Welcome back to The Bachelorette. Oh my god, you guys! We made it all the way to hometown dates! Isn't that crazy? I mean we're almost at the end of this journey to love. We have slid three-quarters of the way down the rainbow of happiness (which I assume tastes like Lucky Charms) and Ashley's lucky lucky husband is waiting for her at the bottom. I hope he has a lot of Kleenex-brand tissues, because whether Ashley is happy or sad, I bet she is crying at that final rose ceremony!
This week starts out with Ashley pretending she already "misses" Ryan P. and really wasn't sure if she made the right decision to send the guy home before he could convince her to switch to a compostable toilet (real thing! ask a hippy!) and maybe collect her tears for a water-deficient nation. Also, if you ever wonder who lives in all those "luxury condo" developments that pop up in every cul-de-sac of every gentrifying neighborhood from sea to shining sea with their stainless steel appliances and built in breakfast bars, it's Ashley and her ilk. That's who lives in them. We know this because as Ashley is musing about Ryan P., she wanders into her luxury condo and starts not recycling her junk mail and musing on the Very Serious Importance of the hometown visits. Now she's meeting actual family members who may never have wanted to be on a reality show ever. I always feel really bad for the family members who get roped into appearing on this show. I mean, you go to all the trouble of birthing a kid and how do they repay you? By making you be on reality television as they pretend to be madly in love with a girl they will probably publicly dump in six months.
Anyway. Ashley reminds us who is still in the running and why. First up: Ben. Ashley likes him because he is "real" unlike her last three boyfriends "Brad Womack," "Space Ghost" and "James Franco in 127 Hours." Thus she thinks she and Ben have a "real" connection, which is why she let him spend the night on their second date. All that really realness just got to her, you know? So real. So so real. up is Constantine who is most likely also real, although Ashley doesn't bother listing it as his number one characteristic. However, she has run him through a series of vigorous physical fitness tests in order to determine that he meets all her physical needs. In short, she thinks she's hot. I however think his eyes are too close together and that he dresses like a toddler. She says "sexy" and "sweet" a few more times and then indicates that they could "really have something."
up is Ames of the WASPy name and the many many Ivy League degrees. Ashley claims he is one of the most unique people she has ever met, which is true because how often do you meet men with advanced degrees from several Ivy League universities who think it is a smart idea to go on The Bachelorette? Also, I don't think Ames is the one for Ashley, but I think she is just dazzled by the though of marrying a man with 14 degrees and a blue blood pedigree. She wants a life of spontaneity and adventure and she thinks Ames is the guy to do that with her. As in, he can afford to give it to her. Finally, Ashley turns to J.P. and she describes him with words like "safe" and "secure" and it seems to me that an insecure floor mop like Ashley would want to feel "safe" and "secure" in her relationships. So I'm still picking J.P. as frontrunner. The editors remind us that J.P. is developing strong feelings for Ashley and almost punched a wall in exasperation over the fact that Ashley had to date all these other guys while she was also dating him. Can someone please fax J.P. the rules of this show and then maybe a follow-up telegram reminding him what this show is and what he signed up for? Thanks. Ashley packs her bags, takes off her summer scarf, dons a spaghetti strap tank top, flowery skirt, and stilettos, and hails a cab. She is ready to meet her boyfriends' families. Yes, in that outfit.
First on the triptik is a pitstop in Constantine's hometown of Cumming, GA. Excuse me for a second as my inner 12-year old boy takes over: Heh. Cumming. Now back to your regularly scheduled recap. Ashley runs across a field all slow motion douche commercial style as Constantine awaits with open arms. He voiceovers that he is developing "feelings" for Ashley and that their date in Taiwan ended perfectly. He's been around the world and only now is he really ready to open himself up to the possibility of falling in love. He and Ashley are both "here for a reason" and is there any doubt that those are the "right reasons"? Ashley then gets her big shot at voicing her thoughts and once again falls back on: Constantine is so physically attractive she just wants to die every time she sees him because she is a tiny little girly girl and he is verging on cro-magnon and dresses like Richard Simmons. She can't wait to meet the family!
Constantine rattles off the very Greek names of his family members and then takes her to the family's restaurant, which is... Italian. Constantine explains that no one really likes Greek food and everyone likes Italian, so as savvy business people, they serve Italian and then slip in a moussaka and a spanokopita here or there. The restaurant, Giorgio's, is exactly as you imagine it: Plants dotting the entrance: blond waitresses in black polyester slacks, vests with bow ties; low-hanging glass lamp fixtures; a kitchen filled with Latin American workers. Everyone comes up to hug Constantine, as if that's a normal thing to do to the boss' son, and then all gather around to say hi to Ashley. She accepts this as politeness, when it is really just starfucking at its basest. I mean, really? A low-rated bachelorette? Aim higher, people. Then Constantine gives Ashley a tour of the kitchen and they make a pizza, which is, sadly, not a euphemism for anything. Constantine steps back as Ashley "organizes" the pepperoni on the pizza and then the tomatoes on the salad. He laughs like she's being cute when it is truly a fascinating if brief glimpse into the world of a person living with OCD lite. This is why she's a dentist. And a Jazzercise instructor. It's all cute, Constantine, until she's shrieking at you for not organizing your sock drawer according to size of sock and demanding you sort the laundry by shade. Constantine and Ashley head outside to (not) eat their dishes and talk about their life goals and their relationship. Ashley looks bored, but I could be projecting. Constantine keeps referring to the restaurant as "his" but it's pretty clear it is his entire extended family's business and he's just in position to inherit and maybe make some interior decorating changes after the patriarch passes. Inside the restaurant, the whole staff is not even pretending to work and is instead spying on Ashley and Constantine as they talk. When they eventually, awkwardly, kiss everyone oooooooooohs like it's a middle school dance and not a seemingly mediocre fake Italian restaurant in a strip mall in Cumming, Georgia.
Ashley then gets to visit Constantine's family home, which comes complete with a miniature poodle, good china, doilies, and a mother, father, and sister. Obviously they eat in the formal dining room. Luckily they drink wine, because OH MY GOD CAN YOU IMAGINE IF THEY DIDN'T DRINK?! No you cannot unless you are writing the script for Saw X or something. Only Jigsaw could come up with something so vile and evil as to having to hang out with fake potential in-laws of a guy you don't like that much and not be able to drink. * shudder * Ashley's potential mother-in-law asks for a little alone time with Ashley. Ashley grabs her wine and goes. First question: Will Ashley be happy relocating to Cumming, Georgia and never ever mocking the name, not even once? Ashley bunts admirably and says she could be happy anywhere so long as her man is happy. Vom. Yet admirable. Meanwhile Constantine's dad takes him into the other room for a man-to-man talk about love, birds, bees, and the family business. Constantine claims he is starting to have feelings for her. No, for real. Stop laughing.
Then, just when you think the evening is wrapping up already, the doorbell rings and a tidal wave of Greek people starts bumrushing the door like Constantine has the last loukoumades on the planet. They bring more alcohol and... dance. In a circle. Obviously, Ashley picks it up really quickly what with being a dentist who minors in dance and all. The sister is suitably impressed and the mother wants to make her an honorary Greek girl right then and there. Ashley exclaims to the camera that that she could really see herself as part of this family. Then Constantine's mother claims that for Constantine to have brought Ashley home, she must really mean something to him. Um... that's not quite how this works. It's more like he was the least terrible of the men made available to her and that includes a guy who passed out drunk on the first day, a man who wore a Phantom of the Opera mask for three stinky weeks straight, and a guy who thought tankless water heaters were pillow talk. Just sayin'! Then it is time for Ashley to head off to her fake family fun time. She and Constantine cuddle and the peanut gallery all oohs and aahs and begs for more kissing. If there was actually going to be a Constantine/Ashley wedding (no way) you know that these would be the sort of people who would be chiming their knives on wineglasses for the whole goddamn evening so you couldn't even dance to "Brickhouse" without having to stop to watch the bride and groom smooch loudly.
Up ? Ames. Sadly, Ames is not from Ames, Iowa, which would have been endearingly stupid, but rather from Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. A village with an average income of $100,795. Points of interest include, Brandywine Battlefield Park, the Brandywine River Museum, the N. C. Wyeth House and Studio, and oh my god, white people everywhere. Ames and his white white teeth are waiting for Ashley to run across his lush green field, which is not a euphemism. The rolling hills of the Ames family homestead are verdant and... er, rich. Ames introduces Ashley to his sister, brother, their spouses and children, and his pink cardigan-clad mother. Do I need to mention that they are blonde? Or can you just assume that. Ames' big sister steps in to the traditional role of finding out Ashley's intentions, while his mother has the serious talk with him about who the hell is this girl and why is he dragging his respectable family onto reality television? Ames' sister and Ashley * almost * hit it off, but she doesn't believe that Ashley likes Ames as much as Ames like her. She is a smart cookie that one. She quickly surmises that Ashley likes Ames' pedigree, but isn't so sure about Ames the guy yet. Then she fills Ashley in on the fact that Ames' dad died and then his stepfather died, too, but you don't find him whining about or using it as an excuse, do you? Ashley nods understandingly, and then confesses that she expects a ring at the end of this process. The sister's eyebrows rise and rise.
Elsewhere, Ames tries to explain to his mom that he actually has some logical reasons for liking Ashley (smart, Ivy League, dance skills) but also just thinks she's hot. Ames mom can't really argue with that. She thinks she seems nice and that's enough for Ames. Then Ashley sits down with Ames' mom who reminds us that Ames and Ashley are "intelligent, serious, adults" who just happen to be on a reality television show. They will figure things out. Ashley tells his mom (which seems like a bad choice of audience) that their relationship "has been progressing slowly," as if anyone's MOM will thinks slow is bad. True enough, Ames' mom thinks that is just super. Ashley interviews that she desperately wants to feel passionately about Ames, because of his wallet and pedigree, but isn't sure yet. Then Ames and his sister have a heart-to-heart, because apparently the producers have been stumped by such a nice normal family that they have nothing planned other than a series of heartfelt conversations. As if THAT makes compelling television. After his sister advises him to hurry up and show his romantic side if he wants a rose, they lean in for a very awkward and forced hug. WASPs don't hug. FACT.
Then Ames decides to take Ashley for a spontaneous romantic picnic under a magnolia tree. He's a fast learner, eh? Once they are settled under the flowering tree, Ashley grills Ames about boarding school, because is there anything sexier than a boarding school boy? Let me answer for the straight women and gay men of America: NO. It's hot. Like way hotter than whatever the hell those guys on Jersey Shore are doing to themselves. (And get off my lawn while you're at it!) Then Ashley and Ames talk about love and romance and Ames talks about the Italian view of love and finding romance in the every day and magic in the ordinary and love being everywhere... oh man, I think I'm in love with Ames. Well, I was, but then he had to go ruin it by kissing Ashley like I'm not even standing right here! Jerk.
Whose arms will Ashley run into ? Ben! Who looks a lot like Constantine except less primordial. Also, he makes wine! Squeeeee! Ashley kisses him right then and there and then interviews about how sexy he is what with his hair and clothes and wine-making. Ben is taking her on a tour of his seriously legit winery. I mean, so much wine; so many opportunities to get really sloshed, classy style. Ben's picnic plans are thwarted by bad weather, so they set up their lunch on a porch. If anyone ever claims that The Bachelorette doesn't offer their contestants a glimpse at real life situations and sets their relationships up for failure, first tell them to shut their damn pie holes and then point to this moment and say, See? See? It rained on their picnic and they had to eat on a covered porch. That is some stone cold serious business and the couple handled it with aplomb. They are SO meant to be. Except that, of course, he's not J.P. and she keeps using words like "sexy" and "WINE" and not "safe" and "secure." Ben however claims it is a big deal that he is bringing Ashley home, especially after his dad died, but he is "opening up" and "letting go."
Then Ashley decides to grill him about his dead dad and what he was like and where they buried him and basically doing whatever she can to get him to cry. She fails, because they have nothing in common. Nothing except a love of wine. Ben claims that he is super nervous to bring Ashley home, because in the past he has only brought one girl home. Now Ashley is really feeling the pressure of this completely fabricated meeting.
Ben's home is very nice, clean, lots of flowers, well-groomed sister, and impeccable mother who slightly disapproves of Ben's unkempt hair but understands that it's what the kids are doing these days. Turns out Ben's sister was the one who signed him up for the show, but this does not stop her from being super skeptical of Ashley's intentions towards her brother. She hauls him into the kitchen for some sibling straight talk. Ben claims that he is "opening up" emotionally and that his feelings towards Ashley are "natural." The sister is not convinced, but is since she signed him up for this, she is willing to abide it. Then Ben and his mom and his dead dad talk and Ben cries. Unfortunately Ashley didn't see it, so it doesn't count. Gah, Ben's family all seems so sad and raw. I mean, no matter how much wine they drink there definitely is no loud boisterous Greek family coming over to dance and toss back ouzo shots. I'm going to go cry and listen to Fleetwood Mac or something.
Uh oh something went wonky with my DVR and it cuts from a commercial family suspiciously drinking lemonade on a lawn and then cutting to Ashley and J.P. couples skating in a roller skating rink to REO Speedwagon's "I Can't Fight This Feeling" and making out and tripping each other and then, scandal, drinking. What happened? I feel like that guy in the Talking Heads' song "Once in a Lifetime" asking, "How did I get here?" 'Cause really, how did I get here? Anyway, J.P. cracks open a bottle of wine (it's probably not Ben's, but oh the deep levels of Shakespearean Lost-ian symbolism if it was.) They park it in the middle of the roller rink and start talking about J.P.'s ex-girlfriends, because as a girl with incredibly low self-esteem there's nothing like getting all the dirt on your sweetie's exes right before you meet their family for the first time to really get your spirits up. Ashley goes for it, though, because what the heck else do they have to talk about? I mean if this was reality they would just be making out in the middle of the roller rink and J.P. would be struggling with her bra strap by now. J.P. goes on and on about the last girl he brought home and how badly that ended and how his family is super protective of him now after that last break up. Ashley has on her most understanding face and is nodding knowingly as J.P. talks about his awful ex (who is undoubtedly truly enjoying this description of her) and Ashley makes tsk tsk noises and then tut tut noises at how awfully he was treated.
Then Ashley heads to the bathroom to cry (I'm guessing) before they head to J.P.'s ancestral home: A split-level ranch in Roslyn, N.Y. to feast on lasagna and recount the tale of their love. Apparently it "got real" somewhere around Phuket. Then J.P.'s mom drags J.P. outside to remind him that as a mother, she doesn't want to see his heart broken like it was broken before. J.P. agrees that being heartbroken sucks, but he is still going to "put it all out there." Ew. He speaks to his mother with that mouth. Then she asks if he is going to propose and he claims that if he feels it, he will. Obviously mama bear has to go talk to Ashley right then and there. She sits Ashley down on the white sectional and tells her all about the tragedy of J.P.'s past heartbreaks and she sees him look at her with love in his eyes and she finds it troubling, what with all the other men Ashley is dating, not that she's a slut or anything. Ashley does her best to assure her that she likes J.P., but yeah she's dating three other men. J.P.'s mom purses her lips a bit, what can she say? Her chuckleheaded son signed up for this darn reality show and now he has set himself up to get hurt. The only option she has is revenge. So she pulls out a framed portrait from J.P.'s bar mitzvah, which is hilariously awful. Like the unholy union of Kirk Cameron, Doogie Howser, and a dead poodle. Oh man, J.P.'s mom plays dirty. J.P. just about dies when she pulls it out and Ashley covers her mouth in horror as she goes instantly blind and then turns to stone. J.P.'s mom: 1; Ashley: 0.
Back in California, Ashley meets Chris Harrison at the Man Manor. Ashley looks very happy and well-rested, so Chris decides to dampen her mood by reminding her that the last time they were in that room she was sobbing over Bentleeeeeeeeeeeeee. Ashley laughs it off and claims she has no regrets about anything. Ashley goes to face her suitors. She thanks them all for letting her meet their families. She is looking for a good man, a family man, and she knows she has four of them. However, only two are allowed to continue. The first rose goes to Ben and the second to J.P. The third is a toss up. She loved Constantine's family, but Ames has the pedigree and the real estate. So who does she choose? She picks the strip mall over the mansion and opts for Constantine. Ames looks gobsmacked as Constantine goes to collect his rose. His motherboard does not compute. Ames very politely offers Ashley his elbow as he escorts her outside. He thanks her for the opportunity and the memories and claims he is grateful for having her in his life. Then he hops in his limo and closes his eyes and looks very Error 404 page not found. He finally admits that he feels dumb, that he fell in love with someone who didn't fall in love with him. He thought it was real. See? Even the Ivy League can churn out chuckleheads. Don't worry, Ames, maybe you can find love on Bachelor Pad.
Inside Ashley tells Constantine, J.P. and Ben that they are heading to Fiji, where they will drink only Fiji brand product placed water... and maybe fall in love.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates wonders if Ames is wind up or battery operated. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers