Are there really this many people in the studio audience who are non-ironically happy to be at After the Final Rose? I wonder how many of them were ashamed to tell friends and family where they were going tonight. Probably a lot.
Your host, Chris Harrison, makes some noise about how this is the most whatever season with the most something finale in recorded history, as he usually does, and then he says all of the principal culprits from last night will be here to talk about it, only by "here" he means "on this show" and not "before a tribunal investigating televised crimes against humanity."
And then it looks like we're starting off with yet another edition of Molly and Jason are So Happy and That's the Most Important Thing so Suck It, Haters, and Harrison lies to us and says they're "planning a wedding," which really only means that they haven't broken up yet.
And then Melissa comes out to tell her story, and her hair is super long, and she looks different, somehow, like a human version of when a record sounds overproduced, you know? She looks a few years older, instead of a few months. She's less freckly. I like freckles! And Melissa seems surprised that the audience remembers her, and it seems like a lot of the audience might think about nothing other than the various people on this show. Harrison says you can't fall from their "good graces" that quickly, and the reality is these people would applaud Hitler if Hitler had been a contestant on this show.
And then we watch the whole breakup, which we should all be happy to watch, because as Mesnick reminded us last week, this is actually how he made Melissa happy. The little picture-in-picture seems to suggest that Melissa's still not too impressed.
Harrison asks her what it's like watching that, and she says it seems like "forever ago." Her teeth have definitely been done. She's got two rows of bright white Chiclets. And then Harrison says "Dancing With the Stars" and everyone applauds, and then she says "incredible journey." Harrison says he visited her on the set of that show several times, and met a friend of hers, Ty, who is more than a friend now -- they're actually engaged. "What's for you?" asks Harrison. Melissa says the "sky's the limit," instead of "I'm running out of reality shows to go on, so probably obscurity." Harrison prods Melissa into saying that Jason did the right thing, and Melissa looks like maybe the producers have her parents at gunpoint backstage as she says, "yes."
And then here comes Kiptyn to tell his side of the story, which we're all dying to hear. We watch a montage of Kiptyn's time with Jillian, which seems even more pointless and boring than it did at the time, which was not insignificant in the first place, and then we watch Jillian kicking his ass out at Proposal Point, whimpering as she does so. "Still knock the wind out of you a little bit?" asks Harrison. Kiptyn says watching that again reminds him of it, or something like that. He says it was crushing to go from what he thought was going to be the "start" of them to the "end" of them. He says his heart just dropped when her facial expression changed (to when she looked like she was constipated).
He hasn't seen or talked to Jillian since then, and Harrison asks if he's ready to do it now, and Kiptyn laughs, and says he still has love for her, so he'd love to, and then then out comes Jillian, and they hug, and she says he looks awesome.
Kiptyn babbles on about talking about feelings or some such, and then he asks what he did wrong, and Jillian says while she sometimes fished around for his feelings, he didn't do anything wrong. Harrison asks if there's anything he would have done differently, and Kiptyn says no, even though HE DIDN'T WIN, and then Jillian talks about what an awesome guy he is or whatever. Harrison asks if Jillian knew that Kiptyn had a ring, and Jillian says she didn't until they were walking away and he touched his jacket pocket. "I was looking for my heart," jokes Kiptyn and everyone laughs, and I think that's been two hours of this already, so this must be over, right? ... Sixteen minutes? God DAMMIT.
And then out comes Reid, who is dressed nicer than he was when he proposed to Jillian. "Mr. Popularity," says Harrison after the raucous applause for Reid. "We have a lot to talk about," says Harrison, which is a huge load of crap, given that we have time to watch a recap of what we saw JUST LAST NIGHT. Harrison asks what emotions are going through his mind, and Reid talks about being "denied twice" and he says he should have said he loved her after dinner in Maui, but he felt the emotion wasn't there. Harrison asks if he wants to kick himself for not just saying it, and Reid's all, "Well, DUH, that's why I went back."
Harrison asks him why he went back, given that there was such a huge risk. What risk was there? Reid says it took some convincing the producers that he was serious, because lord knows the producers of this show only want people who are 100% wanting to get married, right? Reid sort of arrogantly says he didn't think he had that much competition. He figured that Jillian was just waiting around for him to come back and say that he loved her.
Harrison asks when he knew that Jillian wasn't going to accept his proposal, and Reid says "That's a good question," and I didn't think it was a particularly hard question, but Reid doesn't actually know. And then Harrison asks if he feels like a little piece of him is missing, and Reid takes forever to say yes, and Harrison's all, "You loved her that much?" and he says yes, and two dingbats in the audience make "awww" faces at each other.
He says he's scared to talk to Jillian, by which I presume he means he's worried she's going to blubber and talk at him in her raspy emotional voice that drives me nuts.
And then, after a commercial break, Jillian comes out, as Harrison just threatened. Jillian nervously says that she's nervous to see him. "You look happy," says Reid, and Jillian says it's been a weird day, and she's missed everybody so much (she missed her old boyfriends so much?). Reid asks if, when he came back, was there a part of her that wanted to say yes to his proposal. And even though the answer should be, "No, not really," Jillian talks for about ten minutes about how this is so emotional, and it's not fake, and I hate to tell Jillian that just because she's not reading from a script, doesn't mean that this is not fake.
Reid says he could say a lot of things, and Jillian says "This is our chance," because apparently they are forbidden from speaking to each other except for when cameras are on, and Reid's very close-mouthed about it, and Jillian acts all upset about it, and Reid admits to still loving her, and then she babbles about how she doesn't want him to hurt, and she's glad she met him, and apparently she thinks he should be rooting for her. Harrison asks what Reid's thoughts are, after sitting there listening to her talk (prattle) on about her emotions. The only correct response is "I wish I were deaf," but Reid asks if it would have made a difference if he told her how he felt earlier (although didn't he just say that earlier he didn't feel the emotion was there?) and Jillian babbles on about how she feels that she's with the person she's supposed to be with.
Reid hesitates and then says it's not right to ask the other question he was going to, and Jillian encourages him, and then he says it's about the fantasy suite, which I guess shut Jillian up very quickly, and it's going to detract from the supposed romance of her happiness with Ed if she gets interrogated about having sex with the other bachelors.
Oh, GOD, no audience questions! Some delicate thing giggles out "Hi, Reid," and laughs for five minutes, and Harrison gives a rose to give her, and he pins it on his own lapel, because he's in love with himself, and then she actually asks him out, and Reid says, "How old are you?" and everyone laughs, and then he admits that he hasn't started dating yet, because it's too soon.
After a commercial break, Jillian is showing off her ring, because she's been engaged for two months but hasn't been able to show off the ring, like how annoying are women for whom the ring seems to be the only reason to get engaged. Then she babbles on about how being on this show has made her relationship with Ed stronger, which is something contestants like to say a lot, and I have to point out what a load of bullshit that is, given that Trista and Ryan are still the only couple to actually get married.
And then Harrison is asking Jillian about her "Ed better not fucking disappoint me" comment, and she seems somewhat embarrassed about how not classy it is to swear right before getting engaged, and I would argue that taking a few guys for a sexual test drive ought to be more embarrassing to her, but that's just me. Harrison asks if she thought Ed might not propose. Jillian says she did. "What if he says, 'I changed my mind'?" she said. Well, that would be the most precedented finale in Bachelorette history.
And then Ed comes out to thunderous applause, and they hug and kiss, and Jillian squeals, then the two of them talk about what a relief it is to be able to be public with their relationship now.
Harrison asks Ed if he's glad he decided to take a chance on Jillian instead of on his career. Real hardball interview Harrison's got going on here. Ed says he figured out in Spain that he was going to propose, and he reminds everyone that he was the only one who got to hang out in the fantasy suite that time, and I hate to tell hiim that it was his unsuccessful visit to the fantasy suite that everyone will remember.
Harrison asks Jillian if the proposal lived up to her dreams, and Jillian says she was going to pass out. And then Ed is talking now about being nervous, and then Harrison says Jillian is beaming and she says it's because she's so happy, and then she and Ed start doing it right there on the couch.
So then what are the future plans? Hopefully they include fading into obscurity. Apparently, Jillian's moving to Chicago in September, and Harrison asks if they're worried about the transition, and Ed talks about how they've only spent five days apart and Jillian burbles about what a great team they are, and Harrison presses for a wedding date, and Jillian seems to want to know, too, and Ed says they're "certainly probably" going to get married in the 12 months. Well, I'll believe it when I see it. Everyone claps. "We love each other, we have fun with each other, and yeah, like 'take it slow.' Why? We haven't taken it slow from the start," says Jillian, because yeah, The Bachelorette method is a sure-fire way to enjoy a long and happy marriage.
And then it is time for more questions from audience members who need to be told that they don't actually know Ed and Jillian and are not going to be friends with them. One woman asks about Ed's "mankini" shorts, and everyone makes fun of them except for Jillian, who defends them because she loves Ed's awesome package, is the sense I get. And then another woman comes up who can tell that they're obviously in love, and she wants to know if everything's working out in the bedroom now. Jillian's all "Definitely no problems in the bedroom," except that they "can't get enough" in the bedroom, and that's the point my eyeballs ruptured and I projectile-vomited all over the television, so I think that's just about enough After the Final Rose for me. If anyone needs me, I'll be in therapy.
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