By Daniel
Welcome to Panama City (which is Panama, which makes sense). We get the cheesy airplane-flies-over-map graphic again, and then the women arrive at their new hotel and fling themselves on the beds and couches like they're claiming beds at summer camp. Courtney is already talking about skinny-dipping again, just in case you weren't aware of how much she likes to get naked on television. We hear "Panama City, Panama" about fifteen times inside of three minutes.
Ben himself shows up at the hotel to deliver the date card and talk about love being in the air, when I think it's more important to let the women know where they can get their antibiotics. Anyway, the date card is for Kacie B. (telling her to pack three things), much to Blakeley's chagrin. Courtney, of course, spins it to mean that he's trying to weed out the people he's unsure about. She also explains that the date can go one of two ways. Yep. That is how it works, Courtney. Kacie B. gets a little gobsmacked about how she could be engaged to Ben in a few weeks, which displays a surprising unfamiliarity with this show's actual success rate.
So they take a helicopter ride over the canal and out to a deserted island, while Ben broods about his fear that they've run out of things to talk about. Maybe you should talk about "putting yourself out there"! That's always interesting! So Kacie hauls out the three things she's brought. A stuffed monkey, a corkscrew, and a bag of candy. Ben has brought a machete, a fishing net, and matches. I guess we'll find out which is more useful on an island, matches and a machete or a STUFFED MONKEY.
Anyway, they go chopping coconuts, but no coconuts fall on their dingbat heads, and neither of them fall out of a tree, and no one loses a finger due to poor machete skills. Kacie B. seems to be taking this deserted island thing seriously like their LIVES are actually at stake. Ben babbles about marriage being all about "overcoming obstacles" and I have to agree that terminal stupidity is a major obstacle, and then they catch fish and drink wine -- must have caught the wine in the fishing net. Ben thinks he and Kacie are a "good little team." Then they get back in the helicopter and leave, while I still hold out hope for some kind of Black Hawk Down scenario.
Then they go for dinner and make awkward small talk while Kacie laments that she needs a little bit more than small talk, and at this point I'd give anything to hear people on this show talking about cracking a fucking book once in a while.
By Daniel
Back at the hotel, the women are lounging around drinking in sweatpants and awaiting further instructions. A date card comes: "Let's get lost." It's for Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey S., Courtney and Jamie. The women, because they're apparently rocket scientists, quickly determine that the two remaining bachelorettes, Blakeley and Rachel, will be going on the dreaded two-on-one date. Blakely is MUCH more excited about the two-on-one date than Rachel is, since she gets more time with Ben. Rachel worries that it's going to be awkward. "How can it be awkward? It's with BEN," says Blakely, who figures that the more of a Debbie Downer Rachel is, the better it will be for her.
The crickets are still chirping at dinner with Kacie and Ben. She talks about not feeling as young as she actually is, or something, and now she is talking about having an eating disorder in high school, because a lot of things were beyond her control, so she controlled her weight, and apparently her parents caught her purging at a Super Bowl party, and I'm not going to make fun of this because a) it's serious and b) thank GOD they're talking about something other than the stupid non-conversations people have on this show and c) there's no way Ben's not rewarding her with a rose for divulging this thing that's tough to share. "On a scale of one to wonderful, today was fantastic," says Kacie B., whatever the hell THAT'S supposed to mean. But she's falling more in love with Ben. I really wish just one time a contestant said, "You know, the more time I spend with the guy, the more of an asshole he seems."
Over to the Chagres River with the six women on the prisoner outing, I mean, "group date." Courtney tells us she's over the group date. "I feel like Ben and I got really close last week. I just want to spend more time with him alone," she says. Jamie calls Ben "a real man's man," which is utterly confusing. Anyway, he shows up in beat up old boat and they ride down the river and someone calls it "surreal" because these idiots can't conceive of anything that exists outside a mall. And now there are Panamanian kids in loincloths playing soccer.
So, not missing a chance to be obnoxious and condescending, the women invade this village and are greeted with beads and villagers dragging them off into huts where they're given traditional clothing, and Courtney calls the other women "prudes" and takes her bikini off underneath, and the women don't seem to be able to stop staring at her chest under the beads. "I don't do anything half-assed," she says.
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By Daniel
Then Ben comes out wearing a loincloth, and he complains to us that everyone other than Courtney still has their bathing suits on under their traditional clothes. But he's grateful for Courtney. "I appreciated that in more than one way," he says. Too bad for the other women that they're not willing to bare their breasts on national television so he can pop a tiny boner over six half-naked women instead of just one. Then there is some body painting going on, with Courtney wondering why none of the other woman are making any kind of moves, while the other women continue to be shocked at Courtney's behavior. "I've got moves they've never seen," Courtney tells us, then completely disproves that by merely shaking her breasts for the umpteenth time.
Time for dinner now, at a restaurant (thank god they've left those villagers alone) and Ben must be disappointed that the women have even more clothes on now. He has a boring conversation with Lindzi about how hard it is to open up, and then they wind up making out. Meanwhile, the other women are starting to realize that Ben can talk all he wants about connections and opening up, when all he really wants is for women to go topless.
Back at the hotel, the two-on-one date card arrives. "Save the last dance for me," it says. Judging from Rachel's reaction, she seems to think that the winner gets a rose, while the loser is executed.
Back at dinner, Courtney talking to Ben and making a proposal for some alone time that "doesn't have to be skinny dipping" even! They kiss as well. Then there's Jamie, who hasn't kissed Ben yet. Is that even possible by this point in the season? I guess. She says she's just going to go for it. I always enjoy it when the women seem to think that kissing the Bachelor is some sort of Rose Ceremony inoculation.
So she decides she's going to go for it, and then she sits down and babbles a lot in his general direction, but in the background, Courtney very deliberately strips down to her bikini and splashes around in the pool. She explains to us that a lot of the women are "immature" and "not very sexual" which makes it easier for her. Ben can barely keep himself from jacking it over Courtney right there. Poor Jamie makes excuses for him, pointing out that if Brad Pitt were standing behind Ben, she probably wouldn't be able to concentrate either. Yeah, if there was a steak behind a plate of dog food, I'd probably be more interested in the steak too. In the end, Jamie's too self-conscious to jam her tongue down Ben's throat, but he's too dumb to notice.
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By Daniel
And now Emily is sitting down with Ben, and she starts saying that there's something that's hard for her to say, and just when you think she's going to badmouth Courtney again, she awkwardly says there's another man in her life, and she strings him along a little bit before pretending it's the chief of the village, and she sells it pretty well, and he cracks up. They wind up kissing too, and Emily tells us that she regrets talking shit about Courtney.
So she apologizes to Courtney in front of the other women, saying she misjudged her. Courtney shows off what a mature, sophisticated woman she is by telling her to stuff it. "I don't forgive and forget, and I don't respect the fact that you talked bad about me," she said. Jamie, foolishly deciding to be a mediator, points out that Emily is admitting she's wrong, but Courtney doesn't care. "So just bend over and take it up the tailpipe?" Slow down, Courtney! You're not on the overnight date just yet!
Then Ben shows up amid the awkwardness. "Did I miss something?" he says? "Just girl talk," says Courtney. Ben takes Lindzi away. "Thanks for stealing me," she whispers. Courtney looks pissed off that her little display isn't getting her the date rose. She says she didn't see anyone else giving him the attention she was. She feels she deserves some sort of reward. Then we see her putting on makeup in her room, hoping Ben takes her up on her request for alone time. She sits, and waits, and drinks. And we hear what sounds like an emotional interview with a vulnerable-sounding Courtney talks about how she's been consistently disappointed by men. And now she's being disappointed by Ben, who never shows up.
Two-on-one date! Blakely is getting exhausting with her forced over-enthusiasm, while Rachel looks like she's on her way to a root canal. Anyway, the date is salsa lessons (the dance, not the condiment). Rachel finally perks up a bit, despite being nervous about making sure she's not the "third wheel" and letting Blakely take over the dance. She does seem to enjoy herself when she's dancing with Ben. Blakely tells us she's a better dancer than Rachel, because salsa dancing is very sexual and sensual, and that's "totally" who she is and who Rachel isn't. That does seem to be Rachel's assessment as well, and she's rebuffed in her attempts to cut in. She calls Blakely tacky for wrapping her leg around Ben. "I think she really uses her sexuality with Ben a lot, and I don't understand why," she says. You don't? You really don't? She says she'd be crushed not to get a rose tonight, especially against Blakely.
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By Daniel
Dinner time! Ben asks how they're feeling, and Rachel stammers nervously and says "third wheel" again so Blakely goes for the "Well, I just really had a good time," attitude again, in a last attempt to make Rachel look bad. Ben pulls Rachel aside, and she tells us that she's going to do her best to convince him that the two of them belong together, at least more than he and Blakely belong together.
So she tells Ben that while she feels Blakely is a lot more fast-moving than she is, there are things that come with time, and she really wants to be here with him. They do a little smooching. Ben sounds like he hasn't made up his mind yet.
So then Ben's talking to Blakely one-on-one, and she finally lets her guard down and admits to being nervous, and then she gets teary-eyed about how she felt like a one-on-one date would have given her a chance to strut her stuff or whatever. "I don't want to lose you before you even get to know me," she says, adding she wants to share something very personal with him. And she's got a scrapbook.
A scrapbook.
You know, the kind of scrapbook where you cut pictures and words out of magazines. Like you did when you were in junior high, and not a woman in your thirties. Works enough on Ben that they start kissing, but I think if you're in a room with Ben for anything longer than thirty minutes, you're probably going to wind up fending him off.
So back to dinner with all three of them, Ben whining about being physically and emotionally torn. He tells the women that he has to base his decision on whether he can see things moving forward. "So, Rachel, will you accept this rose?" Both women seem surprised. Blakely gets up and walks away, amusingly not wanting to have anything to do with Ben, who's chasing after her and asking her to slow down. Rachel can't help herself but to try to take in the fun through a window. Outside, Ben and Blakely sit on a bench, where Blakely goes from stone-faced to sobbing.
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By Daniel
Back at the house, the women screech and clutch each other when Blakely's purple bag is removed from the premises.
Ben sees Blakely off into the car -- a stray cat yowls nearby -- after a long, tearful hug. "I still care about you, though. Very much," she says. Might as well get rid of all your dignity, Blakely! "I know," says Ben, which is even worse. In the restaurant, Rachel seems to realize the cameras are on her while she's watching through the window and casually strolls away. "Let's sum it up: I have the rose, while Blakely doesn't," she gloats.
Now for the scene that they've been teasing all night! Chris Harrison shows up, asking them how Panama is and if they're ready for the rose ceremony. He says he stopped by for "one serious reason" and asks Casey S. to talk privately. "Chris Harrison only shows up when something strange is going on," Emily tells us. You know he's THE HOST OF THE SHOW, right? While the women in the hotel wonder what the hell is going on, Harrison takes Casey outside and says, "It was brought to my attention by three different people, back in the United States, that you're in love with somebody else, and not in love with Ben." Stone her!
He brings up her boyfriend Michael, and she corrects him to "ex-boyfriend," and Chris says they talked to Michael. "He gave us his version of y'all's relationship." He just said, "Y'all's relationship," I swear to god. Michael said they're still in a relationship and spend every day and night together. Casey looks stunned and denies it. She says their relationship was that she was in love with Michael but he didn't want to get married, so they broke up, and then got back together. "I don't know, maybe I should be in therapy or something. Maybe I need to get over that more," she says. Oh, dear. The other women are watching, at least until they realize they should be a little more discreet about it.
Harrison interrupts Casey's prattling and asks her flat-out if she's still in love with Michael. "I don't want to be. What I want is to give up hope that he'll change, because I think that's the start to moving on," she says, adding that it's "really come to [her] attention" in the last couple of days that she still is. But she doesn't want to be, if that helps!
So they decide to go have a talk with Ben. The camera crews are already there. Ben says he "wasn't expecting the both of ya." So Casey sits down with Ben and stammers that she came into this wanting to get over a guy who never wanted to marry her. Ben asks if she's still dating him, and she says she isn't, but she's not sure she's completely over him. Ben's utterly confused that his manliness hasn't gotten her over Michael. He says he wishes she'd been honest with him earlier, because he has sent home women who genuinely wanted to be here.
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By Daniel
Casey starts to cry about how hard it is because she wants to be with someone who wants to get married, like Ben. "I hope you're not mad," she says. "The heart wants what the heart wants," he says, not really understanding that she means she hopes she gets to stay. He says he doesn't sugarcoat things, and then he doesn't: "I think you should go home," he says. Harrison walks her out, and she cries in the hallway, hugging Harrison, while Ben goes and hits his mark on the balcony that is optimal for looking contemplatively out at the water. Casey is wailing and keening out in the hallway while Ben says a lot of things that aren't, "Jesus, get it together." He bundles her off in a minivan, of all indignities, to start her long trip back to Kansas.
Then Harrison goes back to the hotel room to tell them that Casey has left. "She was in love with another man, coming on this show." The women all look appropriately aggrieved. Then he delivers a warning from Ben: "Be open to finding love. OR ELSE." If anyone here isn't completely open, this is the time to step away, Harrison tells him. Casey is still bawling
"With this heavy news, we do have a cocktail party to get ready for, and a rose ceremony," Harrison hilariously says, adding that this might change their conversations with Ben tonight. "I hope it does," he says, gravely.
Then Casey, still crying, cracks me up: "It wasn't Ben! Now I have to find someone ELSE!" she wails.
And now it's cocktail party time! Ben shows up to tell the women that they can be very honest with him, because at this point he has feelings for all of them, and he's really happy they're all there. Nicki's up first, and she wants to explain that she's always been open and honest with him, which is almost too thrilling to contemplate. While a succession of women have some time lock lips with Ben, Jamie is still too timid to make any kind of move. "I need to show him that I'm sexy, that I'm a woman, that I will be able to please him and make him happy," she says. You also need a time machine to go back to the '50s. Then she keeps using "prude" as an adjective, as in "I'm definitely very prude. I always knew I was a little prude, but damn, I'm really prude."
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By Daniel
She sits down with him and says she tells him all the time how she feels about him, but she doesn't show him, and then she tells him that when she goes to bed she often thinks about him and the things she wants to do with him. THAT gets his attention, and the thing you know she's straddling him and kissing him. But she can't keep giggling, and the music is more wacky than sexy.
So things break down a little bit, and now she is explaining to him how French kissing works. "You're not the first woman I've kissed," he tells her. Not even in the last five minutes, actually. So they give it a go, but he's too freaked out by her instructions to continue, but she hopes at least she showed him she likes him. She's not sure what he's thinking, though. "I feel like now it's over. I think he's done with me, I really do."
Rose ceremony! Harrison brings up Casey again, all "Let that be a lesson to the rest of you!" Three roses for four women. Ben comes out and makes a bunch of words into sentences on the vague theme of trust, and then gets down to business.
Nicki. Then Courtney, no surprise. It's down to Emily and Jamie, and it's not really a big shock that it goes to Emily instead of "too weird, too late" Jamie.
She's now crying for our -- well, "benefit" isn't really the right word. She makes a quick exit, and tells us it's funny that she's so scared of love because it's the one thing she wants. Off into the limo with her, and Jamie seems too nice to make fun of, so let's just leave her there.
Back in the hotel, Ben says he still feels that his wife is in this room. Don't you hope that isn't true? I'm trying to imagine how awesome my wife would feel if she looked back on when we met as a time when I was making out with and cuddling up with a dozen other women. Oh, whatever, it's not like a marriage is going to come out of this show. Oh, and they're off to Belize. Is that one of those countries where visitors are always getting kidnapped? No? Oh.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Run, Belizeans! There's still time! Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
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