Welcome back to Herpes Watch 2010. So far: No herpes, but a possible canker sore was spotted on Frank after he rolled around with Ali under the Hollywood sign (although the outbreak might be stress-induced from watching "his" girlfriend make out with a bunch of other dudes). By the way, the word of the day is: BOHUNKS. I never heard this word before watching 16 Candles, but it is clear, Ali has a houseful of bohunks who are all vying for her attention and national fame. God help us all.
Chris Harrison earns his $800,000 salary by waltzing into the Men's Mansion and reminding them to make the most of their time with Ali because life is short, this is a cut-throat competition, and Ali is a puma on the prowl. Harrison adds that not everyone is getting a date (again!) so if you are so lucky, the other guys will definitely short-sheet your bed and stick your briefs in the vegetable crisper because NO ONE EATS BROCCOLI IN THIS HOUSE. Harrison announces that Roberto has the first date, and then he heads back to the green room for his cucumber facial and MAN-icure. Everyone fake-congratulates Roberto whilst plucking hairs from his head for their DIY voodoo dolls. Roberto is pretty much a catch, what with his Latin looks, pearly whites and Major League Baseball past. There's only one part of Roberto that gives me pause: His job. When his ID flashes on screen he is listed as Roberto of Charleston, South Carolina, INSURANCE AGENT. I mean, sure, I would buy shoes two sizes too small from this guy, if that's what he was hawking, but really Roberto? That's what you've come to? Insurance and reality television? It's just kind of sad, like he's a character in a Raymond Carver story. Regardless, you KNOW that he's destined to spend nights at the bar wistfully recounting the days when he could have been a contender. Aw crap. Now I just want to give him a cuddle. GIVE ME A CUDDLE, BOY! Maybe it's all a ploy for cuddles. Anyway, Roberto gives us the usual spiel: I can't wait for my date; I'm a poet, I don't know it! Ali pulls up in her bitchin' Camaro (note: I have no idea if it's a Camaro), but fear not: they aren't driving. Not after that fiasco with the damn rental car breaking down on the damn side of the damn highway. They are flying! Again! Even though Ali is completely scared of flying! Good thinking, producers! Way to manufacture the dramaz. Luckily for Roberto this gives a lot of opportunity to get all handsy in the helicopter. ("That's not second base, that's moral support!") They finally land, hug some more, and then Ali explains that they are here for dinner. But by "here" she means "way the fuck over there." She points at a scarcely visible table for two that is barely a blip on the horizon. Gosh, how will they ever get there? Oh they just have to walk on a tightrope suspended 50 stories up to get to their salmon entrees. Know what this calls for? Yep. More hugging.
While no one really gives a rat's ass about what the collection of Bohunks are doing back at the Bohunk Bungalow, the producers insist on showing us anyway. So what do a group of manly men trying to outman each other do? Grill meat, of course. Well, grill meat, bitch about not going picked for a date, and whinge about gimpy Justin. End Scene.
Roberto and Ali are testing the limits of The Bachelorette's insurance policy, much to Roberto's inner insurance man's chagrin. They are honest-to-god tightrope walking between buildings. To enable them to do this while not killing them and causing them to plunge to a fiery death and forcing the insurance company into a large payout, the lovey-dovey twosome are strapped, harnessed, chained, pinned, snapped, girded, locked, helmeted and bungeed into place. The chances of them falling are now nonexistent. And why would Ali -- a woman who has made her fear of flying (even on a private jet!) quite clear -- agree to TIGHTROPE WALK over Los Angeles? Oh right: The pursuit of love. I mean, yeah, this is totally part of a normal relationship vetting process. Roberto decides to steal a kiss 500 feet in the air, because Ali can't play coy. Well, she could, but then she would die, so just submitting is much easier. She giggles and they finally get to their dinner, which is undoubtedly cold. Hope they didn't forget the forks on the other side!
Back at the Bohunk Bungalow, the men are all gathered in the living room for the Big Announcement. Harrison doesn't bother showing up, he just has an intern chuck the card outside the house and Ding Dong Ditch so the guys know to open the door. It's a group date featuring a bunch of guys including Frank and Peculiar Jesse, The Weatherman and Chris L. Also a guy from Issaquah, Washington who I feel I should root for just because I actually know where the fuck Issaquah, Washington, is located, but I don't feel like it so I won't. Everyone is very excited about the prospect of looking for love in the lump of loins that is a Bachelorette group date. Ali's note asks the guys to "Rock My World", which makes me wonder if Bret Michaels is doing a cameo on his Road to Recovery (and Love). But based on the trailers, I don't think we are going to be hearing his dulcet tones, and in fact will be ramming pencils into our ears very, very soon.
Out on the roof of the skyscraper, somehow Ali and Roberto have managed to don proper dining togs in advance of their romantic feast. They must have carried their clothes in their backpacks from the other building. I mean, they wouldn't have CHEATED and had someone else bring their clothes, would they? Roberto is explaining to Ali that he is a cunning linguist and speaks Spanish, some French and a little Italian. Ali thinks his, er... lingual skills are very sexy. Ali then explains to us that she does not have low self-esteem issues except when she is around Roberto, who makes her feel fat and ugly and stupid, and she totally loves that. Like she's finally a real woman. Um... yes. Let's sing a round of "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman," eh? Carole King clearly had this situation in mind when she wrote the song. Anyway, Ali has had enough of this tiresome "sitting at a table and using forks" thing, and magically pillows and a coital protective garment appear on the rooftop. Roberto tries to build up Ali's self-esteem by reminding her that she's cute. Ali rewards him with a rose. And another cuddle. Bringing the kiss count up to THREE (or TRES, for the Spanish-speaking among us). She has made out with every guy she has gone on a one-on-one date with. Grandma would be proud!
Now it's Group Date day, but no one call her a prostitution whore. She's just LUCKY. And you're just jealous. The guys all explain how fake-excited they are to be gang-dating Ali and then they pile into the limo and head out. In the middle of a deserted stretch of road (I think it's in the Mad Max neighborhood of Los Angeles) Ali stops the car by standing in the middle of the road with a whip and a glare. Okay fine, no whip, but it was a fine Mel Gibson impersonation. The guys pile out of the Hummer limo (apt, no?) and party-peck Ali's cheek while trying to figure out where the heck they are. Ali glimmers and glows and lures the men under an overpass where a girl gang descends from the eaves and beats them all senseless while shouting, "Smash the dominant paradigm!" and "Stop douchebaggery!" and then tying all the bros up and waiting for FEMINIST HULK to arrive and force them to watch Rain Without Thunder and Thelma and Louise until they cry and beg for pay equality.
...Sigh. Wouldn't that have been a sight? So much better than what really happened, which was this: Ali leads the men around the corned and they find THE BARENAKED LADIES playing the one Barenaked Ladies song anyone (except Jason Priestley) has ever heard. Yay? Drink for cultural relevance! What? No one who has written a song in the last TEN years was available? Freakin' Black Eyed Peas weren't available? LIES! Of course they were. Anyway the guys all pretend to be SUPER excited about the possibility of being in a Barenaked Ladies video that NO ONE will ever see. Oh wait, that last bit was clearly the silver lining of this situation. Relax guys, no one will ever see this! Oh wait... nevermind. Craig R., the uber-bro lawyer from Philly, pretends all his frat brothers would be super jealous of this amazing opportunity. What do you expect? He's a lawyer, he's a great bullshitter. The Barenaked Ladies play their ostensibly new song and everyone pretends to listen and enjoy it, but mostly because Ali is pretending to be really into the song and so the guys can't sit on the sidelines and openly mock the overaching LAMENESS of it all. Then the putative director comes out and orders everyone onto the set. The script is handed out and ooh la la, there are some kissing scenes. Start passing out the Valtrex!
For the video, Ali has to slut it up with the guys. But first she has to slap Frank NINE times for the initial scene. Obviously the boys really enjoyed watching that. John R., the hotel businessman from Issaquah, Washington, has the only scene that does not involve any physical interaction with Ali. This makes him sad. But not nearly as sad as The Weatherman, who has to (gasp!) KISS ALI. To ensure a smooth scene, he swallows a big old Awkward Pill and then embarks on embarrassing himself in everyway possible way aside from wetting his pants in public. He is so ungainly and gawky and unsure of himself that everyone is embarrassed for him. He ends up crying (CRYING!!) over his humiliating inability to lay one on the lady, so she hugs him and plants one on him. Later he swears he saw rockets and stars and little jumping monkeys because the connection was so REAL. I bet he really enjoys pity sex, too.
Frank spends a lot of time reminding everyone that HE "earned" his kiss by actually going on a date with her. Obviously, no one gives a shit. Ali then films a scene with Kirk (don't worry, I have no idea who that is, either) and they full-on make out in bed with each other and continue to do so WAY after the director yells "Cut," thus managing to make everyone feel so uncomfortable that even Justin crutches out so he doesn't have to watch the smut, and Frank feels funny in his man parts. After the video is shot, Ali takes her mens to a rooftop dinner. Yes, another rooftop dinner. What? It's the only way to escape the zombies. Ali grabs Chris L. for some one-on-one time. He insures that he'll get a rose by mentioning his dead mother, but pretending he doesn't want to mention his dead mother, thus: SCORE! Ali is moved. The Weatherman corrals Ali to try and resuscitate his manhood, but he's foiled by Craigus Interruptus, and Ali walks off with revolting Craig R. Oh, don't worry, his revoltingness is totally a personal choice on my part. I'm sure he's a lovely human being, I just choose to ignore that part because he is dead behind the eyes and still has a scar from crushing beer cans on his head.
Meanwhile, another note is delivered to the Men's Mansion. This note announces that the date is with Hunter, who apparently exists.
Back at the scrum, Ali has managed to slip into a bikini and into a hot tub with Kirk without any of the observant crew noticing. Ali and Kirk make out some more while all the guys watch. Maybe their matching exhibitionism is the basis of a long-lasting relationship. Frank breaks up their little display by cannonballing into the hot tub, but this does not prevent Ali from giving her rose to Kirk, which sounds as dirty as it is. Then Ali debuts the music video. Not shown is the video's editor who probably curled up on the cutting room floor whimpering softly after hours spent sorting through 48 takes of each scene, trying to get the damn video into decent enough shape to air. I hope the union takes note.
The day, Justin is a man on a mission. He has decided to crutch himself up the road to Ali's house. He hobbles and he crutches and not a single car stops to help out the gimp making his way down the side of the road. Nice work, L.A! At Ali's house, Ali is filming a spot explaining why she picked Hunter for a date. The scene is cut short when Justin shows up. Ali is shocked (shocked!!) that he is there, but the fact that he would crutch over hill and dale and fend off the circling vultures just to see her is a total turn-on. She prattles on and on before she finally notices Justin begging her to let him sit down after his three-mile crutch-a-thon. Somehow Justin has brought photos along with him (smuggled prison-style, no doubt) to show Ali that he is a Family First kind of guy who can't wait to breed. Ali is just so touched by this big dramatic gesture and grants Justin a cuddle. Over at the house, Hunter is waiting for his alone time with Ali, but she can't get dressed for the date because she is chauffeuring Justin back to the house. None of the men noticed he was gone. Gosh, do you think they will find out?? Der. Justin plays Mr. Cool (new wrestling name, eh?) and talks to Hunter about his date, baiting him into saying stupid things like "I'm the only guy who gets to spend time at Ali's house," while Justin smirks. Oh Justin, you don't have to be SUCH an ass.
Ali finally comes to pick up Hunter and his jug band ears for his date. Hunter is definitely getting the short end of the date stick, probably because Ali isn't convinced she wants to be seen in public with him yet. He doesn't get to take a private jet to Vegas or tromp around on a protected wetland or even tightrope-walk across the Los Angeles skyline. No, he gets to cook weenies and talk. Every man's fantasy right? But hey: WEENIES! Dirty. As Hunter ties on an apron and completely rids himself of any trace of potential coolness, Ali explains how she gets her career ambitions from her dad. It was Daddy's Little Gift of ambition that has caused her to focus on her career instead of love. AND LOOK WHERE THAT GOT HER?? God, Ali, exactly why can't you have both a career and love? Most people manage to do two things at once. And, seriously, Feminist Hulk could make a field day out of smashing your patriarchal ideology. Hunter volunteers to be Mr. Mom if Ali wants to stay in the workforce, which is so adorable they have no choice but to slip into swimsuits and make out in the hot tub. Minus the making out. Speaking of hot tubs, Justin and Kirk are hanging out in their hot tub talking about hypothetically hoofing it over to Ali's house, you know, if someone was so inclined. Justin "guesses" it would take a few hours. Dude, Justin, I'm sure all those body slams and piledrivers and Dirty Sanchez's to the head have caused some light brain damage, but if you don't want to get caught, quit giving yourself the giggles and shut the hell up! Back in Ali's hot tub, things are not heating up, and Hunter hasn't been able to share his extra-well-done weenie with Ali. Seems that she's just not that into him. Back at the Bohunk Bungalow, the men are harassing Justin because they don't believe that he is there for the "right reasons". This ticks Justin off and he feels that he needs to defend himself and, you know, toss some tears around. The men are impressed with the emotional display, shrug in his general direction and chug some beer in his honor. Woot!
Hunter and Ali have their clothes back on, which is CLEARLY the wrong direction for fluid swapping. Hunter makes his final appeal for Ali's affections. He swears he is just used to moving slower than these hussy city girls seem to want. At that Ali announces that she's not giving him the rose. Hunter apologizes for failing to put out (or getting his ears pinned), but Ali claims there is simply no connection between them and no hope of a romantic feeling. No matter how much wine they drink. Hunter heads off to the airport stopping only long enough for the driver to get his bags out of the foyer of the Men's Mansion. Justin whoops in excitement, while everyone else clucks at Hunter's misfortune. Yeah, Justin's a dick.
At the Rose Ceremony, Ali explains that Hunter was a great guy, but when she looked at him, all she saw was EARS and not her husband. They all toast to the ghost of Hunter. Ali grabs Chris L. for some Mass-Hole memories and Maine fantasies of lobster eating and, yes, playing Flip Cup. Ali swears she is SO amazing at the bar game, but Chris L. bests her by opening his shirt to reveal his Flip Cup Champion medal that he wears everywhere. Ali is super-impressed at his ability to drink heavily, and she has no choice but to start making out with him. Her ovaries demand it! Frank and Kirk watch glumly from the sidelines. Even though Frank hates Kirk for making out with "his" girl in a hot tub in front of everyone, Kirk is also the closest thing to an ally or at least someone who might understand his misery and pain. They stand and watch Ali and Chris L. make out before realizing: "EW!" and wandering off. Bravo, Frank, you are clearly making a name for yourself as the horny, territorial Eeyore of this competition. Justin takes his moment with Ali and pouts that all the other fellows hate him. Ali thinks that maybe Justin is the Vienna of the house. But she says it like that's a good thing and that just because everyone else hates him, doesn't mean he's not perfect for HER. Puh-lease, Ali! Justin is much less horse-faced than Vienna.
Outside, Ali has been swept away on a mini-date by some guy with big aspirations but small fine motor skills. He struggles to open a champagne bottle for like five minutes, blaming it on his "fragile hands," like THAT will endear you to a girl. "I fell in love with first his fragile hands, and then him. They were just so slim and delicate, how could I not?" Inside, Tennessee Ty is rallying the troops against Justin. Everyone hates him, although it is still not quite clear why. Ty claims that Justin is two-faced, but the only two-faced thing we have seen him do is obfuscate about hobbling over to Ali's while baiting everyone with the truth. Ty does not notice that Justin has joined the group and is listening to Ty's rant, so Justin calls him out. He wants everyone to just come clean about whatever their problems are with him. He waits, and finally Ty asks him if he is a two-faced liar. Justin says no and then they all debate it for a while. Justin moans that he has always made friends easily, and it stings that everyone hates him. No one really cares. Including me. And probably you, because we all know that Justin snuck off to see her and has been lacing the conversation with annoying in-jokes that only he gets. Thus: Blech. Also, blech? The faux chivalrous attitude pervading the group allowing them to all gang up on one guy for "not being there for Ali," like, shut up, Tennessee Ty! You are on a REALITY TV SHOW, no one is there for the right reasons. Unless the right reason is for at least county-wide fame and a shot at Dancing with the Stars [of Maricopa County].
Frank is back to his whinging, and Craig R. is giving him the rather reasonable advice that this is a test of mental stamina as much as virility, er... LOVE. Frank nods because he might possibly get that, although he also really wants to talk to his mom, because only she would understand what he is going through, and he kind of misses their basement. But regardless, this tortured heart thing is going to be awesome for his screenwriting career. Now he knows pain firsthand! Roberto pulls Ali aside for a quick snuggle and a shot over the bow at Justin. Roberto frames this as "protecting" Ali, but whatever. Ali laughs and asks if he knows that Justin came to visit her. Roberto did not know that. He did not know that at all. Ali looks troubled that she spilled Justin's beans, but Roberto has no issues with running to the other guys and divulging the new information. Obviously Tennessee Ty wastes no time in gathering up some pitchforks, torches, tar and feathers and confronting Justin. They ask him whether he went to Ali's house yesterday. Justin looks shocked, and you can tell he's debating whether to flat-out lie, but then remembers all the damn Cameras of Truth and admits it. Everyone starts hissing like rattlers at a faith healing and crying about the unfairness of it all. Oh please, you big babies, you're just mad you didn't have the stones to do it first. Everyone calls bullshit on Justin, who ends up getting really upset as person after person yells at him. I really don't get it. The editing just isn't laying out a story that adequately explains why all the guys hate Justin. I mean, I know what People magazine says, but if it's not in the show, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN (yet). So this Justin-bashing is just odd, considering they are all in competition with each other and should all hate each other, not just Justin. And Tennessee Ty as ringleader is really unattractive... and he wasn't that attractive to begin with. Anyway, whatever. If Justin had two legs he would totally piledrive them all. The men are all piecing together the fact that Justin went up to Ali's house before Hunter's date. So then they get their Jockeys in a bunch for poor Hunter, completely robbing Ali of her "meh" feelings. Unfair! Outside, Justin is taking some alone time, but the microphone is picking up his whimpering. Finally Harrison comes in to earn the rest of his salary and hauls Ali away for her pre-Rose Ceremony meditation.
Then it's Rose Ceremony time! Harrison points out that the men have Feelings, and Feelings are Hard. He points out that it is only going to get worse. He giggles a little bit and then brings Ali in. There are nine roses to hand out and she best be hopping to it. First rose goes to Chris L., Flip Cup Champion of the World. Then Peculiar Jesse, who staked his claim last week, and Chris N., who we have not really seen before, followed by Tennessee Ty, who we have seen too much of, in my opinion. After an appropriately long and drama-building pause, Ali hands a rose to Kasey with the wired jaw and Craig R., who is beyond yucko. Frank gets his rose , followed by the weepy Weatherman. Then it is the Final Rose, and Harrison yawns and saunters out to say, "Final rose, yadda yadda yadda." Last rose goes to: Justin. Of course. Ali thanks him for showing that he would do anything to earn the rose, while Ty grits his teeth and Kasey slams his fist into his palm. Harrison encourages the men to hurry up and say farewell so he can sit down already. First to bid adieu is Steve who has a slight man-fro and easy tears. He packs up his ego and delicate hands, and heads home to Ohio. is over-eager John C. from Issaquah who has to go back to developing the one (maybe two) hotels to meet the needs of Issaquah, Washington. He blames Justin for his departure and not at all his lack of personality or the fact that he looks like a 12-year-old boy. After Ali toasts the future, we get some B-roll of Kirk and dearly departed John C. trying to catch a mouse in the house, because ABC requires them to serve as their own exterminators during their down time. It's a recession, people! Everyone has to work for a living. Sheesh.
Ooh looks like week, Kasey gets the Kwazies. Something to look forward to!
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Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is pretty sure the Barenaked Ladies are the first sign of the apocalypse. Or the first symptom of chlamydia. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.