By Daniel
We're on lovely Vieques Island in Puerto Rico. I've recapped several seasons of this mess by now, and I think I've figured out how the locations get chosen. The Bachelor selects several tourist destinations and sends the local tourism department a letter threatening to come unless a substantial cash payment is made. Whichever location pays the least amount of money, that's where The Bachelor goes! That's the only possible way this makes sense.
We still have eleven women left? Good god. This season will never end! The women are taken by boat to their new home, and the parade of boob jobs runs up the beach to the new house. The groundwork is also laid for more Courtney-Emily bullshit, which I'm sure we're all excited for.
Chris Harrison comes out to do his weekly over-explain-the-rules-that-we-all-know paycheck-justification thing, and then we get to the dates. Nicki gets the one-on-one date, much to Courtney's annoyance, and the date card is read, and it's in Spanish, and it appears that Emily's the only one who can translate, and it says, "Let's find new love in Old San Juan." One of the reasons Courtney's pissed is because now she has to spend time with Emily. "You better check yourself, bitch," Courtney tells us, still displaying about as much energy as a drugged tortoise.
Nicki is weirdly excited to spend all day with Ben, which is one of the most depressing things I've ever heard anyone say. She, apparently, would be really bummed to come all the way to "this beautiful Puerto Rico" (she says it almost like she's never heard of Puerto Rico) only to go home after the first night if she doesn't get a rose.
So Ben and Nicki take a helicopter to Old San Juan, which she deems "so rad" and then they get piraquas from a street vendor and then it suddenly starts raining hard, and the two of them are valiantly acting like continuing on the date is like fighting through a cancer diagnosis. "This is what happens in travel, something always goes wrong, and you just have to roll with the punches," says Ben. I don't think we're giving them their due as true heroes for our time, guys! The fact that the rain hasn't reduced Nicki to tears and wailing is a major turn-on for Ben.
They buy some new clothes, including one of those "sweet Colombian hats" for Ben, and then they're walking by an old wall and Nicki is drawing a torturous analogy about how the wall has stood the "test of time" and how she wants her marriage to be like that, and then these two numbskulls see a wedding taking place and discuss the amazing theory that being engaged is different from being married. Nicki was married once, and Ben has opened up her eyes to the fact that it's possible to marry someone you don't hate, or something. As for Ben? "I want to walk away with a woman at the end of this," Ben tells us. He actually speaks those words. He actually thought that was a good thing to say on camera.
By Daniel
There's a commercial looking for "great guys" to date The Bachelorette (why start now?) who is Emily Maynard, which is a thing that apparently people know now.
Anyway, it's dinner time on the date, and Ben wants to get Nicki to open up, which seems to mean asking Nicki if watching the wedding was difficult for her, and she talks some more about how she wants her "second chance at a fairytale" and now he is asking if she and her ex-husband went through couples therapy (which they did) and she talks about losing trust.
Then if this conversation is too scintillating for you to handle, we go back to the house, where Elyse is angry over not getting a one-on-one date and whining about other people getting more group dates and how she "deserves" this and that, and I really hope she goes home today, considering that we're down to eleven women and she's one who I still can't remember her name until they put it on screen for me.
The group date card arrives. "Diamonds are a girl's best friend," is what it says, and the only one whose name is not read -- Elyse -- is the one who gets the other one-on-one date. And now Blakely is the one who's pissed, because she was hoping Ben would get to see her fun side. (Spoiler alert: her fun side is the front!)
Back on the date, Ben tells Nicki that she "totally opened up" today and so he "rewards" her with a rose and then they start making out, as you do. It's that extra-passionate kissing you do where you can't even be bothered to put down the wine glass, Nicki.
So the group date reference to "diamonds" is about baseball instead of jewelry, and the women have to pretend that they're just as happy about playing baseball in Roberto Clemente Stadium. They do, however, look like they're having some fun hitting and tossing the ball around. Then Harrison comes out to explain that there's a beach party tonight with Ben, but the women are going to be split into teams, and only the winning team gets the "privilege" of going to the beach party, while the losers have to go home.
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By Daniel
However! There are nine women, so one woman will have to play for both teams, ensuring that she'll win either way. This has the whiff of "oh shit, we didn't realize there were an odd number of women, how do we fix this" to me, but at any rate, Ben chooses Lindzi to play both sides.
OK, now this is my idea of a fun time. Cute women (and also Courtney) in baseball shirts and eye-black? Very sexy. Ben explains that this game will be two innings, with MVP Lindzi playing for both teams, while he's the "designated pitcher" which is not actually a baseball term.
The red team lights Flajgniiskdf up for five runs in the top of the first, and in the bottom Ben flubs a throw to first base, allowing three runs for blue. Blakely on Blue shows some defensive prowess in the top of the second. "Who knew that strippers could play baseball?" Courtney tells us, because she is an awful person who hates anyone who displays an ability to do something other than just stand in front of a camera.
Second inning ends with the game tied 6-all, necessitating extra innings. Eventually, Jennifer strikes out to end the game, Red winning 10-9. The Blue team shuffles off into the dugout, where she helpfully tells her teammates that she busted her ass out there because she thought they wanted to win as badly as she did. Her mood is not improved by the fact that a helicopter lands in the damn parking lot to take the winners off to the beach party. Blue team cries, while Courtney busts out the classic "There's no crying in baseball" line, because that is probably something she heard someone say right now.
We're spending more time on Blakely than we have in weeks, and she's upset because she still hasn't had a one-on-one date. While the winning team enjoys drinks on the beach, the losers actually sit silently crying on the bus on the way home. It's one of those things that make we wonder if the contestants on this show have ever actually had anything bad happen to them, that this makes them cry, you know? They get back to the house and explain to Nicki and Elyse what happened, sounding like they're talking about genocide and not, you know, the loss of a chance to be one of five women competing for time with a shaved caveman to talk about things like "putting yourself out there."
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By Daniel
We hear Courtney's mean thoughts on all the rest of the women as Ben takes some alone time with them. The worst she says about her buddy Casey S. is that she doesn't see much of a connection there. She does see Kacie B. as a bit of a threat, which is justified when Ben gives Kacie the rose for the date.
"I don't need roses. I need more time," says Courtney. Yeah, uh, you do need roses, though. Anyway, Courtney takes Ben away, pissing off the just-rosed Kacie. You see, Courtney feels like Kacie isn't very worldly -- not like Courtney -- and that Ben needs a woman, not a girl. I'm not sure what that means when you place it to the fact that Courtney can't seem to speak without saying "like" every third word, but it's her theory, not mine. Courtney squeezes herself up against Ben and starts fake-casually saying how much she'd love to go skinny dipping. Not much of a surprise, given that this show has been showing clips of it from the very first week. Ben's not game, right now, but at least Courtney is falling out of her dress enough to require some side-boob pixellation.
The day, Elyse asks the other women for advice on the one-on-one date. Because they're not competitors, but friends, right? The date card officially arrives. "Elyse, let's find love somewhere private..." reads Courtney. "I am so excited right now," Elyse tells everyone. She tells us that she misses being in love, because she loved being in love. And she's crying telling us about the possibility of going home, and then she tells us that she gave up her job to be here. I am never less sympathetic to any contestant than when I find that out, let me tell you.
Anyway, in a bit of a welcome change from Helicopterfest 2012, this date is on a yacht, and Ben actually says something about how his date with Ashley was "monumental" and that's when his feelings changed, and he thinks "being on the water can do that." Really? The only journey Ben should be on is one to a wizard in the hopes of getting a brain. Anyway, these two numbskulls might just be perfect for each other. We learn that not only did Elyse give up her job, but she has her master's (in something. Personal training?). Oh, and she skipped her best friend's wedding to be here. All I know that is that a friend who skipped my wedding to be on The Bachelorette would have to start appending "former" to the "best friend." And now they jump off a boat, which is supposed to be funny or endearing or something but only winds up making wish I were watching Jaws 2012.
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By Daniel
Uh-oh! We're at dinner now, and Elyse says she's "sick of being single," and Ben, understandably, seems to hear that as she wants to be with someone, not necessarily him specifically, so she has to then say, essentially, "When I said I was sick of being single, I didn't mean I was sick of being single." After some awkwardness, Ben pulls out the rose and launches into a long-winded speech about how he was hoping for something more from her, and his relationships with the other women are so far beyond what he thinks they could get to, and he goes on for what feels like hours like JUST SHOOT HER ALREADY IT WOULD BE MORE HUMANE. So she's not getting a rose, and he walks her down the beach because maybe he's going to drown her? She tearfully asks what she did wrong, and he just babbles the same things he said at dinner. He sees her off into a little tugboat or something, and she cries and says she feels like he didn't give her a chance, and she tried to open up as much as she could, and given that this is more Elyse than we've seen this entire season, I don't imagine we're going to miss her.
And Ben has to stand on the beach (barefoot!) while this annoying ballad about "this year's love had better last" plays for two hours or so.
Back at the house, the women are discussing how maybe Elyse won't come home from the date, and someone else says that regardless of whether she does, there will be another eliminated later like WE ALL KNOW HOW IT WORKS and then everyone is all "shut UP!" when the grunt arrives to take Elyse's bags. Courtney is at least honest when she says she's pleasantly surprised. "Another one bites the dust," she says. Still having a hard time believing that some of the women never seem to grasp that for them to stay, others have to leave.
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By Daniel
Anyway, Courtney tells us that she plans to make good on her skinny-dipping promise, and so she hangs out outside Ben's door when he arrives. "I don't know if he's ever skinny-dipped with a model before," she says. I tell ya, no one's as impressed with the fact that Courtney is a model than Courtney herself. "I hope I'm a vision for him after a hard day," she says, adding that she wants to be a sight for sore eyes, and after having had to look at Elyse all day long, he must have pretty sore eyes.
So they sit on the couch and chat, with Courtney all "Hey, no biggie, but since we're in Puerto Rico, let's go skinny dipping" again. This time he agrees, so they head down to the beach, and the way people pretend the cameras aren't there has never seemed so weird as this scene, where they strip down and head into the surf, naked as the day they came into this world. Courtney tells us she's worried the other women will hate her if they find out, but then again, that's not why she's there. I find it hilarious that Courtney wants us to think she gives a shit about whether the other women hate her or not.
Cocktail party time! While Courtney is gloating about how confident she feels, Ben is feeling at least a little guilty about Courtney rubbing her shiny body all over is while there are several other women there that he needs to explore relationships with.
Ben chats with Jennifer about -- well, I'm not sure, but he says "so rad" a couple of times so we're moving on. Blakely, still feeling unsure, gets a little emotional talking about how she's happy for being on this journey, whatever happens, or something. Ben, based on her nonsensical ramblings, is pleased that she's opened up like this, and starts kissing her. But at least he correctly says he's "done a 180" instead of "done a 360."
More alone time! Rachel! Lindzi! I think Courtney is in a castle tower somewhere, looking down at everyone's interactions.
Then in a group, Courtney brings up skinny-dipping, so everyone can talk about how freeing it is, and Jennifer asks where everyone's ideal place to go skinny-dipping is, and Courtney says, "In Puerto Rico, in the full moonlight!" and you know she's crushed that no one is figuring it out yet.
And now Emily is telling Ben how much she didn't think about Courtney this week, which is a bad sign right there. And then she says she stands by what she said, that Courtney is a weirdo, and shows Ben a different side than the rest of them see. Oh, this is painful. Is Emily working on her PhD in obliviousness? Ben firmly tells her to "tread lightly," and here comes Niagara Falls with Emily in an interview. I feel her pain, though, in the sense that all the awful things she's saying about Courtney here, as far as what we've seen on the show, are true.
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By Daniel
And then there's Courtney sitting with her BFF Casey and making a wish by blowing out a candle, which is totally something a worldly woman and not a 12-year-old girl does, and she wishes for Emily to be gone.
Rose ceremony. Harrison tells the women that Ben says this is the most "pivotal" week he's had as the Bachelor, whatever that's supposed to mean. Then Ben comes out and keeps calling them "girls," like Blakely isn't 34 damn years old.
Anyway, the roses! Who gets 'em? Lindzi. Jamie. Rachel. Courtney. Casey S. Blakely (ending what seems to be a panic attack on Blakely's part). So there's just Emily and Jennifer left, and the rose goes to ... Emily. By keeping her hanging on, she's been appropriately punished for speaking out, but there's no way this show is letting go of the Emily-Courtney conflict just yet.
So Jennifer, who is much too good for this show, walks out with Ben. She fights off the tears as she tells him she understands, that he needs to find his own happiness. When she's alone, however, she starts blubbering, and wondering what she did wrong. She cries so hard she gets the hiccups. So, you know: funny and sad at the same time.
Ben tells the rest of the women that they're going to "the most glamorous city in Central America." Uh, you're going to have to give a little more information. It's Panama City! I like that Ben clarifies that he's talking about the Panama City in Panama, and not Panama City, Honduras.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He assumes that the countries visited by The Bachelor don't have extradition treaties with the U.S. for cultural crimes against humanity. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
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