Welcome back to The Bachelorette. We have made it, people. Tonight! Tonight! (Depending on your age and predilection those two words will either get West Side Story or Smashing Pumpkins stuck in your head. Either way, you're welcome.) Where were we? Oh right, you guys! Tonight Ashley will find her husband. Or at least the guy she will date for the six months under tabloid scrutiny until they fizzle out and J.P. becomes a Bachelor, once again beating out Ryan P. for the "honor." Oops. Did I say J.P.? I meant, Ashley will choose either J.P. OR Ben to be her reality show husband. She will choose one of them and they will either propose or pull a Bob (was it Bob? Daaaaaaaaaniel, was it Bob who pocketed the ring and said he'd give it to the girl later when they got to know each other in real life and were eating at Olive Garden like the rest of us?) Anyway, Ashley will either walk away with a husband or with a chump with a ring in his pocket and a sobbing girl on his arm.
Speaking of sobbing girls, I propose a drinking game for the evening where we all do a shot of something classy like, say, Goldschlager (what? nothing is classier than REAL GOLD FLAKES in grain alcohol) every time Ashley cries. Who's with me, America? We owe it to Ashley to be completely schnockered as she completes her magical journey down a rainbow of happiness into the arms of her betrothed and rides off on a unicorn into the pink sunset of an eternal tunnel of love.
Ashley disembarks from a dingy that she has sailed to a remote island in the Fiji archipelago. She is hiding there to escape from the zombies lush wildlife of the other island she was on. Oh hell, I have no idea why they are on a new island. Frankly, as far as I can tell, The Bachelorette crew likes to treat an archipelago like a Madhatter's Tea Party and just use up one island and move to the . I mean, why not? There are a lot of freakin' lush unspoiled islands in the world, why not use 'em like they are a Use'n'Toss member of the Glad Family of Products, right? So Ashley is on a new island, but don't worry she has brought her skintight white jeans with her, because she wouldn't want to NOT dress like a lesser Kardashian.
She reminds us that she loves Ben, but she also loves J.P. She is really struggling with this decision, because apparently choosing which man you want to spend the "rest of your life" or at least the three months or whichever comes first (hahahaha, morbid) is super hard. Possibly harder than choosing whether to minor in Jazzercise or 19th century French maritime literature. Not that choosing a life mate is ever easy, but without some solid primogenitur-style wrassling I don't know how she will ever make up her mind between Ben and J.P. Oh I know: Ben has FREE WINE FOR LIFE. Choose him! Although, J.P.'s bar mitzvah photo makes him a pretty close runner up.
Since Ames got concussed during the Thai boxing, the producers (but really the insurance companies) have made it clear that Ashley can't ask the guys to wrestle for her love, so she's doing the best thing and importing her family to help her make up her mind. It was nice of them all to accept ABC's offer of a free vacation in Fiji to come help her pick a life partner. Ashley's family is all waiting for her on the lanai. Actually, I have no idea what a "lanai" is other than that I know Blanche Devereaux of The Golden Girls likes to entertain gentlemen there. Ashley's family doesn't look very entertained, so maybe it's not a lanai? They all want to know what's going on. She tells them all about her deep burning passion for J.P. But also her deep burning love for Ben who is fun, goofy (just like her! or so she says!) Ashley can't choose between this one guy who she really likes and this other guy she likes blah blah blah love blah blah passion blah heart blah head blah blah. Ashley's sister does NOT believe that Ashley is in love, but Ashley swears she is and her dad (step dad?) totally believes that Ashley is fool enough to be in love with one of these yutzes. Daddy knows best.
Up first through the parent gauntlet is J.P. who shows up on the island's shores looking very clean cut and bearing gifts (wine, which he undoubtedly had to pay for, because he does not have a lifetime supply of free wine like someone else on this island) and expressing his deep and abiding love for Ashley. Ashley holds his hand firmly as she introduces him to the fam and he loses all my interest by spewing the gag-inducing line, "Be gentle on me!" line, which of course cracks up the family. Ashley introduces her family: Step-father, mother, brother, trouble-making sister (what? she has tattoos of course she is a troublemaker). J.P. tries to convince the family that he loves Ashley long time and that his family loved Ashley and that his family knows that he loves Ashley. As J.P. talks, Ashley is being very distracting by dabbing herself off with a towel, like under her shirt and stuff. I mean, I know it's hot but it's Fiji, don't wear long sleeves and troweled-on make up if you don't want to be hot.
J.P. passes the first round of familial inspection, but when the family heads to the al fresco dining table things get a little more awkward. I normally would blame the seating arrangement, because due to that bit of television artifice where they seat everyone on one side of the table so the camera is not just looking at backs, no one can actually talk to each other. So it is awkward and it is not conducive to good conversation, so things were bound to be uncomfortable. However when Ashley said she was funnier than J.P. he seemed to take offense and the awkwardness went up so high that Emeril appeared out of know where just to say, "That's kickin' it up a notch!" Ugh, sorry. I'm drunk on Goldschlager. Do you think my liver is gold-flecked right now? I sure hope so although I might be assaulted by 49ers later.
Anyway, Ashley's sister started it by asking if J.P. made Ashley laugh and then she sat back and watched the whole scene unfurl and it was... awkward. They were all laughing at the end, but when Ashley took a moment with her mom and her sister, Chrystie was convinced that J.P. was all wrong for Ashley. So Ashley... cried. DRINKKKKKKKK! Her mom and sister were, like, what the hell is wrong with you?! We're telling you our opinion and you're dating two guys simultaneously and we have to pick one of them. Stop crying you moron! I'm projecting a bit, but seriously Ashley, you asked them their opinion. Mom starts wavering a bit, but Chrystie holds fast. She saw how J.P. and Ashley interacted, how they were together, and she just didn't see it. Ashley is still sniveling and she tries to explain that she has been confused, but feels strongly, but is still torn. Chrystie is like, whatever, I'm pretty logical and based on what I saw you guys weren't right together. At that their mom steps in to try to mediate the conversation and sensibly points out that they can't make a reasonable assessment of a man and a relationship based on 15 minutes with a guy. Although I think if I spent 15 minutes locked in a close with Alexander Skarsgard, I could make a reasonable assessment... or at least try really really hard.
Anyway, Ashley runs crying to her brother who agrees that Chrystie is a total bitch and didn't give the guy a chance. Chrystie seems to realize that she should have actually TALKED to J.P. before trying to ruin his chances with Ashley decides to actually talk to J.P. First thing she says? Not hi or hello or lovely weather we're having, but: I told Ashley I don't think you guys are right together. J.P. -- who has probably watched enough seasons of the show to know that these family visits are usually total bullshit whitewashes with a nice pat on the back and a firm handshake -- is taken aback. Elsewhere on the island, Ashley is talking to her straight-talking stepdad who tells her to follow her heart and ignore her mean sister. Back on the hot seat, J.P. is taking a licking from Chrystie. She doesn't see it and no matter what he says to try and convince her that he and Ashley have a deep, meaningful, and surely lasting relationship, she won't buy it. In her words all she sees is a much older guy and wonders "What does he want with my much younger sister?" Which: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH. That may be the best thing ever said on this show. J.P. has gone from "taken aback" to "shocked and horrified." His mouth gawps a few times. What is the age difference between these two? I kinda thought they were the same age. Does that mean J.P. looks young for his age or that Ashley isn't the spry 49-year old I think she is?
But Chrystie's not done: She thinks Ashley is too much for J.P. She's too much! And J.P. is too old to change. He's set in his ways. He's a crotchety curmudgeon who needs a glass of warm milk and his pipe and slippers every night at 7 PM or ELSE. J.P. tries to defend himself, but Chrystie, who I LOVE, just shrugs and says, "I don't feel it." Then she adds the kicker: She thought Ashley showed more of herself when she brought freakin' BRAD WOMACK home. J.P. is stunned into silence with that one. Actually, I think all of America was stunned by that proclamation. J.P. stumbles off after that and goes to find Ashley. She swears that her family loves him, except obviously her sister, but maybe Chrystie's ragging it or something? Ashley tries to tell J.P. not to worry, but he's all, "Fuck that, I have nothing to do between now and the time I'm supposed to propose to you. I'm going to worry." Ashley tries to convince him that it's all good and she only values her sister's opinion a little bit, but he doesn't believe her. Would you? No you would not. As J.P. walks off into the sunset he swears that if this changes Ashley's feelings towards him, then he is totally not proposing to her. Um, J.P.? If Ashley changes her feelings towards you then you don't NEED to propose. Just sayin'.
Ashley walks along the beach with Jesus (there are only one set of footprints in the sand and you Vacation Bible School refugees know what I'm talking about) and with Jesus' help decides that she needs to talk to her sister before Ben arrives. Ashley grabs Chrystie for some girl talk by the pool. Chrystie reminds Ashley that she just didn't feel it with J.P. and she is a much more rational person (except when it comes to getting full-sleeve tattoos apparently) and Ashley should definitely listen to her. Ashley nods that she knows her sister is rational. Chrystie adds that the problem is that Ashley wants Chrystie to like him and she just didn't. It has nothing to do with J.P., it has to do with Ashley's behavior around J.P. That's why Ashley is upset, but it's not Chrystie's fault that she's honest.
Ashley starts crying (DRIIIIIINKKK!) and tells Chrystie she is being a bitch and is not being supportive. Chrystie points out that Ashley just wants her to agree with her, to like J.P., and smile and pat Ashley on the head and tell her to go live with J.P. Ashley cries some more and complains that Chrystie isn't being supportive. Chrystie points out that being supportive doesn't mean agreeing. Then Ashley goes to whine to the camera and Chrystie goes to whine to her mom. She smartly points out that Ashley's original gut reaction was that Bentleeeeeeee was the one and now her gut reaction is that J.P. is the one and Chrystie thinks she's wacked. Chrystie may be on to something.
Finally it is Ben's turn on the Island of Misfit Family Members. He also shows up with wine or maybe champagne? He's sweating profusely, but I think it's heat, not nerves. They step into the air conditioning to meet the family and it's all very civil: How was your first date? How was your hometown date? Ben admits that his mom is like Martha Stewart, but then lies and says his mom loved Ashley. LIES. Then Ashley gets up and starts shrieking about paaaaarty and dancing and dog voice. Ashley does her dog voice and encourages Ben to do his, and since he's trying to get her family to like him, he does it. So they humiliate themselves doing "dog voice" and the family eats it up like kibble.
Then Chrystie takes Ben out for a serious talking to. She thinks that Ashley is being herself with Ben and she has seen that and she acknowledges it. Ben looks pleased by this seeming stamp of approval. Chrystie then gets Ben to admit that he is in love with Ashley, which she approves of, but she has to know: Is he ready to propose to her? Ben says that he is ready to propose and he and Chrystie talk about it a bit. You see, Chrystie has been married and divorced and she doesn't want that for Ashley. Ben gets that, but he's in love with Ashley. As he leaves the island, he assures us that the time he sees the family he will be engaged to Ashley, which is clearly the kiss of death for poor Ben. Also the fact that his mother hated Ashley. Ashley kisses him farewell and tells us that she really cares about Ben, but she can't forget how she feels about J.P. She knows that her sister would pick Ben, but based on her behavior yesterday (you know, having an opinion that was different than Ashley's) she has no choice but to discount her thoughts on the matter. That's what you get for disagreeing! If you want to have your opinion count, then you must agree! It is the way things are especially in dictatorships and Congress and stuff.
The day Ashley and Ben are going on one last date. Ben is wearing a doofy little hat and some mismatched hypercolor shorts to mark the occasion. (I made up the hypercolor shorts because ewwwww shorts should never ever be hypercolor, especially when on a tropical island.) Ashley takes him on a helicopter ride over Fiji so they can coo over each other and head to a hot date in a mud bath. As Ben says, there is nothing sexy about mud until you get in a mud pit with a sexy lady. That is just what the Tyrannosaurus said when he dipped his toe into the tar pits. Then we get some gratuitous scenes of Ashley and Ben getting really dirty. Literally. They rub mud all over each other and make off-color jokes.
Then they have a second fantasy suite night? Is that normal? Anyway, Ben is setting the scene with desserts and a champagne bucket to the bed, which isn't nearly as classy as Goldschlager. Am I right? Ben explains that he is planning on telling Ashley that he loves her and he wants the amuse bouche and the throw pillows to be just perfect so that his mother won't be deeply disappointed in him when she watches the show. Ashley knocks on the door of his hotel room, just like a hooker (just sayin') and he invites her in. He tells her they have "romantic things" to discuss and he hopes they will be "well received," which makes me feel like he is going to propose a threesome with the diving instructor. Then after an incredibly long and awkward pause, Ashley can't stand it anymore and needles him into talking and after another five minutes of prattling Ben finally admits that he asked for her family's permission to marry her and oh yeah he's in love with her. She doesn't say anything. She just smiles at him and while normally that would be a cold diss, I think she is contractually obligated not to? Then they lay on the bed and "kiss" and talk about kissing each other for the rest of their lives and then Ben calls the diving instructor.
With the scent of Ben's man musk still on her, Ashley goes to meet J.P. for their date. She claims that her sister's opinion didn't change her feelings about J.P., but it did make her reassess their entire relationship. However, every good relationship has to be questioned. J.P. gives her a big kiss and tells her that he hates being apart from her. J.P. admits he's had a rough couple of days, so he and Ashley go to talk with some Fiji Brand bottled water. (If you get bored some day you should Google stories of reporters trying to write negative stories about Fiji Brand water and ending up in Fiji Brand jail in Fiji until they relinquish their notebooks.) And they have what seems to be a normal, nice, honest, talk about the state of their relationship. It was so refreshingly natural and seemingly sincere that I'm in a bit of shock. But then when I write down their words about how they don't need to explain their relationship to anyone, that they have an unspoken bond, that they just are meant to be with each other, I realize it's not normal or natural at all.
Then J.P. does the same drawn out "I looooooooooovvve yoooooooouuuu, Ashley, but I just haven't told you yet" thing and the show snaps back into its normal sense of artifice and stupidity. I guess the producers ask the man meat to hold off saying, "I love you" until the last day so they can edit that shit together into a long meaningful montage of love and puppies. Back in J.P.'s hotel room, Ashley gets comfortable on his bed and he presents her with a scrapbook that he made. It's a photo of them on the beach and an inscription that is so saccharine that is makes thousands of Hallmark writers turn diabetic. It starts, "This is the first chapter of the greatest love story ever told..." Oh god, DRIIIINKKK just to hold your shit together because who the... what now? It goes on, but I'm too busy gagging myself with a Smurf to listen. Ashley tells us that she gets "lost in J.P." and his message was so, so real. Then she walks out. What? J.P. wrote her that "lovely" verse and gets blue balls in return? What kind of thank you is that? J.P. carefully adjusts his pants as Ashley walks down the long hallway to her room so she can be well-rested before making the biggest decision of her life. Namely, what to do with her hair in this humidity?
The day is the Big Day. Ashley rises early to walk the beach and reenact every douche commercial ever. Hey ABC, hey Massengill, sponsorship opportunity? Ashley explains that she has made her choice and she hopes he feels the same way. As Ashley wanders the beach looking dreamy and spinning Stevie Nicks-style around on the sand, Ben is making polite small talk with Neil Lane while trying to pick out an engagement ring. I guess Neil wanted a speaking role, because he's yapping away asking Ben about "the process" and the "relationship." Ben picks a big ass diamond with a bunch of smaller diamonds all around it. It's Harry Winston with a touch of the SkyMall.
Then it is J.P.'s turn to hang out with the talkative jewelry salesman. J.P. talks about his feelings and fears about Ashley and then picks a far more tasteful ring than Ben, so hopefully Ashley will base her entire decision on the rings (alternatively, boudoir skills or size). Meanwhile, Ashley is getting ready and I guess we are supposed to believe that she does her own hair and make up because we get a shot of her putting on her 19th coat of (I assume) waterproof mascara. Then she slips into her dress, which US Weekly claims cost over $16,000 because it was hand-stitched by virgins or something, which is as close as any virgin will get to being on THIS show. Then we get a collage of Ben, J.P. and Ashley talking about feelings and love and fears some more. Maybe it's all the same clip over and over again on a loop. It could be. J.P. and Ben take off for Ashley's island in separate little seaplanes. Ashley stands on a wooden isthmus on the beach waiting for her soon-to-be ex-boyfriend to step off the plane.
As she twirls her rose, she claims she feels terrible. She tried to love this guy, but she knows she made the right choice. She is just sorry to break his heart, because she truly cares about him. The plane lands, the door opens, we see some ugly dress shoes. Eventually the camera pans up and we see... Ben. (Hey ladies, Ben is single!) Chris Harrison greets him and walks him up to see Ashley, but not before giving him a moment to talk about his dead father. Ben reminds us that he lost a family member four and a half years ago, but fear not: He's gaining a new family member tonight. Oh good lord, could Aeschylus have written a more painful tragedy than the scene unfolding before us now? I don't know. Could he?
Harrison delivers Ben to Ashley and as Ashley tears up (DRINK!) he notices something is wrong, but insists on declaring his love and his feelings publicly once again. He feels vulnerable (secret word: DRINK!) and open and he's totally proposing. He gets down on one knee and asks Ashley to marry him and "make him the happiest man on earth." She says nothing (although her eyes say, "ew".) She stares at him with tears in her eyes and it finally sinks in. Ben slowly rises to his feet and blinks a few times. She tries to explain that it's not easy for her, but he's not interested in talking about "her" right now. He walks off and Ashley chases him down (in heels!) and tries to tell him how great he is. He's not interested. He tells her not to bother sugar coating it, and he knows that he doesn't need her telling him how to feel and he's not going to be friends with her. He tells her that J.P. is a wonderful guy and he is sure they'll have a wonderful life together. Then he walks off. He's pissed. He's in shock as he walks and walks. He doesn't get it. He proposed to her! He was vulnerable! (Drink!) He didn't see this coming. He doesn't understand and he never will. He did dog voice on national television! Then he calls J.P. the "safe choice". He would never have proposed if he had any doubts. He thought he was in love, but maybe he was wrong about that too. As Ben wallows in his (completely deserved) bitterness Ashley is bawling her eyes out because she hates that she just did that to him. I think he may hate it a bit more.
Ashley fixes her make up and tells us she said goodbye to a good man and that was risky, but she is so in love with J.P. Their relationship is everything she's ever wanted in a marriage (a relationship with a guy or two or 12 on the side? Nice.) Ashley thinks J.P. might break her heart, but she had to "risk it." J.P. lands in his seaplane and is greeted by a stone-faced Chris Harrison who walks him to Ashley and wishes him luck. Ashley smiles at him and gives him a huge kiss. They admire each other's outfits and then J.P. launches into his speech about where they all started and where they are now. He remembers stepping out of the limo like it was yesterday. However, his biggest fear is falling in love with her and her not reciprocating. But he needs to take a leap of faith... and he is. He tells her that he is madly in love with her. He loves everything about her. Before he can propose or anything, Ashley blurts that she is so in love with him and loves him forever. No fair! Ben had to propose without any word from Ashley. After Ashley declares her undying love for him, J.P. gets down on one knee and asks her to marry him. And then they start playing REO Speedwagon's "I Can't Fight This Feeling" because WHY THE HELL NOT as we see a montage of J.P. and Ashley's great love affair. Then he picks her up and spins her around and she says, "I love you, baby." Then Ashley gets her $16,000 dress soaking wet in the ocean. And that folks is love, American style.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is really really drunk. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers