It's Monday night, so pull on your full-body prophylactic and settle onto the couch, because Bachelor Pad is on! Yay? As per usual, the editors don't want us viewers to miss even a moment of the intense drama (see if you can say that with a straight face) that makes up each episode, so they cut to the second we left off last Monday. Natalie is consoling Dave (her double secret air quote boyfriend), and she thinks that Dave had to make a ridiculous decision. I assume she means deciding to come on this show. But she clarifies: He actually had to choose someone to kick off, and THAT is ridiculous. As opposed to the entire series of unfortunate events that led him to think that a life spent on increasingly awful reality television shows is somehow a wise choice. I mean, CHOICES, Dave! And I'm not talking about the choice between one vapid, pipsqueak drama queen (Gia) and one loud-mouthed, bleachy-haired honky (Elizabeth) who happens to be your fake friend's sometimes girlfriend.
Anyway, Wes is unhappy that Dave sent his momentary flame home to hang out with her boyfriend when it was clear to everyone watching that Gia's Wall of Boyfriendness that she was hiding behind was crumbling bit by bit, and with just a few more hours of platonic cuddling Wes would totally get Gia to philander on national television. Dave (correctly) calls Wes a jackass, but the pot-kettle nature of the jab is too much for Wes. He storms off claiming that he has never met a group of people more full of shit in his entire life, which is pretty impressive labeling considering he was on an actual season of The Bachelorette.. Outside, Wes tells Peculiar Jesse and Vampire Queen Gwen that he wants to arrange a pugilistic contest with Dave, because, yeah, why the fuck not? Gwen points out that it would probably not help his chances at building long-lasting friendships or winning the $250,000 carrot they keep holding in front of these horses. Wes pouts instead.
Somebody ding-dong-ditches, and Natalie opens the door to find a flaming bag of dog poop left by Chris Harrison, who is totally baked right now, and a basket full of clipboards. The clipboards hold a survey that everyone is supposed to answer honestly and keep the answers confidential. No sharing, no collaborating, no copying (Tenley). Tenley looks very troubled by the idea of having to form an actual opinion without either crying or giggling. If she knew how to write answers to things, she would still be enrolled in Temecula Junior College, okay? [For the love of doughnuts, please don't write in listing Tenley's varied and multitudinous achievements, because I don't care. Whatever she has achieved has been unilaterally destroyed by her decision to appear on this show.] Everyone seriously and studiously fills out their surveys, writing in specific detail what they hate about everyone else in the house. Looks like the house is heading straight back to Junior High. Whee?
The morning, everyone is uneasy, not just because they are sleeping in a communal bunk room like a bunch of dudes at a slut ranch nor because of the miasma of flatulence that is undoubtedly hanging over those same bunks, but because they filled out some potentially hurtful surveys, which, if answered untruthfully, could, much like the U.S. Census, mean cuts in firehouses, hospitals and elementary schools. Or, you know, being outed as mean bitch. Wes, however, is not troubled by no stinking survey. No, he has immersed himself in the Hot Tub of Sorrows without even bothering with a swimsuit. He and his Calvins flop moodily around the sunken hot tub, mooning over his lost maybe-possible relationship with Gia. If she hadn't been voted off and didn't have a boyfriend, they might really possibly have had some potential. Maybe. Gosh, there is no better television than watching a grown man in his underwear pout. Emmy material, for sure.
Anyway. Melissa Rycroft earns her almost Vanna White-like status by gathering the idiots into a circle of truth. Ooh, look -- more clipboards! Tenley looks troubled. Melissa explains that they (not meaning her and Chris Harrison, God forbid, but like interns) have tabulated the results of the survey. The syphilitic chuckleheads have to answer questions correctly based on the survey results. First person to get four points wins. First question? Whose was named most likely to win? Everyone thinks for a second and picks: Kiptyn. Lots of people guessed that his WASPy name would give him an advantage. question: Who is your enemy? I am disappointed to say that not one named Satan as their enemy. I hope the producers give these fornicators some church time on Sunday. Most people choose Krisily as their enemy. Krisily chooses "FUN" as her enemy. I mean have you ever met more of a downer? Eeyore probably gets more e-vites than that girl. Krisily obviously pouts in response. Also her name is not a name, it's an administrative error. A typo at the hospital.
Third question: Who is the most shallow? Chris Harrison recommends being honest even if it costs you a friend. The boys all choose Krisily, who in a moment of self-awareness also chooses herself. The girls (save for Krisily) all pick Elizabeth and, sure enough, Elizabeth is the shallowest person in the house and possibly the hemisphere, depending on where the Kardashians are at the time. Melissa explains that Wes and Dave both have two points; Tenley and Natalie each have three, meaning if either girl gets the answer correct, they win. The question: Who is the dumbest? Everyone, including Natalie, has picked Natalie. Natalie cheers thinking she has won, but Harrison calmly points out that the answer is actually not Natalie, but Gwen. Gwen is vastly displeased by this, and seriously kids, RESPECT YOUR ELDERS. Especially the ones who are clearly vampires (non-sparkly edition). Tenley suddenly realizes that she actually wrote Gwen on her card. She wins! But she is sad because she had to hurt someone's feelings to win. And that is wrong. But she wins! Gwen is sad, and Kovacs has an Iron John moment and realizes that she is hurting and he has contributed to that hurt. He quickly dons a Smash the Dominant Patriarchy T-shirt, buys a copy of Backlash and gives Gwen a hug.
Now that Tenley has won, the girls are done, so they get to just sit and watch the men mock them. The question: Who is everyone's secret crush? Obviously, Dave and his portable gun show *kisses biceps* and it is true. He knows it, too, so he also wins the point. round of public humiliation? Who will always be a bridesmaid and never a bride? Everyone chooses Natalie, even the guy she is currently sleeping with, Dave. This makes her sad, because even though she is self-professedly dumb, even she realizes that she is just a steppingstone on Dave's path to matrimony... to someone else. The question will determine a winner for the guys. Who is the biggest jerk? Everyone writes down Wes, because he was the guy who was most recently a dick to the entire house, and these people all lost their long-term memory in marathon beer pong games or huffing face-paint fumes at the football games. Wes writes down Dave. Wes loses. Jesse Kovacs and Peculiar Jesse B. are tied for the lead and must go into a tiebreaker round. The question? Who has the worst boob job? Only on this show (okay and Rock of Love) would that be a normal question. Kovacs is in a tight spot because his girlfriend Elizabeth may have the worst boob job, but if he writes her name down she may no longer be his girlfriend. GOD, ELIZABETH RUINS EVERYTHING. Kovacs writes down Krisily, but, of course, the correct answer is Elizabeth, who runs tearing into the bathroom to stare at her boobs. Peculiar Jesse B. won, but Elizabeth, Gwen, and Natalie also win... new neuroses.
As the game ends, the girls scatter throughout the house to sob in private corners away from prying cameras who love to do close up of girls' tear-stained faces (and bad boob jobs, as the case may be). Natalie opts to hide in a shower, but dumb Gwen instantly tracks her down to comfort her. Gwen has her 200 years of experience to call on, and she knows this is just a silly competition. Natalie is pretty sure that, much like that tarot reader and the fortune-telling fish, this is absolutely a factual finding. Since her idiotic teammates voted her least likely to marry, then it must be TRUE. Elizabeth and her square tits with the unsettling gap between (what, as a faithful reporter, I HAD to look) hides in a closet with a towel over her head. God, LOOK WHAT REALITY TV DOES TO YOU, PEOPLE! This is not something to aspire to! Kovacs goes to comfort her, a move that surprises even him. As Elizabeth sobs over the fact that she grew up poor and had to collect bottles for their refunds to raise funds for new boobs and could only afford the guy who advertised in the back of the bus, Kovacs realizes he loves her. It's like he won the competition already! And Elizabeth is the booby prize!
Tenley gets her date card. These dates are one-on-one dates, and the winners can either give out a rose or not. To no one's surprise, Tenley chooses to take Kiptyn for her date. They hop in a limo to a waiting helicopter that is fired up to take them to Catalina, where they can spawn funny-named babies. While Kiptyn has been distant in the house, Tenley thinks he might like her now that they are out on their own. Yeah, first sign of a long-lasting and healthy relationship is if a guy only acts like he is into you when you are alone and no one can see you. They go zip-lining to prove their love exists, and then further that love by flying at trees in a helmet. Together. After the zip-line, Tenley and Kiptyn tangle their hands and drink wine, and Tenley ruins the whole mood by wanting to, you know, TALK. God, girls are so needy. Kiptyn leans in to kiss her, and while they are locking lips we see that has some burgeoning male pattern baldness. Hottt. Almost as hot as his purple polo shirt and pleated khaki shorts.
Back at the Herpes Hacienda, Jesse gets his date card and picks his mate. He chooses Peyton because they made out that one time and it was awesome. She says yes. Returning to Catalina, Tenley is holding on to Kiptyn's jug ears and riding... er, nevermind. They are eating and drinking and calling each other dorks to such a level that they have no choice but to start making out again. I think their mouths are full of food as they kiss, which has got to be unsanitary. But it is nice to share! Back at the Hacienda, Kovacs wants to tell Elizabeth how much he cares about her. He wants her to be happy, she gives him butterflies, he is... um... really into her. She nods that she is into him, too. Neither of says that they love each other, but instead artfully dance around the word and then give up and make out in the hot tub. Speaking of Things That Will Not Be Named, Elizabeth will not admit that she has the worst boob job in the house. Instead she calls it "The Competition" and just says it was hard. Chris Harrison slipped Tenley the fantasy suite card (not a euphemism) and after Tenley gives Kiptyn the Rose of Immunity, she asks him to spend the night with her. She confesses that she hasn't been with a man since Jake broke her heart. One, EWWWW. Two, so the Disney princess puts out? Three, with JAKE? Four, EWwwww. They wander into the fantasy suite and ooh and ahh, but how much of a fantasy suite could it be if they don't just immolate upon entrance? Oh...wait, that's MY fantasy for those two.
The morning, Kiptyn and Tenley thank each other for the loving and tender evening, but now they have to pretend that they didn't fall magically in love and spend all night rolling around like cuddly kittens and, um, praying.
Peculiar Jesse and all-American girl Peyton head out on their date. As these dates all do, they head off in a limo with champagne glasses raised. Turns out they are riding in a bi-plane. That's right, a plane with no top, but they do get spiffy little leather helmets, which will certainly protect them when the plane does a loop-de-loop and they fall out and DIE. Peculiar Jesse is screaming like a little boy in excitement (not fear, I think) and Peyton thinks it is so fun and adorable, but I am pretty sure that would get extremely annoying really quickly. When they land, Peyton and Jesse compare their country upbringings. Peyton then admits that her favorite foods are the rather un-L.A., yet highly admirable, corn dog and funnel cake. To Jesse that sounds like foreplay so he gives her the rose right that very second. Peyton then mixes him a martini and offers him a blowjob to prove she would make a great wife. Unfortunately this is Peculiar Jesse's first martini ever, and he gets increasingly sloppy drunk as he double fists Baby's First Martini and a glass of champagne. He burps in her face, tries to pick her nose, and then mixes his liquor. I told you he was Peculiar! The date quickly devolves into sibling style bickering and, at least for Peyton, the romance and her lady bits dry up faster than an Ozark oil well. Back at the Herpes Hacienda, Krisily has realized everyone hates her and she needs someone to love her. She chooses Dave. Back in the not-at-all romantic airplane hangar where the two are decidedly not canoodling, Peculiar Jesse pulls out the fantasy suite card and Peyton turns him down flat. Jesse doesn't get it, but Peyton is firm: OH HELLS NO. And you can't really blame her. So they head home and everyone gives them the hoary WTF? eye. But Peyton is a lady and doesn't tell.
It's Strategy Morning! Tenley and Kiptyn discreetly cuddle and talk strategy. Tenley thinks Gwen or Krisily will be . The single ladies talk strategy. Krisily, Peyton and Ashley think Kovacs is the best option for ouster. Wes points out that he is all strategy, all the time. He lives strategy, he breathes strategy, he thinks strategy. Bachelor Pad is his job. That Wes, decreasing the unemployment numbers one reality show at a time. President Obama should give him a medal or something. Elizabeth and Kovacs talk strategy, which is mostly: Don't let Kovacs get voted off. Elizabeth nods doubtfully.
Everyone puts on their finery, because you want to look good when you are being judged. Being judgmental, well that just requires track pants. Chris Harrison rises from his velvet-lined Barca-Lounger in time to chime a champagne glass to remind the clusterchump that they have to vote. Some of the girls vote for Wes and some of the girls vote for Kovacs. Drama! Except, you know, that would require people to care, and I'm not sure anyone does. The boys are not a united bloc, like the EU, but with more tattoos and fewer languages. Gwen appears to be the most likely candidate for the offing, but not for any reason other than that no one has no idea who she is or why she is there and they kind of think she just wandered in off the street to kill them all. She's basically the Ally Sheedy of the house. Wes and Peculiar Jesse are apparently voting for Elizabeth, so Kovacs and Dave try to force Kiptyn into voting for Gwen. They just don't know what she is thinking, and that's unfair! At her age the Botox has immobilized her head, and all facial expressions have been banished. Poor girl, she looks great for 50! Of course, she's only 30.
The contestants line up for execution... er, whoops, my fantasy again. But the revolution WILL be televised, and since these numb-nuts will do anything to be on TV, they are all going down. Anyway, they line up on risers like they are about to break into song, but are really just pleading for roses. Harrison and Melissa "Get a Job" Rycroft dole out roses until eventually it is only Gwen and Krisily and Kovacs and Wes left roseless. Harrison calls out Gwen's, name and Krisily shoots daggers at the men. Then Harrison tells Kovacs he is safe and Wes shrugs. Harrison asks Krisily, who has smoke coming out of her ears, if she has anything to say, and, um yeah, she does. She tells everyone that Kiptyn, Tenley, Kovacs and Elizabeth are going to be the last ones standing because of the vast couples' conspiracy. She rises four feet in the air and points at Dave, "J'ACCUSE!" She shrieks that no one has the balls to break the couple cliques, and they are all getting played. Including her. I mean, since she is pointing fingers, she didn't vote for Kovacs either. She got played by Dave. Krisily continues her rant for about 20 minutes until a giant hook comes out and yanks her off stage and shoves her face first into the limo. Harrison hesitatingly asks Wes if he has anything to say, and Wes just says it was all awesome. Harrison congratulates everyone else on surviving to play another day. In the limos, Wes continues his nonchalant attitude, while Krisily promises revenge upon the one who betrayed her. One flaming bag of dog poo and a vengeance demon to Dave's house, stat!
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see our guide to the contestants' most memorable moments!
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Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is changing her name to Tenley. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.