So how's everyone's Sunday nights treating them? A little sad and empty? Yeah. I saw Madonna last Sunday, so mine was okay. Don't hate! Congratulate! But I'm feeling the loss of BOTR. Sigh! But this will hold you over for a bit. Casting special! Woo!
The show starts out with the usual credit sequence, but with no annoying voice-over! Yay! Then the screen goes black and we learn that, "in April of 2000, VH1 solicited applications from real unsigned bands for a new reality series...hundreds of bands responded." Wow, that many? Not. Then a super-fast montage of boxes, file folders, paperwork, and video tapes whirs by until the captioning says "Stage one: Questionnaire." Then we see a bunch of questionnaires. Ohhh-kaaay.
"Stage two: Video submission." A blur of snippets whooshes by. There's a boy band, a girl band, two dudes singing and backing up another dude on guitar, some percussive action, and a drag queen/Iggy Pop clone. Then, HARLOW! They jam clumsily, then sit in a room with a bunch of candles burning and chat up the camera. They giggle but are articulate. So cute and charming! I love them.
Then, wham, stage three: Interview. HOLE-LOW hang on some couches in the VH1 offices (I presume) and talk some more. Rebecca says Amanda is a "huge influence on [them] -- the shorter the skirt, the higher the heels, the more tits, the better." The music follows that, I guess. Then Amanda says that being in a band "is very sexual, you're fucking the audience, almost." Yeow! That girl just puts it out there, doesn't she? I have to respect that. Then we see a lot of gratuitous footage of a Fluffy video (Amanda's old band) as she explains that Fluffy had lots of groupies, but she didn't get into it for the sex; that was just frosting. Hot fudge, if you will. How badly does this make me want to stop writing and grab my bass? How badly, you ask? Well, it's a thought. Michelle, practice your guitar, then we'll jam. Then, heels, skirts, tits, and -- look out, audience, you're about to be strapped on! Or not. Amanda goes on to say that once she fucked some girl in London who then ran out in the hall and broadcast that she "just did it with someone in Fluffy!" Yeah, I can see how that would get old.
HARLOT say they went through a lot of band names, and it took them a year before finding the right one. Rebecca wanted to use TUNA SANDWICH. Rebecca, Becky, Becks. You mean TUNA TACO, don't you? That's one of my favorite...things for dinner! Yeah, with hot sauce. Anyway. Rebecca says she thought it was a good name, and then the rest go on to characterize her as "the little sister and goofball" of the band. Not a bad role. Rebecca says that if she can buy a house and travel and get to stay friends with the rest of the band, it'd be a dream come true. Aw! So sweet. Chimene is characterized as "the rock star without a contract." But she had one once! With the Penny Dreadfuls. The video plays, and Chimene says she was proud of the music they made, but that they were not friends in the end, and that was a bummer for her. God, these girls have heart! Rayshele, you're up: the tough one. But that face! Don't trust the face, the other girls say. Rayshele is super pretty, but has done time. In juvie, sure, but still. She says in an interview that she last "got in trouble" at the age of 18, and realized that adult prison that was not where she wanted to end up. Juvie, however, was a cakewalk. She'd "brawl," and "steal," work in the kitchen and "bring back food for the kids...they'd worship [her], and [she'd] run the place because of [her] attitude." Part of me is wondering if perhaps Rayshele is romanticizing her nefarious past a wee bit, and also what made her stop getting into "trouble" so quickly. She's making it sound like she turned 18 and just grew out of fucking up -- or that all along she was just being a fuck-up because being in juvie was a way to be worshipped.
Some more video snippets fly by. Yawn. These are from the "not interesting" pile. Some are from the "utterly generic poo" pile. Then, hey! Who are these five fresh-faced boys from Dallas, playing an acoustic set with a silver-throated singer? FLICKERSTICK! After the song ("Coke"), they say they've been together for two years. Rex (a redhead! That explains a lot) says he's the newest addition to the band. After "failing" as a songwriter and at fronting a band of his own, he came to take the guitar out of Brandin's hands, allowing him to be "the rock star up front." Yeah, putting a fist on your hip a la Mick Jagger loses some impact when you're wearing a guitar. Fletcher says he used to be where Rex was, but got "pushed back" on the stage to make room. He moves less, and has "less ego," and was "pissed" when that happened. He laughs when he says it, but you know he means it. I really wonder about Fletcher. I mean, no other bands with brothers in them have as little strife as FLICK does. Fletcher must have a lot of patience. I mean, The Kinks? Oasis? Stray Cats? They fought all the fucking time. But Fletcher and Brandin seem totally tight and cool with each other. Amazing. You have to give Fletcher credit for that. ["I think they're just used to performing together, what with the little sequined outfits from their childhood." -- Sars]
Now, Corey and Dom face off. They talk about fighting, and drinking, to excess. Then Corey says he and Dom are probably "too much alike in some ways," and everyone say it with me: Woof! Ho dogs. Yeah. Corey says this is a source of problems since they fight a lot. Yup. We remember. Oh, the memories!
Brandin says the band is stuck with each other since "the magic [they] make onstage" is so blah blah blah band mythologycakes. Then he says that he's been a performer all his life because his "parents own dance studios." That's an interesting turn of phrase, isn't it? We see a snapshot of Brandin, Fletcher, and the 'rents in SAILOR SUITS, bwa! Hee. Aw. He used to get his "ass kicked everyday." Fletcher says he kicked the ass of a guy that called his dad a "fag," and no one ever messed with him after that.
Q: What's the craziest sexual encounter you have ever been in? No, not YOU. The BANDS.
A fresh-faced Sutton says that he and Bob were with two girls, and that Bob liked to talk in bed, which was a surprise. Isn't that always a surprise? It can get annoying. I dated one guy that loved to talk, but also needed me to talk, and after a while of hearing, "What do you want me to dooo?" I wanted to say, "Shut the hell up and just do SOMETHING." He was lame. Ancient history. Anyway. Dom says he was with two girls and lots of videotape. Charming. Adrian (of DOODITZ) says she "double-teamed" her b.f. with her best friend. Brandin says his girlfriend picked girls out of the crowd after a show, and "it was a bit of a blur," but in the morning there were "four naked girls, and [he] was like, whoa!" Rebecca says she was with two girls and a guy, but "only for a minute," and that when someone picked up a dildo she was gone like John. Sutton says that he and Bob switched girlies, and that the girl he was with shook her head and was like, hey! You're not Bob! Sutton left out the part when she said, "Yay."
More lame footage of lamer bands flashes by, and we're at the SOULCRACKER segment. Hold on, let me get the bottle. It's summer, and I'm switching from whiskey to vodka and tonic. Okay? I'll switch back in the fall. An off-camera voice asks the assembled SUCKCRAPPER how they got together, and like idiots, they grin and smile and look at each other until Sutton says, "In college." Is they where they got the bong from, too? In the "call-back interview," they all say their names and what they play. Zzzz. Oh, I'm sorry, were they still talking? There's a shot of this HILARIOUS "Miller Light Presents!" band poster with "Soulcracker!" written in some zippy font straight from the title credits of the movie Zapped!, with Bob, Beastie, Apey, and Sutton all posing for the camera in a very Spice Girl way. First of all, Ramsey? Thank your lucky stars you aren't on this poster. You will make it out alive. And the rest of you guys? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! A.P. has the best pose! It's very Scary Spice. He's clutching his fist at the camera, and he's doing a total tae bo forward kick! Sutton is tugging his ear just like Carol Burnett used to do, Bob looks like a doofus, and Beastie has folded his arms across his chest and is frowning at the camera like he's about to ask it for some ID. He autograph is a "B" in a circle, it looks like. These guys practice their autographs. Sutton's signature says, "I am a queer bait!" HA HA! Oh, man. I hate those guys. Right off the bat, they start dropping numbers. Someone prattles on that they lived off the band for awhile, and in 1998 they played 226 shows, and grossed over $120,000 and lived on that. Uh, guys? $120k split four ways? Is only $25,000 a year. Not. Luxury. Remember Rebecca with her dreams of a house and travel and friendship? That's a better dream than your reality. Why'd you go to college, again? Someone else says that "in order to do that, you have to be on the road constantly." Wow, really? To play 226 shows a year, you have to go on the road? You mean, you can't play one club in one town 226 times? Okay! Now I see how it is! I get it now! These guys are Simp. Le. Sutton says they opened up for Fishbone a few times (and how'd they get that gig?), and "you don't get paid for that, maybe a couple hundred bucks..." Sutton? That is getting paid. What college did these guys go to, Huffing U? Go, Canisters! Fight fight huff!
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What fights did SOULTRAIN have? Zzzzz. Oh, shit, I still have to do this? They fought about booze, and no drinking before playing a show. Beastie prattles on about how they "wait to get wasted," and "if that makes [us] squeaky clean, then squeaky clean" they are, or some such nonsense. What tools. Then he says SOULCRACKERSANDCHEESE have "drank more beer and pissed more blood than any other band, not." Except the part that was true. Then Beastie says "sex" is the best part and LA LA LA LA LA! NOT LISTENING! Sorry, Sars, not gonna happen. Sutton says the best part is the rock and roll, because there's too much drama with the sex and you make your friends angry with the drugs. Sutton, honey? Ditch your friends. You can make better ones. Then they do a really lame, uninspired cover of The Pixies' "Here Comes Your Man," and it SUCKS. Bob sings the high part and cannot keep time with his shaker thing. Beastie is I guess…singing bass? Lord, that's lame. None of their voices have any character. I think they were chosen because they're photogenic. Except for Beastie.
After another sequence of weak video clips -- DODES, you're up. He bangs away at the piano at the Bitter End, and we get it. A funk band that fakes it. Play that funky music, white boy. Lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you die. And die in a hurry; I want to hear some rock music.
Josh says he wasn't popular as a kid. And it still bothers him to this very day. So what am I supposed to do about that now? Cry? Tilt my head and say "aw"? No. Sorry. I can't. You just suck too much. Josh says he found "solace" in music and that he was "passionate about it too," but that made his "peer interactions difficult" as well. So, let me get this straight. You were unpopular, then got into music, so I guess you thought you were pretty hot shit and then things got worse on the school playground? Geek alert! Whoop whoop! And a lame one too! I have no sympathy for people that claim to be still traumatized from being unpopular as kids. Like, get over it! Was your father raping you? Did you get beaten severely? Did your mom crack you across the face for opening a bag of potato chips before dinner? What I'm saying is that you have have felt torture, but that there are DEGREES of difficult times. And Josh? I'm just GUESSING that what you think was rough growing up was not in fact that rough. Put the tiny violin down.
Jo Jo makes a big deal out of being in Kid Rock's band and having been "lied to" and that is was a rap thing at first and then became a metal band, and "quitting" that band was good, since this band is going to do something whether they get (or get kicked off) the show or not. The singers, Maiya and Adrian, introduce themselves. Hi! Then Daryl's up, and he says he brings an air of "stability and balance" to the band because of his age and experience. Ha ha ha. Not! Who was crashing vans and getting in fistfights with people? Daryl? You are neither stable nor balanced. Get. Real.
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Okay, worst crime? Daryl says fights in bars, but no bank robbing. AP bugs his eyes and laughs. Sutton says he and Bob and Beastie were pulled over for shooting a gun out of a car (a drive-by? No, probably shooting at traffic signs) and cops held guns to their heads and said, "Looks like a bazooka at this range, doesn't it, son!" Sutton makes it sound like a misty watercolor memory. Hey, remember that time? Cops held guns to our heads? Aw, yeah. Beastie says he used to steal food, and once he got arrested with two packs of cigarettes and a flower for his girlfriend who was "waiting out in the car." Just hold on, honey, I'm going to steal some cigarettes! Rex is agog at the question, and asks if people say "murder" when asked. Rex is a redhead! A natural redhead! Hee.
Okay, last question: What do you want out of Bands on the Run? Corey says he "would sell his soul to the devil to be a rock star." Sigh right here! Thank you! Rebecca says she wants to win and kick all the other bands' asses. Josh says he needs someone to take a chance on his band, and that this would "pay off." Heh. Apey says he "really believes in what the band is doing," and if what the band is doing is "sucking," well, I believe in it too. Corey then says that interviewing and playing stuff doesn't make him nervous -- what makes him nervous is wondering "what's going to happen" to him? Corey? You're going to be fine.
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