Big Brother 2 opens with a shot of the new and improved Big Brother house. Its much, much nicer than last seasons house, which was so ugly it made my eyes bleed tears of vomit. Im very aesthetically sensitive, people. The place looks extremely Real World, all recessed lighting and earth-toned pillows. Julie Chen says some stuff about the houseguests having no privacy, anywhere, ever, as very dramatic violin music swells in the background. Julie Chen reads her lines like shes reporting on the war in Bosnia, rather than the wacky hijinks of a bunch of strangers, picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. Oops, wrong show.
So, Julie strides out of the house, wearing what looks like a shiny purple jumpsuit. Sadly, its a top and pants. Still ugly, but not nearly as funny as the jumpsuit would have been; I had this entire John Travolta joke worked out. Damn it. Anyway, Julie Chen explains that the houseguests are going to compete for food, luxuries, and power, and, once a week, theyre going to evict one of their own. Eventually, she says, there will be only one Survivor. So to speak. She reminds us that the winner gets a cool half mil.
Who are the twelve people willing to give up their lives, their loved ones and their privacy? Julie wonders, before telling us that the Big Brother crew showed up at each houseguests home mere days ago, to give them the news that theyre about to get a new address! She smiles prissily, and we cut to a montage of houseguests, each finding a large key attached to a tag reading, Congratulations Houseguest! Welcome to Big Brother 2! I love how everyone acts all surprised when they see the key, as though the arrival of the camera crew didnt tip them off.
Krista finds her key on a table in the restaurant where she works. Oh mah God, she breathes.
Autumn finds hers on her bed. Oh meeee God, she whines, wrinkling up her nose.
Monica finds hers in the fridge. She goes crazy. Oh, God, noooooooo! she screams, and grips her skull.
Sheryl flashes the key to her family. Her son jumps up and down like a little girl. Her daughter looks totally mortified.
Justins girlfriend kisses him. Actually, considering what we find out about Justin, its probably not his girlfriend. He might not even know her name.
Much squealing and jumping up and down from Bunky, Hardy, and Mike, respectively. Mike buys the patrons in his bar a round of martini shots. Hes wearing a visor sideways. Whats up with that?
Wills fellow physicians manfully shake his hand and punch him on the shoulder. Will is hot.
The other house hottie, Hardy, finishes up his kick-boxing round and tells us that life is an adventure. Hes sweating all over the camera.
Krista smiles and claims that shes the number-one drama queen. Shes cute. She looks just like my college roommate.
Will walks around in his white lab coat some more, before sitting down in what looks like a hospital trauma room and explaining that he walks a fine line between confidence and cockiness. I wonder what he does for a living.
More reaction shots from the new housemates. People scream. Kent sits by a swimming pool and smarms that he knows eleven other people who are going to be in trouble.
Shannon and her volleyball pose in her front yard. She introduces herself as the athlete. Then she puts on a one-shouldered tank top and goes inside her house and makes dinner and tells the camera that the whole world is going to know every time the houseguests (insert coy pause) cook dinner. Yeah, but only if they can be bothered to watch, Shannon.
Kent is still sitting by his pool. If you want me to, Id be happy to get on your nerves, he says. No comment. Well, not yet.
Monica tells us she owns a candy store. I am Brooklyn, she says. Um, okay. According to the CBS web site, she also likes to date football. I think Monica has a tenuous hold on the English language at best.
The houseguests are told they have, like, ten minutes to pack and then they have to hit the road. Cue ten fascinating minutes of people packing before we cut back to houseguest introductions.
Im Autumn, and Im only good when Im bad, Autumn coos, and then gets in her bikini and stands in her swimming pool and strikes a series of sex-pot poses. Someone needs constant attention, I fear.
Bunky stands in his backyard, in front of a rainbow-colored pinwheel, and tells the camera that hes triple C: creative, complex and crazy.
“ Blah blah summer-long-power-struggle blah blah half a million dollars. Julie tells the houseguests that theyre about to enter a world with no phones, no television, no Internet access, and no music. Kill me now. Seriously. ”Speaking of dirty, Will stands naked in his closet. He holds out an orange ruffled tuxedo top, and grins. Im the worlds leading authority on bad seventies clothes, he says. Im in love with him.
Bunkys husband and friends watch him pack.
Krista loads a suitcase full of cigarettes, which totally explains her man voice.
I plan by episode five, therell be a girl washing my clothes, Will smirks. What happened to our love, Will? Youre dead to me now.
More packing.
Mike leans back in a booth at this bar and admits that he likes chilling with the lay-dies. I crack up at this despite myself. Mikes a bit old for this routine, but at least hes kind of amusing.
Nicole holds her cat by her professional stove (I mean, shes standing to her professional stove; she isnt, like, holding the kitty over a lit burner, or something) and purrs that were either going to love her or hate her.
Justin stands on his balcony. He tells us hes Justin Credible, and Justin Case you didnt know, now you do. Justin is Joey Tribbiani.
Ten more minutes of packing, then a hundred years of houseguests calling their friends and relatives to tell them that theyre going on CBSs other reality show. Hugs are exchanged. People jump in their cars and drive away.
Its ChenTime. She says something about the houseguests having nothing in common except courage or some shit before explaining the houses sleeping arrangements. Basically, there are, like, three good beds (including a waterbed), a couple of halfway decent beds, and several cots. Theres also, for one incredibly unlucky houseguest, a sleeping bag on the floor. One of the bedrooms, Julie Chen says, is the size of a large closet. The other two bedrooms are separated only by a Plexiglas wall. I dont get why the Plexiglas wall is a big deal. Its not like the houseguests have all this privacy, anyway. How much of a difference does one glass wall make? Whatever. Julie then tells the camera, with the seriousness of Walter Cronkite announcing the assassination of JFK, that there is one private bedroom in the house, complete with a locked door. She smirks that shell explain that later.
They let the houseguests into the front yard, which is, of course, not actually a yard at all, but part of the CBS soundstage. Julie Chen tells them that they cant talk to each other until theyre actually inside the house. Everyone looks pretty stoked. Julie chatters about some more stuff, but nobody listens to her because theyre all checking each other out. Blah blah summer-long-power-struggle blah blah half a million dollars. Julie tells the houseguests that theyre about to enter a world with no phones, no television, no Internet access, and no music. Kill me now. Seriously. Can they at least read a book, or something?