Welcome back to The Bachelorette. I got an email from a friend in China who said her four-year old daughter asked if she could watch the TV show "with the girl who cries all the time." The Bachelorette is internationally famous! With toddlers! Doesn't that just make all the hours and hours of your life spent watching Ashley weep totally worth it? However you handle that internal debate, we are in the home stretch and Ashley is *this* close to finding out which of these three lucky (well... two since Ben and Constantine are the same person with different clothes) gentlemen will be her husband. Or, you know, the guy who is going to be forced to propose to a girl he's known only a few weeks and has never dated exclusively. But hey, at least the ring is free and he has an US Weekly cover in his future to make all those ex-girlfriends super jealous and mom (mostly) proud.
This week J.P., the NYC-based construction manager (I don't know what that is, but I assume when he is at work he looks like Thor/the garage owner from "Adventures in Babysitting"); Ben, the guy with the neon flashing FREE WINE sign over his head; and Constantine who is an extra in My Big Fat Greek Wedding and is also not Ben, will all woo (and whoo!) Ashley in Fiji. Ashley explains that Fiji is the "most romantic" archipelago, which is a serious slap in the face to all the other archipelagos out there who never did anything to deserve that. She is totally off the archipelago Christmas card list. Ashley thinks Fiji is the perfect place to fall in love and find her husband, hopefully with the same person. First chucklehead down memory lane is Ben, who Ashley can "definitely" see herself falling in love with. Her spark with Ben started on their "orphanage date" 'cause there ain't no date like an orphanage date, except maybe those to the zoo, obvs. Ashley can really see herself spending her life with him. He is both goofy AND serious. She also thinks he has "grown a lot," not with her, but before he met her. He told her all about it. He had these emotional walls and now he doesn't. He's seen how far he has come during their date in Phuket. She loves Ben... but she thinks Constantine is so dreamy that she has to mention how hot he is every five seconds. Her relationship is moving very slow, but it's so "meaningful" that she doesn't care. Although "slow" was the death knell for Ames, here she finds it charming. Also, did she mention that she thinks his cro-magnon charms and heavy brow are butt-clenchingly awesome? There's just something about a sagittal crest on a man that just can't be beat. Constantine's hot... but did she mention J.P.? She thought he looked like a model the first time he stepped out of the limo. Plus, when she was bereft over BENTLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, he made out with her anyway, despite the boogers and the blubbering and the weeping over another man. He's nice like that. Ashley claims she is excited about the relationship she could have with J.P. In Fiji, Ashley stares meaningfully out into the ocean searching for answers as she reminds us that this week in Fiji is so important because it's the first time she gets to spend "private alone time" with the many, many men she is dating simultaneously. She claims she has been really looking forward to this "private alone time" because she goes to an Ivy League grad school and doesn't care if people think she's kinda slutty. People look for that in a dentist, anyway.
Ashley is getting ready for her date with Ben when there is a knock on her cabin door. It's not Ben. It's sad sack Ryan P.! He's come back for more! He can't take no for an answer! He feels like her rejection of him and that whole getting sent home thing just wasn't complete enough! He went home, started obsessing over it, and then begged Chris Harrison to let him come back for seconds! He needs to really make sure it is really really over for reals. Also, free trip to Fiji. I mean, right? Ashley is shocked/horrified to see him. I mean, he's a one man Groundhog Day at this point. She covers well, but even the most dense guy has to realize that when a girl says, "Ohh heyyy, what are you doing here?" and then gives a very chaste peck on the cheek, that it's not an invitation to love. Ryan has crazy eyes and is panting to the point of almost salivating, so he doesn't notice. Ashley sits about five feet away from him on the couch and builds a protective force field of knees, arms, and pillows to ward him off. He explains that he doesn't think Ashley gave him a real chance at love. Their one-on-one date wasn't conducive to love (what with him talking about water tanks and all), and he feels like "they didn't get to see this through." All he's asking for is a full chance. If she is regretting her decision at all, he wants another shot. You can tell she is sooooo not interested, but she is too polite and flattered to laugh in his face. As she gasps, "I can't believe you're here!" (again) in high panicked tones her wide eyes dart around the room looking for the nearest exit. Ryan looks like he wants to grab her and kiss her and she looks like she wants to hide beneath the couch cushions. He has crazy eyes. Did I say that already? He does. He has CRAZY EYES. Ryan gives her the address of his hotel and begs her to come rekindle, ...er, kindle some romance. Ashley pats him on the head and waves bye bye to the crazy man. Again. Maybe this time it will stick.
Ben has finally arrived for their date, which is, of course, on a boat. Because every pre-overnight date must be on a boat, it's in the contract. Also, girls are silly like that. As Ben and Ashley settle onto their Big Pimpin' yacht, Ashley does classic girl whine: "I don't think your mom liked me!" which is our first hint that she will never ever pick Ben. I mean, why pick someone if you know their mama don't like you? Ben assures her that his mommy liked her a lot and that she was really pleased to see Ben so happy and emotionally stable. Then TUCK THE CHILDREN IN BED! Ashley straddles him and rubs sunblock all over his chest. Ashley interviews that it feels like she and Ben were "on their honeymoon." Ben claims that while they were snorkeling he could see his life with Ashley "flash before his eyes," which I think means he needs to breathe more oxygen more deeply into his lungs. As they roll around in their swimsuits, giggling and flirting, they both pretend that this is what real life, married life, is like. Let me be the first to say: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHA. I mean, marriages certainly have moments of this, but, for the most part, marriage does not involve rolling around the white sand beaches and making out of the cameras. Ben interviews that his feelings for Ashley have deepened, but he doesn't want to tell her, because he wants to keep things light and not get all emotional since he wants to make sure he gets in that Fantasy Suite and get laid. Is that too crass for talk of the Fantasy Suite? I know it's supposed to be a magical place where intimacy, but not sex happens, and that bowl of Valtrex is just there as a prop. Anyway, as the sun sets, Ashley and Ben put on real clothes. I guess I can say that, although Ben is wearing a sheer v-neck sweater with no t-shirt underneath and there's nip slipping and chest hair peeking through and yuck. Pro tip: Wear a t-shirt under your sheer sweater. Where was I? Oh right, it's been a long time since Ben felt like this -- since he was "in love" -- and I don't want to ruin it for him with my horror at his attire. He tells Ashley that today was perfect and he got a sense of "clarity." Ashley chooses the word "comfort" and Ben rushes to change his mind and says "comfort" too. Then they both grin and smile and hold hands and think about all the things they have in common. They both like yachts! And snorkeling in Fiji! They have so much in common! Is my sarcasm dripping off the page? Sorry. This is like the La Brea Tar Pits of sarcasm. You may not like it, but you can't escape either! Bwahahahaha.
Ben tells Ashley that he wants to commit and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. He just comes out and says it. He is totally getting the key to the Fantasy Suite tonight. He tells her that he is well on his way to the whole "I love you" thing. Er... isn't spending the rest of your life with someone a BIGGER commitment than saying "I love you"? I mean, hell, I say that to my coffeemaker every morning. Despite the fact that Ben just told Ashley how he feels, the editing monkies... wait. Why isn't that the plural? Is it monkeys? That's dumb. Anyway, the editing monkeys cut to Ashley saying that she hopes Ben will show her how he feels tonight... in the fantasy suite. Dirty. Cut to Ben saying he's not going to tell Ashley that he loves her tonight, because he doesn't want to ruin the mood. Then they straddle each other in the pool and then Ben carries her out of the pool and then... PG-13! PG-13! Eesh, it's not even 9 PM and the President of the United States of America is coming on soon to talk about the debt crisis. Show some respect, people.
The morning we get some traditional Fijian music and shots of mating frogs and Ashley standing in another fucking field waiting for Constantine to show up. Do you think The Bachelorette has a location scout dedicated to finding fields for Ashley to stand around in? As she waits for Constantine to arrive, she ponders her fantastic date with Ben last night and, as always after the Fantasy Suites, I wonder if she really REALLY showered, or just rolled out of bed from one date to the . Ashley isn't thinking about scalding hot water or wire brushes or Massengill or anything useful, but is, instead, thinking about the weirdly-timed arrival of Ryan P. Before she can get too deep into her thoughts, Constantine rolls up in some fugly baseball t-shirt and toddler shorts and a self-professed "Euro-mullet." Ashley tells him that they are going on a helicopter ride and he does a bro air fist pump because it was on his "bucket list." Up in the air, Ashley sighs that she has a "Greek God" (gah, now I'll never watch Clash of the Titans the same way) to her left and the blue water underneath and she is happy. They fly around admiring the scenery for awhile, which is boring to watch (I mean, The Bachelorette's cinematography is not quite National Geographic) so we cut to Ryan P. mooning around the landscape, communing with nature, and wishing that Ashley didn't think he was creeeeeeeeeeepy.
Cut back to Ashley and Constantine who have been air dropped onto a remote island, hopefully to be eaten by failed science experiments/reanimated corpses. Before that happens, they are going to jump off a waterfall, despite the fact that EVERYONE'S mother tells them not to do that. I guess it's just setting their mothers up so that maybe they will turn the TV off before Ashley sticks her key of the fantasy suite door with another guy on national television. After they manage not to get debilitating neck and/or back injuries from jumping off the waterfall, they picnic. Ashley voice overs that her relationship with Constantine has been the slowest and he is the most closed off of all the guys, but he's so hunka hunka burnin' myzithra (it's a Greek cheese!) that she don't mind. As they chew (don't worry, Ashley doesn't swallow and I mean that in a bulimic way, not in a dirty get-your-mind-out-of-the-gutter way) Ashley tells the C-man that she learned something about him during his home visit. He looks at her questioningly and she asks him how many houses he looked at before making a commitment. He mutters something like 108. Which, WTF?! Your broker must either be a cousin, hate you, or both. Ashley nods sagely as Constantine shrugs, because he wanted a Man Cave to play bronies in and it had to be perfect. Ashley chews her food 100 times in an attempt to remove all the calories as Constantine explains that houses and women aren't the same! Um... thanks for the clarification, bro. Ashley justifies Constantine's continued distance and his seeming coldness (why isn't he feeling her up right now?), on the grounds that he just needs a lot more time to make a decision. Unfortunately, they don't have that luxury right now. It makes her nervous.
Later that evening, Ashley is still hoping that her relationship with Constantine gets a kick in the ass. Constantine then does the unthinkable and mentions one of the other contestants. As he sips wine, he exclaims, "It's fruity! Ben taught me that SAT word." Ashley pauses and asks him if it's weird that he and his "friend"/ doppelganger are dating the same woman. He says no, because he's just not that into her. He then adds that he instinctually hugs and holds hands with people he loves, but he doesn't do that with Ashley. He doesn't know why. He doesn't know if it's because of a lack of chemistry with Ashley or because of the process. Then Constantine does the other unthinkable and tells Ashley that if he's not in love with her he's not going to cash in his v-card in the Fantasy Suite. Duuuuude, they are so going to revoke your Bro Card for that! Ashley looks dumbstruck. I mean, FANTASY SUITE. But, it seems pretty clear from this conversation that Constantine isn't that into Ashley. He pretends that it's due to the peculiarly plastic setting of The Bachelorette, but, that's just an excuse. Ashley, for once, isn't crying. Instead she just wants to know where it leaves them now. Um, duh, Fiji. Ashley is shockingly brave as Constantine says that this is the end of the road for him. She appreciates his pre-Fantasy Suite honesty, because he totally could have brazenly spent the night in the Fantasy Suite and then given her the talk the day. After Constantine leaves, Ashley stares at the ocean and self-doubts for awhile, but doesn't cry. Did she buy a backbone in Duty Free? She walks to her own room, orders a bowl of whipped cream, and watches 12 hours of Sex and the City and tries to identify with Samantha when she is really a Charlotte.
Obviously, the only reasonable step is to go see Ryan and lead him on a little. She knocks on his door and Ryan's heart pops out of his chest. He thinks she is there to give him a second chance, but she's really just there to make herself feel better. Ashley is spouting the word "clarity" like she just learned it on her page-a-day calendar, but Ryan is not listening. He is just thinking, "OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD SHE'S HERE!" So when Ashley tells him that saying goodbye to him was hard, he latches onto it and starts hyperventilating. Then she finishes by adding, "but it was totally the right decision." And Ryan P. goes to cry in the bushes some more. Or, he would if there were bushes. Stupid bushless Fiji. As Ryan takes some deep cleansing breathes, Ashley explains that she's really happy. She's found what she is looking for, with two guys! Ryan tears up some and sets himself up to be the contestant on The Bachelor as he explains that his life is great, but he's just missing someone to share it with. He shakes his head sadly as he says again, "I just need someone to share it with." As he watches Ashley walk away (again) he mutters, "It's going to happen," over and over again like a mantra or a vision board in the making.
The day, Ashley is so excited to meet J.P. in her field of dreams. She's wearing hoochie cut off shorts and a shirt that looks just like the rug in my cousin's kitchen. I didn't know Bed Bath & Beyond had branched out into clothing. She gives J.P. a giant hug and kiss and waits for the sea plane to land. As they fly, she does an admirable job pretending that she's never flown over Fiji before. She claims that they are enjoying the view without needing to talk, but that's only true because it's hard to talk with someone's tongue down your throat. J.P. talks about building memories with Ashley and how what they have is so "special" and that he sees the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with Ashley. Then they roll around in the sand, straddle each other in the water, make out, and make me almost yearn for John Boehner's teary-eyed orange face to once again interrupt my television viewing. J.P. claims this was the best day ever and the only thing that could make it better is if Ashley broke up with all the other men right then and there. Later, J.P. assures us that he is falling in love with Ashley, but he won't tell her, yet, because he doesn't want to look like an asshole when she picks Ben.
Then, during some pre-dinner cuddling, Ashley intentionally misleads him by very carefully saying (guessing a producer helped her choose her words) that she said goodbye to two guys that week. To his credit, J.P. looks like he won the lottery when she says that. She then explains that Constantine left of his own volition, but the second guy she said goodbye to wasn't Ben, but a recently returned Ryan P. who is probably still crying in a bush somewhere. J.P. claims he's kind of glad to hear it. She begs him not to get hung up on her other relationships. He swears he's not. She doesn't want him to hold back. He promises he's not holding back, but is just waiting for things to be right. She then asks him to not view this as a competition, and he swears that he doesn't want to win just to beat Ben, but because he wants her. Obviously she has no choice but to give him the card to the Fantasy Suite after that doozy. As they go to make out in their flower-filled candlelit room, Ashley tries to turn out all the lights and then goes "to change." The expectation is that she'll come back in lingerie, but instead returns in a swimsuit coverup? I guess J.P. is into that sort of thing, because he jumps on her. This despite the fact that he just told us that he won't tell us he's in love with her yet. He just wants to save that for some more private occasion. He doesn't mind laying on top of a girl on a bed on national television, though. He's cool with that.
Although Ashley no longer has to choose who is moving forward, Chris Harrison makes an effort to justify his airfare to Fiji as well as his continued existence on a show that needs no host (seriously, think about it) by showing up and chatting to Ashley. They talk dates -- Ben: Fun; Constantine: No romance; Ryan: Good guy, goodbye; J.P.: Sex on a beach. Even Chris is wondering why they are having a Rose Ceremony when there are only two guys left, but Ashley is convinced that this is the most important Rose Ceremony ever, just for her self-esteem issues. She talked to her therapist and she wants the remaining two Bachelors to accept her rose. To let themselves be picked. For some reason this isn't enough for Chris, who yammers on some more and then leaves Ashley to stare at some headshots for no apparent reason. Ashley talks about her strong feelings for Ben and J.P. and sadly cuts the eyes out of Constantine's picture. She knows that she will be engaged week and she needs to know that her two suitors are on the same page as her. This is dumb. I mean, REALLY DUMB. Like just blatant time-wasting, brain-cell killing, dragged out dumb. This does not stop Chris Harrison from bringing out J.P. and Ben and pointing out that Constantine is gone. He then leaves it up to Ashley to explain why Constantine isn't there. Not because he wasn't into her, but because he ate some bad moussaka and had to go home. J.P. already knows the truth, but Ben is looking a little confused. Then Ashley tells them that Constantine didn't feel strongly enough to move forward, so now she wants them to tell her how much they love her, boost her self-esteem in verse or song, write her a story, draw her a picture, and maybe shower her with diamonds and flowers just to prove that they still want to be in this competition for her love and to be her husband.
With some tinkling piano music in the background and some really really long interludes between each word, Ashley asks first Ben and then J.P. if they will accept her roses. This is painfully stupid. It's sooooo rubbing it in that we are wasting our lives by watching this trash. I mean, don't insult us, show. After both men accept her rose, Ashley's self-esteem reaches an acceptable level and they all toast. Ashley explains that week they will be meeting her family. Ben looks like he might want to give back the rose.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates wonders if Constantine will let her play bro-nies with her. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers