Welcome back to The Bachelorette. In advance of tomorrow's grand finale, tonight we have a special treat: We get to watch ABC waste two hours of prime time real estate letting a gaggle of slack-jawed troglodytes and Bentleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee talk about their feelings about this season of The Bachelorette. Yes, while decent folk are off watching vamp-were-whoring on True Blood and/or the start of Shark Week with Andy Samberg (nerd squeee!) I am watching the fucking Phantom of the Mansion play nice with the drunk guy and boring Blake the dentist. AGAIN. The things I do for you. Also for money, but mostly for you. I heart you.
To build up excitement over this waste of make up and SAG cards, Chris Harrison introduces the show as a precursor to the thrilling proposal sure to take place tomorrow. Of course, they tease tomorrow's grand finale and Ashley's Big Day with a shot of Ashley crying on a pier, so, yeah, be sure to tune in because you're your last chance to see Ashley cry! Then Harrison gabbles on about how "emotional" this season is. (Read: Ashley cries. A lot!) Then he pretends that this has been the most controversial season ever, which is pretty much just a gross exaggeration. Is it controversial because they cast an asshole? I'm pretty sure they've cast those before * cough * Jake * cough * Brad * cough *
Even though Chris is pushing the idea of a Bachelorette cast -off free-for-all about Bentleeeeeee, before we can even get to that putative "excitement," Chris and Ashley have to sit down and chat about all the other high points of the season: The Mask! The Drunk! William the Idiot! Mickey in a harness! We are supposed to care about this trip down memory lane and laugh and nudge each other and say, "Remember when?" All this even though we JUST lived through this... and I for one have no interest in feeling nostalgic over something that happened three weeks ago. Nor do I have any interest in feeling sentimental about the damn Bachelorette. Sorry, I have more important things to do like... drunk dial my mom and Facebook stalk Alexander Skarsgard (don't you think he could learn to love me?) Chris and Ashley are still remember-when-ing when Bentley is mentioned. Of course we can't escape a recap of the show without mention of the B-word. Yup, Chris wants Ashley to justify how she could fall so head over heels in love with a guy who was a total dick with a trampoline arena agenda. When Chris reminds Ashley of how worked up the public and the tabloids got about the Bentleeeeeeeeeee thing, her eyes get so wide like she is hearing this all for the first time. She is shocked to hear that people CARE! About her even!
Then Chris asks for some of the HI-larious highlights of the season including such wacky hijinks as: J.P. breaking the entertainment console (high comedic art, to be sure); Ames ballroom dancing with a member of America's Best Dance Crew (what a hoot!); a dog PEEING on her and Constantine's love lantern (which is actually pretty funny, but was ruined by Ashley's insistence on saying, "It PISSED me off! Get it? Get it?"); Ashley and Ames giving Andrew Zimmern a job for life after two seconds looking at a plate of "Bizarre Foods; Ben and Ashley trying to eat rice; and Ryan trying to play doctor when Ashley gets a toe-cramp. Real hoot-n-holler stuff, right?
But wait, there's more! Chris Harrison wants America to know that the staff and crew of The Bachelorette listen when their audience notices slightly off-color fruit arrangements and bedside decor. Whatever could I mean? Apparently people wrote in because this one time the banana in Ashley's hotel room was perilously close to two oranges and it * almost * looked (to the dirty-minded among us) like what a man's bathing suit is covering. I can't say it aloud for fear of blushing. Anyway, I guess in this economy with the high unemployment rates and a lot of bored people sitting around, some eagle-eyed American viewers with absolutely nothing else to do, wrote in to ABC about the proximity of that banana to those oranges and Chris thought it was funny enough to address on national television. Ashley claims she didn't notice it, what with all the Emotions she was feeling at the moment. Then Chris Harrison blamed an anonymous crew member for the salacious fruit organizing and assures us that the whole crew was sacked for the fruit basket.
Then Chris cuts to the scene where Ashley was crawling into bed to bury her sorrows in 900 thread count sheets. We all watch the scene and ...see nothing. Chris tells Ashley that there was something on her nightstand that got the gutter-minded gossips' tongues awaggin'. What was it? A jar of Vaseline on the nightstand. First: Ewwwwwww. Second: Get over it, America! Some people use Vaseline for its intended moisturizing purpose not for weird fetish play. I am pretty sure the good people of the Vaseline Corporation agree with me on this. Ashley gasps that she uses it on her lips at night, but she will change to Chapstick if that will make America happy. Harrison is pretty sure that will be for the best. Do it for America, Ashley!
When we return from the commercial break, Chris Harrison gives us a special sneak peek into the magically delicious and herpetic world of Bachelor Pad. Jake! Vienna! Rated R! Michelle Money! Pia! Blake! Lockjaw Casey! Ames! What?! Why god why? Oh Ames, did you really need to tongue kiss, money grub, and backstab idiots on television, again? After I see Ames in the same room as Vienna and Rated R, I black out for awhile and the only thing I can remember is when Lockjaw Casey promises that if Bachelor Jake shows up he will punch him in the face while saying, "That's for America! That's for my girlfriend! " So if watching queasy-making people get STDs in hot tubs for money is your thing, feel free to tune in. I, for one, would rather clean the bathroom of Grand Central station with my tongue than spend one more minute with any of those chromosome-lacking syphilitic famewhores. Except you, Ames. Call me!
You know a show is really REALLY bad, when you groan as the nice Home Depot commercial ends and Chris Harrison's well-coiffed head appears on screen. Despite my protests, Chris introduces the Bachelorette's detritus. The cast-offs, the chaffe, the men not good enough for a weeping woman with no spine and the self esteem of a lesser oceanic lifeform. While you are watching Alcide and Eric and Bill battle it out over Sookie, I am watching men not considered worthy of Ashley, try to extend their 15 minutes of fame for another one hour and twenty. God help me, there is not enough alcohol in the world to get me through this, but that does not mean I will not test that hypothesis.
So who are the gathered chuckleheads crowding the stage? It's Nick (mullet, mangina), Mickey (moralist), West (wifekiller), Chris (eh?), Lucas (Baptist?), Tim (the drunk guy), Jeff (Masked moron), Stephen (gay), Ryan M. (nope), Matt (I have never seen that man before), Blake (the other dentist), William (mean boy), Ames (Harvard heartthrob), Constantine (strip mall pizza maker), Ben C. (young Matlock), and Ryan P. (water heaters). Chris asks the "fellers" to tell him about the first night they met Ashley: Ryan P. reminds us all to recycle. Ames says he was frozen with nerves when he first met Ashley and gets a lot of sympathy cheers from the Harvard 'hores in the audience who are all looking to marry up. William tries to get an agent by making a funny about being nervous and drinking too much. Tim, the drunk guy, makes a sheepish "'Sup" to Harrison. Chris takes the opportunity to ask him if he's drunk now and if his mom is proud of him or super proud of him? Tim laughs that he doesn't remember anything from the night. Hahahaha alcoholism is hilarious. That's why everyone wants to go to frat parties. Duh. Then we get a montage of Tim's character arc from friendly guy to drunk to belligerent to passed out on the patio.
He smiles and nods as we move along to Ryan P.'s overeagerness and how much everyone hates him. As he drifts to his happy place, Ryan P. smiles and nods and thinks about how much he loves his new compostable toilet. When Lucas calls him a "goober," he asks if it's an organic and fair-trade goober, and if so, he's okay with it. Then we get a montage of William's bipolar disorder (He's happy! He's sad! He's evil! He's sad.) Everyone really wants to talk about William's behavior toward Young Matlock on their double date. Basically, he violated the Bro Code by telling Ashley that Young Matlock had mentioned online dating while pursuing her. William pretends/deludes himself into believing that he was protecting Ashley. The verdict? Not cool dude. Then everyone jumps on Ryan P. some more, so he returns to his happy place while everyone reminds him that they thought he was annoying. Nick (the trainer with the mullet) sorta kinda comes to his defense, but really, who cares? If you do, email me and I'll give you the play-by-play all SportsCenter style. Last on Harrison's agenda is a close analysis of Jeff and the Mask. Verdict? Creepy loser. Jeff doesn't really bother disagreeing.
When we return from some more quality time in Adlandia (Land of Dairy Queen, come to meeeeee), William gets put in the Hot Seat. Via a carefully crafted montage, we get to fully explore Williams' failures as a contestant/man/human. He and Ashley had an instant connection that quickly fizzled after William decided that a roast was a great moment to pinpoint Ashley's greatest fears and mock them. As we re-watch his greatest misses and his downward spiral from frontrunner to disgraced loser, William tears up and won't watch the screen. When Ashley bids him farewell and he leaves in the limo, he talks about curling up in bed and dying. Super uplifting stuff, right? Well, you're the numnuts not watching Shark Week. The audience is silent as William's suicidal tendencies echo through the air. No one says anything for a long time until Chris gently prods him to start talking.
He explains that he can't watch the show, he's only seen the first episode. He's pathetic and sad and hard to look at. Nick tries to get him to examine his behavior by asking, "Why are we all here?" And William stone-faced replies, "Because we can't find girls to date?" Which is probably the funniest thing ever said on this show, although I think it was an accident. Harrison busts up laughing. He struggles to regain his composure and asks William what he wants to say to Ashley when she comes out later. He mumbles something about being sorry for saying she was sloppy seconds and a horse-faced boobless wonder and hoping she's happy. Harrison asks William if he's learned a life lesson, because THAT is what this show is all about: Life lessons. What you thought it was STD awareness? Amateur.
in the Hot Seat is: Ryan P. Harrison reminds us that Ryan P. was also a frontrunner for Ashley's affections, but his love of tankless water heaters got in the way of their future. So she dumped him, assured him that she didn't want to meet his family, and he cried in some bushes while Ashley got on with her life... and then he stalked her to Fiji where she rejected him some more. Harrison points out that Ryan P. was really emotional considering he only had half a date with Ashley. Ryan claims he felt very deeply for this girl who he spent the sum total of several hours with over the course of a week or two. It's the equivalent of deciding you're in love with someone on the same bus route, a phone sex operator, or someone you chat with in the waiting room at the DMV. Blake, for one, doesn't buy it. He spent roughly the same amount of time with Ashley and didn't go cry in a bush when she booted him. Ryan explains that he bought several books of questions to prepare for his time on The Bachelorette. With the assistance of that super riveting sounding reading material, he was able to fully maximize his limited time with Ashley. Based on her responses to his lightning-round questions, he was able to fully discern their compatibility and initiate the love sequence in his hard drive. Hence when she deviated from the set course and asked him to hard exit the show, his system overloaded ...and he cried in a shrubbery. No one is impressed with his collection of books of questions, although Harrison looks like he might start laughing again. I think we're starting to get a hint of why no one liked Ryan P. You don't make close long lasting friendships with a Commodore 64.
in the Hot Seat is Ames. The ladies squeal because girls are silly like that. As the ladies continuing squee-ing, Ames gives them a super awkward thumbs up, which is so awkward that it's endearing. He is, of course, charmingly taken aback by the attention. His highlight reel is filled with Ashley giving him mad props for spontaneity and his white white teeth and his brain and then him getting bashed in said brain all for love and him wooing her at his family manor and ultimately his dismissal from the path to love. His limo ride is the picture of classiness: He loved her, he thought they would be together forever, but she didn't loved him. Awww Ames. He tells Harrison that he is grateful to have known Ashley and hopes she is very happy. A lady (maybe me) throws her panties on stage. Chris then reminds him that he is terrible at boxing and then presents him with his very own pink boxing gloves. Ames shyly takes them and thanks Harrison politely for the present. Expect an engraved thank you card tomorrow, Chris!
You guys, we need to talk about Bentleeeeeeeeeeee. But first! A montage starting with his desire for the Bachelorette to be Emily, the disappointed look on his face when he saw it was not Emily, and his statement that although he's not attracted to Ashley, he IS competitive. Charmante, right? The trip down memory lane follows his seedy attempts to get Ashley to love him so he can win... fame? I don't know, what do you win when you have to propose to a woman you don't love? Then we get a stream of clips of Bentley bad-mouthing Ashley, the other bachelors, the producers, everyone and clapping himself on his back for his mad asshole skillz. Seriously, it's a good thing he owns his own business, because the skills section on his resume probably reads: Being a dick, being an asshole, being a jerk, mocking people, ultra competitiveness, alienating people, being a public chump.
As we all wait for Bentley to come on stage, Chris delivers the kicker: Bentley didn't come! No matter what the producers did, begged, or offered, he wouldn't come. Hahahahahahahhahahahahah. We got played AGAIN! Since Bentley isn't here to defend himself or brag or whatever, Chris opens up the field to whoever wants to take a shot at him. Everyone does. The men try to score points with potential future dates by chivalrously defending Ashley and calling out Bentley for his wretched behavior.
Then Harrison pulls Michelle Money on stage because she was the one who told Ashley about Bentley's past and his plan. Michelle reminds us that Bentley's ex-wife told her that Bentley was going on the show to promote his business and didn't like Ashley at all and was only going to stay on the show for a week. Everything went according to plan, although I guess it's hard to work a trampoline arena into the conversation, so he didn't get to promote his business that much. Then Michelle and Chris play pop psychologists and... seriously, if Michelle Money is giving you psych advice you are in serious serious trouble and you should probably just put a bag on your head and call yourself a muffin and ask someone to butter you because you are TOASTED. Anyway, Michelle was thinking that if she didn't give Ashley that information then maybe Ashley would never have been attracted to bad boy Bentley? Chris nods and then the camera cuts to the audience where various women all nod at each other, as Michelle talks about wanting what we can't have. Preach it, crazy lady!
It is finally Ashley's turn on the Hot Seat. She comes out in a new darker hair color and a dress that could only have been purchased at either a Kardashian store or in one of those mall stores my mother told me were for "ladies of the night" and I wasn't allowed to go in until I was 21 and/or married. It's really tight with a lot of cut outs and only one sleeve. It's the kind of dress you wear when you want to make 22 ex-boyfriends/Bachelors jealous. Well, whatever it takes to help her improve her self-esteem, I guess. Despite her proclamations of happiness, within two seconds of being on the couch, Ashley is tearing up. It really hurt her feelings being called an "ugly duckling." (Phew, I called her a spineless floor mop, but never an "ugly duckling," so I don't have to worry that I hurt her feelings.) Blake tries to drum up interest for his spin on Bachelor Pad by complaining that Bentley robbed him of valuable attention. Ashley shrugs, because, duh, he has the personality of a lunch bag. She was going to get rid of him whether Bentley was there or not. Then Ryan P. thanks her for letting him bask in her existence. Finally, Tim, the drunk guy, introduces himself, because they really never met before.
To kill more time which should have been killed by Bentley bad-mouthing or * cough * Brothers & Sisters * cough * Harrison brings out Bachelorette Ali, Bachelor Jason, and Bachelorette DeAnna to emote and commiserate with Ashley. Seeing all three Bachelorettes on the stage, I'm starting to think that the major requirement to being a Bachelorette is having super shiny hair. The Bachelorettes all think Ashley had a really "tough" season, but they applaud her handling of the various situations that arose. It almost feels like they brought them on here to make Ashley seem less pathetic. I mean, if Ali commiserates with her then we all can, right? If DeAnna says it was tough then it was, right? All that crying was just to increase the drama quotient! Whatever, show. Ashley was a weeping fool who should have taken several rounds of Paxil before being allowed back on television.
Moving on! we get the blooper reel filled with hilarious moments of tomfoolery, head bumps, nudity, bugs, burps, frogs, masks, dance moves, mockery, and Chris Harrison doing up his fly. So so funny. Not really. Holy hell is this thing done yet? No. Harrison asks Ashley to tell us again that she is happy. She assures us that she has sought help and the medication has kicked in. Also, love.
As we round the final curve of this incredibly long waste of air space, we get to see J.P. and Ben's journey to love. Ashley says she doesn't need 20 dates to know how she feels about J.P. Her relationship with him is everything she's ever wanted in a marriage. They have a passion for each other, but they are so committed and a great connection. He's the total package for her. Then J.P. takes over the voice over duties and talks about how he sees a great woman, a great wife, a great mother. He just knows that it's right. He can't picture a life without her. He's confident with the direction things are heading. He's ready for them to be engaged and to get on with their lives. But wait, there's Ben! With Ben, Ashley feels like she has everything: all the love, everything. She feels like he is her boyfriend, her lover, her friend. Like he's been her boyfriend forever. Ben reminds us that he's been pretty guarded since his dad died, but Ashley is a girl he really genuinely cares about. There are no emotional barriers anymore because of Ashley. For her part, Ashley thinks if she and Ben ended up together they could really last. She could really see herself with Ben and could really be falling in love with him. But who will she choose? You will just have to tune in tomorrow to find out. Or you know go on about your life.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates has better things to do with her life. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers