There are still thirteen guys left in the house, which is thirteen too many. I mean, the bunkhouse should be vacated and then bulldozed, kind of the way they do to houses after it's discovered that a serial killer lived there, you know? Give a boost to the healing process.
But it's not going to happen this week. Chris Harrison visits the house to let the douchebags know that there are three dates: group date, one on one, and two on one date. "This could be kinda rough," says Harrison, explaining that of the two guys on the two-on-one, only one will be coming home. Oh, and there's a problem with the dates: Jillian's left town. That's a problem? Oh, she's just gone to Vancouver, which is where the guys are going to go. All the guys act really excited to go to Canada, which one guy spells C-A-N-A-A-D-A, so let's hope whoever that was gets shot and killed by border agents.
Kiptyn says he's excited to go to Vancouver and "get this party started." Dave says he hopes to get a one on one date, which is probably where he can best showcase his beady, bloodshot eyes, in case Jillian digs that kind of thing. Ed figures they all have to step up their game.
And I have to say, the guys could be doing worse than visiting Vancouver, which is one of the most beautiful cities in Canada (discounting the city's shame of the Downtown Eastside, just a cesspit of drugs and crime and failed social policy), although I have to wonder about how Jillian's actual hometown of Peace River, Alta., feels about Jillian completely disowning the province of Alberta, especially since Alberta newspapers love playing up Jillian as "our" bachelorette, which isn't exactly the greatest thing to be bragging about, like a "Canada's first swine flu death happened in this province!" kind of thing. It may be true, but that doesn't mean it's not sad.
Jillian's excited to show the guys what Vancouver's all about, which I imagine will be what everything else on this show is "all about," i.e. acting like morons. Jillian welcomes the guys to a Fairmont hotel which is a longstanding luxury hotel chain, like going back pre-Confederation days, and one of the guys makes a joke about being surprised that there's a bathroom inside the place. Which is either a funny joke about pretending to think Canadians are pretty backwards, or has to do with how much nicer the Fairmont is than the outdoor shower at the bunkhouse. Jillian toasts the guys being on their home turf.
Hey, Robby, thanks for sharing that guys are getting more nervous, since because there are fewer guys, the competition's tougher. We never would have guessed. Juan says he wants a one-on-one date so he can come out of his skin and show Jillian what he's all about, or something.
Date card! "Kiptyn: Let's cook up some love, Vancouver -style." Jake seems genuinely happy, because Jillian seems to be interested in an actual nice guy, as opposed to the edgy bad boy. Which does nothing to explain why Dave is still around.
As for Jillian, she's excited to spend the day with Kiptyn, because he's somebody that she's been interested in since the day he stepped out of the limo. She's walking along the waterfront, and squeals when he shows up and they hug and twirl or whatever. Like every one-on-one date ever, it's described as being "all about me and him," or "all about me and her," in Bachelor seasons.
The date consists of kayaking to the Granville Island farmer's market, like maybe Jillian should know by now that you can take a frigging ferry to the island. "I need to know that somebody can keep up with me," she says, before babbling on about how she doesn't think she can keep up with him, which is great, because she also wants a challenge. Somehow they manage to make out while they're kayaking.
So Jillian wants to get some homemade tortellini or ravioli because she can make a pretty good sauce, and she felt really "cute" with Kiptyn, like the two of them were a real couple shopping for groceries and holding hands. It's nice that she forgot what a load of fake bullshit this all is.
Back at the hotel, Juan says he's looking forward to shrinking the number of guys in the house, because it's more and more the top-notch guys are left. In an interview, he tells us that if David's the guy for Jillian, then he's not the guy for her, like NO KIDDING, JUAN. He also feels that if Jillian spends any time with Dave and finds out what Dave's about, it won't "bode well" for him.
He also tells the guys, including Jake, that he wouldn't want to go up against Jake. Jake's all, YEAH, and says, "She's looking for a man. She doesn't want a leech, but she wants a man," whatever that's supposed to mean.
Meanwhile Kiptyn and Jillian are hanging out and talking about the kid's charity in San Diego that he works for, and Jillian says she volunteers for Big Brothers and loves it and would do more if she had more time. She could have lots more time if she'd get off my television. Then they feed the pigeons, like thanks for attracting the disease-carrying feathered vermin to the gorgeous waterfront, you jerks. Then they talk more about ... I don't know. Let's say the Canucks.
So now the two of them are cooking dinner, and Jillian says that every girl's dream is to be all hot and flustered cooking in the kitchen and worrying about the food turning out all right, and then some guy comes up behind her and starts grinding all over her, or something. Then they have that particularly annoying conversation on this show, where instead of just talking to teach other, they talk about how easy it is to talk to each other. Kiptyn says the reason he hasn't had a whole lot of relationships is because he tends not to pursue. "And so, part of this experience, when I was considering it, my first instinct was to say no," he tells her, admitting that he told himself he needed to do this to get "out of his comfort zone" and I'd like to say that the "comfort zone" is very underrated and unfairly maligned on this show. Then they start making out.
Back at the hotel, the doorbell rings, and there's another date card: Jesse, Tanner, Jake, Robby, Wes and Michael, Reed, Juan and Dave are going on the group date. Can I just say that any of the guys who is really excited that Dave gets to go is likely a massive douchebag himself? "Who can sweep me off my feet?" reads the card. Then the guys do the math and realize that that leaves Mike and Mark for the two on one date, and maybe if Mark were so damn worried about having to go, he would actually SHAVE, for crying out loud. He asks Juan's opinion who he thinks is going to be leaving, and tells him to be honest, and Juan says he thinks Mark will be going.
Meanwhile, Jillian and Kiptyn are cuddling outside, and Jillian tells us the whole date she was just thinking about giving Kiptyn the rose. If you think that means she's just going to give him the rose instead of babbling on for half-an-hour about getting to know the "real Kiptyn" or whatever, you are sorely mistaken. "Tonight, Kiptyn wasn't afraid to tell me how he felt," Jillian says, adding that he made her feel like the only woman in the world. Wouldn't you rather feel like one of three billion women in the world, and this guy chose you out of all the rest? Kiptyn tells us that he's a happy man, and he looks forward to the time he sees her. They kiss goodnight at the door, and Jillian does a little happy dance that totally wasn't for the cameras or anything.
So the day, the group date is something "Canadian." Oh, OK, awesome. I'm not a curling fan by any stretch, but much better they do something interesting like this. And I'd also like to say that, although it might not be the most necessarily fitness-requiring athletic pursuit, as the less-than-chiseled physiques of some of the world's top curlers can attest to, the skill level required to play it well is very underrated. Easy to learn, difficult to master, as the saying g- well, no, it's not even super-easy to learn. It takes a while to get the hang of it, especially lear
ning how much weight to give the rock as you slide it down the sheet. I can't offer any advice on that score, but I can point you to maybe the greatest song ever written about curling, which is "Tournament of Hearts" by the Weakerthans. Added bonus: curling serves not only in the narrative, but also as a metaphor! OK, primarily as a metaphor. But the Weakerthans rule, and you should check them out.
So breakdancing instructor Michael explains that curling is kind of like "shuffleboard meets bowling meets ice-skating," and he calls it terrifying. Everybody kind of sucks at it (one of the guys asks Reed if his "husband" curls too, which I'd like to point out is actually ALLOWED in Canada), which is normal the first time you try it, although Juan kind of smarmily says it's all about flexibility, balance and touch, and he has all three.
Back at the hotel, Kiptyn tells Mike and Mark there are two cards. One reads, "Mark and Mike: come with me to the top of the world. Jillian." The other card is from Chris, who really ought to wait until Jillian discards these guys before making his move. Anyway, his card reads: "One rose. One stays, one goes." Mike tells us that if there was a hidden camera at the hotel, she'd see how some of the guys really are.
Anyway, back at the rink, Jillian explains that she's dividing the guys up into teams, and the winning team gets to take her out. Sadly, it doesn't look like they're going to be playing Canada's curling version of the Harlem Globetrotters, who are ... I'm just kidding. Canada doesn't have a curling version of the Harlem Globetrotters. Anyway, Team Blue consists of Tanner, Wes, Ed, Reed and Michael. One of the guys yells: "You guys are going down. In a bad way!" I'd like for him to explain exactly what he thinks the other team going down in a good way would mean. (Again, though, it's OK! You're in Canada!) Red team is Juan, Dave, Jake, Jesse and Robby. Jake is planning on saying goodbye to the blue team as they walk out the door with Jillian.
So as if curling isn't boring enough to watch when it's played by people who actually know what they're doing, we have to watch like three hours of these nimrods trying to hit just ONE shot. God, this is painful. Michael tells us, while we watch him molest Jillian, how hot she looked today in spandex and a sweatshirt. "All I wanted to do was pick her up and hug her and get a hot chocolate with her somewhere and NOT CURL," he says. Jesse tells us it "became real" when Jillian told us the game was for a date, like every episode features somebody saying that things all of a sudden got real. And then Jesse is like the ONE guy who is able to put a rock near the button, when usually curling is a mess of angles and caroms, and Michael is jealous of Jesse being more athletic than him, and proclaiming Jesse's shot an "Olympic-level" shot, because he would know.
Michael's got one last shot to knock Jesse's stone out of there, but since we've already heard his defeated, hangdog interview, we already know he missed, so I'm not sure what was up with the slow-motion curling action shots they show us. Jillian has a trophy for the red team, and Reid thinks that Jillian would have rather been with the blue team because they are all "good guys." Well, the red team does have Dave on it.
Then I think some of my recording was cut because of a thunderstorm warning on WXYZ, like THANK YOU MOTHER NATURE, and the thing we know Jake and Jillian are on the bridge of a boat, and Jake is telling us that she's got all the qualities he's looking for in his wife, and he calls himself a nice guy and says he thinks he's a catch. Then the two of them are talking about the date they had in which she inflicted Martina McBride on him, which he loved because he's so country. Jillian says, "My first impression of you is that you are so perfect. Everything that comes out of your mouth is perfect," she says, which he says a bunch of ex-girlfriends have told him before, and I can't think of a better way to disprove "everything that comes out of your mouth is perfect" than bringing up the fact that you have a "a bunch" of former girlfriends, and he tells her that he's far from perfect, and has a lot of flaws, and then she tells him it's OK to not be perfect, because he's funny and good-looking and has a good heart or whatever. And then he tells us that he heard something he didn't want to hear tonight, which is that he's too perfect, which he's heard before, and I start to gag at the poor guy burdened with everyone thinking how awesome he is. "I hope I'm just not too perfect that I get eliminated," he says. His mind is a little on overload he says, and I don't think The Bachelorette has ever caused someone's mind to be on overload before.
Then Jillian is hanging out with Jesse, who wastes all his time with her by babbling about how he hasn't gotten to spend any time with her and he was really hoping to spend time with her, and then he tells her that she's driven, so successful, and has a sense of humour, and those three things make up the complete package for him, which I'm sure he'd still feel if she were ugly. Then she's telling him that he's still here for a reason, which makes him feel better, although I doubt he'd feel better if he realized that the reason is probably that she's only allowed to cut so many douchebags per week. Then they start kissing. "Actually sitting down with Jillian was hands-down the best part of the day," he tells us.
Meanwhile, Jake is asking the other guys if he comes across as "too perfect," like how much does Jake deserve to be punched in his perfect face right now, and Dave is talking about how Jake probably comes across as too straightforward and that most girls like the little bit of challenge to the bad boy, which in my experience is true, like, in HIGH SCHOOL, and that women generally grow out of that bullshit by college, and that any who don't really aren't worth wasting time on anyway, because at some point, unless the bad boy grows up himself, he just turns into the raging asshole with a drinking problem, which is ... probably why Dave has a vested interest in thinking Jillian would be into that.
And Jillian in an interview is countering Dave's theory by explaining that he's rough around the edges and she hopes to see the softer side of Dave. He sits down with her, and reminds her of how she gave him the first impression rose, and this is a good time to remind Dave that he got the first impression rose because Jillian thought his tongue-tied routine was sweet, and it had nothing to do with Dave revving his motorcycle and getting into a bar fight, which is what he seems to have convinced himself.
And the promos have led us to think that Dave practically date-rapes Jillian here, so let's get right to it, shall we? Dave tells her, with bug eyes, about how awesome her ass looked in spandex, and that he was standing behind her looking at her ass the whole time they were curling. "Her ass is FANTASTIC," he raves to us in yet another drunken interview. "I mean, it's (bleep) hot." He calls her a liar when she says she doesn't look at her own ass in the mirror. In an interview, she tells us that when they get comfortable, he gets a little too comfortable with her, and I think it's pretty sad that she can't just say, "This guy is a mental case," and be done with it. She's looking increasingly uncomfortable even as he's babbling on about how comfortable she is with him, and she adjusts her neckline which he points to as more evidence of comfort like, "Your (bleep) are hanging out, it's cool whatever," he says, and then he goes in for a kiss and she gives him the cheek deflection, and he pouts that he doesn't get a kiss. "Not after the word (bleep)," she says, and he leans in to whisper, "Why the hell wouldn't you kiss after the word (bleep)?" he asks her, and then he says he's never been turned down for a kiss before, and all I can is that escort services have to make their money somehow. And he whines that she's kissed everybody, which horrifies her, and she says she kissed a b
unch of the guys for the acting thing, which weren't real kisses. "I'm not that girl," she says, and I hate to point out that even if she were, that doesn't mean Dave is owed a kiss. And besides, doesn't it seem like she actually has kissed just about all the guys? "I just feel like he doesn't respect me," she tells us. Meanwhile, I can't believe she hasn't just stood up and walked out on him, instead of babbling on about kissing guys when it got to a natural place to do that, and I'd like to know what the word "natural" has to do with The Bachelorette anyway. He tells her that in a normal situation he would have kissed her one hundred percent, hands-down. In an interview, he drunkenly and deludedly tells us that Jillian is into him, and that she's just challenging him, because she somehow totally set him up to go in for a kiss and then didn't give one.
So she finally escapes and goes back out to sit with all the guys, probably to hand out the rose, and then blessedly Jerry Hodak of WXYZ interrupts us with thunderstorm information for Michigan, and by the time he's done we're in a commercial break.
Then Mike and Mark are getting ready for their two-on-one date, and Mike amazingly wants the rose. Mark says he's super-excited to see Jillian since he hasn't seen her since they came to the hotel, and it's been "three days laying in wait."
Jillian explains to us for the eightieth time this episode how the two-on-one date works, and then she's meeting the guys, Mike running right over to give her a hug, and Mark jealously wishing he'd thought of that. Then they're walking through what I presume is the amazing Stanley Park, only instead of enjoying the park, they get in a helicopter, which is going to be even more special than the other times Jillian has been in a helicopter, presumably. Then Jerry Hodak is back to update us on the tornado watch, maybe because he can't stand The Bachelorette any more than anyone else.
When we're done, the menage-a-trois is sitting down to dinner, and Mike is expounding on how much passion Jillian has for life, and how she grabs life by the horns, and Mark looks like he wants to yack up all his supper. He tells us that he thinks Mike is more comfortable putting all that kind of stuff out there, because that's more in his comfort zone. In other words, he's more comfortable because he's more comfortable. Thanks for that!
Then Mark is babbling about how he's thought about getting a dog and moving to Alaska. Just what every woman wants to hear! He says he's guarded like the quarterback behind a line of "defensive men," and I hate to tell him that the quarterback is behind a line of offensive linemen, and he'd better brush up on his sports terms if he's going to be manly Alaska man alone with his dog.
So we're at Grouse Mountain, which is apparently where the helicopter took them while we were watching the tornado warning, and Jillian tells the guys that they're both incredible people and if she didn't think that, they wouldn't be here right now, and that she really likes them. Then she tells us that she thought she'd have a clear-cut idea of who she was sending home. Both of those things can't be true!
After whining about how hard the decision is on her, the guys interrupt her to tell her that they're big boys who can handle it. They probably were just sick of hearing about it. So then she goes to talk to Mike one-on-one, and she babbles forever and says something about how this is the "scariest night" she's ever had, and unless she's talking only in the context of this show, then she's had a pretty charmed life, our Jillian. Then Mike talks about something about putting himself out there, and Jillian says something about being there for the right reasons, and -- you know, I've never actually wished for someone to be buried in an avalanche? But there's a first time for everything. Then they hug. Mike tells us he's falling in love, and he could definitely spend the rest of his life with Jillian, who tells us that she's positive Mike would treat her like gold if she were his wife, and she's glad that he's recognized that he could be in love with her, or something like that, something that was probably intended to be less obnoxious-sounding than it turned out to be.
Then it's Mark's turn to babble on and on about absolutely nothing. He says he's had a couple of past relationships that make all this stuff really hard, and blathers on about juvenile stuff and things needed to have been different to work out, and "love conquers all, I'm going to be an idiot," and he's pretty sure he got cheated on, like WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Jillian says she could relate when he told her about getting his heart broken, and it was good to see that side of him. She asks him if he thinks he could find the kind of person he's meant to be with here, and maybe someone should point out to Jillian that IT'S ONLY HER, and he says there's no venue in which love can't be found. "So you believe in it," she presses him, and he admits that he does.
Back at the hotel, the guys are wasting a perfectly amazing hotel in an amazing city by sitting around and talking about Mike and Mark and Jillian, and Dave says he thinks she'll send them both home tonight. Back at Grouse Mountain, the rose sits on a platter while Jillian quaveringly says this is the hardest date she's ever had in her life. She tells Mike that he expresses himself very well, while Mark has a harder time saying things, but shows how he feels, and then winds up giving the rose to Mark which I have to say surprised me, and then she says they don't know how hard a decision it was for her, and then she's crying while sending Mike off, and he tells her that she deserves to be happy, and as far as sendoffs, riding in a gondola is way more awesome than getting plunked down on a city bus like Sasha. She tells us she's not going for what all the girls think they want in a husband, but what she needs in a partner. I'm not sure what she means by that. Mike reflects that if he were a betting man, he would have put all his money on himself. I feel bad for him, and then he says "put it all out there," and I get over it.
Back at the hotel, the guys watch as Mike's luggage is taken out of the hotel, and Michael the breakdancer says he thought for sure Mark was going to be sent home, and he thinks Jillian made the wrong choice. Because it's about who all the guys like better, and not Jillian herself.
Cocktail party/rose ceremony time! Juan says he doesn't think any guy feels one hundred percent secure. Well, except for Mark, I imagine, who has a rose, as does Kiptyn, as does Jerry Hodak, if my memory serves. Do I have that right? Jillian greets the guys at the hotel, and she tells us how great it is to have a cocktail party in Vancouver and to continue to get to know the guys.
So then she's hanging out with Reid, and says when she's with him, she just wants to snuggle up with him, but they should probably use the time to catch up. She tells him that she'd love to hang out at the hotel with them, and he obliquely says that if she hung around with them, she'd probably have a different idea of who she does or doesn't like, and she doesn't really press him for information, and they go back to talking about bullshit like how Jillian's first crush was a musician named Vincent with dark hair, and Reid teases her that it sounds like Wes, only with us he's a little less circumspect about being honest and says Jillian doesn't know that Wes is only there for his music. Having heard "Love Don't Come Easy" about eighty times (although, thankfully, not once this episode), all I can say is that I hope Wes has a day job. Meanwhile, the guys are talking about this stupid show, and Jake says it's inevitable that she's going to fall in love with two of them, which I hate to tell him isn't true, and Wes says it could be more and admits to having been in love with three or four women at once, and the edit of the guys' reactions make it seem like Wes just said, "Yeah, I like to eat dogshit sandwiche
s." Jake also talks about the difference between the Wes they see and the Wes Jillian sees, which is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Speaking of which, Wes is spiriting Jillian away outside where she tells him how she missed his song. "I don't know one girl who wouldn't want that, and know that it was genuine," she tells him when he asks if it wasn't too cheesy. Meanwhile, the other guys are watching them snuggling through the hotel window, and one of them actually yells "disgusting!" out the window at them, and inside Ed gripes about how there's a "country-singin' turd" out there with Jillian. And they wonder if Wes is talking about with Jillian what he was talking about with them, which Tanner tells us is that he's still got a girl back home. Which isn't exactly what we saw him say, was it? Which doesn't mean he didn't say it, but I kinda think that if this show had that recorded, they would have shown us, right? "We'll just have to see how it plays," says Tanner. It sounds like Wes has also confided in them that he's just there for his music.
Outside, Wes is proudly saying he's never cheated once in his thirty-two years. To paraphrase Chris Rock, you're not SUPPOSED to cheat? What you want, a cookie? And then they're making out before heading back inside and interrupting a discussion of who the other guys think are going home.
So then Jillian goes off to talk to Jake, who says their one-on-one date was awesome, and he got really excited, and time has gone by and it cooled off, and he was disheartened to hear her say on the boat that he can be himself with her. "This is me. This is Jake," he says, and she seems a little bit confused about why this is a problem, and then he talks about how much more of a man he is than the other boys out there and he doesn't really relate to some of the things they do. Then he talks about how he doesn't want to throw anyone under the bus, but she need to be really careful about who she lets go, because there are guys there who aren't there for the right reasons. In other words, he wants to throw someone under the bus, but is actually too chickenshit to call someone out on their bullshit, but plants a bug in Jillian's ear and then doesn't get specific.
Juan comes in to take Jillian, and then Jake goes back out to talk to Ed and Tanner about how they hope Jillian sees through all the non-awesomeness of the guys who aren't them, and Tanner says something about guys not being there for the right reasons. You mean like feet, Tanner? He says he's going to lay it out for Jillian. He's not here to make friends, and if he makes enemies, he doesn't give a (bleep).
So he does sit down with her and tells her some of the other guys are being fake and not sharing with her their real lives or whatever. At first she seems to think he's just talking about the differences between how people act when the cameras are on and off, so he gets more direct: "I hate to break the news to you, but I have honestly heard guys say, 'I've got a girlfriend back at home.'" She's upset by this, and says she doesn't want him to rat anyone out, but "does anybody care enough to tell me who these people are?" So she doesn't want anyone to rat anyone out, except she wants someone to care enough about her to rat them out? Whatever, Jillian. In her annoying quavery half-crying voice, she babbles about how she's been hearing about this bullshit all night, and her conversation with Tanner was the last straw. She's worried about falling in love with someone who has a girlfriend, I guess.
"It's the rudest possible thing I've ever, ever known in my entire life. I would never do that to somebody," she says.
So she goes out to tell the guys that this is a conversation that she never thought she'd have to have. "The rumour around the block is that there are some people here who are still in relationships and came into this in relationships or have a hidden agenda," she says, and babbles a million words a minute about how she adores some people there and she doesn't want the fakey phony-baloney guys to take time away from the guys who are "here for the right reasons." Is that...? Can we get a count on that? I think ... yes, that is the one-thousandth time this episode the phrase "here for the right reasons" has been used!
Anyway, Jillian says the cocktail party is over, and stomps off, and some of the guys don't know what she's talking about, like NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL, and Robby angrily says he doesn't have a rose and now he's not going to get to spend time with her because some (bleep) has (bleeped) it all up, and Michael says, "I straight up have a crush on that girl," and I can't believe that didn't make everybody crack up.
So Jillian stares at the pictures of the remaining bachelors and whines about guys not being there for the right reasons. "My feelings are hurt, and I feel cheated," she says. She doesn't want to cry about this, because whoever would do this to her doesn't deserve her emotion. Hey, Jillian! You know who's doing this to you? ABC! She says she just wants to find out who it is, and she wants them gone.
So Chris Harrison comes in to talk to her about what's going on, and she rails against the snakes who are here, and she's taking a huge step out of her life to do this. Chris says they'll "get to the bottom of this" before the rose is handed out, before wondering how they can actually get the truth. Jillian says she doesn't know, and Chris says he hopes they'll "man up" and tell the truth, and I think "manning up" would involve skipping this show altogether.
So Chris goes out to talk to the assembled men about how Jillian is upset about these revelations, and they need to deal with it: "Let's get this out in the open. If you've got something to say, say it now." Some of the guys look around, some stare straight ahead. Nobody speaks for a long while, before Jake says he's got something to say, even though he's always been the guy who doesn't say much. Some might even say you're too perfect, right, Jake? "I'm here to find love, and I would be really, really pissed if I knew somebody with a girlfriend was here taking away time that I could spend with Jillian." He advises whoever it is to "be a man" because he'd like to know. Still, nobody says anything, and Jesse says it's going to come out anyway.
Then Robby whines (on his behalf and on Michael's) that they didn't get any alone time with her, so they got screwed and if they get sent home it will be a "travesty," and you'd think this was a war-crimes tribunal the way he's going on. He calls people cowards, but not like Brendan Fraser in School Ties, which would have been awesome. Lots of shots of Tanner looking increasingly agitated. And now the guys elect to just announce that they don't have girlfriends ("I'm clean, I'm clean!" says Wes, because he is Mr. Hilarious all the time), and then Dave suggests Jillian just tell them who said what about whom, and Tanner whirls around and snaps at someone, "What are you looking at me for?" and then Chris says no one has mentioned any particular names.
For Dave, it's about living with someone who's "snitching," and he thinks it's fair for Jillian to come out and say who it was since they're going to have to live with whoever's been hanging guys out to dry, and I hate to break it to the hopefully-somewhat-more-sober-at-least-right-now Dave that he might not remember talking about staring at her ass or how her tits were hanging out, but he's not going to be spending another night living with those guys, whatever happens here. More shots of Tanner looking uncomfortable, even though it was sanctimonious too-perfect Jake who really started the ball rolling tonight. Chris talks about not betraying the trust of the one-on-one time, like it's an actual legally protected right, and then Jillian says she just wants to know if any of it's true, and Chris asks the guys if they're all here for the right reasons, and a couple of the guys speak up, and there's one more exhortation for the rat to not be a coward and step forward, and Tanner l
ooks uncomfortable but doesn't say anything.
So Chris asks Jillian if she's ready, and she says she isn't. She needs to step outside for a second. So she goes, and the guys mutter at each other, and an agitated Tanner orders Juan to stop looking at him, and Juan's all "Dude! I'm looking back and forth!" and I think it's Wes who voices over that he's never seen a bigger bunch of (bleeps) in his life.
Jillian goes back to the Bachelorette room, because she hopes that looking at cheesy eight-by-tens of these douchebags will clear her head somewhat. She tells us she's about to send two guys home, and she doesn't know how to feel about what's going on, and blah blah blah, love, heartbroken, blah blah whine blah. Look, Jillian, we're not the ones who are under the illusion that this is an effective or even sane way to meet your future husband.
And now it's time for the best part of the show: the cuts! Chris thanks the guys for being "open and honest" with them, which is pretty fucking hilarious. Anyway, Jesse, Mark and Kiptyn are safe, and there are seven more roses to hand out, so there will be two more guys headed home.
Jillian steps up: Reid. Robby. Oh, thank god, it's not a travesty! Ed. Michael. Second travesty averted! Wes. Will you accept this rose? Yeah, I can't wait to give it to my girlfr-- I mean, sure! Thanks! Jake. Jake hugs her. Well, that's too perfect. One rose left. It's down to Juan, Tanner and Dave. Wow, WHO WILL POSSIBLY GET IT? And then it goes to ... Tanner? What? What the hell? Not Juan? She kept the weaselly foot-fetish guy?
Juan goes to hug her goodbye, and she looks sad, and he quickly tells her not to worry about it, and that there are good guys left. He's out of there so fast he practically leaves a puff of smoke in the shape of himself there. He tells us that he didn't see it coming. He doesn't have a girlfriend, there's no one waiting for him back home, and he's more determined than ever to find love.
As for Dave? He hugs her goodbye, and asks her why. She kinda chickens out and just tells him it wasn't right. He tells us he feels pretty wronged. "I don't know what Jillian was missing with me that she had with some of the other people in there." Well, for starters, a healthy liver, and possibly a chromosome or two. He says she made two mistakes tonight: not telling them who said what, and letting him go. He says he didn't do anything wrong; he was just being himself (psst! That's what was wrong!). "What the (bleep), man." You stay classy, Dave.