By Daniel
Sean stands on the prow of a boat making its way through the aquamarine beauty of the waters in south Thailand, using all the brain power of a ship's figurehead as he lies his way through an introduction that's all about how "freakin' crazy" he is about all three women, a sentiment that's usually expressed by people being booed by the audience at daytime talk shows.
We ramble through his relationship with Catherine, who's "nerdy and goofy," according to Sean, and he refers to their "morals and values" being in sync, which I tend to think is code for "she knows her place."
Then there's AshLee, with whom he has "probably the strongest relationship," he tells us. She's got one of the biggest hearts he's ever come across, and she's open and honest and communicates, by which he means she spends all her time telling him how awesome he is. They want the same type of thing: same type of family, same type of marriage, same type of future (the listed order is his). She's also inspirational or whatever, and you really get the sense that Sean views women's histories as existing solely to be mined for his own life lessons and contemplation.
And now there's Lindsay. Did he just say she doesn't have the "depth and maturity" that he's looking for? I guess we're supposed to accept that because he condescendingly explains that she's more than just the crazy broad in a wedding dress. And then Exhibit A is Lindsay weirdly talking about when she was an "adolescent" and her father being away for the war. In contrast to the inspirational stories of the other two, Sean seems to value Lindsay for not having any of the baggage that makes her sad sometimes and therefore not fun to be around.
Sean says he's just praying that he finds his wife here and that the time he says "I love you" is forever. Start holding your breath now! Seriously, Sean. Start holding it. We'll wait.
First up for the overnight audition, at something called the "Anantara Si Kao Resort," which I of course heard as "sea cow resort," and Sean is talking about how open he is to trying new things. On this episode, I generally assume he's referring to a new sexual position. Lindsay tells us that last date she told she Sean she's "falling in love" with him, and if this date goes well she hopes to tell him she's actually "in love" with him, and maybe the nuances are apparent to these birdbrains, but I confess to being baffled.
Then they go to a "Thai market" which I believe is also known as a "market" and Lindsay marvels at how different it is from Missouri. Sean wants to test Lindsay. She apparently told him on the way to the market that she'd try eating anything but bugs, so he's decided to completely ignore her wishes and put her on the spot at one stall offering the delicacies on a skewer. Lindsay tells us she considered not eating it, but then realized that it wasn't up to her, because Sean wanted her to. I mean, she realized that Sean was so "brave" in trying a food that's slightly different from what he's normally used to. Sean is pleased by her acquiescence.
By Daniel
Then they walk on a beach and make out and feed monkeys stand in the surf and make out some more during the sunset, and it's like twenty minutes of the most banal ruminations on love and marriage. I mean, even for this show. Lindsay decides she'd better tell Sean how she feels -- you know, removing the "falling" from "falling in love" -- because if she doesn't, one of his other girlfriends might get to have sex with him for a couple of months for the tabloids' benefit.
It's dinner time, which is happening in front of traditional Thai floats that suddenly light up, and apparently things went well enough that Lindsay is now saying she loves him. She's removing both the "falling" and the "in"! They reminisce about their date, and then it's time to talk about the future: Sean wants to know if, should they get engaged, she's open to moving to Dallas. It's funny the way he asks if she's "open" to it, as if he would ever considering moving to where the love of his life lives.
Lindsay assures Sean that she takes everything "very serious" [sic] and babbles on about how she's not going to take anything for granted, even how she's feeling, like WHAT THE SHIT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, LINDSAY, and thank god that this death conversation is interrupted by traditional Thai dancers, and Lindsay is fretting again how if she doesn't tell Sean she loves him, she might never get another chance. Which is only true, of course, if he doesn't love her.
And then the Chris Harrison Pimp Card is brought out, with Sean and Lindsay both seeming to take extra care to explain that staying in the fantasy suite together is not about rumpy-bumpy but spending more time with each other.
So off they go to lounge on the bed and drink champagne and talk about how they want to marry their best friends. And Jesus, if you guys are best friends and aren't going to have sex, maybe flip on the Mario Kart or something and enjoy yourself. And then Lindsay tells Sean "I love you" and his response is to kiss her and say "I love hearing you say that" while the romantic music crescendos, and really the music should be something out of a Hitchcock film.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
By Daniel
Then we're over at Pakmeng Pier, where Sean is waiting for AshLee. He's absolutely giddy about how many times AshLee has told him she loves him, which is exciting for him because he's falling in love with her. "Words cannot express the overwhelming joy that I have when I'm with him," AshLee tells us. They greet each other with a hug and a kiss and set off in a boat to tour around some islands. AshLee makes me so sad when she talks about how Sean -- who just spent the night with another woman, and will likely do the same with a different one after her -- is clearly her true love.
And here we go again, with Sean explaining that he's got an activity planned to take AshLee out of her comfort zone, so she can latch on to him and trust him, and it involves swimming through a cave so they can enjoy their own private beach. And can I just ask how many fucking times does Sean have to make AshLee prove she trusts him? "I think it's important that AshLee is able to let go of control. I want my wife to be able to trust me in certain situations, and today I need to figure out whether or not she's capable of that," Sean tells us, while all of us in long-term stable, loving relationships try to imagine a single time where we've done something solely to SCARE OUR PARTNER, MAKE HIM OR HER GIVE UP CONTROL, AND DEPEND ON US?
"I love feeling like I'm AshLee's protector," Sean tells us. This whole thing makes me sick. They swim through the cave, and we can only hope that AshLee is broken down enough so she can be suitably dependent to qualify to marry Sean. Then they make out in a lagoon, and AshLee's pleased with herself for how much she's able to let herself go at Sean's behest, or something.
At least during dinner, AshLee tells us that it doesn't sit well with her, when it comes to spending the night together, that there are two other women with whom Sean is doing the same thing. Their conversation isn't any better than it was with Sean and Lindsay, though. Sean wants to know if people are always asking her why she's not married already, apparently forgetting that, you know, she got married LONG before now. He doesn't want an answer; he just wants to give one, and explain that in his mid-20s, he "was chasing other things, like my career and so forth," and it sounded like he was going to say something like "tail" but realized at the last minute that that would be terrible and then said "my career and so forth," which I think is the FIRST time this season Sean has even alluded to HAVING a job, so nice try, Sean. Oh, and he apparently hasn't met any worth marrying before. AshLee praises his wisdom in not settling, saying there's no reason to make a poor decision just because you want to get married. "I'm glad I waited," says AshLee, WHO WAS MARRIED AT 17. Are contestants just making up phoney backstories and forgetting them when it's time to improvise this bullshit while the cameras are rolling?
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
By Daniel
They kiss for a while, and then Sean brings out the Pimp Card. AshLee reads it, and then they look at each other for a while, and Sean carefully explains to us (and her) that his intentions are just to stay up all night talking, with no distractions. "I think it'll be a good time for us," he says. She agrees it's important to have that time, but she doesn't want to appear to have crossed any boundary. And then she accepts his invitation, and they go back to the fantasy suite and talk about how far they've come, and AshLee tells him what her ring size is, and credits him for fixing her broken spirit. And not just her spirit! "This man has literally healed my broken heart," she says, promising to devote her entire life to making him happy. Well, he's gotta like that!
Ao Nang Beach now, where Sean does this weird thing where Sean pretends not to know that Catherine is running up behind him to tackle him. They're going to take a nearby junk to see everything the region has to offer, which apparently means a gorgeous backdrop in which they can talk about being vulnerable and weird and goofy. Sean asks her if she can move to Dallas. "I'm pretty expired in terms of Seattle," says Catherine, whatever that's supposed to mean. Sean reminds her that she has, you know, family in Seattle, and Catherine is basically, "My sisters were total bitches to me last time we talked anyway, so whatever." No, really: She's mad that her sisters were concerned that she wasn't rushing into marriage, and she talks to her friends more about relationships anyway, so she's prepared to stick it to her family by moving to Dallas to marry this dick. And it makes me sad that Catherine -- not exactly a slouch in the looks department -- seems boggled that Sean is even attracted to her.
Then they go swimming and make out, and Catherine talks about how today has been a "blessing," and Lindsay had also talked about being "blessed," and I think the women are picking up on Sean's constant references to "praying" and responding accordingly.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
By Daniel
Dinner time! Sean asks Catherine where she sees them in five years: Catherine: Married, there are kids involved, happy. Sean says he can see himself married to her. Come on, you'll be lucky to be Facebook friends in five years' time.
Catherine tells us she's been thinking a lot about the fantasy suite, and how she's more traditional (than Sean, who's been holier-than-y'all this whole time?), and then she haltingly tells him (before he even brings out the Pimp Card) she originally felt that there's no way she would do that, but now she realizes that for him it's just about time together (sounds like she's been coached, because he hasn't told her that, has he?).
So they go back to the fantasy suite, where Catherine keeps up with the "I can't believe a hunk like him is attracted to me" theme, and then we learn that she got made fun of a lot. Nothing mean, or anything, just the good-natured stuff about how she was fat and ate too much. That kind of thing. So she's never spent as much time in a bathing suit as she has with Sean. "You are smokin' hot," he tells her, and then stares creepily at her for a few moments, and then they start kissing, and we are reminded again that there will be no sexytimes in the fantasy suite this season. Look, we watch this show to see things get skanked up! Why even have this show then?
Back in Los Angeles, Chris Harrison threatens us with the reunion show week, and then awkwardly tries to make the plot of Oz the Great and Powerful sound like The Bachelor because hooray for cross-marketing!
Back at the resort, Sean having allegedly avoided the sins of the flesh, is getting dressed, by which I mean adjusting his hair strand by strand. He says he knows who he's sending home. He's got strong feelings for her and everything, but the relationship with the other women are stronger. "I never pictured myself saying goodbye to this person, so today is going to be tough," says Sean. Yep! Here we go again with "dumping a chick is tough on my" routine.
And then it's filler time, with Sean sitting down with Chris Harrison to talk about how he's reminded that it's this week when he got his heart broken by Emily. He tells Harrison this is going to be worse even that when he sent Desiree home. She's one of the sweetest women he's ever met in his whole life, he says. "It almost breaks my heart, because I hate being the person who either breaks hearts or hurt feelings, and it's just something you have to go through to reach your final goal here," he says. If I were Sean, I wouldn't tell her that she's just "something" he had to "go through."
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
By Daniel
Harrison asks if his wife is here, and Sean hems and haws but says yes, he sees himself going down on one knee. Harrison asks if he's in love, and Sean says he is. If he is, then, it really shouldn't be so allegedly tough on him to break up with the ones HE'S NOT IN LOVE WITH, I mean, good god.
Oh, god, it's "private" video message time. Sean is worried about making a mistake and sending the wrong woman away, so he hopes the videos won't confuse him further. "I'm so in love with one remaining woman that a video from one of the others might make me confused!" is what he's saying.
Lindsay's up first, reflecting on what a long, strange trip it's been. Remember all those long weeks ago when they met? She wants nothing more than to make him happy. She met him in a wedding dress, and maybe she'll see him in one again!
Catherine opens by calling him a "family man" and a "mega-hunk," so I guess these were all essentially first takes, right? This is the part of the season where my ears clog themselves up with wax, but I can still make out Catherine saying she can see him as her husband, and she's falling in love. You know, all the same things that every woman has been saying for weeks.
AshLee tells Sean this is the happiest she's ever been in her whole life. Not for the first time, I feel really sorry for AshLee. Sean looks slightly uncomfortable while AshLee tears up on camera, while she talks about how she's "no longer broken, and for that I will always love you," so I think we know where this is going.
All this time, we've been watching Harrison greet the remaining hostages, and now Sean is moping around at how tough this is going to be on him, because of how much it's going to hurt the poor woman who will be under the misapprehension that the greatest tragedy a person can suffer is not dating Sean Lowe. Maybe he can explain he has gone from telling all of them and us that he can see a future with all of them to "I know I'm not supposed to be with this one" as he is here?
I really wish that for once, Harrison would just walk in, point at the roses, point at the women, and then draw a finger across his throat.
Sean comes and starts talking about how much it sucked when Emily dumped him. "My worst fear is that the same is going to happen today, and it kills me inside to know that I might break your heart, and I also hope that you realize how much you mean to me, and how hard and incredibly difficult it was for me to make this decision," he says. Lindsay seems to be all, "Oh, fuck!" as he picks up a rose, but she gets it, so she's immediately all sunshine and smiles again.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
By Daniel
Second rose. Sean picks it up, stares at the ceiling, stands there for awhile, bows his head and then finally says, "Catherine," which I think we all knew was coming based on his reaction to AshLee's video. She looks pissed, and not for nothing, looks absolutely amazing. After an uncomfortable few moments of a fixed glare, she strides past him, forcing him to chase after her and begging to explain himself. She eventually stops, but by "explain himself" he really means "let me tell you how hard this is on me," and she haughtily stares at him the whole time, completely flustering him. Well, I guess it's not like he would actually say, "I actually do consider you damaged goods for having been married already, plus my main concern is getting my wife to pump out a dozen kids, and you're much farther down the track than the other two."
And after a few moments of Sean hanging himself with his own rope (not literally, don't get excited), she gets in the minivan.
"This wasn't a silly game to me. This wasn't about a joyride and laughing and joking and having fun" says AshLee, who keeps herself mostly together, and in the moments when she does start to cry, keeps her composure long enough to turn away from the camera. "It's the ultimate reject," she says. It's OK. The sympathy I now feel for her is a different kind, the good kind.
Meanwhile, Sean is sitting by a fountain, hands clasped, head bowed, doing his best to look shattered, in full view of Catherine and Lindsay, one of whom he'll want us to believe he loves and plans to marry, in just a couple of days.
Get the scoop on the very tense Women Tell All special from our friends at Wetpaint.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. No, seriously, what does Sean do? I've heard "fit model" and "insurance agent." Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7