The Muppets, The Famewhores, And Me

S08E02

Emily takes Joe to The Greenbrier, a fancy resort with a pretty famous golf course, from what I understand. Meanwhile, the guys back in Charlotte talk about the possibility of taking on a woman with a child, and it's nice that they're discussing it, I guess, but when Kalon offhandedly opines that Dad Doug put being a dad on hold to come on the show, that leads to Dad Doug telling Kalon to "just check it" about a billion times, and while we all hate Kalon, obvs, I'm not sure Dad Doug's utter defensiveness means Kalon's point is completely invalid. In other words, of all the myriad reasons to get on Kalon's case, that's pretty far down the list, show.

Nationwide won't be on my side until they hire actors who can hit a note.

Apparently Emily coming down a spiral staircase is "the most romantic thing [Joe has] ever seen," which explains why Emily lets us know she's probably going to be booking him on a plane that skips Charlotte. She gives him the "where do you see yourself in five years" question, which has to be death, and he has no answer and this is just painful to watch, even before Emily points to the "love clock" on the wall, into which you're supposed to drop a note about love, or something. Joe's is really sweet, and he's going home, but at least Emily feels bad about it, and tries not to break down as she tells him it's not going to happen. He's pretty hurt, I think, and takes off, which probably is for the best, given the ironic fireworks that go off five seconds later. Emily's shaken but says she trusts herself, and it's good that she's feeling so strong given that she has to eliminate a billion and one other dudes before this is over.

Alejandro talks about how Joe's departure signaled that the rest of them need to step it up, and I love how they all act like people going home is optional. Emily then turns up and talks about how amazingly hilarious Joe was, which I guess is the signal to the rest of them not to make jokes, and after the "comedy" with the Muppets I sort of can't blame her. Emily then takes Arie aside and talks about everyone's favorite conversational topic, Scottsdale, before Arie tells her he dated a woman with two kids once. They guys then get crazy when they see Ryan talking to Emily, since Ryan ALREADY HAS A ROSE! How dare he! With Tony watching, Ryan gives Emily a letter, and Emily talks about how awkward this must be for Tony, but he could, you know, STEP AWAY. Emily reads the thing out loud, and God help me, it's kind of awesome, especially since it's so comically long that it merits a commercial break. I do think Ryan is overselling a bit, given how well the date went, and Emily seems to agree, and then Tony FINALLY gets to tell Emily that he has a son, and the way she's like "Oh, how interesting" doesn't bode well for Tony in my opinion.

Chris, our "Corporate Sales Director," picks up the card Harrison left and talks about how things just got "real," and I'm surprised the universe didn't implode upon hearing that word used with this show in any capacity. Why he got chosen to read the card suggests that "charisma" was not a deciding factor, but after a douchey interview during which he begs the card to have his name on it, he announces the date -- for Ryan. "Be my king in the queen city... Emily." I don't know what any of that, including the ellipsis, means, nor do I know what a "Pro Sports Trainer" is, but that's Ryan. He drawls something about how his pastor always gave him the best advice when it came to women, and I hope for his sake he doesn't consider that first-date conversation. Kalon, the resident villain, says that Ryan either will come back with a rose or won't come back at all, so at least he was paying attention, I guess.

Many shirtless dudes hang by the pool, brewskis in hand, and it sounds great on paper but no, although I might want to hang out with the guy who forgets to pretend he's excited when Emily appears. Ryan, whose stupid hair and silly t-shirt with black pants makes me think his suitcase is staying with him, is the victim of an edit mentioning steroids, which I'm not seeing from his body, at least. We then get the first mention of Brad, and I'm not sure how ready Emily is for marriage if she can't get past the ten-minute mark without mentioning that idiot, and then in the SUV, they keep looking at each other, and Emily, I hope you keep your eyes on the road more when you're driving around that daughter who's so important to you. They pull up to Emily's house, and the "date" starts with them bringing groceries inside, whereupon Emily tells them they're going to make cookies. Just so you know I'm not one thousand percent jaded, Ryan is a fine sport about the whole thing, and Emily seems appreciative. He also notes that the date is probably actually somewhat indicative of what their day-to-day life could be like, and despite the fact that they probably wouldn't both be home during the day I'm finding myself kind of agreeing with that thought, so obviously I need to beat myself over the head with a bat immediately.

Oh, this'll do -- the other guys are at the house talking about how hot Emily looked in plain clothes and wondering if Ryan's going to meet the daughter, and one of the dudes with kids says no way. Predictable cut to Emily and Ryan pulling up to daughter Ricki's soccer field, but Emily makes Ryan wait in the car while she drops off the cookies. Back in the car, Emily thanks Ryan for his indulgence, and then tells him they're going to dinner.

At a hotel, a shirtless Ryan irons a collared shirt, and then he's coming out and greeting Emily as "the lady in red," and while on my screen her dress looks magenta, the hypocrisy of giving someone else shit for straining to make a pop-culture reference would actually crush me to death, so I'm good. They pull up to dinner in front of a large crowd, and I'm taking all these people with nothing better to do than cheer on Season Five Hundred Three of this show as a sign that the Charlotte Tourism Board needs to hire more people. The restaurant is totally empty, and Emily VO gives us Brad Mention #2 in saying that she's going to ask the tough questions. Said "tough questions" involve her declaring that she doesn't want to see this reality show as a competition, so we'll be moving on now. Well, not until Ryan babbles about his feelings and how she needs a guy who will be a good father or whatever, and I don't know how they're lighting this but they both seem like they're getting more tan by the minute.

That same Chris gets to read off the group date card, possibly because he shares his name with the host, and here they are: Alejandro. Nate. Alessandro. Tony. Michael. John. Jefff. Charlie. Kyle. Chris (ugh). Aaron. Stevie. Kalon (dougle ugh, and villain position once more). Much fist-bumping and bro-ing. The note reads, "Let's set the stage for love." They all speculate that they'll be doing some kind of theatrical performance -- good thinking -- and after Kalon camera-interviews that he's super-comfortable with performing, one of the guys asks if he's going to fly to the theater in a helicopter. Not a great joke, but at this point, I'll allow it.

Ryan, without palpable pretension, tells Emily that he likes her, whereupon Emily worries to the camera that he's too perfect -- like Brad. This is Brad Mention #3, and in case there are any more, I think I'll start abbreviating the Brad Mentions as BMs. Seems appropriate, somehow. Thankfully, Emily doesn't drag things out as she picks up the rose, tells him how much she enjoyed spending time with him, and hands it over. Shoot me now, but I think they're a little bit cute, at least until they start talking about the chase and whatever. And the date isn't over -- they go to see Gloriana, whoever that is. They dance in front of tons of people taking pictures with their cell phones, and Ryan calls it "surreal," which is a use of "real" that's a step in the right direction.

Emily's getting ready in her dressing room when the guys show up to the theater, and she tells them that they're going to be performing -- singing, dancing, comedy, and you can just say "variety show," Emily, we won't tell anyone. Charlie is apparently terrified of performing, which is pretty funny given that he's already on national TV, but Emily goes on that they're raising money for a local children's hospital, and I'm not really sure where the money's coming from but I'm sure I won't have to look hard to find things to complain about that don't involve charitable giving. John, the Data Destruction Dude, talks about how the competition is going to be "fierce," and at this point that word is so tired among us gays that he's welcome to it.

Alessandro looks like a really friendly and enthusiastic member of the canine community as Emily says she brought some "friends" with her, and then a curtain opens to reveal Kermit and Miss Piggy, whom my editor was kind enough to warn me about in advance. I mean, much like Tony, I loved the Muppets as a kid, but the only thing this is going to do for me is change my contention that they peaked in terms of overexposure when they appeared on billboards for Values.com. Tony then does a Kermit voice that's so embarrassing that it almost circles all the way back around to being awesome, but not quite. Miss Piggy talks about how hard up she is, and then the guys get to work rehearsing dancing, singing, etc. God, Fozzie Bear is there coaching them on stand-up, and then John talks about how they're going to have to do something extremely embarrassing, like that's totally and exclusively in the future.

Oh, Charlie's the one who had the accident, so he's got some problems speaking, which is what's causing his stage fright. Okay, another topic I can't make fun of this. He goes in to explain to Emily how he might not be able to do comedy because of his disabilities and the attendant insecurities, and Emily kindly tells him that she never would have guessed he had any speech problems before reassigning him to singing. Of course, if he knew how the other guys were going to do with the comedy, he probably wouldn't be so worried.

Emily gamely goes through some bullshit with Kermit and Miss Piggy, whom I don't think are being voiced by their first team, and then Charlotte once again makes me worry about it by filling up the theater, including Emily's daughter and mother. Guys in tuxedos and top hats make fools of themselves, including our "Party MC" Stevie. Chris Harrison subs in for Waldorf, which is the biggest travesty of the evening, at least until the stand-up "comedy" five seconds later. I wouldn't mention "Miss Piggy Live," except Charlie kills it for this show, so that's nice. He's never going to make it.

Then Ricki comes up and sings "The Rainbow Connection" with Kermit and her mother, and it turns out they raised twenty grand for the hospital. If the hospital thinks this was all worth it, I won't disagree.

I guess this is where Emily gives one of the thirteen -- thirteen! -- guys on the "group date" a rose. Emily tells Jeffff that she wonders why he didn't come talk to her, while she thinks Chris is sooooooooo good-looking. Ryan then brings in another date card, and it's for Joe, the "Field Energy Advisor." Sean, the insurance agent who, I have to say, is far better-looking than Chris, is bummed that he didn't get a date. Party MC Stevie then tries to put some gross dance moves on Emily, which Charlie sees and rightly goes to gather the other guys to check out. Instead of doing the smart thing and just watching amusedly while this cheeseball makes a fool of himself, though, Kalon decides he's going to go cut in, and he's just gross. Then Aaron gets in on the game and it's all stupid, and then Kalon and Stevie are fighting, and if you're not a sports person this is a good example of what it means not to have a rooting interest. Anyway, Emily returns and gives the date rose to...she does drag this out a bit more...but it goes to Jefffff. Chris snits that he doesn't get it, which is an unfortunate but appropriate lead-in to the show giving us information on how to apply to be on The Bachelor.

Emily says she's nervous because Joe looks like Matthew McConaughey, which aside from the hair is patently untrue, and then Joe tells us he has no idea where they're going but it doesn't matter, and how do the contestants unfailingly come up with such original material? He says he won't know what he did wrong if he gets cut after spending "X amount of hours with her," and look, I didn't make him use "amount" when he meant "number," but if he's looking for a reason why he gets sent home I'd start there. Joe gets brought to the airport, which will be convenient if the date doesn't go so well, and Emily informs him that they're going to her home state of West Virginia. If Joe sings "Country Roads" in response, it doesn't make the final edit.

Nationwide won't be on my side until they hire actors who can hit a note.

Kalon blabbers to Emily about how mature he is and whatever, and I think Emily might be drunk by this point, and the other guys mill about like nervous expectant fathers and talk about how stuck-up Kalon is, and there's talk about making enemies and whatever, and then Chris Harrison has appeared, and Emily disappears and then it's time for the Rose Ceremony. Ryan and Jefffff are safe, so there are "only" fourteen roses to hand out, and then Emily returns from sobering up and gives them out: Kalon, not dragging it out. Arie. Michael (who?) Nate (who?) Sean (hot!) Chris. Doug. Guys starting to shit their pants. Travis (seriously, no idea). Tony. John. Alessandro. Charlie (yay!) Alejandro. One more. And it's... Stevie (ew). That means Aaron the biology teacher and Kyle the financial advisor are going home. Kyle thinks he should have opened up more, which is probably true, and that his heart is broken, which probably isn't. Aaron is just bitter, so I guess it's going to be a tough semester for his bio students. week: Dolly Parton, which makes me SO SAD, but I won't have to watch unless Daniel chooses to slice up another finger... I mean, "has another unfortunate accident." Either way, tune in!

John Ramos is a writer and film producer living in Los Angeles. His current film, "The Trouble With Bliss," starring Michael C. Hall, Lucy Liu, Brie Larson, and Peter Fonda, can be seen on iTunes and other digital platforms and cable VOD everywhere. (Facebook and Twitter here.) You can email him at couchbaron@gmail.com, follow him on Twitter at https://twitter.com/couchbaron, or check out his blog, "Pull Up A Chair," which he'd just love for you to stop by.