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When Emma overhears Bradley's million interchangeable bitches making fun of her relationship with Norman, she decides to set them straight about the sexy facts, which ruptures Norman's tenuous peace with Bradley and freaks him out so bad he nearly goes Mother on poor doomed Miss Watson. The school's suggestion of therapy puts Norma on her most narcissistic hotseat yet, to the point where she's asked to leave future sessions and will no doubt end with her Forrest Gumping the therapist soon.
When she's not taking the opportunity to prove how crazy her ass and Norman both are -- while trying desperately to do the opposite -- Norma's also alienating the shit out of Sheriff Romero, who's bemused to find her on his doorstep asking for City Council favors like minutes after getting his deputy killed and putting the town's ten kinds of bad news on shout. I don't think I've ever sided against Norma in a single scene to date, loony as she is, but Romero's "We are not fucking friends" speech is the closest I've come.
And then of course there's our favorite sex-murderer guy, the Man in #9, who menaces her about some towels and questions her about her relationship with Zach Shelby, to the point that she ends up following him all over town, and eventually getting ambushed down at the docks. When he tries to find out more about what happened to their whole brilliant sex-slave operation she ruined -- eventually intimating that he was at the top of that particular pyramid, and not a mere client at all -- she Normas out on his ass, making all kinds of demands... And by episode's end, she's come home to Shelby's gross dead body in her bed.
Which is made all the sadder by Dylan's B-story, which involves a road trip with sexy Remo to beautiful Fortuna, CA, to pick up a bunch of dirty damned hippies to help with this year's marijuana crop. One adorable barfight later, they've gotten into a dick-measuring contest over who hates the hippies more, which ends in a bunch of roadside drama and weird vibes. When Dylan turns up with his boatload of drug buddies looking for a place to stay for a few weeks, Norma is beyond thrilled, and even offers to take Dylan on their first mother/son date... Which is when she finds the body.
Beyond being utterly and publicly humiliated, suspended from school for what Miss Watson only thinks is erratic and violent behavior, and getting over the loss of his sweet little doggie, Norman doesn't have a lot to do. He picks up some tricks of the taxidermy trade from Emma's dad, Professor Quirrell, which eventually Norma fails to derail after getting some sad backstory on their family.
And, of course, the MVP this week falls once again to Emma's sense of disclosure, as she explains -- to a sweetly rational, measured Norman -- that yes she did tell everybody he slept with Bradley, and yes it was partly because she is in love with him, but more importantly they were being bitches and she couldn't stand it. They end on a BFF note, which won't last long but sure did prove Emma's integrity and wisdom yet again.
Week: Norma finally figures out that White Pine Bay is pretty much hell on earth, but nobody cares because they have been trying to tell her that for eight episodes. Dylan presumably falls deeper and deeper in love and total hate with sexy Remo. But the main thing is how #9 steps up his aggression and threatens to kill the boys, and Norma herself, if he can't get his (torture-porn comic book?) back. So I guess Emma's back on Death Watch? Aw, shoot.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Norman had a dog named Juno for a hot minute, and then she died just from knowing him. A total creepster showed up at the motel, tripping all of Dylan's red flags and zero of Norma's, even after he all but specifically told her he was a sex murderer and would be using the motel for a week of sex murders every other month. Norman creeped out Bradley by Nice Guying her almost to death, even after she all but specifically told her their sex was going to be meaningless. It was one of Norman's worst days!
DEKODY
Will Dekody: "Little boy, this is how you taxidermy a dog."
Norman: "I don't know what normal is!"
Will, verbatim: "The art of it is to recreate the beauty of motion in something still. To create life if you will. Here is where we'll make incisions... Then you have to take everything out."
Norman: "That's fine. I figured. Viscera, et cetera."
Will: "I'm sorry your dog died, on the one hand, but on the other hand isn't this so fun?"
Norman: "I thought it would be dishonorable to just bury her in the ground. She gets so lonely."
Will: "It's okay to project your feelings onto an animal, especially a dead one. Especially if you're not even talking about the dog, but your future taxidermied mom."
Norman: "I must say, I'm very impressed by your aplomb."
Will: "Would you like a job here? Your sociopathic lack of affect right now and your adorably affable nature in general make you well-suited to the morbid professions."
Norman: "If there is any way to make you my dad without having to marry your daughter, count me in!"
LADIES
Emma's having a private CF meltdown in the bathroom when Bradley's interchangeable bitches show up and immediately start fawning over how great Bradley is, just like you assume they would; particularly today they are amazed by how gracefully she condescends to Norman Bates.
Girl: "I feel so bad for him!"
Girl: "I know! Because he's so pathetic."
Girl: "We're not sympathetic so much as monsters."
Girl: "I think Norman Bates might have actual mental issues."
Girl: "I know! It's funny. But also sad. But mostly funny. Teenagers are the devil."
Girl: "It's because we're not finished growing up yet!"
Girl: "Like how Norman thinks he's gonna tap that. Not even Bradley is dead enough on the inside to swipe that hot mess's v-card."
Girl: "Give her a few years! I'm one blunt away from doing it myself."
Emma: "Greetings, bitches. By the way, Norman already fucked her. It made me cry one lonely Indian Chief tear."
Girl: "I don't think you understood the conversation you were eavesdropping on, tbh."
Emma: "Or maybe you don't know what the fuck you're talking about."
Girl: "Or maybe we will gang up on you and stab you in the ill-working lung."
Emma: "Or maybe I'mma drop the mic and walk out of here like a boss."
It's pretty great. I mean, don't ever tell people things, but Emma's one constant virtue (among many) is disclosure, and this opens up a pretty rich vein throughout the whole episode where she just keeps saying true stuff and then getting out of it by saying more true stuff until you're like, This chick's honesty is the ultimate armor. Too bad the princess she keeps saving has been raised to lie about everything, at all times.
...Which is what makes me worry, actually. This town is Norma's oyster, in that everything she does is irritating: We always talk about it like the immune system of White Pine Bay, just erupting with horrors at the mere mention of her name. But Emma's lacking Norma's selfishness -- her errant warped sense of self-preservation -- and so all that comes through is this single-minded pursuit of the truth. They're both marked for death, but Emma's drives cut even closer to the bone if you think about it. She doesn't give a shit about what happens to her because she already knows what happens to her, so all that's left is the truth: The one thing the WPB hates more than a woman with property.
BATES MOTEL
Staring holes in the internet is not causing that highway project to be canceled, and lighting black candles while chanting the names of the planning committee can only get you so far, so Norma decides to just double-down and fuck things up for herself as efficiently as possible.
Lady: "Distractingly beautiful admin lady at the WPBPD, what is your emergency?"
Norma: "My emergency is, I need to talk to my best friend Sheriff Romero!"
Lady: "He is not taking this call. Ever. Can you spell your name for me?"
Norma: "Uh, it's BATES. B as in bitch..."
Who's that down in the parking lot? Why, it's No. 9, creeping around in an all-black outfit in the middle of the day like some kind of angel of death. Does that worry her? No way, that's just what creeps do. Man, Dylan could not have been wronger about this guy. Maybe he can help with this civil engineering conundrum, Norma! Or tie you up and murder you! One or the other.
POT FIELDS
Dylan gets a call from Gil: The Red Creek field has been reaped and needs trimming, and they need to drive down to Fortuna CA and pick up some low-life trimmers.
Dylan: "What exactly are trimmers?"
Gil: "Whatever, just ask Remo. Anything you are wondering about, ask Remo. That is what he is there for. To seethe and to answer questions. And be hot."
Remo: "Or I just won't tell you what trimmers are. Pack a bag, we're going on an overnight vacation together. It is going to get weird."
Dylan: "But what exactly are trimmers, though?"
Remo: "The only thing I've got over you right now is knowing what that word means. I am not giving that up for shit. Get your panties and let's go."
SCHOOL
Bradley: "What in the actual fuck were you thinking?"
Norman: "Back up and restart, okay?"
Bradley: "You told Tank Girl we fucked and she told the entire bathroom. Good thing it was only my minions, but you've seriously damaged my stranglehold on teen politics. Not to mention pissing off the clearly abusive Richard Slymore, when he gets wind of this."
Norman: "This is the first I'm hearing of it. But wait, aren't we dating?"
Bradley: "We already weren't dating when you got possessed outside my house, and now we are super not dating. Just forget it ever happened."
Norman: "But I cannot."
OUTSIDE
Miss Watson: "Norman, where are you going? Please don't tie me up and torture me to death for asking, but what is up? It's the middle of the day."
Norman: "I am having PROBLEMS!"
Miss Watson: "Of course you are, you're a trainwreck. But you still need a note."
Norman: (Flails.)
Miss Watson: "My boundaries!"
Norman: "I'm sorry I flailed. I am still not entirely in charge of my gangly body."
Miss Watson: "I worry that you will be suspended!"
Norman: "Not a priority. Blood's a rover. Good day, Miss Watson!"
He goes stomping off, arms and legs still not entirely under control, and as usual it's only minorly scary and mostly just adorable.
No. 9
Norma: "Housekeeping! And general checking up on your awful ass!"
Jake: "I was literally just sitting in a chair in the dark because I am terrifying. Please, go right ahead. I am a very dirty boy! Ooh, I can watch you clean and touch myself through my slacks, that'll be a riot."
Norma: "I can come back later! And in a less housemaid-y outfit!"
Jake: "I insist."
Well, you know Norma and the amazing way her body does everything, so she cleans around his scary self, and is just generally both flippant and paranoid at the same time. At one point she absentmindedly twangs the fake-wood trim peeling off a bedside table and it is literally one of the funniest things you've ever seen. She makes everything so great.
Jake: "Hey, I heard about a death!"
Norma: "Yeah, my son's dog died just from knowing him. It was a real fucking hassle."
Jake: "No, I meant that cop guy that I used to have murder orgies with. Did you know him?"
Norma: "Who knows anybody, really?"
Jake: "But I mean, you knew him. Correct?"
Norma: "I knew parts of him. Some better than others. You might say we knew opposite versions of him. Then I met your Shelby and then he was dead."
He menaces enough that she knocks a lamp over and immediately heads for the door to replace the bulb slash get the fuck out of there.
Jake: "Keep cleaning! You must keep going! I am so dirty!"
Norma: "...My son Norman. He's my go-to excuse for getting the hell out of places."
Jake: "He's at school. Or wandering around setting shit on fire with his mind."
Norma: "I know! That's why I have to go!"
There is some very terrifying business with the cart, where he jerks her to a stop and then his creepy velvet hands retrieve some towels from the cart, and then she's out, and then -- I honestly don't know how she got it to do this, or how many takes it took -- she shoves the cart off down the corridor, and it swings wide like carts do, and it's so awkward and so funny and she just Normas her way through it like she can't hear the blumpty-blumpty music of the America's Funniest Home Videos contender she and the cart are currently producing.
Jake: "Okay, well, if I need anything else -- like to sex murder you -- I'll just come to the office, okay?"
Norma: "Sounds great!"
ROMERO
The distractingly beautiful lady finally lets Norma in to see the Sheriff, and his affect is so cold and unmoved -- and literally unmoving -- that you get this Muppet Babies feeling of maybe they are just using the same footage of him staring at her crazy ass the entire time she's melting down.
Norma's agenda is to get onto the City Planning Committee with his help, so she can shoot down this highway thing that's been hanging over her head but to which -- until Shelby died -- she couldn't turn her full attention. Now my guess is that she is doing this out of a friends-help-friends thing, like, she's not even trying to pressure Romero out of anything other than the goodness of his heart and the fact that they are suddenly best friends. Romero sees it differently, and honestly I think he might be right, but it just suits my aesthetic more that she would be this deluded.
Romero's agenda is quite different: He doesn't want to see this lady, or talk to this lady, or do this lady favors because first of all his ass his dirty -- if we didn't know that before, we'll know it by episode's end -- and second of all he didn't cover up Shelby's murder as a favor to her. Both of which things are of course stupid obvious, but both of which too you can see Norma Bates being confused about: Men are objects, to be rejected from the home unless they prove of use. Some of them have belts you need, or carpet fibers, and others are your kids when it suits you. And while this is a sad and broken perspective, it's one men have spent her entire life teaching her.
For as long as he spends staring at her, and she spends digging herself deeper and deeper, when it goes to shit it goes fast: "Are you trying to say that you have something on me? Is that it? Because if you did, that really wouldn't be good for you, okay? I mean I might have to burn you down to the ground, you know? Don't ever try to intimidate me. Don't walk into my office and ask me for political favors based on nothing. You and I have no connection. We're not on the same playing field. Don't ever assume that we are. You don't know what you're doing. Go home, Mrs. Bates."
She gets that lady-on-the-bus hurt feeling in her eyes -- that Actual Schizophrenic confusion that Farmiga somehow always nails -- because she honestly didn't see that coming, but it's still weird and sad even after seven episodes to see her grasp this eminently awful fact once again, that even the safe places aren't safe. Like when Dylan was like, "You know I'm still moving out and/or kidnapping your son, right?" when she thought he was onboard for her whole shitshow.
And you know her ass isn't even out of the building before Principal Hudgins calls to tell her about Norman flailing his way AWOL. It is, of course, very exhausting probably to be around Norma or to be in her orbit, but one thing we don't really consider very often other than in these recaps is how fucking exhausting it must be to actually be Norma. Home's infested with sex murderers and constantly disappointing children, this cop station has never done right by her, school is always up her ass, that one lady at the restaurant was a total cooze, Norman's this close to killing people and having seizures all the time... Good Lord. She needs a nap, but where could she even possibly go to take a nap?
REMO
Remo: "Did you find out what a trimmer is?"
Dylan: "Yes, on the internet. It is exactly what it sounds like."
Remo: "Then I am going to have to find some other way to salvage my carny dignity."
DEKODY
Emma: "Missed you at school today! I'm just looking up weird things on the internet with my gigantic beautiful eyeballs."
Norman: "Yeah, I went home early. I wasn't feeling well. Not like you, just unwell."
Emma: "Feeling better now?"
Norman: "Hey, just apropos of nothing, what in the actual fuck were you thinking?"
Emma: "Right. About that, see, I'm sorry. But they are bitches. I was sticking up for..."
Norman: "Yeah, but Bradley is upset. I can't really see past whatever woman I'm obsessing on, it's kind of my thing."
But then because he is Norman and basically perfect, he goes back to being awesome: "Don't ever tell anyone something I tell you in confidence again, okay?" I mean, that's direct and polite, and a rational request. How could you say no to that? Especially when all the things he tells her in confidence are super fucked-up things.
PARENT/TEACHER
Had Norman attended Lang Arts today with Miss Watson rather than swatting at her like a fly, he would have learned all about a very famous poem by Edgar Allan Poe, called "Alone," which has a couple of famous lines in it -- the last line in particular, you see that referenced a lot -- but is actually about how being super weird makes you lonely because you can't see the good stuff everybody else sees because you have the burden of seeing the not-so-great stuff they can't.
From childhood's hour I have not been/ As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring / My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken / My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone; / And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then -- in my childhood, in the dawn / Of a most stormy life -- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill / The mystery which binds me still...
[Nature nature nature, à la Byron, c.f. Patrick's Rune]
...From the thunder and the storm, / And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue) / Of a demon in my view.
It's a trade-off, but it's not a trade anybody actually makes: You're born with it. Or at least that's Norma's fear. Norman isn't there yet.
Principal: "I have no way of knowing how little interest you have in authority figures today, but listen. Your kid is a timebomb."
Norma: "He is perfectly lovely. Go fuck yourself. He came home, he was sick."
Miss Watson: "Sick in the head, maybe. He freaked me out so bad my hair went Rogue."
Norma: "Did you put your hands on my son? A student?"
Miss Watson: "No doubt I am creepy in some way, but don't put this on me."
Miss Watson: "We have psychologists right here at the school that could just go digging the fuck around in your son's brain whenever they..."
Norma: "NO WAY. Let me put him in therapy. Somebody I have chosen, somebody I can blackmail or have sex with, somebody who will let me run the session as though they have not been literally trained in their profession to avoid letting me do that."
Miss Watson: "Sure, why not? Tell me who, when you find one."
Norma, scooting out the door: "I will make sure to not do that at all."
WHO DO YOU LOVE?
Me, I love Remo. Actually, I love Dylan with my whole heart, but Remo's just so great. Cigarettes and motor oil. (His kid is also an actor on this show, somebody named Gunner, but I don't remember meeting him yet. Maybe he's the kid in the blue plaid shirt that was teleporting madly around the school and managed to walk past Bradley and Norman eleven separate times in their scene.)
Dylan: "I am a growing boy! I need sleep, not just more and more alcohol until things get weird."
Remo: "We are doing the latter! Two more shots for me and my 'boss.'"
Dylan: "I get that you resent me, but I don't know that getting super weird is going to fix it."
Remo: "And yet, I am way ahead of you and already being weird. And rude."
Dylan: "Maybe your career has been stymied by your very clear case of alcoholism."
Remo: "Maybe I should punch you and we can roll around on the floor, covered in peanut shells and broken glass and face blood shooting out of our faces!"
It's not a suggestion so much as a Coming Attractions, and once they roll to the middle and start quietly bleeding, you think maybe it's going to be okay. This is what men do. This is like what Norma thinks everything is like all the time, just gross sweaty guys rolling around in the dirt with semi-chubs, angry about who knows what.
Remo: "Better watch out for me, Golden Boy. I'll try to destroy you."
And it feels like a kiss!
Later on, they sort of slump as a single bloody entity up to their motel room, and Remo explains the actual deal, which is a very sympathetic and easy to understand story.
"Once I was the Dylan, or I thought I was. The Boss gave me a shot, like that time you ran over a teenage junkie child, and I failed to exhibit leadership potential. It has turned me -- over twenty-three years which is longer than you have been alive -- into the very sexy, very tiny mess you see before you."
Dylan: "Gil's been jerking you around that long?"
Remo: "No, the real boss. The one Jacob thinks is Romero."
Dylan: "So why not assert your rights as skilled labor? Or go get some other horrible job for horrible people like us?"
Remo: "Blood in blood out, Golden Boy. You don't quit, you retire. And our retirement plan is to be exploded or set on fire. It's not so much that I resent you out of ambition, it's that I am in a trap no less confining than when your mom was dating Shelby, and being your underling is just one more in the series of punishments that defines my life."
Dylan, you should be nicer to Remo. Blood's a rover. It is not that hard to make a Beta feel like an Alpha, and it is now your mission to do so. Not out of the kindness of your heart, either: He is turning you into a personal symbol faster than Norman did Bradley, and you see how shitty that gets for everybody.
BATES MOTEL
Norman: "Mother, I must apologize in advance for what I am about to tell you..."
Norma: "Skipping school? I covered for you, kind of. Tell me what happened, please."
Norman: "I cannot do that. But it won't happen again. I'll black out or kill somebody or scratch terrifying messages to myself in the wood of my school desk, but whatever happens I will spare you further indignity."
Norma: "See, it's not the indignity so much as the fact as they want you to see a therapist."
Norman: "How is that possibly a bad thing?"
Norma: "Trust me, we don't want this. You cannot be on record as a crazy, or else our lives will once again come tumbling down on us, just like in the garage that fateful day."
Norman: "Cool, I can totally do normal. Don't even worry about it, lady. Hey, will you give me a ride to my taxidermy internship? I can't wait to pull the guts out of dead animals and preserve them with glassy eyes that can see into a future of only blood."
Norma: "...Sure, let me get my coat."
DEKODY
Norman: "Professor Quirrell, this is my mother, her name is Mother."
Will: "You can call me Will."
Norma: "Nice to meet you! Can I talk to you for a second like I'm not freaking out?"
Norman heads back through a curtain, and you can see his little feet twirling around a desk chair, and it is the sweetest thing in the whole world.
Norma: "You know this is crazy fucked up, right?"
Will: "The Dark Arts have their naysayers..."
Norma: "I mean, they're on my jock about him being normal, and this is the opposite of that. This is the definition of being a fucking freak."
Will: "Um."
Norma: "I mean, you're great. You're aging into a great beauty, somehow. And I'm sure you aren't freaky, I mean, so what you're a taxidermist and your daughter's dying..."
Will: "Side note, I got back into taxidermy once her mom split, so that's actually kind of a thing. Our whole house is about death, which is funny because we are 100 percent cooler and less freaky than your whole deal."
Norma: "Well, okay, maybe your pride will work. You know, this is a hard business. Not everybody can be as good at it as you are. I always saw Norman as more of a ladies' shoe salesman, or if he goes really nuts, an OB/GYN."
Will: "Not many people write poetry, but we still have to have poets, right?"
Norma: "Do we, though?"
(Actually that was a cheap shot: In my personal experience, any gyno born after around 1965-70 is a delight. I mean, I'm not exactly reporting from ground zero on this one, but I have met a lot of doctors in my lifetime and I have been charmed enough by your younger dude ones -- and of course the lady ones -- that my first thought is still that they seem great. Maybe they have to be, so you won't run screaming. All I know is, I don't meet enough of them, due to not having a compelling reason to do so.)
Will: "In fact he is good at it. And he's good company. And we're not hurting anybody, the animals are already dead, there's not much else you can do to them. If this is his passion... What can go wrong with encouraging that?"
Future Ghost Norma: "Spoiler alert!"
FORTUNA
Whatever you're imagining about a group of young people whose seasonal employment involves trimming huge pot harvests, you are correct. One hottie's got cool orange pants and a high-and-tight -- looks like one of those candyflipper Euro guys you meet in hostels who are like a DJ as their whole entire thing and you're like, "But how?" -- but the rest of them it's just patchouli and dreads and one million offensive Burning Man details.
Remo: "Ugh, see that one with the guitar? Leave him. He sucks worse than is worth it."
Dylan: "I think we can leave those decisions up to Human Resources, Remo."
Remo: "You seriously have no idea how much this guy sucks, but whatever. Fuck it."
Dylan: "Dylan Texas, you are crushing this management thing. Well done, sir."
DEKODY
Norman: "You are so good at sticking pins in my dog's eyeholes to hold in the glass eyes!"
Will: "I gave it up for a while, Emma's mom didn't like it. Or me. Or our sick daughter. But after she ditched us, I got back into it real hardcore."
Norman: "Sorry about your, um, entire life."
Will: "I left it back in Manchester, where all hugely depressing lives belong! I got my daughter and we flew away. Just like when your mom bought that motel, am I right? No consequences!"
REVOLUTION NO. 9
Because she has not done nearly enough to endanger herself this week, Norma thinks the sensible thing to do would be to follow Jake to wherever his sketchy ass wants to go. Norma, are you trained in the subtle evasive arts? I didn't think so. I'm guessing a professional sex murderer knows when he's being tailed.
He leads her to the Seafairer and she watches from the shadows as he looks all over for any misplaced or unlabeled teen sex slaves, but it comes up snake-eyes. So he's in even more of a terrible mood than his usual hulking menace mood when he finally catches Norma in the act of catching him in the act.
Jake: "Norma, this is not a situation that requires concierge service. What is up?"
Norma: "What's up is, what is up? Why are you all up in my business?"
Jake: "You know exactly what is up, you know I'm a sex murderer and a slave trader and uh, you were fucking Zach Shelby, and you totally killed Keith Summers. I know everything!"
Norma: "I have no idea what any of those words mean."
Jake: "Listen, Keith Summers was an idiot. But he was also on the bottom rung. And I am on the top rung, okay? Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Norma: "Nope, I still don't understand words!"
Jake: "Norma, I am going to kill you. Just kill the shit out of you."
Norma: "Is that code for something? Do you have enough little soaps?"
Jake: "Okay, when you stop doing whatever this is -- which it's weirding me out, so good job there -- you come by my motel room, okay? You remember what number it is?"
THERAPY
Vancouver Bingo! The therapist was Cyrus Xander, Eric Stoltz's science business partner guy. I remember I really liked him and he was always right about everything, but then something happened. I don't remember what. Probably something to do with robots, I'm guessing.
Cyrus Xander: "Tell me a little bit about losing your father?"
Norman: "He died. We moved."
Norma: "It was devastating! But we moved, and we moved on, and we are reinventing ourselves! As a woman who has overcome a lot in her life!"
Cyrus: "Did you know that this is Norman's therapy?"
Norma: "What. What'd I say?"
Cyrus: "Your words, coming out of your mouth. In his session."
Norma: "Not sure what you're suggesting..."
Cyrus: "Norman specifically, how did it feel to move here?"
Norma: "Oh my God, it was so sad!"
Cyrus: "Norma..."
Norma: "For him! We're talking about him, right? Therapy is great, this is really helping. Him."
TRIMMERS
Guitar guy SUCKS. Dylan cannot take it, Remo cannot take it. Guitar guy feels them getting angrier and angrier and starts pulling this Norma Rae shit about how they need to be treated better and where is their Taco Bell and shit, and finally Dylan just tells Remo to pull over.
Dylan: "Get the fuck out of the van."
Guitar: "Why, so I can watch you piss?"
Dylan: "Ugh! Why are you like this?"
Guitar: "We are the 99 percent!"
Dylan: "I will shoot you in the motherfucking head. Okay?"
Guitar: "Fine. Taco Bell can wait."
Dylan: "No, Blood's a rover. I am going to shoot you execution style."
Eventually he does not actually shoot Guitar Guy execution style -- but he sure as hell leaves him on the side of the road with his guitar, after gracefully slamming the doors closed with his broken arm while he leaves the gun trained on him with the other one. Even Remo is like, That was a little bit amazing. I like it when people appreciate Dylan, even when it's because he's being naughty.
THERAPY
Cyrus: "Well, that was a fucking waste of time. See you week? Alone?"
Norma: "We'll see. I figure just coming here was us doing the universe a favor."
Cyrus: "Can I speak to you privately? Norman, there's a desk chair out there you can spin around in, if you want to be the cutest thing that ever happened some more."
Cyrus: "Lady, you are killing me. What is the deal?"
Norma: "Well I'm certainly not about to let you do your job. What kind of mother would I be if I let you help my fragile, damaged son find peace?"
Cyrus: "Have you ever been in therapy?"
Norma: "What the fuck do you think? Look at me."
Cyrus: "I think you should be in like a thousand hours of therapy a week."
Norma: "Why on Earth would you think that?"
Cyrus: "Look, to me it seems like this is about controlling your son and his entire world."
Norma: "It's partly that, but I also have actual reasons for ruining this experiment in mental health."
Cyrus: "You know, sometimes people -- not you, just people -- have to control everything they can because inside they feel totally out of control."
Norma: "Yeah those people sound really sick, doc."
Cyrus: "You don't ever feel that way? Not even like just a little bit?"
"I feel completely in control of everything in my life. How dare you make these stupid assumptions about me? You don't know anything about me. I work hard, I take care of my son, I know what's right and what's wrong for him. No one pushes me around! I control my own life! I'm in total control of my own life! I have a lot going on! I have a lot to deal with! But I do not feel powerless! EVER!"
Cyrus: "...Holy shit."
Norma: "Get your panties, Norman, we're blowin' this popstand!"
Of course Norman immediately wants a performance evaluation, like, he just sat there quietly in the best possible way he could, and the amazing beautiful manic smile she flashes at him -- "You were PERFECT!" -- is so incredible that you somehow feel like oxygen has returned to the atmosphere. Because in a way it has. She said what she needed to say, and effectively and decisively has ended treatment. Definitely for the Bateses, but possibly the entire profession.
BATES MOTEL
Jake: "Why Mrs. Bates, welcome! I'd offer you a drink, but this is a shitty motel."
Norma: "Take your cash and get out. Momma's on a roll, motherfucker."
She throws the money at him like a common street whore, and all of a sudden he grows about three feet and darkens the sky and it is just awful.
Jake: "I know you did not just throw money at me."
Norma: "I still don't know anything or who you are or what a sex murder club is, but we do not have future business! This relationship is severed!"
Jake: "Oh, no it is not."
Norma: "Blee blah blee! Argh! I have fucking had it with these motherfucking men in my motherfucking life!"
Jake: "You need to dial it way the fuck back, lady. I'm telling you this as a favor."
Norma: "Okay, fine. Still kind of on a rush from when I ate the face off that therapist. But listen, seriously. Do you want me to call the cops and tell them how you are a sex murderer and how I have been turning a blind eye to it because I have no idea what is going on right now?"
Jake: "What about you fucking Zack Shelby?"
Norma: "You go fuck Zack Shelby, how do you like them apples? I'm not afraid of you! You have no power over me!"
Jake: "Lady I'm not the Goblin King, I am a sex slaver and I will totally kill you."
Norma: "I will call the police if you don't pack your shit about bounce! GO! GO! GO!"
Jake: "Um, fine. See you in about a hot second when you realize I'm totally in with them too because how else would I get the [spoiler] I'm about to leave in your house. For such a smart lady you sure don't get how this town works at all. Which is funny because you are the main person we've been putting on this show for, and you never seem to pick up on it."
DEKODY
Emma: "Norman, if you're going to be living here half the time I think we should clear the air. It's going to be tough to be each other's only friend if you're gonna keep prissing out whenever I show up."
Norman: "Yeah, you're right. What's up?"
Emma: "They were being bitches about you. Specifically that Bradley would never in a million years fuck you because you are pathetic and weird. It pissed me off because I think you are so special, and so much better than any of them, and I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I'm sorry."
Norman: "Now that is a fucking apology, sister. Well done."
"Not finished. I wanted to clear the facts up also because I didn't want you to think I had ulterior motives. Yes, I am in love with you. Yes, I'm comfortable with you knowing that because I am a fucking saint and the coolest person in the world. But I don't have any expectations of you because of that because -- unlike you, apparently -- I understand that just wanting somebody to like you back is not the same thing as them having to do so. So we are friends, okay? You are incredibly special to me, and I feel safe with you, and I don't have any other friends, which doesn't bother me because you are still the best one. My entire life is about managing expectations, so please do me the solid of not assuming you can read my mind: Trust me, I will tell you what is on my mind. And right now, those expectations are managed, and I'm not trying to manipulate you or do anything other than what I am actually doing, right in front of you, which is being awesome as hell."
Norman: "Ten-four, Emma Dekody. I have never not been dicked around, so I was unfamiliar with the process. Now c'mere, you big lug."
Will walks in on them hugging -- every bit as complex and beautiful as Norma and Dylan, frankly, considering how balls-out Emma is about everything -- and gets the dad-chuckles about it, and they're both like, "Don't worry about it! Just hugging."
BATES MOTEL
Speaking of normal, not-particularly-gendered fun, Norma is so thrilled when Dylan (somewhat guiltily, though he has no idea what's been going on today) shows up with his twelve trimmers, that she randomly asks him on a date! It's incredibly cute.
Dylan: "What happened to No. 9?"
Norma: "Oh, you were so right about that guy. So I just fucking handled it. Like a boss."
Dylan: "Well done, Norma. I'm sure this won't bite us all in the ass. Anyway, about my creepy hippie friends, there's something you should..."
Norma: "I'll go get their keys! And hey listen, Dylan? You know I love you, right?"
Dylan: "I did not."
Norma: "Well, more importantly Norman is having dinner at the Dekodys, so I've got an open boyfriend slot. No promises that I'll be nice to you tomorrow, but do you want to get a bite?"
Dylan: (Is essentially speechless.)
Norma: "Great! I'll go put on some weird dress!"
But when she gets upstairs, and finds Zack Shelby's dead body laid out on her bed, it's not Dylan's name she runs around in circles screaming. It never is.
WEEK
Number Nine returns, offering to kill both her kids before doing some dreadful thing to Norma herself. Hopefully we'll get a couple more rungs, considering there's only two episodes left and I really want to know who the Big Bad is, and -- since the sex and drugs and vigilantism all have a proven common root at this point -- figure out how Norma plans to deal with finally realizing that WPB is actually hell on earth. And just as suspensefully whether or not Norman and Dylan will go with, "we fucking told you so" or the much more likely, "We no longer feel like moving out of town now that we have families and lives that are not solely about you."
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Bates Motel, and Defiance for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.