I don't know about you, but I am still twirling around my living room, arms open wide, singing along to REO SPEEDWAGON (the mostromantic band EVER) and wishing it was me me meeeeeeee, when Chris Harrison interrupts my revelry of marshmallow kisses and saccharine dreams. He wants us to talk about The Bachelorette. He wants to remind me (just in case the patchouli and Love incense went straight to my head and I forgot the magic I witnessed just moments ago) that Ashley picked J.P. and J.P. picked Ashley and they love each other, but moments after their betrothal, they were cruelly ripped apart and have been forced to keep their forbidden love a secret until now. The big question is: Did the relationship last the three months it took for the show to be edited into the stream of misleading malarkey that it is? Are the happy couple actually happy? Actually a couple? Actually planning a wedding? Chris Harrison takes a moment to sacrifices a cow to the love gods in the hopes that Ashley and J.P. actually get around to planning a wedding, which ABC can air and get many many products placed. Also if Ashley and J.P. actually make it to the altar or chuppah they would increase The Bachelor's matchmaking skills from 1.5/19 to 2.5/19.
But before we can see the happy couple, we have to hang out with poor sad sack Ben and force him to relive his public humiliation one more time. Won't that be fun? As Chris drags poor Ben on stage, it is clear that the ladies love Ben, even if Ashley doesn't. They scream and scream and wave and cat call and scream some more and Ben looks a little scared amidst all the hubbub. As he takes a seat on the comfy couch Chris Harrison reminds Ben that Ashley didn't pick him and he got his heartbroken that day. Ben nods mutely in agreement, but Chris wants to show him the tape anyway. So we are then treated to a full five minute clip from the show WE JUST SAW, but now we get to watch Ben watching himself talk about his love for Ashley, his dead father, and then see himself propose and get rejected and storming off. It's very awkward.
As Chris Harrison asks Ben how it feels to watch the clip that we all just saw 15 minutes ago, Ben says it is hard to watch himself make such an ass of himself. His biggest regret? Not throwing that ring in the ocean. Or Ashley for that matter. Second biggest regret? Maybe he should have been a LITTLE more skeptical about the fact that "his" girlfriend was actually dating two guys simultaneously and might not choose him. Also, maybe he could have been nicer to Ashley, but why? She (and the producers) begged him to be open, vulnerable, and honest, but didn't expect Ashley to be any of those things. It's The Bachelorette paradox and Ben got squooshed in the middle.
Harrison however thinks Ben's anger at Ashley was the most natural, genuine, honest rejection reaction they have ever had on this show ever and he wouldn't take it back for all the world. GOD I HATE IT WHEN I AGREE WITH HARRISON. It's like I need to reexamine all my life choices. Anyway, is it okay to say now that I hate Ben's hair? It looks like Howdy Doody and Josh Groban's hair had an ugly love child. Is it long? Is it short? Why is it parted in the middle? Chris reminds him that he was in love with Ashley and Ben agrees with him. Then he mentions his dead dad again and how he wants his dad to be proud of him and he thinks his dad would have been proud of him proposing marriage on a reality show. Is that a thing dads are proud of? Kinda expecting the voice of his father to come blaring out of the heavens saying, "Oh HELL NO, son."
Chris Harrison wants to know what the return flight was like for Ben. Was it fun? Did he make out with a stewardess? Did he get really blotto? Ben says it was the longest flight of his life and not just because of the fact that Fiji is in the middle of freaking nowhere. Adding insult to injury, the producers couldn't/wouldn't get the loser a direct flight and he had to make multiple stops. The audience tut tuts in sympathy because if there is one thing that unifies us as a nation it is a hatred of the airline industry. When Ben adds that he was on his way to his best friend's wedding, everyone gasps in horror. Ben agrees that going to a wedding after getting his heart crushed was hard. Chris reminds him that Ashley is here and he is going to have to talk to her. Ben nods glumly and flattens his hair some more.
Ashley comes on stage with even darker hair and a ladylike minidress. She gives Ben a big hug, which Ben grins and bears, barely. Chris asks Ben what he would like to say to Ashley and the first thing out of his mouth is, "Nice ring." The audience gasps, because, HEY BEN, YOUR BITTERNESS IS SHOWING, but Ashley just smiles and pretends this isn't happening. Ashley talks to Chris instead of Ben as she explains that the day she got engaged was also one of the hardest days of her life, because she had to say goodbye to Ben. Yeah, that guy. Ben doesn't say anything, but just stares at the ceiling as if all the answers to all the questions are stored there. Ashley says it was hard, because she cared about Ben and didn't realize that they couldn't be friends.
Ben says something angry and Chris calls Ben out on his anger, but Ben claims he's not angry. Now. Ben acknowledges that he WAS angry and Ashley says that when she watched the show she got why he was angry. It's all very touchy feely. But wait, does that mean that Ashley didn't think that he had a right to be angry at her for dumping him on national television after he proposed to her? Does she have blunt-force head trauma or some form of Asperger's that prevented her from seeing that before? I mean, getting pissed when you get dumped is pretty normal human behavior. Ashley assures Ben that it wasn't anything that he did that made her choose J.P. She just liked J.P. more. Also, Ben's mom was kinda bitchy. Then Ashley rattles off the list of characteristics that the producers told her to mention: He was open, vulnerable, and put himself out there. I'm guessing that they producers focus grouped those words and found the audience related best to those terms.
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After the commercial, the awkwardness has been dialed down to normal reality show levels now that Ben has left the stage to go pass out his phone number to whatever girl wants to rebound with him. Chris asks Ashley how it was seeing Ben again, but she said she knew he would be a gentleman and he was. Chris wants more, though, and he reminds her that Ben was angry and she was upset. Ashley nods, but she really just wants to talk about J.P., because, "Chris, he's a really good kisser." Chris isn't quite sure what to say about that, because he can't admit that he makes out with each and every contestant so instead he says he is glad to see the smile on her face and the rock on her finger. I can't believe he missed the opportunity to say "the Neil Lane " rock on her finger. Lost opportunity!
Then we get an extremely long ad for a show called "Take the Money and Run," which I will not watch.
We return from the break with the promise of seeing J.P. and Ashley together at last on stage. Yay? We just saw them together during the 8-10 PM hours. By the way, it is clear the editors cut out a lot of Ashley's real life perkiness, because on this show she is really disturbingly unsettlingly perky. Like, dial down the dosage of whatever it you're on sweetheart, because you're disrupting the neighbors. Chris introduces J.P. as Ashley's fiancé and he comes out and kisses her. Chris wants to know how hard it has been to be apart from the woman he loves. He says it has been nothing like anything he's ever been through. He's been leading a double life. He claims he is so so so in love with Ashley and she is the best thing that has ever happened to him. The audience gets some group "awwwwwwwwwwws" out and then Chris asks J.P. what it has been like not being able to defend Ashley against the vicious tabloid rumors? He says it's been super hard. Um, has anyone seen any of these vicious tabloid rumors? I've been looking but the only things I can find say Ashley cries all the damn time and is hung up on Bentleeeeeeeeee, but that's neither untrue nor a secret.
Then we get to watch their engagement. Again. Just in case we sniffed a whole bunch of White Out during the commercial and forgot everything we watched 20 minutes ago. Chris asks J.P. to "break down the game tape" and J.P. is all, "I nailed it." Ugh, save it for the man cave guys. Then Chris asks J.P. about Chrystie's slap down. J.P. doesn't get it and probably never will. Harrison gets Chrystie on stage to talk about her sister's fiancé. Chrystie backpedals faster than a bear on a bicycle. She claims she was just trying to protect her little sister and J.P. gets that. Chrystie claims Ben just seemed like a more natural fit, but before you think she's all Team Ben (she's totally Team Ben) you can tell she's been coached and apologizes profusely for her quick judgment. Now that she has seen the entire season she knows that J.P. was the one all along. She's Team J.P.! He's family and she's going to make him babysit her kids! Maybe right now!
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So what is for the happy couple? Well, Ashley is finishing school in a month and then she is moving to New York City (I * am * looking for a new dentist) and they are going to shack up. Harrison claims that everyone can see their love and how happy they are. Harrison tells the dynamic duo that the show doesn't want them to leave empty handed and J.P. interrupts him, "Um... I'm not." He points at Ashley and everyone in the audience dies a little and the married ladies all glare at their husband's for never saying nice things like that to them. Harrison smiles and then continues, "Yeah we're still sending you back to Fiji anyway." Ashley and J.P. cheer that they get to relive every moment of their journey to love, minus the extra man. Yay? Yay. * Rainbows!* God bless America.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is seriously going to make Ashley be her new dentist. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
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