So it seems we're going to Iceland for this episode. Home of Bjork, that volcano with the untypeable name, and, from what we'll see tonight, some ice. Not a little of which will be evident in some people's hearts. Okay, then, let's get to it.
The plane carrying the bohunks lands in Reykjavik, and there are little Icelandic language lessons on the back of the seats. For instance, the verb and noun forms of "love" are two different words in Icelandic, and if you get it wrong, you might end up trying to tell someone "I love you" and come out with "You ate me." Which may or may not be a mistake, if you know what I mean. They all marvel about traveling to Iceland in search of love, while Kasey keeps showing his creepy tattoo to everyone but Ali.
On to Reykjavik, where we catch up with Ali among the picturesque villages, geysers, glaciers, and volcanoes. Between all of these people, I'm rooting for the volcano, obviously.
Harrison welcomes the bohunks to a square in Reykjavik to explain the date situation. One new twist is that for this week's two-on-one date, only one person will be coming back. And as for the one-on-one date, they have to compete for it, by writing a love poem for Ali so she can decide. She gets to pick? That's so random! Why bring her into it at this late date? Harrison suggests they slide in an Icelandic word or two for extra credit. What rhymes with Reykjavik? Oh, never mind, I just thought of something, and it's not appropriate for broadcast television. He gives them an hour and they get to work. An hour? Might as well give them five minutes, given the quality of what's going to result from this.
Some of them collect some Icelandic phrases from the locals, but Justin's shot out of luck in that department. Either they all think his crutches are a frightening anachronism in this land of socialized medicine, or they can just sense the tool-stink coming off him. Either way, it's not like he can chase them down. When the hour's up, they get to spend another hour talking about how hard this was. And then there are some ads. During which I assume they keep talking about how hard this was.
After the break, Harrison gathers everyone back under the statue, and Ali comes running to savor their humiliation. She sits down to take it all in. Really, the best any of them can hope for is that she'll be too cold to pay much attention to what they're actually saying.
Craig goes for funny, and at least Ali laughs. When it's Kasey's turn, he has some enunciation troubles, but he seems to feel good about it. His gift for self-delusion clearly works on both sides of the Atlantic. It basically becomes a rhyming montage of fail, but the way Chris N. shits the bed stands out in particular. Kirk steps up, literally, getting up in Ali's space to go for the cute. Frank totally bites his move, but takes it further and sits down to her for part of it. Finally it's over, and Ali says it's down to Kirk and Frank, because she likes having her bubble invaded, I guess, and she's picking Kirk for his first one-on-one date. Kasey's creepy about it, of course, and Frank admits to being jealous. But at least Frank is less creepy than Kasey.
Time for Ali and Kirk's date. He sneaks up behind her where she's waiting for him and scares the crap out of her. Nothing like kicking off a romantic date with soiled underwear. Ali talks about exploring Reykjavik together. So they go to a sweater store to try on allegedly funny clothes, then walk out wearing matching sweaters. That right there is more embarrassing than any of the stuff they didn't walk out with.
They go feed some swans and then go for coffee. Ali asks about his dating history, and he says he's never dated anyone for more than a year. He interviews about why he's reticent about telling Ali about his past. So he doesn't. Ali looks worried, and suspects he's holding back.
Back at the Bohunk Hilton, the guys learn who's going to be on the group date: Roberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig, Ty, and Frank, which means Kasey and Justin are going on the two-on-one date. You know, for maximum drama. Justin boasts that he plans to take Kasey out. It's not bragging if you can back it up, but then it's also not bragging if what you're bragging about is incredibly easy.
Kirk and Ali's date continues at a seafood restaurant, and she interviews how she's still worried. At dinner, he tells her about how he got sick five years ago. Apparently up until then, he was some hot-shit runner, then moved into some toxic house that turned him into a shambling revenant. Then, after seeing every doctor except House, he started looking into alternative medicine, and later found out that the house was full of asbestos and killer mold. Ali's looking like, "What does this have to do with me?" He says it doesn't define him, but he remembers the first night, telling him she was looking for someone who could help her be a better person. He keeps going on, probably well past the point where Ali is probably sorry she wanted him to talk more. Finally she kisses him. Just to shut him up? No, she interviews about how inspiring and positive he is. Yeah, she's really impressed. And she gives him a rose right there, so he's staying. More kissing. Do you really want to make out with someone that much after finding out he was almost killed by stuff he inhaled? Wouldn't you wonder if it was really all gone, or if you were breathing some of it right now?
Back at the Bohunk Hilton, Kasey's quietly having a meltdown. Frank goes in to talk to him, I'm sure at no prompting from the producers, and the topic comes around to Kasey's tattoo. "I'm not trying to stick around. I'm trying to be the man of her dreams." Yeah, maybe trying a leeetle too hard.
After the ads, Ali's out on a glacier, holding onto the reins of a small herd of ponies. And I mean, it's not just a small group; the ponies themselves are small. She looks less like a frozen cowgirl than a very short dog-walker. The guys show up, and Ty is pretty confident, what with all his equestrian experience that's apparently factory-installed when you live in the South.
The ride begins. "I'm all about going fast on anything," Ali says. That's (literally) what she said. Chris L. battles his pony like it's a wild mustang, and actually falls off. Ty helps him out, then they ditch the ponies and walk along until they just happen to come along a cave opening. Looks like its time to spelunk. "What's going to happen , playing with snakes?" Chris L. asks us. Offscreen, the producers furiously take notes.
Back at the hotel, Justin talks about what he's going to do to send Kasey home, what with Kasey's little trick "up his sleeve." So he goes and gets his cast cut off. It's not as dramatic as it might seem, because he still has to wear a boot-brace. But on the way out, he sticks his crutches in an outdoor trash can. They don't fit, of course, because Icelandic trash cans are tiny as a result of Icelanders either recycling everything or putting it into their gas tanks or both. "One small step for Justin, one giant leap for Rated R," Justin smugterviews.
Ty is continuing to be the alpha male, supervising the harnesses on the humans as he did with the ponies. He gets kicked in the head in neither case. Chris L. gets lowered down the hole first, which he's all happy about so he can meet Ali down below and have those thirty seconds of alone time. He gives her his gloves, which she likes. It's like she's constantly surprised that these dudes are going out of their way to be nice to her. What are they supposed to do, stand around to her lamely going, "So, do you like...stuff?" Okay, that'll happen later. For now, eventually everyone's down there, and a guide starts leading them through the frozen catacombs. It's cold and dark and crowded and underground and generally the worst date I can imagine. Okay, I'm exaggerating. Maybe if rabid wolverines were shooting at them. Ali interviews that its great to spend this time with all these guys, but hard at the same time. "One of them could be my husband!" Well, anything's possible. She remarks that Frank was pretty much a nonentity on this date, which she says is his loss. Yeah, stupid Frank, not scrabbling for every possible second against the rest of her entourage.
After dark and some night volcano footage, Ali takes the group to something called "Blue Lagoon," which is supposedly a magic healing lake. Indeed, look what it did for Christopher Atkins. Standing on the edge of the mist-shrouded waters, Ali says they should get in, and the music gets all porny as she strips out of her snowsuit to reveal that she's wearing nothing but a blue bikini underneath. Wow, that must have gotten chilly during the spelunking. She's the first one in the water, but not by much. They have a group champagne toast, and then Ali invites Ty for some one-on-one time away from the others. They snuggle in the water, and he's glad she noticed how helpful he was being with everyone. It would have been such a waste if he'd helped everyone and then not gotten anything out of it other than having helped people. Then it's Chris L.'s turn, and he actually gets some making out. Meanwhile, the other guys are getting increasingly jealous and nervous. Ali, meanwhile, is getting drunk. I mean, nobody comments on it, but the cold, the altitude, the exertions of the day, and however much champagne she's consumed are having an unmistakable effect on her speech. But cheer up, other guys; as one of my viewing partners pointed out, it's probably best to go last anyway when she's this tipsy.Justin, Kirk, and Kasey sit around back at the hotel. Kasey questions Justin's motives, because only Kasey can tell who is there for the right reasons. He's worried Justin will tell Ali about the tattoo. Hey, Kasey, you know a good way to prevent that? Don't get the tattoo.. It's fucking foolproof.
Frank manages to get Ali off into this whole separate room, and Ali says she never sees him on the group dates and asks what's up with that. Frank gives a non-answer, and she says she wants to see him more. That makes him feel bad. Come on, Frank, that means you're leaving her wanting more! But he apologizes and giv
es her credit for opening up to him. "Even if there's a bunch of guys competing for her time, I need to be one of those guys," Frank interviews. Welcome to the herd, Frank.
She's totally drunk when they rejoin everyone out there, and sees the one rose waiting. After some hammered babbling, she announces that Ty's getting the rose. Frank watches from the sidelines, his jealous eyes pinning Ty from just above the waterline like a waiting crocodile.
With that over, Kasey is talking about how either he or Justin is going home, and it's all down to his tattoo, and he's confident that Ali's going to see who Justin is and kick him out. Well, she may, but she's also going to see who Kasey is, and that's even worse for Kasey. Justin, in turn, is looking forward to the big showdown.
Ali is waiting by a helicopter, and here come Kasey and Justin. The latter totally upstages Kasey right off the bat with his two working legs and his new ability to hug Ali with both arms. Kasey bitches about how Justin is all about putting on a show. Unlike Kasey, who got that totally sincere tattoo.
The chopper takes off, and the altitude doesn't seem to prevent Kasey from jabbering. Ali's more excited about getting to see the erupting volcano from the helicopter than anything else, and with these two, who wouldn't be? Justin wishes he was the only one in the helicopter with Ali. I do, too; then the pilotless aircraft could plummet from the sky. Ali suggests getting closer, and they land on the adjacent peak. Kasey has to help Ali guide Justin to the edge for a closer look, but refrains from tossing him over. Justin says he wants Kasey to doubt himself, and compares it to a wrestling match, when you have your opponent on the ropes. And in the end, "You hold that championship belt -- in this case, Ali -- up in the air." Except professional wrestling isn't as fake as this.
After the ads, the helicopter takes them to a glacier. There's a little cave where the ice has been carved into the shape of a cocktail lounge for dwarfs. Ali and Justin find this impressive for some reason. Ali says this is her chance to get to know Justin, although she's aware that the other guys don't like him. They talk while Kasey chills outside, hoping that Justin's bad-mouthing him and making himself look bad. And coughing as he drinks something, which is always super cool. Justin is feeling good about the situation. And no, he's not saying anything about Kasey. Kasey's going to win this all by himself. For Justin, that is.
Ali joins Kasey outside, and interviews, "The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal." Alas, he doesn't seem to be up to it. She starts talking about what they were talking about earlier, and Kasey picks this moment to start winding up to tell her about the tattoo, and finally shows it to her. "What? When?" she says, in shock. He points out the eleven studs signifying the eleven bachelors still in the competition at that time, and she looks up from the tattoo at his face, already shut down, already done with him, nodding and smiling and blinking like, I'm so glad there are cameras rolling right now, because even though he's about to hit me over the head and put me in a jar, at least my family will know what happened to me. She's trying really hard to be nice about it, but he doesn't know it's over. Still, does she really have to give a rose to one of them?
So now they walk out to the middle of the glacier so Ali can break the news to them about which of them is getting the rose. Her face totally disappears into her scarf for a while. Choose you, Ali! She finally gives Justin the rose and sends him on to wait for her at the helicopter so she can say goodbye to Kasey. Which she does, telling him that she feels bad, but he needs someone who can feel the way about Kasey that he feels about...well, some other woman, as long as it's not Ali. Then she gets in the chopper and they take off and leave him there. Awesome! Is he going to jump into the volcano now?
Ali's 100 percent positive she made the right choice for both herself and Kasey, but taking off and leaving him there, quote, "sucks," unquote. She adds that it made it hard to celebrate with Justin. Also, she doesn't like Justin either, so there's that. Meanwhile, down on the frozen landscape below, Kasey walks off into his own personal Jack London story. Justin congratulates himself and correctly says it was Kasey's own fault, which you'd think would make Justin seem more humble but somehow does just the opposite. He adds that there were two roses given: "One for Justin and one for Rated R." Coincidentally, what I shout at the TV in response to that is also rated R.
Pre-Rose Ceremony, the remaining eight bohunks (all in suits or dress shirts except for Kirk in his half of the matching sweater set, like, you have a rose, dude, don't look so desperate) talk about Kasey's elimination. Ali joins them and pays some lip service to Kasey before Frank steps up at the first opening -- which isn't even an opening, really -- and takes her upstairs for some one on one time. They talk about yesterday's group date, and she says she doesn't know who she'll end up with. "I do," Frank quips, and earns himself a hug. Then there's some making out, and Frank looks like he's about to cry, or having an allergy attack. That's what Ali was looking for. She'll probably end up ripping his heart out, but she wants to see it first.
Down below, Craig talks about being more nervous than he's ever been. But then he gets some alone time with Ali, and what does he talk about? How they haven't had much alone time. Then he moves on to talk about how he wanted to do something special for her, and starts unbuttoning his shirt cuff. Yes, he totally went there; he drew a tattoo on his arm to mock Kasey. Ali isn't too guilt-ridden about leaving Kasey to freeze to death in the wilderness to join in the mocking.
Chris N. totally face-plants, to the point where the guys down below can see that he's striking out, just from Ali's body language. It's so painful to watch you wonder how he got this far. I mean she asks him to open up, tell her some secret or guilty pleasure, and all he can come up with is "I like Mexican food." He hauls her into a hug, which she can't escape from fast enough.
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Now it's Chris N.'s turn. When she asks about the whole Cape Cod thing, he says he doesn't care where they are as long as he's with her. Because that's not a recipe for resentment down the line or anything. He can't wait for her to meet the family. He talks about how he wants to be as good a husband as his dad is. Big hug. Mr. N. must be quite the hugger.
Roberto goes outside with Ali in the snow. She asks if he would approach her outside the show. He fumbles, and she says she would have considered him too hot for her. He does sell insurance, but he still gets a kiss. At least she's honest about the fact that he's only still here for his looks. Or else she's just not bright enough to not be honest about it.
Enter Harrison to take Ali away for the pre-rose-ceremony ceremony. Craig says that someone's going to be going home and Justin will take his place, "And that's a shame." Ooh, burn!
So Downfall drops people's spouses off a building? Is that just a device to generate more single people for this show?
Back from the ads, Harrison and Ali talk about the marvels of Iceland, and he brings up the awkward train wreck of the two-on-one date and asks Ali about her take on Kasey. She says he "fell in love with the idea of falling in love here." That's much nicer than saying he was a big kookoopants. She says she wasn't feeling it, so it was best for both of them. Now Kasey is free to find love with someone who will appreciate his qualities, like a nice Wampa. She talks about something holding her back, and he totally says to her, "I think you're afraid to let yourself fall in love." Instead of telling the game show host to fuck off, Ali chews that over. "What are you so afraid of?" Harrison presses. She says there have been a lot of times when she hasn't felt good through this process, but she's been reminding herself that she's going through it to fall in love. Only she's terrified she won't be loved back. With the track record of this show? What are the chances? Harrison tells her to let it go, and she says she's working on it. Thanks, Dr. Chris. They hug and part company. I think he's satisfied that she's gotten the message, that message being, drop your panties already.
Ali goes and contemplates the shelf of photos, yammering in voice-over about love and fear and all that happy crappy.
Rose ceremony. Kirk, Ty, and Justin already have their roses, but there are only four roses left for the other five. Enter Ali, and Harrison yields the floor to her. She gives a speech about connections and choices. After a lot of staring, the first rose goes to Frank. Chris L. gets the one. Craig looks nervous (and shlubby). Roberto gets a rose just for being handsome. That leaves Chris N. and Craig. Harrison shows up for two seconds to say, "Final rose tonight. When you're ready." Not that he's going to wait around for that. But given how long she takes, I can't really blame him. She finally gives the last rose to Craig. Chris N. is standing there looking as gormless as he did during his alone time. Awkward hugs, and he stiffly walks out. "I just couldn't get there with him. And I think he knows that." Yeah, I think that would have been the case in more ways than one. He gets in the limo and looks blank. He says he's lost for words. What else is new? "I'm a little shattered by this whole thing," he says emotionlessly. We can tell.
Ali tells her remaining bohunks that it's going to get harder for her, and for all of them. And then she announces that they're going to one of the oldest cities in the world, which is "supposably phenomenal." Istanbul! Not Constantinople!
During the credits, everyone mocks the tiny horse Craig had to ride on the glacier. Craig's good-natured about it, making the obligatory "it's what you do with it" defense. At least he knows his lines.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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