Welcome back to The Bachelorette. I was gone a week, the show was gone a week, and now it feels like it has been an eternity since I've seen Ashley. Have her feelings for me dimmed during our time apart? And I've just started to CARE so much, you know? I've developed real feelings for her after spending a few hours on Monday nights together for six weeks. That's enough time for love to blossom, once you let down your guard and really put yourself out there. It's like that time I took a six-week kombucha making class and married the instructor over a vat of blooming mushroom on the last day. True fact!* ( * Not at all true) It was just meant to be. Anyway, I've been gone awhile and I am just going to go out on a limb and guess that Ashley spent the last two weeks in bed, crying, and moaning, "BENTLEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and then crying so much that she throws up and then beating herself up for making herself throw up over a man and not over a bag of Doritos, a dozen Krispy Kremes, and a box of Entemann's. Just guessing! That could take up two weeks, right?
As you may recall, Ashley and her six remaining beaus are touring the lesser Asian countries (you know, the ones that REALLY need American tourist dollars) and are now in Taiwan. When we join the men they are managing to fulfill their contractual obligations to ooh and aah over the sites they are seeing despite the fact that they were apparently forced to take a bus. ("Look! A street sign! It's so utilitarian. And clean.") Meanwhile, Ashley is waxing eloquently in the back of her limo about how she needs to make sure she has both a physical and emotional connection to these six men who are in the running to be her husband. I guess her thinking is that it is nice to have a physical and/or emotional connection to one's spouse. I can see why she thinks that it. I get it.
While Ashley is checking things, maybe she should check the ratio of Crazy Eyes to twinkling eyes on Lucas? And maybe see if Constantine's has a personality? As the men stare blankly out the bus windows, Ashley analyzes them all in a voiceover. She thinks Ames is smart, which I'm sure he doesn't get very often: that J.P. makes her feel "safe" (marriage material!), Ryan is fun, and that she and Lucas really connected on that one conversation date they had.
Then the men are herded off the bus and into a public square and just when you think they are going to be forced into a reenactment of Tiannamen Square or that M.I.A. video where all the redheads get offed, Chris Harrison shows up to greet the men and lour over them like only a short man in a position of fake power can really do. He reminds them that two men are going home and that the only rose given out before the Rose Ceremony is on the group date. That means that the one-on-one dates will be for getting to know each other without the pressure of a rose. So relax, have fun, and don't catch that new strain of antibiotic resistant syphilis. As Harrison walks off, cue the men making territorial statements about Ashley, because whoever gets a rose also gets to bring Ashley home to meet his family. So emotions are running high. Also running "wild" and "scared." Ben and Lucas feel really strongly about Ashley, but not as strongly as J.P. who cares "so much" and is "scared." J.P. is SO "winning" this thing.
Who gets the first one-on-one date with Ashley? Constantine! Ashley keeps claiming that Constantine is super hot, but he reminds me a Marvel villain whose name I can't remember, but he was super hairy and sort of cat like, but they always drew him with sort of a melty undefined face. So no, I don't think he's hot. Also, his hair is stupid and he has no evident personality. These deficits do not stop Ashley and Constantine from hopping on a train to a romantic village to participate in the town's yearly lantern lighting festival. Ashley points out that her relationship with Constantine is moving at a slower pace than any of her five other relationships, so she needs to speed things up, because he is "hot" and she wants there to be something between them. (FYI - despite all evidence to the contrary, Ashley is NOT a slut. This is all primetime sanctioned and FCC approved behavior, although my DirectTV parent controls give a strong tsk tsk about the entire premise of the show.)
So Ashley and Constantine hug a lot and hold hands on the train ride to wherever. When they arrive in their quaint destination, Ashley explains that to participate in the festival they have to draw a picture on the lantern of their love dream. This conjures up nothing but really dirty, bathroom stall quality images in my head, but that's probably my own issue. Constantine pulls on his art smock and gets really into his scrapbooking. He busily paints pictures of his happy big family and wedding rings and babies and cherubs and shit and Ashley thinks that is so cute. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Ryan looks anxious, because, if you haven't noticed, Ashley NEVER chooses him for one-on-one dates. However, he has made it this far into the "competition" [for love] without actually ever going on a date with the lady, which is really saying something. Maybe Ashley forgot he was there? He is convinced the date card will bear his name, but no. Ashley is going out with Ben. Again. Ryan, ever the optimist, is confident that Ashley is saving the best for last.
Back on the date, Ashley and Constantine are now dining. These two have no apparent chemistry and are quite dull to watch together, but at this point in the season, any time Ashley's not crying is a high point. Constantine asks Ashley flat out what she likes about him, which is a conversation I had a lot in middle school (with myself, no one liked me) and Ashley doesn't bother playing coy. She thinks he's hot and he's a family man. Sold! She has her hand on his upper outer thigh and he doesn't even blink. And not in that "I'm going to keep talking and not looking at her hand so I don't get a woodie" sort of way, but more in that, "Oh I didn't notice you had your hand there" sort of way. Then Ashley gets all needy and asks him if maybe he won't let himself fall in love until after the hometown dates? Is that why he won't like her? Why doesn't he like her? He just won't let himself like her? Right? Right? Sigh... Then they talk about the L Word and I actually wish they were talking about the Showtime show, but they aren't. Then they kiss and light a lantern and it floats up into space and Ashley feels JUST like Rapunzel from Tangled only with better hair.
The day, Ben meets Ashley at a national park, but they aren't just going to explore the park, they are going to moped through the park! Moped Hug! Ashley wraps her arms around Ben and reminds us that during their last date Ben showed her that he was ready for a serious relationship, but now she is dating multiple men (not in a slutty way) and needs to cement things. She needs to prove that there is both a physical and emotional relationship before she meets his family. Yeah, yeah, heard it before! You know, five minutes ago with Constantine. As Ben and Ashley zip down the gorgeous mountain roads with the river on the right and the overhanging rocks and... dammit I want to be on a reality show if it means traveling to places this beautiful while professing fake feelings and light canoodling (that's eating noodles from a can, right?).
Anyway as they ride, we get MORE voiceovers. First Ben opens up about how he is falling in love with Ashley but is not ready to tell her. However, he loves the feel of her arms around his waist. Then Ashley voiceovers all the things she loves about Ben (Free Wine). Then Ben calls her "precious cargo," and at dinner he mentions the "L Bomb," so her self esteem is just rising and rising while he talks. Ben admits that he's teetering on the brink of love, and he's ready to open up again, he is serious about her, he wants her to meet the family, he has butterflies. He just doesn't drop the L Bomb willy nilly. But he hints at it broadly. He has no emotional barriers any more. He is starting to fall in love. He wants her to meet mommy. There is no way that Ashley is NOT putting out on this date. I mean, that speech right there? That was a lobster dinner and a Cartier necklace rolled into one for a girl with the self esteem of a bivalve and the eating habits of a... jazzercise dentist. Ashley claims she is falling in love with Ben, too. Maybe. He feels like her boyfriend. Honestly. Except for the other five guys.
The morning, the five guys are given the rude awakening that Ben is not home. Yep, it's an all nighter. She owed it to him after all those sweet words, right? (NB: Ladies, you don't owe anybody any body ever.) J.P. has gone mute with rage at the injustice of "his" "girlfriend" spending all night with another guy. Ames seems much more logical and nonchalant about it, while Lucas clenches his jaw and gets even redder in the face, and Constantine wonders what's going on, but it's J.P. who is really feeling it. He curses in his interview and storms out of the hotel room, but when he, Ames, and Lucas head out on their group date he is all smiles and hugs for Ashley. Probably because when Ben got home he made it clear that nothing physical happened with Ashley and that they had separate rooms. Which is probably just chivalrous bullshit, right? Like whatever producer is tasked with following them around while they fondle each other, was like, fine, do it (yes, IT), but deny it later so we can pretend the fantasy suites matter.
Anyway. On the group date, Ashley explains that the Taiwanese have a rich tradition of wedding photos. J.P. gets all huffy again, because he doesn't want to see Ashley in a wedding dress with any other guy. The men have to dress up in funny costumes so Ashley can laugh at them and also the Taiwanese culture, but mostly just the Bachelors, because they wouldn't want to seem racist. Lucas has to wear a "dress," which is really just a traditional Taiwanese wedding suit. The yellow silk matches his hair and he kind of looks like a banana. Ames is wearing an unfortunate powder blue tuxedo with a pink ruffled shirt and a white feathery corsage, which I think is universally intended to be worn by the good-natured who don't mind being gently mocked. J.P. is wearing a black tux. Ashley comes out in an appropriately matching outfit, like it's some weird paper doll cross-cultural matching game. I think Ashley has dressed the men in order of marriageability. In that she wouldn't want to flat out mock who she actually wants to marry. So Lucas gets the worst, Ames the second, and J.P. is wearing a totally normal tux. There's something blatant going on, but I don't quite care enough to flesh it out, so use your imagination and PhDs.
J.P. whines some more about having to watch Ashley kiss two other men and how much threesomes suck. Wait, what? J.P. is at the point where he cares so much about Ashley that he doesn't even want to pretend anymore. I think what he's trying to say is, "Game over, man. Game over!" Then the men have to go out for dinner en masse and there's a rose staring at them and all the men get even grouchier. Except for Ames, because of his head injury. Lucas and Ashley takes some alone time and Lucas uses it to whine about having to wear a "dress" while J.P. got a tux. Ashley, to her credit, corrects him, "It wasn't a dress, it was a long shirt." Then she asks him about the fact that he was married before and you know THAT is the kiss of death for Lucas. He's totally going home. Then Ames uses his time with Ashley to show off his family photos, including a slightly dorky school photo. Then he charms Ashley by calling her the "full package" and saying she is charming and beautiful and you can see the thought bubble forming over her head of their perfect WASPy Ivy League babies graduating from Harvard and summering on Nantucket. But, J.P. wins it by telling Ashley everything he is feeling: He has strong feelings for her and he can't handle the competition. He is struggling. Ashley laughs that she thought he was as cool as a cucumber then she goes to fetch the rose. Ames' and Lucas' faces fall as Ashley grabs the rose and heads back into the room with J.P. She wants him to know that she understands, she's been there, she gets it, and she wants to meet his family. Kissy face happens.
Ryan is so excited to finally go on his date with Ashley. Ashley reminds us that all the men talk smack about Ryan, and how he is unlikeable and has a crazy personality, but she likes him. She gave Ryan the first impression rose way back at the Man Manor, remember? So she's willing to give him a chance. Know what the perfect first date is? A temple. It's so quaint watching other religions do other religiony things, right? Adorbs! So they make a prayer to a god they don't believe in and then they go to watch some Tai Chi practitioners. The gods must be watching over us, though, because Ashley doesn't jump and join them in another flash mob. Miracles do happen! While Ryan goes on and on about how great he and Ashley are together and how he can't wait for her to meet his family, the sound of Ryan's voice cuts out and Ashley does a voiceover explaining that the reason she hasn't gone on a date with him yet is because she is just not that into him.
Then Ryan asks her shyly what her thoughts are on the environment. You know, because he's into solar energy and the outdoors and he loves her forever and for always, but does she, like, recycle? Ashley pleads the fifth on that one, but tells a funny story where she throws plastic bottles in the trash because she's just crazy and laissez faire like that. Then she asks Ryan to teach her something about the environment right then and there. So does Ryan tell her about the sun and the stars? No, he goes straight for the water heater. Yeah, water heaters won't warm the cockles of a lady's heart. As Ryan talks about the evils of oversized and energy inefficient water heaters, Ashley's eyes glaze over and the audio of Ryan yapping away about water heaters softens and Ashley voiceovers (again!) as she ponders how it is that Ryan can look so good on paper but be so boring in person? Dark magic. As he talks about tankless water heaters, Ashley explains that she's just not feeling the passion.
So how does Ashley handle the disconnect between Ryan on paper and Ryan in real life? She cries. OBVIOUSLY. And then we get to watch Ryan's little eco-heart go break break break right there in Taipei as Ashley decides to go ahead and recycle that relationship right then and there. She claims she respects Ryan so much that she doesn't want to put him through the Rose Ceremony. He protests a little, but is smart enough to know that it is futile. So she says goodbye. Right there. Ryan hangs his head and walks down the lonely street alone. He claims she thought she was the one and that he didn't see it coming at all, not even when she didn't ask him on any dates ever. Then he goes off to cry in the bushes. I guess if you call it communing with nature it's less depressing. Ryan emerges from the bushes to remind us that he wants a wife and a family and to be a father. He wipes a tear as he swears that as god is his witness, he will find someone to share this life with. She doesn't even have to recycle! His standards are super low.
Then it is the Rose Ceremony and Ashley is wearing a prom dress/nightgown (a peignoir? I don't know?! I'm 70% dude!) while she studies the well-traveled head shots of the remaining five bachelors. Through some excellent voiceovers and interview clips, Ashley, Chris Harrison, and the bachelors all mull Ashley's decision. Whose family will she meet? There are five guys left, and only four roses to hand out. Whoever she sends home will be heartbroken. As the men file in, Chris Harrison goes to talk to Ashley. They chat for a moment about Ryan's departure. Ashley was trying to do the right thing by him. She didn't want to meet his family if she wasn't feeling a connection. She didn't want to keep him away from his office if she didn't love him. She knew it was the right decision and she has another right decision all queued up and ready to go. She don't need no stinkin' Rose Ceremony. She doesn't need to go through the motions tonight, she knows what she wants to do. Chris Harrison breaks the news to the men that there is no cocktail party or Rose Ceremony tonight, because Ashley already made up her mind. J.P. gets it and Lucas doesn't. Guess which one is going home?
Ashley finally comes in and once again utters her shiver-inducing barf-worthy tag line: I can see my husband in this group. She gives the first rose to Constantine, which is stupid, because J.P. already has his rose and she spent the night with Ben, so there's no drama. Then she calls Ben up. Ames and Lucas wish each other good luck and then Chris Harrison earns $360,000 by announcing that it is the final rose of the evening. Then Ashley gives Ames the final rose, because OMG they must be the WASPiest family in America and who wouldn't want to see that? Ashley walks Lucas out. Lucas does not cry in the bushes. Instead he gives her a big hug, calls her sweetie, and walks off. Inside, J.P. dickishly tells Ames that he wasn't expecting that result. Dick, right? Ashley claims saying goodbye to Lucas is "so hard." Crying ensues. No, really. She is crying over Lucas. Pull it together, woman! Ashley claims she had no idea there would be so much pressure. Maybe she's not cut out for this. Oh maybe?
Ooh aren't I lucky, not only do I get to witness Ashley putting out for Ben, but I also get the post-break up Emily interview. At least the producers learned some valuable lessons from the Jake/Vienna interview and don't have Brad and Emily on the same set, so we won't have jaw clenching and Angry Eyes and interrupting and horse face and storming out. Chris reminds us that during his many many many many many many many years on The Bachelor/ette he has met a lot of couples. Some have found love, gotten married and had kids. One, Chris. One couple has gotten married and had kids. One couple. Chris claims that in all his years, he has never met a couple who was so determined to make it, but just couldn't stand the pressure.
Emily is crying before she even gets out of the car, which ups even Ashley's tear quotient. Chris hugs her as she tries to pull it together. As they settle into chairs in the Man Manor, she licks the lipgloss off her veneers and talks about how hard it is to be back in the mansion. Chris makes his most comforting puppy dog face, puts on his listening ears, and asks Emily about Brad. She claims that he's such a gentleman and he's good at expressing how he feels and he is completely different from any other guy she's ever met. After that super confusing response, Chris asks for clarity on the relationship status and Emily cries as she explains that the relationship is over, the engagement is off, and they will love each other forever. She adds that she and Brad were living on the "dot dot dot" which I think is a Bentley shout out? Which: EEEEEEK. Although Bentley is probably cashing in some trampoline arena tokens and booking a flight to Charlotte right now. Chris asks Emily if she is still in love with Brad, and she claims that she will always love Brad and she will always regret what happened with him and won't let anyone talk badly about him in her presence.
It all sounds so sweet and amicable until Chris asks her what happened specifically. That's when she starts talking about red flags and being a single mother and needing to be certain that Brad would stick around and that he would want to be with her and she just wasn't. She really wanted to be a wife and have more children, but it just wasn't working out, which was her biggest nightmare. You know, the big nightmare where you get engaged on national television to a known semi-sociopath who carts a personal therapist around with him and then it falters when it comes to real life. Also, if your fiancé died in a plane crash that you were supposed to be on and then you found out you were pregnant five days later, wouldn't you be a little cautious about tossing around phrases like "biggest nightmare."
Emily claims that she always thought that as long as you love each other and producers are footing the bill and your child care needs are all taken care of and you're flying from exotic locale to exotic locale without a job or a care in the world, that things would work out. She thought love was enough to hold an entirely fabricated relationship built over three weeks of competitive dating with a passel of other women together forever. Emily doesn't know if she and Brad would have made it outside of the show, but they would have had a better shot. They are in touch frequently now. Chris knows that they are protective of each other and he sees how torn up she is. Emily says she just wants to focus on being a mom right now and not worry about someone lurking in the bushes to take pictures of her. Which, I think we can all agree, is a noble goal.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates wonders what Emily's teeth look like under her veneers. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers
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