So we’re still in Pittsburgh, and all the bands are waking up and getting ready to go. FLICKERSTICK is slowly unfrazzling itself, and Cory walks in with a shit-eating grin on his face. Someone got laid! Brandin: “Where the hell were you, man?” Cory: “In a log cabin somewhere.” Nice, dude. Nice. All the guys in the band start busting his chops, which is really funny. Fletcher: “One fan at a time, baby.” What? Whatever, dude, you have a fiancée! Not like that necessarily matters. Oh, you’ll see.
Brendon and Katina magically appear to rub the fact that FLICKERSTICK is still in the lead in the faces of all the other bands. They go over the totals again.
FLICK -- $3331
HARLOW -- $3007
DODES -- $3067
CRACK -- $2996
Okay, so this is how it’s gonna work. The bands are going to Columbus, Ohio. Thursday night, all the bands are gonna play separate venues. Saturday night, all the bands are gonna compete in a battle, and whoever loses gets the boot. Now this is where it starts ill up in piece.
Bob: “I think we just need to play as much as possible, sell that merch, stay on the show.” Yeah, it’s worked like a bloody charm 'til now. Not. Your band smells and sounds like poo. And you know what? Poo isn’t that great. Shut up, Bob. Brandin mentions that “we’re not gonna do anything different, we’re just gonna do the same thing and hope things work out again.” I hope so, dude. You guys rule.
And they’re off. In the HARLOW van, Rebecca mentions that she has developed a fondness for all of the bands, and she doesn’t like the whole “voting off” thing. “It just kinda breaks my heart. Why can’t we all just stay on tour the whole time?” That’s a really nice thing to say, but SOULCRACKER needs to get kicked off this show, for real. But she’ll see soon enough, when CRACKSMOKER uses their shameless tactics to screw HARLOW out of a bonus. Jerks. But, hey, all in all, I think Rebecca’s the bomb. I’d like to have a beer or eight with her. At my house. Becky, how does eight o'clock on Saturday sound? Good? Great. See you then. Love ya, babe. Oops.
Dominic thinks FLICK might have an edge in Columbus with the college kids, just because “well, you know, we are the ‘party band.’” Yeah, you are. But you rock, man. You may smell, but you rule. Rock. Dom, to the band: “Sororities, dude. Wherever there’s chicks, there’s guys.” True, true.
Over at DODES camp, there some talk of a “merch swap,” which basically means that two bands buy equal amounts of merchandise from one another to increase their tour earnings. I understand that DODES wants to cover his ass, and he’s found a totally legal way to do it, but why with ASSCRACKER? They’re such jerks! Josh seems like a nice enough guy; in fact, the only person I don’t like in his band is Daryl (I won’t even start, cuz it’ll never finish). But, damn. I mean, SOULCRACKER? Dude. Dude. No, seriously -- dude. Adrian and Maiya have moral objections, but Jo Jo thinks otherwise: “I don’t think it’s mean or backstabbing or anything, it’s just being competitive.” I agree, but still. Those other guys are jerks. Except Suttmuffin. We like him and his hair.
And we’re in Columbus. Rebecca’s trying to get things ready for the show on Thursday.
Bonus! Bonus! There are two fraternities having parties tonight. Each party can accommodate two bands, but the bands have to literally find the frat to book the show. Jo Jo and Josh run around looking for a house, and a car almost hits Jo Jo. He calls the driver a “ballsack,” which tickles me pink.
FLICKERSTICK finds the TKE house and sets up their gig.
Now here comes the really scummy nonsense from the ASSLICKER side. Somehow Slutton is able to get the numbers for both frat houses, and he books shows at both. Not. That is such bullshit. It would be different if they followed the rules and actually went to both houses to book the gig, but they just decided to be jerks, as always. I hate SOULCRACKER. They’re so mean-spirited and lazy. Plus, Beastie. This show would be a lot more fun if they weren’t around. Man, I hope they go down.
HARLOW and FLICKERSTICK catch wind of this little double-booking fiasco, and are none too pleased. Dominic: “I was pissed. I already wasn’t too happy about SOULCRACKER. Now I just want to shove my drumsticks up their asses.” All except for that last part. That was me. DODES also hears about it, and they’re all vexed because they thought they were in cahoots with SOLESLAPPER from the whole “merch swap” idea. But no. SOULCRACKER is a group that consists of jerks. Flat out. Looking out for number one. Ugh. It even turns out that DODES set up the gig at the Lambda house for SOULCRACKER. That sucks. Poor DODES. They’re totally the underdog. But they’re in second, remember.
Okay, I’m sorry, but Heather Locklear needs to stop being on my television, cuz, well, you know, she sucks.
Back at TKE, Rebecca is freaked, because HARLOW can’t play since CRACKERASSJERKBAND double-booked. Bob comes in, and Becks brings it to him: “You guys are double-booked?” Bob: “Uh, yeah.” “Well, you can’t do that!” “Yes we can.” “No way. That’s so lame!” Later, Rebecca mentions that “SOULCRACKER is kinda hard-ass when it comes to this game.” Bob: “We booked these shows fair and square.” Not really, butthole. In fact, you totally cheated, Cheater Von Cheatsuck. So whatever, SUCKSUCKER plays a short set, and sounds like ass. Nobody even cares. Brandin thinks, “They’re so concerned with winning that they aren’t paying attention to what they’re losing in the process.” Right on, Brandin. Don’t even sweat it.
Rebecca doesn’t want to “put up a fight or anything, cuz we think we’re going home in a few days.” Brandin: “Well, maybe you wouldn’t be if everyone played by the rules.” Again, Brandin, you are correct. Good show. Top drawer.
So FLICKERSTICK starts to play at TKE, and everyone is really into it. Brandin talks some serious shit about SOULCRACKER, which everyone finds funny, including yours truly. “Those guys had to leave because they’re playing another frat. We wanted to play just one and chill with you guys.” Much approval from Fratville, USA. Nice.
SOULCRACKER arrives at the Lambda house, where Josh Dodes is a still a bit angry. Bob shrugs it off as a “misunderstanding,” which DODES totally accepts. Why? Why don’t they break free from SOULCRACKER? It was so not a misunderstanding, Josh. “They’re the one band I don’t want to fight with. I have respect for them.” Dude, they’re trying to win. Don’t form an alliance with them. They’ll screw you. And certainly don’t talk about respect. They don’t respect your ass. Whatever. Do what you have to do.
So DODES plays, and people seem to like it. HARLOW plays to about fifteen leftover frat boys (thanks a lot, DICKSMACKER). They are not happy. So afterwards, they decide to go to their Thursday venue (“The High Five”) to have some fun. Rebecca: “We walked into The High Five, and it was like being back in L.A.” The girls meet the owner and the booker of the place, both of whom are really cool and dance with them into the wee hours. That’s what it’s all about, man. See, I’ve come like HARLOW, even though I think their music blows. Amanda still kind of freaks me out, but it might just be her horrendous extensions. But those girls have fun. Good for them.
Dr. Pepper does what? Makes the world taste better? Dude, that’s sick! I gotta get some. Not.
Okay, so, merchandise sales so far:
FLICK -- $37
HARLOW -- $109
DODES -- $116
JERKS-WHO-I-HATE -- $184 (Dammit, they’re gaining! Noooooo!)
BUTTCRACKER decides to set up in the middle of the quad at the college and play. Halfway through the first song, a professor comes out and tells them he’s in the middle of class. They stop playing, but continue sucking. Suckers. Whatever -- nobody’s even listening to them. Sutton: “So apparently this is a university. Nobody told us that.” Like, ha ha, Slutmuffin. What happened to you, man? It used to be about the music.
But apparently, CRACK is the only band that’s awake right now. Everyone else is in bed, and it’s about two in the afternoon. Whaps.
Finally, FLICKERSTICK decides to get up. Fletcher and Brandin start talking about how they’ve slacked off since Pittsburgh. Fletcher: “I think we’re all a little tired, a little stressed.” Dominic: “We feel like used-car salesmen, cuz we’ve had to sell ourselves so we don’t get kicked off.” Yeah, dude, but that’s the game. Brandin: “We are slackers, but we’ve come in first place twice.” Hmm. Let’s not get cocky, guy. Anyway, they get to work and go around to record stores and stuff, promoting for their Thursday show. As they’re leaving one, some random guy is handing out SOULCRACKER flyers, and the boys in FLICK are a little worried. Cory: “There is no way SOULCRACKER is gonna lose this thing. They will not allow themselves to lose.” I hope you’re wrong, Cory.
Out of absolutely nowhere, there’s Sade playing, and we’re talking about Fletcher’s fiancée, Angel, whom we’ve never heard about until this episode. It’s actually kind of interesting; the day FLICK had to fly to LA to audition for the show, Angel went into labor with the little Fletchspawn. Fletcher: “What do you do in a situation like that? But she was really great about it, she just said ‘Play your best. Get the show. Make it worth it.’” At this point, he’s all teary-eyed and his chin is trembling. Aw. But wait.
Rex is feeling a bit lonely as well: “I wanna see my wife. But I can’t cuz I’m in a rock band.” Aw, it’s all right, dude. She misses you, too. Probably.
Now it’s time to meet Stephanie. Stephanie is really drunk, and will apparently sleep with anything with a pulse. She starts getting pretty freaky with some other girl at the bar while the guys in FLICKERSTICK stand around watching and giggling like schoolgirls. Then they all get kicked out of the bar. Heh.
Now might be a good time to mention that Bands On The Run has become “The FLICKERSTICK show.” At least that’s what it seems like, cuz it’s been about a half hour since we’ve seen any of the other bands.
Oh, okay, here we go. DODES sets up to play at some random bar/club where everyone is dancing to Snoop Dogg. Josh realizes that they may not be so well received: “I said that if we hit a low point, Jo Jo should just go nuts on the drums.” Which he totally does. Jo Jo can really play. Come to think of it, all the drummers on this tour are pretty good, even Bob (which pains me to say, trust me). So, the crowd is really impressed with Jo Jo, and everyone screams and gets really psyched. Nice.
BUTTCRACKER is playing some coffeehouse. They sell merch. Whatever, they make me sick now. Luckily, we haven’t heard much from Beastie in this episode.
Over at Bernie’s, a punk club, HARLOW is beginning to rock (and I use that term loosely). People at this place are jerks. Rebecca: “You put people in front of a camera, and it’s, like, instant asshole.” All these people start trash-talking HARLOW. Chimene thinks it’s because “they felt threatened by women being on stage.” Um, maybe it’s because you’re band doesn’t sound good. It’s 2001. You think you’re the first all female band ever? Didn’t you ever see Satisfaction with Justine Bateman? Maybe you guys just need a cowbell player. Anyway, when they’re done, their new friend Nikki (the “fifth member of HARLOW”) is really supportive. And by "supportive," I mean that she wants to pork Amanda. They’re dancing really close and touching and kissing. “Hey, Dad, I think she’s gonna pork her!” “Shut up, Russ.”
Meanwhile, SOULCRACKER is playing their fifth show in two days. Beastie: “We could do this forever, I think.” Fine, go ahead, do it. I’ll stay here and not watch you. “We need to just keep going to be safe.” Not from my wrath, Toothy.
Merch update:
FLICK -- $37 (Ow. That’s gonna leave a mark.)
HARLOW -- $169
DODES -- $256
SOULCRACKER -- $498 (Nooooooooo!)
Show day. It’s 10:30 AM, and Brandin is waking up to Stephanie. She’s planning to hang out again tonight. Greeeaaat.
Chimene has no idea where Amanda is. But we do. She and Nikki have been rolling in the hay all evening. Good for Amanda. She needed to get some ass, as she tells us: “I have an extremely large sex drive, and it’s exhausting.” Hmm.
Merch swap! Merch swap! Hey, I called no scummies! That’s right, DODES and SHITSMACKER are doing their big swap to get ahead. They’ve agreed to buy $30 worth of merch from each other to give their totals a boost. I don’t have a problem with it, really. I just wish HARLOW and FLICK had done it instead. Or, you know, any band except BOWLCRACKER.
Commercials. Blech.
So DODES is starting to play, and they’re pretty satisfied with how things are going. They’ve got a really big crowd, and they sound pretty tight. They even have a few dancers. Nice. Jo Jo: “I think it’s the best night we’ve ever had, response-wise. That bar was perfect for us.”
Over at SOULCRACKER’s eighth show, they’re getting heckled by a couple of slack-jawed yokels. Good, I say. Heckle on, boys -- heckle on. Damn, Beastie sucks. All he does is jump around the stage like he’s having some kind of seizure. He makes those smug-ass faces whenever someone even mentions beer. He can’t sing, he can’t dance, and he most definitely cannot be my friend. Ev. Er.
At FLICKERSTICK’s gig, Cory is bantering with the crowd: “Just so everyone knows, there’s this other band called SOULCRACKER on this tour, and on the count of three I want everyone to scream ‘SOULCRACKER sucks,’ okay? One, two, three.
SOULCRACKER SUCKS! Woo hoo! Yeah! Ow!
Everyone goes along with it, which is so great.
Stephanie’s there, totally wasted. FLICKERSTICK sounds really good, and the song they’re playing sounds like a U2 song. Nice.
HARLOW is starting their show at The High Five, and people seem to dig it this time. Rayshele: “Everyone just took an immediate liking to us.” Chimene: “Those girls [from The High Five] literally worked their asses off [sic] for us.” Really? Their asses fell off? That’s awesome. Long live rock. It’s true, though; that girl Nikki sells off a ton of HARLOW's CDs. Seems like a cool chick.
More multi-band merch-selling shots, set to “Don’t Bring Me Down” by ELO. God, I haven’t heard that song in years. Anyway, a lot of drunk Fratty McBeerslides linger as the bands finish up and count their totals. Stephanie is all over Brandin, but he’s not havin’ it cuz he’s gotta work it.
And here are Brendon and Katina with the tallies:
Merchandise Sales:
FLICK -- $318 (Oh, damn.)
HARLOW -- $849
DODES -- $743
ASSLICKER -- $1073 (Ohmygodthisisn’thappeningohmygodohmygod)
Ticket Sales:
FLICK -- $402
HARLOW -- $588
DODES -- $730
ANALSPASM -- $475
Tour totals:
FLICK -- $4051
HARLOW -- $4444
DODES -- $4540
WORSTBANDEVER -- $4538
Oh, dammit. If HARLOW or FLICKERSTICK gets kicked off, this show is gonna suck. They’re the only really interesting people on this show. VH1 should really try to contrive some situation that would get NUTSACKER kicked off. They should call them on the bonus foul they pulled earlier. They totally broke the rules. Screw them. Good for DODES, though; they're a decent band and they were definitely the underdog for a while, but they’re pulling through. FLICK needs to get their shit together, though. They have to win. Do it for Johnny! I mean, uh…
Fletcher: “That whole night was just a really strange night. Everything was out of whack.” Shot of the full moon. FLICK walking inside in slo-mo. Fletcher and Brandin are talking in the hall, and Stephanie comes out. You remember Stephanie. She and Brandin boinked last night. So she hollers at Fletcher to “come over here.” Being obliterated, he does as he’s told. They sneak into the bathroom and boff. It’s hilarious, too, because they’re trying to be all quiet, but change keeps falling out of their pockets, and then they start panting and moaning. The camera guy goes over to Cory, who’s in the bedroom, kicking back with a beer in bed, listening intently and giggling with an astonished look on his face. That’s classic. That’s why I like this show. If these guys get kicked off, I’m gonna be really pissed.
Okay, so not only do they record the sound of Fletcher and Stephanie humping, but afterwards they follow her out to the car to interview her. “How do you think Fletcher’s fiancée is going to feel when she sees this show?” Stephanie: “I think she’d be really happy for him, meeting people, getting them to come see their band, liking them.” Yeah, liking. Nice one. Nyet.
week, there’s more. Fletcher’s dad buys Angel (Fletch’s fiancée) a ticket to see him, and it's a surprise. Oh, yeah. He’ll be surprised, alright. The battle is week, and a band (please, oh please let it be SOULCRACKER) gets the big ol’ boot in the ass. It looks like they’re all rockin’ pretty hard. Should get interesting…
'Til week! Woo hoo! Not.