This week on The Bachelor: a bunch of girls want a solo date with Juan Pablo. They can't hide their disappointment when Chris shows up instead of JP, and he tells them that there will be two solo dates and one group date this week and reminds them that if the solo dater doesn't get a rose, she has to go right home, but if she does she's safe until the week. He then puts the date card on the table, and Cassandra wins the first one-on-one date. Renee reminds us that for her and Cassandra, the stakes are higher than for the others since they have kids too, just like JP.
While the girls fret about JP, he's having a picnic in the park with his daughter and parents in Long Beach, and says he's glad that after he has his dates, he can have regular family time with them. He reminds us of his promise to Cassandra from last week not to waste her time if he realizes this isn't going to work out, since she has a son and can't fuck around going on dream dates and pursuing a ridiculous falsified sense of love like the other women who don't have children. He's waiting for her with a gaudy green and grey topless Jeep, and while they cruise she tells us she hasn't been on a first date since she was 18 (she's only 21 now) which is why she's nervous. Girlfriend, it doesn't necessarily get better, by the way. He then turns and drives the truck directly into the water, because it's a Top Gear-ish truck/boat but works much better than anything on that show since it actually stays afloat and they go tearing around the bay.
Back at the house Renee and Elise are catching up, talking about why they came on the show. Renee figured why not, since dating as a single mom is hard. Elise tells Renee that her mom got melanoma and wrote a Bachelor application letter. After her mom passed away, Elise found the letter and took it as a sign that it was meant to be. Look, honestly, it's the best reason I could imagine to actually put yourself through going on this ridiculous show.
After tearing around on the water, JP drive-boats them up to a yacht and they get on and strip to their bathing suits. The two have a Bachelor-obligatory hand-holding jump into the water and then cuddle and make out. They then go to what I think is the house where JP is living and admire Camila's drawings stuck to the fridge as he tells us he wants to make it homey so that Cassandra will open up. This involves teaching her how to dance with their pelvises touching and Cassandra admits she's surprised to have "these" feelings. That's what happens when a man dances with a pretty girl, honey -- you might have forgotten in the three years since your last date, which has been mentioned now four times. Oh wait, she means EMOTIONS. My bad.
A date card arrives at the house, and Kelly the dog lover thinks that winning a rose last time means she deserves a solo date. She's pretty ticked off when she's named for yet another group date along with Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy and Nikki. Elise is excited not to have been named because that leaves her, Chelsie, Clare and Kat, and since the last two already have had solo dates she thinks her chances of scoring one now are good.
JP and Cassandra are giggling over dessert and then look at pictures of their kids by the glow of the firelight. They have a brief disagreement about if two is too early to go to pre-K, and JP seems a little alarmed about Cassandra being overprotective. He tries to pretend that it's all sweet, but the look behind his eyes is one of mild terror. She wanted to take this time on the show focus on herself and see if maybe things would work out with JP and tells him that she's enjoying herself. He apparently is too, because he offers her a rose and when she accepts they share some slightly awkward closed-mouth smooches.
The group date is at the LA Galaxy's soccer stadium -- JP's stoked because he gets to kick around with some of the guys before his harem arrives. The girls squeal when the limos drive them directly onto the field, and then squeal some more about how hot JP looks kicking around a ball. Kelly has put on all of the makeup she brought for this single date. JP tells them he knows they don't all know how to play but he just wants to see who can loosen up and have fun. Alli the soccer player, meanwhile, thinks she's got this in the bag because she's been playing her whole life. Andi is wearing a piece of tape on her shirt with her name on it, and I'm so curious how that came about and if it was for the crew or for JP and he really is still THAT terrible with names. Probably the former but I so hope it's the latter. JP leads them in drills and is taking mental notes on how everyone does and what kind of attitude they have.
Back at the house, Clare and Cassandra wonder if any of the other girls will be so bold as to kiss him on the group date and then wonder who will get the date. They suspect Elise, who herself is talking with Chelsie about the same thing. Elise tells us that Chelsie seems really young and she doesn't think JP will pick her.
The girls then put on jerseys (and embarrassingly write JP's name and whatnot on their skin just to really remind him of how they feel) and play a 5-on-5 scrimmage. Basically, everyone's desire to impress JP turns them super aggressive and Sharleen gets pretty beat up, even taking a ball to the face. She keeps getting up and trying, so JP is impressed. Andi scores three goals for the red team and thinks this rose is hers to lose, while JP joins the blue team to try and help them out because they are doing so badly. When the game ends, JP opens up and sprays a bottle of champagne before they go change into their most alluring date attire.
JP leads them up to where a cocktail party has been set up on one of the concourses. Nikki is the first one for alone time and asks him what his biggest fear was coming in to the show. He says it's hurting people, which is an amazing coincidence because her biggest fear was getting hurt and she tells him that's why she's been kind of reserved. He tells her he thinks she's sexy and has a good vibe, and she thinks it was easy to talk to him after being worried about it. I mean, it was probably going to be better alone time than on the last date no matter what, since they likely wouldn't be interrupted again by another girl getting blitzed and having a breakdown. They share a big hug, but no kiss. then pulls Andi over the counter at one of the snack bars and they have a soda and talk about how now this is suddenly serious for her before going to the kitchen and make out for a little while.
Back at the house, the girls are all waiting for the date card and Elise is sure it's going to be hers. But we saw so many shots of Elise being super confident that it's not super surprising when it turns out that Chelsie is going on the other solo date. Elise's claws come out a little bit as she insinuates that Chelsie would be like another daughter for JP since she's so young.
Back at the stadium, the girls all fret about the dates and try to spy as much as possible on the others during their alone time. JP takes Sharleen out to the middle of the field and lays down a blanket for them to sit and talk. She's worried about how "organic" a situation this is (um, not at all, in any way, whatsoever, no matter what anyone says) but he assures her that it feels organic with her and he thinks she is being herself. It's so organic, in fact, that he kisses her, tongue and all, but since they are in the middle of the stadium under all the lights, all the other girls see and fly into a tizzy. JP then walks Sharleen back up and tells the girls this is his favorite group date. (Never mind that this is only his second one.) He then awards Nikki the rose. She doesn't want to rub it in anyone's face but she does want to do a celebratory cabbage patch in her seat. Sharleen is suddenly racked with doubt and hates herself for giving a shit.
Nothing says romance like having to pack all of your belongings before leaving on a date, which is what Chelsie is doing. When JP arrives, he first apologizes to Elise for her not getting the date and she thinks it's a good sign that his immediate attention is on her. He and Chelsie then leave, and he puts on some music in the car to make her comfortable while they drive. Back at the house, Elise talks more crap about how Chelsie isn't mature enough for JP and that she feels certain she won't be there for long.
Chelsie and JP, meanwhile, go to Pasadena and get Venezuelan food for lunch, in advance of some sort of challenge that even has JP scared. The two then walk to this giant famous bridge, and while they do she admits she's a little bit afraid of heights. It's going to suck for her, then, that the challenge is to do a tandem bungee jump. I've driven by and under this bridge a million times and seriously, no promise of a date or even many thousands of dollars or anything else would get me to jump off of it -- I can't even look at the screen when the camera shows the view over the edge of the platform. Chelsie is surprisingly cool for a little while but finally starts to panic, though to her credit her level of panic doesn’t begin to hit the theatrical heights of most reality show contestants.
She tries not to cry, and looks very much like she might puke, and JP makes her look at him and asks what she wants to do. They step back off the platform, and JP quietly tells her that they are going to be okay and asks her to do it for him. Well, now I might puke a little bit. He tells her he'll do whatever she wants to do, and they get back on the platform but then step back to the bridge and he assures her he's fine with whatever she decides. The poor instructor looks a little fed up, and you can tell the time is steadily passing by the fog rolling in and setting sun. Chelsie is so moved by his sincerity, though, that then she decides that it's fine to fling herself out into the abyss. Once they finish bouncing, she and JP make out while hanging upside down. Of course JP thinks she's amazing, like he does about all of these women.
The two of them go to Pasadena City Hall (which is a super gorgeous building) where a table and candles are set up in the courtyard, and Chelsie tells him how awesome he was when she was scared. He asks him his biggest fear, which is not being a good example for his daughter. I hope that one day he sits his daughter down, then, and tells her that this is a terrible and unrealistic way to meet a mate and that maybe she shouldn't compete against a bunch of other women for a man she doesn't even actually know. Chelsie's biggest fear is not being happy, and she doesn't want to wind up trying to please everyone else and not fulfilling herself. She went against the grain by becoming a teacher when her family was filled with doctors and dentists. JP thinks that somehow he can tell through all of this that she's maternal.
Kat and Elise sit down at the house and Elise admits that she's disappointed but still claims not to be threatened by Chelsie because she's a young little girl who can't bring anything to the table. Of course, she's saying all of this being a ripe old 27 to Chelsie's 24.
Back at City Hall, JP and Chelsie talk about Camila and Chelsie is painfully aware of the rose sitting on the table but it doesn’t seem to take too long for him to give it to her. I mean, this did seem like a pretty good date, but I'm starting to wonder already if JP is ever NOT going to give someone a rose. Music then starts to play, and the two run over to where a stage is set up and Billy Currington is playing a private concert. Chelsie thinks the only thing that might make the night better is if it turns out to have been the first date with her future husband. JP tells us he wants someone as fun and positive as Chelsie is.
The day of the rose ceremony, JP sneaks over the house bright and early to cook the girls a Venezuelan breakfast but really he wants to see what they look like with no makeup first thing in the morning. Kelly is the first one downstairs, since she has to walk Molly, and she tries to run away before he can see her with glasses and no makeup. Renee, on the other hand, gives him a big hug and hangs out which super endears her to JP. Kelly appears to have come back down even with her offending glasses still on, and the other girls all slowly make their way to the kitchen too. After they eat, JP calls them together and suggests they do a pool party instead of a cocktail party. Free Spirit Lucy is excited to be in her element and show off, which I fear means that her top is not long for this world.
Kat decides that she's going to get some time with JP by climbing on his shoulders to play games in the pool, and Kelly declares that this makes her look like an inconsiderate whore. So, in other words, she's pissed she didn't have the idea first. The other girls all think Kat definitely turns it on for both the cameras and JP, and talk about her while she has some alone time with him. Almost all of them are totally jealous and uncomfortable, especially Sharleen. She gets some time with him and admits she doesn’t like how intrusive it is to have cameras in her face all the time, but JP tries to get her to relax and be herself, again. I totally get where Sharleen is coming from, except for the fact that, well, having cameras in her face is exactly what she signed up for with this show. She cries, and he comforts her first with words and then with his lips. The other girls realize that they can see the two of them, and get pissed when they start making out again.
Clare can't handle it and goes to her room, so Renee the Bachelor Den Mother goes to talk to her. Renee deserves a medal -- she does seem to just be someone who is generally caring as opposed to this being some part of a larger game she's playing to fool everyone into thinking she's nice. I do think this comes from being a little bit older and being a mom, and having some perspective on where this experience falls in the Grand Scheme of Life. I also am amused by the fact that the cameras are obviously not allowed into the bathrooms so that's where the girls try to get away even though the mics then pick up everything they say anyway.
Clare then gets some time with JP and eventually admits that she thinks their date was a while ago and he might be forgetting her. As basically every girl on this show has said before, she hates that she's put herself out there, and that this isn't normal life where he can actually give her regular feedback about how he's feeling. He then tells her how gorgeous she looked first thing in the morning, and she feels somewhat reassured that things are good between them. Chris then arrives and pulls JP away so that they can get ready for the rose ceremony.
At the ceremony, Chris assures the women that Juan Pablo feels pretty certain that his future wife is in this room. He then calls the man himself up to hand out the weekly flora. Cassandra, Nikki and Chelsie already have roses, and after telling the girls how much fun he's had and yet again how this is getting harder for him, he hands out some more to Andi, Renee, Kelly (and Molly), Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alli, Clare and Lauren. In my favorite ridiculous tradition, Chris then comes out to introduce the lone remaining rose and after some tortured staring, JP gives it to Danielle. Seriously, Danielle needs some screen time because I only remember her on account of her not being any of the other girls who we've actually seen. Christy and Free Spirit Lucy are the ones out this week, and poor Christy beats herself up for not being open enough. Free Spirit Lucy cries a little, but goes out on a good note, making me like her a little bit more, when she says that she hopes everyone there gets what they are looking for because everyone deserves something special. Special and naked, is what I imagine she's thinking.
Lauren S is a writer who lives and works in Atlanta and hopes you'll accept her rose. She wants everyone to know: "The views expressed in my recaps and anything else I might write on TWoP are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer."