You remember how, on The A-Team, B.A. hated to get on planes? And the rest of the team would play along and assure him that he wouldn't have to get on any more planes? And then they'd stick some sleeping pills in a block of cheese and knock him out? He'd always be so pissed when he'd wake up: "How'd we get to Africa, Hannibal? I know we didn't take no boat!" And he'd swear he'd never get on another plane, but then they'd always make him. Why do I bring this up? No reason.
So anyway, here I am recapping The Bachelorette again.
This season opens with a recap of last season, which feels like it just ended last week. Remember how we all fell in love with Jason Mesnick? You did, America. And remember how Jillian got in a bathing suit and ground up against him in a hot tub? Nothing, apparently, could have prepared Jillian for not getting that last rose from Jason. Except, perhaps, for every episode ever, in which at least one person gets rejected. We watch Jillian crying again in the limousine. "This decision that he made broke my heart."
Then we watch Jillian get her life back together in Vancouver, which is as fine a place as any to put your life back together. You know, when your fake love for a phoney on a stupid fake-romance reality show falls apart. "Those feelings that I had with Jason were very true, but he wasn't the right person for me." I don't think Jason is the right person for a sentient woman, but that's me. Here's how you put your life back together: jogging! Gardening! Thoughtful walks along the Pacific Ocean! Having great legs and wearing short shorts! "I hope that I can have that feeling again."
And then there's Chris introducing Jillian as the new Bachelorette, and a bunch of people cheer like it actually affects them. "I can't believe this is happening to me!" Jillian tells us. Like she's rubbed a magic lamp and has been granted three wishes or something. She is shopping for shoes, so I guess this is the kind of awesome stuff you don't get to do unless you're the Bachelorette. "I'm not a princess. I don't think I'm drop-dead gorgeous. I think I'm cute. I think I've got a huge heart, and there's somebody really special out there for me. I haven't seen him yet, but I know he's out there."
Jillian says she has no regrets about going on The Bachelor. Really? None? I think the only people who have no regrets about The Bachelor are the apologists who have to justify appearing on it. We watch as Jillian gets seen off into a taxicab by her family, who can't wait to meet her Prince Charming.
Oh god. "Wacky" clips of Jillian in action. Sock feet sliding across a floor all Risky Business. "I'm back in L.A., I'm the Bachelorette, and I'm back in action." My reverse peristalsis is back in action, too. She's jumping rope and lying on her back doing that bicycle thing. And then she's shoving a hotdog down her throat and telling us that there are no more theories like her stupid hotdog theory from last time, and she doesn't give a shit what he puts on his hotdog. Whoa! She's all salty!
That's the cue for the skronky electric guitar to kick in so we can watch some slow-motion shots of Jillian in a bikini playing in the water. "I can't believe it's going to be me and 25 hot guys," she says. And then she's looking all sultry while she washes a purple car. Her family must be so proud.
And just in case you turned on this show but only planned on watching the first five minutes, we're forced to sit through clips from tonight's show. Which they're going to be broadcasting right away. And there are also clips from the rest of the season. I'm not recapping any of this twice. Once will have to be enough.
So here's Chris Harrison at the Bachelorette pad. "America was shocked" that Jason sent Jillian home without a rose, but "single men across the country were thrilled that Jillian was still available," he lies to us. Then he introduces some of the men. These men are going to tell us that they are looking for love and they can believe it can happen here. Later on, those who have been selected to move on will tell us that they were surprised to develop true feelings, because they didn't think it could happen on a reality show. None of these men will say that they applied because of a drunken dare and figured the worst thing that would happen would be that they'd be on television and impress some dingbat fan of the show at a nightclub down the line.
Kiptyn, 31, from Encinitas, Calif. "Kiptyn"? He does business development and event planning, and enjoys not having a shirt on. He surfs. He says he's a romantic and needs to be with someone who has the same lust for life that he does, and if he falls in love, that would be the most amazing thing ever.
Then there is Michael, 25, from Astoria, New York. He somehow makes a living as a breakdancing instructor. He teaches in East Harlem and says he had to "prove" himself to the kids, but doesn't explain what that means. He says something but I blocked it out because it involved him saying "passionate and like, 'wow!'"
Then there is someone jumping out of a plane, which is something I heartily endorse for pretty much anyone who comes on this show. Oh, wait. He's got a parachute on. Never mind. This is Julien, 24, a restaurateur from San Diego, whose best argument for doing this stupid show is that "Julien" and "Jillian" kind of sound alike.
Stephen, 30, a lawyer from New York, calls himself a catch because he just got out of law school. What? Then we watch him accosting women on the street. Big mystery why this guy can't get laid in a city of 8 million people. He watches a wedding party on the steps of what seems to be the set of Law & Order and thinks they're rubbing it in.
Juan, 35, is a general contractor from Santa Monica who was born in Argentina and moved to L.A. when he was two, presumably because his parents felt there were fewer opportunities in South America for people to do shirtless pushups on volleyballs on the beach. He runs the family business. He says his mom is a "brilliant architect." We can tell, because she harangues him that she wants a marriage and grandchildren. This would work out great because Jillian's an interior decorator. Oh, and also love and stuff too, I'm sure.
Say hi to Mark, 26, a "pizza entrepreneur" from Denver who has two companies: a marketing and branding company, and a pizza company. I think what he means is he sits around trying to think of ways to make himself famous when he's not spending time slinging dough at Pizza Hut. Cycling is a huge part of his life, even though he never thought he'd see himself in spandex, and Jillian better be prepared to get her ass on a bike.
Kyle, 26, a graphic designer from Brooklyn. He likes to go through thrift stores. Why would Jillian make a good match for him, he asks, and then proceeds to explain why he would make a good match for Jillian. "I look good. I smell good. I make love good." I hope he bleeds good. I volunteer to find out.
Sasha, 27, is an "oil and gas consultant" in Houston. I think that means he's a welder for an oil company. His family is Serbian, and it's a very animated household. Presumably this means we're going to sit through a wacky hometown date in the future, one that will feature accordion music. I suppose there are worse things. I just can't think of any right now. His mom (presumably) says he'll get the girl at the end because he's handsome and smart.
Then there's Wes, 32, a musician from Austin likes to sit outside his window and sensitively strum his guitar. Like every douchebag (myself included) in your freshman dorm at university. He's a country singer, so he amps up the twang as he belts out a song about love not coming easy. He says he had a No. 1 song in Chihuahua, Mexico. He says they nicknamed him "The Rooster." Dude, I think someone actually just called you a cock. "You know what they say. Nice guys finish last."
Straight to the top of the list of guys who make me want to punch myself: Greg, 32, from Scottsdale, Ariz., who says he goes by "Billbro." He calls himself a "fitness model," which means he's probably appeared in Men's Health in addition to low-budget all-male porn. On a scale of "1 to Billbro," he's a perfect Billbro. He's a ten. Yeah, he said it. He mumbles something about Jillian. "I think I'm in love, my friend." With himself, he means.
There's Jacob, 31, an airline pilot. But don't you go thinking he's one of those average pilots. You know, the guys for whom flying is just a 9-to-5 job. He's going to change the way we think about planes! "When I fly, it makes me feel free. It's my art." Yeah, you know what that means: flying upside down! He's the Michelangelo of that. He doesn't "recreationally date," either. He hopes to be America's romantic, and if things go well with Jillian, he would "definitely die" to make her dreams come true. God, I hope Jillian's dream turns out to be for someone to kill Billbro.
So let's take a break from the rampant man-famewhoring to meet Jillian again. Chris Harrison welcomes her back to the pad and asks her how it feels to be the one. "It feels great that I can take matters into my own hands," she says. He tells her there's a bunch of dudes on their way, but before they get there, they're going to sit down and have a talk. We don't need to be there, right?
After a commercial break, there's a "Tanner F" (which I guess unfortunately means there's at least two Tanners competing), 28, a sales representative from Derby, Kans., telling us that Jason "dropped the ball" on Jillian. As suit-clad guys pile into limousines, John P., a marketing specialist from South Norwalk, Conn., offers the already-beyond cliché comment that he's grateful to Jason, because without him, Jillian wouldn't be here. Which is really only true if you accept this show on its merits, which I refuse to do.
Douchebags toast each other in the limousines as the vehicles glide down the highway beside a setting sun, kind of like that point in the season of 24 where you know it's going to be dark for several episodes and things are going to get really bad.
Over at the Bachelorette pad, Jillian and Chris sit down. "In a million years, did you ever think you'd be back here as the Bachelorette?" asks Chris. Jillian says no way, but you know what? A million years is a really long time.
Jillian starts talking about how she's always been focused on her career and figured she'd eventually attract someone? But she had to let her guard down to show Jason something? I don't know. Chris says she has a famous quote: "You have to slay a few dragons to find the right prince." Yeah, Bartlett's has been calling on that one. He asks her to explain what that means. I'm going to assume anyone reading this isn't a moron and doesn't need it explained to them. Chris talks about how America fell in love with Jillian. Wait. I thought we fell in love with Melissa. Or was it Molly? Chris asks if she regrets anything, and Jillian asks if he means the hot tub thing, and she laughingly says that's what people in love do, isn't it? Yeah, but we're not talking about people in love; we're talking about you and Jason.
Chris asks if she's ready to accept a proposal. She says she is. The odds say it's not going to be something she has to worry about.
So she's going to meet the men. "This is the first day of the rest of my life," she says, adding that she's not nervous at all, but super, super pumped.
The first limo arrives, and we hear the men going all, "Do you see her?" "She's gorgeous!" and blah blah blah.
First one out is Kiptyn. "That's a great name," says Jillian. That's nice of her. She says she just got nervous. Kiptyn says the little he knows of her, he's impressed. Translation: he didn't watch last season.
up: Bryan, 28, a high school coach from Lawton, Okla., (he says "Dallas"). He says she looks gorgeous, and talks about high school football and how you're taught to knock people down, but he just wants to sweep her off her feet, and then he just picks her up, which I think constitutes assault anywhere but on this show.
Then there's John P., who hugs her. He says he's from Indiana, and refers to her calling herself a "polished hick," and he can see the "polished" part but is going to have to prove her "hickness." I guess he wants her to demonstrate ignorance of modern ways and customs?
up is Brian, 32, an IT consultant from Atlanta, who calls her "hot tub Harris." He's so done. Especially since he also joshes her about the hotdog bit. He says he's going to whip her up a hotdog, and poor Jillian doesn't know what he really means by that.
There's Jake, the commercial pilot, who seems floored by how beautiful she is. He asks her if she's ever flown an airplane. Of course she hasn't. That's because aviation isn't as big a part of her life as it is of his, apparently. He gives her some wings that he says a special person once gave him.
Inside the guys toast each other, and Jillian, who they all agree (as do I) looks amazing in her white dress. They also toast Jason's idiocy. I actually think there's some proposed legislation in Washington to observe Idiot Jason Day.
limo. First out is David, 27, a trucking contractor from Dayton. The electric guitar cuts out as he gets tongue-tied while trying to explain how thrilled he is to meet her. Then there's Tanner from Denver, who says he'll be 90 years old on a rocking chair with her. Then there's the breakdancing instructor who tells her they were all freaking out in the limo about how good she looks.
Then there's Robby, 25, a bartender from Spring, Texas, and he says he makes drinks for the special people in his life, and he's going to make one for her. That's the nicest way this show is going to work "cock" and "tail" into a come-on.
up is John H., 27, a "branding consultant" from Boise, Idaho. They need a lot of those in Boise. He talks about having a passion for life. Then there's Sasha, who calls this a mix of "prom" and "your first high school dance" all in one. In other words, kind of like your first high school dance and your last high school dance.
Here comes Brad, 27, a financial advisor from Chicago, who charmingly pretends to brush the dandruff off his shoulders. She manages not to mention his over-lavendered shirt and tie combination.
Mathue, 26, is a personal trainer from Wichita. He's wearing a cowboy hat because he's a big country-music fan, and it's autographed by a bunch of country artists, including Jillian's favorites, the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band (she loses SO MANY points for all of this). He invites her to sign the hat, which will only make it worth less on eBay.
Simon, 26, is a soccer coach from Bradford, England. He has an English accent, but not one so thick that it justifies the use of subtitles when he speaks. God damn this condescending show anyway. He says he wants to teabag her (I'm paraphrasing).
Jesse, 27, is a wine maker from Carmel Valley, Calif. He says he wasn't sure about doing the show. UNTIL HE FOUND OUT THE BACHELORETTE WAS JILLIAN! Tell her lies, tell her sweet little lies, Jesse.
Chris comes out to make some small talk. The topic is how awesome all the guys are so far. Then the limo comes up, and someone gets the First Person to Refer to This as 'Surreal' For Some Reason rose.
Then out comes Julien, the restaurateur, who says he's been impressed with all the good things people have said about her. Wes the musician has to show what a musician he is by wearing jeans. He kisses her hand and says he's really excited. But he sounds like Tardy the Turtle from Greg the Bunny. Kyle the graphic designer comes out. So except for Julien, this is the bohemian limo so far. Then Kyle goes in the wrong door and sounds really annoyed.
Adam, 27, is an Olympic cyclist from Long Beach. He looks kind of like Thom Yorke, if he ate Thom Yorke. He says he knows things can get kind of crazy in there. But apparently he doesn't give a shit, because he demands the "first five minutes" of Jillian's time.
Then there's the lawyer Steve, who jokingly thanks her for going to all this trouble for her. Then Juan comes out, which means we're forced to hear some stereotypical flamenco music. He speaks some Spanish to her, which of course she doesn't understand.
up, Caleb, 27, a photographer from Nashville. He's wearing jeans, too, and doesn't say a whole lot. Josh, 25, a lifeguard from Newport Beach, Calif., tells her she looks beautiful.
Out comes "Billbro," who invites Jillian to "hug it out" because this guy can't be obnoxious for not even one second. He tells her that when he was 17, his sister asked him to marry her and her husband. "I've been married five people since [sic], two of which were Canadians," he tells her. It's nice of him to let her know that he's got experience with the Canadian peoples. Then he asks to "hug it out" again before he goes inside. Mark the pizza entrepreneur guy comes in, who refers to her hotdog theory, and says he has a "pizza theory" and asks her what she likes on her pizza. Pepperoni, green pepper, black olives, mushrooms, ham and sometimes even anchovies. He probably should have thought this through a little bit more, or at least decided to say that that combination means she's perfect. "I think it means I'm perfect!" she says. Mark looks like he wishes he'd thought of that.
So that's 25 guys. Chris asks if her future husband is in there, and Jillian tells him, "Easy on the H-word, there." Even though that's the point of this stupid show. Chris tells her she'll have to send ten of them home, and reminds her of the first-impression rose.
Jillian heads inside, where the guys all pretend to be really excited about meeting Jillian. Sample dialogue: "What do you say to an angel?" Well, first I finish throwing up. Then I'll think of something. The guys applaud when Jillian shows up. She tells them to be themselves, and she's there to find the love of her life and her best friend. She wants two guys? That's not fair. That's called "pulling a Mesnick."
So Jillian mingles. Kiptyn tells us she's "hot" and "cute" and "sexy." All the guys agree. I think breakdancing Michael puts it best: "She punched me right in the face with how beautiful she looked." He talks about her curves. No one says anything about how funny or smart she seems. Jake says she can definitely be his co-pilot. Okay, we get it. You're a pilot.
He sits down with Jillian and tells her that he's the "black sheep" of the family because the rest of his siblings are doctors. Yeah, I don't think a pilot is exactly the shame of the family. Jesse horns in to talk about his family business -- wine -- and Jillian says she likes shirazes and syrahs, and Jesse unfortunately calls wine "love juice." Then he unbuttons his shirt to reveal a T-shirt with a Maple Leaf and "Aspiring Canadian" on it.
Inside, the guys talk about how Jesse is "killin' it" out there. Tanner F says he's going to take the shot, and then he does indeed cut in and spirits Jillian away. In an interview, Jillian talks about how flattering this is, but overwhelming. Just once, whether it's a bachelor or bachelorette, I'd love for the object of affection to realize that they don't have to be taken away. Or maybe they do. Is that part of the contract? Tanner talks about wanting someone to take his breath away.
The English guy talks about how she's been gone for quite a while, so she's probably with a pretty good guy. You know, if you're stupid to understand what he's saying, you're probably too dumb to read the long subtitles quickly enough before they're taken off the screen.
Then the surfing guy talks to her. I forget who he is already. It's really not important yet, right? He says he was impressed with her last season, because she seems the most real. He says that's his thing, just being real. You know, I think if you have to explain that you're being real? You're not being real. Oh, wait, it's Kiptyn. You'd think I would have remembered that. In an interview, Jillian says the guys seem to keep getting better looking and better looking. I'm sure the alcohol doesn't have anything to do with that. She says she relies on her personality, not her looks, so she hopes the guys are attracted to that. Fortunately, Juan sits with her and in an interview talks about how easy she is to talk it. And not her tits and ass, like Michael did.
Jillian goes back in to sit with the aspiring Mr. Bachelors for a bit, but it's not long before Chris comes in with a first-impression rose. As usual, we get someone (this time, it's Stephen) who tells us that up until then everybody forgot that this was a competition and some of these guys are going to be going home. Jillian says she thought that this was going to be a really black-and-white decision, but it's tougher than that, because there are so many great guys out there. So here's where it starts: the constant complaining about how she never knew how hard it would be to be on the other side of the rose ceremony. After this, I really hope we go back to having fresh contestants for the Bachelors and Bachelorettes.
"You're cruisin' for a bruisin', bro," says someone, as the guys pick up the rose and pass it around. Kyle says people are getting "catty" in there, and some guys are "bleeps," if he's being honest. Then Kyle draws a mustache on Jillian's index finger, which is something his friends all have tattoos of, and she can hold her finger up to her nose and pretend she's Snidely Whiplash? Brian, sitting there, admits to being creeped out. Because he's so not gay that even a comical mustache makes him not horny for Jillian, or something. In an interview, he shrugs, "All right, Kyle, if that's how you want to rock it out." Which, honestly, is more annoying than Kyle's finger mustache in the first place.
And with Kyle and his "arty talk" pissing Brian off, he says he decided to go the other way and show her that he's just a "redneck from Alabama." Guy, you're an I.T. CONSULTANT. But he starts talking to her about trailer parks. "That's just how we roll." He says something about all the energy and "ethnicity" in New York. As for him, his ethnicity is "honky." For some reason, this makes Kyle tell him about a Peruvian relative. For some reason, that makes Brian talk about giving Kyle a waffle iron to the face.
Thank god, someone comes to break it up. Unfortunately, he picks her up and carries her outside to sit by the pool. Jillian says she could get used to being swept off her feet all the time. I think it'd be annoying.
Then Wes decides it's time to "whup some ass" and gets out a guitar to play her a song he wrote about how crazy it is to fall in love in just six weeks. It's his "love don't come easy" song, and of course all the guys who don't play instruments (or at least the ones who in high school thought band class was for fags) think this is dirty pool. The financial advisor is all, "Come on, guitar? Really? You gotta bring that out? You can't just be yourself the first night?" Well, he is a musician. Maybe you'll get lucky, and your offer to do her taxes will make her want to take off her dress for you.
Thank god one of the guys acknowledges that it takes guts to do that. "Yeah, but that's what he does," says another. Wes finishes up, and Jillian says he just found her weak spots. In an interview, she says all these guys are doing all these crazy things to get her attention, and she didn't expect to have a "mini-connection" with so many guys.
Then the breakdancing instructor does his thing and decides to teach her some moves. "It's cheesy, but I kinda fell in love a little bit," says Michael, because despite her being all dolled up, she kicks off her heels and gives it her best shot. Then he does a hilarious impression of Billbro coming in and saying it's time to do battle. "It's go time," says Billbro. And they have a... dance-off? What? Michael's clearly the better dancer, but Billbro's better than you think. He's nowhere near as good as he thinks he is, but he clearly thinks he's amazing at everything. Jillian calls it "surreal" that all these guys want to talk to her.
Then David takes some time to talk to her, and Jillian teases him about getting all tongue-tied when they met, saying that he did it to make himself stand out. They have a nice little conversation, and he's pleased because he thinks she got to know a little bit about who he is.
Chris Harrison comes in to say that the response to her being the Bachelorette was so overwhelming, that they're doing something unprecedented. He brings in five new guys. Yes, instead of the arbitrary 25 bachelors, as per the usual rules of this show, it's going to be 30 bachelors! As bombshells go, it's not exactly Hiroshima. But the first 25 bachelors react like this is some kind of egregious betrayal of societal norms.
"Fellas, the competition was tough. It just got tougher," says Chris, adding that the time he sees them, it will be at the rose ceremony. Jillian comes over to meet the new guys, joking that she feels like she's cheating on her 25 guys.
The new guys, introduced quickly, are: Ed, Bryce from Fort Lauderdale, Reed from Philadelphia, Mike, and another Tanner, this one from Dallas. Mike tells her to take a step back, which she does, and then he throws her a baseball. She catches it. "Wow. You are a great catch," he says. Everyone in the room rightfully groans at that. Seriously, Chris Harrison should have stepped in and said, "I'm sorry. You are immediately disqualified for that cornball line." Ed, 29, is a technology consultant from Chicago, who says that he thinks they're playing a little bit of catch-up with Jillian. He sits down for some one-on-one time, and he talks about how up until now he's been focusing on his career, instead of love. She relates to that. He says he feels like she's very outgoing, admitting that all he knows about her, he knows from his family.
Inside, Stephen laments that he hasn't had any one-on-one time, and some of the guys are feeling like the addition of five new guys will make it all the tougher to spend some time with her. One of the new guys, Tanner P., 30, a financial consultant from Dallas, figures all the other guys have had plenty of time to get to know her, so he's going for it. Oh, and he's got a foot thing, so his goal is to see her feet. He figures he can know if he wants to marry someone within ten seconds of seeing their feet. Outside, he casually suggests that they take their shoes off and dip their feet in the water, while in an interview, he lists off all the things he's looking for (high arches, painted nails) and things he's not (crooked toes, eagle claw. I agree, a woman with eagle feet would be disconcerting). In an interview, Jillian says she felt really comfortable with Tanner, because she could just take her shoes off and relax.
Someone else comes in to dry off her feet, which pisses off Tanner. But good news, Jillian! Tanner has deemed your feet to be worthy of his love! More sniping and backbiting by the guys, with a lot of the vitriol directed towards Mike and his brutal "you are a great catch" line. It would be so nice to see a fistfight. Can't they get a little bit drunker?
Meanwhile, there's still the first-impression rose to give out. Jillian comes inside and picks it up, and walks out. All the guys who were sitting around follow her from room to room until she finds David, the guy who got all tongue-tied upon meeting her, and she takes him outside to give him the rose, calling it a "second chance at a first impression" rose. A lot of the guys seem stunned by the selection, none more so than Kyle, who admits that Dave rubbed him the wrong way. Hear that, Dave? No finger-moustache tattoo for you! David puts the rose in his lapel. "I'm blown away," says David, who can't stop smiling.
Jake says he's disappointed, but Dave got more one-on-one time. Juan insightfully tells us that David must have made an impression. You think so?
Anyway, then Chris comes in to break up the party and take Jillian away. She addresses the guys before leaving. "You guys totally exceeded all my expectations. Every single one of you has been remarkable."
But first, another painful chat with Chris Harrison in the deliberation room. He asks how the night has gone. Fabulous, says Jillian. Same old same old, from where I'm sitting. She says it was nerve-racking to walk in a room full of guys that good-looking. And then adding the five guys made things that much worse. Harrison says it was fun to watch the first 25 guys puff up and become a team against the five new guys.
Chris runs down some of the guys she met: breakdancing Michael, finger-mustache Kyle, musician Wes. Foot-fetish Tanner P. Because we are all morons, Chris and Jillian can't just talk about these guys, we have to see clips of the show we just watched.
Oh, are you serious? Even with the five new guys, there are still only ten guys going home tonight? God, I hate this show. Send home twenty-eight, and let's have the season finale week. Would anyone be against this?
Rose ceremony, a little more crowded than usual. Not that this really means it's some sort of historical first, as Chris Harrison would have us believe, but anyway. Jillian comes out, and says she always hated it when the person would have the little "heart-to-heart" when they get up there. Then that's just what she does, babbling about how wonderful they are and how hard this is.
And now, the roses: Jakethepilot. Jesse the wine guy. Wes the musician, naturally. Mathue the personal trainer. Michael the breakdancing instructor. Robert the... I forget what this guy does. Ed the technology consultant. Reed the guy who, um, I forget him, too. He pretends to think about whether he wants a rose or not. Simon the guy who speaks English yet "needs" subtitles. Kiptyn, the guy named Kiptyn. Mike, the "great catch" guy who really deserved to be going home for that cheeseball line alone. Brian B., the redneck IT consultant who called her "Hot Tub Harris." Sasha the Serb. Julien donkey-boy. Tanner P., the... man, there are too many. I'm just going to say their names. Mark. Brad. He tells her she doesn't have to wait so long time before giving him a rose. Tanner M. Oh, come on! Shouldn't there be a rule against having more than one Tanner? Last rose goes to Juan, which means receding hairline Stephen doesn't make it. More important, Greg the Billbro doesn't make it! Hug it out, Billbro. Man, the guys are awfully huggy considering they only just got to know each other. John P. says he was crushed, because he honestly thought they were soul mates. She seemed like the girl version of him. Stephen didn't see it coming. Did you forget to tell her you just graduated from law school? "Maybe she doesn't like awesome guys," he says. I don't think that's it, actually. John H. says she's missing out on getting to know a really genuine guy. So wait, no 'roid-rage clips of Billbro's reaction to being rejected?
They have some clips of what's coming up this season, but it's going to painful enough to recap them when they actually happen, so now I'm going to watch the season finale of 24. One thing I think we can all agree on: it's going to be the most recent season of The Bachelorette EVER.
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