Jillian lounges by the pool and reminisces about how she woke up and then was all excited, because there were 20 guys nearby ready to pleasure her, or something. She does her whole annoying "I'm not a blonde model with big boobs, but a regular ol' quirky Canadian" routine, like AMERICA, YOU CAN KEEP HER.
Despite the fact the "coming up" scenes showed Chris Harrison breaking the news to the guys that they're not living in the mansion but in the bunkhouse, we jump right to them checking out the place. To be fair, they can't show everything. I mean, they only have TWO HOURS.
Chris Harrison stops by to tell them there will be three dates this week: two group dates and an individual date, and he outlines the rose-distribution rules for those dates, and he warns them that not everyone will be going on a date.
But he has the first date card. It's for Michael, Brian, Brad, Sasha, Tanner P., Wes, Ed and Mathue. "The fun starts at my place, boys." Tanner P. says he's really excited for the date, and David says he wishes he were spending time with Jillian.
The guys show up at Jillian's place, where Jillian is still lounging around. Michael says Jillian was there, and the rose was there, and he wants both of those things. Several close-ups of Jillian's torso, while the guys tell us how hot she is, and then there is some pool volleyball going on, and then Michael is up on her bedroom patio telling her she smells awesome.
She leaves him to come down and get the rose, and the guys think she's taking it to give it to Michael. Only she sneaks off outside, while Mike waits outside. Eventually, he looks poolside, and the dudes are all, "Did you get a rose?" He didn't, and he comes back down and they're all confused because Jillian's gone. She got in a car, although they didn't see her.
Chris Harrison comes out to tell them, "This pool party is over, but the race for Jillian's heart is on." They're going to have to follow clues to find her.
Harrison tells him the guys are going to be teamed up in pairs of two, although only one person is going to get to have dinner with her. Outside in the parking lot are their team assignments and cars.
So some of the guys don't even bother putting their shirts on before racing out into the courtyard where four shiny Mini Coopers await, with team members listed on cards on the windshield. In front of each car is a lockbox containing the keys to the car -- and hundreds of keys, only one of which opens the lockbox. One team foregoes the keys entirely and just smashes open the box. Tanner P. and Michael are the last team to get out of the gate, and since the first three teams turned left, they elect to go right.
At first it appears to have been the wrong decision. Michael thinks Tanner P is "big and cool and smart." Tanner P. only feels the same way about Michael if Michael has nice-looking feet. Anyway, Michael and Tanner appear to be the first to open up the maps that are in the car, which seems to have a location on it. Meanwhile, Brad and Wes are not getting along.
So where in the world is Jillian? She's at a jewelry store, where she picks out four necklaces, and says the teams can decide which one suits her best.
So then Tanner and Michael are in the Shirtless Douche Carpool Only lane, and Jillian calls them all (either on a conference call or she made separate calls that have been edited to appear to happen at the same time) to say she's sorry she had to "jet" but it's all part of her master plan, and they find out that no one has rescued her yet, and Michael admits in an interview that he was so excited to find out that they were still in the running that he peed a little in his bathing suit. "I was like a little kid at Christmas," he says, and I hate to tell Michael that with the exception of maybe my first Christmas, I didn't pee all over myself.
So then we see some of the other contestants in The Amazingly Stupid Race looking for the flag, which has a big rose on it, and they run down a back alley of a restaurant where they find tuxedos to put on, and then after some frantic searching for the clue, one of them finds it in his pocket: "If you want to win Jillian's heart, your [sic] going to have to lay it all on the line," it reads. Not that that helps them at all -- they even try cooking with the supremely patient kitchen staff in hopes that that's what's meant by laying it all on the line -- until finally Brad notices the card tacked up with the other orders. Oh, of course! How could they not figure that out? "My 'best friends' are waiting for you down the street. Head through the front doors and turn left. If you can't find the flag, ask Neil for directions," it says. Brad and Wes are out the door, and then not too far behind them are Brian and Ed, who actually wind up at the location first. It's a jewelry store, and her "best friends" are diamond necklaces, and Brad and his partner bond over both picking the same necklace and they get the clue and head out. Brad and Wes are still looking around, and then they get passed by... who are these guys again? I can't keep these guys straight.
Brad and Wes are the third team in, so there are two necklaces to choose from, and they each choose a different one, so they actually paper-rock-scissors for it, and Brad wins, which apparently makes Wes want to backhand him, especially if it costs him a date with Jillian. Like there's any possible way for either of them to know which necklace is the right one.
Over at the Crocker Club, some guys are opening up a giant vault, like the one in Goldfinger at Fort Knox, and Jillian says she can't believe that soon she's going to be locked in a vault with a million dollars worth of jewels and some guy. No one else can believe this either, Jillian.
"It's time to put a spring in your step. Find the rose, and I'll be waiting," is the clue for Brad and Wes, and there's a stopwatch with it, and almost instantly they figure out that the address is on the watch: the Crocker Club is on Spring Street.
They're the first ones there, and Brad puts the necklace on Jillian. One of them will be eating with her, while the other one will wait outside for the rest of the morons. Brad's confident he'll be picked, since they won the race: "I'm definitely the brains of the operation. As a matter of fact, I'm the only brain in the operation." He's also the asshole of the operation, apparently. So Jillian picking Wes over him wipes the smirk off his face. "This is bullshit," is his opinion. Oh, and he also says Wes isn't there "for the right reasons."
Jillian babbles that there's something about Wes that attracts her, and then she says the word "honky-tonk," so I fast-forwarded a little bit, only I unfortunately didn't miss the part where Jillian natters on like a school girl about how her friends are all like "oh my god" and shit.
Brian and Ed are the to arrive, and are disappointed to find out Jillian's already chowing down with Wes. Ed doesn't see Jillian and Wes having any kind of connection. If there is one, it's "fabricated," he says. On this show? You crazy, Ed.
Back at the bachelor pen, a date card arrives. In an interview, Tanner F. tells us that he would really like the one-on-one time with Jillian. Which would make you a lot different from the other bachelors, right? Alas, not this time, Tanner F. "Jake, I'm looking for a guy who can cut loose," says the card, and Jake in an interview calls it "surreal." I'd like to go one episode without hearing that word, you know?
Over at the vault, one-on-one time is not proving to be anything to write home about, Jillian asks Wes if he's a "relationship guy," and he says he's had three girlfriends his whole life, for like two and a half years at a time. Jillian seems to think that means that he's banged a lot of women in between that, but he denies that, at least at first. In an interview, Jillian says there are a lot of things that she likes about Wes: he plays country music, he's good-looking, he's from Austin. She likes that he's from Austin? She does feel, however, that there's something that she needs to protect herself from.
The rest of the bachelors, all dressed up with nowhere to go, watch the date on closed-circuit television. Wes talks about how beautiful she is, and he hopes she keeps him around, and then he goes in for a kiss, and all the guys watching groan, but I think it's because at least some of them prefer men and are kind of grossed out by this.
In the vault, Jillian natters on about being attracted to bad guys, and how she's a little worried about Wes, but not enough to let him go, and she pins the rose on his lapel, and the rest of the guys start screaming, and she tells Wes that he'll be spending the night at her place, taking pains to explain that he'll be in his own bed. That, of course, is what the other guys ask on what I can only presume was an awkward limo ride home with Jillian and all the guys together. Tanner P. wonders if Wes's mind is in the right place, since he has a career and he's "throwing out CDs." I wonder if Tanner P. even has a mind. More bitching from Brad, who says that if it wasn't for him, Wes would still be driving around, looking for Jillian. Not surprisingly, Wes is liking how things are turning out so far.
Also liking how things are going so far? Jake, who is "stoked" to be the first one to get a one-on-one date. We watch him pack his bags, which is when "things got real," because if he puts his foot in his mouth or they don't have chemistry, he's gone. Jillian comes down the path to pick up Jake, while the other guys hoot and holler at her red boots and black fringey dress. She tells us that she instant chemistry with Jake, which, as usual, just means he's good-looking. "I just want to make sure he's got that little X-factor and the spark I'm looking for." Their ride is a convertible that's either purple or blue depending on how the light shines on it, and he asks if she's a good driver, and she jokes that she's not, because she's a "girl, a woman driver."
"This is a total Jill dream date. It's going to blow his mind," she tells us. Which means it has a country theme, and then she says "honky-tonk" again, and they are in a store that sells jeans and cowboy hats to non-cowboys, and we are forced to watch a montage of Jake trying on clothes and Jillian pulling open his shirt so she can check out his twelve-pack. Get a load of that chemistry!
So once they're properly fake-cowboyed up, they head over to the House of Blues. Because when you think country music, you think the House of Blues! And Jake thought that the place was going to be packed and that they were going to be fighting their way to the bar. Which I guess means he's never seen the show before. Not that that's an indictment of Jake, actually. But of course they have the place to themselves, and Jillian hops up on the bar and says she always wanted to do the Coyote Ugly thing, and I really wish she would stop saying things, because I just keep liking her less and less. Jake pops a boner over Jillian dancing on the bar in her boots. "I was a good boy. I didn't peek up her skirt," he says.
Then they two-step, and Jillian is surprised to find out he already knows how to two-step better than she does. So he's a better fake-cowboy than you are, Jillian? Don't take it personally. Then I hear Jake say "soul mate" so thank god we're into a commercial break. Commercials on this show are like Ritalin for me.
"I really think that there is a spark that could quite possibly turn into a flame that could quite possibly turn into love that could quite possibly turn into marriage," Jake tells us. Don't put too many qualifications on it or anything, Jake. Then he talks to Jillian about how being as awesome as he is doesn't mean anything unless he has someone to share it with, and then asks her how she'd feel about being whisked off to Belgium for actual Belgian waffles. "I would freak out! That would be awesome!" she says. Any time she wants to sound not like a 13-year-old getting a backstage pass to the Jonas Brothers, that would be just fine with me. In an interview, Jillian says, "It seems really early to say this, but I feel like Jake is one of those people that I could say, 'here is my life,' and I could walk away and then I would be in great shape." Yeah, it seems really early to say that, by which I mean it's awfully early to be as drunk as you need to be to spout such incoherence.
Jake asks her why she's here. "I want to find my best friend, I do." She thinks this is a great avenue to do that, which I guess means she hasn't actually checked out this show's track record (and has FORGOTTEN HER OWN EXPERIENCE). Then he asks if she thinks she could get married out of this, and she starts babbling that she can, and then he starts kissing her, probably just to get her to shut up, a move I heartily endorse.
Back at the bachelor pit, Mike says he's starting to feel some pressure. There's a date card: Jesse, Mark, David, Mike, Simon, Kiptyn and Juan: "If you want be with me, you have to play ball." Julien says he's one of four people who haven't got a date, but he's not worried, because he doesn't figure Jillian's going to chop people she hasn't gotten to know. Yeah, that's right, Julien. She's going to cut the guys she gets to know and like instead.
Back at the date, the stage finally lifts up to reveal Martina McBride and her band ready to assault us with some bland new country stylings, and the two of them go dancing, and Jake has to pretend to be really into Martina McBride, and then while McBride warbles out some slow song, Jillian brings out a rose to pin on Jake, who calls it "surreal" again. And what has Jillian learned? Jake is someone she "could spend a lot of time with." "If things keep progressing with Jillian the way they did tonight, I would love to be the guy who puts the ring on her finger," Jake tells us.
The day, Jillian tells us that she's planned today's date for the guys. Meanwhile, the guys are speculating as to what the date might be. One of them suggests it's not too early for a poem to be written. Someone else asks if anyone's written a poem and read it to a woman before. Juan is the only who raises his hand, and Tanner P. says in an interview that Juan might be in trouble, as he lacks some testosterone. I'd like to point out that a) Juan admitted to be a bunch of douchebags that he's written poetry for women, so he's probably not worried about you, and b) alluding to someone else's lack of testosterone makes your own quantity seem suspect. But that's just me. "He might be good at... maybe... badminton?" I guess that's code for "gay" for Tanner P.
Kiptyn, meanwhile, assumes that the date has something to do with playing sports, and he sounds a little tentative, because all the rest of the guys were college athletes.
The date? A game of pickup basketball on an outdoor court at Venice Beach, where Jillian orders all the guys to take their shirts off, so she can get a look at which guys she has the most chemistry with. David brags that he's the most athletic guy in the house. "I think some girls find that attractive," he says. Well, if they also find "raging assholishness" attractive, too, then this competition is over! Simon, the British guy, launches an airball. "I'm not going to impress Jillian with my basketball skills," he says, adding that he's complete "rubbish." Jesse, meanwhile, is not at all worried about Juan getting a rose, because he's into things like art and architecture, poetry and intellectual "things." Someone should point out to Jesse that some women are into those things. However, so far this season it doesn't seem like Jillian is one of those women. Maybe Juan should walk around pretending to be an idiot and say the word "honky-tonk," and then Jillian will jump him. Instead, Juan lifts Jillian up to the hoop, and she doesn't exactly have the softest landing, and the other guys bitch at Juan for dropping her. "I did not drop her! I set her down like a gentle butterfly."
So then here comes the twist: Jillian says she's going off to get some of her friends, and she returns with several big black guys. This has our bachelors quivering a little, but they really ought to have known something was up, given that there weren't even any token black guys among Jillian's original 30bachelors.
And the new guys pull off their shirts to reveal Harlem Globetrotters uniforms! On the one hand, I hate this show. But on the other: yay! The Harlem Globetrotters! David doesn't seem to be harboring any illusions about their ability to compete with these guys, but he's hoping to score just one basket.
Mike says he's never seen the Globetrotters before, and he's kinda nervous that the first time he does, he's facing them on the basketball court. Anyway, shenanigans ensue, with the Globetrotters taking apart the bachelors with extreme prejudice. The bachelors respond as most outclassed basketball players in pickup games do: by taking a couple of dribbles and then throwing up bad shots and hoping for the best, rather than waste any time or letting passes get stolen.
Then Jillian joins in the fun, so this is eminently praiseworthy, as far as the bachelors are concerned. One of them says she shone, because she was able to just "roll with it." Like, she's PLAYING BASKETBALL WITH THE GLOBETROTTERS. She's not LEARNING TO WALK AGAIN. The Globetrotters lift her up to hang on the rim, and then leave her there, and then finally Juan is the one to come up to rescue her. Mike chides himself for not thinking of it. David chides Juan for ... um, for liking tea, apparently.
Then the Globetrotters pick the bachelor that seems best suited for Jillian, and they pick David. Looks like they don't think too much of Jillian. Juan's choked about it. "This is bullshit," he says.
Then it's off to the beach to check out the sunset, with the bachelors all in their snazzy new Globetrotters jerseys, which I have to admit is pretty cool. It's not enough for Jillian to be with six of her own guys; she has to sexually harass other dudes on the beach. She compliments some guy's bathing suit: "I can see your best assets," she tells him. Mike says he's been quiet up until now, and he needs to step up a little bit. And since they're sitting on the beach and Jillian is still going on about how great it would be for a guy to wear one of those bathing suits into the water so she could just declare the competition over, Mike puts on a Speedo and goes and jumps into the surf. Jillian starts screaming. "That was friggin' classic!" she yells, and for some reason she tells us that, apparently, seeing Mike's junk in a banana hammock "melted [her] heart." She also tells us that things are going great because she's seeing all the best in the guys. "I have no idea who's getting the rose tonight," she says.
God, isn't this show over yet? Jillian's now at one of her favorite hotels chilling with seven hot guys, she tells us. Simon brings a round of shots, and someone says, "That's my dawg," which really should be grounds for disqualification. David apparently sees Juan pour his shot out and cover his glass with his hand, which is "like the fifth thing" Juan's done like that. While Juan goes off to talk to Jillian, David starts ranting about how disrespectful Juan is. Jesse offers the insight that some of the guys seem to have a problem with Juan. David's of the opinion that Juan (and by the way, no one can corroborate what David's saying) should have just said he didn't want a shot. Yeah, because David would have respected that and not made mincing gestures about Juan liking tea. I mean, not again, anyway.
"Guys like that should get beat up. There's no reason we shouldn't tie him to a tree and beat the shit out of him," David tells the other guys. "Tie him to a tree," repeats Jesse, who can't just tell David that he is a mental case. Probably because David would then want to tie Jesse to a tree. David says something about a "man code," because he watches too much television and reads nothing but Maxim.
So once Juan is done telling Jillian sweet things about the color of her eyes, he brings her back to the group so she can snag Kiptyn, so they can talk about the same boring things that the idiots on this show always talk about: "amazing relationships," "future," "compatible," "connection," "heart broken," etc. Jillian tells us that Kiptyn told her he's usually the heartbreaker, not the heartbreakee, which kind of worries her. More blah blah "get to know me" open up" yadda yadda. Kiptyn wants a rose. Then they kiss. "There's something about Kiptyn that I totally lose myself in," Jillian tells us, while Kiptyn's tongue gets lost in the worsening bacteria frappe that is Jillian's mouth.
Jillian tells the guys that she had lots of fun, and then she picks up the rose. David seems to care less about the rose than about Juan not getting the rose. He actually says Juan should go drown himself. You know what? I think David actually has a crush on Juan, and he hates himself for it. He needn't worry, because in the end Jillian gives the rose to the guy whose penis she kind of saw: Mike. "Well deserved!" yells David, applauding. He seems to approve of having almost seen Mike's penis too.
Back at the house, the be-rosed guys -- Mike, Jake and Wes -- proudly display their roses on their lapels. Mike asks what their thought process is on talking to Jillian even when they're safe. "I'm not here for the guys. I didn't come here to date one of them," says Wes. Yeah, seriously. He points out that just because they're safe now doesn't mean they're safe later. There's nothing I hate more than the reality show contestants who claim that other players are stabbing them in the back just by virtue of, you know, competing.
So anyway, Jillian greets the guys, and tells us that she's not looking forward to sending home four guys. Tanner P. grosses us out by talking about his foot fetish, and saying he hopes Jillian's wearing open-toed sandals. She is, and he picks up her feet and starts playing with her toes. Even Jillian by this point knows that he's kind of obsessed (she tries to lighten things by asking who has the ugliest feet in the house, and Tanner doesn't hesitate in saying "Sasha"), so it'll be surprising if Tanner P. doesn't go home tonight.
Wes and Jesse kind of get into it a little bit, with Jesse saying he's jealous of the time Wes got to spend with Jillian, and Wes kind of oddly saying "you're not jealous." Jesse thinks Wes is a bit of a phoney, but he can only worry about himself. Just then, Jillian comes in to talk to Jesse. She tells us she's physically attracted to him, but she's looking for the seriousness and the relationship potential.
Jesse tells her he's only had two real relationships, only one that was really serious. He tells her some stuff about how he was excited when he found out she was going to be the bachelorette, and that he blew off a trip to Italy to be on the show, because the trip is temporary, but this could be forever. Ah, who knows what Italian beauties Jesse will never have met because he decided to come on this farce of a show?"
Robby's mixing drinks, hoping to impress Jillian since he hasn't had a date with her yet. He makes a drink he invented, called the... sounds like "rosmo." Yep, it's "Rosmo," which she instantly susses out as half-Robby, half-cosmo. But he's only talking to her for a few moments before Wes swoops in to take her away and joke that she's cheating on him. "That's the kind of guy he is," Robby tells us, shrugging.
Robby goes back to the group to lick his wounds, and also provide an opportunity for some of the guys to bitch about Wes not being a "cool guy," which means, as usual, "I don't have the balls to talk to Jillian myself so I'm going to slag off the guy who does." Having said that, Wes is coming off more and more like a tool. Reid doesn't know what Wes's intentions are. Maybe it's to promote his music, he says. Sorry, Reid. It's not Wes's fault you can't haul out a mortgage application around a campfire and impress the women with your knowledge of property taxes.
David, unsurprisingly, thinks Wes is fake too, and here for the wrong reasons. David raises a good question: is it better to be a fake nice guy, or a genuine asshole? Robby's annoyed because Wes has done nothing to make the rest of the guys like him. I guess he's missed the point of the show. When he talks to Wes about it, Wes is remarkably upfront about it, saying he's not going to slow down just because he's got a rose. "If anything, you need to step it up," says Wes. Like Walter Sobchak, he's not wrong. He's just an asshole.
So after Jillian whines about how she's getting nervous about having to send four guys home, Chris Harrison comes in to tell the guys that "In order for Jillian to have the best chance at love, she needs your help." A butler comes in with a ballot box, and Harrison tells them that they are to vote for the guy they most want to see go home tonight. It could be someone who's not there for the right reasons, or someone who is just too much competition. Yeah, that's great. Hey, Jillian seems to have hit it off with this guy! Let's get rid of him! Way to leave it up to Jillian. Wes, Mike and Jake are safe because of their roses, Chris tells us, but anyone else is fair game.
So there is much teeth-gnashing and bitching by the guys. You know what? Where's your man code now? If you really don't want to send one of your buddies home, spoil your ballot. Write in "Chris Harrison." If nobody votes for anybody, what would they do? Wes advises everyone to get in the game and not worry about your buddies. Reid wishes he could vote for Wes.
Instead, Jillian comes in to see him while he sits alone agonizing over his selection. They talk about birthdays: his is April 24th, hers is Dec. 30th. Wow! That's so weird! You both have birthdays! He tells her that Tauruses and Capricorns make a great match.
Meanwhile, the other dudes are discussing who they voted for. Tanner (P.?) votes for David. Jesse votes for Juan, who is at that moment cutting in on Reid and Jillian. David, with the other guys, is still covering up his burning passion for Juan by threatening to beat the shit out of him, because he doesn't know how to say "make sweet love to him." He's breaking "man code left and right," David tells us. Juan admits that he's probably going to get a few votes, and tells Jillian that he's never been that super-aggressive kind of guy, while David is still ragging on about how Juan allegedly poured his drink out. So this is the guy who was all shucks and tongue-tied when he first met Jillian, huh? Well, I guess we know what makes him an expert at picking out the phonies.
Sigh. Then Brian tells us that he wants Jillian to see what a "versatile" guy, how he's an onion, with many layers to peel back. [Aw. There's nothing more romantic than watching a grown man quote from Shrek in order to impress the ladies. -- Angel] This means that, out by the pool, he takes off all his clothes -- all his clothes -- and jumps in the water. "It was like a bad car accident. You just couldn't take your eyes off everything," says Jesse. Jillian seems half-amused, and half-frightened, actually. I'm kind of wondering how many guys wanted their ballots back to change their votes.
Speaking of which, here comes Chris Harrison to tell us the results. In third place? Julien. The second-most votes? Dave. The most votes? Juan. Big surprise. "Thought you guys loved me," says Juan. Chris says this is ultimately up to Jillian, and she can save him by giving him a rose right now. To her credit, Jillian doesn't waste a whole lot of time and straight-out informs the guys that while she respects their opinion, she's keeping Juan. So this was all completely contrived to create some drama, right? Well, I guess that's this show in a nutshell.
Yay! The rose ceremony! It's the light at the end of the tunnel! Wes, Mike, Jake and Huan (going with Chris Harrison's over-pronunciation) are safe. Jillian comes out to talk about how blessed she is to be blessed with the funniest, smartest, most cock-revealingest group of bachelors this show has seen. So let's get to it!
Jesse. David. Boooooo! Ed. Sasha. Mark. Michael. (He exhales noisily, to everyone's amusement.) Tanner P. WHAT? Kiptyn. Still haven't changed your name, Kiptyn? Huh. OK. Reid. Robby. Tanner F. Final rose goes to Brad. Sorry, Brian! I guess your chemistry just wasn't big enough! Brian says you feel like you've got everything down pat, you're on top of the world, and the thing you know, you're booted. Well, try your strip-naked stunt at work, so see what happens, and maybe you can start figuring out just where things started going off the rails. "I was bold, and apparently she didn't like it," he says, acknowledging that stripping had something to do with it, and since it was cold, he was "hung like a light switch." Here's hoping he means, at least, in the OFF POSITION. Julien's gone too, which blows his "she won't cut me if she doesn't even know who I am" theory right out of the water. Also going home is Simon, who says he's disappointed, but he's happier to leave now instead of falling in love and getting disappointed. Mathue says he wishes he could have another chance to show her the real him. He seems genuinely sad. He actually fights back tears. Dude, you've been there THREE DAYS, and by your own acknowledgment you didn't really talk to her. I think you'll bounce back.
After the scenes teasing week's episode, we watch the other guys riding Simon about his thick accent. He does his best to pronounce the "r" in "hard," and eventually good-naturedly tells them that he's the only one who speaks English, and it's the rest of them who have fucked up the language. Hee. You can always count on the throwaway 30 seconds of the end credits for the one scene where everyone looks like they're having fun and aren't acting like assholes.
Get Jillian's take on her random assortment of guys in our Q&A.