"My name is Emily." Thus begins my descent into madness, as Emily Maynard and her boob job talk about how she cannot be-lieve that she's the Bachelorette, as though she has no control over such things and they don't involve agents and contracts and the selling of one's soul for a fistful of dollars.
She is grateful, however and she hopes to meet someone to marry and have children with and who can be a father figure for her current moppet, who is the most important thing in her life. She tells us about how her baby daddy was in a plane crash, and it was the worst thing that ever happened to her, right before she found out she was pregnant.
She makes pancakes for her daughter and drives a van full of girls and enforces rules like "No potty talk!" which makes everyone giggle. She wants a family and wants to be a wife and wants a husband and other things that require no accomplishment of her own to achieve. She's lonely and misses getting boned on the reg (and also love, which is how she puts it).
We watch her meeting Brad Womack, and reflect again on the sad subtext of Emily, which is that we all assume that, when someone looks the way Emily looks and is still single, then there must be something seriously wrong with Emily. Which is unfair, especially since we all know that to "douchebag" in the dictionary is a picture of Brad Womack, but there it is. We watch her tear up as Chris Harrison forces her to reveal that they're not engaged anymore, despite her high expectations.
But apparently he taught her how to love again or some ridiculous bullshit. And after all this, after a kid who is I think older than Doogie Howser in medical school, and two engagements, she is still only 26 and looks like she should be immortalized in frescoes by Italian Renaissance masters, and she hopes to meet the person with whom she will spend the rest of her life. In the meantime, she will ride a horse, which works wonders for a lot of women, I imagine.
Chris Harrison welcomes us all to the new season and tells us that few women have left us with the kind of impression that Emily Maynard did, and everybody hoped she'd actually get married, but given that The Bachelor/ette has a success rate approaching zero percent, statistically speaking, heartbreak was assured as soon as she decided to be on the show. But this is a new journey, starting in her hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina. And "all of America" -- Harrison's words, and no one else's -- is hoping she finds true love.
Now, let's meet this season's assholes! There's Kalon, who brags about the money in his pocket, and how he can wine and dine and luckily for everyone, FCC decency rules, not to mention everyday decorum, prevent him from finishing that rhyme. He is a "luxury brand consultant," which is the kind of job that makes people with real jobs hate people like Kalon, who, at 27, is old enough to know what a waste of oxygen he is. He appears to have come to some kind of realization about what an obnoxious womanizer he is, and how he has to have some sort of drastic change, but he hasn't made enough of a change that he has some sort of job other than "luxury brand consultant" yet. He plays tennis!
There's Ryan Bowers who played pro football and lives in places where churches and covered bridges stand in for values and character traits. He works with kids to help them flip over tires and be the best at whatever, and he thinks Emily's inner beauty pours out of her, which I imagine would be just as meaningful to him if she didn't look like a twelve on a scale of one to ten.
Then there is a guy from Beaverton, so I have to stop typing for fear of making the most vulgar jokes imaginable. He's a father of a five-year-old, which is the best thing that's ever happened to him, apparently. He got married, but found out his wife was seeing someone else, and now he's a single dad wookin' pa nub, and then he makes a "who's got two thumbs and..." joke, so fuck the guy from Beaverton.
There is real estate consultant Lerone from L.A. who is a family man who does pull-ups and pretends that the fact Emily has already had a kid is one of the most attractive things about her.
And here is David, a singer-songwriter from New York. To him, writing songs is like walking, and we watch him hammer on a keyboard and yelling "Emily!" and it's like that old SNL sketch where Dana Carvey sings about choppin' broccoli because he doesn't have anything else for his record label. Except comparatively speaking Dana Carvey's character is John Lennon to this guy. He uses words like "disparate" and "converge" and is filmed half in shadow because he's so artistic.
Charlie is a "recruiter" from Nashville and he tells us he comes from a perfect family, although I think that's one of those adjectives that it's not OK for you to apply yourself. He was in an accident that kinda sounds like the worst-case scenario for a second-story balcony collapse: broken ribs, fractured spine and brain injury. His recovery process made him think about the things that are really important, like huge honkin' watches and finding love with Emily. He actually says, "I may have had a head injury, but there's nothing wrong with my heart," I SWEAR TO GOD HE SAYS THOSE WORDS.
Speaking of head injuries, there is a guy named "Jef" with one F who is riding a skateboard without a helmet and he is from Salt Lake City and let's all agree that we all want to beat "Jef" up. Since this is but a recap, all I can do is commit to putting "Jef" in quotation marks for as long he appears on this show. He says people rarely take him seriously because of the way he dresses and acts, and fails to consider that they fail to take him seriously because he is a massive tool. He's the CEO of a bottled water company, and we're supposed to be impressed by his charitable giving instead of outraged by the gross unnecessariness of a bottled-water company. He says he's different from buckled-down business owners, because he wants to enjoy life, and I guess other people hope to be miserable? In which case they're probably watching this show.
You knew there had to be at least one racecar driver. His name is Arie, and he's from Scottsdale. He pretends to be worried about the fact that Emily's fiancé was a racecar driver instead of acknowledging that this is a storyline that guarantees him camera time.
We're done meeting the assholes who will be competing for Emily's time, and will now spend a hundred hours watching Emily and her daughter put on makeup, and then Chris Harrison tells us the night we've all been dreading is finally here: the night where Emily gets pimped out to twenty-five guys who are willing to confuse fleeting fame for love.
Emily steps out of a limousine, looking amazing, and says, "This is so crazy," like all of this is an accident. She says she's excited to meet the guys, and Chris "Buzzkill" Harrison makes him sit down with her and she says "I know, right?" for no good reason other than to start the Emily de-process in earnest.
Good for Emily! She's game to play along and pretend that she could meet her husband tonight. Like that ever happens! She says it's scary to put herself back out there, and she fell in love hard with Brad. And hey, did you know her first fiancé died in a plane crash? Why haven't they brought it up fifty million times already? Emily says she wants to move on from that, and I really, really, really hope that's true, but somehow I doubt this is the last we'll be hearing about it. She says she's finally at a point where the fact that her daughter is a reminder of her former fiancé is a good thing, and she also tells us that she's hugely protective of her daughter. I mean, at least as protective as you can be while still displaying her on television to evoke sympathy for her and yourself from millions of people, I suppose.
Harrison asks her what things look like for her, and she says it's a minivan full of babies. Gentlemen, you've been warned. "Let's not open with that speech for the guys," Harrison advises her.
After a commercial break, Emily is ready to meet this seasons' twenty-five assholes, but not without a brief panic attack. Finally she's ready. Harrison wishes her luck, and then says, "Let the journey begin."
Here come the limos! First up: Sean, 28, an insurance agent from Dallas, who hugs her a couple of times and moves on. David, the songwriter, is , who tells her he's glad she's the Bachelorette. Doug, a charity director/ Realtor from Seattle asks if it's OK if he's a hugger. Shut up, Doug. He has an 11-year-old son that he thinks is his ticket to bonding with Emily.
Jackson, 29, from Lockport, Ill., is a fitness model -- good god, is it too late to back out of this recapping gig? He gets down on his knees to spout some bullshit about moments that take our breath away. Then there is Joe, 27, a "field energy advisor," whatever that is, from L.A. who reacts to Emily the exact same way you assume he responds when he sees one of his frat buddies.
Then comes Arie the racecar driver, who elects not to mention his occupation when he meets her. Kyle, 29, a financial advisor from Long Beach, tells her she looks absolutely stunning. She does, too; Emily could be the best-looking Bachelorette yet, and I'm not sure it's even close. He says he's in awe, and she praises his turquoise tie. In comes, Chris, 25, a corporate sales director (as opposed to one of those amateur sales directors) from Chicago, who says he feels truly blessed to be standing there with her. He relays some family wisdom on love and mentions God again, so I guess he's the religious one. Not sure how any of this squares with the Bible, but as long as it's only men coming out of the limousine, we're probably safe. We are in North "marry your cousin, not your gay partner" Carolina, after all.
up: Aaron, a biology teacher from Long Beach who is as old as I am, meaning he is ancient by this show's standards. He kisses her hand and makes an awful joke about how he hopes to have chemistry with her. He'll be gone by the end of the night.
Alessandro is a 30-year-old grain merchant who seems surprised that she's real. Perhaps he'll confer with the village blacksmith over the best way to woo her. He's from Brazil originally, and there's some awkward Spanish speaking.
New limo! "Jef" the entrepreneur rides on the back of it with his skateboard and then tosses it into the bushes because he is officially trying too hard. Lerone is . He repeats his bullshit about how her single momness is one of the most attractive things about her. Stevie is a "Party MC" and he is carrying a little portable stereo and that's all I can handle from Stevie. Then there's Charlie the recruiter, who comes off endearingly goofy, especially after the party MC is done party-MCing.
And here comes Tony, the lumber trader from Beaverton, with a slipper on a pillow, and he identifies himself as "Prince Charming," and he asks her to try on the shoe, and she agrees because she believes in "love and fabulous" shoes, and the shoe fits, which is as good a reason on this show to get married as any I've ever heard.
Jesus, aren't we done with the guys yet? Here's someone pretending to be an old woman with a cane. That would be Randy, 30, a marketing manager from Hermosa Beach. Maybe we could get a little more affected? Is there maybe a falconer in this limo? Here comes Nate, 25, an accountant from Los Angeles. Is it me or do the ones with actual jobs just seem immediately better? Quick hug and a compliment, he's in and out, and earns a "so cute" from Emily. Here is Brent, 41, a technology salesman from Fresno. By the time Emily is 41, she plans to be a grandmother, so watch yourself, Brent.
up is John, a "data destruction specialist" from St. Louis. "All my good friends call me 'Wolf,'" he says. I think the fact that this might be true and that this is what he tells Emily is pretty much all you need to know to size this guy up.
Travis, 30, an advertising sales rep from Mississippi, is carrying a large plastic egg. He's sweaty! He says the egg is a symbol of beautiful people like Emily and her daughter, and he will look after the egg like he would look after them, and I think we're only going to have to concern ourselves with this guy for another forty-five minutes or so, although we get to watch him try to explain the egg to the douchebags who have already arrived, one of whom asks, "Are you for real?"
What? ANOTHER limo? I don't want to be here all night! Michael, 26, is a rehab counselor from Austin. He gives her a guitar pick because he has long hair and is a rocker, I suppose. Jean-Paul, 35, is a marine biologist from Seattle who asks how she's holding up. He says he's excited about this because he doesn't know very much about her, which doesn't make a ton of sense to me.
Oh hell no. We have an Alessandro and an Alejandro? The latter is a 24-year-old mushroom farmer from San Francisco. He's from, according to the show, a place called "Columbia." I wonder if it's anything like Colombia? He speaks Spanish to her that is much more advanced than hers; she's barely able to say what her name is, which anyone can do after one episode of Handy Manny.
Ryan, 31, is a pro sports trainer from Augusta who says she looks amazing. He wrote some notes down, but it's a pretense to hold up a piece of paper that says, "You are beautiful" on it.
And now a helicopter is landing, causing consternation among the men (as well as for Emily). Speculation runs rampant as to who it could be. Is it Brad? "Whoever this is, we're all gonna hate him," says one of the bachelors. Since it turns out to be Kalon, the "luxury brand consultant," that's likely true. The other men watch jealously as he strides across the grounds towards Emily and facetiously apologizes for being late. Then he strolls into the house and acts the big man as he talks about seeing them all having a little party as he flew in.
Anyway, that's it, although I'm not sure where these "twenty-five incredible men" are that Chris Harrison mentions to Emily as he reminds her about the first-impression rose. And now it's time for her to mingle with the men, who appear to be talking only about how a) how beautiful she is and b) seriously, I knew she was beautiful, but then I saw her in person, dude.
She welcomes them all to Charlotte and says "golly" and "y'all" and thanks them all for being here, telling them that it wasn't long ago that she was in the same position they're in.
Painful scenes of small talk ensue. Wait, does the 41-year-old ACTUALLY have six kids? Chris the corporate sales director has a bobblehead of himself, because of course he does. He also has one of her, which is totally sweet and not all creepy and weird or anything! Emily decides this weirdo is "super-hot" and super thoughtful, so I give up. And now everyone is making fun of Travis's ostrich egg, which he tries to tell us is better than coming in on a helicopter and being "super ritzy," although the distinctions are lost on me.
"Jef" tells her that Emily, having gone through the shit she has, deserves the best. At the very least, she deserves someone who can spell "Jeff" correctly. She tells us he made a great first impression, because he's "super-cool" and she hopes he thinks she's cool too. Too bad that by the time you're 26 and already have a kid you're not beyond hoping some douchebag who takes his grooming cues from A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon thinks you're cool.
Doug is hoping that the fact they're both parents provides some common ground. Because if there's anything parents love, it's being seen as a parent first, person second! He asks how her daughter is, and she's with a babysitter. He says his son wrote her a note, that he makes her read. The kid's name is Austin, and he's almost 12 years old, and if he's seen Emily he's probably a little more interested in starring in his own Time magazine cover with her than helping his dad score, but the note says his dad is awesome because he tucks him in every night. I think by that age I was resolutely against parental tucking. She says the note makes her want to cry, and tells us the fact that Doug is a single parent makes her think Doug knows what's gone through.
And now here comes Chris Harrison to crash the party with the first impression rose, prompting a lot of boring blah-blah from the men who are worried they haven't had enough one-on-one time to be kept on.
And now there is some griping among the men about Kalon's arsehole-ish helicopter entrance, and Kalon tells Emily, essentially, that he hopes his helicopter landing doesn't blind her to what an awesome dude he is. There's a tense standoff between him and Sean when Sean shows up to steal Emily away for some one-on-one time, leading to awkwardness when one of the other guys talks some shit about what an asshole Kalon is.
And here's Arie, wondering when the best time is to launch the storyline about Emily dealing with him being a racecar driver. I'm sure that, whatever happens, this show will treat Arie's profession with the decorum and sensitivity that it deserves. She seems a little surprised when he tells her what he does, and he asks her flat-out if she's OK with it. After some hesitation, she tells him she is, mainly because it's the only sport she knows anything about, and also "He'd be hot in a racecar." Glad to see she's got a handle on what's important.
Then she pulls Doug aside to tell him about the sweet letter from his son and how Doug made her feel very comfortable, and she wants to give him the first impression rose. This seems to meet with approval among the rest of the men (as long as "Helicopter Guy" doesn't get it), because we all know it's important for the rest of the contestants to like you, right? Kalon figures he'll get a rose anyway so he's not sweating it. Chris, however, seems a little put out that he wasn't chosen.
Hooray! The first Rose Ceremony! This is always my favorite part: shithead elimination. So who's getting roses? Before we find out, Emily has to blather on about feelings and expectations and being hopeful and, I don't know, probably some shit about love.
The roses: Chris. Ryan. Kalon (aw, goddammit). Arie. Charlie. "Jef" (double goddammit). Nate. Sean. Joe. Kyle. Aaron. I've already forgotten who some of these guys are. Alejandro. John. Alessandro. Michael. Stevie (this is the "party MC" who was talking the most shit about Kalon the Helicopter Boy). Tony. There was a Tony? Harrison comes out to tell everyone that the last rose IS THE LAST ROSE, and it goes to Travis, who almost faints in relief. Goodbye, everyone else! That means you, token non-white guy!
The rejected bachelors line up to hug Emily and wish her well. The 41-year-old says his six kids will be sad, because I suppose they want him to father a few more so they can field a full baseball team. He gets a little choked up as he contemplates the probability of his finding love at his age with six kids, which kinda bums me out.
< p>Jean-Paul, the marine biologist, is likewise disappointed to not get any more chances to rub up on Emily. He's going through a divorce, it seems. Get a convertible like you're supposed to, guy.Emily tells the survivors that she couldn't be more excited about the group that remains, and she toasts finding love in Charlotte, which makes the guys go "woo" and makes me really, really sad, a feeling that the "this season on The Bachelorette" scenes do nothing to dissipate.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Remind him why he does this again? Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.