After the preview of last week's episode, I knew my colon couldn't take the tension of the Justin vs. Kasey Cage Match and I had to take a week off. M. Giant did an admirable job filling in and I truly hope he took his Valtrex and didn't get a dose of the gift that keeps on giving as they call it in the Navy. Having finally watched the episode whilst heavily sedated and with my ear pressed to my psychiatrist's on-call party line, I realized I was sad too miss an opportunity to mock Tennessee Ty and his fake 4H ways, I missed Chris Harrison's brave words to Ali hoping that she would open up her heart to love (tears were shed!) and get a happy ending (snerk), and I missed seeing the LEAST dramatic rose ceremony ever. I mean, how could Ali get rid of that one guy who never talked, never appeared in any footage, and whose name was merely ancillary to Chris L.? Shocking, I know. Almost as shocking as Ty pretending to know that Istanbul exists and that Turkey is more than something you chuck corn cobs at in the yard. I mean, Ty, if you are going to lie about THAT what else are you lying about? But yes, Ali and her clusterchump are headed to invade the beautiful, ancient, mysterious home of the most famous name change in history. And those of us of a certain age will have They Might Be Giants stuck in our heads for the duration.
Chris Harrison greets the men in front of their Istanbul digs for no apparent reason than to remind us that Turkey is indeed a country (with a publicity budget) and Istanbul is a beautiful city that is a prime tourist destination and no one will blow you up or chuck corn cobs at you and won't you pleeeeease come spend your American dollars (or better yet, Canadian ones) here? Inside the hotel, Ali is primping and explaining that she loves all seven of the remaining men and she feels Awesome! Better than ever! Ready to find a husband! I guess they finally found the right balance of mood stabilizers and uppers for this beaming Bachelorette since she keeps repeating how great she feels. With all this happiness and good cheer, it is all too obvious that Doom is hanging like poisoned mistletoe over Ali's perky blond head. Messenger of Doom (and walking cloud of Axe Body Spray) Chris Harrison knocks on the door. Uh oh, is he looking for a Happy Ending again? Or is her childhood dog dead? Either way Ali is not pleased that he's there.
Chris Harrison sits Ali down and breaks the news that he's not serving up a sexual harassment sandwich. He asks her to call Jessie, a girl that Ali shacked up with during her attempt to claw her way into Bachelor Jake's arms. Harrison makes the international call and then the phone rings... and rings... and rings some more. Come on editing, quit wanking and cut the tape! Jessie finally gets around to answering the phone as if this second chance at stardom wasn't the second most exciting thing to ever happen to her. Ali and Jessie chitchat for a minute as if this was a totally normal phone call and 3.8% of the 18-34 age demographic wasn't watching. GET TO THE POINT, WOMAN! Jessie finally explains that JUSTIN HAS A GIRLFRIEND! Ali looks super excited, like she got some very juicy gossip about someone else entirely and then she remembers that she is supposedly on the path to love with this guy, so she gets her Very Serious Face on. She asks Jessie how she knows this and Jessie chirps that she just happens to be sitting RIGHT TO JUSTIN'S GIRLFRIEND! Wow, what luck! Jiminy Cricket, how did this magical synchronicity occur? Fairies? Ali's version of reality has impeccable timing.
Jessie who the producers must have dragged out of obscurity for this unique opportunity to rear her head again on The Bachelorette ends her second shot at 15 minutes by handing the phone over to Justin's girlfriend who is named Jessica. (I guess the producers couldn't ask her to change her name to make this less confusing, but I hope they at least asked.) Jessica appears to actually be upset by this situation. Perhaps because she is outing her boyfriend and ruining his reputation on national television? Or because her big shot at fame will be as the betrayed girlfriend of a Canadian semi-professional wrestler? Ooh, Idea: Maybe SHE can be the Bachelorette! Jessica sniffles in silence for a minute and then tells Ali that she has been dating Justin for two years and helped him apply to be a Bachelor and that he has been sneaking out to call her and still loves her and is only doing this for his career. Now, I'm not sure, but I don't think doing it for your career is the oft-mentioned "right" reason to be on the show. Jessica continues her sad, sad story: She was all for this Big Career Move, until she found out that Justin had been cheating on her with some blond slut named Ali...er, rather, with some OTHER slut in addition to Ali. Ali immediately jumps in and is shocked that Justin would do this to her (Ali). She (Ali) could have fallen in love with him! She (Ali) could have been hurt! Um, Ali? Pick your audience better. This girl was putatively ACTUALLY heartbroken by this guy and you haven't even gone on a one-on-one date with him.
Anyway, Ali hangs up with Jessica who is sobbing and turns to Chris Harrison for comfort. Ali asks if "the guys" know and have defended her honor in any way. Chris explains that he just found out and came straight to her with the news (*cough * bullshit *cough *). Ali reminds us all that her scrum of men all voted Justin Least Likely to Succeed on opening night and SHE SHOULD HAVE LISTENED. Oh please, if the producers didn't know about this well in advance, they are surely peeing their pants in glee over this imbroglio. Ali, who only plays a shrinking violet princess when the script calls for it, straps on a set of cojones and with Chris Harrison by her side, marches on down to the Men's Room to call out the wrestler. She's pissed. She can't believe that Justin would betray her after all this time they've spent together.
Outside the room, Chris gives Ali some encouraging words. She gets in touch with her inner Feminist Hulk, knocks down the door, throws a table and pins Justin, who is easy to catch what with his one good leg. She tells him that his girlfriend called her this morning and told her his entire scheme. Justin nods his head, squeaks like a chicken, and... BOLTS. NO, FOR REAL. He grabs his wallet and his passport and RUNS, well, hobbles briskly. Everyone stares after him in shock. Ali demands he talk about it "like a man", but he runs anyway. He skips down six flights of stairs and winds up trapped in a courtyard. Ali and the cameraman corner him and Justin frantically pulls at locked doors and quickly realizes that like Kevin Costner or Jean Paul Sartre there is No Way Out. But Justin is no namby pamby philosopher or permanently middle-aged movie * cough* star *cough *, so he makes his own way out and hops through some shrubbery (shrubbery!), jumps on one leg up and through a fountain, climbs a fence, and runs. The non-cheating men all watch the exciting antics of a mouse in a maze from their luxurious and well-appointed suite, while Ali snorts at Justin's vagina and demands that he act like a man a few more times, but Justin is off and hopping. This may be the best thing I have ever seen on television.
In the shadow of Hagia Sofia, Ali and her new confidante Chris Harrison weep and wail and rend their clothes and don their sackcloth and ashes over lost love, when Justin suddenly makes his contrite return. (I'm guessing an ABC lawyer was dispatched from the Istanbul office and tracked Justin down on the winding ancient streets and reminded him of his contractual obligations to the show. No one messes with the Istanbul office. Trust me.) Ali takes a deep breath and girds her loins for whatever bullshit excuse Justin is going to dole out. Justin explains that Jessica is really more of a best friend type of girlfriend instead of a true love girlfriend. Ali points out that she sent Kasey home instead of him! She could still have Kasey getting her name tattooed on his neck and writing not even Hallmark worthy poetry whenever the mood strikes, crafting his words on the backs of cocktail napkins or toilet paper. SHE COULD HAVE KASEY! Ali realizes how lame that particular line of reasoning sounds, shudders at the thought of having Kasey back, so she reminds Justin that each week someone else got kicked off the show. Guys she could have married! Like Fake Dean and his romance novel hair and Tori Spelling obsession and mean streak. He could have been hers!
Justin remains unmoved, so Ali reminds him that SHE GAVE UP HER APARTMENT to be here! It had hardwood floors and 14- foot ceilings and was close to public transit but still had parking. Justin shrugs, so Ali recites what Jessica told her about how much Justin loves her and how he is just there for his career and can't wait to be back together with Jessica. Justin denies it, but not really and Ali demands that he call the love of his life a liar on national television. He won't do it, which is the first sign of character he's shown all night. She demands to know about the other other woman, but Justin denies it. He realizes the futility of his situation and wanders off gimp legged into the sunset. Ali curses after him and degrades his masculinity some more, but Justin just hobbles on. As he limps, in arguably the most BRILLIANT MOVE EVER, the producers play the messages he left on Jessica's voicemail telling her how much he loves her, how he wants to marry her, how much he hates pretending to love Ali when he just wants to be with her. The messages sound like the contrite ramblings of a busted cheater. I hope Jessica broke his damn leg herself. Truly riveting television.
Up in the hotel room, the men are chittering with excitement like tweens at a semi-formal. They just can't believe it! They knew it! Didn't they say! Oh boys, don't let Ali catch you gossiping or she'll demand that you act like men too! A knock on the door brings new excitement: A solo date! Craig -- the incredibly boring Pennsylvania lawyer with no apparent charisma and Ken doll plastic molded hair -- swears he'll sue if he doesn't get a one-on-one date with Ali. The date goes to Tennessee Ty, so you're on notice, show! Ali swears she won't even think about Justin for another second, but then references Justin every few minutes to be certain we won't forget she had some dramaz. Ali takes Ty to a Turkish bath even though they don't normally allow women in to the space. But, don't worry Turkish culture, she's still wearing the cojones she strapped on earlier to confront He Who Shall Not Be Named. To respect the Turkish culture, Ali ties a towel around her boobs, leaving her midriff revealed. Then she makes out with Ty. Yeah, I don't think they'll be letting any other women in the Turkish bath anytime soon. Direct all your hate mail and evil eyes at Ali, ladies! Back at the hotel room, the group date invitation arrives. Everyone but Frank's name is called. Frank high fives himself for scoring a one-on-one date with Ali. But you can hear his little heart break break break as the camera cuts to Ali rubbing all over Ty. I am loathe to think how many boners that little lady has felt on her road to love.
After rubbing one out in the Turkish bath, Ali and Ty take some time for sustenance. Ty lists all the things he loves about Ali and reminds her that she can ask him anything she wants. So she asks him about his divorce, 'cause: Duh. She wants to know what happened and Ty explains that he divorced his wife because she insisted on working outside of the home. That's right, SHE HAD A JOB. He says it like it is as shocking as if his wife had a penis. She left the home and earned money! This is grounds for divorce! Twenty Turkish men stand up and applaud this notion. Ali's eyes get really wide and she starts blinking really hard as Ty pretends that he's totally over the notion that women need to stay home. Ty explains that he now knows women are CEOs and, like, schoolmarms and prostitutes and stuff. He gets it! Now. He's lived! He's changed! He totally understands that women can do more than wash dishes, mend clothes, pluck chickens, and birth babies. You know, if they have to. Or insist on it. Or if it will allow him to win this show and get on Dancing With the Stars. Ali is sitting very straight and blinking a lot and pretending that Tennessee Ty and his hillbilly mentality are totally normal. Like a successful girl from San Francisco who was a sales rep for Facebook would tie on an apron and raise chickens and children in Tennessee! I mean, unless she really wanted to. Ali tamps down her horror and gives Ty a rose anyway. She approves of the fact that he is honest about his bullshit beliefs about gender roles. Ali, I am honest when I say I flipped off the television while Ty was talking. Send that big-eared chucklehead home!
The day, Ali plays some hide-and-seek with her gaggle of men. Someone points out that there aren't that many blonde women in Turkey so she should be easy to spot. Chris L. er... I guess he's just Chris now that his other half has left. Anyway, Chris spots her hiding in a castle and the men all wave like grandmas at the playground. Ali lures them into the ruins of an Ottoman castle, hugs each of them, and then in a moment sure to be a contender for year's Tubey Award for best Ho Yay! moment, forces them to Olive Oil Wrestle with some other dudes. Whee! Good thing He Who Shall Not Be Named got sent home because he would have a serious advantage. Apparently Olive Oil Wrestling is a professional sport in Turkey and the four men on the group date will have to get coated in oil and wrestle for Ali's affections. What girl doesn't like that? The professional wrestlers make short work of the lawyer, insurance salesman, landscaper, and whateverthefuck Kirk does for a living. Then the men have to fight each other with the chance of some alone time with Ali. It's a hot greasy mess punctuated by Craig's insistence that he needs alone time with Ali. Roberto is an excellent oil wrestler, but Craig's wily moves and timely use of a restraining order rule the day. He is as surprised by his victory as we are.
As Frank pulls out his hair in anxiety over his girlfriend dating six other guys, Craig and Ali take the water taxi from Asia to Europe. I just saw an ad for this in Bon Appetit magazine and I am not even lying for once. Turkey has a mean publicity machine. Craig swears that he and Ali are just really into each other. If you keep saying it, buddy, someone will definitely believe you. Meanwhile, Frank gets his date card, pops a Xanax, chews off his fingernails, and tries to convince the other bohunks that Ali will choose him. Over in Europe (or Asia, not sure which direction they were heading) Craig awkwardly tries to drape his arm over Ali's shoulder as they watch some fireworks over the Bosphorus. Then Craig swears he would make an awesome husband, which he clearly recites into the mirror as part of his daily affirmations. Ali cheerfully says something romantic that amounts to Craig looks really good on paper.
Before her date with Frank, Ali explains that she really liked Frank at first, then he faded, now it's do or die a painful death of loneliness and ennui in his parents' wood paneled basement. Frank bursts onto the scene exuding FUN. They hit the spice market and I eat my foot in jealousy because the place looks AWESOME and Turkey's publicity department didn't even pay me to say that. Ali giggles a lot and tries on a belly dancer costume for her bohunk boner check. Frank complies. Ali gushes about her wonderful date with Frank, but the second they leave the bazaar, she gets her Serious Face on. She needs to talk. No really, this is sewious. She and Frank head to an ancient cistern, which is so beautiful I want to die, for their Big Conversation. They dine in the middle of a pool of water and then Frank ruins the mood by spilling his anxieties all over the carpet. Awkward! Frank explains that he is still single at the ripe old age of 30 because he is cautious. Also, old verging on decrepit. Also also, STILL SINGLE AT 30! Eternal bachelor much? Ali and Frank decide to try really hard to open their hearts and trust their hearts and every other pop song cliché that Rick Rubin would turn into a hit and gush about each other and then make out in the public drinking water.
The night, the men gather for their cocktail party and Frank and Ty wear their roses with pride and boasting and a few other deadly sins that I can't remember right now. Craig reminds us that he might be on the chopping block tonight. And so might Kirk, Roberto, and Chris. Ali beckons Chris Harrison for a pre-cocktail party chat. She tells him that she doesn't need a cocktail party, because she has already made up her mind about who is husband material and who is not. Harrison agrees to her terms: No cocktail party, straight to the rose ceremony, no prolonging the inevitable. Harrison --who is actually earning his airfare this episode -- wanders off to make his announcement to the gathered menfolk. The men don't approve of this plan. They want to beg for clemency and talk about their dead moms, mold problems, and skills with horses whilst drinking cocktails. So they all whine and moan and eventually wander upstairs while a producer hits 'play' on the Dramatic Music CD.
In the Rose Room, Harrison reminds the guys of the rules: Ty and Frank are safe. Three of the remaining four will move on. Ali thanks everyone for their understanding and hands her first rose to Roberto, because WHO COULD GIVE AWAY THOSE DIMPLES? No one! The second rose goes to Chris, the Massachusetts landscaper of her dreams. Harrison wanders on camera to remind us that it is the final rose for the night. After an appropriately dramatic pause, Ali hands the final rose to Kirk. This is not a surprise. Craig is a schlubby lawyer who has based his entire personality on BEING A LAWYER. He looks a tad sad as he says his goodbyes to the fellas. Ali insists on walking Craig out. He drafts a quick restraining order against Ali and hands it to her as he says farewell. In accordance with the terms of their separation as drafted by Craig, Ali dutifully states for the transcript that Craig has a lot of excellent qualities, but they simply lacked chemistry. She concludes: Craig R. would make a fine and upstanding husband. Also, if you ever need a lawyer in the greater Philadelphia area, please call Craig R. Don't worry Craig, you'll always have olive oil wrestling to impress the ladies.
As Craig R. sniffles in the car back to the airport, Ali toasts the remaining five men and tells them that their final destination will be Lisbon, Portugal. I really wish Ali had booted Tennessee Ty for his hamfisted knuckleheaded patriarchal bullshit and I kind of wish Ali had punched Justin in the nards, but all in all, this episode was truly EPIC.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is really glad she started picking on Tennessee Ty way back when because he truly deserves it. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
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