Has it really been a whole week since we last got to play voyeur to Ali and her Himbos on their *cough* path to love? Has it really only been a week since what's -his-face and that other what's-his-face whose biggest personality trait was that he hailed from Issaquah, Washington (a town whose biggest export is Modest Mouse) get booted for Failure to Thrive? A week since Rated R walked on alternating legs one at a time for five miles uphill to go get a cuddle with Ali? A week since all the bohunks in the house tried to have an asshole intervention and made Rated R cry and then it failed and Rated R is still in the house but with an even bigger chip on his shoulder? And didn't The Weatherman cry, too? And Ali made out with four different guys and not once did it dent her squeaky-clean, wholesome image? All that happened last week... yet there's more. No putting it off, I guess. Sigh.
Chris Harrison "earns his keep" by putting on clothes, shuffling out of his intern-lined Man Cave and telling the guys that there are two one-on-one dates in play this week and one group date. Then he asks the guys the rhetorical question: How far would you travel to fall in love? The guys stare at him, unsure whether they are supposed to answer (especially Tennessee Ty, who has no idea what rhetorical means), and Harrison finishes with a flourish: Pack your bags, gents, you're traveling the world to fall in love! And then I punch my television screen, because why do these chuckleheads get to travel the world instead of staying locked in a mini-mansion in Thousand Oaks so I can mock them? That's it: I'm getting meaner. Also, trying out for The Amazing Race. Harrison announces Destination Numero Uno is New York City. The guys all hoot and holler (except Tennesse Ty, whose ears have gotten tangled in the tassels on Frank's hoodie) and Harrison makes like a tree and leaves before the man-cooties catch him. Run, Chris, run!
The ABC graphics department resurrects some images from Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? and we get a little picture of an airplane flying across a map from Los Angeles to New York City. It's nice to know that someone held on to their Apple IIe computers. Ali has gotten in touch with her pioneer woman forebears and trailblazed a path to New York City for her menfolk. But as a devout feminist, she wants to make sure she looks good for her man... er, men. So then we get a very weird product placement from InStyle magazine, of all things. I mean, I know the print *cough* journalism business is sucking some major ink right now, but for reals: Who is going to go buy InStyle just because they gave Bachelorette Ali a new wardrobe and a free makeover? Not me! So InStyle's not-at-all gay fashion director gives Ali some New York City styling and doesn't make any weight jokes at all, or even sneer, really. Not that Ali is by any means fat, but when was the last time a Fashion Director at InStyle dressed a Size 6?
Anyway, Fat Ali (I'm kidding! Don't e-mail me.) heads to hair and makeup and describes all the men she's swapped spit with over the course of the last few days (weeks?) . The hairdresser hands her a Valtrex, and then it's photo shoot time! Because what is a makeover without a photo shoot? Ali stands and giggles in front of a rack of clothes and makes it abundantly clear that she has never seen even one episode of America's Top Model, because all she does is stand there and does not look at all fierce or laugh with her eyes or tuck in her chin while extending her neck. She is so going to look catalogue. Then the Fashion Director shows her the pictures and announces that she is going to be in the magazine! Like, BIG SHOCK! You totally thought InStyle was doing this out of the goodness of their steely corporate heart, right? Right. Ali admits that she always wanted to be a model and used to submit her high school class photos to YM's model search year after year, but they never responded. Now she is a model! So fuck you, YM!
The men land in New York City and make all the appropriate oohs and aahhs and "why is everyone walking so fast?" and "aren't the buildings so tall" noises. They arrive at the hotel and Frank does the obligatory I-wish-it-was-me-and-Ali-staying-here thing. Hey, Frank: SHE'S NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND. The first date is announced and the winner is? KASEY! The guy who talks like he wore really assertive head gear throughout high school and forgot how to move his jaw. Either that or he Botoxed his ENTIRE face. Really, I don't get the attraction. He looks like a pinhead Ken doll with the personality to match. Kasey explains that he knows that there is a deep and lasting connection between him and this girl Ali he met twice with a bunch of other guys. If she doesn't pick him, he will commit seppuku. It's the only honorable thing to do.
Ali swings by the product-placed condo where the bohunks are staying and picks up Kasey for the date. She is SUCH a modern woman! Kasey explains to us that he has so many things and feelings in his body and his pants, and also his mind, that he has no idea how to explain it. Chris L. lends a helping hand: Kasey thinks Ali poops peaches and roses and rides to work on a unicorn with hearts floating around her head or something. Chris L., however, thinks Ali just might be mortal. A hot mortal, but still mortal. Kasey may fight him over that slander.
Date Time! Ali reminds us that Kasey has never been to New York before, so first stop? The Intrepid. I've lived in New York for ten years and it has never once occurred to me to go the Intrepid, because it is a giant aircraft carrier parked off the West Side Highway and you have to, like, walk there, pay an overpriced entrance fee, and they don't sell beer. What is the point? I'll just watch Top Gun four times and call it a draw. A helicopter lands on the deck and Ali, who must be over her fear of flight by now, because she doesn't mention it even once, hops in and they go flying over the harbor. Kasey talks about love and butterflies and rainbows and pretty Ali, but he is such a mush-mouth that it ends up just sounding like the teacher in all the Peanuts cartoons: wah wah waa wah wah waaaaaah. The helicopter touches down, and the couple enjoys a picnic on the grass.
Kasey makes the most of his alone time by singing a really tuneless song about how pretty Ali is and it was flat and fell flat and Ali fake-laughed and Kasey got the sads, but then he continued singing, because why let all kinds of awkward and an awful singing voice stop you from serenading your escort? NEVER! The date does not end at sunset, but Ali drags Kasey to the American Museum of Natural History for some alone time with the dinosaurs. Contrary to what the movies tell you, the museum does not come alive at night, so Kasey does not get eaten by an allosaurus. In the confessional, Ali states the obvious: Kasey is a kornball who sings off-key. But she is trying to be open-minded. Meanwhile, Kasey tells us that he definitely deserves a rose because he loves Ali. Loves her! He will love her forever and never to part, together forever we two, you know that I would move heaven and earth to be together forever with you. Oh yeah, I just Rick Rolled the whole damn recap.
Back at the condo, the men are making the most of their first night in New York City and are hanging around drinking beer. It's probably safer, because if you let them out into New York nightlife, they would end up getting drunk and hitting on girls and thus outing themselves as "not being there for Ali." Also, NYC has a nasty bedbug situation, and they would totally infest the condo. Best to keep them safely cloistered in their luxury digs. Ty announces the lucky himbos going on the group date with Ali: The Weatherman, Ty, Frank, Roberto, Jesse, Kirk, and Craig. How awkward to have that many guys you've made out with (and The Weatherman, who you were forced to make out with by the evil Barenaked Ladies) all in one room. Justin pouts that he didn't get a date, but no one cares.
Back on the date, Kasey and Ali have made it to the Blue Whale room. The whale dangles alluringly from the ceiling and is the reason that my kid is confident that whales fly. There is a couch and candles and some wine -- along with a rose. Ali explains to us that, while she is on this one-on-one date, she really needs to figure out whether Kasey is husband material. So what does Kasey do? He extols her with a steady stream of Hallmark-worthy cheeseball lines about staying in his heart and protecting her heart and loving her forever and THEN HE SINGS AGAIN. Like, I really wish Simon Cowell would pop up and tell him to STOP SINGING and to really consider a new line of work. Who told this guy he could sing?? STOP IT. You are embarrassing your mother. Ali doesn't believe anything that Kasey is saying, which is the smartest thing that Ali has ever said. She won't give him a rose, but instead of sending the Cheeseball with Legs (and nuts! I think! Didn't check!) home, she makes us look at his weird stiff motionless head for another hour. Then she ditches him under the whale. Kasey sits morosely under the whale and sings a sad sad song accompanying himself on the world's smallest violin. He tells the camera that Ali would be really missing out [of years of ghastly songs at all family functions] if she let him go. Tell it to the whale, Kasey! Tell it to the whale.
The day, Ali goes on her gang-date with seven guys who are all dressed in nearly identical outfits of jeans, sneakers, and zip-up cardigans. What would the Fashion Director say? How can they stand out if they are wearing a uniform? That will never sell magazines. The clue Ali gave them told them to be ready to play, so they head to Times Square, which is weirdly empty, so maybe they filmed this during one of the bomb scares. Ali's enormous head pops up on a billboard with the hint that they have to find her in the "concrete jungle."
Two seconds later (edited down from the 15 minutes of pointing and prodding of the producers) the guys realize that Ali is hanging out at the theater for The Lion King. They all clap themselves on the back while Ali explains that The Lion King is the hottest musical (15 years ago) and won six Tony Awards (15 years ago) and they are getting the VIP tour. She swears the guys are going to freak out when she tells them what's in store. Please don't make The Weatherman cry again! Also, what kind of guy freaks out in excitement over dated Broadway musicals? Ali goes to greet the guys and apologizes for being under the weather, but she has been making out with six guys at a time and there be some germs in them there smoochers. The guys all surreptitiously start gargling Purell before heading into the theater, where two actors are singing "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" and everyone gets shmoopie about The Meaning. Ali admits that she is a BIG theater fan, so in order to decide who gets a date with Ali, all the guys have to audition for the musical. As Ali and the director sit in the audience and critique their performance, the men get a workout from the Assistant Choreographer. It is humiliating for everyone involved, but especially for me. Ali pretends she loves it, though. Just when you think the horror is over, the pianist walks on stage and all the men have to sing. Trust me, they should not all be singing in public.
If Kasey was fingernails on a chalkboard, Craig (the dead-behind-the-eyes lawyer) is fingernails on a chalkboard on the back of a beached humpbacked Countess LuAnn De Lesseps. Oy. Luckily, Peculiar Jesse is pretty good, but Roberto... well, Roberto played it smart. He sang the song (still "Can You Feel the Love Tonight") directly to Ali and made her cry and thus he won the date to the staccato rhythm of all the other idiots smacking themselves on the head for not thinking of singing to their supposed true love a song about love. The Weatherman smacks himself around and calls himself names, which I figure is how he spends a typical Saturday night anyway. So Roberto won, but unfortunately the date isn't so much quiet sexy time, but more "being part of The Lion King time. Roberto pretends this is the best thing that has ever happened to him. LIES!!
Ali and Roberto get dolled up in their jungle costumes and rehearse their dance number. They're going on Broadway, baby! It is really too bad that the Tonys were last night, because I think we have some serious contenders! Ali and Roberto are dangled from the air in flagrante delicto while all the other guys watch from the cheap seats, groaning loudly. Jonathan explains his need for a Silkwood shower after watching five minutes of their act. Then the curtain goes up, the show starts, and Ali and Roberto head to the stage. The Himbos have been kicked out of the theater (their moans were pretty loud) and are watching the musical on a TV set in the lobby. Obviously, Ali and Roberto nail their forbidden dance and all the men weep and rend their clothes and don sackcloth and put ashes on their heads. Their lives have no meaning, and they have no tickets to the hottest show on Broadway. Just kill yourselves!
Back at the luxury condo, Ali is hocking up loogies all over the place and the men all cluck and nod their heads because their darling has a cold and reality television does not stop for colds. This is reality! Loogies and all! The guys know that Ali probably wants to have an early night, but Frank makes sure to get some alone time with "his" lady. Meanwhile, Jonathan is strategizing with the other men as to how he will make his move, and there is a panicky edge to his voice. Roberto laughs that the forecast for The Weatherman is a high-pressure system moving in, which is actually pretty funny, and it seems so unfair that he would be hot, dimpled, a baseball player AND funny. Then I remember he sells insurance, and the scales of the universe are back in balance.
Ali and Frank head outside in a rainstorm, despite her head cold. Ali wants to reassure Frank that he should still love her despite the fact that she is dating ten other guys and made out with several of them in front of him. Just ignore all that, Frank! Love her! Frank proves his love by kissing her full on the mouth, cooties, germs and all. While Frank and Ali make out in the rain and Ali makes Frank take a blood oath of allegiance, a messenger drops a card off at the condo announcing the second one-on-one date. The winner? Chris L., our Cape Cod landscaper with a dead mommy and a good head on his shoulders. Don't worry, Frank; it's his birthday, and Ali's just tossing him a pity date because she's too cheap to spring for a dozen cupcakes. Back at the hotel, Dead-Behind-the-Eyes Craig is promising Ali that he will make an excellent provider for her and any of his frat brothers who need a crash pad for a few nights when their investments go south. Ali is too hepped up on cold medicine to give a shit.
The Weatherman lurks on the sidelines, trying to remember where he stuck his cojones so he can make his move. He finally finds them under the couch, dusts them off and approaches Ali, who bats him on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper and tells him to come back later. But The Weatherman's later never comes: Kirk cuts in and reminds Ali that she is a sick little girl and she should be tucked in bed. TUCKED, people, TUCKED. That's a T, not an F. Ali sticks out her lower lip and reminds him that she has to give out a rose. So he tells her she can do that one thing, but then straight to bed with her! Ali decides she feels too lousy to think about her future husband and isn't handing out a rose tonight, but Kirk is going to walk her to her room.
All the guys stare at Kirk's wake as he laps them on the road to love. Ali lets her take him upstairs, tuck her in and then forces him to sing her a lullaby because she's been a bad little girl. The Weatherman has the entire scenario naughty scripted in his head, but the end result is the same: He's an idiot. Kirk, however, plays it suave. He cuddles Ali to sleep and then slips out the door so Ali knows he's a gentleman. Class act! At least more than making out with her while she is unconscious.
In doing due diligence for his date with Ali, Chris L. grills Kasey on what went wrong on his date. Kasey is not particularly introspective and thinks Ali just didn't believe his True and Honest Love Affirmations but doesn't mention the dreadful verse recitation or the frequent expostulating of off key songs. Before Chris L. can get too excited about his date, we see Ali coughing her lungs out in bed. Sure enough, moments later Chris gets a card saying the date is off, but maybe he wants to come hang out in her room and watch her blow her nose? Chris swears he would LOVE that. Chris is a very good liar. He claims that Ali is looking for a husband and this is what husbands do: hang out with their sick wives, rub their back, bring them flowers, and empty the emesis buckets. Um... sure. Chris goes to fetch flowers and soup and shows up at Ali's door bearing the gifts. Ali is touched. She and Chris sit on the couch and chat while she sips tea. They talk about his dead mom for a while, so he is totally getting a rose. But the drama is not in the date, it's upstairs: Kasey is missing!
The Weatherman put out an Amber Alert, but the camera crew knows where he is. He was so hurt that Ali didn't believe his spiel, he is going to do something BIG to prove his love to her. How big? TATTOO big. No, no, not Herve Villechaize big, but an actual permanent heart tattoo. Idiot. Creepy stalker idiot. Since he promised Ali that he would protect and guard her heart, he gets an armored heart on his wrist. With a rose, naturally. It has to have a rose. He deserves a rose.
Meanwhile, Ali has spent all day in bed with Chris and after mainlining some DayQuil she has decided she is ready to roll. She gets dressed and takes Chris out for his birthday dinner at a club I have never heard of. They eat lobster despite the fact that Chris is from Cape Cod and probably could eat lobster every fracking day if he wasn't so sick of it. But he pretends well and then talks about his dead mom some more. As an extra-special birthday treat, Ali grants Chris a moment's access to the outside world. She lets him call his dad under her direct supervision. She forces him to make the call on speakerphone so he can't talk about her in derogatory terms and then insists on talking to his dad about how much she likes his son. Just what every dad yearns to hear. Happy birthday, Chris!
Kasey returns to the condo and explains away his bandaged wrist by announcing that he was burned and had to go to the hospital. All day! Hospital! All day! Stop asking questions! Everyone sort of gasps in horror that he was injured. Except for Justin. Justin calls bullshit. Only he doesn't do it in public, but just to the camera later.
Chris's date is getting better and better, and Ali gives him a rose for being generally awesome and bringing the chicken soup to her soul. They wander up to the roof, where Joshua Radin is playing. Apparently this guy is Ali's favorite, but I will confess to having never ever heard of him, not ever not once. And not in the "Oh I've never heard Justin Bieber" or "I only listen to bands on independent labels" sort of way. Speaking of which, how many indie rockers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Oh, it's a really obscure number and you've probably never heard of it. Also, speaking of which, I've never actually heard a Justin Bieber song, but I have heard OF Justin Bieber and anyone who tells you they haven't are either dead, Larry King or flat-out lying. But, really, is Joshua Radin somebody? Or is he like that bullshit artist Perez Hilton is always foisting on the public?
Anyway, Ali dances enthusiastically, Chris stares down her shirt but pretends he isn't and then they make out despite The Germs. And then Chris jumps on the "She's My Girlfriend" bandwagon, along with Kirk and Frank and probably Roberto (although he is smart enough not to say it) and Kasey, who is delusional and needs to be medicated. Or killed.
The day, the men are suited up and awaiting the Rose Ceremony. Craig mocks Justin, Kasey laughs uproariously, and Justin plots his revenge. Kasey explains that when Ali didn't give him a rose on their date, it killed him, without the delightful side effect of actually killing him and thus removing him from my TV screen. He can't wait to show Ali his tattoo, which by its mere existence completely proves his sincerity. Right? Right? Ali comes down for the cocktail party in a sensible pantsuit with no bra. The men all stand at attention (in more ways than one) and start vying for her affections.
Kirk goes first and Ali makes out with him briefly as a thank you for not forcing himself on her while she was doped up on NyQuil. Then The Weatherman makes his big move and serenades Ali on his guitar. The other men all listen in as he sings. Ali sits politely listening to him sing and rewards him with a kiss. Just a little one. Not a good one. Kind of grandmotherly, really. Well, if your grandmother is into that sort of thing.
Then the editing gets a little wonky. It appears that Kasey kame klean about his tattoo and has rolled up his sleeve. Inside, Justin has taken a play out of this seasons' Bachelorette playbook and is plotting the downfall of Kasey for lying to his bros. If he lies to his bros, he will definitely lie to his ho. Right? Justin can't have that. Especially not when he was just accused of that last week. Then Ali comes to see Kasey out on the patio. Then Kasey comes and sits to Justin, who calls him out and demands to see a burn mark on his arm. Kasey obviously can't prove that he has a burn mark, so Justin shrugs that there is nothing else to talk about. Kasey gets kwazy eyes and stares at Justin for, like, five minutes and then calls a meeting. He orders all the men to sit down in a camera-friendly semi-circle and then denounces Justin for accusing him of being there for the wrong reason. Justin interrupts to point out that he actually accused Kasey of lying about getting burned and going to the hospital. Kasey then admits that he got a tattoo. He whips it out and all the guys sit there in stunned silence trying not to laugh, but also wincing in horror. Kasey explains that Justin hurt his heart by saying he was there for the wrong reasons. Also, he got eleven stones on the shield to represent the eleven men in Ali's life at this time -- including Justin! Because he loves Justin, too!
Everyone sniggers, and Kasey can't wait to show Ali his awesome tattoo! He and Ali take some alone time, and Kasey gives her a packet of her favorite candy, but Swedish Fish did not pay their product placement fee! Now America will never know that Ali loves Swedish Fish! How will Swedish Fish prevail in the marketplace now?? The same way they always have: by sticking in the teeth of all who eat them for all eternity. Ali pauses to tell us that Kasey really dialed it back and was being so sweet and thoughtful and she was really pleased that he was being himself and really listened to her. I think the editors just left this scene in so Ali could be embarrassed later at her stupidity. Kasey is about to show Ali his tattoo, but the voice in his head just won't let him pull up his sleeve and then Frank comes in and pulls her away. Kasey is krushed that he didn't have the gumption to show her his heart on his sleeve. Sad Kasey. Kwazy Kasey.
Chris Harrison teleports into the middle of the room to remind Ali that it is time for the Rose Ceremony. Ali goes to stare at her beaus' headshots for a while, while Harrison reminds the men that there are only eight roses to hand out. Chris L. is safe, but no one else is. First to get a rose? Kirk. Second: Frank, followed quickly by Dead-Behind-the-Eyes Craig who probably offered to draft her will for free if she kept him around. ? Chris N., who we NEVER see yet he keeps moving up in the ranks. He's probably the executive producer's cousin's kid or something, because it is just weird. Roberto is , then Justin, who actually seems surprised. The second-to-last rose goes to Tennessee Ty and his ears. Harrison earns $250,000 by walking out and announcing that this is the last rose and then walking off.
Still on the chopping block: Peculiar Jesse, Kwazy Kasey, and The Weatherman. Kasey gets called. Bad choice! Bad choice! Peculiar Jesse is frustrated, but understands that Ali is a city girl and he wants acreage and cows and to see his dogs on those acres with those cows. The Weatherman pitifully points out that he shouldn't be going home tonight, and Ali just didn't get a chance to know him. He doesn't understand what happened. He doesn't get how pitiful and sad and weepy he is. He hops in a cab and back to his weather puppets (Hello, Mr. Sun! Nice to see you, Little Rain Cloud!), who are his only true friends. As Jonathan cries alone in the cab, Ali laughs that things are heating up in New York so she is putting them all on ice in Iceland! Everyone whoops. I put my foot through the TV.
Watch a tattooing scene here, discuss this episode in our forums, then see our guide to the rules for bachelors!
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Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates takes a Silkwood shower after every episode of The Bachelorette. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.