By Daniel
So the first few few minutes of The Bachelor tonight were cut off because of a governor's speech, and when we join the women, they've already arrived in Park City, Utah, so I'm going to assume that the first minutes consisted solely of people being ridiculously excited about getting to go to Utah. What's : Des Moines, Iowa! Lovely Newark!
Anyway, all the women get a lecture from Chris Harrison on not being boring people when they have time to talk to Ben, and then he's all, "Later, bitches!" and he drops the microphone and stomps out of the condo or chalet or whatever this place is. Kacie B. is hoping she gets a one-on-one date. Well, presumably they all do, but Kacie B's who we're focused on now. But that's not who the first card is for. "Rachel, let's let nature take its course... Ben." Rachel and her bangs talk about her communication issues sinking a past relationship or relationships or something. And we watch Kacie B. shed actual tears over not getting a one-on-one date. How depressing. Kacie's become the bachelorette I like most and is therefore the one who bums me out the most because she seems too smart to fall for any of the nonsense that this show involves.
Back from commercial, another Kacie interview, more tears because she's not the one going on the date. OK, this is getting pathetic. Oh, it gets worse, because Ben comes in to pick Rachel up, and Kacie says as much as it hurts that he's there to pick someone else up, at least she got to see him for a minute, and I am officially done with Kacie, who has possibly been brainwashed.
So Ben and Rachel are taking a damn helicopter on this date, and the helicopter unfortunately appears to be in perfect working order. So they've flown to a lake for a picnic, and Ben defends The Bachelor's cheap-ass dates this season by talking about how the low-key dates are a good way to get to know someone. They go for a paddle in a canoe and then, in the middle of a lake swarming with flies, start making out.
Back at the house, Kacie is complaining to Monica about how hard it is to be a big whiny crybaby over a shaved caveman dating a bunch of other whiny crybabies. I may be paraphrasing her position. Monica reassures her by saying that she doesn't see much of a connection between Rachel and Ben.
Back at the lake, Ben and Rachel are guzzling wine, and we are getting all the awkward small talk, all the pauses. Rachel complains about sitting in the sun and getting lines on her face, and Ben says "crow's feet" while looking at Rachel's crow's feet. You can't tell me that all conversations Ben has with women doesn't have these moments, so I don't buy that this conversation is "lagging" (Ben's word) than other conversations. But she's getting the "she's on her way out" edit, so they have to show us what a zero she is, right? Ben points out a beaver lodge. There isn't a lot of activity around the lodge, so it doesn't look like Ben's going to see any beavers any time soon.
By Daniel
So the two of them hike through the woods to some sort of lodge for dinner, where Ben has heroically decided to not give up on Rachel, but the awkwardness continues.
Speaking of guzzling wine, all the bachelorettes are getting bombed when another date card arrives. It's for Jamie, Casey S., Blakeley, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, and Kacie B., Courtney. "Let's see if you're a great catch," is what the card says. "My first group date," says Courtney, and in an interview she talks about how some of the other girls "don't get it" because they all want Ben to hate her. There is some talk of Courtney being condescending, but she says she's excited to be on a group date, even though she has all the energy of a tortoise on chloroform.
Ugh, kill me now. Back to dinner with Rachel and Ben, where they're talking about why their other relationships have failed, and opening up to people, and Rachel is admitting to her communications issues, and then she babbles about how she's taking a big chance, and for some reason Ben considers talking about opening up to be the same as ACTUALLY OPENING UP, and now he is picking up the rose which means that he wants to give it to her and we look forward to soul-sucking boredom whenever these two are together, and now they are making s'mores, like could someone involved with this show whip out a credit card and spend some money?
And the day, Ben is riding a horse and telling us about how excited he is for this date with the eight ladies and how they're going to see his "country side," like there couldn't be anything less interesting than city boys pretending to be country?
With the women standing in a field, Ben rides up while the bachelorettes coo over how hot he looks in a saddle. They're all going horseback riding, and Nicki talks about how beautiful the scenery is, and then "doing it" with Ben, but I think she meant horseback riding.
They ride up the river to find hip-waders all laid out, which means all these delicate princesses are going to have to pretend to be excited about catching their own lunch. Courtney looks particularly inept. She admits to us that she's never fished before -- shocking, I know -- but she's not worried about it, because "Catching a fish probably isn't that much harder than catching a man." She says that with a lot of confidence for a woman who had to come on The Bachelor to catch a man. She says it's all about making the move, and she doesn't see many of the other girls making their move.
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By Daniel
I don't know, Kacie B. seems to be working it pretty hard. She tells us -- while we watch him give her a fly-fishing lesson -- that Ben always makes time for her on group dates. Courtney shows how much she doesn't care about Kacie B. by telling us how cute and sweet and annoying Kacie B. is. Wow, even by the low standards this show sets, Courtney is remarkably personality-free. She tells us she's going to turn the group date into a one-on-one date.
Back at the house, the bachelorettes are somewhat excited about Courtney's awfulness shining through on a group date, but Ben, incredibly, seems smitten. "Courtney gets it," he tells us. We watch a conversation in which Ben says "Mustard is my favorite condiment" and then they both say "Dijon" and they're making last night's date with Rachel look like an Algonquin round table of repartee. And then Courtney catches a fish. "I caught the fish!" she sing-songs for us, like maybe she thinks that there's only one fish in any body of water. "In many ways, I feel like I caught him today," she says. Well, it's not as easy as catching gonorrhea, Courtney. Stick around on this show for long enough, and you'll find that out too.
Over to the Waldorf Astoria for dinner. Courtney is telling us about how the group date is not that hard and she's expecting to get a rose. Everyone toasts, and Ben congratulates himself for picking such a great group of women.
Time for the parade of one-on-one time. Ben pulls the super-cute Casey S. aside, where they talk about being in love. Back in the group, Nicki's decided to go steal him away, and she does so to express her gratitude that Ben has taken her on a group date in every setting. To evoke some don't-send-me-home sympathy, she tells him that her boss died just before she came here, which taught her to seize the moment. Ben one-ups her by telling her a good friend of his died TWO DAYS before he came here, so I guess he wins. Then talking about how people close to them have died has apparently made them horny, and they start kissing.
Out comes Samantha, who, like Nicki, has been on three straight group dates. Unlike Nicki, however, Samantha seems to be a little worried about what this means. Ben explains that the group dates are to see how people get along. Jesus, he gets really harsh when he says that he doesn't see enough from her to deserve a one-on-one date, and in fact they may as well end this now. Apparently he doesn't feel she's sufficiently grateful for the group dates, because there are other women who haven't had the group dates she's had.
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By Daniel
Samantha bids tearful goodbyes with the other women (FYI, everyone, especially Blakely, you're not "taken back," you're taken aback). Everyone's upset. Well, except for Courtney, who seems sexually excited by Ben sending women home. She thinks they're on the same page. Now, if you'll excuse her, she needs some alone time.
Once Samantha has been dispatched, Ben goes back to the group and is essentially "LET THAT BE A WARNING TO YOU ALL, LEST YOU DISPLEASE ME."
Another date card, this one for Jennifer: "Let's pick our love song..." is what it says. She says it's "do or die" time. Sadly, it's never actual death.
Now Ben is taking Kacie B. aside, and he takes her down a hallway to a room at the hotel, where they snuggle on a couch. She tells him that she knows he has to spread his time around, but she loves any time she gets. Ben tells her that he wanted to kiss her, but THE OTHER WOMEN HE'S DATING WERE ALL GLARING AT HIM, and again I'm struck by how non-romantic this show is, and how this behavior would earn most people JAIL TIME.
Meanwhile, Courtney -- who said group dates are easy -- is stewing, because Kacie B. thinks she's so cute by hogging Ben all night. Ben comes back with Kacie B., now that they're done making out in the hotel room and in the elevator, and he takes Courtney aside and asks her if she wants to see the upstairs fireplace. Given the pretext that these group dates are supposed to be a way to see how a prospective mate gets along with other women, and Courtney has her mad face on while sitting all by herself while the rest of the women enjoy themselves, the only reason can be that he wants to push her in the fireplace.
So up by the fireplace, Courtney starts whining about how she didn't really have fun on the fishing date, because he was spending time with other women. Just when you think Ben is going to see through her petulance, he winds up APOLOGIZING for how hard it has been for her, while she sits there, all passive-aggressively going, "OK. OK." Ben tells us, "I know she likes me, I know she knows I like her, but I need to keep telling her that. She needs the reassurance." Ben, do you have any idea what a healthy relationship is like?
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By Daniel
Oh, man. Because Courtney needs that reassurance -- that reassurance that poor Samantha was looking for -- he goes and gets the rose for Courtney. He tells us that it wasn't his plan, earlier in the day, to give that rose to her (we get a shot of poor, poor, Kacie B., the Betty Cooper to Courtney's Veronica Lodge), but she needs the reassurance. When you combine that with the fact that Ben appears to be a dumb, dumb person, voila: a rose for Courtney.
Seeing the rose, Courtney's emotional level seems to go from zero all the way up to one. He stammers out how he can't promise things will get easier, but he wants her to be her. "Courtney, will you accept this rose?" "I will. She do," she says, rewarding him with a kiss. Kacie B. seems shattered. She tells the other women that she and Courtney seem to be opposites. But I'm done with Kacie B., remember? My decision has never felt so good as when Kacie B. tells us that you can wait years for a love like this. Yep! It's rare to find a guy who will leave you in the cold to reassure an insecure manipulator like Courtney or any one of the dozen other women he's dating, so when things don't seem to be working out, it can be hard.
And now Jennifer is getting ready for her date with Ben. Courtney, as usual, doesn't see Jennifer as much of a threat. I may be reading more into this than necessary, but since Courtney's a model, I find it telling that the only thing Courtney thinks Jennifer has going for her is that she's cute. No mention of Jennifer's personality. Then again, it's not exactly in Courtney's best interests to compare her personality to anyone else's.
Anyway, this date for some reason appears to involve rappelling into some kind of crater, so we get to see the difference between a bachelorette's interview -- in which she says her reaction was, "Aw, HELL naw" -- and how she reacts in front of Ben, which is to keep the smile pasted on at all times, for fear that you be accused of not being willing to take a chance or give it your best, or some such bullshit. Oh, and naturally Jennifer's strapped into a harness wearing a bikini, so this is some serious spelunking that's going to be going on here.
Back at the hotel, the other women are discussing how to solve a problem like Courtney. I would literally rather watch them all reading books than listen to them discuss the show. At least we could make fun of the shit these dingbats would be reading. Then Courtney comes out and the room goes silent and everyone sits around awkwardly.
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By Daniel
Back at the hole in the ground, Ben and Jennifer are hanging there, waiting for the final fall. Jennifer tells us about how she wants Ben to think she's up for anything. That's what the bedroom is for, Jennifer. Ben talks about trust, and in a moment, their rope is disconnected, and the plunge into the water at the bottom of the hole, and I guess this means Jennifer is worthy of Ben's attention.
Despite all this nonsense, I kinda like Jennifer. She seems nice and normal and -- well, anyone who isn't a nightmare like Courtney is going to come off well. They take a ski life up a hill for a dinner by a fire. Ben's asking about her relationship history. God DAMN. Don't these people ever talk about what movies they like or music they're into? Jennifer says she was in a relationship with a guy who wouldn't marry her, so she ended it. Great story! He wants to know if she can give up her 8-to-5 lifestyle for the utter chaos of winery life. (Spoiler alert: she can.) And then it rains on them, which is a good omen! Of course, good weather would also have been a good omen!
Back at the house, the women are discussing whether Ben and Jennifer have a connection. Everyone seems to like Jennifer, except for Courtney, who says she just seems normal. While the women actually talking to Courtney can barely hide their what's-her-deal facial expressions, the women doing their hair and other lady parts in the bathroom are a little more vocal about how fake she is. Some of them think Ben needs to be told what an awful person Courtney is (Emily calls her the "vegan raw doe-eyed model"), although Monica is wisely counseling them not to waste time with him talking about another woman. She figures true colors will always shine through. Maybe not always, but enough. Contestants on this show say this a lot but I think it's really true for Courtney: if Ben doesn't see through her bullshit, shouldn't that mean he's not worth your time?
Back on the date, Jennifer is marveling about how lucky she is be like the twelfth woman he's kissed in the past few days. He gives her the rose, and then they take the chairlift back down the mountain to an awful concert of awful music by awful Clay Walker, and the presence of an actual audience doesn't prevent Jennifer from claiming it's a concert for her and Ben. I guess because they're allowed to stand up while everyone else sits down? "I think it's really special that Ben put this together for me," says Jennifer. Oh, man. OK, Jennifer. Stick with Ben. Wait until the cameras have stopped rolling. Ask him, once you're not on the show, to call up Clay Walker and put together another concert. See how much the show, and not Ben, actually put together for you.
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By Daniel
And now Clay Walker is singing some horrible ballad that includes the line, "Can you believe this weather?" and maybe even sadder than the contestants on this show are the extras in the audience who seem to have been asked to stand around Ben and Jennifer and beam at them.
Cocktail party time. Jennifer and Courtney bond over the fact they already have roses. Rachel's got one too. "I'm not sure you could pick three girls who are more different," says Emily, adding that it makes her wonder what Ben's looking for. Hey, maybe this is all foolishness, Emily! Nah, that can't be it.
She -- despite Monica's advice -- seems to want to tell Ben how awful Courtney is. She says Courtney is like a statue: beautiful, but cold and hard on the inside. She's painting this as her just looking out for Ben, to prevent him from getting his heart broken again.
So she goes for it: during alone time with Ben, she vaguely says that there's one woman here who's very different with them than she is with him. Ben says he doesn't know that would be, and he doesn't expect her to throw anyone under the bus. He says he watches women on the dates on how they interact. "That's the thing: on this group date, we were all thinking that this person wouldn't particularly interact very well, and then she got the rose on the date," she says. Well, so much for not throwing her under the bus! Ben's face gets a little hard, and he tells us her that she'll go crazy reading too much into this. He's seen it happen to other people. "And it's going to probably end up in your own demise, to be completely honest with you," he says, advising her to let this other person consume her and to focus on she and him. Emily manages to keep smiling, even through the "your own demise" part. Emily tells us that she's worried that she expressed things in the wrong way and it could backfire on her. She says sometimes when you criticize a person's judgment; it can be taken as a personal insult. Funny, that!
So Emily goes and whines to Casey and -- who is this, Jamie? -- about how she may have sabotaged herself, and Casey is very surprised to find out that Emily thinks Courtney is fake, and Emily is surprised to find out Casey doesn't think so. "Why does she suck around us and she's awesome around Ben?" asks Emily, and Casey brightly says, "She's awesome around me!" Aw, Casey seems nice. Kinda simple, but nice. And you have to give her credit for sticking up for an unpopular friend. Casey says Courtney is sweet to people who are sweet to her. Given that we rarely see Casey on this show, I think it's probably safer to say that Courtney doesn't consider her a threat yet. Emily obliviously blathers on and on about what a wench Courtney is, to the point that Casey has to finally say they obviously don't see eye to eye so they should probably just stop talking about it.
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By Daniel
Then Casey goes to get another drink and -- of course -- spill the beans to Courtney about Emily talking shit about her, including to Ben. Courtney thinks it was stupid of Emily to waste her one-on-one time talking about how much she doesn't like Courtney. Well, she's not wrong. "I almost want to rip her head off and verbally assault her. Or shave her eyebrows off," says Courtney. I'm a little concerned that Courtney didn't include "rip her head off" in the "verbally" part of her threat.
Who ? Nicki! It's getting super, super serious, she says. She and Ben go out on the deck to watch the snow coming down. That's a good omen! They just go right to the kissing.
More Emily vs. Courtney stewing, with Emily doing her best not to fret about her impending ticket home, and Courtney and Casey continuing to talk about how stupid and jealous Emily is.
Courtney decides to go sit with the group that Emily is with, and she stares at Emily, while Emily can barely make eye contact. Kacie B. attempts to defuse the awkwardness by asking how many of the women have learned more about themselves in the past two weeks than they had in the two years. Emily puts up her hand. Courtney doesn't. "I feel like I'm in a sorority," says Courtney. Emily is surprised anyone said no. "I know myself really well," says Courtney. Poor Kacie B. is all, "I guess I asked a really bad question."
Emily finally has enough of Courtney's weird cryptic responses and fake psycho laughter, while Courtney says she knows Emily talked shit about her to Ben and to her "best friend." Kinda sadly, Emily goes for the "what are you talking about?" laugh and over-denial. She says it's like being in fifth grade, which is a dig at Courtney who doesn't appear to have been smart enough to finish fifth grade. The other women, in varying degrees of discomfort, watch the back and forth until someone tries to change the subject by pointing out there are roses up for grabs, and how does everyone feel about that? "I feel awesome, 'cuz I already got one," says Courtney. This is the kind of thing I presume Casey finds "awesome."
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By Daniel
Courtney actually stomps off saying, "Good look, Emily. Winning! I got a rose, you don't." I have lost count of the number of times she's quoted Charlie Sheen. She does it in almost every interview, Courtney pokes herself with her own rose and pretends to be surprised to see it and says, "Oh! I have a rose, and Emily doesn't!" Courtney CAN'T be for real, can she? She's like an annoying Kristen Wiig character, only she wasn't at least funny the first time.
While Emily commiserates with Monica, who we don't see tell Emily "told you so," just that she's going to be "Mama Bear" now. "Fuck her," she tells Emily. Courtney talks to the other women about how nasty Emily is. Then Harrison comes in to take Ben away to make his decisions, and Ben talks a bunch of nonsense about what a turning point this night is because of the emotions involved, whatever that means.
Anyway, the rose ceremony begins, with Harrison trying to make everyone feel like they didn't just waste a few days in Utah. Ben tells them that he knows that love is in his future, and then he starts handing out the flowers.
Lindzi. Jamie. She looks great tonight, and has been flying under the radar, given I have to keep checking her name on abc.com. Nicki's . Then Kacie B. Then Elyse (also under the radar). Blakely (who sighs in relief). Casey S. is , and there's just one last rose, with just Monica and Emily left. After punishing Emily with an appropriate pause, Ben gives her a rose, and Harrison comes out to tell Monica to say her goodbyes.
She seems OK with it as Ben walks her out ... and then she's crying in the limo. She says the most painful thing in the world is being into someone who's not into you. She wants marriage, kids, all that stuff, but she's skeptical that it even exists anymore. Little surprised that she's this broken up by it, although maybe it's not Ben she's sad to be leaving, but Blakely.
[Ed. note: In further Courtney bitchiness, when told that their destination was Puerto Rico, she snottily noted that she was just there two months ago. Leaving Ben to upt a positive spin on that. Then she actually tried to one up the other women by bragging off that she could hoist her champagne flute higher than all the other girls. And she wonders why the other women don't like her. -- Angel]
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He's sorry about the beaver joke. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
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