Yay! The season finale of The Bachelorette is like Christmas, my birthday, and Father's Day all wrapped up into one! Oh, it's going to be tough to get through tonight, though. Jillian talks about her "journey" in these glowing terms, like she's been through so much on this idiotic television show. She says she's "slayed enough dragons" because sending douchebags home because you don't love them and/or they don't love you is super hard work.
She has a date with Ed, and I'm sure he loves that she has to mention again that he couldn't perform. Then again, he has to talk about it with her and us, and I'm so glad that these two think there's nothing more we want to hear about than Ed's erectile dysfunction, for god's sake. Have a little dignity, please.
So Ed goes to meet Jillian's family, cousin Tori, grandma Marjorie, father Glen and mom Peggy. She hopes they see how crazy she is about Ed. Peggy tells us that it's more difficult this time after what Jillian went through with Jason. "We're talking about a decision that could affect Jillian's life." For the rest of us non-televised people, marriage decisions are not nearly as important.
Jillian's grandmother calls Ed "terrifically good-looking," and then Ed stammers out a bunch of vague sentences about not wanting to sacrifice his career to be here, so he left, and then he couldn't stop thinking about Jillian. "It was driving me insane," he says, so he called the producers and said they had to get him back there. And since this show is nothing if not manufactured drama, the producers of course agreed. Ed's confident that Jillian's parents will be happy that he came back for Jillian.
He sits down with Peggy, who says she's not going to do with him what she did with Jason, which was ask him seventy-six questions; she's only got sixty-six questions for Ed. Hilarious. Well, I guess we know where Jillian gets her sense of humor from. First question, in barely concealed anxious-mom style, is whether Ed wants children. "I would love to have, you know, three kids at least," says Ed. She asks what the glue is between Jillian and him that will, I don't know, cement them forever. He says something about honesty and love, and working to make marriages happen, which is a whole other "dimension," like WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT AT THIS POINT? He's happy with how things went.
Jillian talks to her mom about how she's not worried about how Ed feels about her, and I had to look up because I was surprised to see she was talking to someone and not the camera, and how sad is it that she can't be normal with her own family anymore and has to talk in this weird over-explaining way with her own MOTHER for God's sake. She says she's not only not scared about a proposal, but she can't wait. Peggy talks about a glow about her, and says she thinks Ed's crazy about her. "I think he would make it work."
Outside, Ed is telling Jillian's dad that he's crazy about her and will do whatever it takes to make it work. He asks Glen what he thinks if Ed were to ask Jillian to marry him. Glen thinks about it and says he likes what he sees and he'd be "doing somersaults" if Ed did that. "I'm ready for my daughter to get married," says Glen. Ed tells us it was a huge step for him to talk about marriage with Jillian's daughter.
Then there is some inanity with all of these people in grass skirts and coconut bras hamming it up for the cameras, and it was supposed to be funny but instead it just feels like when you're on an airplane and it just suddenly drops a thousand feet.
Jillian says yesterday it felt like she was with her fiancée, and then she woke up today and realized she has to do it all over again with Kiptyn. Yeah, we know this is fucked up, Jillian. YOU don't. Yeah, I know that when I was engaged, I met some other chick and made out with her for a while the day and invited her to meet my family, and then made out with her some more.
So then the family is there, and they weirdly act again like they haven't seen Jillian for weeks, even though it was just yesterday. Jillian explains that Kiptyn was "the first guy out of the limo" which is a ringing endorsement, and then Kiptyn talks about being nervous. Jillian says bringing Kiptyn home to meet her family is like "the cherry on top" whatever that is supposed to mean. She knows if he aces this, she'll definitely be able to marry him. She's so much more effusive about Ed, it's not even close.
Anyway, Kiptyn goes to sit down with Jillian's mom, who asks him a bunch of the same questions. Kiptyn doesn't know how many kids he wants, he goes out on a limb and says he thinks communication is very important, and makes all the right noises about wanting to marry your best friend. Peggy tells us that she thinks Kiptyn and Jillian have the same kind of energy.
Jillian asks her grandmother what she thinks about Kiptyn, and her grandmother says she's "overwhelmed," and I think that means, "I could have sworn we met Jillian's fiancée yesterday," and then Jillian's cousin, who's rather a knockout herself, says something about Kiptyn not letting his work overwhelm his life or whatever.
Outside, Glen asks Kiptyn is if he's in love with Jillian. "I'm getting there a lot quicker than I thought I would," stammers Kiptyn, and then he talks about Jillian's "zest for life" and she makes him better, and he hopes to make him better, and he wants to get married and start a family and he can "see" himself with Jillian, and blah blah blah, and all of that isn't the same as saying "yes," which is the same as saying "no."
Jillian thinks the day went well, like her boyfriend met the family. Ah, but yesterday you were with your fiancée. Outside, they make out, and then Kiptyn asks when he sees her , and she says "soon. Very soon." And then Jillian lies to us for dramatic purposes and says she's in love with two guys, and she needs to make some decisions.
And then Jillian sits down with her family to find out what they think of the two guys. Tori thinks Ed is well-rounded and good-looking, and more work-oriented, and Kiptyn has a unique love of people and life, and both of those things remind her of Jillian. Peggy says "here for the right reasons" so I'm done with Peggy. Glen says both of them are true gentlemen, but Ed told him that he loved Jillian and asked Glen if he could marry her. "I felt very comfortable with how sincere he was when he said it," says Glen. Jillian asks if they think Kiptyn is falling in love with her but more cautious. Because her family would know better than Jillian would, based on one visit, right. Glen says he thought Ed was "deeper" and Tori busts on him for talking so much about Ed.
So then Jillian pulls Tori outside for some "girl talk" about talks about how she fucked Kiptyn but that she's worried because with Ed, not so much with the fucking (basically). She doesn't know what to do, and she tells us that she wishes she'd get a sign from God, like lightning to strike her. So we agree on something!
There's Ed, talking about his last opportunity to tell Jillian how he feels about her (i.e. have sex with her). Jillian pulls up in a jeep, and they drive off and get cutesy about how beautiful they both are. So they drive to a helicopter, like how many goddamn helicopter rides can we see in one season, like I feel like I'm watching Airwolf at this point. And then they go around and ironically look at eruptions and steam spewing out of holes, and Ed tells us that things were heating up in the helicopter, because Ed is ALL MAN, you guys.
Then they land the helicopter and hike to a "secluded spot" and I hate to tell Jillian that when there is a boardwalk with railings built into the forest, and a hut with a full meal service, it's not that secluded. (And a camera crew! That's totally secluded. -- Angel) They make out and go eat and then Ed talks about how hard it is for him to open up, and then he says she could be one of his best guy friends and also someone he could spend the rest of his life with. Then he calls her a genius, which surprises her (and everyone) and his only evidence is that she's kept him around, and all I can say at this point is that these two pinheads totally deserve each other. They make out and he says he would not leave again, and then they go swimming in a nearby lake. Ed tells us for the eighty millionth time that he's crazy about Jillian, but there's all this pressure on him because of how their last date went. He asks her if she'd like to come back to his place, and she says yes, but she tells us that she's worried that the stress will affect him like last time. Hang on, let me get some Gravol.
So, OK: they lie on a bed and cuddle, and he tells her that he wants to be with her forever and he hopes she wants to be with him, and then they are making out, and I think the upbeat music is supposed to signify "boner" and Jillian says the "physical, sexual chemistry" is still there, and it was a relief, and we go to commercial with the extra-classy shot of a volcano spewing lava.
So, as for Jillian's other current sexual partner and hopeful fiancée, Kiptyn says he's "falling in love with her" and she needs to know that. He's on a dock, and Jillian rides up in a Zodiac and asks if he's ready to go for a cruise, and he gets on the boat and they make out. Mmmm. Tastes like Ed! Then they paddle into shore one a surfboard with a picnic basket. He tells us all about how perfect it is to be with her, and she tells us it's amazing to be with him. "Kiptyn is absolutely the best catch I've ever met in my entire life," she says, adding that if his feelings for her are as strong as hers are for him, the "sky's the limit." Kiptyn says "perfect" again, while we watch them cuddle on the surfboard out in the surf. He tells us tonight is important because it's his last chance to tell Jillian how he feels.
So she shows up in his hotel room, and he tells us he's excited to sit down with Jillian and "put it all out there." And he tells her that it would hurt a lot to lose her tomorrow. "I really do see a future for us. Not a month, or two months, but years. A lifetime," he says, adding he wants marriage, and he "can" see himself with her, and he's "falling in love" with her, so this is your classic "I'm not in love with you and I don't want to propose tomorrow but I want to win this thing" speech, and Jillian's over the moon over it, but this is the same woman who was enthralled by "Loooove, it don't come eeeasy," remember. Jillian says she seriously thinks she's in a fairytale right now. Like all the fairytales you see on The Jerry Springer Show.
After commercial, we see some gorgeous shots of Hawaii, utterly defiled by this show's very presence, and it's time for some traditional balcony reflections, with Jillian talking about Kiptyn being the perfect package, and she loves Ed's aura and energy, and is also relieved he can actually get it up. "I'm scared to send somebody home today, knowing that both guys here would fit into my life beautifully, and I would fit into theirs," she says, and meanwhile we're watching endless shots of Jillian Pondering, Jillian Writing, Jillian Staring, Jillian Strolling.
And then Kiptyn talks about how this is something he definitely wants, and then he goes to see a jeweler who lies and says that he designed all the rings with Jillian in mind, and there are like four rings there, so I guess he'll throw out all the ones that don't wind up on Jillian's finger, given that they were designed for her. Kiptyn says he's the luckiest man on earth because he gets to propose to a woman in the hopes she'll select him instead of the other man she's currently having sex with. Then he gets so excited it's time for some shirtless running on the beach. "I'm making a commitment to Jillian to make her the happiest woman alive, to be there for her every day, and that's a promise I wanna stand by," he says, which doesn't sound like, "I'm going to ask Jillian to marry me" to me.
Then there's Ed, who makes the long trek up the stairs to pick out one of the extra-Jillian-special rings. It was nerve-racking but exciting, he tells us. He says it's the last step in showing her he loves her. "I want to make Jillian happy for the rest of her life. I think I can do that, and I hope she makes the right choice," he says.
The various thimblebrains get ready for this travesty to be over, with Kiptyn and Ed talking about how hard it would be to lose Jillian, and then it looks like Jillian is already in her dress and it looks like she's been crying as she talks about how hard today is going to be. "I don't know how my heart is going to be able to hold up, when I have to put one guy in that car and send him home, knowing that I am crazy about him," she says.
Back to Kiptyn, who blah blah blahs some more while he gets dressed, and Ed does the same. Jillian lays out her dress and talks about her "incredible journey" again, and then the guys are blah blah blahing, and then there is a limo ride, and Jillian says some stuff about love, and Kiptyn says today is a beginning not an end, like OH NO, THIS IS THE GODDAMN END, I PROMISE YOU, and then Ed informs us that marriage is a huge decision, because what institution treats marriage more seriously than The Bachelorette?
And then Harrison is welcoming Jillian out of the limo and telling her not to be so nervous, because she knows what she wants, and then she strolls along a boardwalk across a pool to take her place at Proposal Point, surrounded by flowers. "I am here looking for the person to spend the rest of my life with. I have so much love to give. It's real, honest, true, unconditional," she says, adding that normally she'd be scared, but she's confident that she's found the person to take a "leap of faith" with.
Jillian says it's weird to think today will be one of the very best days of her life, which makes me feel really sorry for Jillian. Anyway, the limousine pulls up, and first out is Kiptyn. Harrison welcomes him and leads him through the lobby or whatever and Kiptyn says being around Jillian is "a buzz," which had me laughing so hard I didn't hear the rest.
He goes out and joins Jillian on Proposal Point, and then he just starts babbling on about all the awesome things they've done, and he's excited, and he wants to have kids and get married and he thinks he'd be the luckiest man to have that. "I love you. And I want to spend this life with you," he says. Uh, is that a proposal? Jillian looks pained. Uh-oh. And then she talks about how he's so awesome and is everything she's looked for. Only "emotionally it's been slower," and then she admits she's fallen in love with someone else. I guess that must have just happened, because up until now she's been saying she's in love with two guys. Kiptyn says it hurts a lot, but he tells her that he wants her to be happy. He hugs her. She cries and says she's sorry. Well, she should be! After all, he wants marriage and definitely could see her being the one that he might consider falling in love with! He says Ed's a lucky man.
She walks him down the walkway and out into the limousine, and he drives off. He reaches into his jacket for the ring that he DIDN'T ACTUALLY PROPOSE WITH and he says he didn't pull out the ring, because he thought she was going to say something after he babbled on forever about how awesome their dates were, or something. Oh, and also he wasn't ready to propose, but has been pressured into it by this show. (Well, he didn't really say that.)
Jillian tells us that telling Kiptyn goodbye was excruciating. I agree! She talks about how crazy she was about Kiptyn from day one, and Kiptyn will make some girl very happy someday. And Kiptyn is still talking in the limousine. Relax, guy. You're the twenty-ninth guy to get rejected this season. He says something about getting his heart broken, and he rubs his face really hard.
Almost done. Almost done. Almost done.
Jillian gets over Kiptyn really quickly because here comes Ed! She says it's weird to think that in a few short minutes Ed could be walking down that path and she could be engaged. And then pulling up at Proposal Point is a ... taxi? Well, it's no secret if you watched last week's previews: Reid gets out, and he tells us he had to pull a lot of strings to get here. You can tell how important this is to him, what with him not bothering to wear a shirt that you TUCK IN or shoes that AREN'T SNEAKERS. Harrison says he knows Reid has a lot to say to Jillian, but he doesn't have a lot of time because Ed's on his way.
Reid explains that when he got back to Philadelphia he said to himself, "What did I just do?" Um, you took a plane home when you were kicked off the show by Jillian? Isn't that how this show works? He says he knows Jillian will be surprised to see him. Yeah, since she REJECTED HIM, after all, and his plan is to propose to her.
Yeah, Jillian's surprised. She covers her mouth with her hands and then whimpers a little when he ambles up and hugs her. He says he had to come back, and he had to pull "a million strings" to do it, which I highly doubt. This isn't, you know, getting your kid into the prestigious private school. You know you just called the producer, Reid.
He says every second when he went home was painful because he was idiot. He says he sabotaged himself by not telling her how he felt. "So I came back to tell you that, and tell you that I love you, and hopefully you feel the same way," he tells her. They hug some more, and she says she doesn't know what to do. She tells him that letting him go was the hardest thing to do for her, and she was falling in love with him, and she cried the whole night, and she missed everything they had. But you're in love with Ed now, right?
She says their connection is "undescribable," and when she let him go it was because he couldn't tell her how he felt. "You were so unsure," she says. He says that when she sent him away, everything became really clear. And they hug some more, like could we MOVE THIS ALONG PLEASE? Dear God, I'd love to see Ed pull up and start punching Reid. Reid says something connection, and how maybe it's meant to be, and then they HUG SOME MORE. "Oh, god, babe, I don't even know what to do," she says, asking if he knows what's going on right now, and of course he does, and he should point out that it doesn't seem to matter what Jillian wants, because guys just have to call up the producers to keep getting their asses back on this show, it seems. He says it was all wrong that this is going on without him here. And then he gets down on one knee. "Jillian, I love you, and you're somebody I could spend the rest of my life with." Aw, how "sweet." She makes him stand back up, and they embrace.
She says she missed him, but she needs to think about this. "What is there to think about?" he says, kind of douchily, and she points out that she was getting ready to think about spending the rest of her life with someone else. Oh, but don't worry, that doesn't mean she's forgotten everything they had. Well, if you're as in love with Ed as you say, shouldn't that mean you've forgotten Reid? Eventually she says she needs to think about this, and asks her to wait for him.
So she goes inside to wait, and Reid hangs out in Proposal Point. Jillian says part of her feels like she's in a dream, because for so long she wanted Reid to say he loved her, and now he wants to sweep her off her feet. "My head is spinning right now," she says. Here's hoping Ed doesn't get confused and walks outside and winds up proposing to Reid. Is that even legal in Hawaii?
After the commercial, Jillian talks about all the ups and downs she's been through, and she wishes there were more time. Well, there is, Jillian. This show isn't legally binding or anything. Harrison comes out to ask her what her gut's telling her. He reminds her that it's still her decision. Really? Like when she decided last week to send Reid home and the show didn't honor that? He asks if she's still in love with Reid. "Still"? She asks how someone is supposed to make a decision like this. NOT WITH CAMERAS IN THEIR FACES, THAT'S HOW.
Harrison asks if she's excited about the prospect of Ed showing up and getting down on one knee and proposing. She says yes. Harrison asks if she's love with Ed and wants him to be her husband. She says yes. Harrison politely says "Then there's no question" instead of "Well, then I think the answer's fairly fucking obvious, Jillian." She just hates to be the bad guy. She says just looking at Reid, she feels bad, and she would do anything to make his dreams come true. Except marry him, I suppose.
She goes back and haltingly says, despite just now confirming how much she loves Ed, that she doesn't know what to think, and she talks about their connection, and she's all teary-eyed again, and this is all for show, and I can't wait for this show to be over I HATE IT SO MUCH, and she tells Reid that she's fallen in love with someone else. "I don't know what to say," says Reid. How about "goodbye"? Try that one on, see how it fits. They stand there holding each other, and Jillian tells him she's crazy about him and loves being with him. You know, all the stuff you hope your fiancée has said to another guy (or, in this case TWO other guys) on the day you propose to her. And then they hug some more, and Jillian is crying, and then they stand there looking at each other, and after two hours Jillian says, "Let's go," and they walk down the pathway, she in a nice dress and he in sneakers.
Reid says it doesn't make sense to him. Yeah, I can't believe she's rejecting you just a couple of days AFTER SHE REJECTED YOU THE FIRST TIME, REID. She tells him it's not easy. Again? Really, it should be. Hmm, let's see: the day I plan to propose to my girlfriend, I get a visit from someone I dated briefly, and she wants to marry me instead. Yep, I think it's easy to say no in that situation. Then I think Reid says he's better than the other guys. And then they hug some more, like GET LOST ALREADY, REID, and Jillian THANKS him for doing this, because she's just that spineless, and they stare at each other, and she puts him back in his taxi, and the piano music is much too emotional for the stupidity of this whole scene. He should be, like, someone playing a kazoo and a tuba and a trumpet going "wah-waaaaahhhh."