Let Baltar Be Baltar

S01E11

Cloud 9. The Prez strolls through the park, her arm linked through Gray's. He asks what he's supposed to say, and the Prez offers, "Health reasons." Gray snorts. He turns to face her, and talks about how, before the attack, she was so polite and dignified. The Prez lowers her head briefly before looking at him. Gray says, "I never thought you'd fit in with the bare-knuckle, back-stabbing politicians. I guess I was wrong." He stomps off.

Some armored soldiers wave the Prez into a room full of round mirrors. The Prez pokes her head in and calls for Baltar. A toilet flushes, and Baltar steps out, zipping up his fly. My favorite thing in this scene might just be the piped-in Muzak. Moore mentions that the show may win some kind of award for all the scenes they set in bathrooms. The Prez meets a startled Baltar by the sinks and explains that she heard his interview: "You were very articulate, quite engaging." Baltar does his own version of the ever-popular head-tilt and thanks her. He washes his hands as he says that he was just trying to do his part, and adds that he's starting to get a feel for politics. The Prez confirms that Baltar won't be voting for Zarek. Baltar huffs, "Any man who uses their [sic] intelligence and resources to blow up a building doesn't get my vote, no." Ha! He says that he'll vote for Gray, adding, "Although he is really gray. --Tuh. He's great!" Good save. The Prez tells Baltar that Gray has dropped out. Baltar very agreeably asks whom she wants him to vote for in that case. The Prez answers, "I was thinking you." The Prez explains that she would be lucky to have Baltar's "intellect and [his] popularity" by her side. Baltar not at all bashfully agrees to run. The Prez does know how to work him, I must say. She smiles in a nicely skeptical away and leaves as Baltar calls a thank-you after her. Once she and the guards are gone, the bathroom stall opens and a disheveled Playa stumbles out. Heh. I thought it would be Six, so that was an amusing surprise. And I love how rumpled she is. Playa boggles and asks Baltar what he's going to do. Baltar smarms, "I'm gonna give you an exclusive." Playa makes an impressed face and goes back into the stall, followed by Baltar, who's already pulling his jacket off. Suddenly I like Playa, because the actress, Christina Schild, is really funny.

Galactica's crew's quarters. Starbuck, her hair wet, is sitting on the edge of the table, tying her boots, as Apollo strolls in wearing a towel. Starbuck frets that someone's going to try to kill the Prez, and Apollo figures that if he wins, Zarek will wait a while for people to forget about Valance. Starbuck is not reassured. A large portion of the viewing audience is distracted by the fact that Apollo is now pulling his pants on. I don't know; he's a good-looking guy, but he's just not my type. This scene did make me wonder if they cast a British actor so that he'd be pasty enough to look like he's been living on a spaceship for a while. Apollo reminds Starbuck that the Prez said she wouldn't lose the election. Starbuck harrumphs and takes her jacket out of her locker. There's blood or something splattered on the back of one shoulder, and Apollo asks if she's going to wash it. Starbuck wipes at the jacket with a towel and claims that she did. Then there's some stuff where she asks if he's complaining about her hygiene, and the point of all this is to give Starbuck an excuse to claim, "I clean up good sometimes." Apollo tells her to let him know when that happens. Moore says that this scene was added in because the episode was short, and that it was an attempt to bring the storylines together a little, and also to set up the "Starbuck in a dress" reveal. Told you!

Cut to the Colonial One, where the Prez is listening as McManus declares, "Every delegate she's chosen so far has been a Roslin crony! It's a puppet Quorum, okay?" He describes the Prez as a "power-mad schoolteacher." Now it's Sekou's turn to interrupt, and he points out that only half of the Quorum has been selected so far.

Back to Briefcase Guy, who's loading ammo into a hidden compartment in the briefcase. On the radio, McManus says that the Prez's advisor, Wallace Gray, is "the power behind the throne" and will hand-pick all the delegates.

Cloud 9. Playa and Sekou both defend Gray. Sekou says, "He's helped Roslin regulate the internal economy, make sure vital food and medical supplies were fairly distributed." McManus calls Gray "a fatuous gasbag," and adds that he and the delegates are all corrupt and evil and smell funny.

Back to the Colonial One. The Prez sighs, "Freedom of the press..." and switches off the radio. Wallace Gray arrives, cheerfully identifying himself as "the 'fatuous gasbag.'" The Prez greets him with a kiss on the cheek, and asks if he likes being a celebrity. Gray says, "I love it -- they'll probably be calling me a fascist ." Welcome to my world, dude. The Prez replies, "No, I'm the fascist. You stick with being the gasbag." It was mostly the delivery, but heh. Billy pops in and tells the Prez that she needs to hear something. He flips the radio on as McManus announces that the Sagittarons have chosen Zarek as their delegate. D'oh. And I'm confused already. Is the Prez appointing delegates, or are they elected? They must be elected, right? So was the stuff about her picking yes-men a conspiracy theory, basically? Or was she "suggesting" nominees to the different populations? I appreciate that they're throwing a lot of information at us as efficiently as they can, and it's pretty impressive when you look at how much we get in just the teaser. But maybe another pinch of exposition somewhere would have clarified a few things. So anyway, Zarek's a delegate. The Prez moans, "I should have seen this coming." Gray and the irritainers on the radio take turns explaining Zarek's history to any new viewers. Except for McManus, who snaps, "Wrong! He was a victim of the government, held on trumped-up charges." The intercom/phone buzzes, and as Billy answers, the Prez guesses that Adama's calling. Sure enough, it's Adama, who wants to know if she's heard the news about Zarek: "We can't allow a terrorist to sit in government." The Prez calmly says that she doesn't want to make Zarek into a martyr. She throws in, "Sagittaron law allows a prisoner to regain his citizenship once he has served his time." Adama probably knows that, but we can't make the reporters deliver all of the exposition. Adama says that he can refuse to give Zarek security clearance to visit Cloud 9. The Prez firmly says, "The last thing I need is for you to start acting like my own personal goon squad. We need to let this play out." She hangs up, and listens as McManus announces that Zarek's about to make a statement.

Astral Queen. Zarek's in the control room, broadcasting to the other ships. My completely random theory is that he's been doing a lot of these little fireside chats, which is why he's as popular as he seems to be now. I don't think I have any solid basis for that idea, but if he hasn't been doing that, someone should. They could do an episode about it and call it "Pump Up the Galactica." Or not. Zarek says that he's humbled by the honor, and promises, "I will be a voice for those who have gone too long unheard by a government that serves only the privileged and the powerful." Then he goes on about how the "winds of change" will blow everyone into a "new era" led by a "complete mentalist." Okay, he didn't say that last one.

As Zarek gets his revolution on, we cut back to Briefcase Guy, who's still playing around with his gun. He finally slips it into the briefcase, closes it up, and carries it away.

Credits. I like that the last shot of the blipvert episode montage is of Starbuck winking, because it looks so cute and friendly until you know what the context is.

Lab. Baltar fusses with his vials as Starbuck enters and tells him, "Our shuttle leaves for Cloud 9 at 05:12 tomorrow." Baltar is too confused to go for a double-entendre. Or maybe he's confused because he think Starbuck's making a double-entendre. Six peers out of a mirror and sneers, "A surprise getaway, just the two of you?" Starbuck toys with a vial as she explains that she'll be taking care of Baltar's security. Baltar nervously asks her to put the vial down, and then asks why he needs security. They're almost playing verbal tennis. Starbuck chuckles, "You haven't heard? It's all over talk wireless." Rhetorical question! She's not very good at this game. Baltar sniffs that the radio shows are just "low-brow rabble-rousing." Starbuck finally explains that Baltar is the Caprican delegate. As Baltar boggles, Starbuck adds, "Guess you got the super-genius vote. No accounting for taste." Exit Starbuck. Left to himself, Baltar grumbles, "Politics is the only thing more boring than blood samples." He whines about all the speeches and "dreary pomp" he'll be subjected to until Six cheers him up by mentioning the possibility of nubile political groupies. Baltar ponders that and tells Six, "When the people call, you must serve."

Back on the Cloud 9, Apollo and Starbuck are frolicking in the garden. Well, okay, Apollo's basking, and Starbuck's strolling about. For this show, that's damn frolicsome. Apollo remarks that the sun feels "almost like the real thing." The fake sunlight is a little worrying. It seems like that must take a lot of energy. But maybe it's just one of those sunlight lamps, only really, really big. I originally thought that it would be better if it were pseudo-night all the time in this garden, because if the dome were clear, they could have a gorgeous starry sky above them, and you'd still get the feeling of being outside. Plus, the idea is that this is a spaceship that people took long, expensive vacations on. It seems a little odd that people would pay a fortune to travel on a spaceship so that they could visit a cunning simulation of their local park. But then I remembered how bad the day-for-night shots look, and decided I was at peace with the fake sun after all. Where were we? Starbuck complains, "They could have done a better job with the horizon." Heh. She stares off, and beyond some trees there are hazy hills, against which the framework supporting the dome is visible. Ever whiny, Starbuck goes on about how hard it'll be to maintain security on the ship with the giant garden and all the visitors. Apollo strolls a few steps away while Starbuck sighs about that, and she takes the opportunity to pick up a hose that's lying on the ground. Apollo mentions the shaky political situation, which Starbuck hasn't been paying attention to. She asks why the Prez is allowing so many people to come. Apollo says, "I guess she thinks it's important for them to be able to observe how their government works." Starbuck snerks that "she's already running for reelection." Apollo turns, and Starbuck pulls out the hose and aims at him. Apollo raises his hands to surrender, and gets drenched, and then tries to wrestle the hose away from Starbuck while they both squeal and run around and horseplay ensues and suddenly I miss Young Americans even more than usual.

Briefcase Guy walks up to a security checkpoint and puts his briefcase through the x-ray. We finally see his face for a second, for whatever that's worth. He passes through without a problem.

We pan down to a plaza, where crowds are converging as the Colonial Gang returns. Playa describes the atmosphere as "electric," which I'm going to assume is a little joke by the writers, because these people don't look electrified. Oh, unless they're all Cylons, which would make it a different kind of joke. Playa expositions that there's a reception for the new Quorum taking place outside the ship's ballroom. Playa adds, "The question on everyone's mind is, will President Roslin actually shake the hand of the man many still regard as a terrorist, or will she snub him and by extension, all people of Sagittaron?" Briefcase Guy strolls past as Playa goes on about that.

Cut to the reception line. Tigh and his wife are among the greeters, and they shake hands and introduce themselves to some random folk. Tigh mutters, "Kill me now," to Ellen during a pause between handshakes. Aw, Tigh. Briefcase Guy walks up to yet another mysterious man: a chunky dude with a goatee. Hey, facial hair! I kept vaguely wishing for some goatees, but I figured they were being conservative intentionally since nothing dates a sci-fi show faster than the hairstyles. Although that makes the Prez's feathered hair seem even more peculiar. But I guess if you have Mary McDonnell, you let her do whatever she wants with her hair. Briefcase Guy shakes Goatee Guy's hand. I hope that in addition to the gun, there are some name tags in that briefcase, because I could really use some help here.

Cut to Apollo, who's gone all Secret Service with an earphone. He talks into his jacket cuff and tells Starbuck that Zarek has arrived. Zarek hurries down the stairs as Starbuck and Apollo trade, "I've got him," "No, I've got him" banter. Zarek passes another goateed man (this one's blond) on the stairs, who calls, "Murderer!" Zarek ignores it as the guy continues shouting: "You don't belong here, Zarek!" Then he's grabbed by the original Goatee Guy, who snarls, "He's not a murderer, he's a freedom fighter, all right?" Apollo pulls Goatee Guy around and asks for his security pass. Goatee Guy pulls out his pass and sniffs that he's a Sagittaron citizen and he's got a right to be there. Apollo retorts, "Your rights don't extend to roughing people up." He threatens to throw Goatee Guy in the brig if he gets out of line, and snottily tells him to enjoy his stay. Then they do some Ben Stiller-style riffs as Goatee Guy says, "Oh, I will," and Apollo says, "Good, because I want you to," and Goatee Guy says, "I appreciate your heartfelt wishes for my well-being." And then they beat each other up. Except we cut away before most of that happens.

Zarek arrives at the reception line, and introduces himself to Tigh. Tigh greets him formally, but doesn't take Zarek's hand, and we hear cameras clicking. Zarek looks at Ellen, who introduces herself and makes a little show of taking Zarek's hand. More camera-flashes. Ellen chats for a moment about "all this pretension," before Tigh curtly says, "You're holding up the line. " Zarek thanks Ellen "for making [him] feel welcome," and moves on. As soon as Zarek's gone, Tigh asks his wife why she was so friendly. Instead of saying, "Because I suspect he has a penis, and that's all it takes," she answers, "To get our picture on the front page of every half-baked newsletter and photo service in the fleet." Tigh sniffs that he doesn't need to be photographed with a terrorist, but Ellen claims, "Roslin's the past and Zarek's the future. A blind man can see that."

Zarek reaches the end of the reception line, where the Prez is standing. They acknowledge each other, and Zarek grins as he asks, "If I were to offer you my hand in friendship, would you take it?" The Prez says there's only one way to find out. We see Playa among the reporters, watching tensely. Maybe a little too tensely. It's kind of silly, honestly. Zarek extends his hand, and the Prez quickly takes it and then leans in to kiss Zarek on each cheek. Zarek admits, "That was nicely played." The Prez thanks him, and Zarek insists that he's not her enemy before moving on.

Cut to the Quorum meeting, which is taking place in a big auditorium. The Prez is concluding her opening remarks, and talking about all the great things they're going to accomplish, and it's all clearly very important. You can tell by how dull it is. We see the various delegates looking delegated. Baltar has slumped over and is resting his head on his folded arms like a bored kid. Hee. Six taps him on the head with a pencil and says, "You're missing an intriguing opportunity. Playa's not wearing any underwear." Baltar scoffs. And then he puts his glasses on and peers across the room as Six adds that Playa's been watching him all afternoon. Playa's wearing a short skirt and has her knees primly together. She notices Baltar staring at her, and shifts as she crosses her legs. Baltar tells Six, "She's only human," which is funny in two ways. Six looks pretty amused, too, and Baltar suddenly asks if Six is jealous. Six says, "Love isn't about sex, Gaius." Baltar somewhat skeptically commends her enlightened attitude. Six assures him, "As far as I'm concerned, you can have any woman you want. But always remember, I have your heart." Baltar unconvincingly agrees. Six has a nice touch of hysteria in her voice as she adds, "I can always rip it out of your chest if I need to." You know, I really like her. Baltar coughs, and then Six is gone and Baltar's rubbing his chest while I daydream about a line of Six-themed Valentine's Day cards.

The Prez has finally concluded her opening remarks, and asks if there are any objections before they move to accept the proposed agenda. Zarek raises his hand and announces that he has an objection. "Murmur murmur," everyone says. Zarek says that he thinks the agenda covers a lot of important issues, but that "the most critical issue of all is nowhere to be found." The Prez smiles and asks what that might be. Zarek says that they need to elect a Vice-President, because if anything happened to the Prez, "the civilian branch of our government would be paralyzed, leaving the door wide open for a military dictatorship." While Zarek goes on, Briefcase Guy walks through the audience. Zarek moves that they start nominating candidates for the Vice-Presidential office. Six mutters, "Second," to Baltar. I'm not sure he was actually paying attention, and she eventually has to hold Baltar's arm up for him before he catches on. Baltar leans over to his microphone and says, "Caprica seconds, for various reasons which are far too obvious and numerous to go into right now." The Prez turns to listen with a wonderfully annoyed expression, and when she puts her hand on her hip for a second, I think she's probably wishing there were a gun holstered there. Baltar's vague speechifying coasts to a halt, and the Prez calls for all in favor to say "aye." There are plenty of ayes, so the Prez asks for nominations. The delegate from Virgon stands up and says, "There is only one man here who is willing to work for the betterment of the people in this fleet." Wow, that's kind of an indictment of everyone else. Including the guy who's talking. He continues, "He sent a crew to fix the air filtration system on my ship and, hell, they were finished and they were gone while I was still waiting for the President's office to return my call." His nominee is, of course, Zarek. "Murmur! Murmur!" murmurs the audience. The nomination is seconded by the delegate from Geminon. The Prez accepts Zarek as a nominee and says that other nominations can be made for seventy-two hours. With that, the session is adjourned. Zarek and the Prez trade glances while the music gets all loud and tense and tries to make us forget that this is still all about who'll be Vice-President. I'm just saying.

Commercials. In the podcast, Moore mentions that they introduced the Cloud 9's garden because they wanted to have a different setting occasionally, but didn't want the crew to visit a series of alien worlds that all look like Canada. Heh. He also admits that there might be too many reporters, so I feel validated.

Colonial One. The Prez gripes about the idea of Vice-President Zarek. Gray says that he isn't too shocked that the Virgon delegate nominated Zarek, but the support from the Geminon delegate surprised him. The Prez snaps, "The Geminon ships use more water per capita than any other ships in the fleet. She wanted more rations; I said no." Gray calmly assures the Prez that there are still lots of people who hate Zarek. Apollo warns them against underestimating Zarek: "He's charismatic and knows which buttons to push." He starts going over his security concerns. The Prez tells Apollo that he should be "leaning forward" and carrying handkerchiefs. So she's worried about his posture and thinks he might catch cold. Or maybe it's one of them metaphors and she just wants him to keep a close watch on Zarek. After a moment, the Prez moves on to the problem, which is that she needs a candidate of her own. She stares at Gray. Billy nods and says, "An established name." The Prez goes on staring at Gray. Gray finally catches on, and complains that he's not a politician and he doesn't want to be. The Prez tells him, "You have kept this fleet functioning all this time." He has? I mean, um, good for him. Maybe we should have heard of him before, though. Gray continues to protest, but the Prez basically says that if he won't run, Zarek's going to win: "I need you." Gray sighs, "You've got me, Madame President." And then they kiss! No.

In the garden on Cloud 9, Zarek's shmoozing the reporters. Playa asks Zarek, "How can you reassure people that you're looking out for their interests, as opposed to the rehabilitation of Tom Zarek?" Zarek proves himself an able politician when he completely fails to answer her question and just goes on about whatever he wants to talk about: "We're facing a situation so unique, so specific, that I believe we need not only new leadership but a whole new way of thinking." Sekou snarks, " Like blowing up a building or two." Zarek whatevers Sekou and points out that there's no economy, no industry, no nothin'. And no media except for news coverage, which might be the most horrifying part. He doesn't say that, but he does say, "We're all held hostage by the idea of the way things used to be." He points to a gardener nearby and points out that the guy is still working every day without getting any compensation for his labor. Well, maybe he likes it.

We briefly cut to the Colonial One, where the Prez sits slumped over in the dark as she listens to Zarek pontificate.

Zarek gets all shouty as he declares that the Prez is holding on to the past: "If we want to survive, we need to completely restructure our lives. We need to think about the community of citizens." He goes on about operating as a collective. So he's a communist? Or a Borg?

Apollo sits in a bar elsewhere on board, listening to Zarek over the radio. He grumbles, "You're not interested in the citizens; you just want power." He tells the bartender to turn the radio off and prepares to slurp down some mouthwash-colored booze. The bartender snaps off the radio, but it turns out that Goatee Guy is also at the bar. Goatee Guy complains that he was listening to the broadcast. Apollo smirks, "That's a shame." Goatee Guy turns to another guy behind him and says, "They all wanna hear Mr. Zarek speak too, don't you, buddy?" His buddy nods vigorously, because he doesn't have any lines. Goatee Guy turns for more support to Briefcase Guy. Oh my goodness, Apollo's wandered into the secret meeting-place of guys without names. Briefcase Guy says that he doesn't really care if the radio's on or not, and Goatee Guy says, "I take that as a yes." Er. Okay. Goatee Guy tells the bartender to turn the radio back on, and Apollo countermands that, and then Goatee belays the countermanding. Basically. They argue a little more, and then Goatee pulls the drink out of Apollo's hand and urges him to "go enjoy the imitation weather." Apollo's all, "No, why don't you." We see Starbuck (Gal) watching the confrontation from a table a little ways off.

Goatee Guy backs off and it seems like he's giving up. But then he grabs his beer bottle and smacks it into Apollo's head. The bottle makes a very nasty sound when it hits Apollo, but doesn't break, and Apollo goes down. Starbuck grabs her cane and starts to rush over, but is held back by Silent Guy. Apollo twists Goatee Guy's arm back as they continue fighting. Briefcase Guy quickly gathers up his papers and stuffs them into his briefcase. Starbuck smacks Silent Guy with her cane, and gets punched. Apollo tries strangling Goatee Guy, but Goatee Guy pins his arms to his sides. Silent Guy knocks Starbuck down, and she loops her cane around his leg and pulls. Apollo punches Goatee Guy. Starbuck pokes the handle of her cane into Silent Guy's stomach, oof, and flips him over. Apollo and Goatee Guy trade some more punches. Briefcase Guy looks frightened as Apollo and Goatee crash into his table, knocking his briefcase onto the floor. The gun falls out. Starbuck starts to pick herself up as Goatee Guy and Apollo continue to tussle on the floor. Briefcase Guy tries to collect his stuff without anyone's noticing, but Starbuck calls, "There's a gun!" Briefcase Guy starts to run away. Apollo grunts, "Starbuck!" as he's pressed against the floor by Goatee Guy. Apollo is reaching out for the bottle, which is just out of reach. Starbuck hobbles past, chasing Briefcase Guy. As she passes she chirps, "Incoming," and kicks the bottle into Apollo's hand. Apollo clonks Goatee Guy in the head and rolls him over. Starbuck uses her cane again to trip Briefcase Guy, who topples. She and Briefcase fumble with other, trying to get to the gun. Apollo kneels astride Goatee Guy and shouts, "Are you looking for this?" Then he hits him with the bottle again. Heh. But it would have been funnier if he'd hit Goatee with the radio. This time the bottle smashes. Starbuck finally scrambles over to the gun and turns over to aim it at Briefcase Guy, who freezes. That was fun. But I still miss Mike Massa's fights. Yeah, I know, we've already got fun flippy spaceships so maybe fun flippy people would be too...flippy.

It's raining on Caprica, but what else is new? Oh, and it's Day 47. Through binoculars we see... is that Oz? Well, some buildings, anyway. It turns out that Helo and Boomer are looking at the city of Delphi. I wish Starbuck were here to talk about the unconvincing horizon. Helo says, "All we have to do is wait until dark, infiltrate the most heavily fortified military hub on this planet, hope the Cylons haven't completely wasted the spaceport, steal a ship, locate Galactica, and fly to her without getting shot to hell." Excellent. Boomer asks if Helo's hungry. He's not, but he does comment on Boomer's restored appetite. Helo muses about the pair of Sixes they've seen with the Cylons. He says, "I can't fathom why anybody would wanna help the toasters. And they just happened to be twins? That's too weird." Ha! Helo wonders if the Cylons are cloning humans, and speculates along those lines. I love that Helo's always trying to figure things out, and never quite getting there. It's smart writing. And also funny. Boomer makes interested noises as Helo theorizes, "They had these replicated humans infiltrating the colonies laying the groundwork for a surprise attack." Boomer goes with it, and suggests that if that's the case, the clones are "capable of complex emotions. Maybe even love." She says that the clones might have been taught to believe in the Cylon goals, so they're just misguided. Helo interrupts, "Whatever they are, they're not human. No human could do the things that they've done -- killed billions of innocent people." Oh, Helo. So naive. He says that whether they're clones or robots, they're all Cylons. Boomer tries to mope.

Starbuck and Apollo have hauled Briefcase Guy into a dark little room for questioning. See, this is what the room they interrogated Leoben in should have looked like! Starbuck wonders why Briefcase Guy had a copy of the itinerary with all of the Prez's appearances circled. Briefcase says that it isn't his. Apollo slams Briefcase Guy's, er, briefcase on the table and describes its features: "A false bottom, with anechoic coating to absorb x-rays?" He waves the gun around and shouts, "Ceramic stealth gun!" Briefcase Guy stammers that he had the gun because he carries a lot of money around. Apollo reminds us that money is worthless now, and screams, "Your friend Zarek pointed that out!" He hurls the briefcase across the room. Which seems like as good a time as any to admit that Briefcase Guy's name is Valance. Valance insists that he doesn't know Zarek. Starbuck tears some of the money in half as she says that Goatee Guy already told them everything. Valance hesitates, but then declares that Starbuck's bluffing. Apollo waggles the gun around and says, "This isn't a trial. This is just you and us in this room." Valance watches Apollo load the gun as Starbuck adds, "We're living in a whole new world. There's no due process. This is your courtroom." Apollo holds the loaded gun and concludes, "And that would make us your executioners." It's amazing they can do all these different jobs and still find time to belabor the obvious. Starbuck says that if he doesn't cooperate, they'll toss him out an airlock. "'Cause that's what we do to traitors." She winks, and see, it's not as cute as it looked in the credits. Valance shakily looks at them both, but finally insists, "I just came over here for the booze and the food, that's it." Apollo grabs Valance and shakes him as he shouts, "Frack you!" Hee.

Colonial One. Apollo tells the Prez that they haven't been able to prove that Valance was working for Zarek. He urges her to send the Sagittaron delegation back to their ships as a safety measure. The Prez says, "Can't do that. It violates their civil rights -- plays right into Zarek's hands." Apollo argues that their could be another assassin on Cloud 9 who'll kill the Prez if Zarek becomes Vice-President. The Prez insists, "Zarek's not going to win, because I'm not going to let him." She tells Apollo to tap Zarek's phone and bug his room: "If you find anything that remotely connects Zarek to Valance, shut him down." Heh. You'll notice that the Prez isn't so much concerned with civil rights as she is with maintaining the appearance of civil rights. This isn't a world overpopulated with idealists, I'll say that for it.

Back in the auditorium, Gray is talking about domestic policies. Billy whispers to the Prez, "Latest vote count is seven for Gray, five for Zarek." The Prez frets that Zarek only had four votes an hour earlier. Billy says that Picon's delegate changed his vote. Or her vote. Whatever. As Gray explains that people with college degrees can apply to become teachers, Apollo strolls around to pay Zarek a visit. Apollo leans over and whispers, "Hi, how're you doing? Remember me? We got Valance and you're ." Exit Apollo. He's not so great with subtlety, is he? I was waiting for Zarek to pull out a microphone and scream that the Prez is using the military to intimidate people.

Instead, we go to the bar again. Ellen is looking around vapidly when Zarek offers to make her a drink. He's standing behind the bar, and Ellen jokingly asks if he works there. Zarek goes into his spiel about how he can't ask the bartender to do something for him when he can't repay the bartender with anything of value. Ellen gossips that Gray is winning the election at the moment. Zarek claims that he's happy with whatever the people decide. Ellen says that everyone has an agenda, and apparently hers is to provide some more exposition for new viewers. She explains that she just wants to make sure she and her husband have a secure place in the future. Zarek thinks that over before he nods and says, "I'm looking for a friend of mine. His name is Valance."

Valance sits, slumped over, in the storeroom or whatever it is. Apollo and Starbuck stare at him. Starbuck wonders how this happened, and Apollo says they have to go see the Prez. The camera moves down slowly to show that Valance's hands are dropping with blood. His own, just to be clear.

Commercials. Moore said this was conceived as their West Wing episode, and admits that the assassination plot doesn't really work as well as they wanted. And yeah, the stories are closely related, but for some reason they feel very separate. Instead of making things more urgent, they seem to cancel each other out a little bit. It's not a bad episode but it didn't quite jell, for some reason.

Cloud 9. McManus is interviewing Baltar in a freaky huge atrium with crazy stairs. McManus asks, " Is President Roslin's political career terminal, or is there hope of resuscitating it?" Baltar says that the Prez is still in the game, and that it would be a mistake to underestimate her. Six laughs and says that Baltar has missed the limelight. Baltar chuckles, "Yes, I have." McManus and the other reporters are slightly confused, but Baltar asks McManus to continue. Heh. I will say that I don't think it's odd that nobody's noticed Baltar's...eccentricities. Well, no one besides Starbuck. I mean, if someone says something that I don't understand, or that seems to have no context, I don't immediately assume that he's talking to his invisible friend. Although now I'm going to start doing that, because my life could use a little more surrealism. Anyway, McManus says, "So you seriously believe that this schoolteacher is able to handle the job of Presidency?"

Cut to the Colonial One. Hey, there's the Whiteboard of Extinction! Current population: 47,898. Baltar's interview continues on the radio as Starbuck tells the Prez that Valance's wrists were slashed with some broken glass in the room. Billy asks if it was suicide. The Prez quietly says that Zarek had Valance killed. Apollo adds that they can't prove that Zarek was involved. Tigh asks how the killer got past the guards. "Through the vent." Let's recall that some of Zarek's men know how to work on air filtration systems. There's a pause, during which we hear Baltar talking about the impact teachers have. We cut back to the Cloud 9 as Baltar tells a growing crowd, "History is full of examples of leaders, um, who have come from the most humble beginnings and have risen to meet the challenge posed by cataclysmic events." Billy asks who knew where Valance was. Starbuck says, "Just the people in this room, plus two marines." Baltar continues to praise the Prez, and dismisses Zarek as someone who "never shouldered any real responsibility in [his] life." He brings up Zarek's extensive prison experience and accuses the pundits of having a short memory. The Prez looks a little cheerier, but Tigh and Apollo are still feeling pretty grumpy. Apollo tells the Prez that Zarek's going to try to kill her. The Prez hms, "Only if he wins the vote." Back to Baltar, who says that they'll survive with the help of their values: "Courage, truth, justice, liberty. With the firm and deep resolve to make tomorrow better." When he starts talking about "our children" the crowd that has formed around him starts to applaud. Apollo frets that the vote is going against the Prez's nominee. She agrees, and then smiles, "But I'm going to win this thing." She switches the radio off and says that Zarek's going back to his prison ship: "But first, I have two very unpleasant duties to perform." She tells Billy that she needs a shuttle to Cloud 9.

Auditorium. Apollo and Starbuck stand behind the Prez, peering around suspiciously, as she reads the votes from each delegate. McManus helpfully explains to his listeners that the votes shifted when Baltar replaced Gray as a candidate. Playa chimes in that it's anyone's guess as to who will win the election, but notes that she's betting on "Gaius. Uh, Doctor Baltar." More votes are read. Playa tells us that Zarek has six votes to Baltar's five. If it ends up in a tie, the Prez gets to cast the deciding vote. Oooh, suspense! The Prez pulls out the last octagonal piece of paper.

Cut to the ballroom. The Prez stands in front of a cheering crowd and asks everyone to welcome the new Vice-President. And then it turns into the old Tonight Show for a second as a big band starts to play and Baltar runs out from behind a colorful curtain. Hee. So, for the first airing, I was taping the show but wasn't paying a whole lot of attention because of other stuff going on. And I happened to be looking at the TV just as this scene started, which was excellent because hearing Baltar get introduced as Veep without knowing how or why it had happened made it even funnier. Baltar starts mingling with the many pretty girls in the crowd. Six pulls him aside and says, "We're going to do great things together." Baltar calmly tells her that he never aspired to power. Six says that she knows that, "but someone had to step up." Heh. Baltar says, "Well, after what Laura told me --" Six interrupts, "'Laura'?" Baltar says they're on a first-name basis now. Baltar puts his arms around the groupies and excuses himself, telling the air, "The people need me."

Starbuck's over by the bar. In a very nice dress. Her hair's a little poofy, which makes her look older. Apollo walks over and stammers, "that bum knee of yours is looking pretty good." Starbuck rolls her eyes and grins, and I might start liking her a little bit again. Apollo is losing points as fast as Starbuck gains them, as he babbles, "And the other one's not too bad either." Ew. Starbuck tells him that if he wants to dance, he should just ask her: "Me in a dress is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity." They head for the dance floor. I like the fact that they're playing big band music and not, like, futuristic rap, and that nobody is dancing with glowing hula hoops. Not to pick on Buck Rogers.

Zarek approaches the Prez, who sniffs, "Don't worry, I won't be kissing you today." Zarek says, "I shaved very closely in anticipation of being smacked by you." He compliments her on winning, but reminds her that there'll be a presidential election in six months. The Prez starts to walk away, but Zarek calls her back to say, "I didn't kill Valance. I wonder who did." He smirks away.

Boomer dances with Gaeta. Sekou dances with Playa. Billy dances with Dualla. Tigh twirls Ellen, aw. Starbuck and Apollo are talking to Cally. Adama suddenly turns up and greets the Prez. She says, "I thought you hated these things." Adama says that it's Colonial Day, and he's a patriot. The Prez marvels, "You really are, aren't you?" Well, yeah. We go to a reverse shot which reveals that Starbuck is now dancing with Baltar. Just a little uncomfortably. Apollo is strolling away from them, looking beaten. Heh. Adama says that Baltar is an "interesting choice." The Prez explains, "I figured, the devil you know." Adama says that politics is as exciting and dangerous as war. The Prez extends the metaphor and I get a little bit bored, but eventually Adama leads the Prez out to dance.

On another part of the dance floor, Ellen tells Tigh that she has a surprise for him. She got them a luxury suite on the Rising Star for a day. Tigh asks how she managed that, but Ellen just says that she has her ways: "While you're there, you might wanna talk to a few people about your future." Tigh's all, "Wha?" and Ellen laughs and hugs him. Then she looks over to Zarek, who nods at her. Dun dun dunnn.

Caprica. Helo and Boomer are hiding just out of sight to a landing strip. Or something. Boomer tries to take the opportunity for some final thoughts, but Helo says, "You don't have to say anything, I know." Boomer's like, "I really don't think you do, but okay." Helo insists that they'll make it. Kisses ensue, and a small ship lands and vrooms away, which is neat. As soon as it passes, Helo and Boomer jump out onto the strip.

And then Helo's edging out onto a ledge above a building facing a courtyard. I don't understand the geography, either; just go with it. The important part is that there's a courtyard and Helo's perched up above it. He looks down as a Six in a dark suit steps outside. Followed by a Six in a lab jacket. They talk quietly, and thank goodness I don't have to try to recap that. Up on the ledge, Helo waves Boomer out onto the ledge and points down at the boxcars. Then Helo waves Boomer back. Well, make up your mind, dude. The lab-coated Six walks away through the courtyard, and Helo keeps his gun aimed on her until she's out of sight. The suited Six goes back inside. And then another Boomer approaches the courtyard. Helo sees her. The new Boomer sees him as she turns to enter the courtyard. She starts to pull out a gun, and then she gets shot a few times and collapses. Helo looks around and sees Boomer lowering her gun. Helo takes a second to process the situation and then starts running. We get a little montage of his adventures on Caprica, highlighting his rescue, the lack of other humans, and Boomer's powers of endurance. Helo goes on running. Boomer chases, calling his name, but then she stops. Helo keeps going. Boomer looks upset, but upset like her dog ran away.

time: explosions! And Moore sounds pretty gleeful in the podcast when he says that things will get "very bad."

Production card: Eick challenges Moore to rock-paper-scissors. Moore steps off-camera. Eick pulls out giant scissors just as Moore returns and crushes him with a boulder.