Well, I hope you all had a nice week, even though I know that is completely impossible, because it was a week spent without Ali or any of her 17 suitors. I doubt any of you are taking Ali's search for love as seriously as I am, but don't worry! I have enough commitment to go around. I am so committed that I even watched the repeat show on Sunday (but mostly because now that Brothers & Sisters is on hiatus and my local church cancelled their evening services after God instructed the deacon to stay home and watch repeats of The Bachelorette, I have nothing better to do with my Sunday nights). I also made some flashcards with Ali's suitors' faces so I could keep all those presumably straight hunks straight. Then I checked out the DSM IV from the library and spent some time on the Mayo Clinic's website looking up the correct spelling and symptoms of all major STDs. I got an HPV shot just in case. Now I am prepared for Ali to start handing out some serious roses. In a strictly platonic sense, of course. Okay, fine, so long as she uses protection she can do whatever she wants. Except with that guy with lockjaw, because that's just unhealthy. I'm ready. Are you? So let's get started following the Path to Love!
Mr. Chris Harrison, who truly has one of the oddest jobs in the world (I mean, for real, why isn't Mike Rowe calling him up?), calls all the hopeful men into the holding pen and announces the week's agenda. Frankly, Harrison doesn't look like he gives much of a shit anymore. He didn't even bother tucking in his shirt. He walks in, hollers at the gents, announces a few rules (no rose on a date? you go home), makes the cursory mention of Ali's future husband, stifles a laugh, chucks an envelope on the table, doesn't bother opening it and saunters off to go roll around in money and wait for the round of cast-offs from The Bachelor to need comforting. On the agenda this week? First, backstabbing in the lounge, then light cuckolding poolside, followed up with a group date, and two single dates. The evening will wrap up with some undermining on the patio and perhaps some first-base action for one (or two! Heck, three!) lucky gents. Completely removing The Bachelorette from the clumsy and challenging prospect of choosing her own one-on-one date, the men open the envelope Harrison chucked at 'em and reveal that the card has Frank's name on it. Frank greets this unexpected event with an ear piercing chorus of "Yeah, baby!" and a round of high-fives from the less fortunate Johns and Seans and Juans in the crowd. He then reminds us that he is here for the right reasons, just in case we thought he was here to get out of his parents' basement for a stretch.
We finally get our first Ali sighting of the evening. And how does she greet us? By taking the first opportunity to remind us that she is a total prostitution whore and is dating 17 guys at once. Apparently for her that is something to write home about, or, you know, announce on national television (twice!) in case grandma had the volume turned down on the TV in the rec room at the nursing home and didn't hear it. Ali swears Frank is the perfect guy to go have fun-- oh wait, sorry: FUN with. When Ali stops by the house to pick up Frank, they both jump and giggle and show off their burgeoning... ew, no, too dirty: They show off their schoolyard romance in front of the seething mob of angry spurned bachelors. Frank and Ali make their escape before the men can ask the producers for pitchforks and torches. Parked outside is a bitchin' something or other vintage American convertible....that breaks down five miles into their Super Awesome Fun date. Wait... is this show sponsored by Triple A? Anyway, Ali panics like they are actually stuck on the side of the highway in Los Angeles and doesn't seem to remember that not only is there a cameraman IN THE CAR with them, but also apparently a helicopter is floating overhead filming them. I think you're going to be okay Ali! And, Frank? This is totally the time to go for second. Ali does her nana proud and makes a bold move to protect her greatest asset (that's her virginity, people -- and they are saving that for sweeps week) and she drags Frank out of the car and onto the highway to walk God knows where, completely abandoning the rental on the side of the road.
Luckily, this is a highway in Los Angeles, so none of the cars were actually moving on the highway and Frank and Ali's lives were safe, although they did get stopped by an immigration officer who thought they might be illegal immigrants what with all the walking on highways. Then Ali and Frank magically find a cab just sitting there to whatever freeway exit they ended up at and Ali directs the cabdriver to Hollywood, but doesn't give him a proper address. Since the cameras are rolling and the producer paid in advance, the cabbie doesn't berate them or chuck them out of the cab. Ali and Frank roll into Hollywood and people immediately swarm Ali asking for her autograph and grilling her about her date with Frank. Ali tells us that she can tell Frank is totally uncomfortable and possibly horrified and maybe wishing he had updated his tetanus shot, but is going along with all of it anyway. She really likes that about him. Damn, girl, does he like THAT about YOU? Like, way to be considerate.
Gosh, Ali and Frank are having sooo much fun on their date/ABC publicity stunt, let's leave them to it and go listen in on some braggodocio and backstabbing at the house. Who are the men picking on today? Still Justin. Much like an injured antelope on the Serengeti plains, Justin, who is both a professional wrestler (Canada division) and a gimp, is totally prime for plucking off and eating alive. Some random and chinless Craig is using his law school education to accuse Justin of not being honest. He has also apparently hidden Justin's crutches, so Justin can't leave while Craig berates him like a hostile witness in The Case of the Cocktail Party Lie. Justin defends himself by pointing out that he didn't lie to Ali, which is a pretty good point, but not for Craig R. who can't stomach the betrayal. BROS BEFORE HOS!
Ali and Frank break into Hugh Hefner's latest purchase -- the Hollywood Sign --and make out. Ah romance! Later, some poor production intern has thrust wads of cash at a tow truck and repair garage and has managed to get the convertible back on the road. In their luxe vintage wheels, Ali and Frank have driven to the top of a hill overlooking the city and are sitting on top of the car... canoodling. There is no other word for it. Also eating cupcakes. Possibly from Sprinkles. Ali tells Frank that he has all four of the qualities she's looking for in a man: funny, smart, quirky and then she sort of drifts off. I will assume the fourth is a unique ability to accessorize. Frank giggles about their chemistry, which I will take as a sign of Future Impending Non-Chemistry.
Back at the house, the names of the men attending the group date are announced. Jonathan, the tiny wittle weatherman from Texas, points out that he has to go on a group date with Craig a.k.a. Fake Dean McDermott, a Canadian dental salesman, who seems to harbor the dream of making Tori Spelling leave the real Dean McDermott and move to our neighbor to the north and sell dentures door-to-door with him. Also, wearing age-inappropriate hats and being a dick to everyone else on the show. All the men want to stab him in the hair (where it would really smart) as he seems to do nothing but wander through the house sowing seeds of discourse like a reality-television version of Eris (or the male version of Real Housewife Ramona Singer), pointing out everyone's deficiencies, follies of youth, ugly tattoos and much larger penises. Sadly, he gets dragged out of the kitchen before he can be punched out. Jonathan, a.k.a. The Weatherman, is very concerned about Fake Dean's potentially negative influence on poor, sweet, dressed-by-bluebirds Ali.
Meanwhile, Ali is not particularly concerned about Fake Dean, The Weatherman, or anyone else on the show because she is too busy shoving her tongue down Frank's throat and pretending her hand is appropriately placed for primetime. I'm not sure if she knows he lives in his parents' basement, because dealbreaker, right? Have you all seen The Entertainer on VH1? He has made an entire reality show career out of striving to get out of his parents' basement. Ali doesn't care, she gives Frank his rose, and they kiss like the cameras ain't there and grandma ain't watching.
I'm not sure where Ali has been cloistered for the duration of the show, but I bet the location is top-secret to prevent any attempts of a panty raid from the boys' camp. Anyway, it's group date day! Ali greets the men at a beach house in Malibu with a big surprise for the men: She's in love with Frank and they can all go home! Ha ha ha, no. Slightly less humiliating, they are making a Sexy Guy Calendar and are insisting on calling it that! But don't feel exploited, guys; it's for charity. Poor Justin is hopping up and down the beach on one leg with his crutches in hand, but no one offers any assistance. As the men get dressed for their photo shoot, they don their banana hammocks with all the style and grace of a fraternity of macho moose and horny hedgehogs. I don't know what that means either, but all the guys do is mock each other and pack their Speedos with socks when they think no one is looking. Jonathan the wittle weatherman makes a big whiny fuss about having to wear a Speedo in public because apparently he has a very small package and for some reason announcing THAT on national television is LESS embarrassing than just putting on the damn Speedo. He makes sure everyone knows he is embarrassed, and in front of Ali he begs wardrobe for, like, anything else to wear. Preferably something with a built-in codpiece or a blousy look that leaves a lot to the imagination. I guess Frank did not share the valuable lesson he learned on his date, namely Ali doesn't abide whiners.
Then the photo shoot starts, and Fake Dean shows the boys how it's done. ("It" being posing for the camera like a third-rate Canadian cigar catalogue model. "Blue Steel" it is not; maybe Blue Aluminum Foil, probably Blue Napkin.) Not that Ali notices, anyway. Ali joins a few lucky men in their photo shoots and basically plays cock tease for five hours, which I think is actually the point of the group date. The men all try to stroke her hair or sniff her without being called out as overtly creepy. They all struggle to make Ali notice they exist, but it only seems to work for the dickless weatherman and Tennessee Ty and his musical ears.
But wait! There's more! After the photo shoot on the beach, Ali gets to shove all the men into a stretch Hummer (what, you expected a Taurus wagon?) and take them on an intimate dinner date. Well, as intimate as a date with 12 men vying for your attention can be. Tennessee Ty take Ali out for a little alone time, because he really wants her to know that he was married before and totally failed at it, but came away with some valuable lessons, a sad song in his heart, and alimony payments up the wazoo, leaving him without enough money for an ear-pinning operation. Ali smiles like this is not at all unsettling. Before Ty can whip up some tears to show he is tender and also serious, The Weatherman interrupts. He wants some alone time with Ali, but mostly because he wants to be both patronizing and paternalistic and tell Ali that Fake Dean is a Category 6 asshole. Don't laugh, he IS a weatherman and can only think in weather analogies. Ali hugs him for his Caring, but, dude, way to waste your only alone time talking about Fake Dean. You could have been writing weather haiku or showing her your johnson so she knows you're not completely built like a Ken doll. Also, man up and tell her the guy's a dick and you hate him. But don't make this about not wanting HER to get hurt. Outside, Fake Dean proves he is indeed a Category 6 asshole and harasses The Weatherman mercilessly about his tiny legs and wee little hands.
Back at the house, the guys who didn't get invited on a date (and Frank) get a delivery. It's a pair of cufflinks with the initials JB, which belong to Peculiar Jesse who undoubtedly does not own a French cuff shirt, as the only suit he owns he picked up at the Men's Wearhouse at the Missouri airport on the way to the show. Regardless, he's excited. Back at the group date, Rated R Justin has hobbled all the way to the basement to try and get some alone time with Ali. What is with the producers on this show? They are doing nothing to help this guy out. I mean, this is the closest the show has ever come to featuring someone with disabilities or complying with the Americans with Disabilities Act, and Justin is Canadian and only temporarily on crutches, and they STILL can't make any concessions to help a bro out. Hop down the beach! Hop down the stairs! Hop back up the beach! Jump, little gimp, jump!
Anyway. Ali swears she knows Justin is Rated R in all the right ways and sees he has a good heart and a kick ass half-Nelson. Justin hobbles back upstairs and everyone glares at him. Ali ends up giving her special date rose to Tennessee Ty for being so honest about his shortcomings. Or at least because his shortcomings aren't in his pants. Then, in an odd editing choice, Jonathan comes on and explains that if Ali keeps Fake Dean around, he is going home, because that is a Big Sign. And you know what? That may be the smartest thing anyone has said on this show.
The day, Ali is super excited about her date with Peculiar Jesse because he is "hot." She doesn't know anything else about him except that he is from Peculiar, Missouri and possibly works for the Chamber of Commerce. Ali is taking Jesse to Vegas on a private jet, which is a big deal for the small-town boy, but also for Ali, who is apparently terrified of flying. The fact that she is scared shitless by flying kind of ruins the illusion they are thrusting on us that she "chose" this date. Maybe on her date she'll "choose" to be covered in spiders, whipped with live cobras, and to sit in the audience of Emeril Live. She survives the flight, and she and Jesse hop into the red convertible Ferrari parked on the runway. They drive to a hotel and hit the pool and then roll around in the water in the bathing suits. Peculiar Jesse is going to have a lot to explain to the folks back in Missouri. Like private jets and Italian sports cars and pre-marital sex and what a nice boy like him is doing in Sin City.
Somebody took pity on Jesse and bought him a better suit and a shirt that requires cufflinks and not snaps, which is a big step for him. Jesse finds Ali in a luxury suite. They spend a lot of time hugging, but Ali confesses that while she knows Jesse is a really nice guy, she needs to make sure that they have a real connection. She wants love, not loins. Jesse flat-out asks for the rose, which doesn't seem particularly polite. They hug some more. Hey, do you wonder how things are going back at the man brothel? Me neither, but they show us anyway: Fake Dean is full-on torturing The Weatherman. This is clearly strategic on Fake Dean's part, because if the house turns into a sort of Lord of the Flies situation, he wants to make sure everyone knows who is Piggy and who is not. Back on the real date, Ali ruins any sense of suspense and gives Jesse his rose. Then they go to some closed-down club and are serenaded by a singer-songwriter who is reminiscent of a poor man's Elton John... er, make that a poor man's Ben Folds... er, make that male Vanessa Carlton. Whoever he is, I bet Perez Hilton really likes him. Anyway, some guy who probably sadly thinks this is some sort of career-making moment plays the couple a song so they can dance. Alone in a closed club. That's not my idea of fun; in fact it just seems pretty damn awkward. I'm sure alcohol helps alleviate that. Hope Jesse's not from a dry county!
The night it's time for the second cocktail party, which greases the wheels for the Rose Ceremony. Frank, Ty and Jesse are sitting pretty with their roses neatly tucked into their lapels. Ali drags Chris L. (the Cape Cod landscaper with the dead mom) away for some quality time, and he manages to come across as a stand-up guy without too many issues. Well, enough issues to look for a wife on a reality show, but otherwise just peachy. Ali then talks to Roberto, who swept her off her feet last week, but didn't get invited on any dates this week. So when he gets her alone, he immediately tells her that he is a baseball player who was drafted by both the Rockies and the Twins. Obviously this makes any girl's ovaries jump for joy and start thinking of being an MLB wife and dreaming of starring in some future incarnation of the Real Housewives. Ali and Roberto play catch on the lawn, but he only gets to first base. Then Ali chats briefly with lockjawed Kasey who can't move his mouth so I won't mock him, but they only get a few moments together before Frank swoops in to reclaim his woman. He admits to Ali that he left the date feeling like she was HIS girlfriend and now he is going to have to pee in a territorial circle to ward off her other suitors. Instead of using urine, he makes out with her in full view of all the other guys, which is actually probably more effective.
Inside the house, Fake Dean is STILL harassing The Weatherman, who is not quite smart enough to walk away, but has no qualms about using the confessional as his personal soapbox to speak the Truth about Fake Dean and to mention in passing his martial arts skills, but don't worry, he doesn't WANT to hit anyone. Ali comes in, and Fake Dean asks if she wants to step out and she says no, she wants to talk to The Weatherman. Aw, snap! Jonathan's jonathan grows about five inches at that and he follows Ali outside. And then ONCE AGAIN he spends all his alone time dissing Fake Dean. Jonathan! Show her your pecker! She has doubts! To prove that The Weatherman is not alone in his dislike of Fake Dean, the camera catches two other guys talking about the walking, mocking box of De-Con that is Fake Dean. Ali decides to take matters into her own hands and takes Fake Dean out for a talk. Don't worry, gents, Fake Dean tanks all on his own! He is so awkward and uncomfortable sitting to Ali that she has no choice but to demand to know whether he actually likes her. He sniffs that she's no Tori Spelling, but she'll do. Ali tells him that people told her he was "dangerous," so he calls a scrum and for some reason all the guys obey him and he orders the bachelors to tell him who called him names. He knows it was The Weatherman, but everyone else has to sit there awkwardly while Fake Dean and The Weatherman duke it out. No one jumps in to defend or help or do anything, because no one but Fake Dean and The Weatherman care.
Time for the Rose Ceremony, but before she can possibly decide who is a bag of dicks and who is marriage material, Ali has to spend some requisite quality time with the Glamour Shots of all her suitor options. Finally she has made a decision. She strolls out into the Rose Room where her men are waiting. Her first rose goes to lockjawed Kasey who must have gotten something out of his wired mouth before Frank interrupted him. Ali then chooses Hunter, and since I have no idea who that is, I have no comment. is Roberto and his MLB gene pool potential. Then it's Chris L. the Cape Cod landscaper. After an appropriate interlude of pondering, Justin gets his rose and crutches up to accept. A few more stanzas and then some guy named Steve gets his rose. The expectant bachelors wait a few more beats and then Kirk's name is called. Then a guy named Chauncey (CHAUNCEY?) who I have NEVER seen and probably an intern who just came out of the bathroom and accidentally wandered on stage or something gets called. Then the annoying lawyer who berated Justin for no apparent reason and has no noticeable personality (or chin) is up. Chris N. is called and then suddenly it is the last rose. Please note that neither The Weatherman nor Fake Dean nor a guy who seems to have wrestled a bear between this episode and last has been called up.
Ali waits a long time and finally calls up The Weatherman. She gives him a rose for his dutiful and loyal service, but notes that he will never ever be getting any action ever at all.
Apparent bear wrestler, Tyler V for Vermont, is shocked (Shocked!) that he is going home. But it's probably the head injury talking. As Fake Dean makes his departure, The Weatherman tries not to fully gloat. Tries, fails, gloats. Fake Dean goes home to play with his Dean McDermott dolls and jerk off while watching Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood. Too much? No. Not nearly enough. The guy is creepy and hostile and has weird hair and a chip on his shoulder and REALLY WANTS TO BE DEAN McDERMOTT. That is frightening.
Know what we have to look forward to week? The Barenaked Ladies. Not Ali, but the band. Why do I think Jason Priestly is behind this? What has he been doing lately? Jack shit, probably. Sigh.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see our list of last season's worst moments!
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is pretty sure the Barenaked Ladies are the first sign of the apocalypse. Or the first symptom of chlamydia. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
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