Previously on Big Brother 3: Marcellas kicked Amy when she was down. Roddy kicked Amy when she was down. Amy was down quite a lot, actually. Sometimes face-first. Roddy danced like a circus bear, but could do nothing to prevent his ouster by his resolute housemates once his Voodoo Vibes of Love failed to persuade Amy to use the veto to rescue him. It was okay, though, because his mother still loved him. For some reason. Something nefarious was going on in the general vicinity of Jason's hair, but whatever it was did not prevent him from grabbing HoH in one of the shortest competitions ever.
Blue-and-white Roddy is evicted some more. Over the usual gloomy dirge, Jason says in the DR that Roddy was "an amazing leader." Danielle says "Nothing personal, just business" again. You know, I'm starting to think Danielle's diary room sessions are entirely made up of a set of phrases she has on index cards. The countdown, "Nothing personal, just business," "He's the devil," "That girl gone crazy!" and so forth. She should just start calling out the numbers of the cards. Like, she could tell us that number three is "nothing personal, just business," and then in the DR, she could just yell out, "Number three!" We would all try to remember to think it was funny. Or at least as funny as we think it is now. "Ho-ho-ho, number three!," we would chortle uncomfortably. Anyway, Jason tells us that Lisa really wanted to give Roddy a "sympathy vote," but Danielle and Marcellas were against it, so it didn't happen. Because Danielle and Marcellas are the boss of everyone, I suppose. Oy. Amy DRs that Roddy was "a magnificent person." Of course, if you saw her "Oh, Roddy, you melted my icy heart with your acetylene torch of kindness and generosity" speech last week, you've certainly seen worse. In fact, you've probably seen your own stomach contents, so we have nowhere to go but up.
Marcellas: "Roddy. Deserved. To go. He wasn't playing well, and he wasn't playing honorably." In case you haven't noticed, Marcellas's nobility theme has been snowballing out of control, and this is the week it is beginning to roll over entire European chalets and swallow the locals, so that all you can see sticking out of the snowball is their skis. And the occasional red snow boot. It's all about personal goodness from here on in -- Marcellas good, Roddy bad. In fact, Marcellas good, everyone else bad. It's a morality play, dammit, and Marcellas is all the actors, the director, and the audience. Everyone else is just props. Props, I tell you!
Lisa tells us that she and Roddy had a chat before the live show, in which he asked her if he was being evicted, and she claimed not to know. He, not having been born literally yesterday, knew that this was un-secret un-cryptic un-code for "You bet your sweet diabolical ass you are." At that point, even knowing the voting was over and done with, he hit Lisa with a guilt trip. "Realize," we see him tell her in blue-and-white, "I didn't do anything besides being really good." Now, despite the fact that there is a weird sense in which this is true -- he became a target for good play before he became a target for being an utter ass -- that comment is just...I mean, who says things like that about himself? Does he look in the mirror in the morning and fight the urge to propose to himself? Does he stare into his own eyes with adoration, wondering how he can go on, knowing he will never meet anyone who will measure up to his reflection? In other news involving enormous egos, melodrama, and idiots, Marcellas tells Lisa not to feel bad about Roddy, because "he could be a cult leader." Right. Leave it to Marcellas to step on the punch line by managing to blow even something genuinely notable out of proportion. Roddy is charismatic and manipulative, but it's not like he's making people think he's Jesus. I wish Marcellas could just say, "He was good, but he overplayed his hand, and he had to go," which would be about right, and move on. Sigh. Look at me, waving at the parade that's already gone by.
Marcellas, of course, does not move on. Marcellas never moves on. Marcellas remains chained to every boulder of self-righteousness he has ever stumbled across. He continues to share his wisdom about Roddy. "It takes a personality that is only about themselves [sic], and only wants to see what they want. I hope that he has an epiphany outside of this house when he sees the tapes and he sees how much people cared about him and what people did for him." In case you're keeping score at home with regard to the big plot points of the season, you can call that the moment Marcellas moved from self-aggrandizement into self-parody. Furthermore, I think Marcellas is a little freewheeling with the word "epiphany." ("I prefer Kleenex without lotion to Kleenex with lotion. I have had an epiphany!" "I can make hamburgers in my George Foreman Lean, Mean, Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine! I have had an epiphany!")
Amy continues burbling into a tissue in a corner of the back yard, perched on the end of one of the lounge chairs. In the diary room, she explains that she came into the house as a "backstabbing witch," and now she's a big "crybaby." It doesn't appear to occur to her, sadly, that she's been deliberately played as well as carelessly mistreated, and that's part of why her nerves are frayed. In the diary room, Jason says that when they were doing the live show and Julie asked Roddy about Amy's decision not to use the veto, Jason was shocked that Roddy once again flogged the equine corpse of the deal he had had with Amy and her failure to stick to it. Of course, as much as I hate to defend anything Roddy did in his last week in the house...he did, in fact, have that deal with Amy. And she did, in fact, break it. Don't get me wrong -- I think she was well within her rights to break it, declare it null and void, declare the assumptions underlying it to be cast aside, declare him to have voided it by getting her booted the first time. But she did break the deal. Back in the yard, Danielle and Lisa approach Amy and start helping her pull it together. Of course, in the diary room, Amy reiterates that she should have vetoed Roddy. In which case, of course, she'd be gone right now. What stinks the most about this is that no matter what she did, Roddy wouldn't have liked her any better. He would never have been kind to her, he would never have shown loyalty to her, and he would never have made her feel good about herself. Roddy clearly has an overwhelming sense of entitlement about the way other people should treat him, and he clearly considered Amy's self-sacrifice, in the form of vetoing him and ensuring her own ouster, to be the least she could do for him. It's not as if he would have been grateful. There has been nothing in this for Amy from the beginning, and there never would have been.
Marcellas gets back on his very highest of horses and continues banging the drum of righteousness about Roddy, saying, "I'm not happy he's gone. But does he deserve to be in this game? No, he doesn't. He doesn't. He doesn't. He doesn't. Sorry, he doesn't." Not that Marcellas is trying to convince himself or anything. It's just that the melodious sound of his own voice is so hypnotic that once he hears himself say something, it's hard for him to resist the urge to hear himself say it again.
"Seven down, and three to go." Shut up, Danielle. And isn't that supposed to be "Six down and one friend, and three to go"? When did Kiki's demotion come through? Now Kiki's just another one down? I wonder if she had to give back her key to the underground parking garage of Danielle's esteem.
And now, it's time to hear a little more about the drama that was the most recent HoH competition. It turns out that Jason and Danielle had planned to throw HoH, and found themselves in a bit of a bind when Amy and Lisa both took a dive on the first question. It's actually a little funny when they talk later about how shocked they were and laugh about the moment in which they peeked at each other over the little barriers, doing their best "What now, chief?" thing. In other HoH news, Marcellas says he feels safe with Jason wearing the Big Fluffy, because of course he's got an in with Jason and Danielle. Lisa says essentially the same thing. Uh oh. Jason voices over that although he and Danielle have acted like they had deals with both Marcellas and Lisa about going to the final three, the time is rapidly approaching when they will have to put up or shut up, because while Jason is no math genius, he does realize that you can't have four people in the final three. Unless, you know, two of them are really short. He goes into the HoH room to inspect the gift basket. The big excitement is the Moulin Rouge! soundtrack as his CD for the week, but I have to wonder whether it's really the same without the dancing girls and the trapeze. He also talks about how much he likes the privacy that he's able to get in the HoH room.
In the living room, Amy tells Jason that it would have been nice if he had won last week, when he had promised not to put her up, as opposed to this week, when she knows he has no obligations. He chuckles uncomfortably, knowing it's only a matter of time before Amy turns into cannon fodder, and thus undoubtedly feeling like he's in one of those old cartoons where two guys are stuck on an island, and every time one looks at the other one, he sees his head turn into a ham. In the Aquarium Room, Amy unpacks, but only partially. She voices over that she told Danielle she wasn't going to even bother unpacking everything, and Danielle told her not to assume anything, which is what Danielle tells everyone all the time, so I certainly hope Amy knows not to rely too heavily on it. Danielle herself says that things are going the way she wanted so far, but she's always edgy and nervous, which is what she thinks makes her a good player.
The morning, Jason is the first awake, and when he walks by the living-room plasma screen, he sees that once again, it says, "Expect the Unexpected." Jason does not take this as good news. "Not while I'm head of household," he mutters despairingly under his breath. Heh. As people wake up, there is quite a bit of anxiety about what this means. Amy says that it's okay with her, as long as they're "not bringing Chiara or Tonya back to kill me." Snerk. Later, they gather in the living room to find out what this is all about. Jason emerges with a little box that holds the big secret.
When Jason opens the box, it is the veto medallion, only it's gold. Or, you know, golden. Kind of like movie theater popcorn. I can never get used to the fact that officially, that stuff is called "golden flavoring" instead of butter. What color, after all, is "golden"? I'm sorry, what was I saying? Oh, anyway, they're calling this The Golden Veto, unsurprisingly. This is the last veto of the season, and the last shot at taking a nominee off the block. What makes this one "golden," however, is that if it is won by a nominee, the nominee can take himself or herself off the block. Incidentally, as Wing and I were saying recently, all vetoes should work this way. It's absurd to have a veto you can't use to save yourself, and this gimmick would be far more interesting if you could save yourself. The way they set up the veto this year, it's not surprising that it was almost never used. The veto holder has no power over who's nominated when they use the veto, so they have very little control over what happens. Without knowing who will go up instead, it's very risky to use it, considering that you will wind up pissing off (1) the HoH; and (2) whoever subs in as a nominee. Then, factor in the fact that the only person you might make happy is the person you veto, and that person probably has a target on his back anyway. In the end, the cost-benefit analysis suggests that except in special circumstances, you wouldn't use it. The only way you can set it up so that people will use it with any regularity is to either tweak it in some way (to give the user more power over who subs in) or to let them veto themselves. After all, any sane person -- any sane person -- will use it to save himself if applicable, right? Right?
Oh, and Danielle finds the Golden Veto "scandalous." I shudder to think what word Danielle would use to describe, say, a public figure taking bribes while smoking pot with a hooker in a bunny costume, because she certainly has worn the hell out of "scandalous."
Food competition time. The group is told that they will all have to dress formally for a dinner party. Because they've recently scored the new threads from the America's Choice competition, I will give them credit for the fact that they all do look pretty good. All three of the women have black dresses, Marcellas is in a black suit with a white shirt, looking quite the male model, and Jason is one of the only men I've ever seen who I sort of like in a cream-colored dinner jacket. Yeah, it's a little bit Dean Martin, but he has a whole strange retro thing going anyway, so I can overlook it. Furthermore, I am nearly giddy at the fact that he has gone back to combing his hair, now that the government scientists have presumably harvested whatever life-saving fungus they were using his head to grow. They pick teams, and Danielle and Marcellas wind up going up against Amy and Lisa. Everyone is then sent into the back yard, which is set up with a quasi-Gothic layout that looks like they're having dinner at Dracula's country house. Lisa describes it as "sexy as hell," which I think might be a little too much, given that it's still a big phony yard with cameras and lights that look like they came from a high school football stadium. Of course, Lisa finds "hi" sexy, too, so I suppose she's easily pleased in that regard. They all walk out and sit down at the big, long table, finally noticing that on another table, there are several covered plates of food. They know enough about reality television to surmise that covered plates of food are never good news. Moreover, they have all been supplied with buckets beside their chairs. No, no, producer types! When I sent you that note that said "PROVIDE BUCKET IN CASE OF ABRUPT VOMITING," I meant for me, not for them.
Jason is acting as our the master of ceremonies for this event, and he begins by going along with what is apparently an elaborate setup in which he says, "This is the dinner party..." and then a recording booms in "from Hell," in this growly-type voice while Jason moves his lips. Oh, yeah, that's the stuff. That's what the food competition needed. Lip synching. There are to be three rounds, each representing two days of food. For each round, each team will have to eat a plate of something, and if they finish it all, they will get food for the two days. They only have one minute to finish the entire plate of food. This particular announcement is followed by a genuinely hilarious violin flourish. ("BRRRRRRUMP!") If you throw up your food, you count as not having eaten it in the first place. Heh. In the first round, Lisa learns that she has to eat "the sexual organs of a giant sea urchin," which kind of bums Lisa out, because she was thinking it looked like sushi. For the other team, Marcellas has to eat escargot. He explains in the DR that as a "high-end boy," he's had snails before, so he figured he was all over this. However, as soon as he sees the snails, he comments that "that's a lot." And it is. When they start eating, Lisa is done in by the marine gonads almost immediately -- she just spits them out and gives up. Even talking about it in the diary room later, she appears to turn green, and she looks like she might throw up in memory of the experience. Marcellas, on the other hand, is all right with the snails, except that there are far, far too many of them for anyone to eat in that period of time. And unfortunately, when he tries to shove them down with too much enthusiasm, they start coming back up. His efforts to fight his gag reflex are strongly reminiscent of the chicken livers, except it's a total losing battle. After coming up (heh) short, he comments in the diary room that the snails weren't as evil as the chicken livers, and that he could have eaten them if he'd had more time.
In the round, Danielle is assigned a plate of pigs' feet in sauerkraut. Amy, meanwhile, is confronted with a plate of poi. Again, in both cases, there is simply a preposterous amount to try to eat in a minute. Amy gamely dives into the poi, but it's thick stuff, not really meant to be wolfed down, and try as she might, it just can't be done. Jason keeps telling Danielle to swallow without chewing, but the pigs' feet aren't going down. She gives up the ghost relatively early, while Amy fights it out to the end, but can't eat fast enough.
In the last round, both members of each team have to eat, and they have two minutes instead of one. Danielle and Marcellas get something called "jungle curry," while Lisa and Amy get the food that's sort of the Poster Child of Scary International Food...haggis! The haggis is introduced with a hilariously dramatic horror-movie-style swell of music, and even some twitchy, Blair-Witch-y camera work. Marcellas walks away from the table, not even wanting to be at the same table with haggis. He returns, though, to make an effort at the curry. He calls the haggis "Satan's favorite pâté." Oh, Marcellas, how I love you when you're bitchy. It's such a tragedy how you annoy me the rest of the time. "That is the stuff of nightmares!" he gasps, back out in the yard during dinner. Amy and Lisa give up on the haggis as entirely too disgusting to have in their mouths for two entire minutes, while Marcellas and Danielle have to throw in the towel on the curry because it's so hot that they have flames leaping from their tongues. Jason is extremely unhappy that, because no one has won any food for the week, he won't have any food for the week either.
Can I just point out that since I moved into my new place, which was almost three weeks ago now, I have eaten quite a lot of peanut butter and jelly during the transition? It's not poison, you know. ["Seriously. My sister and I agreed that we would have looked at any of the plates presented to us and forfeited, since PB&J was the very agreeable alternative." -- Wing Chun] I understand that an entire week of it would be rather tiresome, but honestly, don't you think the Survivor people would give their right arms to have peanut butter and jelly available to them every single day? Those people eat rice. For weeks. And you know what's more boring than peanut butter and jelly? Rice. I don't mind so much that Jason expresses his frustration in the DR, but what I really don't like is that just after dinner is over, he goes over and makes a big show of sampling a little of everything anybody had to eat, just so they know that they let him down, because he could have eaten any of it. This is Jason's first real tool moment, as far as I'm concerned, because seriously, that is just not a fair comparison. He took little bites of everything, but almost everyone took a few bites of what they were supposed to eat. Certainly, with Amy's poi, Marcellas's snails, and the curry, the issue was really quantity -- how much of the damn stuff they had to eat. In fact, I think that either the intent was to make exactly this happen -- put everybody on PB&J all week to up the tension -- or somebody really screwed up this competition, because there was just too much of the food for them to have much of a chance of eating it. The competing houseguests went after some of that stuff quite gamely, and they just never had a chance.
Marcellas says in the DR that they all felt terrible about letting Jason down. Sad music plays. Because they forced Jason to be strapped to a table and pounded with hammers. Oh, no. He has to eat peanut butter and jelly. I forgot.
Dramatic music accompanies the start of nomination day, as the houseguests comment in the DR that the day feels a little dark. Marcellas also comments, "All of us are at our wits' end with Amy, and have slated Amy to go." Oh, look! Foreshadowing (tm Sars) is making shadow puppets on the wall of the DR! Then Danielle, Lisa, and Jason discuss whether Marcellas or Amy should be evicted this week. Hmm, so much for Marcellas's theory of untouchability. Anyway, Danielle says that she's ready to be rid of Marcellas, because she hasn't forgotten that he spilled his guts to Roddy about her plans. She continues telling Marcellas, however, that she's got his back. (DRINK!)
Nomination preparations, yakkety yak. Jason feels like an "executioner," he looks somberly at the memory wall, and he contemplates all the women he has passed up the opportunity to sleep with, just in the last few months. Okay, I am guessing about the last part. He laments the grave, grave responsibilities of being HoH. He loves everyone, hates to have to nominate anyone, blah dee blah. This part is always so incredibly boring. Seriously, they should just cut to the ceremony already, because no one every says anything of interest during the stupid pre-nom voice-overs with the porno music in the background. Seriously, listen to that music. Can't you just hear the people moaning?
At the ceremony, the (un)lucky nominees are Amy and Marcellas. That makes -- what -- five nominations for Amy? Jason tells them that he has no particular reason for nominating them, because he adores them both, and thinks they're wonderful. He particularly butters up the self-proclaimed fabulous ass of Marcellas. At the end of the speech, he also points out that Lisa and Danielle are hardly swimming in security, given the availability of that Golden Veto.
When the ceremony is over, Amy talks good-naturedly with Danielle and Lisa about her apparently permanent nominee status. Elsewhere, Jason sits down with Marcellas and tries to be friendly, and at first, Marcellas tries to reciprocate. Before long, though, Marcellas can't help launching into a little set of unhappy remarks about the fact that although he understands, he does feel like he's done more for Jason than Danielle has. I always forget that these people don't all know about the Jason-Danielle Alliance of Extra-Secret Secrecy, so of course Marcellas doesn't realize that there was never any chance that Jason would put up Danielle. Pounding Jaws-esque music plays as Jason tries to dance around Marcellas's feelings of betrayal. In the bathroom, Marcellas bitches to Danielle about his nomination: "I've played this game about loyalty, kindness, and conscience." Hmm. I think Gerry might have a little something to say about the "loyalty" and "kindness" part. In fact, considering the hot-tub alliance, Roddy might have a little something to say about at least the "loyalty" part. And Tonya might have a few words about "kindness." Amy, of course, could blow the whole ridiculous theory out of the water with one drunken unloading of the pain he's caused her, but she probably won't. At any rate, Marcellas claims to have "thrown himself in the path of a train" for Jason. Excuse me, when was that? Oh yeah -- NEVER. Marcellas tells her that it's time for them to cut Jason loose -- it should be he and Danielle for sure. Danielle manages not to cringe visibly, which is more than I can say for myself. What Marcellas is doing here, of course, has the opposite effect from what he intends. What it does is seal his own fate, because Danielle can tell that Marcellas has decided that Jason is now a Bad Person, and Marcellas has been, if nothing else, merciless with anyone he deems to be not as good as he is. Well, let me rephrase. He doesn't think anyone is as good as he is, but when he decides you've violated his standards of behavior in some way, he will stop at nothing to dole out punishment. So Danielle knows that if she leaves Marcellas in for even one more week, she and Jason are going to be in big trouble.
Now, in the Aquarium Room, Marcellas and Danielle talk about the veto. He tells her that he doesn't even want anyone else to use it to veto him, because he knows he will beat Amy. One of the lizards is in the aquarium, waving its arms and holding up a sign that says, "USE THE VETO, MARCELLAS!," but he doesn't see it. Danielle tells him flat-out that she'll vote for him to stay. And he believes her. Marcellas walks through the house, talking to himself. "I'm the one out here that showing, like, moral fortitude, and brains, and smarts. Endurance. He thinks he can just put me up?" Uh, yep. Marcellas says in the DR that Jason "shouldn't have fucked with" him. Take that, Charles Bronson! Marcellas is the new avenger on the block, and he's bringing his socks and flip-flops with him.
Because Marcellas is angling to pose for an entire year of pictures in my "Self-Important Twit Of The Month" calendar, he now has a conversation with the also-nominated Amy in which he apparently demands her sympathy for the fact that he's been nominated. Not that she isn't, as mentioned, also nominated. How can he expect her to sit through a gigantic "why me?" outburst at this point? Of course, he does. He talks about what a betrayal it is, and how horrible it is, and how it's inconceivable that someone would pick him to make as an enemy. Amy says things like "yeah" and "exactly," because she hasn't quite polished her routine enough to say something like, "You know, honey, ah do feel for yuh, but don't fer-git ah'm nominated too, and it's fer the fifth taahme, so ah can't really feel too sorry fer you." That's what she should have said. I would have loved it so much if she had. I think I would have sent her flowers. Anyway, he blabbers on about how he's "profoundly disappointed," "angry," and "hurt." Amy finally looks like she might be running out of patience. "Why me?" he moans. Yeah, it's...real hard to figure out.
Danielle and Jason talk about the fact that Marcellas is clearly more upset than they expected about his nomination, and that if he stays around, he won't be in a friendly mood. They're not sure what to do about it, but in the end, they decide that Marcellas has to go, and that to that end, he has to be kept from winning the veto.
Speaking of the veto, it's time to compete for it. Everyone gets into Mission: Impossible-type gear. Well, okay, it's leggings and snug tops, but the point is the same. They don't want any weird clothes hanging off you. First to compete is Amy, who walks out into the yard and yells. "Waaa-aagh-aaargh!" she says. What they have created here is a sort of a maze idea, where you get through the maze by stepping on tiles with evicted houseguests' faces on them, in the order in which they were evicted. But it's dark, and there are laser beams all over the place that you have to avoid. So it really is a little bit Mission: Impossible, actually. There is a lot of crawling under lasers and stepping over lasers and that sort of thing. If you bump into a laser, you get a penalty of fifteen seconds. If you step on the wrong panel, you get a one-minute penalty. I should also point out that because she is first, Amy is the one to read these rules, and she does a particularly colorful job with them, speaking the words in her best dignified-newscaster voice. Good job, Amy! She could be the Julie Chen, if she could get the twelve-year-old's figure and buy a few more ruffled shirts. I also happen to think that Amy, slithering from tile to tile, executes the maze with the most panache. up is Lisa, who explains to us that she didn't want the veto, because she wanted Marcellas or Amy to have a shot. Whoa! What? What's up with that? Wouldn't she risk putting herself on the block? Anyway, she goes through the maze without paying any attention to the lasers, so she's got the short time with a million penalties. up? Danielle. She complains about her booty getting in the way of the lasers. Scandalous! Just kidding. She manages to step on the wrong face -- putting Josh before Eric -- and she gets a fair number of laser penalties as well. Basically, Danielle does a terrible job. Jason goes . He loses his balance at one point, touching the wrong tile as well as hitting a bunch of the lasers. Oops. Yeah, Jason isn't bringing it home either. The last competitor is Marcellas. His main concern, of course, is that he might look fat in the pants. Actually, he looks kinda gangly in the pants, to be perfectly honest. He does an excellent job with the maze, though. Well done, Marcellas! When they all congregate outside the read the results, Amy thinks she has the whole thing wrapped up, but at the end, it is snatched away by Marcellas. So Marcellas holds the Golden PoV. Oh, well. I guess Marcellas won't be evicted this week, huh? Yeah, you can write a sentence here for yourself that starts, "Because after all, what kind of a goofball would...?"
Danielle says in the DR that she's going to work to convince Marcellas not to veto himself. And honestly, how ridiculous is it that she would think she could do such a thing? How could she believe that she would ever convince someone not to do something that is so very obviously what they should do? I mean, the guy's not a complete moron, right? RIGHT?
The second part of the show opens with Julie Chen recapping the events of the first hour. You know, it's bad enough when she rehashes the events of the week just after they've been shown on Rehash-O-Vision, but when they happened earlier tonight? I'm a little bit hurt by this. I think they may believe that I have a short attention span. At any rate, Julie wonders aloud whether there is any chance that Marcellas will be stupid enough not to veto himself. All right, she doesn't say it quite like that, but that's very close. She reminds us that the veto meeting will be live, so Jason will have to nominate a new person immediately if Marcellas chooses to use the veto, and the vote will follow shortly thereafter.
When we come back from commercials, Julie is actually rehashing the rehashing that Danielle and Jason did earlier of the HoH competition that Jason was forced to take, despite all his best efforts to throw it. Julie is doing another ruffled thing this week, by the way -- it's not so pirate-like this time, though. These are sort of smaller-scale ruffles. I just don't understand why they can't show her in flat fabric. Are they that desperate to add heft to her form? And what's with the donut necklace? Mmm, powdered sugar. Julie promises that the veto meeting is coming up soon, though, so there will at least be a distraction.
Marcellas says in the DR that the power to save himself is in his hands. Jason says that if Marcellas takes himself off the block, he's likely to come after Jason . Out in the big round chairs by the pool, Marcellas and Danielle talk, and she asks him, if he pulls himself off the block and Jason puts up Lisa, does Marcellas want Amy to go? He doesn't answer, so she asks him again. Twangy music of contemplation begins, as he says in the DR, "I could either show people what friendship is and take Amy out, or I could show people about self-love and I could use it to take myself out." Let's see, is Marcellas more likely to choose friendship or self-love. Let's ruminate on that one for a while, shall we? Hmm. Marcellas. Self-love. Friendship. When I recover from that laughing fit, I actually can take a moment to find it quite hilarious that anyone would think that they needed to educate other people about the meaning of "self-love." That's a great one. time I do something self-interested, I'm going with that. "I was just trying to teach you about self-love." That's the kind of thing that got Joycelyn Elders fired, you know.
As Marcellas strolls by the pool, Jason voices over that if Marcellas takes Amy off the block and puts up someone else (like Lisa), Jason will cast a tiebreaking vote, if necessary, to evict Marcellas. At this point, Marcellas is actually erased from the pool shot with a little sucking sound effect. Hmm, I think someone has been playing with some $29.95 video editing software from Best Buy again.
Back out in the yard, where he has been miraculously reanimated, Marcellas throws his ducks into the pool while talking to himself. "I'll tell you why the world's a better place," he says. "Because I selflessly sacrificed myself several times for Jason, and he betrayed me, and now I have the power to free myself." When he talks later about how much he loves everyone, keep that in mind. Lisa says in the DR that she wants Marcellas to stay another week, because she believes he will go after Danielle and Jason before coming after her. Interesting. No dummy, that Lisa. Except for her pronoun issues, which continue when she talks about the possibility of Marcellas "coming after myself." In the kitchen, Marcellas suggests to her that they get together and make it the two of them in the final two plus one of Jason/Danielle, rather than the two of Jason/Danielle and one of them (Marcellas or Lisa). She looks intrigued. What she fails to realize here, it seems to me, is that she cannot save Marcellas unless either Jason or Danielle is willing to vote to keep him. In other words, I understand why she would want to align with Marcellas if we didn't already know who the current HoH is and who the nominees are, but knowing that information, her plan really can't work. It can't. If she believes that Jason and Danielle are gunning for Marcellas, then if he doesn't take himself off the block, it's over. And if Marcellas does take himself off the block, she should realize that she will go up. If she does, there is no guarantee that Jason and Danielle will boot Amy instead of her. She's sort of halfway to a good idea here, but that last half is a doozy.
As Danielle washes the windows, she says that she's working on Marcellas not to use the veto. She and Jason talk outside about how tough it's going to be, and then she and Marcellas talk in the Aquarium Room. Danielle tries to convince Marcellas not to worry about Jason, because Jason might well think he'd have a better chance up against Marcellas than against Danielle, so he might come after her . Yeah, maybe. [Eye roll.] She says in the DR that she assured Marcellas repeatedly that if it were her, Jason, and Marcellas, she'd pick Marcellas every time. Marcellas, in turn, says in the DR that Jason has revealed to him, Amy, and Lisa that his main allegiance is to Danielle, and has thus "overplayed his hand." Whatever, pinhead. Way to catch on to the little fish and lose track of the big fish. Outside in the round chairs, he tells Danielle that he's inclined not to use the veto, and she tells him that he can do whatever he wants, because Amy is going either way. In the DR, however, she says that if Marcellas doesn't veto himself, he's on the way out. Scandalous! Sorry.
Back to Julie, and time for her to lead them into the veto meeting. "No playing nice-nice today," she says. Excuse me, "nice-nice"? Isn't that a cutesy term for baby poo? If it isn't, it should be. Anyway, she explains the Golden Veto AGAIN. I notice that Marcellas is wearing a white shirt with a scattery blue print on it. It looks like hospital pajamas. "This is the hardest moment ever!" he explains. Even harder than Gerry peering into the shower? Even harder than Josh getting germs in his clippers? Even harder than looking at Lori's pink fuzzy tank top? Oh, Marcellas, say it isn't so! Julie asks Jason whether he's ready to nominate someone else if Marcellas uses the veto, and he says that as much as it pains him, he is ready to take on the grave task of renominating. up, Julie asks Amy how it feels to be up for the fifth time. Amy smiles and chuckles like the good sport she's generally been about being nominated. Julie asks her about the fact that Marcellas could choose to take her off the block if he so chose, and asks whether she has anything she wants to say to him. Amy looks at Marcellas and says, "Do whatever you want to. You know I don't care." I think it's so ironic that for all her internal personal problems, Amy has probably a better idea of what being someone's "friend" actually means, in terms of forgiving people their foibles, and not putting pressure on them, and recognizing that you can -- should -- must value them even when they drive you out of your gourd, than Marcellas is ever going to have. He kisses her hand, sure that she's going to be evicted.
And here we go. Marcellas talks about how happy he has been to be "on this journey" with all these people. Then he stands up. He takes the medallion off, and bends at the waist dramatically. "I've played this game looking out for other people [NOT!], and I tried to look out for all of you [NOT!] as best I could. Gerry used the veto on me and it was the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me within this game [he fails to add, 'which is why I treated him like fungus for the rest of the time he was here']." He looks at the medallion and talks about how his entire family at home is undoubtedly screaming at the television for him to use it. But he puts it back in the box. "I'm not gonna use it," he says. There is a gasp, which I think is from Danielle.
Now, of course, the intriguing question is...why? Marcellas has insisted since his eviction that he didn't use the veto out of selflessness, and I think that if you have watched this show for any length of time, you know that Marcellas doesn't know anything about selflessness. He is the most self-important person in the house, and he probably has a more stunted capacity for empathy than anyone there. It certainly wasn't selfless. So...what the hell was it? My own theory is that he did this for two reasons. First, he had become so obsessed with this nobility crap that although he never actually does anything for selfless reasons, he recognized this is an opportunity to prove how selfless he is, which would ultimately make everyone appreciate how great he is, which is ultimately self-serving, which is why it's not selfless. See? The second reason is that he really was very convinced that Amy would be evicted, and he thought that it would be particularly satisfying to be a guy who was such a badass that he willingly faced down his own nomination and won. So in short, he thought it would make him look cool in two ways, and that's why he did it.
Anyway, he goes through a blubbering speech about why he didn't use it, and then he sits down. Julie asks him if he's positive, he says he is, and she says it's all over. Julie manages not to laugh hysterically, which is why she's the host of a live show, and I'm not.
Amy, Lisa, and Jason talk in the DR about upcoming strategy. The consensus is that the HoH will be very important. Snore.
Now, it's time to visit with Lisa's friends, one of whom is a complete Lisa doppelganger. Seriously, that girl on the right? I assumed she was Lisa's sister, because I didn't really listen to the intro the first time. Unsurprisingly, Lisa's friends think she's very, very nice. (In fairness, she does seem to be quite a nice person.) They point out how Lisa went and took pity on Amy after Marcellas flattened her. They also express lots of whoopee-yay excitement about the hunky firefighter. "He brought her out," one of them says. They both hope it works out for her. They also acknowledge, however, that keeping Eric out of the house was very smart. Jaunty music of pluckiness plays as they talk about what a good job Lisa is doing. Because she's jaunty and plucky.
Back to the living room. Julie asks Marcellas if he had originally planned to use the veto on himself, and he says that he actually was so sure he would use it on himself that he didn't pack. Oh, good. Tempt fate. Wave a red cape in front of the bull of destiny, why don't you? "I didn't pack," indeed. He claims that he didn't use the veto because of how much he loves everyone, and if you look carefully, you can actually see his nose getting longer and longer. He and Amy provide final thoughts. Amy has nothing to say anymore, given that she's been up so much, so she gamely tells everyone how much she's enjoyed herself. Marcellas proclaims his love again, and says, "Vote your conscience." He also says, "No hard feelings." Yeah, you can count out the shelf life of that declaration in minutes and not even need both hands.
And now, it's time for an eviction. Yay, eviction! Yay, getting rid of someone! Yay, thinning the herd! Julie explains that Danielle and Lisa will each go into the diary room and vote, and then Jason will only vote if there's a tie. Danielle goes into the DR and sits down. Julie asks for her vote. In a quivering, ass-covering voice, Danielle votes to evict Marcellas. She then goes out into the living room and sends Lisa in. In the DR, it becomes clear for the first time that Lisa's shirt is doing nothing for her at all. The chest is not thanking her for the shirt. It makes everything look very small and very low and very...depressed, if I can use that word in an unconventional manner. She votes to evict Amy. Hmm.
Once Lisa has rejoined the group, Julie springs it on them that it's a tie. A tie! Jason looks ill. He looks at Marcellas and Amy and tells them that he cares about both of them, and it's a game (DRINK!), and he doesn't enjoy doing this...and then he uncorks my absolute favorite line, which is to look sadly at Marcellas and say, "You shoulda used the veto...I vote to evict you, Marcellas." Ha! Way to rub it in, baby! I enjoyed that. And for all his "I love you" and all his "no hard feelings" and all his "vote your conscience," it turns out that Marcellas meant they were supposed to vote their consciences to keep him, dammit, not to keep Amy! He gets up, infuriated, and storms into the bedroom, because...hee...he didn't pack everything. The cruel part of me finds this absolutely hysterically funny. Amy is breathing hard in the living room. Marcellas gives very cursory hugs to everyone, and then he heads for the front door. He picks up his bag, gives another kiss to all, and he's out! Out! Yaaaay! And it's not even my birthday. He's crying as he makes his way over to Julie, puts his bag down, and falls into Julie's arms. No, really. And then as Julie tries to guide him into the Chenterview area, he goes back to his bag. To get Boo. No, I'm not kidding. He goes back to bring the gnome to the Chenterview. It's like a teddy bear, only...not. Ah, a boy and his gnome. This show certainly never runs out of new and exciting ways to be really, really disturbing.
Inside the house, everyone hugs Amy. Danielle and Lisa hug, and you can see them both going, "What the...?" inside their heads. Then Danielle starts crying. Because this isn't what she thought evil would be like at all.
And in the best Chenterview moment of all time, Julie opens by saying, in her best newscaster voice, "First of all, Marcellas, I need to do this to you." And she smacks him on the back of the head with the interview card. No, she does! And it's funny! I think Julie hired herself a writer. And unlike Paula Abdul's writer, she got one who was recycled from the Catskills forty years ago. Marcellas goes on to say preposterously that he's not shocked, when it's obvious that he's completely gobsmacked. ["Sure, but he's also a drama queen. It's possible he exaggerated his shock in order for Jason's 'shoulda used the veto' line didn't upstage him for the millionth time." -- Wing Chun] This entire interview collapses into a recitation by Marcellas of his own selflessness ("I didn't play this game to win"), his high morals ("for me to change...wouldn't have been true to me!"), and his general high quality as a human being. Why did he play the game, Julie asks him, if not to win? Well, he says it was "an unbelievable opportunity...to learn something more about myself." She asks him what he learned about himself. "I am fantastic," he says. "I am fantastic!" The creepy part about the way he says this is that it's so obvious that he's so completely serious about it. He is stunned by how much better than everyone else he turned out to be. He is astounded by how great he is. He shakes his head a little, because he cannot believe it. He's laughing, but only in surprise. Go away, Marcellas. Far, far away. Julie shows him his farewell videos, and then she asks who he's rooting for. He tells her he's rooting for Lisa. Rather than Amy? That is just cold. Go home, you self-righteous prick. (Yes, I skipped saying very much about the videos. I can't stand listening to them tell him he's wonderful.)
Time for the HoH competition. The only people up for it are Lisa, Danielle, and Amy. It's another one with questions about the time they've been in the house. Boring, as usual. The winner? Danielle. Who picked the right moment to start winning. She is obnoxious in victory, as you might expect, with an insufferable amount of fist-pumping. I realize this is a bubbling over of her enthusiasm, but it's still annoying.
Numbers are dwindling. Tumbleweeds are blowing across the back yard. Now it has that weird feeling of emptiness and impending conclusion, like when almost everyone had bugged out at the end of M*A*S*H. It's like the end of Little House on the Prairie where they blew up the town. Unfortunately, it's not like the end of Seinfeld, where everyone went to jail.