By Lauren S | Season 18 | Episode 8.2 | Aired on 02.25.2014
Juan Pablo is at a beautiful resort in Saint Lucia and tells us he's two weeks away from proposing so he's really got to make some good decisions now. I guess this is instead of just enjoying getting his hands and lips (and maybe some other body parts) on as many tight, bikini-clad bodies as he can? He explains that this week they will go on overnight dates, which are dates with no cameras that give him and his ladies the chance to do a lot of talking. You know he's looking forward to speaking the same language he and Clare spoke in the ocean in Vietnam.
Speaking of Clare, she's up first to see him. She is, of course, giddy and repeatedly refers to JP as the man of her dreams. I don't know about you, but in my dreams I'm not fighting off hordes of other women just for a man to choose me. Clare tells us that if JP asks her to stay the night, she's not sure yet of what her answer will be, which I don't really believe for a second.
He takes her onto a yacht, and she's a little surprised to find that their date could feature ocean swimming after the joy and subsequent shame and disaster of last time. She gets pretty comfortable pretty quickly, though, and the two of them make out in a tangle of limbs for a while. She asks him what he thought about spending time with her family, and while he finally concedes that Laura (Lara?) doesn't seem to like him, he claims that he loved all of them. After he left, Laura apparently kept brushing off anything Clare said about her true, deep feelings because she thinks this is all just a show for the TV cameras. Apparently their mom was kind of nodding about that, but Clare is convinced she's in love and when she reminds her mom that she and Clare's dad were engaged three weeks after they met, her mom has to admit that true love really can happen that fast. Clare takes this to mean that she has come around and is totally supportive of her feelings for this stupid dude. She and JP do some very Titanic-esque snuggling at the prow of the boat and then dare to go swim in the ocean once again.
Later, the two make their way to a torch-lit dinner and for his part, JP doesn't even seem to doubt that Clare will accept the invite to talk all night in private. They talk some about Camila, and how Clare would want to assure her that she wouldn't be trying to take the place of Camila's mom, and JP finds this totally endearing. He then whips out Chris Harrison's personal invitation to the fantasy suite, and asks her how she feels. She hesitates for a long while and then brings up Vietnam and somehow makes it her problem again, blaming herself once more for not taking into account how worried JP might be that Camila could be scandalized by his actions. Look, I realize that sentence makes no sense -- it's because none of this makes sense and it's just kind of gross and sad.
By Lauren S | Season 18 | Episode 8.2 | Aired on 02.25.2014
Somehow, though, after more jumbled conversation they somehow decide they understand each other and do want to spend the night talking so much more. If Clare really wants to accept this nonsense, then I think the two of them are made for each other. JP makes a toast to knowing each other much more by morning, and Clare goes fairly silent and awkward. With tears in her eyes and after lots of prompting from him, she tells him she's falling in love. She then reiterates to the camera just how badly she wants JP to propose to her.
The lady to arrive is Andi and both of them interview about how fun it's going to be and how much they like each other and other repetitive filler. Watch as they stroll hand in hand and then play the steel drums and laugh and laugh! When they sit down to eat, there are some kids at the table and Andi is completely charmed to see JP talk to them and buy them some juice. Then, thing she knows, JP has taken the opportunity to pull off his shirt for a game of pickup soccer with the adorable children.
Afterward, they hop into a dune buggy and take a drive into the jungle. She's completely smitten when he leads her down a path to a waterfall where a champagne picnic has been set out for them, but admits that she was scared after the home visit since neither JP nor her family would tell her what they talked about. JP tells her what it was like and does pretty accurately recount the conversation with Hy, where Hy said he wouldn't give his blessing until Andi was the only woman in JP's life. Of course Andi finds this charming and says she is falling in love and can't believe she might be engaged in a week. Different locale, different girl, but basically the same sound bites. She's excited, she wants to spend her life with him, blah blah tropical-inspired totally-not-real-love blah.
They arrive at dinner, and JP tells us that tonight is important because he wants to make sure Andi isn't trying to force falling in love -- he apparently was freaked out by her saying how BADLY (emphasis his) she wanted to fall in love and he wants this to only happen naturally. It's really condescending because the whole reason people, JP included, go on this show is (supposedly) to fall in love, but yet somehow now she might be trying to force it?
He brings this up with her, and she points out that there's a difference between wanting to fall in love and forcing oneself to do it. She then takes some of the blame, pointing out that she's always been an overthinker, as if that somehow caused JP to misunderstand her meaning. He assures her that thinking is great, which must be something someone else told him once because he's not yet given me the impression that he's ever much burdened by the task himself, no matter what he tells the cameras at the beginning of each episode. Andi actually appreciates knowing that he was actually listening to what she said, and he assures her he listens all the time. They talk in circles about "thinking" until the word loses all meaning, and then he tells her that it's important to find someone who is good with his daughter, because if he's ever gone, Camila would be with that person. Call me crazy, but wouldn't Camila stay with her mother if JP got into some fatal shirtless soccer accident?
By Lauren S | Season 18 | Episode 8.2 | Aired on 02.25.2014
The thing is, these two are so talky and there isn't the dumb ease that exists between him and Clare, so I can't see Andi ever being the one he chooses anyway. He brings out Chris' fantasy suite note, and after Andi reads it she tells him that if he thinks this relationship is serious, then they should totally spend the night together doing more talking. They sit down and have their own champagne toast to, "a long talking night," which they kick off with a lot of making out. JP says he thinks that she could be the one.
The morning, JP wakes up all happy and in love after talking and laughing for hours, and he couldn't be more pleased. Andi isn't there, and what JP doesn't know is that she couldn't get out of the suite fast enough the morning. "The fantasy suite turned into a nightmare." She says that she saw a side of JP she didn't like, the night was a disaster, and she hopes that he also realizes that it was a horrible date. She admits that they had good chemistry in the weeks leading up to this fateful night, but that once they were alone, every time she started talking about herself or her past, he then started talking about himself. This is a dude who chose to be the centerpiece of a nationally televised dating show, with women fighting over him, and this is surprising?
That said, it's incredibly refreshing to see a woman actually have the realization, even this late in the game, that there isn't anything there. It wasn't only that she found him self-centered, but he also then mentioned the overnight with Clare, which she felt was much more information than she ever wanted. "There's just no filter with him." She's offended that he thinks that no matter what he says, everyone will fall in love with him. Right now, to be honest, I'm falling a little in love with her. She is sad to think back on all of the emotions that she had for him, but again, all of these women are all set up in situations to make falling in love as easy as possible, even with a beefy douchebag. She cries as she tries to figure out how she's going to now dump him.
I guess that isn't going to happen immediately, because the we see is JP attaching a tote bag to a horse's saddle while he gets ready for his overnight with Nikki HOLY CRAP HER OUTFIT. I'm sorry, I felt I needed to express via text what happened in my brain when she showed up on screen. She's wearing a fringed bikini top with a pair of patterned, flowy pants that look like ones I owned circa 1997 except these have an approximate four-inch inseam and not the foot-long one mine sported back in the day. They're excited to see each other, they think each other is great… just insert every generic quote about love and being nervous about deep feelings here. JP likes how sexy and what a great kisser she is, like he does about everyone ever. He then makes some gross crack about how sexy she'd be riding the horse in just a thong and even Nikki can't bring herself to play along and flirt about that because that just sounds disgusting.
By Lauren S | Season 18 | Episode 8.2 | Aired on 02.25.2014
She says she needs a strong person to match her, and she thinks he fits the bill. She also comments on what a great dad he is, which I guess she has figured out during the hardly any time at all she's seen him with his daughter. They sit down for a picnic on the beach and like everyone else, Nikki wants to hear what JP talked about with her dad. She apparently is now questioning his feelings since he admitted to her dad, with four women left, that he's not yet sure if Nikki is the one. She's still a little bit unclear on the concept of how this show works, it seems. She tells him she wants him, and when she says she's scared of getting hurt he gives her magical kisses of reassurance.
They go to their own candlelit dinner in the sand and he says the same thing he has to both other women -- that he can tell she's been thinking a lot. Either he's exclusively dated non-thinkers (not a farfetched supposition) or he's projecting his own empty head onto everyone else. She is worried that he has doubts about her feelings, and I think he somehow tells her he doesn't, but at this point he talks in such circles that I don't even understand what is going on.
I think Andi cracked the code -- he's not good about talking about anything other than himself (and even then, he's fighting an uphill battle to actually make any sense). The only thing that's ever actually clear is how sexy he finds all these women. He pulls out the fantasy suite invite, and unlike the other two ladies, Nikki immediately tells him she'd love to spend the night with him. She interviews that she wants to admit her feelings to him so that she has no regrets down the line. They kiss a while, and then finally she manages to sputter that she loves him. He seems dumbfounded and mildly terrified, to be honest, but he covers it up with more kisses.
Disingenuously, JP again refers to this as the hardest rose ceremony yet, since he doesn't know who he wants to choose. Chris meets him and sits down for a little chat, where JP says he's feeling really good and likes all of these girls. Chris calls him out on his generic expressions and suggests that maybe it's the language barrier, but he can't tell if JP actually has strong feelings for anyone. I think JP wants to punch Chris, just a little, but he fights hard to act cool and say that he does feel strongly. Maybe I'm projecting now, but it feels like Chris doesn't like JP too much himself and is kind of savoring setting him up. Each of the girls recorded a video for JP to watch before the ceremony, so Chris leaves him to it.
By Lauren S | Season 18 | Episode 8.2 | Aired on 02.25.2014
Nikki's and Clare's videos are both totally generic, telling him how great it's been to get to know him and how much they love him and can't wait to see what the future holds. Then, it's time for Andi. She tells him that she had no idea what to expect with the process, and she went from having a crush to having feelings, to then questioning where she might fit into things with him. And then, when she woke up in the suite on the night of their fantasy date she had a lot of thoughts, and she wants to share them in person. With that, up the road she walks in her most somber white lace shorts.
She reiterates, in an interview, that she doesn't have feelings for him and they have no future together, and she thinks he doesn't take this process seriously since he never once wanted to talk about her and just wanted to kiss her and talk about himself. He's so out of touch that he's not worried about what she might have to say, and immediately goes to his favorite move, brushing her hair behind her ear while gazing at her with his head cocked.
She starts off easy by telling him how she really did fall for him, but that after the night in the suite she realized that she wasn't in love and never would be. His reaction, or non-reaction, if you will, is priceless: he just stares blankly and then tells her it's okay, that he respects her and her non-feelings. She doesn't think it's okay, actually, because she took the process seriously and put her life on hold to put herself out there emotionally. She might as well be talking to an android for all of the feeling and understanding he is showing. He just keeps saying, over and over, "It's okay," and when she calls him on that and wants him to say something more, nothing he says is satisfying.
She points out that he never once asked her anything about herself or actually listened to anything she did say, merely repeating ad nauseum, "It's okay," and is disgusted to learn that he thought they shared good conversation that night. He changes his response from, "It's okay," to "It's fine," and she begins to shake with anger. Basically, he blames anything that she found offensive on the language barrier, and she's finally left just staring at him with a dropped jaw. Seriously, though, this isn't surprising at all given that her main beef with him is that he only cares about himself. Go back to Atlanta, put bad guys behind bars, and thank your lucky stars you got out of this situation when you did, Andi. I'd call him an empty husk with nice abs but he's not empty, he's just filled entirely with thoughts about, well, himself.
By Lauren S | Season 18 | Episode 8.2 | Aired on 02.25.2014
Andi finally changes tack and asks him if he knows any important details about her -- religion, political affiliation, how she wants to raise kids -- and he tells her he doesn't but that if she wanted him to know she should have told him. He's finally starting to crack a little and, annoyed, adds that if she felt like he wasn't paying attention she should have told him that at the time. She probably should have, but one might argue that he would have just jumped in with another story about himself in response. And Andi basically says that, agreeing that maybe she should have said something but by then she realized this relationship was never going to work, so why bother?
When she goes on about what she wants in a partner he interrupts her to ask his religion, clearly trying to catch her off-guard. When she spits, "Catholic," he just stares, dumbfounded that she actually knew the answer. They argue a bit more, both of them totally dissatisfied with the conversation, so he finally just tells her that he appreciates her honesty, gives her a hug and walks her out. JP then interviews that he would have been sad to lose Andi if she had just said goodbye and that was that, but since she started arguing with him he's over it. Welcome to what your life will look like with Juan Pablo, Nikki or Clare! Fight for this prize who is never going to actually want to hear any criticism you might have about him! Once in the van, Andi just blows him off and realizes he'll never understand. She talks enough that she finally does start to cry, but now it's just because she wants to find love with someone… who isn't Juan Pablo.
After a commercial break JP tells us that he's shocked that Andi really left (proving he heard nothing of what she was saying) but that "It's okay!" because you can't force love. Cut to Andi, in the van, commenting that at this moment, JP is probably saying just that. It's brilliant. As she reiterates how she just wanted him to show any emotion at all, we see Chris escort the other two ladies to the rose ceremony. Andi concludes that she hopes he acts better with the two of them because otherwise it's such a wasted opportunity. Not for ABC, Andi, not for ABC.
Chris then tells the two of them that Andi has left, and Clare makes a face like she literally can't understand why someone would make that decision. Chris then calls in JP to tell them what happened, and Nikki for one really wants to know what that was. JP whitewashes the whole thing, just saying that Andi realized she didn't have emotions for him, and then he has the gall to act wounded for a second, which is a second more than he did with Andi herself. He tells the girls to feel free to come to him if they don't understand something about him, and then offers them both the roses.
By Lauren S | Season 18 | Episode 8.2 | Aired on 02.25.2014
Nikki tells us she's happy, but she seems really disconcerted and like she wants to get to the bottom of what happened. That doesn't stop her saying again that she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. Clare, on the other hand, is just stoked that she's one of the two finalists and points out that she and Nikki are two different people and the choice Juan Pablo makes will say a lot about who he is. Honey, he's a jackass, and that is something that will never change, no matter which of you gets saddled with him.
Lauren S is a writer who lives and works in Atlanta and hopes you'll accept her rose. She wants everyone to know: "The views expressed in my recaps and anything else I might write on TWoP are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer."