finds the notion of Jason being the only man left much, much funnier than it is, though, because to her, the notion of a born-again Christian virgin in a house with three women is fundamentally hilarious. No, I'm not sure exactly why, either. Danielle just finds certain things funny, and she's one of those people who you wouldn't want to ask to explain the things they find funny, so you just do that eyebrow-raise and half-nod thing, and you go, "Yeah, right. Heh." And then you make the signal to whoever you're with that means you want to go home right now.

Jason does say that, from time to time, he's forced to sit through girl talk that he doesn't really want to be there for. You know, when I was in high school, I was friends with a bunch of girls, and we had one guy who hung around with us, and whenever he staged this complaint -- which was basically TMI, before TMI was coined -- he did it by referring to himself as "Doctor Tampon." Which we always thought was very funny. Of course, we were seventeen, and it was the age of Who's The Boss?, so I'm not sure we were qualified to judge funny. Anyway, Jason is unhappy that there are no men around that he can "lift weights or spit" with. Heh. I especially enjoy the part where Jason tries to pull off a big studly move by carrying two big water bottles at the same time. And he drops them. Oops. He should stick to cute, because studly is not happening. ["I would just like to add here that we have a water cooler in our house and I have often carried two bottles at once, which I guess means that I'm more studly than Jason. Yeah, that's right." -- Wing Chun]

It also turns out that Jason is sort of the butler, as he puts it. At night, when the women are in bed, he goes and gets them snacks. Woo, snacks! Jason is so helpful. And hey, it's always good to have someone who will run back and forth to the kitchen for you, even if it's not midnight. (Whenever I'm visiting my parents and my dad does something like this, his line is always, "Oh, here, let me wait on you hand and foot." Hee.) Jason talks in the DR about how he's the luckiest guy in America to be enslaved by this array of lovelies, and -- HEY! After using the "Just a Gigolo" vamp for weeks, they finally have an appropriate use for it. Get it? Because Jason IS just a gigolo! And everywhere he goes, people know the part he's playing! And, as with all reality show contestants, there will come a day when youth will pass away (ziddly bop), and what will they say about him? When they end comes, he knows they'll say "just a gigolo," and life really will go on without him! It's like they knew in advance we'd get here eventually. Excellent job, Music Cue Person!

And now, another incredibly dramatic moment centered on the furniture, as the houseguests notice that their small table has become an even smaller table. Again. There is much, much too much discussion about this table, I am telling you. Jason calls the new table "sobering." And "creepy." It's a table, isn't it? As in, a flat surface and four legs? Maybe Jason is afraid it will continue shrinking until the universe turns inside out and he becomes antimatter.

And now it's time for the only funny food competition in the history of ever. No, really. They put on swimsuits (of course), and then they go out into the back yard. The game this week involves transporting water from two big pools to seven smaller pools, each of which represents one night of catered meals for the week. The only way they can move the water is by putting on big sponge suits and soaking it up, and then running over to the little pools and squeezing it out. (And yes, they all look like SpongeBob Squarepants. Except that they don't have, you know, square pants. Which SpongeBob Squarepants does. What was I saying again?) Each time they fill a little pool to a red line, they win that food for that day.

Now, the first thing to note is that the sponge suits are really awkward and heavy -- they're not like clothes or anything, they're just big square hollow sponges with a hole for your face and holes for your hands to stick out, so they're extremely cumbersome to get around in. Moreover, once you get in the fill pool to get water, they weigh even more. This competition is not easy. Lisa gets to work filling up the Surf and Turf pool, while Amy goes after the Southern BBQ. (Yee-haw!) Lisa's sponge splits open at one point, and she's also wearing one of her many bathing suit bottoms that rides low on her hips in order to better display as much of her tattoo as possible without getting CBS in trouble with the FCC, so she's working hard trying to keep her sponge on and her pants up. And that pretty much requires about four arms, which is about two more than she has. Before long, everyone starts to get really tired from the weight of the suits, and their arms start to wear out from squeezing the water out. It's really odd that something so goofy actually appears to be one of the more taxing things they've done. The best part comes at the end, when everyone is tired, and Amy falls over while standing in the little Mexican food pool squeezing out her suit. (I am giggling out loud while typing this, which almost never happens.) TIM-BEEERR! She winds up stranded on her back like a turtle, waggling her head and her hands, which are all that's sticking out of the suit. By the time they get her to her feet, Amy has soaked up all the water that was in that pool, so they don't make it. When the time expires, they all just tip over in their sponges and fall on the ground. Ah, people in funny costumes falling down. What a cheap date I am. The end tally is that they landed five nights out of seven, which is really pretty good. They didn't win the Indian food or the Mexican food, but they got the BBQ, the Surf and Turf, the Chinese, the Japanese, and the Italian. Nice job. And a funny food competition. season, I would like to request more tipping over.

Nomination day. Everyone is somber. Lisa feels naked. All right, all right, all you Lisa oglers can relax -- she's not literally naked. Danielle discusses how deeply she loves everyone. Whatever, Countdown Queen. The nomination ritual is as boring as ever, but it's mercifully short -- only Jason gets a key, so Lisa and Amy are up. The only things notable about Danielle's speech are that she is casually unkind to Amy, hammering yet again on the fact that Amy was gone for two weeks, like, SHUT UP about that already, and also mentioning that Amy is, of course, nominated again so as not to "break tradition." Amy, being the good sport she's turned into, laughs at a joke at her own expense -- just as she always does. Danielle encourages Lisa and Amy to use their feminine wiles on Jason this week as he decides who to boot. I am so tired of Danielle. At this point, any outcome is all right with me except Danielle winning, which would completely horrify me.

Wednesday. Previously, Danielle was unbelievably irritating.

Blue-and-white nominations. I think this nomination rehash music with the little percussive triplet bell ("dinkdinkdinkdink... dinkdinkdinkdink") is my favorite of the regular music selections. I definitely prefer it to the sexually aggressive Theme From HoH Nomination Preparations, and to the somber Post-Eviction Swells Of Pain For Strings. Back in color, Danielle asks Amy whether she liked the speech, and Amy tells her she did. Lisa DRs that she thinks she'll be in the final two. Jason, in turn, DRs that it might be smart to keep Amy, because the evictees wouldn't be likely to let her take home the money, which I think is true. I think that had Jason kept Amy, he would have guaranteed that either he or Danielle would have won the money, which is why I really don't understand what he did this week at all. But anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. Amy says again in the DR that Jason works alone, and doesn't have alliances. Oh, dear.

The houseguests stare at the memory wall and all the black-and-white pictures. Lisa talks about how much she misses Eric, blah dee blah. Danielle talks again in that horrible Deadly Serious DR session about how she now has "feelings," because "these people are [her] friends." Yeah. And it's nice, the way you talk about them when they're not around. Once again, I will point out that in my opinion, "friends" is in what you do, not what you say. I'd be interested to know how many of the other people she considers her "friends" think of her as their "friend."

Amy and Jason jaw about how the south has held up remarkably well in the game. And then I have about a twenty-second interruption for a tornado warning, and by the time we get back, they're starting in on the BBQ food. Lisa says that she's never had ribs, so Jason and Amy show her how to properly gnaw on them and suck the bones. ["My sister and I were horrified when Lisa couldn't even recognize what the ribs were. Glark -- who is a vegetarian -- said he'd never had ribs either, but we pointed out that if he saw some in a take-out tray, he wouldn't have to ask what they were. More proof for my theory that Lisa, while a really nice girl, is a bit dim." -- Wing Chun] Lisa is sort of surprised that you're actually supposed to suck on the bones. Later that night, Jason tells Danielle in the kitchen that his family will tell him later that he did the right thing by hooking up with Danielle. He also says that before he even got into the house, he planned to align himself with someone in the house who was different from himself -- "probably female, probably a mother." He even says his father told him he needed to meet a smart black woman. Danielle looks shocked, but I think just in a "you don't say" kind of way, not in a "your father sucks" kind of way. And then Jason and Danielle sit around for ten minutes talking about how wonderful and brilliant their alliance was. You know, I do give them credit for keeping it a secret, because that is indeed a huge part of a successful alliance. But I also hope they understand that with a group of twelve people, you can't actually manipulate everything that happens with an alliance of two. In other words, they played really well, but they also benefited from the way the circumstances fell. They certainly didn't play so well that they somehow guaranteed their victory. Other people could have swung things in another direction at several points along the way. They benefited from Josh's meltdown, from Gerry's bad hygiene, from Chiara and Amy's catfight, from Tonya's decision to yell at Amy and Marcellas...in other words, there's no strategy that guarantees you victory, and I certainly hope they know that. They were good, but they weren't that good. This worked partly because they got lucky. Repeatedly.

Jason has a little crush on Lisa, as it turns out, which is kind of cute. He tells her how gorgeous she is in the morning, and in the DR, you can completely tell how swell he thinks she is. In the DR, Danielle has to mock this, as she mocks everything else that anyone does, and she expresses disbelief that he used the word "beautiful." "What man uses the word 'beautiful'?" she says. Er, lots of them? You can tell she's grasping for ways to be above this, because there's nothing all that amusing about telling women they're beautiful. Is she...what, is she jealous? Is she just reflexively contemptuous? Anyway, there's some more Jason/Lisa flirting, and then he says in the DR that while he admits he's attracted to Lisa, he has no delusions: "You've seen Eric." Cut to a shot of Eric, literally tinted green like the Hulk, lifting weights. Ha! Witty. It would be a shame, indeed, if Eric crushed Jason's head like a ripe tomato.

Time for the luxury competition. This week, it involves riding a motorized surfboard that's sort of like a mechanical bull. Not interesting. Really, really not. The prize is a sunset cruise on the Pacific -- and, more to the point, a chance to leave the house for the evening. The two top finishers will go on the cruise, while the two others will stay home. Jason talks about how desperately he wanted the prize, as does Amy. And in the end, those are the winners. I mean, I could go on at some length about the tipping and squatting and leaning and falling, but if you've seen Urban Cowboy, you really don't need it.

Time for Amy and Jason to get ready for the cruise. Amy dons her boozy white Marilyn dress. She's concerned that it makes her look flat-chested, but the girls assure her that it doesn't. When it's time to go, she and Jason are blindfolded and led from the house to a limo by way of a rope along which they have to feel their way. They chat in the car, still blindfolded, about how excited they are to just see something besides the back yard. Back at the house, Danielle and Lisa delicately start to discuss strategy. On the sailboat, Amy and Jason leave the dock and take off into the water. ["Glark and I got a nerdy thrill from the fact that they ended up in Marina del Rey, where we lived a few years ago." -- Wing Chun] The ocean is gorgeous, the sail is raised (or whatever a sailing person would say), and they head for the open water. They see some birds. And some seals. And before long, Amy starts to feel queasy. She takes the wheel for a while to calm her stomach, but it doesn't work too well. Amy's food is churning. The water does look a little choppy, and when Jason appears with a basket of food, she's more interested in a Sprite for her upset tummy. Before long, she heads for the side of the boat, leans over, and dumps her guts. Jason holds her hair back. Aw. She's terribly embarrassed, of course, because...how could you not be? But once it's over, she does seem to feel a little more solid.

Danielle and Lisa sit around the dining room and ridicule Amy, because...well, frankly, I don't know why the hell they have to do that. They make fun of her for flirting, for having hips, for liking Jason...sigh. She certainly has become the recreational target, no? It's so depressing when people are just small for no reason. I mean, it can be fun, but it's still depressing.

Back on the boat, Jason and Amy have a nice time together as the sun sets. They go below (ew! No, not like that!) and have dinner, and Jason DRs that Amy looked beautiful, even post-puking. Aw.

Danielle and Lisa wait for Jason and Amy to come home. They discuss the possibility of going to bed before they get home, and as Jason and Amy depart the boat, they express some concern that there might be furniture shoved in front of the doors when they get back. Upon their return, however, they get back into the house without difficulty. They tell the glorious stories of the day -- of the seals, of the dinner, and of Amy's uncooperative innards and their rebellious nature. Oh, those crazy innards! What will they think of ? Danielle and Lisa smile indulgently.

We interrupt this program for a Lizard Status Report. Danielle hates the lizards. Amy hates the lizards. Lisa has mixed feelings about the lizards. Jason feels a strange pity for them, because their two caretakers (Eric and Gerry) are both gone now, so he thinks he's obligated at least to try to care for them a little. Do you remember Amy in the first episode, going, "Ah luuhve rep-tahles"? She must have changed her mind. Thank you for watching this Lizard Status Report. If this had been an actual Lizard Status Emergency, a large lizard would have crashed through the wall of your house while you were reading it.

Time for America's Choice. This week, the question is which houseguest America wants to have an Internet chat with. When they learn what the question is, the houseguests all sit around and have a boring conversation about who will win. Then, before the actual winner is announced, they are all brought into the house, where printouts of their fan sites have been set out for them. As Jessica and Wing accurately pointed out last year at this time, they do not show them their TWoP threads, because those involved are afraid to smell what the posters are cooking. Or something. Man, I didn't even know Danielle had a fan site. Who would make a fan site for Danielle? Anyway, Danielle is especially impressed that at least one lesbian has expressed that she finds Danielle hot. Jason's site looks like it came from the wall of a bordello. It's like the internet equivalent of a black velvet Elvis. You know, speaking of how we were horribly overlooked, I have to say, the saddest thing about recapping reality shows is that we never get shout-outs. Never. No characters named after us getting into car accidents, no characters named after us dying humiliating deaths, no megalomaniacal writer/producers spending entire episodes spiting us, no interjections in our honor...pitiful.

At any rate, it is revealed that Lisa has won America's Choice, and she heads into the HoH room for her chat. Everyone asks boring questions. The only interesting part is that Eric shows up at the end to say...well, "hi." Oh, and she says that her favorite memory of the house is "when Eric spelled 'hi' in [her] peanut butter," and I cannot tell you how much I don't want or need to know what the hell that's about. ["I seem to recall from the live feed recaps that he made her toast and used his finger to spell 'hi' on it." -- Wing Chun] She's happy to know that Eric doesn't hate her for voting him out of the house. After the chat, she runs outside to tell the other houseguests about her chat, although her running is a bit slowed by the fact that she has to hold both the front and the back of her tube top, which seems to be made out of a Uconn t-shirt, to keep it from falling down. She arrives at the table fully clothed. They are all excited for her that Eric showed up. She is positively giddy, and while it should be annoying, it's sort of cute, because she's turned out to really be a relatively nice girl.

Blah dee blah, everyone DRs that the HOH will be huge. Yes. We know.

Thursday. Previously, Amy threw up.

Julie Chen is not wearing ruffles. Julie Chen is wearing a simple, understated black top and black leather pants. Aside from the really, really conspicuous mic wire, Julie looks like a million bucks. Her hair isn't even that big. Totally bizarre. She talks about how Jason has to decide whom to evict, and how he might evict Lisa, in spite of his "schoolboy crush on her." Oh, Julie, don't embarrass the boy like that. Is that necessary?

Danielle DRs that she hopes to make it to the final two with Jason, but that if it's not the two of them, she certainly hopes it will be her and somebody else. Jason, meanwhile, DRs that he would never abandon his ten-week alliance to Danielle. He says, in fact, that if the third person wins HoH in the last week, he'll push for her to take Danielle to the final two. Wow. Danielle certainly does have this kid snowed. However manipulative you think Roddy was, I'm not sure he could have convinced anyone to attempt to eliminate himself one week before the end. You're crazy, Jason. Cute, but crazy.

Lisa is thinking clearly, on the other hand, and she says that she thinks she can't beat Jason, and she's not sure whether she could beat Danielle, but she knows her odds are a heck of a lot better against Danielle. A very good analysis -- she has no way of knowing that most of the evicted houseguests talk about Danielle with great vitriol these days, so I think she underestimates her chances in that face-off. By my count, she beats Danielle in a walk, about 7-3 or so. (Amy, Eric, Roddy, Gerry, Tonya, Marcellas, and Chiara versus Josh, Jason, and Lori, with both Kiki and Lori questionable). But she's at least got her eye on the ball, which is more than one can obviously say for Jason.

Amy DRs that she would keep Danielle with her if it came to that, because she wants Danielle to win. (In case you haven't seen Amy's post-eviction interviews, that feeling did not last once she saw the horrible way Danielle talked about everyone else in the house when they weren't looking.) Amy has gotten to be weirdly endearing with this apple-cheeked routine. Ever since the people who made her feel crappy about herself every day (namely Roddy and Marcellas) left the house, she seems to have just bloomed in this really nice way. Yay, Amy.

As we watch the blue-and-white noms again, Lisa comments that Jason is so obviously a bigger threat to Danielle than Lisa is that Lisa doesn't understand why Danielle wouldn't put him up -- unless they have some kind of deal. Ah, the light begins to dawn. Danielle laughs smugly in the DR about how no one knows about her alliance. Yes, again. If I had known how often I would need the phrase "Danielle laughs smugly in the DR," I would have made a macro for it weeks ago, because it alone is giving me carpal tunnel. Lisa begins to figure out that Danielle and Jason are in a two-person alliance, and that she is the accessory they intend to ditch at the very end. Then, in the hot tub, all four remaining houseguests sit together and Amy expresses her happiness that they're all playing straight with each other, and that there aren't any alliances. Again, ow. She's going to be so sad when she looks at this later.

Blue-and-white Danielle tells the girls again to flirt with Jason to get his vote. The girls flirt with Jason. Jason likes it. He admits in the diary room that he's really not playing to take someone to the end that he can beat; he's just taking Danielle. Because he said he would. Jason? Yeah, you're an idiot. Alliances do not go that far, my dear. You don't actually have to hand her the damn money. The idea is to survive as long as possible, not to be her freaking sock puppet. What is it about this that Jason doesn't understand? He says that he's making this decision solely based on who he thinks he and Danielle can beat in the HoH competition.

Julie comes to the houseguests in the living room, and teases Jason about all the flirting. Then she asks him how it feels to be the man making the big decision, and he says it's "horrible," but he's "got to do it." Blah dee blah it's-a-game yakkety yak. Julie asks whether Jason has been influenced by the flirting, and he says he "can't kiss and tell." Snore. Like there would be anything to tell. Julie asks Lisa about her internet chat, and Lisa calls it "amazing." She grins and giggles and really flashes those huge teeth. Was it great to hear from Eric? Great insightful question, there, Julie. Lisa says yes, you will be shocked to know, and this segment becomes so dull that I look out the window and realize that life is passing me by, like, right this minute. Julie then asks Amy about the three-minute phone call, and whether Amy would have been able to keep it a secret if the rest of the folks hadn't pried it out of her. She says she wouldn't have -- "you can't keep a secret from Danielle." Because Danielle is so brilliant. Okay, Jason, can you hold my hair back now?

Now, we have a segment on how the people in the house managed to stay in the house so long. Danielle is smug in the DR again about how great she is for "playing" Amy, and fooling her into thinking she didn't have an alliance. Please, please, please tell me Danielle isn't going to win. I just can't freaking take it. We revisit the Jason/Danielle alliance, and how brilliant they were for keeping it a secret. God, I GET IT already. All four houseguests chat in the hot tub about when they think power in the house shifted, and all agree that it was the eviction of Eric, which is interesting in that Lisa was allied with Eric, so it doesn't seem like it would matter. But of course, the key is that after Eric left, Lisa went over to Danielle/Jason/Marcellas's side against Roddy/Josh/Chiara. So it wasn't just the eviction of Eric, it was the turning of Lisa. Similarly, Lisa DRs about how Amy's return was also huge, in the sense that it meant the end of Kiki, which in turn weakened Roddy...you can see how it falls. Whereas, as Lisa correctly surmised, if Eric had returned and won HoH, the two nominees would have been completely different. Lisa's decision to raise that red paddle may turn out to be quite the masterstroke, depending on what happens .

"To make it in this game, you need patience," Lisa says simply in the DR. And that, as a matter of fact, is as eloquent and simple a summation of the killer quality that makes a good BB contestant as you're ever going to hear. What killed Josh? He made himself the asshole on the very first night. What killed Roddy? Too much maneuvering too early, to make himself into the leader. How did Danielle and Jason do so well? By doing very little for several weeks. Lisa has this exactly right -- patience is probably the major divider between good players and bad. Amy thinks you need a good sense of humor, which is certainly true if you're going to survive the kind of crappy treatment Amy has put up with. Danielle gives a little salute to "trust" and "friendship" and "loyalty," which is just about as hollow as a cheap chocolate Easter bunny, because Danielle doesn't know crap about any of those three words as applied to anyone in the house except Jason. Shut up, Danielle, seriously.

Danielle's HoH interview. What's most bizarre about this interview is that Danielle takes on a completely different affect. She sounds nothing like she does the rest of the time. She's talking in this sweetcakes voice, all soft and giggly and high-pitched. I haven't got a clue why she thinks this is going to help. Danielle does sometimes function as if she forgets that she's on TV other than on the live show. This cooing in the HoH room isn't going to do a whole lot to wipe anybody's memory clean of the way she's been trashing everyone in the DR and in conversations behind their backs. Julie asks Danielle if she's ever had doubts about her alliance with Jason. She says no, blah dee blah, total loyalty, whatever. Julie then asks whether Jason did the "dirty work." Danielle agrees that this is so, but insists that she was "innocent as a dove, but sly as a snake." You know, I'm about to be able to tell you honestly that I detest Danielle almost as much as any reality-show contestant, ever. ["Holy shit. Coming from someone who recapped thirteen episodes of Wil, that is saying a lot." -- Wing Chun] She is just as self-absorbed and full of crap as Roddy ever was, and she's not even mildly amusing to make up for it. Shut. Up. Danielle. You do not have supernatural powers, so stop acting like your intelligence is of mythical proportions.

Before we go to the eviction, Julie says that we're going to check in with some of the evictees about how things have been going since they left. First, we check on Lori. She says that she missed her family and her boyfriend while she was in the house, so she doesn't appear to be too horribly upset about her ouster. She says she was surprised that Roddy voted against her, but it wasn't any great offense to her. She also recalls how annoyed she was by everyone's ganging up on Gerry over his hand-washing (or lack thereof). Of course, she looked kind of crazy for that at the time, but now it's clear that she saw the direction it was going quite accurately. She also expresses some sympathy for Amy and her poor choices about drinking. She and her kids watch the show where Amy is swigging in the white dress, and Lori's daughter says, "That's sad." Which is just how I reacted.

In Vegas, Tonya and her boobs talk about how happy they are to be back with the kids. We see a brief clip of her in the hot tub, grabbing her boobs and talking about how much she loves them (her boobs, not her kids), and then we see Danielle in the Big Bed Room telling Marcellas how embarrassed she thinks Tonya's kids must be. Tonya talks about how conniving and deceitful Danielle turned out to be, and how unfair it is for anyone to suggest that just because Tonya's a mom, she shouldn't be sexy. Oh, good grief. I don't really have the energy for the full rant on the difference between being sexy and looking like you walked out of an X-rated cartoon. Suffice it to say that there is nothing wrong with being a mom and being sexy, but there is something wrong with being a mom -- or being anyone else, in fact -- and behaving like an embarrassing buffoon in public. I do believe that all of these people who have kids should think about how they're going to look, because your kids don't need to see you take a whipped-cream shower with other people on television any more than they need to see you take a whipped-cream shower with other people in your house. If you can't accept that your kids are part of the audience, don't go at all. See? Really just a mini-rant. Tonya reaffirms what a good decision it was to rip into Amy and Marcellas over something Amy didn't even do, because "they both deserved it." You know, as unhappy as I originally was when they booted this person instead of Josh, I think it was easier to take Josh in the house for a few more weeks than it would have been to put up with this nimrod. Thank goodness she was gone quickly. Interestingly, there is not one glimpse of Tonya's boyfriend. One wonders whether he's around.

The Tango of Lust takes us to Eric, back in Connecticut at the fire station. Well, as it turns out, he was actually suspended for two weeks for going on television and being gone longer than he was supposed to (oops), but he's taking it well. Hanging out with the family, eating peanut butter, and missing Lisa. He does admit that having his mother see him tell Lisa that he wanted her to go "wild" was just a tiny bit embarrassing, but he assures us that mom is totally cool. He also says that he "won because [he] met Lisa." Aw. That's kinda cute. ["It is, and very different than when Chiara says it, in the episode, about Roddy." -- Wing Chun]

Ugh, Roddy. He's in Vegas, and he hits on some girls in the pool. EW. He also says that he's tired of people giving him tips like "look out for Danielle" when he's not in the house anymore. He goes on and on and ON about how unfair it was that Danielle called him the devil, when really he's just this wonderful, marvelous, fabulous, caring guy. He actually calls himself "charming." And there's pretty much nothing less charming than that. Also, Roddy looks weird. His hair (what there is of it) looks weird. He just...he looks weird. "I don't know if I'll ever forget that that woman did that to me," he blusters. Thanks so much for the PSA on your own fabulousness. It really is the greatest cause to which a man can be truly devoted. He also revels in the Amy/Chiara fighting over him, calling it "the last ten minutes of Scarface." You can tell that he was absolutely freaking delighted when he got home and saw how much of a stud he apparently believes that made him appear to be. He talks some more about how meaningless Chiara was to him, as he's been doing since he was evicted, and they show a clip of her saying she was excited to have her parents meet him and him saying "That's nice," which of course makes it look like he never led her on. It would have been nice if they had shown him taking her all through how much he was looking forward to having his parents meet her. I'm hardly a defender of most of what Chiara did, and certainly she jumped the gun by choosing children's names, but she wasn't entirely without reason to be a little misled on the issue of whether they were dating. He wraps up by insisting that his strategy was "to not lie." To some degree, I actually think this is true. But he doesn't really include the other parts of his strategy, where he took advantage of people like Amy and Chiara and made them feel horrible. Which isn't unfair, of course, in terms of game play, but which goes a bit beyond just trying to be the world's most swellest guy.

Back in the house, it's almost time for the vote. Julie asks Amy about her constant nominations -- she asks Amy if Amy's feeling a little bit like she's in Groundhog Day. Heh. Amy says that it gets easier every time to be nominated. Julie asks Lisa whether this is easier or harder than the time she was nominated against Eric. Lisa says, of course, that it was harder to be nominated against Eric, because she knew that -- boo hoo -- one of them would have to leave, and that would be so very, very sad, and angels would weep, and children would go hungry, and dolphins would die in nets, and ancient meadows would die and go to seed. Amy and Lisa both get a chance to make a statement to Jason to try to convince him to keep them, but neither really takes advantage of it. Amy's speech is very sweet, about how much she loves everyone. Of course, Amy has certainly had plenty of chances to say that before, considering that she's nominated pretty much always. Lisa says many of the same things -- she loves everyone, she's been thrilled to share the last week with them, and so on. Julie promises that it's almost time for the vote. I certainly hope so, because this week has been slower than slow.

After the commercial, Julie re-rehashes the circumstances under which the two nominees got where they are, and then she goes back to the living room for the live eviction. Jason talks about how much he really is crazy about both Amy and Lisa, and what a great, fun week they've all had together. He doesn't drag it out too much, and votes to evict Amy. She's very warm and funny about her eviction, and as they walk her to the door, there are lots of hugs and kisses. This is so different from her last eviction -- she was so obviously so unhappy that time, and her demeanor was so pinched and phony, and now she seems so genuinely happy that it's much less painful. She comes over to talk to Julie, and we go back to the house, where they're all feeling good about having made it to the final three, but where they're also talking pretty genuinely about the fact that they're going to miss Amy.

Amy's Chenterview is quite upbeat and happy. She talks about how surprised she is that she even got as far as she did, and she knew from the beginning of her return to the house that she wouldn't actually win the money. That's probably why she was so much more appealing than some of the other people were -- I do sort of think Amy was past playing to win once she came back to the house. After she got Kiki out, she was really pretty happy to enjoy the game. She tried to stay in, but she also tried to have fun, and I admire her for that. Julie asks her whether she still believes that the house didn't have alliances at the end, and she uneasily says yes, knowing that Julie is clearly going somewhere with this. Julie asks her whether she'd be surprised to know that Danielle and Jason had an alliance from the first week, and Amy says yes, she's surprised. But she insists that she doesn't mind. Julie asks her about turning into a crybaby, and about whether she's become a better person, and Amy says yes. She's learned a lot. She watches her goodbye videos. I think Lisa and Jason are quite sincere. Danielle has to take the opportunity to be insulting some more, implying (as people so often do with Amy) that she's learned to tolerate Amy, even though Amy's so annoying. Shut up, Danielle. Jason promises her that he won't stand her up for their date to the fair. Aw. Maybe they can hold hands and kiss with their mouths closed. After the videos, Julie asks her who she's rooting for. "Danielle," she says simply. Ugh. Sucker.

Then Julie tells Amy that her mom and Bucky have come to pick her up. "Oh, Bucky!" Amy yells. Bucky and Mom come in the door of the studio, and Bucky skitters across the floor. He's so excited to see Amy that he, of course, pees on the floor. Amy loves him anyway. Because Amy is all about the unconditional love, even if you pee on her, which is pretty much the lesson of Amy's entire stay in the house. She fusses over Bucky so much, in fact, that she does not even greet her mother in the time before they cut back to Julie. Not even "Hi, Mom." That must really be some dog.

Time for HoH. The houseguests are sent out into the back yard to start what Julie says is a three-part competition. This part starts when they all climb into an above-ground pool and get into little life rafts. Then they paddle out into the middle of the pool and all put their hands on their keys, which are in a mockup nomination box. In a game reminiscent of last year's bed competition a week earlier in the proceedings, they all now have to stay in their boats with their hands on their keys, and the last person holding on is the winner. They ask some questions, and eventually Julie tells them to shut up so we can go to commercial.

When we return from the last commercial, the folks in the pool are subjected to a faked-up rainstorm in order to heighten the suspense and the level of difficulty. One thing this does is put water into everyone's boat, so they have to bail and bail with the little cups they've been given. Fake lightning, fake thunder, lots of water pouring down. It's really dramatic, and is in fact a very realistic depiction of the Rainforest Caf at the Mall of America. We fade out on Lisa, Jason, and Danielle, clinging to their keys.

week: It is off!